Objective Summary
This is a self-help book about understanding and embracing emotional intelligence. It summarizes decades of psychological research into the following main lessons.
• Developing your emotional intelligence will help you live a happier, healthier, and better life.
• Emotional intelligence involves knowing yourself reasonably well, controlling your emotions, empathizing with the feelings of others, and using social skills in an effective and pleasant way.
• The four mental and physiological processes that generate emotions are: stimulation, interpretation, arousal, and behavior.
• Optimism is better than pessimism because optimists adapt better to negative experiences, have lower rates of anxiety and depression, identify more possible solutions to problems, address problems earlier, are more persistence in the face of adversity, and respond more flexibly.
• To challenge pessimistic thoughts, ask: What evidence is there for this negative thought? Is your pessimistic thinking related to past events, and have things changed? Can you find an alternative explanation or other evidence for the situation? Even if there is no positive explanation, does it really matter? What are the implications of the situation? Is it really damaging? Which perspective would be most helpful to your mood?
• To strengthen self-esteem: Stop comparing yourself to other people. Don’t put yourself down. Get into the habit of thinking and saying positive things about you to yourself. Accept compliments. Use self-help books and websites to help you change your beliefs. Spend time with positive, supportive people. Acknowledge your positive qualities and things you are good at. Be assertive; don’t allow people to treat you with a lack of respect. Be helpful and considerate to others. Engage in work and hobbies that you enjoy.
• People experiencing positive emotions are likely to think well of others, expect to be accepted by others, are positive about their aspirations, are not afraid of others’ reactions, work harder for people who demand higher standards, feel more comfortable with talented people, and are comfortable defending themselves against negative comments by others.
• People experiencing negative emotions are more likely to disapprove of others and themselves, expect rejection, have lower expectations and are more negative, are sensitive and perform poorly under scrutiny, work harder for uncritical and less demanding people, feel threatened easily, and are more easily influenced and find defending themselves difficult.
• To be truly knowledgeable about ourselves, we need to avoid overgeneralizing, filtering out important things, discounting positives, absence of balance (“all or nothing” thinking), jumping to conclusions, magnifying or minimizing problems, being judgmental, stereotyping people or situations, and an inability to detach ourselves from personal views.
• Assertiveness can be saying what you think; making requests and asking for help; negotiating solutions acceptable to everyone; refusing requests; refusing to be patronized or put down; making complaints; clarifying expectations; expressing your optimism in the face of negativity; showing appreciation, affection, hurt feelings, justifiable annoyance; overcoming hesitation about putting things on the table; giving and receiving compliments; and working to help others.
• To increase assertiveness, remember:
o Your prime right is to be treated with respect. Equally, we have a responsibility to treat others with similar respect.
o Judge each situation on its merits in terms of fairness, balancing wants with needs, and while being self-oriented, your behavior should not appear selfish.
o Work out what you feel and want, then decide if it is appropriate and fair.
o An assertive person can disagree with you and yet still be your friend; distinguish facts from opinions and people from the issues involved.
o Practice being open about the way your feelings affect you. Acknowledge them if you receive a put-down and say in a clear and firm manner that the person’s comment or behavior is unacceptable to you.
o When you need to be assertive with others, ask for more information. Hidden in their remarks can be assumptions you can spotlight.
o If someone is angry, find out what is behind it. There may be a more constructive form of discussion to be had.
o Be polite when you disagree with someone. Tell them your preferences using clear and simple statements.
o Be prepared to repeat what you have said as many times as necessary until others show they have heard and understood the point you are making.
• Being authentic, owning your beliefs and demonstrating them in your interactions is one of the features of what is often called ‘charisma.’ Professor Richard Wiseman led a study in 2005 which suggests that charisma is 50% innate and 50% trained. His tips include keeping an open body posture and communicating your ideas clearly and with commitment.
• The following five things boost your health and wellbeing through emotional intelligence: connecting with others, exercising, staying alert to the immediate moment and details of life, continually learning, and giving.
Subjective Thoughts
I had to read this book for work, and I found it boring and trite. The observations and advice felt obvious, commonsensical, untrue, inapplicable, or circular. Self-help books in general are unappealing to me, but Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” somehow rung truer to me. This Walton cat used the word "whilst" too frequently for my tastes, though the bit on increasing assertiveness could be useful since I much prefer to get along with folks.
Memorable Quotes
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