I’m honestly not sure I have enough words or time to accurately explain what an utter dog shit this book is – quite frankly it’s an affront to trees everywhere that they died so that whatever this is could be published.
The story, for the lack of a better word, is positively schizophrenic. It’s trying to be so many things at once, but it fails to accurately explore any one of them to any degree.
This book follows Noah, a small-time true crime jorno who lost all his columnist work after he wrote an expose piece uncovering police corruption. Noah receives a creepy letter (IN HIS HOME MAILBOX) from an unknown source that ultimately results in him finding the body of a missing women – Tamara - who disappeared years earlier. Noah does what all failing journalists do in his situation and writes a book about Tamara, her murder and his involvement in finding her body. It is in the aftermath of these events that our book begins.
His book (which included a direct and violent chastisement of the killer) was released to middling reviews, and he’s both obsessed with and sort of being haunted by Tamara’s skeleton. He’s a useless man, useless husband and a useless father. Weird messages are appearing on his bathroom mirror, he’s getting more creepy notes (again to his personal mailbox, at his house, the one he lives in with his wife and minor children) and no one really cared about his mediocre book.
Except probably the killer, yanno the one who obviously knows where Noah and his family live and who Noah decided to call out… in his published book… because who really cares about the safety of your wife and kids anyway! After all, writing this book means he had an excuse to not get an actual job to help support his family who are drowning financially and emotionally!
The exploration of the ethicality of true crime media is a deeply compelling one and one that I really enjoy personally, however, Dalton doesn’t do anything close to this. There’s no discussion of the ethics of using police sources, of the dangers to crime journalists’ physical safety, of the ethics of writing a book against the wishes of the victims grieving family (but the sons a druggo and the dad probably did it so who cares about them right Noah?).
We don’t even see any real examination of the way the cops turned on him for exposing a corrupt cop. It’s clear Dalton had neither the ability nor care to bother doing anything interesting with this plotline. But don’t worry guys, it’s honestly for very good reason, he had a MUCH better plotline to explore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The real plot of this book is not the creepy letter, Noah’s failing career, his suddenly mute wife maybe being an alien (more on this later) or poor Tamara’s murder but Dalton’s -ahem- ahem- sorry I mean Noah’s ball sack. Noah’s testicles are the most prominent character in this story. So much so that the only thing helping me get through this mess of a book was keeping track of this pair of prominent protagonists.
For those wondering, Dalton uses eighteen different euphemisms for Noah’s balls which get a combined 50 mentions within the first 200 pages. Some of the most notable euphemisms used include Acorns, Taters, Goolies, Stuffed Olives, Soft Marinated Olives, Twisted Olives, Coin Purse, Dad Sack and Ball Bag and at various points in time they are described as embattled, exploding, bloated and toxic like a puffer fish.
Their most significant appearance being while Noah speaks at a true crime convention and when asked the first question of the interview he gets sudden exploding pain in the man glands (HA Trent, didn’t think of that one did you!) and stands up, falls to the ground, writhes around in a way that is described as ‘break dancing’ (watch out RayGun) before getting back up, saying “sorry my bad, cramp” and continues his interview. Yanno the one about the poor women whose brutal murder he’s trying to capitalize on. Though we get a fun call back a chapter later when at the end of the talk an audience member (a nurse) uses the Q&A to ask Noah if his balls hurt and tells him he might have an STD.
This plot point resolves around midway through the book when the cause of the ball ache (a testicular torsion) is surgically mended, then he gets kicked once in the balls after this and then the obsessive plot line is dropped immediately – never having contributed anything to the story except making readers everywhere confused as to why they deserved more page time then all the female main characters combined.
Now back to Noah’s mute alien wife. For basically the entire duration of this book Trent’s Mary Sue of a wife Rita is mute. This was an almost overnight change after she gets attacked by birds while on a school field trip with her daughter. This mass Alfred Hitchcock bird attack is never explained. She remains mute for the entirety of the book because I guess Dalton thinks that you can’t fail the Bechdel test if your female characters can’t speak, or something?
Also, Rita maybe, probably, definitely thinks Noah had an affair? While they were all at some conference Rita went back to their hotel room while Noah kept networking. He went back to a female colleague’s room where they chatted, he sat in a chair, her on the bed WITH HER SHOES OFF! The shoes off part is very important and is the reason why this situation is so bad – idk why but that’s just what Noah said. Anyway the vibes were vibing but alas the balls-sorry- I mean bells came ringing and Noah realized he was in a sus situation with this toes out shoeless broad so he fled back to his not yet mute wife.
Rita being mute IS sort of annoying to Noah tho, but he’s not really gonna do anything to help the situation because he’s too busy doing….umm…he’s just busy alright!! However, after Noah’s yarn gets surgically untwisted, the doctor shows some concern over Rita’s mental health – because it’s actually sort of weird for your wife to just stop talking to everyone Noah.
It's concluded that she’s voluntarily mute because Noah is an asshole – which honestly girl, fair enough. Years of financial stress, raising her kids alone while her husband plays cat and mouse with a murderer who knows where they live have traumatized her and she needs a break.
However, the doctor – that hack (this is exactly why we don’t usually let the female characters talk isn’t it, Trent!?!) was wrong. Rita is actually mute because the second main genre of this book is for some god forsaken reason, magical realism.
We are told, repeatedly and with no actual real explanation of how special Rita is. She’s NOT like other girls, she’s different, she’s special, she pulled some kids out of a burning fire and then BRING ONE OF THEM BACK TO LIFE WITH JUST HER FORCE OF WILL, once which was pretty cool. You see Rita was adopted as a child, a foundling and so one of the daughters comes to the conclusion that Rita is special. Rita. Is. An. Alien. Or perhaps a god? Either way her daughter is convinced she came from space.
I really wish I was fucking with you guys.
Rita’s selective mutism is wreaking havoc on her family. Her daughter start losing it (not because they think she’s an alien from space because that was actually sort of true?) but one of them develops crippling separation anxiety and has to stop going to school and has to sleep in bed with her mother. She becomes obsessed with her mother to an concerning degree that Noah of course does nothing about. There Is also never explanation or examination is why Rita was willing to destroy her kid’s mental health for the sake of this mutism – because as mentioned, it is always labelled as selective mutism not as a ptsd etc response.
The main climax of this book is Noah’s weird neighbour being the killer. So, turns out Noah’s sort of weird and annoying neighbour who has a miniature version of the whole town in his basement has actually been responsible for all the town’s disappearances. Oh that’s right, did I forget to mention Tamara was the most recent of a few missing people in this town. Something everyone appears to have gotten over pretty easily every time it happened lmao. He was killing them because…idk reasons, I guess? He’s weird, he's a weirdo, have you ever seen him without his stupid hat on? That’s weird!!! Sorry where was I?
The weirdo neighbour kidnaps Noah’s friend, a dude who was having an affair with Tamara because?? Idk reasons? Then he kidnaps Noah’s anxiety riddled daughter, Noah and Rita realise their kid is missing, get lured into the basement of creepy neighbour, Rita gets bonked on head, Noah and weird murder neighbour have their tête ta te. They get out of basement and that’s about it!
Oh wait sorry, I forgot – after they escape the basement the sky tries to suck Rita up (back to the mothership one must assume) and it takes Noah and half the street to try and pull her down and free from the skies hold. Yank yank yank on her leg until down she comes like Santa down the chimney. Rita – unsurprisingly – has nothing to say on this matter.
Like genuinely, what the fuck even is the plot of this book?
Perhaps this is just an outlier, many authors serve up a flaming ballsack of crap every now and again but boy is it odd to know that this man is one of Australia’s most beloved writers. Time to pack It up and reopen the schools so that we don’t allow Dalton’s kink fanfic about his bean bags to sell millions of copies.