The ZimZum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage

by Rob Bell, Kristen Bell

Sunday Times bestselling author Rob Bell is joined in this book by his wife of twenty years, Kristen, to present a new way to make marriage work.

Marriage is complex because people are complicated. You think you know each other so well that you’re almost one person. But then there are moments when it’s shockingly obvious that you’re two, with two opinions and two ways of doing things. And these moments can be relationship flashpoints – whether it’s over money, politics, childrearing or what you’re going to watch on TV tonight. So how do you stop yourself flaring up when you and your spouse disagree and start seeing marriage as a chance for you to learn more about the person you want to know best of all?

Early on in their marriage Rob and Kristen experienced the struggles, disagreements and fights that come to all couples. They still do. But they quickly learned that if they were to fulfil their desire of a great marriage, they had to be proactive, focused and intentional about their relationship – and learn how to fight in the most productive way possible!

In this inspiring and humorous insight into their approach to marriage, the popular husband and wife team explore communication, dealing with relatives, sex, petty fights, money, work and boundaries, as well as love, forgiveness, fidelity, faith and hope – because something happens when two people give themselves fully to each other, something profound and mystical, something with endless depth and dimension, something spiritual – and that’s the ZimZum of Love.

There’s the ideal of marriage, and then there’s the reality of marriage: this book is about bringing those two closer together.

With extensive discussion questions in the endnotes, this easy-to-read book is invaluable for anyone searching for a happy, fulfilling relationship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Marriage, Religion, Relationships, Christian, Self Help, Spirituality

165 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 22, 2014

About the author

Rob Bell is a bestselling author, international teacher, and highly sought after public speaker. His books include The New York Times bestsellers What Is the Bible?, What We Talk About When We Talk About God, Love Wins, as well as The Zimzum of Love, Velvet Elvis, Sex God, Jesus Wants to Save Christians, and Drops Like Stars.

At age 28, Bell founded Mars Hill Bible Church in Michigan, and under his leadership it was one of the fastest-growing churches in America. In 2011, he was profiled in Time Magazine as one of their 100 most influential people. Rob was featured on Oprah's 2014 Life You Want Tour and will be speaking at venues around the world in 2015 on the Everything is Spiritual Tour. He and his wife Kristen have three children and live in Los Angeles.

Reviews

[Stephen Altrogge · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is one of the most poorly written books I've read in a long time. From the beginning, Bell's methodology of what makes a good marriage is jacked up. It was poorly researched, poorly written, and full of common sense principles dressed up in mystical, spiritual sounding language.

[Ryan Miller · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think it's ridiculously laughable that people think this book is anti-biblical. On what basis? From what subjective fundamentalist interpretation are we talking about when we say anti-biblical? That's just silly. This was not Bell's best work, but it was still solid. As typical, his books usually take a few hours to read, but a good time to digest. They're written for everyone without lacking any heart & depth. People who argue that Bell has " lost it" - especially from an anti-biblical perspective - might need to re-read their Bibles.

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

Silly title (based on the Hebrew term for God’s self-contraction to make space for creation – so the space you make to be in relationship with another person) and kind of annoying occasional he-said/she-said format, but there’s still some useful information and strategies here, as well as plenty of passages that will reassure you you’re not the only one thinking it:

“And then there are other moments, when lofty talk about two becoming one and I found my other half seems delusional, when you wonder, Who is this crazy person and why in the world did I ever want to be married to them?”

“A marriage can easily devolve into a kind of business partnership—raising kids, running a household, keeping things going. It can quickly be swallowed up with taxes and carpools and trips to Home Depot … over time it gets old, a low-grade monotony set in, and the spark that brought you together in the beginning is lost.”

“You have to know what it looks like for them to thrive; you have to be aware of their goals and dreams; you have to know what they want and what they need and what makes them feel secure and what makes them happy and fulfilled.”

“You know you’ve got a scorecard when you find yourself nagging, feeling resentful, complaining, and being critical—all driven by the desire to arouse some sort of response from them.”

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Appropriate that I finished reading this book on Valentine's Day.

This book was hard for me to rate, because it didn't fit into the boxes I expect. It wasn't a Christian book about marriage. It wasn't a scientific or sociological study on marriage. It wasn't a self-help book on marriage. It wasn't purely anecdotal. It bridged a number of genres and format.

But I found myself mesmerized by it. There weren't a lot of new ideas in the book, but I appreciated the new presentation of the ideas, the way that sacred, exclusive, dynamic, and responsive marriages was framed in accessible, simple, and profound ways. I appreciated the honesty between Rob and Kristen, and yet the overarching theme that marriage is good, and it is worth it.

I think this is an interesting book because of it's accessibility, and I wonder if that's the whole point.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Twenty-two years ago, we got married and I refused to take part in the unity candle spectacle, much to the chagrin of my, then, future mother-in-law. I was not going to blow out my candle after joining my flame with his. I liked my flame. I liked his. And I didn't want either of them extinguished.

FINALLY, someone else with a bigger voice shares this same feeling.

I spent about an hour and a half reading this little book. I've been a Bell Ringer for a long time. He's the first spiritual writer, after Anne Lamotte, that I could identify with. I don't believe in hell either, dear Rob.

If you're not familiar with Bell, he talks about the stuff that most pastors gloss over in the name of offering plates. The uncomfortable stuff that unites us as humans. The stuff that goes undiscussed. The stuff that keeps true connection to our Teacher. The stuff that is real and relatable and is why people are leaving "church" in numbers.

I think God every day for the two leaders at my church who introduced me to Bell a few years back. One of his Nooma videos is my go to when things are really rough.

Now, in The Zimzum of Love, Bell and his wife have crafted a book that is mostly just refresher course for an old married woman like me. But, there are some gems contained within. First, the very word Zimzum. How did I live without that word? Thanks. And I loved the commentary about public expressions of love on Facebook and the like--that they put people where they shouldn't be: between the two of you. Hmm. That's good teaching for all of us.

I had to set aside my preconceived notions of Bell being blessed by Mother Oprah. You know we all do that when someone we've followed for awhile wins the Oprah lottery. I am so pleased, though, that this great teacher is getting a wider audience. I do not believe his authenticity will change.

Well, I've gushed, and so now for the cons. It's a little hard to relate to someone riding mopeds in the South of France and hanging out in a shark cage in South Africa. It's even harder to relate with the Oprah blessing. I know, I know, let it go. But, you have to look past this and focus on the same sort of magical connecting moments in your own marriage--or in the marriage that you want to have. Take off those jaded green glasses and just go with it.

I loved it. I think he and Kristin could have delved into it a bit more, but I liked it. His book on suffering and art made me want for more too. Maybe it was the rush to publish, but I think it was mostly because the message can get absorbed by more if the text is short.

Highly recommend.

[Alanna Schwartz · Rating 4 out of 5]

I find marriage books have been so cheesy and condescending but this book was inspiring and comforting to read leading up to my wedding. The concept of Zimzum resonated with me so deeply, and I think protecting and considering the space between us will be something we carry with us into our marriage.

[Landon Chapman · Rating 1 out of 5]

Sadly Rob Bell has gone off the rails. This is anti-biblical nonsense.

[Raoul G · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very enjoyable, easy-to-read and quite short book about marriage written by Rob and Kristen Bell. As far as I remember this is the first book on this topic that I ever read. Still, I imagine that this book has quite a different approach than most marriage books. Here's how Bell describes it:

"This book, however, is about the deeper mysteries of marriage. How is it that the same relationship can be capable of producing so much joy and so much pain? How is it that the slightest thoughts and actions can so significantly change the space between two people? How is it that the space between two people can be so unique that it exists nowhere else in the universe? How is it that flawed, fragile, flesh-and-blood human beings can relate to each other in such a way that they show each other the divine?"

If these are questions that you are asking yourself or at least find interesting, I recommend you listen to Rob and Kristen's take on them. You just might get something out of it, especially if you are in a relationship.

"Something powerful and profound happens in marriage something involving energy, love, and the deepest forces of the universe. We believe that you can grow in your awareness of these realities, learning how to better see what's going on in the space between you, how it works, and how the love can flow all the more freely between you."

Much of the particular advice is quite common-sense:
- shared experiences strengthens your bond,
- allow differences between you to expand your perspectives,
- sacrificial love transforms your relationship like nothing else,
- some experiences belong just two the two of you and shouldn't be shared with anyone else,
- you need to keep forgiving each other,
and so on.
In my opinion these are important things and the fact that you probably know most of it already doesn't take away from it. But I see the real strength of the book in the language for talking about love that it offers. It describes the relationship between two people in marriage as a space that is responsive, dynamic, exclusive and sacred, and there is a chapter explaining each of these aspects. As always, language defines our perception, and in this case, I believe, your perception can only benefit from the language presented here.

This section from the end of the book shows the grand and beautiful vision of marriage the authors have:
"There's a lot that's broken in the world, a lot that isn't one. From war and racism and injustice to abuse and addiction and people taking each other to court and families breaking apart. We live in a broken, fractured, fragmented world.
But when you are faithful to each other, zimzuming as you act for the well-being of the other, the space between you becomes a place in the universe that isn't broken and divided but one and whole. This is why the world needs marriage - more marriages, better marriages. The world needs more places that are one and whole. Great marriages shine, they stand out, they inspire, they bring hope, they speak to our deepest desires for a world that is one."

[Jon Stephens · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Zimzum of Love is Rob Bell’s newest book, and is co-authored with his wife Kristen.

When I found out that Bell was writing a book on marriage, I was extremely interested in how he would unpack the subject. Like it was with so many of Bell’s other books, like: Velvet Elvis, Sex God, Jesus Wants to Save Christians and What We Talk About When We Talk About God, I was really looking forward to his Biblical and historical exposition of the subject matter, but instead this book merely makes a few light nods towards the Bible.

I will say that the main idea for the book, the Hebrew word “tzimtzum”, is an interesting and helpful illustration on the relationship between two people. It refers to the space between two people, and that everything you put into that space will greatly impact your relationship (ie. words, attitudes, actions, inaction), but ultimately I just felt it wasn’t enough to carry the book. I think the main idea of the book could have been a great blog post or even a magazine article. Overall I found the book to be more of a basic self help marriage book. Learning about Rob and Kristen’s story was cool and even pretty funny at times, but I found the format of the back and forth between them to be a little clunky.

The best way I can explain my feelings about this book is, it’s like when you have a band you really like listening to, and you’ve got all their albums, but when you talk through the catalogue of albums there’s always that one record that you just can’t seem to get in to. This is that album for me.

If you’re looking for an outstanding book on marriage, I would highly recommend Tim & Kathy Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage or another challenging read on Christian marriage is Francis & Lisa Chan’s You and Me Forever. (Reviews for these books can be found on my blog posted below).

www.jonathanstephens.wordpress.com

[Keely · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are 4 principles presented and all are sound and relevant to marriage and relationships. One, for example, is exclusivity - the idea that your marriage and most of the issues in it are a matter for the two of you alone; if you complain to other people about the marriage you are violating that exclusivity and it's damaging to the marriage.

However well the points are taken, they are made in a repetitive, smug, "aren't we pleased with ourselves" attitude that is second in obnoxiousness only to the awful, grating, annoying, and juvenile narration done by husband and wife together in the audio version. Whoever in the publishing industry thought it would be a good idea for these two to narrate a book together obviously never heard their voices. Both of them, especially the Mrs. (who sounds like a 19-year-old Stepford wife), suffer from the disorder called vocal fry, a syndrome mostly of college-age girls and Kim Kardashian, where your voice starts to croak at the end of a sentence. She has it really bad, and the husband, who also happens to become pious and overly dramatic at various points, unconsciously emulates her more and more as the book goes on, so that by the end both of them are almost impossible to listen to.

The written book isn't much better because it's done in a "he said, she said" style that accentuates how proud they are of themselves and how smart and precious and functional they think they are for having such a wonderful marriage and being such perfect examples of what they're talking about. The endless stories they tell about their own lives should have been edited way down, and I can't remember a single example they gave from any other couple besides themselves, which I think really weakens the whole endeavor. And the title? I won't say another word.

[Joy Matteson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably the shortest book on marriage I've read, but possibly the simplest and most profound. If you can say what you need to say to get your message across to others, do it in 150 pages instead of 500.
Rob and Kristen Bell use the Hebrew word "zimzum" to describe the creation of the world, the action that God created in creating space for humans to live in. This space is also between those partnered in marriage, as a dynamic, always changing space. My biggest takeaway is the importance to always ask my husband, "how is the space between us right now?" Because the "zimzum" between us always changes depending on the circumstances, emotions, and frustrations--if this checking in is not done enough, blocks can build up preventing movement, and creating resentment in the other.

Makes sense to me. Also, congrats go out to the authors--it's rare for Publishers Week to give out starred reviews to religious titles, but this got one. That means you should read it. :)

[Adam Shields · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short Review: The Zimzum of Love: A New Way of Understanding Marriage by Rob and Kristen Bell - it seems most of the negative reviews are about not liking Rob Bell instead of not liking the book. The book is a helpful, short, encouraging book on marriage that is exclusive, holy, and dynamic. I think it is too expensive right now, but that the content is good and it is the right length for small group discussions.

(Note: The kindle version at least keeps going on sale for around $4. At that price it is worth picking up.)

My full review is on my blog at http://bookwi.se/zimzum-love-new-way-...

[Austin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Awful. I skimmed through and found little to none biblical foundations, poor and little amount of advice. Lots of talking about the issues youll have and where you should be in marriage but no help to get there. And I still fail to see why Bell thinks we need "a new way to understand marriage." Just like in velvet elvis, the christian faith doesnt need a repaint, neither does marriage.

[Elissa Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book with my husband 1-2 months after getting married. It has shed light on the fact that everything we think, feel, say and do affects our marriage / the space between us. I found chapters 2 & 3 the most helpful for creating a healthy relationship with my husband built on honesty (because even what we don't say will be picked up on as a vibe), negotiation and love.

[Kim Tee Em · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like all rob bell books, you either love or hate them. I find his writing style resonates with me and as such I found this book a great reminder of how to make marriage work. I loved it. The simple yet tangible reminders, albeit not entirely new concepts for me, of the importance of protecting my marriage.

[Nora · Rating 4 out of 5]

So nice to find an egalitarian book on marriage.

[Laila · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty innocuous and light but full of good reminders about the space and energy between you and your romantic partner.

[Kimball · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Zimzum is creating a space for another to thrive.

In marriage it's important to have a vision together.

If you bring something to the space of your marriage that you haven't dealt with it will continue to negatively affect you and your relationship until it's resolved.


The score card is at the heart of a number of extraordinary fights. I loved the thoughts on the scorecard.

In marriage there's the combination of three loves: spark, substance, and sacrifice.

What are the Asians thoughts and philosophy on marriage? I never hear about it.

You know there's an issue behind the issue when your reaction is way out of proportion to the thing you're fighting about.

Sarcasm is rooted in unresolved issues. I hate sarcasm so much and it does no good at all.

Marriage is good for the world because love overflows past a couple to others.

Spirituality isn't about escape from this body from the world, it's about being fully present.

Creation always involves risk.

They ripped off the train poem from Inception!

[Kathryn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Meh, at best. This book is dangerously idealistic. If your marriage is well balanced and neither of you bring trauma into the picture, and you aren't prone to idolize marriage itself, then maybe you'll find some tidy pats on the back and self assurance from these pages. But if you come from trauma, any sort of extremism, have a history with a church that idolized the marriage institution, with a church that taught complementarianism or swept abuse under the rug, have a partner that doesn't pull their weight or is abusive or destructive in any patterned sort of way, or if you ever feel trapped or powerless in your life then this is probably not a great book to take too seriously. Look instead at The Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick or The Gift by Edith Eger for a much, much better way to live with a difficult marriage, escape a dangerous one, and to finally take responsibility for your life and happiness. Be empowered, not enamored.

[Gideon Yutzy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Here is an interesting little story. Once a man named Rob wrote a book about how love will bring together the whole universe. Some conservative Christians were offended at this concept and called him a heretic. So Rob tried again. This time he wrote a book about how love will bring together a husband and wife. Though it takes persistence and sacrifice to live out that claim, this time even the most joyless Christians had a hard time refuting it.

Really, the book is a great reflection on the sacrament of marriage, co-written by a couple who has been married for over two decades. A lot of it resonates for me and my wife, who have been married for around one decade. Big idea from the book: think of your marriage as a charged space (zim zum) between you and your spouse. Keep igniting the positive charge--by communicating, sharing experiences, displaying affection and gratitude, etc.--and the space will respond disproportionately well.

[David S Harvey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Simple, fun, and heart warming

“[Be] intentional about your own health because your marriage will only be as healthy as the least healthy one of you”

This isn’t a book to save your marriage. But if you’re in a good place and want to just make it better and deeper there’s some neat thoughts and ideas here that you’ll enjoy.

It’s not the deepest book on marriage you’ll ever read, but if you love your partner why not take the 90 mins it takes to read this book and enjoy thinking about how to love them more deeply.

[Jason · Rating 3 out of 5]

If 2.5 was an option I'd pick that. There are some good thoughts and great questions (don't miss the ones in the back of the book) here to start discussion with your partner or a group, but overall the writing style was a bit too painful to fully enjoy. I was particularly annoyed when they told me there was a great psalm about something and didn't even say which psalm it was.. that's just lazy.

[Corrin · Rating 4 out of 5]

this certainly is a new way of understanding marriage. one that values the individual and marvels at what is created when love overflows out of the commitment to one another. read this to see why marriage is good for the world

[Meghan Tomlinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quick 2h audiobook. I liked the stories they told, nothing earth shattering though

[Kimberly Waggoner]

Favorite quote: "When you are both intentional about moving toward the other in love, over time you build up tremendous reserves of love and grace and goodwill. Love - with spark and substance and sacrifice all together - is a cumulative phenomenon. It builds on itself, it gains a head of steam, it grows in depth and breadth and intensity. This propels you into an entirely different way of relating to each other - another kind of life altogether."

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was disappointed in this book. Despite his controversial reputation, I find Rob Bell's writing usually provides some insightful and thought-provoking new perspectives. Zimzum, however, was repetitive and far too metaphysical for my taste. I thought it the concept could have easily been expressed in a single chapter, or even just a short blog post.

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

A worthwhile listen via audiobook. It's only about 2 hours long, so if you think of it like an extended podcast on marriage, it's worth a read/listen. Definitely not the most original or compelling marriage book out there but I think the Bells offer some helpful insights that may resonate with some couples.

[Syd Wachs · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t know much about the Bells, nor do I care whether or not the book is rooted in biblical theology. It made sense. And I felt less alone reading about their experiences, the good parts and the bad. The illustrations make it cute and easier for a visual person like me to understand. I liked the down-to-earth language. A great before-bed read. Made me feel valid and happy. ☺️

[Jason Lyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great marriage book for anyone who is looking for general maintenance. It's not necessarily for anyone in "turmoil" but it's a refreshing way to look at the mystery we call marriage. A great read for couple prior to marriage.

[Erin Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really interesting and fresh way to look at marriage. All about the space you create between you and how it affects you and the world. I highly recommend it. Would be great for people in a serious relationship or newlyweds especially.