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Bonded by Evolution: The New Science of Love and Connection
A groundbreaking look at the science of attachment and compatibility, challenging our most fundamental assumptions about love and attraction and revealing the real keys to lasting connection and deeper relationships.
Modern media and culture have taught you a vast array of inaccurate ideas about dating and relationships. Scroll through Instagram and Tiktok, and you’ll inevitably see the influence of a buzzy new branch of science—evolutionary psychology— at play in videos, touting gender stereotypes and spreading a deeply flawed story about romance and connection. Evolutionary psychology claims that our minds have been shaped by primal drives that pit the genders against each other, from the myth that men are wired to be promiscuous to the notion that wealth, status, and beauty are the ultimate aphrodisiacs.
In Bonded by Evolution UC Davis psychology professor Paul Eastwick reveals that these stories bear little resemblance to how pair-bonding really works. While beauty and charisma factor into first impressions, their influence fades fast—after a few months, we barely agree on who's “desirable.” Drawing on pathbreaking research—including original experiments from his own lab—Eastwick explains that lasting attraction has, from ancestral times through the present, been built through gradual, often mundane moments that forge strong attachment bonds. Ultimately, he offers a liberating new paradigm for finding meaningful, exciting relationships, showing
Why the traits we often look for in a partner—personality, lifestyle, values, and humor—are poor predictors of compatibility, and what behaviors and experiences we should focus on insteadWhy someone's tendency to “date around” or their reputation as a player has little bearing on their long-term relationship potentialWhy the most secure relationships offer a "safe haven" and "secure base" for each partner, and how to cultivate them in new and existing relationships
By excavating the hidden history of human mating, Eastwick paints a radical new picture of the roots of enduring chemistry. Distilling evolutionary biology, anthropology, and psychology into accessible insights, Bonded by Evolution explains why we so often choose dating strategies that make us miserable and how to use a more evolved approach.
*Includes a downloadable PDF of visual resources from the book
Modern media and culture have taught you a vast array of inaccurate ideas about dating and relationships. Scroll through Instagram and Tiktok, and you’ll inevitably see the influence of a buzzy new branch of science—evolutionary psychology— at play in videos, touting gender stereotypes and spreading a deeply flawed story about romance and connection. Evolutionary psychology claims that our minds have been shaped by primal drives that pit the genders against each other, from the myth that men are wired to be promiscuous to the notion that wealth, status, and beauty are the ultimate aphrodisiacs.
In Bonded by Evolution UC Davis psychology professor Paul Eastwick reveals that these stories bear little resemblance to how pair-bonding really works. While beauty and charisma factor into first impressions, their influence fades fast—after a few months, we barely agree on who's “desirable.” Drawing on pathbreaking research—including original experiments from his own lab—Eastwick explains that lasting attraction has, from ancestral times through the present, been built through gradual, often mundane moments that forge strong attachment bonds. Ultimately, he offers a liberating new paradigm for finding meaningful, exciting relationships, showing
Why the traits we often look for in a partner—personality, lifestyle, values, and humor—are poor predictors of compatibility, and what behaviors and experiences we should focus on insteadWhy someone's tendency to “date around” or their reputation as a player has little bearing on their long-term relationship potentialWhy the most secure relationships offer a "safe haven" and "secure base" for each partner, and how to cultivate them in new and existing relationships
By excavating the hidden history of human mating, Eastwick paints a radical new picture of the roots of enduring chemistry. Distilling evolutionary biology, anthropology, and psychology into accessible insights, Bonded by Evolution explains why we so often choose dating strategies that make us miserable and how to use a more evolved approach.
*Includes a downloadable PDF of visual resources from the book
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First published February 10, 2026
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 43 reviews
January 29, 2026
Pushing back against the 90s-00s buzzy and hijacked "EvoScript" (evolutionary psychology), Professor Paul Eastwick of UC Davis cuts through the pop psychology take on relationships to share the most up to date science of relationships.
Essentially, this book takes the reader through science backed explanations of how meaningful relationships are formed through community networks, authenticity and time v. just some numbers and ratings game dating apps would have singles spend money on. Without spoiling the main points, Eastwick shares that perceived "mate value" is fleeting but relationships are built on compatibility and being a communal person and good partner. He provides evidence to push against the myth of traditional gender views and even provides guidance on how to effectively date in the modern age without losing hope.
Remarkably, Eastwick achieves all of this while also fighting toxic masculinity without his voicing becoming preachy.
That said, this is not a self-help book in the traditional sense. It's a reality check for singles, presenting the facts and advice in an effectively accessible way without being patronizing.
I honestly hope this book becomes a best seller because it deserves to be. Not just because it's interesting, but because I think it truly has the power to make people more loving of themselves, their partners (current or future) and their communities.
Essentially, this book takes the reader through science backed explanations of how meaningful relationships are formed through community networks, authenticity and time v. just some numbers and ratings game dating apps would have singles spend money on. Without spoiling the main points, Eastwick shares that perceived "mate value" is fleeting but relationships are built on compatibility and being a communal person and good partner. He provides evidence to push against the myth of traditional gender views and even provides guidance on how to effectively date in the modern age without losing hope.
Remarkably, Eastwick achieves all of this while also fighting toxic masculinity without his voicing becoming preachy.
That said, this is not a self-help book in the traditional sense. It's a reality check for singles, presenting the facts and advice in an effectively accessible way without being patronizing.
I honestly hope this book becomes a best seller because it deserves to be. Not just because it's interesting, but because I think it truly has the power to make people more loving of themselves, their partners (current or future) and their communities.
February 16, 2026
4 / 5 ⭐
I decided to purchase this book mainly because I really enjoy listening to the 'Love Factually' podcast every week that the author of this book hosts. I'm also interested in the topic of how personal relationships work from an evolutionary perspective. If these topics sound interesting to you, I wager that you'll enjoy Bonded by Evolution, too.
Keep in mind that there are many scientific references throughout the book, and it can get pretty nerdy at times. But overall I'm glad to have purchased it, even if towards the end I lost some interest on the topics covered in this book, mostly due to the fact that there's so much information.
Happy reading 📚
I decided to purchase this book mainly because I really enjoy listening to the 'Love Factually' podcast every week that the author of this book hosts. I'm also interested in the topic of how personal relationships work from an evolutionary perspective. If these topics sound interesting to you, I wager that you'll enjoy Bonded by Evolution, too.
Keep in mind that there are many scientific references throughout the book, and it can get pretty nerdy at times. But overall I'm glad to have purchased it, even if towards the end I lost some interest on the topics covered in this book, mostly due to the fact that there's so much information.
Happy reading 📚
September 10, 2026
And now, for a total change of pace...a recommendation from a podcast, technically (the excellent Love Factually, where two social psychologists (Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel) use the science of close relationships to explain romantic comedies). But it's really a roundabout recommendation from the esteemed Dr. Lydia Emery, a friend of mine who's also a professor of close relationship science at the University of Chicago and a veritable font of information for every type of dating and/or relationship question that anyone might have (and of which I have a lot).
The book is ostensibly billed as a look at the science of evolutionary psychology as it applies to relationships, but is in fact a point by point rebuttal of toxic masculinity's impacts on gender norms in the dating sphere. I almost wonder if there was a different world in which this book was more openly positioned as a "everything you thought you knew about dating you actually learnt from Andrew Tate without realizing it" that would have led to it going more viral! But then again, I probably wouldn't have been as likely to pick it up, as I am an Enlightened Modern Woman who does not ascribe to such nonsense, and then I'd have missed out on realizing how much of that weirdness has permeated from that manosphere into our daily lives.
A caveat that this is more dense than your typical popsci offering. I've been reading and learning about these topics via Lydia for over a decade at this point (wild), and I still found myself having to go back to certain paragraphs after realizing that I'd just read the words without comprehending their meaning. But that's a minority of the book, and for some of the smaller, less impactful takeaways. Anything that's fundamental to the argument that Eastwick is making is illustrated with a metaphor/figure/'case study,' such that they stick out and help the narrative hold together well.
To illustrate one such example, which was so revelatory that I actually put the book down for a second despite it being really quite obvious--why is it that two social people who are equally keen can find or not find sparks (e.g., on a first date)?
By this point of the book, Eastwick has pretty thoroughly gone through the fallacies of objective attraction (e.g., attraction is a combination of factors, of which compatibility is the most important and grows in importance over time) and compatibility prediction (i.e., it's almost impossible to predict compatibility ahead of time) which together imply that 'mate value' is nonsense. So knowing this, we have a case study of two characters: Julian and Lloyd.
Julian arrives at the bar, for a mutual friend set up. His opening salvo is a statement about a song playing by Adele: "I can't believe they're playing this song. My dog literally howls every time it comes on. Which is too bad, because I rather like it."
Lloyd has three different responses--and crucially, all of them are equally logical.
1. What does your dog have against Adele??
2. When I was a kid, my dog would hide when my dad put on basketball shoes, maybe his issue was the sound of shoes?
3. I once worked at a terrible restaurant over the summer, and any song that used to play during that time stresses me out.
And then we go through, a la Sliding Doors, how each of these conversational salvos pan out. Turns out #1 and #2 start fruitful but ultimately dead end, and #3 leads to a deeper conversation (and presumably a second date).
A lot of words (by me) to point out this takeaway: that it's hard for the "most socially skilled people to find an animating topic that generates mutual interest and connection" and it takes luck to find it. That's a fascinating point and honestly one that I've never considered. I'm a socially skilled person who always finds something to chat about, but rarely finds sparks. I'm also a scientifically minded sort, so reading about this phenomenon in a science book makes me feel less out of place and confused.
Which is all to say, I hope this book reaches the people it needs to reach, because it's genuinely a lovely effort to peel back a lot of the worst beliefs that we all have internalized. And at a minimum, listen to the podcast!
The book is ostensibly billed as a look at the science of evolutionary psychology as it applies to relationships, but is in fact a point by point rebuttal of toxic masculinity's impacts on gender norms in the dating sphere. I almost wonder if there was a different world in which this book was more openly positioned as a "everything you thought you knew about dating you actually learnt from Andrew Tate without realizing it" that would have led to it going more viral! But then again, I probably wouldn't have been as likely to pick it up, as I am an Enlightened Modern Woman who does not ascribe to such nonsense, and then I'd have missed out on realizing how much of that weirdness has permeated from that manosphere into our daily lives.
A caveat that this is more dense than your typical popsci offering. I've been reading and learning about these topics via Lydia for over a decade at this point (wild), and I still found myself having to go back to certain paragraphs after realizing that I'd just read the words without comprehending their meaning. But that's a minority of the book, and for some of the smaller, less impactful takeaways. Anything that's fundamental to the argument that Eastwick is making is illustrated with a metaphor/figure/'case study,' such that they stick out and help the narrative hold together well.
To illustrate one such example, which was so revelatory that I actually put the book down for a second despite it being really quite obvious--why is it that two social people who are equally keen can find or not find sparks (e.g., on a first date)?
By this point of the book, Eastwick has pretty thoroughly gone through the fallacies of objective attraction (e.g., attraction is a combination of factors, of which compatibility is the most important and grows in importance over time) and compatibility prediction (i.e., it's almost impossible to predict compatibility ahead of time) which together imply that 'mate value' is nonsense. So knowing this, we have a case study of two characters: Julian and Lloyd.
Julian arrives at the bar, for a mutual friend set up. His opening salvo is a statement about a song playing by Adele: "I can't believe they're playing this song. My dog literally howls every time it comes on. Which is too bad, because I rather like it."
Lloyd has three different responses--and crucially, all of them are equally logical.
1. What does your dog have against Adele??
2. When I was a kid, my dog would hide when my dad put on basketball shoes, maybe his issue was the sound of shoes?
3. I once worked at a terrible restaurant over the summer, and any song that used to play during that time stresses me out.
And then we go through, a la Sliding Doors, how each of these conversational salvos pan out. Turns out #1 and #2 start fruitful but ultimately dead end, and #3 leads to a deeper conversation (and presumably a second date).
A lot of words (by me) to point out this takeaway: that it's hard for the "most socially skilled people to find an animating topic that generates mutual interest and connection" and it takes luck to find it. That's a fascinating point and honestly one that I've never considered. I'm a socially skilled person who always finds something to chat about, but rarely finds sparks. I'm also a scientifically minded sort, so reading about this phenomenon in a science book makes me feel less out of place and confused.
Which is all to say, I hope this book reaches the people it needs to reach, because it's genuinely a lovely effort to peel back a lot of the worst beliefs that we all have internalized. And at a minimum, listen to the podcast!
July 9, 2026
Un libro estupendo y necesario por muchas razones. Por un lado, por supuesto, está el interés científico de entender bien la evidencia acerca de cómo seleccionamos a nuestras parejas y cómo muchos de los lugares comunes sobre la atracción son infundados. Básicamente, en la atracción hay tres componentes: el consenso (lo normativamente atractivo que es cada uno), la selectividad de cada uno (lo difícil o fácil que es que te guste alguien, lo "alto" que tienes el listón, y la compatibilidad que tienes con la otra persona, que es algo que sólo se puede evaluar con el tiempo y el contacto. Por eso, 2 de cada 3 relaciones sentimentales suelen ser con personas con las que había una relación previa de amistad, trabajo o lo que sea.
Pero por otro lado, y no menos importante, está la vertiente política. Porque al ilustrar los mecanismos de la atracción, el autor desmonta cuidadosamente las tesis de la psicología evolucionista o evo psych, defendida por legendarios vendehumos como Steven Pinker, Jordan Peterson y, básicamente, la mayoría de fachosfera, y dedica un capítulo expresamente a desmontar la llamada manosphere, esa parte de internet basada en la misoginia y el odio a las mujeres, y a mostrar por qué no sólo están equivocados, sino que sus creencias son una profecía autocumplida que sólo te hace infeliz.
En conjunto, un muy buen libro de divulgación, completamente recomendable.
Pero por otro lado, y no menos importante, está la vertiente política. Porque al ilustrar los mecanismos de la atracción, el autor desmonta cuidadosamente las tesis de la psicología evolucionista o evo psych, defendida por legendarios vendehumos como Steven Pinker, Jordan Peterson y, básicamente, la mayoría de fachosfera, y dedica un capítulo expresamente a desmontar la llamada manosphere, esa parte de internet basada en la misoginia y el odio a las mujeres, y a mostrar por qué no sólo están equivocados, sino que sus creencias son una profecía autocumplida que sólo te hace infeliz.
En conjunto, un muy buen libro de divulgación, completamente recomendable.
February 23, 2026
The best book I’ve read on the science of relationships. It debunks modern myths in a way that’s enjoyable and accessible, and genuinely changed how I think about human connection. Highly recommended.
February 11, 2026
This was an enjoyable, fun-to-read book that provides an interesting look at couples, relationships, and bonding. It's written at a level that makes it accessible to most readers without being too simplistic. I like reading popular science books and this one stands out as one that's more thoughtfully written, as it's both detailed and easy to follow.
When I first started the book, I was a bit worried that it would focus too much on heterosexual relationships, but there was representation of others throughout. The book includes lots of interesting research and anecdotes, and several times I found myself thinking, "of course, that makes sense!" I especially liked the part about the two women who became more than friends after going through some hard times together.
The author did a great job explaining how the typical generalisations about attraction are not true, showing instead how attachment actually develops over time. This is something we see in everyday life: attraction grows out of ordinary shared experiences rather than a fixed list of 'ideal' traits that we look for in a partner. I also liked that the author used examples from popular films that most readers can likely connect with.
I wasn't interested in the parts comparing humans to other apes. While this might be interesting to some people from a biological perspective, they felt a bit less central to the book's main focus.
This book will hopefully encourage people to reconsider common assumptions about this topic.
When I first started the book, I was a bit worried that it would focus too much on heterosexual relationships, but there was representation of others throughout. The book includes lots of interesting research and anecdotes, and several times I found myself thinking, "of course, that makes sense!" I especially liked the part about the two women who became more than friends after going through some hard times together.
The author did a great job explaining how the typical generalisations about attraction are not true, showing instead how attachment actually develops over time. This is something we see in everyday life: attraction grows out of ordinary shared experiences rather than a fixed list of 'ideal' traits that we look for in a partner. I also liked that the author used examples from popular films that most readers can likely connect with.
I wasn't interested in the parts comparing humans to other apes. While this might be interesting to some people from a biological perspective, they felt a bit less central to the book's main focus.
This book will hopefully encourage people to reconsider common assumptions about this topic.
August 3, 2026
A book club pick I now slightly regret voting for. It really wasn’t the book I expected it to be. I went in hoping for an engaging, science-led exploration of love, attachment and why humans form lasting bonds, but what I got was far messier - it felt like the author just decided to get his thoughts out vs. present a cohesive whole. I mean the culture-war commentary and the discussion of the manosphere left me really unsure of what the book was actually trying to accomplish.
All in all, more of a 1.5-star read for me. Cluttered on every level.
I think this review summarises my feelings best: https://bookmarkedreads.substack.com/... ("an approach of packaging all of evolutionary psychology of mating into a caricature of a box to argue against it. It creates a straw man of the “opposing” science).
All in all, more of a 1.5-star read for me. Cluttered on every level.
I think this review summarises my feelings best: https://bookmarkedreads.substack.com/... ("an approach of packaging all of evolutionary psychology of mating into a caricature of a box to argue against it. It creates a straw man of the “opposing” science).
February 21, 2026
In Bonded by Evolution, Paul Eastwick provides a refreshing, evidence-based antidote to the "folk wisdom" and pseudo-science that often plague the dating industry. While many evolutionary psychology texts lean heavily on rigid, prehistoric archetypes, Eastwick brings the conversation into the 21st century by focusing on how our evolved brains navigate the specific hurdles of the modern age.
The Myth of the "Algorithm"
For many readers—and certainly for single clients frustrated by digital dating—the highlight of this book is Eastwick’s clinical dismantling of online dating algorithms. He convincingly argues that while apps are excellent at providing access to a large pool of candidates, their "matching" capabilities are largely illusory.
The data suggests that compatibility isn't something that can be predicted by a spreadsheet of personality traits or shared hobbies before two people meet. Instead, Eastwick posits that attraction is a dynamic, dyadic process that only begins to take shape once two people are in the same room.
Fresh Insights into Mate Selection
The book shines in its exploration of the what and how of selection. Eastwick moves beyond the "shopping list" mentality (where we think we know what we want) to show that our "stated preferences" rarely align with our "in-vivo" choices. This gap between who we think we should be with and who we actually bond with is a crucial takeaway for anyone looking to understand the mechanics of long-term attachment.
Why It’s a Must-Read for Clinicians
As a psychotherapist, you will find this an invaluable resource for clients who feel "broken" by the modern dating cycle. It provides a grounded framework to help them:
• Manage expectations regarding app success.
• Pivot focus from checking boxes to experiencing the "relational spark."
• Reduce self-blame by understanding the evolutionary hurdles of finding a mate in a high-choice environment.
Final Verdict: While the academic depth might be dense for a casual reader, it is gold for the intentional dater or the professional counselor. It replaces the "magic" of dating with the "mechanics" of human connection.
The Myth of the "Algorithm"
For many readers—and certainly for single clients frustrated by digital dating—the highlight of this book is Eastwick’s clinical dismantling of online dating algorithms. He convincingly argues that while apps are excellent at providing access to a large pool of candidates, their "matching" capabilities are largely illusory.
The data suggests that compatibility isn't something that can be predicted by a spreadsheet of personality traits or shared hobbies before two people meet. Instead, Eastwick posits that attraction is a dynamic, dyadic process that only begins to take shape once two people are in the same room.
Fresh Insights into Mate Selection
The book shines in its exploration of the what and how of selection. Eastwick moves beyond the "shopping list" mentality (where we think we know what we want) to show that our "stated preferences" rarely align with our "in-vivo" choices. This gap between who we think we should be with and who we actually bond with is a crucial takeaway for anyone looking to understand the mechanics of long-term attachment.
Why It’s a Must-Read for Clinicians
As a psychotherapist, you will find this an invaluable resource for clients who feel "broken" by the modern dating cycle. It provides a grounded framework to help them:
• Manage expectations regarding app success.
• Pivot focus from checking boxes to experiencing the "relational spark."
• Reduce self-blame by understanding the evolutionary hurdles of finding a mate in a high-choice environment.
Final Verdict: While the academic depth might be dense for a casual reader, it is gold for the intentional dater or the professional counselor. It replaces the "magic" of dating with the "mechanics" of human connection.
June 13, 2026
Fascinating. It takes the evolutionary background of human relationships seriously without buying into many of the social-Darwinian myths that abound in certain online spaces. In fact, evolutionary history suggests that relational closeness and attachment are significant and particularly human means of developing relationships.
The book also contains a thorough review of data about the sociology of human relationships. This doesn’t necessarily provide us with prescriptions or biological data, but it does reveal trends that could help one seek out a healthier relationship. Takeaways from all this:
- The only difference between what men and women want out of a relationship is the degree of sexual frequency, and this is rather slight (much too slight for blanket statements). Otherwise, men and women (generally speaking) want the same things.
- Romantic relationships are typically born out of community. A web of friendships (with both genders) is the surest way to find a relationship.
- Want to be an attractive partner? Developing your character and virtue will do more than anything else. Learn to be gentle, a good listener, a thoughtful servant, etc.
The book also contains a thorough review of data about the sociology of human relationships. This doesn’t necessarily provide us with prescriptions or biological data, but it does reveal trends that could help one seek out a healthier relationship. Takeaways from all this:
- The only difference between what men and women want out of a relationship is the degree of sexual frequency, and this is rather slight (much too slight for blanket statements). Otherwise, men and women (generally speaking) want the same things.
- Romantic relationships are typically born out of community. A web of friendships (with both genders) is the surest way to find a relationship.
- Want to be an attractive partner? Developing your character and virtue will do more than anything else. Learn to be gentle, a good listener, a thoughtful servant, etc.
September 8, 2026
This was a book club pick and one I was initially really excited about, as I enjoy anthropology and psychology. I liked that a topic that has been written about endlessly was approached from a more scientific angle, and there were definitely some interesting studies and tidbits that made me rethink fairly accepted ideas about attraction and relationships.
That said, overall I found the book a bit disjointed. Individual chapters were interesting, but they often didn’t feel particularly well strung together and I wasn’t always sure what the overarching argument was meant to be. I also found the author much better at interrogating other people’s assumptions (which were often broadly generalised and rejected) than his own.
Still some interesting takeaways but not as great as I hoped it would be!
That said, overall I found the book a bit disjointed. Individual chapters were interesting, but they often didn’t feel particularly well strung together and I wasn’t always sure what the overarching argument was meant to be. I also found the author much better at interrogating other people’s assumptions (which were often broadly generalised and rejected) than his own.
Still some interesting takeaways but not as great as I hoped it would be!
August 25, 2026
It’s a nice book. I read it really fast because I’m already familiar with the idea solely by living. This book simply puts the data on experience and knowledge I already held, such as that there is no such thing as inherent score within us that immediately translates to compatibility (I’ve seen hot and kind people struggle to find love), that compatibility is so complex and idiosyncratic (I’ve seen ugly men with their pretty girlfriends), or that there is no distinction between short and long term partner (I always prefer to be around kind and hot people for either).
It’s reassuring to get explained that the evolutionary behavior we keep is attachment and prosocial biases. This book is a pushback against EvoScript adopted in blackpilled manospheres online, but I simply have to go out to see they are wrong. I’ve seen that each layer of society finds love and company regardless.
It’s reassuring to get explained that the evolutionary behavior we keep is attachment and prosocial biases. This book is a pushback against EvoScript adopted in blackpilled manospheres online, but I simply have to go out to see they are wrong. I’ve seen that each layer of society finds love and company regardless.
August 3, 2026
Cope: The book.
Eastwick has some good points, but he seems blinded by his intense opposition to evolutionary biology and the "manosphere" as he sees it. He constantly builds straw men and paints these perspectives that are scientifically backed, like it's purely bro-science. This feels politically motivated in order to contradict the existing work on mating. I'm not even of that camp, but it felt cringeworthy the way he constantly paints these "evolutionary" bros in a negative/distorted light because he doesn't like what they argue.
Eastwick is constantly cherry-picking to find small holes in the evolutionary biology perspective, although I'm not convinced that just being in proximity to someone, for example, is going to negate the fact that I'm an ugly troll with horrible manners and hygiene. Ultimately, this book seemed childish and catty to me. I guess Eastwick and his fans could just say I'm a bro and ride off/cavalierly dismiss my opinion like the rest of all the other scientists that don't agree with his perspective.
Spotify recommended this audiobook to me, and I started it because evolutionary biology is an interesting topic to me, but I was disappointed. I listened to the whole thing and found myself cringing more often than being fascinated by new information. I don't think I'm the target audience for this book.
Eastwick has some good points, but he seems blinded by his intense opposition to evolutionary biology and the "manosphere" as he sees it. He constantly builds straw men and paints these perspectives that are scientifically backed, like it's purely bro-science. This feels politically motivated in order to contradict the existing work on mating. I'm not even of that camp, but it felt cringeworthy the way he constantly paints these "evolutionary" bros in a negative/distorted light because he doesn't like what they argue.
Eastwick is constantly cherry-picking to find small holes in the evolutionary biology perspective, although I'm not convinced that just being in proximity to someone, for example, is going to negate the fact that I'm an ugly troll with horrible manners and hygiene. Ultimately, this book seemed childish and catty to me. I guess Eastwick and his fans could just say I'm a bro and ride off/cavalierly dismiss my opinion like the rest of all the other scientists that don't agree with his perspective.
Spotify recommended this audiobook to me, and I started it because evolutionary biology is an interesting topic to me, but I was disappointed. I listened to the whole thing and found myself cringing more often than being fascinated by new information. I don't think I'm the target audience for this book.
June 25, 2026
Author is happy to challenge assumptions except his own.
August 29, 2026
“Bonded by Evolution” is a book that claims to present a different view of the science of Love and Connection.
The book starts explaining about what how modern media and culture have created a narrative – that the author terms “EvoScript” - how men and women form relationships based on the idea that men and women are natural competitors and that that relationships are determined almost solely by beauty, wealth and status.
The author, Paul Eastwick, argues that this is too narrow and that love and connection come from addition factors – the most important one being compatibility, meaning how well the couple gets along together. He argues that there are three factors in his Social Relationship (SRM) model - the absolute qualities of the seeker, the sought, and the relationship between the two. And the relationship between the two can overcome the first two factors.
I liked the idea that the author tried to bring new factors into the conversation for there clearly is more in common between men and women. It would have been good if he could have built on this.
But rather than take a truly scientific or research-based view, the author quickly diverged into an ideological view of relationships – one that should data to support his own Liberal point of view, and to completely dismiss Conservative thinking.
He tried to shore up his position by showing the scientific and data driven approach by denigrating anything to do with the right wing or Conservative point of view. Of particularly note he focuses almost exclusively on women’s and LGBTQ issues squeezing out any meaningful conversations and men, spending a considerable amount of time bashing supporters of male rights (and responsibilities) debasing arguments about them and bringing up extreme cases – such as quoting Andrew Tate – to show what’s wrong with the entire way of thinking.
There was talked of misogyny but not of misandry, showing this bias that may in fact be fueling the problems society faces. Why are the world’s relationship problems only resulting from men?
At the end of the book his "true colors" started to show as he titled his second last Chapter “Disrupting the manosphere” with “Add to this incorrect tenet than men and women have fundamentally different essences that were forged in the fires of a prehistoric “man-the-provider, woman-the-caretaker” patriarchy, and these ideas were begging to be hijacked by the regressive male grievance crowd.” (Page 224.)
Clearly these are not words of a serious scientific thinking but an ideologue who twists the data to reinforce his own worldview. Moreover there was not the same attempt to discuss that negatives of feminism which would have made his arguments balanced.
While the book had some promise in trying to bridge the gaps between men and women – necessary to help us hold our societies together, he spent most of the time pushing forward his very biased point of view.
Too bad. It could have been great. Instead, it was just more ideological nonsense.
The book starts explaining about what how modern media and culture have created a narrative – that the author terms “EvoScript” - how men and women form relationships based on the idea that men and women are natural competitors and that that relationships are determined almost solely by beauty, wealth and status.
The author, Paul Eastwick, argues that this is too narrow and that love and connection come from addition factors – the most important one being compatibility, meaning how well the couple gets along together. He argues that there are three factors in his Social Relationship (SRM) model - the absolute qualities of the seeker, the sought, and the relationship between the two. And the relationship between the two can overcome the first two factors.
I liked the idea that the author tried to bring new factors into the conversation for there clearly is more in common between men and women. It would have been good if he could have built on this.
But rather than take a truly scientific or research-based view, the author quickly diverged into an ideological view of relationships – one that should data to support his own Liberal point of view, and to completely dismiss Conservative thinking.
He tried to shore up his position by showing the scientific and data driven approach by denigrating anything to do with the right wing or Conservative point of view. Of particularly note he focuses almost exclusively on women’s and LGBTQ issues squeezing out any meaningful conversations and men, spending a considerable amount of time bashing supporters of male rights (and responsibilities) debasing arguments about them and bringing up extreme cases – such as quoting Andrew Tate – to show what’s wrong with the entire way of thinking.
There was talked of misogyny but not of misandry, showing this bias that may in fact be fueling the problems society faces. Why are the world’s relationship problems only resulting from men?
At the end of the book his "true colors" started to show as he titled his second last Chapter “Disrupting the manosphere” with “Add to this incorrect tenet than men and women have fundamentally different essences that were forged in the fires of a prehistoric “man-the-provider, woman-the-caretaker” patriarchy, and these ideas were begging to be hijacked by the regressive male grievance crowd.” (Page 224.)
Clearly these are not words of a serious scientific thinking but an ideologue who twists the data to reinforce his own worldview. Moreover there was not the same attempt to discuss that negatives of feminism which would have made his arguments balanced.
While the book had some promise in trying to bridge the gaps between men and women – necessary to help us hold our societies together, he spent most of the time pushing forward his very biased point of view.
Too bad. It could have been great. Instead, it was just more ideological nonsense.
April 4, 2026
I received a copy of this book for free in a Goodreads giveaway.
I haven't really read relationship books before, but I was both entertained and educated by this fairly short yet dense book. It covers a lot of ground about the science behind relationships as well as common myths about them, and it even includes actual suggestions for getting into a relationship and improving existing ones.
The book convincingly proves a lot of myths about dating wrong, like differences between genders that are exaggerated, or that there are people who are better for hookups and others who are "marriage material." It presents scientific research alongside relatable examples and anecdotes, which made the reading experience a lot more enjoyable and easy to follow.
I also appreciated that the book mentions the positive aspects of non-romantic relationships, as well as how evolutionary psychology has inadvertently given rise to more toxic masculinity and the "manosphere." Helpfully, the book includes suggestions on improving existing relationships, trying to fix thinking that leads to this manosphere mess, and even creating more opportunities to enter into a relationship. It is critical of the incel community and toxic masculinity but not in a preachy way, and offers actual science to back up the criticism.
If there were one thing I wished this book had more of, it's more focus on LGBTQ+ relationships. The book does mention same-gender relationships quite a bit and even says that there's much to be learned from them, but it's clear that most research focuses on opposite-gender relationships, which makes sense since they're a majority. This is perhaps a selfish wish, though, and the book does an admirable job of covering relationships and connection in general.
The author has done an admirable job in exploring relationships and connection, dismantling common myths, explaining which factors are important in compatibility and which aren't, and even including suggestions for successfully entering into a meaningful relationship. I learned a lot of things from this book, and it's written in an accessible, entertaining way while also including a lot of real research.
I haven't really read relationship books before, but I was both entertained and educated by this fairly short yet dense book. It covers a lot of ground about the science behind relationships as well as common myths about them, and it even includes actual suggestions for getting into a relationship and improving existing ones.
The book convincingly proves a lot of myths about dating wrong, like differences between genders that are exaggerated, or that there are people who are better for hookups and others who are "marriage material." It presents scientific research alongside relatable examples and anecdotes, which made the reading experience a lot more enjoyable and easy to follow.
I also appreciated that the book mentions the positive aspects of non-romantic relationships, as well as how evolutionary psychology has inadvertently given rise to more toxic masculinity and the "manosphere." Helpfully, the book includes suggestions on improving existing relationships, trying to fix thinking that leads to this manosphere mess, and even creating more opportunities to enter into a relationship. It is critical of the incel community and toxic masculinity but not in a preachy way, and offers actual science to back up the criticism.
If there were one thing I wished this book had more of, it's more focus on LGBTQ+ relationships. The book does mention same-gender relationships quite a bit and even says that there's much to be learned from them, but it's clear that most research focuses on opposite-gender relationships, which makes sense since they're a majority. This is perhaps a selfish wish, though, and the book does an admirable job of covering relationships and connection in general.
The author has done an admirable job in exploring relationships and connection, dismantling common myths, explaining which factors are important in compatibility and which aren't, and even including suggestions for successfully entering into a meaningful relationship. I learned a lot of things from this book, and it's written in an accessible, entertaining way while also including a lot of real research.
September 7, 2026
Įsivaizduokit, toks mokslinis tyrimas. Jame dalyvauti atrinkti tik gerai atrodantys vyrai ir moterys. Jie turi užduotį viešoje vietoje prieiti prie nepažįstamo priešingos lyties atstovo ar atstovės ir pasakyti mintinai išmoktą tekstą, skambantį daugmaž taip: “Atsiprašau, jau kurį laiką jus stebiu, jūs labai patrauklus (-i), gal sutiktumėte su manimi sukristi į lovą?” Kadangi nenoriu spoilinti, tai teks jums atsiversti knygą ir sužinoti, kiek proc vyrų ir moterų pasirašė tokiam pasiūlymui.
Susiradau šią knygą todėl, kad Linkedin ją rekomendavo Rory Sutherland, o aš medžioju tokias rekomendacijas. Pati niekaip šios knygos nebūčiau pasiėmus į rankas, nes reikalai apie poravimąsi man seniai neaktualūs.
Vis dėlto džiaugiuosi, kad perskaičiau. Buvo įdomu per įvairius mokslinio tyrinėjimo kampus sužinoti, kas veikia, o kas tikrai ne susirandant antrą pusę. Net nenumaniau, kad tų kampų tiek visokių gali būti.
Autorių matyt evoliucinės psichologijos apologetai yra gerai užtrigerinę, jei jis tiek savo mokslinio dėmesio paskyrė paneigti mitą, kad poras mes renkamės rūpindamiesi geresniais palikuonimis, iš to sukuriant dar visą papildomų mitų rinkinį.
Žodžiu, rekomenduoju. Ir įdomūs moksliniai kampai, ir atsakymai“tradwife” tipo interneto burbulų mitams.
Susiradau šią knygą todėl, kad Linkedin ją rekomendavo Rory Sutherland, o aš medžioju tokias rekomendacijas. Pati niekaip šios knygos nebūčiau pasiėmus į rankas, nes reikalai apie poravimąsi man seniai neaktualūs.
Vis dėlto džiaugiuosi, kad perskaičiau. Buvo įdomu per įvairius mokslinio tyrinėjimo kampus sužinoti, kas veikia, o kas tikrai ne susirandant antrą pusę. Net nenumaniau, kad tų kampų tiek visokių gali būti.
Autorių matyt evoliucinės psichologijos apologetai yra gerai užtrigerinę, jei jis tiek savo mokslinio dėmesio paskyrė paneigti mitą, kad poras mes renkamės rūpindamiesi geresniais palikuonimis, iš to sukuriant dar visą papildomų mitų rinkinį.
Žodžiu, rekomenduoju. Ir įdomūs moksliniai kampai, ir atsakymai“tradwife” tipo interneto burbulų mitams.
March 17, 2026
4.5, really enjoyable, deserves more attention, and hopefully a larger second printing.
I should have so much to say, I constantly talk with and texted my friends about ideas in this book. Some ideas were so obvious, but, running counter to messaging from the 90's, seemed revolutionary.
I think different parts of this book will stand out to different people. Personally I loved the academic drama, and evoPsych slander! But I think, regardless of the specifics you take out of this book, the broader message is clear: We should be positive and optimistic about relationships. Also tinder is full of narcissists, men and women can (and should!) be friends, hypergamy is uncommon, what people want in partners and relationships is probably less gendered than we think, and the key to relationships is compatibility, which we know very little about, and (so far) cannot be predicted? At least there are still some mysteries still out there! Now lets see how hard these lessons are to apply...
I should have so much to say, I constantly talk with and texted my friends about ideas in this book. Some ideas were so obvious, but, running counter to messaging from the 90's, seemed revolutionary.
I think different parts of this book will stand out to different people. Personally I loved the academic drama, and evoPsych slander! But I think, regardless of the specifics you take out of this book, the broader message is clear: We should be positive and optimistic about relationships. Also tinder is full of narcissists, men and women can (and should!) be friends, hypergamy is uncommon, what people want in partners and relationships is probably less gendered than we think, and the key to relationships is compatibility, which we know very little about, and (so far) cannot be predicted? At least there are still some mysteries still out there! Now lets see how hard these lessons are to apply...
March 9, 2026
The first half or so of the book is commendable but a bit boring in that it's mostly about deflating myths which are popular in the manosphere/incel community and I do not really interact much with these. The science about how people meet and find compatible partners was interesting and it was explained just enough to get an idea of how solid the finding might be.
Most examples and arguments are about cishet relationships. The LGBTQ+ case is considered but mostly shown as a model to follow (as per the seminal article "The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science"). I was looking for some advice and instead I'm told we're the experts, sob.
In terms of practical advice, there is some which boils down to: interact with more people in person. Very sensible.
Most examples and arguments are about cishet relationships. The LGBTQ+ case is considered but mostly shown as a model to follow (as per the seminal article "The Friends-to-Lovers Pathway to Romance: Prevalent, Preferred, and Overlooked by Science"). I was looking for some advice and instead I'm told we're the experts, sob.
In terms of practical advice, there is some which boils down to: interact with more people in person. Very sensible.
October 2, 2026
Paul Eastwick overwrites what people usually think evolutionary psychology proposes to explain mechanisms of relationships. There are some nuances as in most cases that makes science communication difficult as people like simple straightforward explanations and it is easy to think there is an objective “mate value”. In the end the message is that humans also have not evolved in the current conditions and same demands that we face in our daily environment right now, so most of the evolutionary arguments when translated to current society do not hold as firmly. The alternative explanation is actually closer to how humans evolved: prolonged exposure to smaller group of people, having communal and collaborative roles, first establishing friendships and the value of compatibility rather than having certain qualities as individuals or looking for such qualities particularly.
March 27, 2026
Amazing book!! Well written and makes scientific research easy to understand and accessible. It is every bit as grounded on evolutionary theory as mainstream evo psych narratives, while reaching very different conclusions. And those conclusions fit the data better, integrating and explaining evidence from both evolutionary psychology and close-relationships research.
This book revolutionizes cultural narratives around attraction and relationships. Must read!! Especially for understanding relationships, but also for pushing back against misogyny and incel culture at a time when many young men are being drawn into such narratives.
If there is one book to read on the topic, it's this one.
This book revolutionizes cultural narratives around attraction and relationships. Must read!! Especially for understanding relationships, but also for pushing back against misogyny and incel culture at a time when many young men are being drawn into such narratives.
If there is one book to read on the topic, it's this one.
June 2, 2026
This got me back into reading about psychology. To summarize it, the author looks at theories of attraction from evolutionary psychology and compares it with current studies to support or refute them. I liked learning about the different topic the book explored (gender differences for finding relationships, the pros/cons to online dating, evolutionary psych theories being used in unintentional ways) and the overall message about what compatibility looks like.
I feel weird not having any problems with anything I read in the book, but I really dont. This book feels like one im going to reread every now and then (probably with notes), so we'll see if that changes.
Also went to a lecture he hosted. Cool guy!
I feel weird not having any problems with anything I read in the book, but I really dont. This book feels like one im going to reread every now and then (probably with notes), so we'll see if that changes.
Also went to a lecture he hosted. Cool guy!
September 8, 2026
I checked this book out at my local library. I found the premise interesting. This was a well-researched look at the evolutionary psychology behind love and connection. In this book, not only does he talk about what works and uses science to back it up but he also debunks a lot modern day beliefs. He also explains the “reasoning” behind the manosphere, and incel culture, which was very interesting. He breaks down the science behind what actually works for most people, why things like the Evoscript, and incel beliefs are wrong and, breaks down a solution for how we can turn our thinking around as a society.
July 8, 2026
Best part of this book is challenging our "market-metaphor" language around relationships and offering a more relational view of humans. Part 1 critiques misconceptions around relationships; Part 2 offers up-to-date science on attachment bonds, describing relationships as mini, pattern-based cultures. This book is better at critiquing than bad views than at offering a compelling narrative of its own, and Part 3 was definitely a fall-off, devolving into banal advice giving and culture-war commentary.
September 22, 2026
I found this intellectually engaging, especially the way it questioned familiar claims about men and women being wired completely differently by evolution. I appreciated the research-driven approach and the idea that love and connection involve more than the simple explanations we often hear about gender. It gave me new ideas to think about and made me excited to keep learning about how relationships form. What appealed to me most was the invitation to question assumptions about connection with curiosity and evidence.
May 1, 2026
I knew I wanted to read this book because of how much I adore the Love Factually podcast that Paul Eastwick cohosts with Eli Finckel. And it did not disappoint. I just find the kind of research Eastwick describes immensely fascinating. On a more personal level, I find myself in need of Eastwick’s optimism about the ability of many people to find and sustain love in a world where so many people are increasingly cynical about dating.
May 21, 2026
This book is a great read and contains multiple studies on relationships, and how they develop. I love the pop culture references and how the author seeks to dispel the myths around the likelihood that the EvoScript (evolutionary psychology) will lead a person to a good relationship vs. other factors. It was a lot of information, but looked at a lot of different angles and topics, so that was commendable.
July 3, 2026
A detailed exploration of the psychological, biological, and social aspects of close relationships. An important corrective to the gender essentialist pop psychology permeating the manosphere. Recommended for single people who do not want to be single and anyone else trying to form deeper, more egalitarian friendships and communities.
October 8, 2026
Eastwick reframes the conversation around dating to focus more on sociological models rather than biological ones. That's not a bad thing as the biological angle is already obsessively covered throughout our culture. The topic is complex, and Eastwick does his best to make the subject readable without losing the nuance. That's rare in a science book for lay people; it is appreciated.
July 6, 2026
Informative even though I’m not a social scientist by training. My dating coach definitely parsed out the most interesting messaging for us, but I’m still glad to have had the exposure to this book of nonfiction
Review of advance copy
Healthily undid a lot of the unhealthy thinking I’ve absorbed about connection and compatibility. Successfully deinfluenced.
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