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Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart
Today's divorce epidemic reflects the rise of many social forces that can pull even the happiest couple apart. In fact, many of us hold deeply ingrained attitudes and assumptions that work against long-term marital happiness. From renowned family therapist Dr. William J. Doherty, this book helps couples pinpoint hidden marital problems and take positive steps to stay close and connected every day. Readers learn to break free of such common traps as confusing desires with needs, applying a trade-in-the-old-model consumer mentality to one's own spouse, or becoming overtime parents instead of full-time partners. They get suggestions for creating relationship rituals that stand the test of time; from mundane to celebratory, sexy to silly. For young couples who want to hold tight to happily-ever-after, or longtime marrieds on the brink of breakup, this book shows how to fight back to restore a marriage worth saving.
184 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2001
44 people are currently reading
213 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews
October 14, 2010
I read this, not because I thought my marriage needed "taking back," but because it was one of several books on marriage recommended in a magazine. I had previously read Doherty's book, The Intentional Family, about family rituals and liked his approach. Doherty's main case in this book is that we have become such a consumer-oriented society that we even use the consumer approach when it comes to marriage. We focus on what we are getting out of marriage and what our needs and wants are, with high expectations that no real person could meet. This continually erodes our marriage and causes us to drift apart over time unless we take steps to avoid it. His suggestions, things like not confusing our needs and desires and making sure we have regular connection and love rituals as a couple, are things I know work from experience. This may now be my favorite book on marriage. I also agree with Doherty that "the antidote to the soft undermining of low expectations is to keep in mind that almost everything about marriage can get better as the years go by . . . . Your joy in raising wonderful children into adulthood can surpass that from any joint work experience in your lifetime. Your roots in a community can be deeper and stronger because they spread out from both of you" (p. 88). My marriage has kept getting better every year, and I look forward to future years of reaping the rewards of a committed marriage.
September 4, 2020
A book well worth reading. Filled with information that, if applied, can strengthen any marriage. Doherty does a great job at explaining how consumerism, especially in America, is having a negative impact on the way we view marriage and consequently, divorce.
Doherty give antidotes to common pitfalls that couples face, and does so with humor and empathy.
He speaks from a position of actively supporting marriage, not being indifferent to it. This book declares that you CAN find connection and fulfillment in marriage, if you're willing to have a stick-together-no-matter-what mindset AND if both couples are willing to at least entertain the idea that improvements are possible.
Doherty give antidotes to common pitfalls that couples face, and does so with humor and empathy.
He speaks from a position of actively supporting marriage, not being indifferent to it. This book declares that you CAN find connection and fulfillment in marriage, if you're willing to have a stick-together-no-matter-what mindset AND if both couples are willing to at least entertain the idea that improvements are possible.
August 9, 2021
Recommend this book for all married people at any stage of their marriage. This book shares the premise that we don’t live in a society that supports marriage and offers practical tips and strategies for keeping your marriage strong. Doherty does acknowledge that sometimes divorce is necessary, eg in cases of abuse, etc. But he shares how easily it is to put marriage on the back burner to so many other things pulling for our attention, eg, jobs, extended family, kids, outside activities. It’s easy to see how this happens and how, with work and commitment, it’s possible to continue to prioritize your relationship with your spouse and the benefits for all if this relationship is strong. It left me inspired to work on my marriage!
June 1, 2020
This book was part of the curriculum for one of my college courses. Doherty shares some really valuable insight to guide couples through marriage in a culture that has embraced consumerism. He shares very practical and applicable tools such as setting boundaries and marital rituals that contribute to not only a lasting marriage but one that is happy as well.
July 9, 2020
I read this for one of my classes and found it very helpful in my mentality about my marriage. It helped me realize that it was time our toddler had a bedtime and that we should plan to spend more time together and do fun things like we used to before kids. It has been so good and the quality of our marriage has increased a lot. I am 25 and have been married for 3 years
April 25, 2022
I read this book for a Marriage and Family Therapy class as part of a MAPC program. I am so glad I did. This book was incredibly refreshing. Doherty’s ideas on marriage counter and challenge everything that culture says. He isn’t afraid to speak the truth about married life, and thank God for that. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is married or plans to get married one day.
April 24, 2022
Read for FAML110, Marriage Skills. Overall I felt like the concepts were enlightening and helpful. I related a lot of what was said to my own life and would recommend others to read this for help in their own marital conflicts and to create a stronger bond with their partner.
April 10, 2025
Has some great thoughts, honestly the last chapter should be one of the first to read so you don’t mess up your marriage by reading this book! Love the ideas behind rituals and getting communities and friends to support marriages more.
August 31, 2017
A good reminder of why we need to keep working on the most important relationship in our lives, our marriage.
November 16, 2019
I read this one for class, but I think I would have picked it up anyway. I found his information on love rituals especially beneficial.
May 18, 2021
Expect to feel like you're reading a textbook. But the information and research within this book is amazing and very useful in strengthening marital relationships. Highly recommend!
July 30, 2021
Read for a class. Some good practical tips on strengthening marriages and dealing with marital issues.
December 28, 2022
There is a lot of good info and yes, it is worth reading. Took me a bit to read but I would recommend.
February 23, 2024
Great advice
I had this book for school, but if implemented by a couple, both reading and studying it together, it can strengthen your marriage and help you through the hurdles.
I had this book for school, but if implemented by a couple, both reading and studying it together, it can strengthen your marriage and help you through the hurdles.
April 22, 2024
Read this for a class I was in. Had some great thoughts but I think I could have learned as much with some bullet points of his thoughts.
December 17, 2011
I read an excellent article on parenting a while back and wrote down all the books referenced in the back of the book. Doherty wrote a great book about marriage. I skipped a couple of chapters, but most if it was dead on. I love to part about a retail marriage -- getting the newest, latest and greatest electronic toys does not apply to marriage, though some in our culture seem to think it does. We stick with it. We serve. We make it work and that is what makes it so beautiful.
Doherty mentioned several things that really strengthen a marriage like rituals and time. We have to schedule the things that are most important to us. Schedule time to just be together doing something fun. Or make small traditions important like a regular date night or a kiss when going or coming or a phone call check during the day or an I love you or anything that has meaning, that you do regularly and is important to both of you. Don't let those things slip. Big events can also count for this as long as both spouses agree on it. This book is so great. You read it and think, duh!!! It seems so basic, but it is really good stuff.
One concept near the end really stuck with me. Talking about your marriage is taboo. We are supposed to keep things private. To some extent, that is important, but what if we used our communities to strengthen our marriages instead of just assuming they are fine and basically ignoring each others marriages until they are falling apart. Doherty says some couple feel they are failing when they hit rough patches, not realizing how common they are to everyone. I remember hearing someone tell me about her husband, "Why did I marry this guy?!?!?!? And then I remember, oh yea." It made me feel oh so much better that day.
Doherty tells a story of a group of friends, many couples, had one couple who decided things weren't working and they were going to split up. The group said, no your not. There were no serious issues of abuse, so the friends supported and helped the couple until they worked it out. The girls talked things out with the wife and the guys took the guy aside and worked with him and helped them work things out and stay together. It's that amazing! How great would it be to have a group of friends like that? To have people not be afraid to get involved. To care enough to step in and help you remember what is really important.
Anyway, reading this gave me a lot to think about. So, if I ask you how you marriage, don't be offended, and you don't have to offer up the nitty gritty details, but a check up with friends and family every so often is not a bad idea.
Doherty mentioned several things that really strengthen a marriage like rituals and time. We have to schedule the things that are most important to us. Schedule time to just be together doing something fun. Or make small traditions important like a regular date night or a kiss when going or coming or a phone call check during the day or an I love you or anything that has meaning, that you do regularly and is important to both of you. Don't let those things slip. Big events can also count for this as long as both spouses agree on it. This book is so great. You read it and think, duh!!! It seems so basic, but it is really good stuff.
One concept near the end really stuck with me. Talking about your marriage is taboo. We are supposed to keep things private. To some extent, that is important, but what if we used our communities to strengthen our marriages instead of just assuming they are fine and basically ignoring each others marriages until they are falling apart. Doherty says some couple feel they are failing when they hit rough patches, not realizing how common they are to everyone. I remember hearing someone tell me about her husband, "Why did I marry this guy?!?!?!? And then I remember, oh yea." It made me feel oh so much better that day.
Doherty tells a story of a group of friends, many couples, had one couple who decided things weren't working and they were going to split up. The group said, no your not. There were no serious issues of abuse, so the friends supported and helped the couple until they worked it out. The girls talked things out with the wife and the guys took the guy aside and worked with him and helped them work things out and stay together. It's that amazing! How great would it be to have a group of friends like that? To have people not be afraid to get involved. To care enough to step in and help you remember what is really important.
Anyway, reading this gave me a lot to think about. So, if I ask you how you marriage, don't be offended, and you don't have to offer up the nitty gritty details, but a check up with friends and family every so often is not a bad idea.
April 21, 2010
Take Back your Marriage
Doherty presents a useful perspective that analyzes how our consumerist society exerts pressures that pull people apart in a marriage. Marriage has changed over the decades, and our expectations today are very different than the expectations that couples brought to their marriages in our parents' generation. These days, we're likely to be much more demanding of the ways in which we want our marriages to "measure up," which is often a tall--and unrealistic--approach. Doherty encourages the use of rituals in marriage, to help a couple to maintain connection, even when divorce is no where in the picture. This book is helpful to not only those couples how might be struggling with the decision to divorce, but may have even more value to those couples who want to be protective of this most important of relationships. The title of the book may fail to attract those couples who want to protect their relationship, as well as the couples who are already in trouble.
I also like that this book is more about encouraging an attitude shift, rather than a "communication how-to handbook" that tries to force a couple into some kind of stilted, awkward, only-in-a-therapist's-office communication pattern.
Doherty presents a useful perspective that analyzes how our consumerist society exerts pressures that pull people apart in a marriage. Marriage has changed over the decades, and our expectations today are very different than the expectations that couples brought to their marriages in our parents' generation. These days, we're likely to be much more demanding of the ways in which we want our marriages to "measure up," which is often a tall--and unrealistic--approach. Doherty encourages the use of rituals in marriage, to help a couple to maintain connection, even when divorce is no where in the picture. This book is helpful to not only those couples how might be struggling with the decision to divorce, but may have even more value to those couples who want to be protective of this most important of relationships. The title of the book may fail to attract those couples who want to protect their relationship, as well as the couples who are already in trouble.
I also like that this book is more about encouraging an attitude shift, rather than a "communication how-to handbook" that tries to force a couple into some kind of stilted, awkward, only-in-a-therapist's-office communication pattern.
November 19, 2013
Pretty good, possibly not the best marriage book I've ever read, but good food for thought.
Biggest nuggets I got out of this one:
*Make traditions routine. Things like lunch every Wednesday, or coffee after dinner, or a footrub during Tv, are small things that bind together a marriage.
*Don't read marriage books and then jump on your partner about all the things the marriage book has said. Just because you've got your relationship forefront in your mind and have spent the last four days thinking and evaluating it, doesn't mean he has. Bring it up slowly, at the right time.
*Let your kids know they are not the most important people in the family, and you put each other first occasionally. As they get older, this means having 'closed door' time, learning to knock, playing quietly while Mum & Dad talk for an hour, but right now also means telling son to wait his turn to speak or to have something done for him.
Biggest nuggets I got out of this one:
*Make traditions routine. Things like lunch every Wednesday, or coffee after dinner, or a footrub during Tv, are small things that bind together a marriage.
*Don't read marriage books and then jump on your partner about all the things the marriage book has said. Just because you've got your relationship forefront in your mind and have spent the last four days thinking and evaluating it, doesn't mean he has. Bring it up slowly, at the right time.
*Let your kids know they are not the most important people in the family, and you put each other first occasionally. As they get older, this means having 'closed door' time, learning to knock, playing quietly while Mum & Dad talk for an hour, but right now also means telling son to wait his turn to speak or to have something done for him.
May 29, 2010
This book is excellent for single people, who want to learn about marriage's challenges and joys and comprehend the dynamics of intimate relationships in a modern world influenced by consumerism and materialism.
It is also excellent for married people who want an optimistic and realistic perspective that helps them look at their glasses half full.
This is an easy to read and practical book; the author supports his ideas with research findings and longitudinal studies conducted in the area of "marriage" and "divorce" in the American culture.
The writer has decades of experience in the field of marital relationships (since the 70's). The information in the book stays with the reader for even long after reading it. It is influential, inspiring and empowering.
It is also excellent for married people who want an optimistic and realistic perspective that helps them look at their glasses half full.
This is an easy to read and practical book; the author supports his ideas with research findings and longitudinal studies conducted in the area of "marriage" and "divorce" in the American culture.
The writer has decades of experience in the field of marital relationships (since the 70's). The information in the book stays with the reader for even long after reading it. It is influential, inspiring and empowering.
February 26, 2014
I've just begun this book, but it's fantastic so far. Not that I'm having problems with my marriage, but someone recommended this to me and now I realize how much better I can be! The author is definitely pro-marriage and pro-sticking-it-out-when-everyone-else-is-getting-a-divorce. I'm excited to read the rest of the book.
I have only great things to say about this book. My husband is now reading it and likes it too. Everyone should read this book.
I have only great things to say about this book. My husband is now reading it and likes it too. Everyone should read this book.
July 25, 2008
One of the best books about marriage that I have ever read. Even my husband read it and liked it. That alone means it is worth reading because my husband is the ultimate critic of self help books. The author states that his marriage book is unlike many others on the market because it is NOT a book about communication. A very good read!
November 7, 2011
Very inspiring and thought-provoking. Good for therapists and for people who work with couples, in addition to those who just want to pump up their marriage or who are struggling in their relationship. Gives a new way to think about relationships and these tools can translate to other relationships too- not just marriages/partnerships!
Read
December 15, 2010Pretty good so far. I have to read it for Family discussion over Christmas break, not because I'm taking back my marriage.
Sometimes non-fiction doesn't take "finishing" to get what you need out of the book.
Sometimes non-fiction doesn't take "finishing" to get what you need out of the book.
Read
April 15, 2009I read this (or at least most of the end of it) in a couple of hours at Barnes and Noble (The library didn't have a copy of it and they should have had more than one). I think it had some very good ideas that I expect will stick with me.
June 10, 2008
Good advice and simple ways to protect your marriage from...life.
November 14, 2008
This is not a bad book and a good way of looking at our priorities.
May 27, 2010
This is for a couples therapy class...no one need be concerned!
September 24, 2010
Beautiful opener worth pondering in itself
January 23, 2011
This book encouraged me to celebrate and strengthen my own and everybody else's marriage. It has some concrete ideas about how to do this.
Read
June 16, 2011read this many years ago and thought it made a lot of sense
Displaying 1 - 30 of 38 reviews