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184 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2003
In those days, I think I turned my back on the world, on everybody in it. Readerless, with no concrete ideas about love or death, and, to top it all off, a pretentious writer hiding his beginner’s fragility, I was a walking nightmare. I identified youth with despair and despair with the color black. I dressed in black from head to toe. I bought myself two pairs of glasses, two identical pairs, which I didn’t need at all, I bought them to look more intellectual.
My youth was starting to look like what I called earlier, despair in black. This despair – at times feigned and at others genuinely endured – was my most loyal and constant companion throughout the two years I lived in Paris. Often, a sudden lucidity that seemed to arise from my least feigned despair told me I was burying my youth in the garret. Youth is extraordinary, I thought, and I’m suffocating it by living a bohemian life that’s not leading anywhere.
One day, through Cozarinsky’s book on Borges and cinema, I discovered the author of The Aleph. I bought his stories at the Spanish Bookstore, and reading them was a total revelation for me. I was knocked out, especially by the idea – found in one of his stories – that perhaps the future did not exist.
“Cuando leo algo que entiendo perfectamente, lo abandono desilusionado. No me gustan los relatos con historias comprensibles. Porque entender puede ser una condena. Y no entender, la puerta que se abre.”Un escritor que consigue su deseo de dirigirse a nosotros “con la mayor claridad y sencillez posible” por muy raro que sea lo que nos diga y, más aún, lo que quiera decirnos. Un autor ambiguo que consigue dirigirse a nosotros, a ti y a mí, aunque leamos lo mismo que ya no será lo mismo. Un autor que nos ofrece un camino tan interesante que nos hace olvidar la ausencia de destino. Un autor diferente al que se lee con la sonrisa puesta, con una envidia que querría rebajarlo a nuestro nivel (cuesta perdonarle su posición social y económica que le permitió vivir en París a costa de sus padres y tener esos contactos que le permitieron codearse con la intelectualidad de la época) pero, sobre todo, con la envidia de querer alzarnos hasta el suyo, de llegar a conocer como él a todos esos autores que cita con tanta habilidad, de conseguir leer todos esos libros que menciona como nadie y que al traerlos a su hilo argumental, si es que se puede hablar de hilo con Vila-Matas y no de red, los trasforma sin desvirtuarlos.
“Nadie va muy lejos cuando conoce la felicidad de volver a entrar en su casa.”
Speaking of pantheons, , the most ironic phrase I know—perhaps the ironic phrase par excellence--is the epitaph Marcel Duchamp wrote for his own tombstone:
D’ailleurs, c’est toujours les autres qui meurent.
(After all, it’s always other people who die.)
”Among the many fictions possible, an autobiography can also be a fiction”. Another silence followed. “But try,” he added, “to be as truthful as you can, so you can be seen as you really are. And if possible, portray me as I’m really not.
From that day on, I annoyed my friends less with this idea of dying by my own hand, but for a long time I maintained my belief—which wasn’t completely destroyed until August of this year—in the intrinsic elegance of despair. Until I discovered how inelegant it is to walk, sad, in despair, dead, through the streets of your neighborhood in Paris. I realized it this August. And ever since I’ve been finding elegance in happiness. “I have embarked on the study of metaphysics several times, but happiness always interrupted,” said Macedonio Fernandez. Now, I think going through the world without experiencing the joy in living, rather than elegant, is just so humdrum. Fernando Savater said that the Castilian saying to take things philosophically does not mean to be resigned to things, or to take things seriously, but rather to take them happily. Of course. After all, we have all eternity to despair.
you'll see me improvise on occasion. like right now when, before going on to read my ironic revision of the two years of my youth in paris, i feel compelled to tell you that i do know that irony plays with fire and, while mocking others, sometimes ends up mocking itself. you all know full well what i'm talking about. when you pretend to be in love you run the risk of feeling it, he who parodies without proper precautions ends up a victim just the same... that said, i must also warn you that when you hear me say, for example, that there was never any end to paris, i will most likely be saying it ironically. but, anyway, i hope not to overwhelm you with too much irony. the kind that i practice has nothing to do with that which arises from desperation- i was stupidly desperate enough when i was young. i like a kind of irony i call benevolent, compassionate, like what we find, for example, in the best of cervantes. i don't like ferocious irony but rather the kind that vacillates between disappointment and hope. okay?
Escuché el consejo de Queneau pero, abrumado al ver que debía pagar las luces de bohemia de como mínimo tres generaciones de artistas, no fui ni capaz de agradecerle ese consejo a Marguerite. La acompañé hasta el portal del inmueble de la rue Saint-Benôit y con una silenciosa reverencia le di las gracias por las gestiones en Électricité de France. Aunque no podía saberlo, era la última vez que la vería. Hice la reverencia y luego añadí con humor y tímidamente, recordando una frase del bohemio Bouvier: "Esta noche en la buhardilla, encenderé una cerilla para no ver nada."