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331 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2013
once attempted a catalogue of my interior. It grew and grew as she pursued it, spilling out over her desk. Here, she would say, is the avenue of your contentment. Here the rue de pommes. Here is the flood, the drift, the dream. Here, she would say, beneath the heart, here are the ruins of the city you once were, and of another you may some day become. Here are the arrowheads of a battle, the bones of dead birds. A ruined chapel, an empty clock.
Miri was everything I had been taught to despise: a woman whose passions rose and sank with the weather, whose life was dictated by blind chance, who relished sunlight and rain on her skin. Who ate pears with her eyes closed, and rolled the textured flesh on her tongue before she swallowed. Who read without reason or order or ambition, without cross-referencing or fear. Who believed in the efficacy of luck. Who was happy to be tossed across and through life as a loosened feather is thrown through the air by the wind.
The light undid me: it opened the world too wide. Shone too sharp a light into our lives. My bones were too heavy. My knees too sharp. I could only concentrate on small things: on Miri's hand curved around her cup. This much, and no more, I could understand. This much I could love without a sharp stab of pain and anger. Tomorrow, I would love Miri's wrist again — the memory of it — the next day her arm. And so on and on, until Miri's whole body unspooled into my heart. A memory. A ghost.
All my childhood was gone with him into that strange and secret place where he now dwelled. My father, who had been my only true parent, the only one who had known me. I had been forgotten so completely, so suddenly, I felt loose-boned.
[...]
He was travelling down into his paper grave with it held to his chest, a moon-pale globe of secrets I would never know, lighting his way into death.
History was an artform — the delicate, dangerous art of creating the past.
I wanted to eat her. Wanted to shell her like a pea. Find her fresh green centre. My whole body was turned inside out. I was a spilled sack of stars. I had no right to be so happy. To walk so completely out of myself and into her.