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Bastards I Have Met
Bastards, as Barry Crump discovered one afternoon in the Timberlands Hotel, outnumbered heroes by something like 15,000 to one - an intriguing fact that had never been adequately documented before. Crump being Crump he immediately set out to remedy the matter, and the result was "Bastards I Have Met", an ABC of Bastardry which when published in 1971 took the country by storm.
Now due to popular demand Crump's original twenty-six prize bastards are presented for public enjoyment once again, together with another eight unlikely bastards he met while working down on the Coast a few years back. A whole new generation will enjoy this fresh collection of Crump tales, which are as hilarious as they are perceptive of the many quirks and oddities in the Kiwi character.
Now due to popular demand Crump's original twenty-six prize bastards are presented for public enjoyment once again, together with another eight unlikely bastards he met while working down on the Coast a few years back. A whole new generation will enjoy this fresh collection of Crump tales, which are as hilarious as they are perceptive of the many quirks and oddities in the Kiwi character.
- GenresNonfictionHumor
Paperback
First published January 1, 1971
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About the author
Barry Crump
50 books81 followersNew Zealand author of semi-autobiographical comic novels based on his image as a rugged outdoors man.
Crump worked for many years as a government deer-culler in areas of New Zealand native forest (termed "the bush"). He wrote his first novel, A Good Keen Man, in 1960, based on his experiences as a government hunter. It was a fictional account of a young hunter who has to suffer through a series of hunting partners who are often unsuitable for the job. This novel became one of the most popular in New Zealand history,
Crump died in 1996 of a suspected aortic aneurysm. At the time of his death he was living at Ohauiti with his fifth wife, Maggie.
abridged from Wikipedia
Crump worked for many years as a government deer-culler in areas of New Zealand native forest (termed "the bush"). He wrote his first novel, A Good Keen Man, in 1960, based on his experiences as a government hunter. It was a fictional account of a young hunter who has to suffer through a series of hunting partners who are often unsuitable for the job. This novel became one of the most popular in New Zealand history,
Crump died in 1996 of a suspected aortic aneurysm. At the time of his death he was living at Ohauiti with his fifth wife, Maggie.
abridged from Wikipedia
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
September 9, 2014
One of Crump's best. A-Z, 26 commonly found examples of bastardry, with another 7 at the end to round things off. In classic NZ style, I am not so sure it will work so well beyond, say, Australia.
Covers of such bastards as the bad bastard, the clever bastard, the miserable bastard, the officious bastard, the weak bastard and of course, everyone's favourite, the good bastard.
Covers of such bastards as the bad bastard, the clever bastard, the miserable bastard, the officious bastard, the weak bastard and of course, everyone's favourite, the good bastard.
June 17, 2019
Read this years ago still has a special place on my bookshelf. Crump a classic New Zealand bushman and the many men he encountered in his life. Just what kind of bastard are you? He classed everyone as some type of bastard, just try to be a good bastard.
January 19, 2021
Continuing my education in reading New Zealand authors!
My husband kindly sourced this book for me for Christmas after I expressed an interest in reading some Barry Crump. I’d never heard of him until we watched Taika Waititi’s smashing film Hunt for the Wilderpeople. I wondered if it had been based on a book, and saw that it was - Wild Pork and Watercress by aforesaid Barry Crump.
I’ve had some enjoyable bedtime reading chuckles with the Bastards, in particular Enigmatic Bastard and Indispensable Bastard. For me, these, and some of the others, succeed best where the author’s storytelling really comes to the fore. I’m looking forward to reading more of his work!
My husband kindly sourced this book for me for Christmas after I expressed an interest in reading some Barry Crump. I’d never heard of him until we watched Taika Waititi’s smashing film Hunt for the Wilderpeople. I wondered if it had been based on a book, and saw that it was - Wild Pork and Watercress by aforesaid Barry Crump.
I’ve had some enjoyable bedtime reading chuckles with the Bastards, in particular Enigmatic Bastard and Indispensable Bastard. For me, these, and some of the others, succeed best where the author’s storytelling really comes to the fore. I’m looking forward to reading more of his work!
September 13, 2015
I had Crump's second book, Hang On a Minute Mate, in my hand at the library when I looked at the page listing his other books. Bastards I Have Met made me burst out laughing right in the aisles, and, knowing Crump's legendary Kiwi status as a humorist, I figured this book would serve just as well as the other. (I had never read him before.) Luckily they had it available.
Quite an enjoyable read! The book is literally an "A-Z on Bastardry", starting with Actual Bastard and ending with Zealous Bastard. There's an epilogue of sorts with 8 additional types of bastards he met after completing his "encyclopedia of bastardry," while working in Tangaroa. Crump has a pleasant and slightly absurd style of humor, the kind of bushman who clearly enjoys meeting new people and having a laugh. He's never mean about describing these bastards (except, perhaps, for the Intellectual Bastard - Bastardus profundus), and for some of them he writes with downright sympathy (like the Poor Bastard - Bastardus upagainstitus - and Unlucky Bastard aka Bastardus rawdealus). Some of the Latin names are quite wonderful, like Bastardus woebegoneus (Miserable Bastard) or Bastardus primpus (Vain Bastard). In addition to the 34 types of bastard with dedicated chapters, he names a lot of other bastards along the way.
It's a good time, full of great little character sketches and laughs, tall tales and short tales.
Here's Crump on what he calls Temperamental Bastards (Bastardus highstrungus), the type of bastard who would call himself merely a Sensitive Bastard (Bastardus thinskinnus). These are the people who complain all the time and don't do well with relationships, because other people offend their sensitivities.
-----
---
"Perhaps the most effective way of silencing an Intellectual Bastard would be to present him with a ledger, with all he's ever done in one column, and the time it's taken him to do it in the other. Which goes to demonstrate that if there was any tangible way to assess the qualities of the Intellectual Bastard he wouldn't exist."
Quite an enjoyable read! The book is literally an "A-Z on Bastardry", starting with Actual Bastard and ending with Zealous Bastard. There's an epilogue of sorts with 8 additional types of bastards he met after completing his "encyclopedia of bastardry," while working in Tangaroa. Crump has a pleasant and slightly absurd style of humor, the kind of bushman who clearly enjoys meeting new people and having a laugh. He's never mean about describing these bastards (except, perhaps, for the Intellectual Bastard - Bastardus profundus), and for some of them he writes with downright sympathy (like the Poor Bastard - Bastardus upagainstitus - and Unlucky Bastard aka Bastardus rawdealus). Some of the Latin names are quite wonderful, like Bastardus woebegoneus (Miserable Bastard) or Bastardus primpus (Vain Bastard). In addition to the 34 types of bastard with dedicated chapters, he names a lot of other bastards along the way.
It's a good time, full of great little character sketches and laughs, tall tales and short tales.
Here's Crump on what he calls Temperamental Bastards (Bastardus highstrungus), the type of bastard who would call himself merely a Sensitive Bastard (Bastardus thinskinnus). These are the people who complain all the time and don't do well with relationships, because other people offend their sensitivities.
I don't know about you, tolerant reader - Humanitarian Bastard (Bastardus bigheartedus) - but by the time I shifted out of that flat with Basil I'd just about enough of Temperamental Bastards. For too long we've been making excuses for them on the grounds of their sensitivity, as though to be sensitive was some kind of virtue.
Look at it this way, if you or I had a sensitive - say - elbow, we wouldn't be likely to regard it as anything but a disability, a source of discomfort. We certainly wouldn't claim it was a gift or a talent or an excuse to suffer, as the Temperamental Bastard so often does. We'd know the best thing would be a rapid cure; a de-sensitization of the elbow!
-----
I don't know about you, dear reader - Energetic Bastard (Bastardus whirlwindus) - but I used to feel sorry for Lazy Bastards like Arney. Now I'm not so sure. They don't have such a hard time of it when you consider that they never get sent to fetch anything, or do anything there's any hurry to get done. And that includes just about everything in these hectic times. No one expects them to be "on time", or efficient, or stick to schedules, or even pull their weight. They just get left alone to do their own things in their own time. And yet you couldn't really call them Useless Bastards (Bastardus nonentus). [...]
Maybe they've been sent among us to remind us that we're taking things too seriously and too fast for our own good. In a world full of criticism of each other, where anything we do is liable to be wrong in somebody's opinion, there's few less harmful and objectionable types than the good old Lazy Bastard (Bastardus loafus).
---
"Perhaps the most effective way of silencing an Intellectual Bastard would be to present him with a ledger, with all he's ever done in one column, and the time it's taken him to do it in the other. Which goes to demonstrate that if there was any tangible way to assess the qualities of the Intellectual Bastard he wouldn't exist."
November 3, 2015
Fantastic!
This book has a chapter dedicated to one of my relatives, Harry Bimler (called Joe Bimler in this), aka "Indispensable Bastard"
Harry has also written a book on deer culling called "My Deer Life" which is bloody hard to get hold of, but if you like Crumpy you'll probably like that as well.
This book has a chapter dedicated to one of my relatives, Harry Bimler (called Joe Bimler in this), aka "Indispensable Bastard"
Harry has also written a book on deer culling called "My Deer Life" which is bloody hard to get hold of, but if you like Crumpy you'll probably like that as well.
January 29, 2009
I love this book. It is a gruff kiwi collection of the different type of bastards the author has met. It is no masterpiece but a sure easy read to get a few chuckles and smiles.
June 14, 2016
Good intro to classic kiwi character Bazza, especially enjoyed the added character portrayals at the end of the book.
March 4, 2023
Excellent Crumpy fun book - Kiwi Bushie humour.
A-z of Bastards he has met and then a few more as bonus material.
He's never mean about describing these bastards (except, perhaps, for the Intellectual Bastard - Bastardus profundus), and for some of them he writes with downright sympathy (like the Poor Bastard - Bastardus upagainstitus - and Unlucky Bastard aka Bastardus rawdealus). Some of the Latin names are quite wonderful, like Bastardus woebegoneus (Miserable Bastard) or Bastardus primpus (Vain Bastard). In addition to the 34 types of bastard with dedicated chapters, he names a lot of other bastards along the way.
Loved the Latin names Bastardus fairdinkumus (Actual Bastard), Bastardus skulduggerus (Bad Bastard), Bastardus smartfartus (Clever Bastard), Bastardus drippus (Dozey Bastard), Bastardus Waggus (Hard-case Bastard), Bastardus correctus (Officious Bastard),
Bastardus perplexus - Suggy spent his whole life being casually disinterested in anything to do with the due order and course of anything he happened to come in contact with. He was quite indifferent to the precedents and standards of the system, absolutely unaffected by prescriptions, or formulas, examples, customs, methods, routines, norms, tenets, commandments, conventions, codes, recipes, regimes, precepts or discretions.
….If you ask mee that’s a pretty good reason why we ought to try and give up judging each other on one performance, usually the kind of performance that it suits us to believe of the person under judgement. It doesn’t make sense when you think about it. And yet we all do it, every one of us, all the time – even such hand-picked and faultless bastards as you and I.
Bastardus virtuus …even the Jehovah’s Witnesses found that there was nothing they could teach him about human goodness.
I wonder we he is now. I somehow can’t see him or heaven gaining anything by his residence there, but then the other place doesn’t seem right for him either. Perhaps there’s a special kind of half-way house where Good Bastards so whe they pass on, where they can spend their days being as good to each other as they like without anyone getting embarrassed about it. I hope so.
It's a good time, full of great little character sketches and laughs, tall tales and short tales.
Here's Crump on what he calls Temperamental Bastards (Bastardus highstrungus), the type of bastard who would call himself merely a Sensitive Bastard (Bastardus thinskinnus). These are the people who complain all the time and don't do well with relationships, because other people offend their sensitivities.
I don't know about you, tolerant reader - Humanitarian Bastard (Bastardus bigheartedus) - but by the time I shifted out of that flat with Basil I'd just about enough of Temperamental Bastards. For too long we've been making excuses for them on the grounds of their sensitivity, as though to be sensitive was some kind of virtue.
Look at it this way, if you or I had a sensitive - say - elbow, we wouldn't be likely to regard it as anything but a disability, a source of discomfort. We certainly wouldn't claim it was a gift or a talent or an excuse to suffer, as the Temperamental Bastard so often does. We'd know the best thing would be a rapid cure; a de-sensitization of the elbow!
-----
I don't know about you, dear reader - Energetic Bastard (Bastardus whirlwindus) - but I used to feel sorry for Lazy Bastards like Arney. Now I'm not so sure. They don't have such a hard time of it when you consider that they never get sent to fetch anything, or do anything there's any hurry to get done. And that includes just about everything in these hectic times. No one expects them to be "on time", or efficient, or stick to schedules, or even pull their weight. They just get left alone to do their own things in their own time. And yet you couldn't really call them Useless Bastards (Bastardus nonentus). [...]
Maybe they've been sent among us to remind us that we're taking things too seriously and too fast for our own good. In a world full of criticism of each other, where anything we do is liable to be wrong in somebody's opinion, there's few less harmful and objectionable types than the good old Lazy Bastard (Bastardus loafus).
---
"Perhaps the most effective way of silencing an Intellectual Bastard would be to present him with a ledger, with all he's ever done in one column, and the time it's taken him to do it in the other. Which goes to demonstrate that if there was any tangible way to assess the qualities of the Intellectual Bastard he wouldn't exist."
A-z of Bastards he has met and then a few more as bonus material.
He's never mean about describing these bastards (except, perhaps, for the Intellectual Bastard - Bastardus profundus), and for some of them he writes with downright sympathy (like the Poor Bastard - Bastardus upagainstitus - and Unlucky Bastard aka Bastardus rawdealus). Some of the Latin names are quite wonderful, like Bastardus woebegoneus (Miserable Bastard) or Bastardus primpus (Vain Bastard). In addition to the 34 types of bastard with dedicated chapters, he names a lot of other bastards along the way.
Loved the Latin names Bastardus fairdinkumus (Actual Bastard), Bastardus skulduggerus (Bad Bastard), Bastardus smartfartus (Clever Bastard), Bastardus drippus (Dozey Bastard), Bastardus Waggus (Hard-case Bastard), Bastardus correctus (Officious Bastard),
Bastardus perplexus - Suggy spent his whole life being casually disinterested in anything to do with the due order and course of anything he happened to come in contact with. He was quite indifferent to the precedents and standards of the system, absolutely unaffected by prescriptions, or formulas, examples, customs, methods, routines, norms, tenets, commandments, conventions, codes, recipes, regimes, precepts or discretions.
….If you ask mee that’s a pretty good reason why we ought to try and give up judging each other on one performance, usually the kind of performance that it suits us to believe of the person under judgement. It doesn’t make sense when you think about it. And yet we all do it, every one of us, all the time – even such hand-picked and faultless bastards as you and I.
Bastardus virtuus …even the Jehovah’s Witnesses found that there was nothing they could teach him about human goodness.
I wonder we he is now. I somehow can’t see him or heaven gaining anything by his residence there, but then the other place doesn’t seem right for him either. Perhaps there’s a special kind of half-way house where Good Bastards so whe they pass on, where they can spend their days being as good to each other as they like without anyone getting embarrassed about it. I hope so.
It's a good time, full of great little character sketches and laughs, tall tales and short tales.
Here's Crump on what he calls Temperamental Bastards (Bastardus highstrungus), the type of bastard who would call himself merely a Sensitive Bastard (Bastardus thinskinnus). These are the people who complain all the time and don't do well with relationships, because other people offend their sensitivities.
I don't know about you, tolerant reader - Humanitarian Bastard (Bastardus bigheartedus) - but by the time I shifted out of that flat with Basil I'd just about enough of Temperamental Bastards. For too long we've been making excuses for them on the grounds of their sensitivity, as though to be sensitive was some kind of virtue.
Look at it this way, if you or I had a sensitive - say - elbow, we wouldn't be likely to regard it as anything but a disability, a source of discomfort. We certainly wouldn't claim it was a gift or a talent or an excuse to suffer, as the Temperamental Bastard so often does. We'd know the best thing would be a rapid cure; a de-sensitization of the elbow!
-----
I don't know about you, dear reader - Energetic Bastard (Bastardus whirlwindus) - but I used to feel sorry for Lazy Bastards like Arney. Now I'm not so sure. They don't have such a hard time of it when you consider that they never get sent to fetch anything, or do anything there's any hurry to get done. And that includes just about everything in these hectic times. No one expects them to be "on time", or efficient, or stick to schedules, or even pull their weight. They just get left alone to do their own things in their own time. And yet you couldn't really call them Useless Bastards (Bastardus nonentus). [...]
Maybe they've been sent among us to remind us that we're taking things too seriously and too fast for our own good. In a world full of criticism of each other, where anything we do is liable to be wrong in somebody's opinion, there's few less harmful and objectionable types than the good old Lazy Bastard (Bastardus loafus).
---
"Perhaps the most effective way of silencing an Intellectual Bastard would be to present him with a ledger, with all he's ever done in one column, and the time it's taken him to do it in the other. Which goes to demonstrate that if there was any tangible way to assess the qualities of the Intellectual Bastard he wouldn't exist."
September 15, 2025
Genetic engineering. A disturbing but, I must admit, a revolutionary frontier of science. What possibilities will it bring in healthcare? Will it resurrect extinct species? Will it be used to wipe out the minds of the dysfunctional, sensitive young men before they are born? Altering the brains of people to make them perfect Homo Economicus accumulators of capital, no whimsy and melancholy, no Catcher in the Rye re-reading, no Myth of Sisyphus coping. Will everyone be a neurotypical supermodel? Isn't that a bit... Hmmmmm... Uhhhhhh... Y'know....
The only thing I want to see with genetic engineering is the creation of the Ultimate Kiwi Man, using the DNA of heroes. Barry Crump, the author of this book, which has nothing to do with this autistic little essay, is someone whose DNA must be incorporated into this Ultimate Kiwi. Mix Barry Crump with Richie McCaw, with Leigh Hart, with Jeremy Wells, with Billy T. James, with Sir Edmund Hillary, with my Uncle, with Hone Heke, with Sir Peter Blake, with Burt Munro, with Jonah Lomu, with Bruce McLaren, and funnel them all into one embryo. Let the Kiwi-watz Haderach rise! "G'day."
The only thing I want to see with genetic engineering is the creation of the Ultimate Kiwi Man, using the DNA of heroes. Barry Crump, the author of this book, which has nothing to do with this autistic little essay, is someone whose DNA must be incorporated into this Ultimate Kiwi. Mix Barry Crump with Richie McCaw, with Leigh Hart, with Jeremy Wells, with Billy T. James, with Sir Edmund Hillary, with my Uncle, with Hone Heke, with Sir Peter Blake, with Burt Munro, with Jonah Lomu, with Bruce McLaren, and funnel them all into one embryo. Let the Kiwi-watz Haderach rise! "G'day."
September 21, 2023
To many Barry was a quintessential Kiwi until it became unfashionable to be a tough take no prisoners type of guy
He has from what we colloquially call the school of hard knocks
By all accounts a bad father and worse husband but typical of many men from his era
Worth a read and it is Kiwi humour at its finest
He has from what we colloquially call the school of hard knocks
By all accounts a bad father and worse husband but typical of many men from his era
Worth a read and it is Kiwi humour at its finest
December 27, 2021
A very entertaining read. Crump is easily the funniest Kiwi writer I've ever come across. I personally find this cheeky little collection of stories about colourful personalities laugh-out-loud enjoyable.
January 1, 2025
Clever and hilariously funny, Bastards I Have Met is no less entertaining today than when it first appeared.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews