Growing Yourself Back Up: Understanding Emotional Regression

by John H. Lee

Someone pushes your buttons. You feel rage, fear, sweaty palms, unbidden tears—you feel like a kid.

We've all experienced moments when we lose control of a situation and ourselves. Now, in Growing Yourself Back Up , the first book to explain the idea of emotional regression to the general reader, bestselling author John Lee identifies the circumstances that cause these seemingly uncontrollable feelings and shows how they are directly tied to our experience as children.

No adult, explains Lee, need ever experience the helpless feelings of childhood again. Here are his proven methods and visualization exercises, developed in his popular workshops, for recognizing, preventing, and diffusing regression in ourselves and others. He teaches, for example, that adults cannot be abandoned, they can only be left; if we're feeling abandoned we're regressing. He also reminds us that no matter how overwhelmed we are, adults always have options; if we believe we don't, we're in a regression.

Growing Yourself Back Up will show you how
* develop strong emotional boundaries and convey them to others
* learn the Detour Method that reverses regression
* confront without regressing
* communicate with the authority figures who push your buttons
* minimize regression at family functions

Lee offers hope—as well as practical strategies that work—for conquering those childlike feelings of powerlessness that are almost always rooted in regression.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Personal Growth, Mental Health, Counselling

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 23, 2001

About the author

John Lee is a pioneer in the fields of self-help, anger management, co-dependency, emotional regression, recovery, emotional intelligence, relationships, and men’s issues. His highly innovative work in these fields has made him an in-demand consultant, teacher, trainer, life coach, and speaker. His contributions in these fields have put him in the national spotlight for over 35 years.

Reviews

[Leo · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. This is at the moment the self help book where I learned the most from and got more tools to use in my everyday life. I was aware that my childhood/teens and past still effects me to this day but this book taught me a lot. I highly recommend listening/reading this to anyone in a healing journey. The only reason I didn't give it a full five stars was that the author had a lot of "selling talk", about why this book is so helpful and how much his teachings have helped other people. I don't want to have those including when I already picked the book up. That should be on the blurb or left for the reviews

[Amr Raouf · Rating 5 out of 5]

- however it's very useful and the information are wonderful . but it's quite boring in fact
- it's about how a adult should be . it's telling us to stop being children and start acting like the adults we are
- part of it is about the thin line between obeying your parents and just being their shadow

the Red flags of regression
* talking and talking without saying anything
* feeling that you don't have a choice
* minding other people's business
* not talking enough
* thinking that you know best
*asking childish questions

Causes of regression
1-physical causes
* exhaustion
* stress
* hunger

2-psychological causes
* loneliness
* shaming
* criticizing
* blaming
* preaching
* analyzing
* demeaning and demoralizing
* teaching
* too much or too little
Note ( don't let anyone do this to you )

- don't ever think you know what your partner wants .. ask him about it , give him or her the choice .... also don't expect them to know your needs ... they are not mind readers .. tell them what you want and how you want it

when you are regressed here is the things that can grow you back up
* attention
* empathy
* touch
* time * release


Empathy : is understanding what someone is going through because the empathizer has gone through similar experience himself

Sympathy : means you feel what another person is feeling
( empathy is good ,sympathy is bad :D )

"when we act like adults , we tell others how we feel and ask them what they feel we do not make statements about what they should feel , do or say"

Make sure you do an age check before you open your mouth

[Simba · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you’re trying to figure yourself out - why you are who you are and do the things you do - this is a book I’d recommend without hesitation.


I only discovered the idea of Regression from a podcast about relationships that I was listening to. It was referenced by the guest (I have since forgotten the podcast and guest) and I immediately went looking for it.


Regression is falling into 'past ways of perceiving, feeling, and thinking that make you unable to see all of the choices available to you in the present'. Essentially you become a child in adult situations.


I'm guilty of this so many times and likely will still be. But I started to put in the work to figure myself out, what I've inherited emotionally from my family and experiences. 


I haven't read many books on the subject as simply written and explained as this one.


Jump on it if you can.

[Ramona Mead · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended by my new therapist and I'm blown away by how relevant it is to my life. Through therapy I've learned how my childhood has affected my current self, but this is a totally new way of looking at it.

We all regress emotionally at different time for different reasons. I learned here what my triggers are and how to respond so that I don't regress. I appreciate the repetitive advice of choosing to act like an adult and not a child.

I will refer to this book again and again. I'm so glad it came into my life.

Highly recommend.

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! What I am learning from this book is essential to survival at work and will probably be a great tool for home too. The book proposes that the "high-test" scenarios we find ourselves in occur because something has happened to throw us back into defenseless (defensive) child-mode by reminding us of a time when we were unable to express our emotions honestly. After locking horns with my new manager and being threatened with termination, I now have the tools to divert or even avoid the interactions that lead to such threats. Based on this book, I have prepared a list of needs which I intend to present to my manager so he can understand my motivations and hopefully work with me instead of against me to meet those needs. I'm hoping to inspire the same in him so I know how to avoid pushing his buttons as well. Wish me luck!

If you have any dealings whatsoever with members of the human race, you must read this book!

[Catheryn · Rating 5 out of 5]

I learned the most vital lesson of being human: you get to make choices. That truth has made all the difference in my life and attitude. I wish so many people I know would understand that truth and grow-up. Whenever I hear someone say they don't have a choice in the matter I feel sorry for them as they are stuck in being children. My parents should read this book but I doubt they would choose to do so. They'd rather tune out and watch tv and let marketers make their choices for them. I chose, therefore, I am a grown up!

[Nichole · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! I'm a bit of a psychology nut and will read anything related to human behavior and this is a book I believe EVERYONE on the planet should read. Worst case, you'll think it's stupid and doesn't apply to you; best case, you'll find it insightful towards understanding why you do certain things, and eventually, why those closest to you act certain ways. With motivation, this book would be a first step towards changing our behaviors in order to produce better relationships with those around us, and inevitably, ourselves.

[Kurt Kirchhoff · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book is a must read to begin to understand how events in our childhood can affect sub-concouisly how we act, behave and communicate as an adult that can dramatically keep us from experiencing intimacy and value within our selves (self worth), our relationships with others with God. It will open your eyes and heart to how we were designed by God to have true intimate relationships but it is the hurts and trauma buried deep that keeps us from experiencing true joy and our original design of being truely relational.

[Mitch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. It helped me to understand a lot of things, such as why I feel the need to stay busy so often, and why people sometimes act the way they do. It also explains ways to grow out of the past. I will plan to read this again, because this is a lifelong thing to learn and takes practice.

[MrsEnginerd · Rating 5 out of 5]

Solid 4.5...

The book attempts to explain, very matter of factly, that regression is the main reason most people lose their cool or maturity when placed under stress - and that for those occasions in which the theory applies, we can avoid and/or overcome the tantrum or anxiety feelings to re-enter ourselves.

I've used the principle described in this book for over 25 years and it's been extremely useful for my personal and career development. Use the knowledge in conjunction with therapy or coaching for better results. Like any self help book, this one won't offer you a cure or a magical quick resolution to your particular issues, but it can definitely help get there faster.

Excellent read for those who have mom/dad issues or for those who have suffered at the hand of people that never challenged the status quo.

Enjoy!

[Kyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part of my recovery journey books. Serious material about regressions and how it affects all of us. I've already been using the suggestions in this book and it has made my life so much more free. Unfortunately, the people I know need to read this book will never touch it, but I can suggest it to those that may have regressed overbearing figures in their lives.
Children react, and adults respond. If you find yourself reacting, this book may save your peace.

[R. Maxwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Empowering, clear, and worthy of reading before, during, and after marriage! REALLY impactful if you and your significant other have your own copies, read just a few pages at a time and discuss what you've read. Share only what those pages brought up for yourself (hopefully your partner will do the same). The growth and understanding is tremendous!

[Roxana Irimia · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book that everyone should read in their lifetime.

"You and I will always regress from time to time, sometimes more than others, sometimes less. But there is grace in regression, because once we understand that we are engaged in a continual, deepening process of growing and maturing spiritually and emotionally, we can become more patient with ourselves and with others."

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received this book as part of an online book club. Overall, I felt the information presented was very helpful even though I know our religious views differ. Ultimately, regression stems from sin, but we often regress and are not even aware of it! After reading the book, I see ways that I have and do regress. How much different society would be if we all grew back up!

[Brett Gajda · Rating 3 out of 5]

First chapter was very insightful and informative. But everything after that just felt like taking more about that chapter, without a ton more value. This is one of those books that could have been an article. Or maybe a really interesting 50-page book. But in this format it was too little value per page for my liking.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished for the second time. This book is as good or better the second time through. I'd caught myself in regression and decided I needed a refresher. This gives such practical tips for reframing experiences and healing your broken parts.

[Dave · Rating 5 out of 5]

John is a master storyteller who holds himself to account and recognizes how men and women's emotional regression has relationships blow up over and over again.

The simplicity of ownership truly matters.

Enjoy the process.

[Molly Mundahl · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is dumb. Like such simple concepts like “yelling at your boss is bad and not a functional way to handle feelings.” DUH. I was hoping to have some sort of epiphany or learn something relatable but nope. I genuinely don’t know who would possibly gain any sort of insight from this book..

[Bradley J Fern · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gave me some new tools

Understanding regression is half the battle, and this book provides insight on triggers and a means for not staying there too long. Good relationship patterns be formed using techniques outlined in this book.

[Tim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every adult should be aware of age regression. The amount of things that get screwed because of people momentarily regressing, and the consequences of being unconscious to it, is staggering. This book is quick and easy to read and helpful.

[T · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book is a wonderful resource for clients and individuals who did not study counseling. I recommended it to my family, and they thoroughly enjoyed it. Although a wonderful book, I feel that it gets very repetitive and becomes tedious to read toward the end.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really loved premise of this book. Yet it's categories jumbled it's message for me. Still useful practices I found valuable for personal growth.

[David Kerrigan · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent guide to getting to the roots of emotional behaviours established unconsciously in childhood.

[Braxton Garms · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome

I learned what emotional regression was. I learned that everyone can regress. I learned about growing myself back up back to adulthood.

[Nikhil.S.N · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the very few books that are useful

Brings immediate realization and change in one's thinking and feeling. Very much unlike the many bogus self help books that one buys.

[Agatha Glowacki · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very wise, heard most of it before though

[Jeri · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this book! Good strategies that will help all of us!

[Karolin Zeif]

One of the many self-help books but has so many good points on emotional regression that I would recommend to read it (and rethink your reactions). :)

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Disappointingly basic common sense. Really there's got to be better books out about emotional regulation.

[Zach · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredibly simple idea that makes so much sense. Similar to over/under the line and doing "clearings".