Death and White Diamonds

by Jeff Markowitz

Did you ever have one of those days? You know the kind, when nothing seems to go right? Richie's girlfriend suggests a romantic getaway, promising him a week-end he will never forget. So why can't he remember what happened, when he finds her lifeless body on the beach? Richie is fairly certain he didn't kill his girlfriend, but his memory is hazy. One thing, however, is clear. When Lorraine's body is found, he's going to be the prime suspect in a murder investigation. If her body is found. Disposing of the body turns out to be harder than Richie could have imagined. Losing it, however, is easy. Did you ever have one of those days? And we haven't even gotten to the bad part yet.

Genres: Mystery

252 pages, Paperback

First published December 15, 2014

About the author

Jeff Markowitz (www.jeffmarkowitz.com) is the author of 6 mysteries, including the award-winning dark comedy, Death and White Diamonds. His new book, The Other, a dual-timeline historical, will be released November 5, 2024. Jeff spent more than 40 years creating community-based programs and services for children with autism, before retiring in 2018 to devote more time to writing. Jeff is Past President of the NY chapter of Mystery Writers of America.

Reviews

[Walt Giersbach · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do Not Go Laughing into That Dark Night

My journalism professor warned me decades ago, “Death is never funny.” And yet, Jeff Markowitz has published a merry-go-round of mayhem that made me laugh out loud — and then to look around nervously.

Death and White Diamonds is a murderous adventure, a police procedural, and a perverse love story wrapped in a well-thought-out plot. Richie Cunningham (not that Richie from Happy Days) is pulled unwittingly into a murder (self defense), a cover-up (the others got in the way), an embezzler boss (a sexual blackmailer), and a run-in with other hapless characters (a drug dealer and obnoxious young adult drunks). This is the sort of set-up that might have come from Elmore Leonard examining the psychology of life’s losers, but Markowitz pulls all the comedic stops. For example, I never knew what a chum cannon was until he described how it can shoot body parts out over the water to attract fish. Or that old-time mariners preserved their dead heroes in wine casks for the trip home.

These are not nice people, I might tell my journalism prof, but that really doesn’t excuse killing them. In fact, can a novel hang on a narrator and protagonist who tends to kill first and ask questions later? Markowitz brings it off, but it’s a challenging task worthy of a pro writer. He leavens that heavy dough with levity. The humor is wry although the situations almost beg plausibility. This is the stuff of Peter Sellers in the 1966 movie “The Wrong Box.” Bodies don’t simply get diced into hamburger, car-jacked, or stuffed into antique wine barrels filled with “Two Buck Chuck,” or do they? The bodies pile up in this rollicking story, but short chapters and succinct writing make it easy to read “just one more” before lights out at bedtime. It’s hard to put the book down even after two whiskeys, and then I go to sleep dreaming of bodies coming and going in the strangest ways.

I’ve become exceedingly fond of Markowitz since reading “Who’s Killing Doah’s Deer?” And I’m sure he has nice friends even though the people he writes about can be really scary because they’re somewhat inept. Crime doesn’t pay, unless you’re a writer like Jeff Markowitz.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Poor Richie. He doesn't seem like such a bad guy. He's a schlub, to be sure, a self-described wage slave looking to make ends meet, sometimes in ways that are more than a little unethical. But he isn't a murderer. Not by a long shot. So he's more than a little surprised to find himself holding a bloody knife, looking down on the body of his ... who is she? A girlfriend? A co-worker with benefits? No sense quibbling over details. Richie has a body to dispose of and a mystery to solve.

Poor Richie. He really isn't cut out for this sort of thing. In
a story about organized crime a guy named Guido might walk in at this point and say, "Don't worry, Richie, I'll make this go away." But Richie doesn't know anyone named Guido, nor does does he seem to know much about crime, either the organized kind or the haphazard kind. He's just a Quality Assurance Specialist for Global Co. And his life is about to get really complicated. And really messy.

That's the set-up for Jeff Markowitz's latest mystery novel. At this point I should mention that I know Jeff Markowitz, at least as much as one can get to know someone by reading their blog and occasionally commenting. I also know him as the writer of the Cassie O'Malley mystery stories. I enjoyed those books and happily recommend them to mystery fans, but I like Death and White Diamonds even more.

DaWD consists of dark comedy, some police procedural elements, some really bad luck, and a dose of cosmic karma. There is some violence and gore, some swearing and sex -- often handled with a comic touch.

I started this book in the wee hours of January 1, finally forcing myself to turn the lights out around 4 am. I wasn't sure if my frequent laughter could be heard by my family, but I didn't want to take the chance. I raced through the remainder of the book later that evening. I've had trouble concentrating on books in recent years, but that wasn't the case with this book. It kept my interest from start to finish.

If you're a fan of dark comedic crime novels this is a book well worth checking out. Will it hold up to a second reading? I intend to find out. And who knows? Maybe someday I'll get to see a movie version. Even though I know how it ends I think it would be a trip worth retaking.

[Rosa Sophia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Richie Cunningham is just a quality assurance specialist who works in an office day in and day out. So, there’s no way he’s a murderer. When he goes on a romantic weekend trip with his girlfriend, Lorraine, he discovers her body on the beach. He knows he didn’t kill her, but until he figures out how to prove his innocence, he has to do something with the body.

While following Richie as he laments over Lorraine’s passing, and tries to unravel what actually happened, the reader is introduced to a whole host of curious characters. Lizzy Rizzo captured this reviewer’s imagination, clad in her “faded housecoat and rollers”, when she heard the news of her husband Izzy’s death.

I enjoyed the interactions between Detective Johnson and Detective McGowan, who, until he suffers a head injury, is a completely unpleasant person. Detective Johnson finds himself mired in his last case before his retirement, while he tries to hide his aches, pains, and his age. The story itself is a whirlwind, and it’s impossible to resist becoming completely involved in the lives of the characters.

In Death and White Diamonds, nothing is as it seems. And although it appears as if Richie’s life couldn’t possibly get any worse, he loses Lorraine's body while trying to find a way to unravel the mystery of her death.

None of this made sense. Someone had murdered my girlfriend. And if that weren’t enough, someone had stolen her remains. And I was caught in the middle.

Despite numerous attempts to put the book down, I couldn’t stop reading Death and White Diamonds. It is fast-paced, intriguing, thrilling, and horrifying all at once. And you will never guess the ending. Jeff Markowitz has done it again. Death and White Diamonds is so good it should come with a warning label, because there’s no way you’ll be able to sleep until you reach the last page.

[Melissa Levine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I need to start by saying that I was unable to finish this story. With DNF's I tend to leave a 3-star no matter what.

Anyway, I always feel weird with DNF's when I see that other reviewers were able to finish and loved the story to boot. I think the biggest problem I had was the fact it was so unrealistic. Like the story is in a realistic setting with realistic people; there’s nothing supernatural or magical in any way happening in the story, yet the main character repeatedly does stuff that just doesn’t make sense, or is realistic. I just had a hard time getting past that. He doesn’t want the police to think he killed his girlfriend (even though they’re not really dating) but thinks it’s better to essentially destroy her body to hide it. What was with him tasting her blood exactly? Or masturbating to her corpse? Then one by one, he comes across people who might realize something weird is going on and decides to kill them too. Keep in mind, he’s not a killer though. Obviously, he has some mental health issues happening. While others might have thought that a great concept or whatever, I wasn’t one of them. I kept seeing comments relating to the story being funny. I would consider myself to have a pretty good sense of humor but the parts I listened to, I didn’t hear anything remotely funny.

There was some questionable writing, for example, “Lorraine was too much large.” Or when Richie was fighting the crone/old lady on the dock, the reader learns “I tried to smash her.” I don’t even know what that was in reference to. Or when Richie talked to Peg on the phone: “I’ll be out sick for a couple of three days at least.” Or when he put the barrel into his car, it said “He wrestles the barrels (plural) into the trunk…” He had only taken one barrel; the other three were delivered.

There was also a lot of repetition, again not a fan. For example, “I rolled it [barrel] over to the cellar door and bumped the BARREL step by step down the flight of STAIRS. I left the BARREL at the bottom of the STAIRS and stopped to catch my breath. I climbed the STAIRS and walked down the hall…” Or “I nudged the first BARREL onto its side and rolled the BARREL to the cellar door. Bumping the BARRELS down the stairs. It was hard maintaining control of the heavy oak BARREL.” There it went from singular to plural to singular again with the barrel/s and the narrator repeated those lines as well. This next line was just questionable and had me wondering if the author used it on purpose: “Even if the police find the bodies in the barrels in the basement of the beach house.”

Overall, I think the narrator did a pretty good job. I would recommend more practice though. While he did a variety of voices for the individual characters, the narrative part (telling the story) of being a narrator needs work, in my opinion. As in it was obvious he was reading and not just telling a story. Other than that, the pauses between the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next were way too long! There were issues with the volume randomly getting louder or quieter at times and then the overemphasis of certain words.

Questions/Comments:

The massage woman doesn’t really speak English except to say $40. Yet after his first massage, she does talk some. I can’t remember what it was she said, but it was in English, yet Richie doesn’t comment about that fact. Then after he gets his second massage, again he repeats how she doesn’t speak English.

So prior to John and his friend stealing Richie’s car, they were just out walking around…in the middle of the night…with beer…in the middle of nowhere? I had a hard time wrapping my brain around that scene.

What was with changing the POV from first person to third person when it went from Richie to John? I don’t really get why the author wouldn’t have stayed with first-person and just started the chapter with “Chapter… John.”

Why did Ed, the delivery guy, not wonder why Richie was walking around the beach house with the fire poker?


I received a free audiobook copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received this book for free. I am voluntarily leaving this review and all opinions expressed herein are mine.

Here, Richie wakes up on the beach next to the murdered body of the woman with whom he both works and has a sexual relationship. He cannot remember how this happened. He does not want to call the police for fear of being blamed so he starts a cover up.

Ok, in order to really enjoy this book - you have to drop the idea that what Richie does to cover up the death of his co-worker/sexual partner is plausible and knowing what he does to buy into him continually saying he is the victim. I don't want to divulge all that he does as this would create a spoiler for anyone interesting in reading this book but I will say, to begin with - Richie is completely at peace with dismembering and then grinding up the body. I really thought this was well written but I did not think that the extreme actions taken by the character as he was described were remotely credible - which for me, is necessary to enjoy the story.

I listened to this book - the narrator did a fine job.

[Emmy · Rating 2 out of 5]

•audiobook•
Content Warning should have reflected: Sex, Language, Violence
Only Violence was noted on AudiobookBoom

I usually avoid the trio of warnings ...and wouldn’t have asked for the audiobook to review had it been disclosed. Add to this our main Character, Richie tells his POV in first person, but we jump to third person with other characters. I know this is becoming a thing now, but I dislike it.

Whenever I could get past the things I disliked, I was able to chuckle and wonder how this would end.

Parts were disjointed. Like how he said the ferry was closed but then waited later that night to cross? Time sequence is out of sorts too. Maybe I’m looking for a cohesive story in a weird dark comedy horror book.

I had never heard of this author or narrator. It wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t my taste. Perhaps the tags for stories are for a good reason ...

[Roni Denholtz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a dark, humorous suspense, one-of-a-kind book. It's not precisely a mystery. The author did a good job of drawing me into the story though there were gritty parts. It was fast-paced.

[Shoshana Hathaway · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the best books with some of the nastiest main characters I’ve read in a long time. If you are looking for sympathetic characters, don’t look here! But the author tells the story from both sides, the criminals (and there a whole slew of them) and the police, and never misses a step. Watching the police untangle this snarl was the most enjoyable part of this book for me. The writing is very good, with the occasional stunning image or turn of phrase, and the characters are excellently developed, and stay true to type (the main character is essentially one of the most irresponsible, self-indulgent, self-absorbed characters who have ever had temporary residence in my mind, and when I finished the book, I felt like I needed a thorough mind cleansing. In other words, whatever you think of the characters, the author presented them in ways that worked, if only (thank all that’s wonderful) in fiction.

The narrator has a very pleasing reading voice, and gave a professional performance, though there were a few mispronunciations and at least one repeated phrase, so I hope that this fine small press gives more attention to the technical aspects of narration.

I received this book in exchange for this unbiased review via the kind courtesy of the publisher.

[Nina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished listening to Death and White Diamonds on Audible. This book was darkly delicious and very funny. There were many points where I laughed out loud. The story took many twists and turns, but eventually came to a very satisfactory resolution. I loved the voice. I loved the humor. I loved the over-the-top gruesomeness of some of the situations. I plan to read (or perhaps listen) to more of Markowitz's work in the very near future.

[Jack Getze · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's Richie. There's Lorraine. There's Lorraine's body. I'm not saying anything else about the plot because: although laughter is something you can count on when reading Jeff Markowitz, and so is odd violence and odder characters, the slow unraveling of his quirky and juicy mysteries are a pure delight. DEATH AND WHITE DIAMONDS may be his best yet. A well-written and very entertaining piece of work. I savored it.