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Apeshit
Clusterfuck
A bunch of douchebag frat boys get trapped in a cave with subterranean cannibal mutants and try to survive not by using their wits but by following the bro code . . .
From master of bizarro fiction Carlton Mellick III, author of the international cult hits Satan Burger and Adolf in Wonderland, comes a violent and hilarious B movie in book form. Set in the same woods as Mellick's splatterpunk satire Apeshit, Clusterfuck follows Trent Chesterton, alpha bro, who has come up with what he thinks is a flawless plan to get laid. He invites three hot chicks and his three best bros on a weekend of extreme cave diving in a remote area known as Turtle Mountain, hoping to impress the ladies with his expert caving skills.
But things don't quite go as Trent planned. For starters, only one of the three chicks turns out to be remotely hot and she has no interest in him for some inexplicable reason. Then he ends up looking like a total dumbass when everyone learns he's never actually gone caving in his entire life. And to top it all off, he's the one to get blamed once they find themselves lost and trapped deep underground with no way to turn back and no possible chance of rescue. What's a bro to do? Sure he could win some points if he actually tried to save the ladies from the family of unkillable subterranean cannibal mutants hunting them for their flesh, but fuck that. No slam piece is worth that amount of effort. He'd much rather just use them as bait so that he can save himself.
It's Tucker Max versus The Descent in this gore-filled comedy for the camp horror fan.
From master of bizarro fiction Carlton Mellick III, author of the international cult hits Satan Burger and Adolf in Wonderland, comes a violent and hilarious B movie in book form. Set in the same woods as Mellick's splatterpunk satire Apeshit, Clusterfuck follows Trent Chesterton, alpha bro, who has come up with what he thinks is a flawless plan to get laid. He invites three hot chicks and his three best bros on a weekend of extreme cave diving in a remote area known as Turtle Mountain, hoping to impress the ladies with his expert caving skills.
But things don't quite go as Trent planned. For starters, only one of the three chicks turns out to be remotely hot and she has no interest in him for some inexplicable reason. Then he ends up looking like a total dumbass when everyone learns he's never actually gone caving in his entire life. And to top it all off, he's the one to get blamed once they find themselves lost and trapped deep underground with no way to turn back and no possible chance of rescue. What's a bro to do? Sure he could win some points if he actually tried to save the ladies from the family of unkillable subterranean cannibal mutants hunting them for their flesh, but fuck that. No slam piece is worth that amount of effort. He'd much rather just use them as bait so that he can save himself.
It's Tucker Max versus The Descent in this gore-filled comedy for the camp horror fan.
245 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 1, 2013
10 people are currently reading
492 people want to read
About the author
Carlton Mellick III
119 books2,168 followersCarlton Mellick III (July 2, 1977, Phoenix, Arizona) is an American author currently residing in Portland, Oregon. He calls his style of writing "avant-punk," and is currently one of the leading authors in the recent 'Bizarro' movement in underground literature[citation needed] with Steve Aylett, Chris Genoa and D. Harlan Wilson.
Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.
Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.
He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.
In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.
In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.
Mellick's work has been described as a combination of trashy schlock sci-fi/horror and postmodern literary art. His novels explore surreal versions of earth in contemporary society and imagined futures, commonly focusing on social absurdities and satire.
Carlton Mellick III started writing at the age of ten and completed twelve novels by the age of eighteen. Only one of these early novels, "Electric Jesus Corpse", ever made it to print.
He is best known for his first novel Satan Burger and its sequel Punk Land. Satan Burger was translated into Russian and published by Ultra Culture in 2005. It was part of a four book series called Brave New World, which also featured Virtual Light by William Gibson, City Come A Walkin by John Shirley, and Tea from an Empty Cup by Pat Cadigan.
In the late 90's, he formed a collective for offbeat authors which included D. Harlan Wilson, Kevin L. Donihe, Vincent Sakowski, among others, and the publishing company Eraserhead Press. This scene evolved into the Bizarro fiction movement in 2005.
In addition to writing, Mellick is an artist and musician.
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August 3, 2022
Clusterfuck by Carlton Mellick III is excellent!
I had so much fun. This story is very well written and totally stupid. I loved it!
Most of the characters are the stereotype of idiotic frat boys. They decided to go caving in a dangerous place, where lots of crazy, extreme brutal things are going to happen to them.
This book is hilarious !! There’s Dean the most idiotic fictional character I have read. There are others unique characters too, but Dean is my favorite. I might be biased, because he has perfect pecs.😉 🤪 He made me laugh so much!!
If you are looking for a fun read with lots of extreme violence, weird things, with extreme dark humor, read Clusterfuck!
I had so much fun. This story is very well written and totally stupid. I loved it!
Most of the characters are the stereotype of idiotic frat boys. They decided to go caving in a dangerous place, where lots of crazy, extreme brutal things are going to happen to them.
This book is hilarious !! There’s Dean the most idiotic fictional character I have read. There are others unique characters too, but Dean is my favorite. I might be biased, because he has perfect pecs.😉 🤪 He made me laugh so much!!
If you are looking for a fun read with lots of extreme violence, weird things, with extreme dark humor, read Clusterfuck!
December 9, 2022
THE BRO CODE #76
A bro always has his bro's back, especially when being hunted by subterranean cannibal mutants.
A handful of frat boys and their "girlfriends" (aka glorified f*ck buddies) decide to go spelunking in a little known cave system hidden deep inside a mountain range. Despite having zero experience (aside from watching cave-crawling documentaries on pay TV that is), the group's lack of know-how doesn't deter them. Their supreme confidence and extreme (Dean!) nature for living life to the fullest is all the knowledge they need to conquer the depths of the unknown - who knows, maybe they'll get famous after discovering a new cave dwelling species or something?
Yeah...no.
Clusterfuck is... well.. awesome.
There, I said it. Much like Apeshit before it, Clusterfuck has loads of over the top horror in the most macabre way, but somehow author Carlton Mellick III just makes it work...Sure, having a character who loves to bake her own faeces (and other bodily fluid) into cookies and meat pies for her friends is gross but somehow Mellick weaves this into the story so well that it actually feels natural (I kinda threw up in my mouth a little after writing that but it's the truth).
Strange baking techniques aside, Clusterfuck has similar survival horror themes to other cave dwelling horrors like Hell-O-Ween; a group of characters get stuck in a cave and have to survive an onslaught of horror troupes until day break. Unfortunately for these characters in Mellick's world, they're unable to leave the cave, even after besting their horrible foes...(read Apeshit, Clusterfuck's spiritual prequel, it'll all make sense).
To spice things up a little, one of the female characters has a hidden talent...turning into a jaguar when angry...who would've thought? Not the cave dwelling mutant/cannibals that's for sure! There's a lot to take in here, but, as mentioned earlier, it somehow fits the narrative perfectly.
Call it bizzaro. Call it splatterpunk, call it extreme horror. Whatever suits your fancy, Clusterfuck is pure, unadulterated fun. Read it, don't take it seriously, and have a blast!
This review also appears on my website: https://justaguywholikes2read.blogspo...
A bro always has his bro's back, especially when being hunted by subterranean cannibal mutants.
A handful of frat boys and their "girlfriends" (aka glorified f*ck buddies) decide to go spelunking in a little known cave system hidden deep inside a mountain range. Despite having zero experience (aside from watching cave-crawling documentaries on pay TV that is), the group's lack of know-how doesn't deter them. Their supreme confidence and extreme (Dean!) nature for living life to the fullest is all the knowledge they need to conquer the depths of the unknown - who knows, maybe they'll get famous after discovering a new cave dwelling species or something?
Yeah...no.
Clusterfuck is... well.. awesome.
There, I said it. Much like Apeshit before it, Clusterfuck has loads of over the top horror in the most macabre way, but somehow author Carlton Mellick III just makes it work...Sure, having a character who loves to bake her own faeces (and other bodily fluid) into cookies and meat pies for her friends is gross but somehow Mellick weaves this into the story so well that it actually feels natural (I kinda threw up in my mouth a little after writing that but it's the truth).
Strange baking techniques aside, Clusterfuck has similar survival horror themes to other cave dwelling horrors like Hell-O-Ween; a group of characters get stuck in a cave and have to survive an onslaught of horror troupes until day break. Unfortunately for these characters in Mellick's world, they're unable to leave the cave, even after besting their horrible foes...(read Apeshit, Clusterfuck's spiritual prequel, it'll all make sense).
To spice things up a little, one of the female characters has a hidden talent...turning into a jaguar when angry...who would've thought? Not the cave dwelling mutant/cannibals that's for sure! There's a lot to take in here, but, as mentioned earlier, it somehow fits the narrative perfectly.
Call it bizzaro. Call it splatterpunk, call it extreme horror. Whatever suits your fancy, Clusterfuck is pure, unadulterated fun. Read it, don't take it seriously, and have a blast!
This review also appears on my website: https://justaguywholikes2read.blogspo...
January 1, 2014
Amazon can use profanity, but I can't.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that Carlton has written a follow up to his well received 'Apesh*t' novel about thrill seeking teenagers up on Turtle Mountain, where the undying live on. Carlton spices things up by adding killer albino hogs, ghost children and mine-dwelling mutants with drills and shovels as their primary arsenal.
There is no better place for self destructive human beings to get fucked up than in the forests and caves of Turtle Mountain, where nothing dies, even when it's sliced to pieces. They can be as self destructive as they wish without rescinding their mortality cards.
All the quirks that made Apesh*t such a success are still here in refreshing new ways. There's the main character, Dean, who lactates when he's nervous. He's the successor to Rick from the first novel, who underwent a sex change so he could be a man with a vagina.
There's Trent, the nihilist presence of the book, who believes in attaining one's desires at all costs. He follows in the wake of Jason from Apesh*t, who regarded everything with a blend of fear and hatred.
There's 'Giant Gonzales', the scorned female outcast who plays a role similar to Desdemona from the last run around.
The two Turtle Mountain books, at their best, encapsulate what we love about horror movies: the thrill of seeing new images, new ways of compromising the human anatomy. It also doesn't hurt that Carlton is extremely adept at creating characters with questionable physical characteristics without sacrificing whatever personal depth they might have as individuals.
According to the foreword, this was written as a means to try and understand the poor, misunderstood frat boy. Thankfully, Carlton makes them all suffer horribly for who and what they are. I just wonder where else he could take this strange series next: underwater? I feel like there are still some unexplained properties that make Turtle Mountain the cursed ground it is. Carlton uses alchemy to explain it to an extent, but I would love to see a conclusion that pits the survivors of Apesh*t against the survivors of Clusterf**k.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. What does matter is that Carlton has written a follow up to his well received 'Apesh*t' novel about thrill seeking teenagers up on Turtle Mountain, where the undying live on. Carlton spices things up by adding killer albino hogs, ghost children and mine-dwelling mutants with drills and shovels as their primary arsenal.
There is no better place for self destructive human beings to get fucked up than in the forests and caves of Turtle Mountain, where nothing dies, even when it's sliced to pieces. They can be as self destructive as they wish without rescinding their mortality cards.
All the quirks that made Apesh*t such a success are still here in refreshing new ways. There's the main character, Dean, who lactates when he's nervous. He's the successor to Rick from the first novel, who underwent a sex change so he could be a man with a vagina.
There's Trent, the nihilist presence of the book, who believes in attaining one's desires at all costs. He follows in the wake of Jason from Apesh*t, who regarded everything with a blend of fear and hatred.
There's 'Giant Gonzales', the scorned female outcast who plays a role similar to Desdemona from the last run around.
The two Turtle Mountain books, at their best, encapsulate what we love about horror movies: the thrill of seeing new images, new ways of compromising the human anatomy. It also doesn't hurt that Carlton is extremely adept at creating characters with questionable physical characteristics without sacrificing whatever personal depth they might have as individuals.
According to the foreword, this was written as a means to try and understand the poor, misunderstood frat boy. Thankfully, Carlton makes them all suffer horribly for who and what they are. I just wonder where else he could take this strange series next: underwater? I feel like there are still some unexplained properties that make Turtle Mountain the cursed ground it is. Carlton uses alchemy to explain it to an extent, but I would love to see a conclusion that pits the survivors of Apesh*t against the survivors of Clusterf**k.
February 15, 2016
Sick, twisted fun. That's all you need to know.
November 5, 2014
Another amazing horror book from CM3, "Clusterfuck" is a sequel to "Apeshit" (so annoying you can cuss on an Amazon review especially when it's the title of the book!) My favorite part of this book were the monsters. Everything awesome that happens before that is just buildup to the insane, trippy, creepy mutants you would never want to see in real life.
These are creatures that need to become action figures or future characters in Silent Hill. The trippy messed up creatures that appear in this book and also the way the screwed up "magic" or curse of what happens to the characters, are incredible. CM3's imagination is truly mind-blowing.
I knew as soon "Extreme Dean" was introduced that I would eventually end up liking his character even though he's annoying as hell. Think Stifler from American Pie meets a Mountain Dew commercial. Totally a douche but I ended up actually caring about him in the end. The back stories of Selena and "Giant Gonzales" were also fun to read.
Set in a cave, with a horror back story that is connected to "Apeshit" you will not be able to put this book down. A fun read from one of the most talented authors!
These are creatures that need to become action figures or future characters in Silent Hill. The trippy messed up creatures that appear in this book and also the way the screwed up "magic" or curse of what happens to the characters, are incredible. CM3's imagination is truly mind-blowing.
I knew as soon "Extreme Dean" was introduced that I would eventually end up liking his character even though he's annoying as hell. Think Stifler from American Pie meets a Mountain Dew commercial. Totally a douche but I ended up actually caring about him in the end. The back stories of Selena and "Giant Gonzales" were also fun to read.
Set in a cave, with a horror back story that is connected to "Apeshit" you will not be able to put this book down. A fun read from one of the most talented authors!
January 11, 2018
I should have known the 5-star run wasn’t likely to last longer than two books. But I was holding out hope. And the start to this book was actually pretty funny with a couple of great sequences: the frat idiot getting stuck in a narrowing crevice in the cave and the other frat moron trying to cross the ceiling of the cavern. Both were well written and created a great narrative and tension. Thereafter it turned into a novel reminiscent of the name of the book. The writing became stagnant and crude. The story became cornier, insipid, and just plain stupid. I struggled mightily to get through the last 40 pages it was just so dumb. I actually liked the equally moronic, Apeshit, more. But honestly your existence won’t suffer at all if you read neither.
October 21, 2016
MOST EXTREME BIZARRO BOOK THERE IS!!!! EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 18, 2014
I was floored by Apeshit when I read it a couple of years ago. Apeshit is probably my favorite Bizarro book, and I had heard rumors there would be a sequel. I thought there was no way Mellick could top Apeshit and whether he did or didn't with Clusterfuck is debatable, but I do beyond a doubt think Clusterfuck had much better characters and the story moved white-knuckle-fast!
What was interesting about the characterization is we're dealing with despicable, shallow, date-raping, beer chugging, frat boys and sorostitutes, that normally we'd actually cheer to be killed by subterranean mutants, but Mellick adds enough endearment and humanity (or inhumanity in a couple of Were-cases)to these characters that we actually want to see them make it.
Our hero, is every stereotype of frat-parasite rolled into one extreme douchebag, but he's so lovable, with his views and catchphrases, it would be heartbreaking to see him go... I won't give too much away, the back stories of these characters were personally my favorite part. HINT: One's a were-cheetah...yeah, read Clusterfuck.
A gory, fun, and horrifically Bizarro good time...TO THE EXTREME!
What was interesting about the characterization is we're dealing with despicable, shallow, date-raping, beer chugging, frat boys and sorostitutes, that normally we'd actually cheer to be killed by subterranean mutants, but Mellick adds enough endearment and humanity (or inhumanity in a couple of Were-cases)to these characters that we actually want to see them make it.
Our hero, is every stereotype of frat-parasite rolled into one extreme douchebag, but he's so lovable, with his views and catchphrases, it would be heartbreaking to see him go... I won't give too much away, the back stories of these characters were personally my favorite part. HINT: One's a were-cheetah...yeah, read Clusterfuck.
A gory, fun, and horrifically Bizarro good time...TO THE EXTREME!
April 3, 2024
This was my third book by CM3 and it definitely delivered as my current favorite of his! It takes place in the same location (Turtle Mountain) as Apeshit, with different spin-off style characters.
For me, Clusterfuck is great camp-horror fun. I just kept visualizing this goofy, idiotic book as an awesome movie. It was full of imagination, solid character development with backstories, a great location (caves are spooky!), and tons of off-the-wall nonsense that makes you laugh and go, “that’s weird as fuck.” I couldn’t put this one down, it was captivating.
Mellick always knows how to incorporate your normal, everyday people— and then turns them into freaks within a few pages. Whether they have an extremely dark past, a disgusting secret or fetish, mutilated body parts, or you know, maybe sacrificed to be Satan’s wife as a child— Mellick finds a way to toss that in there like typical information. I find it to be hilarious! I think that is part of what makes these books so great.
If you’re into cave mutants and the complete mangling of a bunch of college kids, then this is your next book. I highly recommend for anyone who enjoys bizarre, comedic horror.
For me, Clusterfuck is great camp-horror fun. I just kept visualizing this goofy, idiotic book as an awesome movie. It was full of imagination, solid character development with backstories, a great location (caves are spooky!), and tons of off-the-wall nonsense that makes you laugh and go, “that’s weird as fuck.” I couldn’t put this one down, it was captivating.
Mellick always knows how to incorporate your normal, everyday people— and then turns them into freaks within a few pages. Whether they have an extremely dark past, a disgusting secret or fetish, mutilated body parts, or you know, maybe sacrificed to be Satan’s wife as a child— Mellick finds a way to toss that in there like typical information. I find it to be hilarious! I think that is part of what makes these books so great.
If you’re into cave mutants and the complete mangling of a bunch of college kids, then this is your next book. I highly recommend for anyone who enjoys bizarre, comedic horror.
May 11, 2020
Ok, so like the Stefon GIF above indicates, this book has EVERYTHING: fratty bros, extreme caving trip, scares, sex, gore, mutants, a man with multiple heads in his chest cavity, a werejaguar, a big wrestler turned Satanist, a girl who uses her own "ingredients" in cookies for her friends (i.e. feces, bulimia vomit, ejaculate, etc...), a man with breasts that lactate, and so much more.
Carlton Mellick has done it once again and this book is SO wild! 5 easy stars for sheer creativity and execution of all the best features and qualities in a bizarro horror story!
April 7, 2025
A group of ridiculous frat boys and their girls go spelunking in a cave. Showing off as “experts”, the bros don’t expect anything bad or terrible to happen. But of course anything that can go wrong, does go wrong. They get lost, lose their supplies, continuously wander deeper and deeper and come across a clan of murderous, mutant-like people living down there. And to top it all off, the mountain has a supernatural element making it nearly impossible to die. Is there even any hope for escape?
The whole “can’t die” aspect of the book is so compelling and entertaining. Imagine impaling somebody 50 times and them not dying, just slowly getting torn to shreds. Or a decapitated head still moving their lips and eyes. Or organs hanging out of a body that’s torn open and still somehow alive. It’s just so creepy and terrifying and I love it.
Let’s meet our characters. Dean is frickin dumb and hilarious TO THE EXTREME BRO! Trent is the classic alpha mega dick. Gravy is the best friend hype man. Lauren is an obsessive psycho. Lance was kinda the wuss of the group and I felt bad for him the whole time. Selena and Marta are sisters and badasses in their own right. Put them all together and you have a lot of funny interactions throughout the book.
The atmosphere was amazing. The claustrophobia of the cave was palpable. The frustration and idiocy of the characters was totally entertaining. I didn’t really feel bad for any of them since they all agreed to listen and believe these alpha bros that they knew what they were doing when they obviously had no idea.
You do not NEED to read the first book to enjoy this book. But I will say both books are very different and you should still read the first book (Apeshit) because it’s an awesome book.
I very much enjoyed this book. You get more backstory of the mountain and the whole immortal plot which was interesting. You see the creatures, their acts and movements more vividly and even get their POV a little bit. I also found it more creative and funnier than Apeshit. Both books are great in their own different ways and I can’t wait to finish the trilogy with Apeship!
Had a blast reading this with @ireadhorror_ and I have a feeling the next one will be just as good!
The whole “can’t die” aspect of the book is so compelling and entertaining. Imagine impaling somebody 50 times and them not dying, just slowly getting torn to shreds. Or a decapitated head still moving their lips and eyes. Or organs hanging out of a body that’s torn open and still somehow alive. It’s just so creepy and terrifying and I love it.
Let’s meet our characters. Dean is frickin dumb and hilarious TO THE EXTREME BRO! Trent is the classic alpha mega dick. Gravy is the best friend hype man. Lauren is an obsessive psycho. Lance was kinda the wuss of the group and I felt bad for him the whole time. Selena and Marta are sisters and badasses in their own right. Put them all together and you have a lot of funny interactions throughout the book.
The atmosphere was amazing. The claustrophobia of the cave was palpable. The frustration and idiocy of the characters was totally entertaining. I didn’t really feel bad for any of them since they all agreed to listen and believe these alpha bros that they knew what they were doing when they obviously had no idea.
You do not NEED to read the first book to enjoy this book. But I will say both books are very different and you should still read the first book (Apeshit) because it’s an awesome book.
I very much enjoyed this book. You get more backstory of the mountain and the whole immortal plot which was interesting. You see the creatures, their acts and movements more vividly and even get their POV a little bit. I also found it more creative and funnier than Apeshit. Both books are great in their own different ways and I can’t wait to finish the trilogy with Apeship!
Had a blast reading this with @ireadhorror_ and I have a feeling the next one will be just as good!
July 23, 2025
A bunch of fratboys, armed with a case of beers, go caving and come across cannibal mutants that eventually, sorry for the spoiler, hack them all to pieces. My first foray into bizarro fiction and possibly one of the silliest and most outrageous things I’ve ever come across.
January 3, 2014
Carlton Mellick III
This book is an extreme horror story about a small group of frat brothers from Sigma Alpha Epsilon that adjudicate to spend the night in an unexplored deserted cave. The "Bros" convince several dorm girls to accompany the trip for entertainment purposes only, and once the party arrives at their destination, the madness begins. Throwing caution to the wind, the group enters to explore the vast integral cavern and attempt to create untouched discoveries. The purpose of the mission stems from a folk lore myth involving alchemists attempting to discover a chemical recipe for immortality, a belief that there existed a powerful mineral inside the mountain which was the key component. Once found, disaster struck and the whole town was swallowed by the ground never to be heard from again. The band of present spelunkers soon find themselves in jeopardy and must rely on odd strengths each behold, such as a nice middle-class girl who happened to be raised by satanists. A common household occurrence for her would include completing homework, brushing her teeth for bed, and sacrificing Mr. Floppy Ears to the Dark Lord. Who would have thought having connections to Satan would come in handy.
Carlton Mellick's gore filled creation pops with gaudy colorful characters such as Extreme Dean, whose only concern is himself and how he can transmit to others how awesome he is. Or Lauren, whose obsession is to cook for people, yet wanting her food to be special, personal, and more intimate than any other. To achieve this goal she includes a piece of herself in every dish created, such as sweat, blood, spit, and of course feces. An explained required skill is introduced to the reader to mask favors of urine and vomit in the way only Carlton Mellick's mind can produce.
The unusual balance of horror and comedy conceived by Mellick lead to a non stop imaginative storytelling that the reader won't forget. Descriptions of confined crawl spaces and small cave entrances are bound to cause feelings of tense claustrophobia throughout. The reader will be educated and entertained by rules and regulations Mellick includes in each chapter called Bro Codes. Such as Bro Code #76 - A bro always has his bros back, especially when being hunted by subterranean cannibal mutants, or, Bro Code #145 - A bro never touches another bro's muscle no matter how impressive. Along with these amusing surprises, a bonus section that is a self drawn comic strip by the author is included in place of the usual afterword. These are wonderful discoveries waiting to be explored, lead by the captain in the genre of Bizarro Fiction.
This book is an extreme horror story about a small group of frat brothers from Sigma Alpha Epsilon that adjudicate to spend the night in an unexplored deserted cave. The "Bros" convince several dorm girls to accompany the trip for entertainment purposes only, and once the party arrives at their destination, the madness begins. Throwing caution to the wind, the group enters to explore the vast integral cavern and attempt to create untouched discoveries. The purpose of the mission stems from a folk lore myth involving alchemists attempting to discover a chemical recipe for immortality, a belief that there existed a powerful mineral inside the mountain which was the key component. Once found, disaster struck and the whole town was swallowed by the ground never to be heard from again. The band of present spelunkers soon find themselves in jeopardy and must rely on odd strengths each behold, such as a nice middle-class girl who happened to be raised by satanists. A common household occurrence for her would include completing homework, brushing her teeth for bed, and sacrificing Mr. Floppy Ears to the Dark Lord. Who would have thought having connections to Satan would come in handy.
Carlton Mellick's gore filled creation pops with gaudy colorful characters such as Extreme Dean, whose only concern is himself and how he can transmit to others how awesome he is. Or Lauren, whose obsession is to cook for people, yet wanting her food to be special, personal, and more intimate than any other. To achieve this goal she includes a piece of herself in every dish created, such as sweat, blood, spit, and of course feces. An explained required skill is introduced to the reader to mask favors of urine and vomit in the way only Carlton Mellick's mind can produce.
The unusual balance of horror and comedy conceived by Mellick lead to a non stop imaginative storytelling that the reader won't forget. Descriptions of confined crawl spaces and small cave entrances are bound to cause feelings of tense claustrophobia throughout. The reader will be educated and entertained by rules and regulations Mellick includes in each chapter called Bro Codes. Such as Bro Code #76 - A bro always has his bros back, especially when being hunted by subterranean cannibal mutants, or, Bro Code #145 - A bro never touches another bro's muscle no matter how impressive. Along with these amusing surprises, a bonus section that is a self drawn comic strip by the author is included in place of the usual afterword. These are wonderful discoveries waiting to be explored, lead by the captain in the genre of Bizarro Fiction.
June 17, 2014
From the Description:
A bunch of douchebag frat boys get trapped in a cave with subterranean cannibal mutants and try to survive not by using their wits but by following the bro code . . .
From master of bizarro fiction Carlton Mellick III, author of the international cult hits Satan Burger and Adolf in Wonderland, comes a violent and hilarious B movie in book form. Set in the same woods as Mellick's splatterpunk satire Apeshit, Clusterfuck follows Trent Chesterton, alpha bro, who has come up with what he thinks is a flawless plan to get laid. He invites three hot chicks and his three best bros on a weekend of extreme cave diving in a remote area known as Turtle Mountain, hoping to impress the ladies with his expert caving skills.
But things don't quite go as Trent planned. For starters, only one of the three chicks turns out to be remotely hot and she has no interest in him for some inexplicable reason. Then he ends up looking like a total dumbass when everyone learns he's never actually gone caving in his entire life. And to top it all off, he's the one to get blamed once they find themselves lost and trapped deep underground with no way to turn back and no possible chance of rescue. What's a bro to do? Sure he could win some points if he actually tried to save the ladies from the family of unkillable subterranean cannibal mutants hunting them for their flesh, but fuck that. No slam piece is worth that amount of effort. He'd much rather just use them as bait so that he can save himself.
It's Tucker Max versus The Descent in this gore-filled comedy for the camp horror fan.
Clusterfuck is a perverse, gross, gory and fun filled B-movie in book form. While I didn't enjoy it as much as Apeshit, it was still full of cringe worthy fun. Not for children or the easily offended!! The characters are over the top and you really enjoy seeing them get messed up by the bro code. You also find out why you shouldn't trust everyones cooking, lol. A fun bit of fluff! grab a puke bag and enjoy this irreverent 4 star read.
A bunch of douchebag frat boys get trapped in a cave with subterranean cannibal mutants and try to survive not by using their wits but by following the bro code . . .
From master of bizarro fiction Carlton Mellick III, author of the international cult hits Satan Burger and Adolf in Wonderland, comes a violent and hilarious B movie in book form. Set in the same woods as Mellick's splatterpunk satire Apeshit, Clusterfuck follows Trent Chesterton, alpha bro, who has come up with what he thinks is a flawless plan to get laid. He invites three hot chicks and his three best bros on a weekend of extreme cave diving in a remote area known as Turtle Mountain, hoping to impress the ladies with his expert caving skills.
But things don't quite go as Trent planned. For starters, only one of the three chicks turns out to be remotely hot and she has no interest in him for some inexplicable reason. Then he ends up looking like a total dumbass when everyone learns he's never actually gone caving in his entire life. And to top it all off, he's the one to get blamed once they find themselves lost and trapped deep underground with no way to turn back and no possible chance of rescue. What's a bro to do? Sure he could win some points if he actually tried to save the ladies from the family of unkillable subterranean cannibal mutants hunting them for their flesh, but fuck that. No slam piece is worth that amount of effort. He'd much rather just use them as bait so that he can save himself.
It's Tucker Max versus The Descent in this gore-filled comedy for the camp horror fan.
Clusterfuck is a perverse, gross, gory and fun filled B-movie in book form. While I didn't enjoy it as much as Apeshit, it was still full of cringe worthy fun. Not for children or the easily offended!! The characters are over the top and you really enjoy seeing them get messed up by the bro code. You also find out why you shouldn't trust everyones cooking, lol. A fun bit of fluff! grab a puke bag and enjoy this irreverent 4 star read.
March 1, 2015
Ok ok, I know. The title of this book is definitely something you wouldn't bring up at a family dinner. And that cover? Well it's pretty close to being NSFW. But you know what? Who cares? "Clusterfuck" was totally ridiculous, totally stupid, and totally hilarious.
Then again, it is Carlton Mellick were reading here. I don't know where the guy comes up with his wild and weird and crazy ideas, but somehow, after 20+ books, he keeps pumping out new, even more insane things for the bizzaro genre. I've read 5 or 6 of his previous books and while they range from the so-so ("war slut") to the epic ("the wasteland trilogy"), "clusterfuck" ranks up there among his best.
Afterall, this is a pseudo-sequel to "apeshit" which in and of itself was stupidly fun. Only this time, everything is even more over-the-top, more gruesome, more nuts. I mean, can you really go wrong with a bunch of college douche bags getting torn apart by immortal cave dwelling mutants? The cliches are endless and Mellick must have done his homework researching frat boys because it was spot on. And even worse, he somehow made me like Extreme Dean, the most douchey character of all!
Sometime books don't have to be serious, or even remotely so. Sometime books can be just for gory, laughable fun. "clusterfuck" is just that kind of book. I applaud you Mr. Mellick. Bravo sir. Bravo!
Then again, it is Carlton Mellick were reading here. I don't know where the guy comes up with his wild and weird and crazy ideas, but somehow, after 20+ books, he keeps pumping out new, even more insane things for the bizzaro genre. I've read 5 or 6 of his previous books and while they range from the so-so ("war slut") to the epic ("the wasteland trilogy"), "clusterfuck" ranks up there among his best.
Afterall, this is a pseudo-sequel to "apeshit" which in and of itself was stupidly fun. Only this time, everything is even more over-the-top, more gruesome, more nuts. I mean, can you really go wrong with a bunch of college douche bags getting torn apart by immortal cave dwelling mutants? The cliches are endless and Mellick must have done his homework researching frat boys because it was spot on. And even worse, he somehow made me like Extreme Dean, the most douchey character of all!
Sometime books don't have to be serious, or even remotely so. Sometime books can be just for gory, laughable fun. "clusterfuck" is just that kind of book. I applaud you Mr. Mellick. Bravo sir. Bravo!
October 29, 2013
Clusterfuck is a follow-up to Apeshit but its not a sequel in the true sense of the word. CM3 returns to the campy horror movie genre but this time with different characters in a different setting. A group of obnoxious frat guys and clueless girls go spelunking and of course they ignore all the warning signs from the very beginning. Their journey is their final demise when they encounter supernatural mutants living deep inside the caves. Blood and guts abound in gruesome scenes of life or death with an occasional laugh thrown around. Reading this book is like watching a teen slasher movie for the mindless fun - have low expectations and you could just be entertained momentarily.
August 1, 2019
I don't know that I have the vocabulary and articulation skills needed to properly review this book. It was a quick read, with great characters and vivid settings. The story? When spelunking goes wrong in every way, shape, and form. Outrageous. Revolting. Cringe-worthy gore. Bro code attitude. Humorous and thoroughly entertaining. I could see Sam Raimi directing the film.
Read
May 7, 2014This book will be reviewed on the next episode of Books, Beer and Bullshit Podcast. A full written review well be available after the episode is released.
Visit http://booksbeerbullshit.podbean.com to listen to other entertaining book reviews and such.
Visit http://booksbeerbullshit.podbean.com to listen to other entertaining book reviews and such.
April 22, 2023
Preamble
Carlton Mellick III has done it again, folks. We've got another wild ride through the Bizarro world with Clusterfuck, a pseudo sequel to Mellick's book Apeshit. If you thought Apeshit was a rollercoaster, just wait until you dive into this one. Buckle up, because this book is absolutely bonkers, but hey, that's what we're here for, right? So, without further ado, let's get into this.
A note about my reviews: You know the drill by now - I'm an appreciator, not a critic. I'm here for the fun, the absurdity, and the sheer joy of reading. If I'm entertained, then it's a job well done. So, you can trust that I'll be honest in my opinions, but also keep things light and, well, appreciative.
Review - 5/5
Clusterfuck follows the misguided adventures of a group of fraternity brothers, who, along with a trio of women, embark on an illegal caving expedition. The characters are caricatures of frat boys, with names like 'Extreme' Dean, Gravy the stoner, and the selfish Trent. Lance, the more intelligent of the bunch, gets dragged along for the ride, which features copious amounts of Natty Ice beer. The alcohol abuse in this story reminded me of my salad days as an undergraduate at university, but obviously, I never hit the extreme insanity of these frat brothers.
The inciting event for the carnage in Clusterfuck is, unsurprisingly, brought about by the exceedingly despicable Trent. In an apotheosis of selfish murderous douchebaggery, he ends up killing a bunch of the cult's children, to the extent that the undead can be killed (think the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail), which in turn causes the cult to seek bloody payback from the moronic frat boys. The tension and chaos that follows make for a thrilling, blood-soaked adventure.
The three women accompanying the frat boys on their ill-advised expedition are no mere damsels in distress. Selena, Marta, and Lauren all have their own intriguing backstories, including some bizarre adoption stories that add an extra layer of mystery to the narrative.
Marta, in particular, is a standout character. Teased mercilessly by the frat boys for her size and nicknamed Giant Gonzales after a professional wrestler, she proves to be an asset in the fight against the undead freaks. Even one of the frat brothers who initially taunts her ends up developing a sexual desire for her after she simulates raping him in a fit of rage triggered by his relentless teasing.
Mellick manages to pack this story with twists and turns that keep readers on the edge of their seats. From the revelation of Selena's true nature as a were-jaguar to the poetic justice served to the despicable Trent, Clusterfuck delivers on all fronts, providing a wildly entertaining, bizarre, and downright twisted read.
So, if you're a fan of Apeshit or just looking for a riveting, absurd, and delightfully macabre story, Clusterfuck is definitely worth checking out. Just make sure you've got a strong stomach and a penchant for the absurd - this one's not for the faint of heart.
Carlton Mellick III has done it again, folks. We've got another wild ride through the Bizarro world with Clusterfuck, a pseudo sequel to Mellick's book Apeshit. If you thought Apeshit was a rollercoaster, just wait until you dive into this one. Buckle up, because this book is absolutely bonkers, but hey, that's what we're here for, right? So, without further ado, let's get into this.
A note about my reviews: You know the drill by now - I'm an appreciator, not a critic. I'm here for the fun, the absurdity, and the sheer joy of reading. If I'm entertained, then it's a job well done. So, you can trust that I'll be honest in my opinions, but also keep things light and, well, appreciative.
Review - 5/5
Clusterfuck follows the misguided adventures of a group of fraternity brothers, who, along with a trio of women, embark on an illegal caving expedition. The characters are caricatures of frat boys, with names like 'Extreme' Dean, Gravy the stoner, and the selfish Trent. Lance, the more intelligent of the bunch, gets dragged along for the ride, which features copious amounts of Natty Ice beer. The alcohol abuse in this story reminded me of my salad days as an undergraduate at university, but obviously, I never hit the extreme insanity of these frat brothers.
The inciting event for the carnage in Clusterfuck is, unsurprisingly, brought about by the exceedingly despicable Trent. In an apotheosis of selfish murderous douchebaggery, he ends up killing a bunch of the cult's children, to the extent that the undead can be killed (think the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail), which in turn causes the cult to seek bloody payback from the moronic frat boys. The tension and chaos that follows make for a thrilling, blood-soaked adventure.
The three women accompanying the frat boys on their ill-advised expedition are no mere damsels in distress. Selena, Marta, and Lauren all have their own intriguing backstories, including some bizarre adoption stories that add an extra layer of mystery to the narrative.
Marta, in particular, is a standout character. Teased mercilessly by the frat boys for her size and nicknamed Giant Gonzales after a professional wrestler, she proves to be an asset in the fight against the undead freaks. Even one of the frat brothers who initially taunts her ends up developing a sexual desire for her after she simulates raping him in a fit of rage triggered by his relentless teasing.
Mellick manages to pack this story with twists and turns that keep readers on the edge of their seats. From the revelation of Selena's true nature as a were-jaguar to the poetic justice served to the despicable Trent, Clusterfuck delivers on all fronts, providing a wildly entertaining, bizarre, and downright twisted read.
So, if you're a fan of Apeshit or just looking for a riveting, absurd, and delightfully macabre story, Clusterfuck is definitely worth checking out. Just make sure you've got a strong stomach and a penchant for the absurd - this one's not for the faint of heart.
September 2, 2018
Carlton Mellick III takes a harrowing survival horror situation and then spins it wildly out of control, subverting expectations as it goes. It's purposefully stupid, gleefully gory, and crazily perverted. The plot is straightforward until about midway when a simple discovery is made and from there all bets are off. If Uwe Boll didn't purposefully sabotage his own movies to make money, this is the kind of gold we could be getting from him. While the frat stereotypes heavily date the book, it doesn't necessarily stop the book from being enjoyable - just a bit cringe inducing.
Mr. Mellick is now two for two with me - although I prefer Zombies and Shit more, this was brain rotting filth right here and I loved every page of it.
Mr. Mellick is now two for two with me - although I prefer Zombies and Shit more, this was brain rotting filth right here and I loved every page of it.
June 17, 2023
Did I think Apeshit was awesome? CM3 takes the insanity of Apeshit and brings it on a whole another level. It's so damn extreme, bro! Exactly what you'd expect fron Apeshit sequel, it's gory, fucked in the head, and totally unpredictable. Most characters, just like in the first bit, are total fucking assholes and you love to read the shit befalling to them. This book was extreme. And at the end of the day, it was not only a transgressive bizzaro splatterpunk. It was, for the record, an utter clusterfuck.
August 25, 2017
This was my second CM3 book. I was entertained but it came nowhere near to Apeshit. For one thing the premise is still the same so the reader does not have the joy of discovery like they did in that first entry. Second of all, the characters here are all assholes. Dean and Trent are so over the top that you are instantly rooting for them to die.
I love the cave setting but feel this one was not different enough from Apeshit to really matter.
I love the cave setting but feel this one was not different enough from Apeshit to really matter.
September 28, 2017
A bunch of frat bros go into some caves. Very f**king funny, full of genuine scares (the feeling of claustrophobia felt real, i'm talking Descent real...well OK, Descent 2 (The Descent was a really good movie)
When i picked it up I didn't realise that it was a sort of sequel to Apeshit, which I enjoyed so this was a pleasant surprise. Mellick, as usual, pushes the envelope. Every time I thought I knew where the story was going...Mellick pulled out another surprise.
When i picked it up I didn't realise that it was a sort of sequel to Apeshit, which I enjoyed so this was a pleasant surprise. Mellick, as usual, pushes the envelope. Every time I thought I knew where the story was going...Mellick pulled out another surprise.
July 16, 2021
The most extreme adventure I have ever read, Bro! A group of Frat brothers decide to go caving with a group of sorority sisters. No of them really have a clue about caving or what they are doing. Things go from bad to worse very fast. The story seemed stupid and immature at first but was surprisingly well thought out and had some fun twists. I can not wait to get my hands on another Carlton Mellick III book!
May 3, 2022
A group of inexperienced douchey college kids decide to go EXTREME caving one weekend, even though none of them have any caving experience.
Things go horribly wrong and it turns out that the cave somehow imbues anyone in it with immortality. Cue the horribly deformed cave mutants who’ve been living there for 150 years and the college kids fighting for their… life?
Took a while to really get going and get to the truly bizarre stuff, but man the last 25% of the book was a real treat.
Things go horribly wrong and it turns out that the cave somehow imbues anyone in it with immortality. Cue the horribly deformed cave mutants who’ve been living there for 150 years and the college kids fighting for their… life?
Took a while to really get going and get to the truly bizarre stuff, but man the last 25% of the book was a real treat.
July 1, 2018
Mellick's mind must be a fun place to live. He comes up with some crazy story ideas. However, it is only the insanity of his bizarro concepts that have kept me reading his books. I wish he was a better storyteller and more skillful at character development. After reading a few of his books, I think the weird factor just for the sake of being weird is starting to wear off.
December 31, 2020
What the hell was that?
My brain is still trying to process what it just read, thou not in a bad way. I preferred the first half of the book, I dont want to leave spoilers so I wont say why. Absolutely worth a read, would absolutely recommend if your looking for something completely off the wall but great fun.
My brain is still trying to process what it just read, thou not in a bad way. I preferred the first half of the book, I dont want to leave spoilers so I wont say why. Absolutely worth a read, would absolutely recommend if your looking for something completely off the wall but great fun.
September 4, 2024
Loved the book!
Totally crazy and stupid and funny, the book went in so many wild directions from the original idea of just taking the piss out of frat boys, i really wasn't expecting it. Not a dull moment in it, the story and the characters fill the whole of the book to bursting, if you know what i mean.
Will be reading more from the author for sure!
Totally crazy and stupid and funny, the book went in so many wild directions from the original idea of just taking the piss out of frat boys, i really wasn't expecting it. Not a dull moment in it, the story and the characters fill the whole of the book to bursting, if you know what i mean.
Will be reading more from the author for sure!
November 19, 2022
Awesome book that doesn't take itself too seriously. You want everything great about a B horror movie in book form? You got it. Wonderfully gory in a purposeful way that advances the plotline. Incredible creativity and uniqueness in characters and plot.
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