SPOILER ALERT - THIS BOOK WAS TERRIBLE - AND I WILL RUIN THE ENDING
If you're only going to read one book this year... Make sure this one is simply on hand in case you run out of toilet paper. If you think that's being crude, let me remind you a lack of toilet paper is one of her side plots she uses to move things along. And by move things along, I mean NOTHING IN THIS STORY GOES ANYWHERE EVER.
This book won a Nebula and Hugo award. Oh swoon, right? OMG this must be awesome, right??? Well, no... And I just don't know if I have it in me to fully express how bad this book was.
Let me start by setting the scene: the only vaguely science-fictiony thing is attempting to take place, where some guy mans a console and a history student, in "authentic clothes" sits among already damaged items so that when she's sent back in time to a bit before the black plague, she'll appear to be a high born woman attacked on the road, deserted by her help with a nasty bonk to her noggin from her contrived robbers. The console man will be attempting to send her through, then will get a "fix" on her to track her/pick her up later. In what can only be described as the "Crying Room" found in any church, (soundproof with glass wall) a bunch of hen pecking, annoying scientists all talk over each other and do a terrible Acting 101 soliloquy in which they listen to no one and repeat themselves like some contemporary art performance that would only have been improved if they re-inacted Carole Schneemann's famous performance.
Okay, so what you want me to say is this: predictably, something goes wrong sending her back; despite the fact that `no viruses can get through the net,' you as the reader are aware that the student went through and got flu-like symptoms pretty bad, as did the man at the console. The scientists that were squabbling about nothing interesting (and not actually talking to each other anyway) go get a beer next door to wait for the "fix," when console-man shows up discombobulated to the pub, says "something went wrong... I got the fix...but..." runs off back to the console across the street and when they all get there, he never finishes his sentence but passes out ill. And thus this amazing tension of OMG WHAT ILLNESS WHAT WHAT OMG OMG. The console man got very sick... panic and quarantine, AND A CAPER!!! Eh, why make it interesting, though?
I'd like to say that's what happened, but it didn't, not really. I mean, it is, if you cut 300 pages out of the book. (My electronic version was 884 pages) In the first 200 pages, all that happens is they send the girl back, the guy collapses without telling them what was off about the send. That's it. So far, nothing. What DID happen 46 times in those 200 pages is they got him to say "something's wrong..." before he'd pass out again. Actually, he continued to say this and not explain up through page 600 out of 884, when he finally spat out more of that sentence.
And what of the girl that was sent back? Let's just say it takes you oh, about... a page.. a whole page... to figure out "hmmm, yes, something IS wrong, and deducing from the fact that her `translator' in her ear isn't helping her speak the correct language, they must not have sent her to the right time!" Honestly. It took her half the 884 page book to realize oooOOOOoooh...they can't understand me because I'M IN THE WRONG TIME! Yes, she's sick and delirious...and I suppose we're supposed to be seeing this amazing historical novel, how they care for the sick and dying in the 1300s. Or that we're witnessing the Black Plague all around her. The girl is fitted with a recording device on her hands that activates when she presses her hands together like she's praying...So she records "I hear a rat gnawing under my bed."
Okay, so first of all... this book is touted as a historical masterpiece. But... UNDER YOUR BED? Under? What, where your cute little Tupperware tubs are filled with sweaters from last season? HOW UNDER YOUR BED IT'S A PILE OF STRAW. This one sentence is early on, so you, the reader suspect OMG RATS SHE WAS SENT DURING THE PLAGUE! But...ahem, historical novel? I mean, seriously, didn't poorer folks in the 1800's STILL use straw mattresses on the floor? Under her bed? COME ON. I did ONE GOOGLE SEARCH and found this: [...]
THAT IS IN THE 1400s!!!! Poor people had mattresses on the floor. What, are you going to tell me that she magically had a future bed in 1330 something? How is this a historical novel? I think the writer did her research for this book on a cereal box. By the way, my favorite amazon review mentioned that while this is touted as being a historical fiction novel, she sources ONE LIBRARIAN in the back of the book. One. ONE. (Probably the person who sold the cereal box).
Back to my point, while I get it that student girl is delirious, we're told over and over how she was to learn old English, French, german, latin, her cover story, etc... and ALL SHE SAYS to these people is "I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE DROP SITE TO SEE PROFESSOR SO'N'SO" over and over and over and over and.... Where is your training? I HOPE YOU GET THE PLAGUE. Omg I hope she dies of the plague.
She doesn't, by the way. She effing doesn't. It's unjust.
The author finds this amazing device to set a scene... we'll call it Crappy Writing. She'll take one character, and make them crawl into their own mind, spinning out of control, thinking "OMG what if something went wrong? What if the send didn't go well? What if there's a problem???" and then a second character, completely immune to outside signals people are putting off, just barks at them about how "you're always trying to mess up my experiments! You don't respect me as a professor! Any mistake here is your fault!" Now, these EXACT two sentiments... down to EXACTLY REPEATED SENTENCES will repeat for 8 pages. One paragraph, inner soliloquy. Next, berating jerk complaining without listening. Soliloquy. Barking. Soliloquy. Barking. If at any one point in 1000 times this occurred, the person being barked at said "HEY. SHUT UP." And then maybe answered them, the conversation would be over and not have to be repeated 8 million times, but no such luck. Because that person that barked unanswered? They're going to keep repeating that sentence hundreds of pages in, just you wait.
You ever read a word in a book, and it's such a unique word, that you totally notice when the author uses it again? Maybe "discombobulate" (like I used above!) or "juxtaposition"... something that stands out. I don't know if it's a British thing, but he never "dials" a phone, he punches it. He punched numbers 31 times in the book. OOoh, and my personal favorite, Rummage. In the beginning of the book, one of the scientists waiting in the crying room has a "shopping bag," (which is mentioned no less than 20 times in the first 150 pages... 32 times in the book...shut up about the shopping bag!) But... this woman is constantly rummaging through this bag or some other bag, or shuffling papers. I never realized how describing something so irritating can be so irritating to read! STOP RUMMAGING. It's like the only way the author builds tension into a scene. She literally has someone talk at this character, then in response she rummages. So that person repeats themselves SO SHE RUMMAGES SOME MORE oh come on!
But that's not all. This book, set in the future, spends much of it's time with busy signals. Yes, that's right, pull that memory out of the back of your mind, the most annoying sound in the world, brought back to life. The book was written in 1992, so, unfortunately the science fiction part wasn't her strong suit, apparently only masters like Gibson can get this one right... time travel, and no voice mail or cell phones. EGADS. And, every time he gets through somewhere, it's to someone that I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP wants to update him on the toilet paper situation, and mention that some foreign guests are really pissed about being stuck in a quarantine. The toilet paper and the grumpy guests. They are simply used as a device so that every time he calls this guy for info, these 2 problems will keep him from answering what he was supposed to answer, and then the call will end, with no one getting anywhere. "Yes sir, but...the guests sir... the guests are upset" OMG WHY DID I SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON THIS BOOK. If you think I'm exaggerating, the guests are brought up 45 times, the toilet paper 17 times. I had more fun using the search feature than reading this, by the way.
I feel some of the fight drifting out of me. My sister recommended this book, and I so wanted to like it so we could chat about it... but I am just so angry these words were allowed to be printed on a page! It aggravates me! From the beginning of the book, we know something went wrong about sending her back, but the guy who wants to tell you what happened gets sick... he says something went wrong 129 times BEFORE HE SAYS WHAT WENT WRONG by page 600. By page 400, student girl finally figures out she must have been sent to the wrong time, and that's why her translator won't work. By the end of the book you realize none of it matters, and the "6th Sense" twist of this book is...there's no twist. They both just randomly got sick. Yeah, spoiler. Nothing in the past came to the future or vice versa. It's just dumb luck, lots of people dead, a pedophilia type love hinted at, and no reason to have ever bothered writing this book.
The "touching love story" or whatever people are calling it? While people in future-present are dying off all around him, the professor is still totally focused on the student that got sent back. I think people think it's a love story that he's concerned about her welfare, despite everyone he know or loves being dead around him and that not seeming to sink in. There's no defined love story...it's an absent minded professor twice her age immune to the suffering around him focused on a too-stupid-to-have-survived-this-book student and her well being.