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Conversion Therapy Dropout: A Queer Story of Faith and Belonging
A gay Christian's behind-the-scenes account of evangelical megachurches and eight years in conversion therapy before finding wholeness and authenticity.
Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez was an invisible architect behind evangelical Christianity's digital empire, crafting messages of belonging for some of the most influential megachurches--Hillsong Church, Elevation Church, Willow Creek--all while secretly questioning his own place within the faith.
In a desperate attempt to "fix" himself, he turned to conversion therapy, spending eight years trying to pray the gay away. And he wasn't alone. More than 700,000 people in the US have undergone some form of conversion therapy. Even though Exodus International, the largest ex-gay organization, closed in 2013, the practice still thrives in many conservative religious communities. After years of this harmful "therapy," Schraeder Rodriguez's sexuality never changed. But his faith did.The more time he spent in evangelical Christianity, the more he witnessed the hypocrisy of institutions that claimed to love everyone while quietly pushing people like him into silence. But Schraeder Rodriguez wouldn't remain silent. Instead, he forged a new path, discovering a vibrant faith beyond the constraints of non-affirming theology and finding a community that embraced his whole self.
Conversion Therapy Dropout is a behind-the-scenes look at megachurch culture, the hidden harm of non-affirming Christian spaces, and the ongoing impact of conversion therapy on gay Christians. This isn't just a coming-out story--it's about what happens after. About rebuilding a life outside the only world you've ever known. And the radical act of stepping into the light after being told your whole life to stay in the shadows. Sometimes, the greatest act of faith isn't holding on--it's letting go.
Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez was an invisible architect behind evangelical Christianity's digital empire, crafting messages of belonging for some of the most influential megachurches--Hillsong Church, Elevation Church, Willow Creek--all while secretly questioning his own place within the faith.
In a desperate attempt to "fix" himself, he turned to conversion therapy, spending eight years trying to pray the gay away. And he wasn't alone. More than 700,000 people in the US have undergone some form of conversion therapy. Even though Exodus International, the largest ex-gay organization, closed in 2013, the practice still thrives in many conservative religious communities. After years of this harmful "therapy," Schraeder Rodriguez's sexuality never changed. But his faith did.The more time he spent in evangelical Christianity, the more he witnessed the hypocrisy of institutions that claimed to love everyone while quietly pushing people like him into silence. But Schraeder Rodriguez wouldn't remain silent. Instead, he forged a new path, discovering a vibrant faith beyond the constraints of non-affirming theology and finding a community that embraced his whole self.
Conversion Therapy Dropout is a behind-the-scenes look at megachurch culture, the hidden harm of non-affirming Christian spaces, and the ongoing impact of conversion therapy on gay Christians. This isn't just a coming-out story--it's about what happens after. About rebuilding a life outside the only world you've ever known. And the radical act of stepping into the light after being told your whole life to stay in the shadows. Sometimes, the greatest act of faith isn't holding on--it's letting go.
248 pages, Hardcover
First published May 1, 2026
About the author
Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez
1 book34 followersTimothy Schraeder Rodriguez spent nearly a decade in gay conversion therapy—all while working behind the scenes at some of the most influential evangelical megachurches.
After embracing his identity as a gay Christian and leaving church work, he co-founded Church Clarity, an organization that helps queer people find affirming faith communities.
His writing and work have been featured in TIME, The Advocate, NBC, VICE, The Washington Post, HuffPost, Religion News Service, and BBC Newshour.
Born in the Midwest, he now calls New York City home, where he continues his work as a writer, digital strategist, and advocate for queer people of faith.
After embracing his identity as a gay Christian and leaving church work, he co-founded Church Clarity, an organization that helps queer people find affirming faith communities.
His writing and work have been featured in TIME, The Advocate, NBC, VICE, The Washington Post, HuffPost, Religion News Service, and BBC Newshour.
Born in the Midwest, he now calls New York City home, where he continues his work as a writer, digital strategist, and advocate for queer people of faith.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 140 reviews
May 10, 2026
Your heart will go on a roller coaster with this amazing memoir, a story that deserves to be told. The title tells you the gist— that this is about a man who tried everything in his power to not be gay and finally made his way to acceptance. Tim’s story is certainly not unique as thousands of men and women have been down this path, but he comes through with both a clarity of spirit and hope for the future of the church. Many did not survive.
Tim was raised in an Assembly of God Pentecostal church in Peoria. He worked tirelessly in church spaces and found his gift was in church multimedia marketing. Trained on staff, he made his way through bigger and bolder mega church spaces. He had a hand in communication messaging for some of the largest churches across the globe.
All while nearly bankrupting himself to go to any means necessary to “change” his sexuality.
This is what made this a special story for me. Tim spent 8 years in the now-defunct Exodus International and similar “therapy” NOT because his family insisted, but what he truly believed was a moral failing on his part. He knew he could not be accepted in his community and hated this part of himself.
Whether or not you are queer, most of us know the feeling that we won’t be lovable unless we change somehow.
Pete Buttigieg once said that there was a time in his life that if you offered him a pill to make him straight, he would have swallowed it before you had the chance to give him water. Tim’s story talks about the extraordinary lengths he went to change his sexuality. We now know that conversation therapy does not work and is extremely harmful and in many cases, deadly.
I think what stood out to me were the spaces that were seemingly accepting but still wanting gay Christians to “don’t ask don’t tell” or to remain celibate and how this felt like progress but in many cases, created more shame.
As a Jesus follower I am so disappointed in those that use their own interpretation of the Bible to shame and spiritually abuse others. Plain and simple- this is spiritual abuse. Jesus said if you cause young people to feel separated from God’s love you might as well tie a millstone around your neck and be drowned in the depth of the sea. I feel this scripture in my bones for all of the queer kids. Millions of queer kids think God’s love is not for them because of those in power.
There is nothing about you that needs to change. You are perfect as you are.
Tim was raised in an Assembly of God Pentecostal church in Peoria. He worked tirelessly in church spaces and found his gift was in church multimedia marketing. Trained on staff, he made his way through bigger and bolder mega church spaces. He had a hand in communication messaging for some of the largest churches across the globe.
All while nearly bankrupting himself to go to any means necessary to “change” his sexuality.
This is what made this a special story for me. Tim spent 8 years in the now-defunct Exodus International and similar “therapy” NOT because his family insisted, but what he truly believed was a moral failing on his part. He knew he could not be accepted in his community and hated this part of himself.
Whether or not you are queer, most of us know the feeling that we won’t be lovable unless we change somehow.
Pete Buttigieg once said that there was a time in his life that if you offered him a pill to make him straight, he would have swallowed it before you had the chance to give him water. Tim’s story talks about the extraordinary lengths he went to change his sexuality. We now know that conversation therapy does not work and is extremely harmful and in many cases, deadly.
I think what stood out to me were the spaces that were seemingly accepting but still wanting gay Christians to “don’t ask don’t tell” or to remain celibate and how this felt like progress but in many cases, created more shame.
As a Jesus follower I am so disappointed in those that use their own interpretation of the Bible to shame and spiritually abuse others. Plain and simple- this is spiritual abuse. Jesus said if you cause young people to feel separated from God’s love you might as well tie a millstone around your neck and be drowned in the depth of the sea. I feel this scripture in my bones for all of the queer kids. Millions of queer kids think God’s love is not for them because of those in power.
There is nothing about you that needs to change. You are perfect as you are.
July 25, 2026
Raised in the evangelical church, the author of this book did everything he possibly could to try to suppress and change his sexuality. He attended conferences and support groups, asked friends to be his “accountability partners,” and publicly shared his testimony about battling same-sex attraction. The thing is, none of it worked. This story is about his journey to accepting himself as a gay man, and finally flourishing as his true self.
What sets this apart from many similar memoirs is the author’s decision to remain a Christian. As a Christian, I would never fault anyone for turning their back on the faith given the very real harm churches have inflicted on our LGBTQ+ siblings over the years, but it was encouraging to read about someone who was able to grow closer to God by accepting himself. My biggest takeaway from this book is that Christians who are LBTQ+ affirming need to be LOUD about it. There were many disheartening moments in this book that came from churches and Christians being wishy-washy on inclusion. There was a heartbreaking anecdote about a gay Christian couple that actually met at church, and only found out when they asked their pastor to marry them that their church disagreed with gay marriage. There’s also a part where the author admits to the therapist who has been giving him conversion therapy that he’s done trying to change his identity and the therapist is like “oh, that’s cool, I actually believe in gay rights, I was just following this Christian counselling centre’s guidelines.” Like, excuse me?? Think of the trauma that could have been avoided if he acted in line with his values.
This was a really interesting read that will appeal to progressive Christians and anyone deconstructing from an evangelical upbringing. I would also challenge conservative Christians to read this book and try to see through the author’s eyes.
What sets this apart from many similar memoirs is the author’s decision to remain a Christian. As a Christian, I would never fault anyone for turning their back on the faith given the very real harm churches have inflicted on our LGBTQ+ siblings over the years, but it was encouraging to read about someone who was able to grow closer to God by accepting himself. My biggest takeaway from this book is that Christians who are LBTQ+ affirming need to be LOUD about it. There were many disheartening moments in this book that came from churches and Christians being wishy-washy on inclusion. There was a heartbreaking anecdote about a gay Christian couple that actually met at church, and only found out when they asked their pastor to marry them that their church disagreed with gay marriage. There’s also a part where the author admits to the therapist who has been giving him conversion therapy that he’s done trying to change his identity and the therapist is like “oh, that’s cool, I actually believe in gay rights, I was just following this Christian counselling centre’s guidelines.” Like, excuse me?? Think of the trauma that could have been avoided if he acted in line with his values.
This was a really interesting read that will appeal to progressive Christians and anyone deconstructing from an evangelical upbringing. I would also challenge conservative Christians to read this book and try to see through the author’s eyes.
June 29, 2026
this is such a well written book and i think EVERYONE should read it because the message is even better
Read
June 9, 2026It’s so upsetting the shame and humiliation that so many queer people have gone through by being a part of evangelicalism. I’m so glad the author was able to get out and find happiness. I immediately watched the documentary on Netflix, “Pray Away” which was mentioned in the book. I recommend both!
May 15, 2026
A beautifully crafted memoir. Unlike some of its ilk, this one doesn’t allow itself to get bogged down in theology (apart from some brief references, TSR knows we know the clobber passages all too well, and most of us have reclaimed them with better hermeneutics) nor in trauma. While TSR doesn’t shy away from his trauma, his message of empowerment and hope shine through all the brighter, making this an easy and emotional read. Structurally, his narrative takes the form of self-help over many years of moving, navigating various social groups and professional spheres, and personal revelations; it’s a reminder even to those of us healing from our own religious and psychological horrors that healing is never a single event. Awareness of ourselves comes at the cost of building healthy communities around ourselves, and that can be the hardest work of all. TSR shows us practical, discerning steps of how that process looked for him, and it makes this fabulous memoir stand a cut above the rest.
June 12, 2026
If I could, I would make this mandatory reading. This book is very well written, but also real and raw in a way that is needed. This book would be especially helpful to Evangelical Christians who have brought so much unnecessary pain into the lives of queer Christians.
May 13, 2026
Some phrases were repeated too often and that drove me kind of crazy. But maybe that’s only someone like me, who copy edits books for a living, will notice and be a little annoyed by. But otherwise, this was heartbreaking and encouraging all the same.
I think the author showed really well just how hard he tried not to have same-sex attraction. The title of this book implies perhaps it was a one-off thing that he tried and then dropped, but that was not the case. He spent eight years trying to “become straight” and it never happened, despite how bad he wanted it to. And why did he want it to happen? Because this is what the church teaches. And why does the church teach this?
I’m not really not sure. I thought maybe while reading this that perhaps sexuality of any kind that doesn’t fit the church’s mold is threatening and something that needs to be controlled and squashed. (Purity culture that I grew up in being the “straight sexuality” issue pressed upon us as women.)
Two of my closest and oldest friends in this world are gay, and thinking about them going through what the author went through brings me to tears. I simply cannot imagine living this way and feeling so trapped with no way out yet wanting to please God and the church based on what they say.
I’m so glad the author feels affirmed, accepted, and loved just as he is. Because it’s true. Every human is fearfully and wonderfully made, not just straight people.
I think the author showed really well just how hard he tried not to have same-sex attraction. The title of this book implies perhaps it was a one-off thing that he tried and then dropped, but that was not the case. He spent eight years trying to “become straight” and it never happened, despite how bad he wanted it to. And why did he want it to happen? Because this is what the church teaches. And why does the church teach this?
I’m not really not sure. I thought maybe while reading this that perhaps sexuality of any kind that doesn’t fit the church’s mold is threatening and something that needs to be controlled and squashed. (Purity culture that I grew up in being the “straight sexuality” issue pressed upon us as women.)
Two of my closest and oldest friends in this world are gay, and thinking about them going through what the author went through brings me to tears. I simply cannot imagine living this way and feeling so trapped with no way out yet wanting to please God and the church based on what they say.
I’m so glad the author feels affirmed, accepted, and loved just as he is. Because it’s true. Every human is fearfully and wonderfully made, not just straight people.
May 6, 2026
I had the opportunity to read the working copy of this last year and I was instantly brought into a world I was privileged to not experience. This is the largest subculture I think our country has, funneling billions of dollars from Christian rock mega churches into literal psychological warfare on queer people. Interesting story, engaging writing, and a beautiful message.
May 14, 2026
Impossible not to give 5 stars when I got to hear from the author himself last weekend in Chicago! This book was extra special because of how prominently Chicago is featured, including a church I used to go to 👀 if anybody wants to read this, you can borrow it from me!
June 23, 2026
I wholeheartedly enjoyed this book! It was very enlightening to hear about his journey through such complex and layered experiences. It was really cool to hear the Chicago connections in this book, and think about how a lot of this occurred in my backyard. It was really heartwarming and I would for sure recommend. Loved listening on Audible.
July 17, 2026
Truly think everyone should read this. Find the compassion in your heart. And f*ck conversion “therapy”
July 5, 2026
I don’t cry during many books but this one got me
June 6, 2026
*As with all biographies, rating is not related to their story.*
I couldn’t put this down. As someone who also spent a chunk of their childhood in the evangelical church space, this hit hard. I’m so thankful to have read Tim’s story. It was honest and heartbreaking. I’m so happy that he is a “dropout” and is living his authentic life.
I couldn’t put this down. As someone who also spent a chunk of their childhood in the evangelical church space, this hit hard. I’m so thankful to have read Tim’s story. It was honest and heartbreaking. I’m so happy that he is a “dropout” and is living his authentic life.
August 7, 2026
A beautifully written and told memoir about self-acceptance, finding community and religious intersectionality. It is not the stigmatized version of conversion therapy but gives insight on how modern conversion therapy looks as of the early 2000s-2010s. It is a must read if you are an ally, queer person, or simply looking for a new perspective/ understanding of how damaging conversion therapy is and how much gay affirming religious spaces are needed and can/should coexist no matter your sexuality/gender-identity. Schrader-Rodriguez no doubt sheds an important light on how queerness and Christianity can be one. Love on another, Be an ally, be a friend, be unapologetically proud of who you are.
May 6, 2026
I began this book with a set of expectations of how it would play out. However, it was completely different, in a good way. Timothy tells the story of his life and his struggle with his sexuality, eventually turning to voluntary conversion therapy. I am really glad I was able to get an advanced copy (now released!) because I found it pretty insightful as someone who is not connected to any church or religion.
I felt it dragged a little in the middle where things weren’t really moving too much and I wanted him to just break free… but it makes total sense since this is being viewed through a 2026 lens.
I really hope his story can help those struggling with similar feelings.
4 Stars
I felt it dragged a little in the middle where things weren’t really moving too much and I wanted him to just break free… but it makes total sense since this is being viewed through a 2026 lens.
I really hope his story can help those struggling with similar feelings.
4 Stars
Read
June 3, 2026BEAUTIFUL
Got (very) teary eyed at the end. I am not in any way a believer, but I do very much appreciate the way the author has been able to find his own love from and for his God. It's incredible how resilient and resourceful his journey has been. Truly an amazing book to read and story to hear
Got (very) teary eyed at the end. I am not in any way a believer, but I do very much appreciate the way the author has been able to find his own love from and for his God. It's incredible how resilient and resourceful his journey has been. Truly an amazing book to read and story to hear
June 8, 2026
I know several adults that experienced conversion therapy and pray the gay away during their teen and young adult years because their parents could not accept their sexuality. The title of this book really intrigued me as I was curious and ready to learn more about the author’s experience with conversion therapy and his Christian experience. What this book offers is more of an overview of his life experience living as a gay man unable to find the benefit of conversion therapy and how he tries multiple jobs with digital marketing for churches. While that part of his story is intriguing, I still wanted more which may be my issue as the reader.
August 3, 2026
This book is a good reminder why conversion therapy isn't just a practice that doesn't work , but actively harmful . While I don't hold to affirming theology as the author does, there is so much in this story I can relate to.
July 21, 2026
I was not raised with devout religion like the author of this memoir, and I don’t typically read memoirs. And yet, this will probably be on my Best-of list for the year.
Read
July 22, 2026Important stories that the church needs to listen to
July 19, 2026
Such an impactful memoir! Should be mandatory reading for everyone involved in the evangelical church. The pain and damage caused by conversion therapy is absolutely heartbreaking.
August 23, 2026
THE STORY OF A CHURCH MEDIA CONSULTANT WHO FINALLY LEFT ‘CONVERSION’ BEHIND
Author and activist Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez wrote in the ‘Author’s Note’ of this 2016 book, “This is a true story, told as best as I can remember it… Above all, this book is an offering: a testament to the power of self-acceptance, the resilience of the human spirit, and the unexpected beauty that comes from embracing our whole selves---just as God created us to be.”
He recalls in the Introduction, “For me, conversion therapy wasn’t boot camps or electroshock treatments… Mine was a gentler version of conversion therapy---if you can even call it that---because how gentle can something be if it teaches you to hate yourself? I did weekly sessions with a quack Christian therapist who treated my desire for love and connection like a disease. The prescription was Bible verses and prayers to repeat whenever unwanted ‘same-sex attraction’ surfaced. I also went to week-long conferences with ‘ex-gay’ speakers where we were taught how to heal our homosexuality by having close relationships with straight men and doing everything we could to act more like them. And I did support groups that felt like AA for homosexuality, only with more shame and fewer success stories. With all my best but futile efforts, I was trying to kill a part of myself I hadn’t even had the chance to understand because I believed that’s what God wanted me to do.” (Pg. 3)
He continues, “I was one of the invisible architects behind evangelicalism’s digital transformation. While megachurch pastors became influencers, worship leaders became rock stars, and megachurches became lifestyle brands, I remained in the shadows, crafting their messages, building their platforms, and shaping their digital personas… I worked for institutions that wouldn’t accept someone like me, yet they eagerly embraced my talent for making them appear progressive and inclusive. I made Christianity look culturally relevant and connected---all while feeling increasingly disconnected from it myself. My job was to convince the world that these churches welcomed everyone when I knew firsthand the conditional nature of that welcome… At first, I was okay with the arrangement… But eventually, the price of my silence became too high… The journey to owning my gay identity has been long… this isn’t your typical ‘coming of gay’ memoir, a harrowing conversion therapy survival story, or a tell-all exposé of evangelical megachurch scandals---though all of that is in here. This is about … how I managed to keep my faith without losing my soul.” (Pg. 4-5)
He says of the Brownsville Revival, “For someone desperate for divine intervention like me, Brownsville represented the ultimate spiritual solution. If God was performing miracles anywhere---healing diseases, delivering people from addictions, and, yes, changing people’s sexual orientations---it would be here, where God’s presence was said to be so tangible you could almost touch it.” (Pg. 19) He continues, “Looking back now, I can see the painful pattern forming of my desperate search for transformation through ever-grander spiritual experiences… I kept searching for the spiritual formula that would rewire who I was at my core.” (Pg. 23)
He discovered that he had been adopted, and was reunited with his biological family. He observes, “Adoption leaves a wound that never really heals… Back then, I didn’t have the language to understand how my adoption experience shaped my response to religious rejection. The sense of belonging to my families and to church felt tenuous, dependent on meeting expectations I didn’t think I could live up to.” (Pg. 25)
Finally, he called Exodus International, and said, “I don’t want to be gay.” He continues, “By the time I found them, Exodus had transformed from a handful of ‘ex-gay believers’ into a worldwide movement… Their leaders sat across from people like Phil Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Oprah Winfrey, solemnly swearing that change was possible…. And they paraded in church pulpits as living proof that God could turn anyone straight.” (Pg. 38)
He continues, “After work hours, I dove headfirst into the Living Hope forums [Living Hope was an online support forum] and a growing collection of ex-gay literature … The pseudopsychology in these books made sense … if you ignored modern psychology… every story I read ...[said that] ‘Our “sexual brokenness” wasn’t our fault, but could be overcome.’” (Pg. 43-44) “Exodus was not just a week-long conference. It was an identity, a future, a calling… It was a movement, and I was all in.” (Pg. 82)
In 2008 he attended a Pride Fest, then went into a gay bar for the first time. “The freedom I experienced in that bar surpassed anything I’d witnessed in years of emotional church services or Exodus conferences… I didn’t have to alter my voice, movements, or laughter. The only price of belonging here was for me to be my whole self.” (Pg. 113) But “After the Pride fest … and outing my same-sex attraction to my church community, I decided to double down on my efforts to not be gay. Or, rather, give it one more solid effort before admitting total defeat.” (Pg. 119)
But ultimately, he recalls, “For eight years---most of my twenties---I had poured tens of thousands of dollars into Exodus conferences, retreats, therapy, support groups, and courses that promised to fix me. I had given my life to the church, but nothing had changed… I tried to convince myself that if singleness was good enough for Jesus and His early disciples, then maybe my sexuality was a gift… But the only person I was lying to was myself… If people knew who I really was, everything I had built would be taken away.” (Pg. 129-130) He decided he wanted to attend the Gay Christian Network Conference, and told the pastor at Park Community Church (where he was on staff) about his secret, and was told, “There’s nothing wrong with you being gay. The only time your job here would be in jeopardy is if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone.”
He muses, “that should have felt like a win, but all I could think about was how much of myself I’d still have to keep hidden if I wanted to stay. I’d always been told there were only two choices: be gay or be Christian. But maybe that was a lie. Maybe there was another way I hadn’t seen yet.” (Pg. 136) At the Gay Christian Network Conference, he observed that “there were two distinct approaches… Side A individuals believed God fully affirmed committed same-sex relationships. Side B individuals identified as queer but believed they were called to celibacy.” (Pg. 141)
He observes, “Being a conversion therapy dropout and navigating the gay world freshly out of the closet at 27 was like being born again---except this time, I had to teach myself how to live in a world I’d been taught to fear… figuring out how to be gay without an instruction manual.” (Pg. 153)
He recounts, “Beginning my new job as ‘a professional gay Christian,’ my [his gay friend] Chad joked as I headed out to consult with a church… I spent my days consulting with churches and nonprofits to help them develop social media and digital strategies that brought their missions to life… In January 2011, I headed to Nashville to speak at … the National Religious Broadcasters Convention.” (Pg. 169-170)
But he “missed being a part of a church community… Plenty of churches had rainbow flags and ‘all are welcome’ signs… Still, some felt too liberal or lacked theological grounding, like anything could go… while I no longer believed being gay was a sin, I wasn’t ready to throw out everything I had been taught… I made my annual trek to Willow Creed to help run social media for The Global Leadership Summit… The Summit exposure brought me some new clients and followers. But one connection I didn’t expect to make was Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus.” (Pg. 170-171)
Chambers wanted to hear from people who had left Exodus. He told him, “Initially, being involved in conversion therapy was helpful for me… But, over time, I didn’t see the change I was seeking and realized all my life and my relationship with God was so fixated with praying for change… I was still the same. And then I started to question if the problem was me, God, or what I was being told in conversion therapy… In the beginning, Exodus was helpful to me… but in the end, I believe … it’s giving people a false promise and empty hope.’ … Alan said, ‘Tim… I agree with 99.9% of what you just said.” (Pg. 173-174) Alan announced that he was convening a meeting with some key evangelical leaders “to discuss the future direction of Exodus.” At the meeting, Alan announced that “we can’t do anything but close Exodus down… We have to end it and imagine something new.” “The meeting ended without any formal decisions being made.” (Pg. 172-176)
He (Tim) logged into a private Facebook group for ex-gay survivors, and notes, “Even though Alan said the meeting was confidential, I wanted others to know change was coming. People who had been damaged by Exodus deserved to know its leaders were finally beginning to acknowledge the truth of the harm they had caused.” But David Roberts of ‘Ex-Gay Watch,’ “a blog dedicated to exposing the practices and harm caused by conversion therapy and organizations like Exodus… regularly ‘outed’ ex-gay leaders who were caught with their pants down… [Roberts] suspect[ed] I was closeted and working with churches… he was planning to write a piece that would name and publicly ‘out’ me… [After the piece's publication, Alan Chambers sent Tim several furious messages: “What could I possibly say to someone who seemed more concerned about organizational or personal damage control than the countless lives ruined by his ministry?” (Pg. 176-178) [Exodus very soon DID shut down.]
He muses, “Now, with Exodus out of the picture, the church didn’t have many options. They weren’t ready to affirm us. They weren’t ready to include us. So instead, they chose silence. That’s when I knew. If something new was going to exist, people like me would have to help build it… I wasn’t leaving the church world, but I was done hiding in it… I decided I wouldn’t be loud and proud about my sexuality on my social media. My public presence would stay discreet, but privately, I would be up front with every church worked with that I was gay… I had to do it as a whole person, not just a hired social media expert, but the real me: gay, faithful, and fully loved by God.” (Pg. 196-197) Soon, he was hired by Willow Creek Community Church.
But ultimately, “I had discovered my calling… to try and make the church a safe space for LGBTQ+ people… If I wanted to create real change, I couldn’t do it from inside anymore. I needed to help build something new.” (Pg. 218)
This book will be of great interest to those studying LGBTQ+ issues and Christianity.
Author and activist Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez wrote in the ‘Author’s Note’ of this 2016 book, “This is a true story, told as best as I can remember it… Above all, this book is an offering: a testament to the power of self-acceptance, the resilience of the human spirit, and the unexpected beauty that comes from embracing our whole selves---just as God created us to be.”
He recalls in the Introduction, “For me, conversion therapy wasn’t boot camps or electroshock treatments… Mine was a gentler version of conversion therapy---if you can even call it that---because how gentle can something be if it teaches you to hate yourself? I did weekly sessions with a quack Christian therapist who treated my desire for love and connection like a disease. The prescription was Bible verses and prayers to repeat whenever unwanted ‘same-sex attraction’ surfaced. I also went to week-long conferences with ‘ex-gay’ speakers where we were taught how to heal our homosexuality by having close relationships with straight men and doing everything we could to act more like them. And I did support groups that felt like AA for homosexuality, only with more shame and fewer success stories. With all my best but futile efforts, I was trying to kill a part of myself I hadn’t even had the chance to understand because I believed that’s what God wanted me to do.” (Pg. 3)
He continues, “I was one of the invisible architects behind evangelicalism’s digital transformation. While megachurch pastors became influencers, worship leaders became rock stars, and megachurches became lifestyle brands, I remained in the shadows, crafting their messages, building their platforms, and shaping their digital personas… I worked for institutions that wouldn’t accept someone like me, yet they eagerly embraced my talent for making them appear progressive and inclusive. I made Christianity look culturally relevant and connected---all while feeling increasingly disconnected from it myself. My job was to convince the world that these churches welcomed everyone when I knew firsthand the conditional nature of that welcome… At first, I was okay with the arrangement… But eventually, the price of my silence became too high… The journey to owning my gay identity has been long… this isn’t your typical ‘coming of gay’ memoir, a harrowing conversion therapy survival story, or a tell-all exposé of evangelical megachurch scandals---though all of that is in here. This is about … how I managed to keep my faith without losing my soul.” (Pg. 4-5)
He says of the Brownsville Revival, “For someone desperate for divine intervention like me, Brownsville represented the ultimate spiritual solution. If God was performing miracles anywhere---healing diseases, delivering people from addictions, and, yes, changing people’s sexual orientations---it would be here, where God’s presence was said to be so tangible you could almost touch it.” (Pg. 19) He continues, “Looking back now, I can see the painful pattern forming of my desperate search for transformation through ever-grander spiritual experiences… I kept searching for the spiritual formula that would rewire who I was at my core.” (Pg. 23)
He discovered that he had been adopted, and was reunited with his biological family. He observes, “Adoption leaves a wound that never really heals… Back then, I didn’t have the language to understand how my adoption experience shaped my response to religious rejection. The sense of belonging to my families and to church felt tenuous, dependent on meeting expectations I didn’t think I could live up to.” (Pg. 25)
Finally, he called Exodus International, and said, “I don’t want to be gay.” He continues, “By the time I found them, Exodus had transformed from a handful of ‘ex-gay believers’ into a worldwide movement… Their leaders sat across from people like Phil Donahue, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Oprah Winfrey, solemnly swearing that change was possible…. And they paraded in church pulpits as living proof that God could turn anyone straight.” (Pg. 38)
He continues, “After work hours, I dove headfirst into the Living Hope forums [Living Hope was an online support forum] and a growing collection of ex-gay literature … The pseudopsychology in these books made sense … if you ignored modern psychology… every story I read ...[said that] ‘Our “sexual brokenness” wasn’t our fault, but could be overcome.’” (Pg. 43-44) “Exodus was not just a week-long conference. It was an identity, a future, a calling… It was a movement, and I was all in.” (Pg. 82)
In 2008 he attended a Pride Fest, then went into a gay bar for the first time. “The freedom I experienced in that bar surpassed anything I’d witnessed in years of emotional church services or Exodus conferences… I didn’t have to alter my voice, movements, or laughter. The only price of belonging here was for me to be my whole self.” (Pg. 113) But “After the Pride fest … and outing my same-sex attraction to my church community, I decided to double down on my efforts to not be gay. Or, rather, give it one more solid effort before admitting total defeat.” (Pg. 119)
But ultimately, he recalls, “For eight years---most of my twenties---I had poured tens of thousands of dollars into Exodus conferences, retreats, therapy, support groups, and courses that promised to fix me. I had given my life to the church, but nothing had changed… I tried to convince myself that if singleness was good enough for Jesus and His early disciples, then maybe my sexuality was a gift… But the only person I was lying to was myself… If people knew who I really was, everything I had built would be taken away.” (Pg. 129-130) He decided he wanted to attend the Gay Christian Network Conference, and told the pastor at Park Community Church (where he was on staff) about his secret, and was told, “There’s nothing wrong with you being gay. The only time your job here would be in jeopardy is if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone.”
He muses, “that should have felt like a win, but all I could think about was how much of myself I’d still have to keep hidden if I wanted to stay. I’d always been told there were only two choices: be gay or be Christian. But maybe that was a lie. Maybe there was another way I hadn’t seen yet.” (Pg. 136) At the Gay Christian Network Conference, he observed that “there were two distinct approaches… Side A individuals believed God fully affirmed committed same-sex relationships. Side B individuals identified as queer but believed they were called to celibacy.” (Pg. 141)
He observes, “Being a conversion therapy dropout and navigating the gay world freshly out of the closet at 27 was like being born again---except this time, I had to teach myself how to live in a world I’d been taught to fear… figuring out how to be gay without an instruction manual.” (Pg. 153)
He recounts, “Beginning my new job as ‘a professional gay Christian,’ my [his gay friend] Chad joked as I headed out to consult with a church… I spent my days consulting with churches and nonprofits to help them develop social media and digital strategies that brought their missions to life… In January 2011, I headed to Nashville to speak at … the National Religious Broadcasters Convention.” (Pg. 169-170)
But he “missed being a part of a church community… Plenty of churches had rainbow flags and ‘all are welcome’ signs… Still, some felt too liberal or lacked theological grounding, like anything could go… while I no longer believed being gay was a sin, I wasn’t ready to throw out everything I had been taught… I made my annual trek to Willow Creed to help run social media for The Global Leadership Summit… The Summit exposure brought me some new clients and followers. But one connection I didn’t expect to make was Alan Chambers, the president of Exodus.” (Pg. 170-171)
Chambers wanted to hear from people who had left Exodus. He told him, “Initially, being involved in conversion therapy was helpful for me… But, over time, I didn’t see the change I was seeking and realized all my life and my relationship with God was so fixated with praying for change… I was still the same. And then I started to question if the problem was me, God, or what I was being told in conversion therapy… In the beginning, Exodus was helpful to me… but in the end, I believe … it’s giving people a false promise and empty hope.’ … Alan said, ‘Tim… I agree with 99.9% of what you just said.” (Pg. 173-174) Alan announced that he was convening a meeting with some key evangelical leaders “to discuss the future direction of Exodus.” At the meeting, Alan announced that “we can’t do anything but close Exodus down… We have to end it and imagine something new.” “The meeting ended without any formal decisions being made.” (Pg. 172-176)
He (Tim) logged into a private Facebook group for ex-gay survivors, and notes, “Even though Alan said the meeting was confidential, I wanted others to know change was coming. People who had been damaged by Exodus deserved to know its leaders were finally beginning to acknowledge the truth of the harm they had caused.” But David Roberts of ‘Ex-Gay Watch,’ “a blog dedicated to exposing the practices and harm caused by conversion therapy and organizations like Exodus… regularly ‘outed’ ex-gay leaders who were caught with their pants down… [Roberts] suspect[ed] I was closeted and working with churches… he was planning to write a piece that would name and publicly ‘out’ me… [After the piece's publication, Alan Chambers sent Tim several furious messages: “What could I possibly say to someone who seemed more concerned about organizational or personal damage control than the countless lives ruined by his ministry?” (Pg. 176-178) [Exodus very soon DID shut down.]
He muses, “Now, with Exodus out of the picture, the church didn’t have many options. They weren’t ready to affirm us. They weren’t ready to include us. So instead, they chose silence. That’s when I knew. If something new was going to exist, people like me would have to help build it… I wasn’t leaving the church world, but I was done hiding in it… I decided I wouldn’t be loud and proud about my sexuality on my social media. My public presence would stay discreet, but privately, I would be up front with every church worked with that I was gay… I had to do it as a whole person, not just a hired social media expert, but the real me: gay, faithful, and fully loved by God.” (Pg. 196-197) Soon, he was hired by Willow Creek Community Church.
But ultimately, “I had discovered my calling… to try and make the church a safe space for LGBTQ+ people… If I wanted to create real change, I couldn’t do it from inside anymore. I needed to help build something new.” (Pg. 218)
This book will be of great interest to those studying LGBTQ+ issues and Christianity.
August 5, 2026
Essential reading for every ex-evangelical. Bless this book.
May 18, 2026
I read this and felt so guilty that for most of my life, I was a part of the problem. And also very, very happy in our decision to step back and choose our own path.
June 27, 2026
Beautiful and tender memoir about growing up gay in the church. He eloquently portrays the pain and rejection that the church projected on him and how he felt he needed to change himself to fit in.
July 26, 2026
Incredibly story written by a dear friend and former coworker! Poignant, raw and still made me laugh. Highly recommend
May 28, 2026
*I rate all memoirs five stars*
I rate all memoirs five stars but even if I didn’t this would EASILY be five stars!!! Truly one of the best memoirs I’ve ever read/listened to, and I I’ll especially resonate if you’ve spent any time in evangelical culture!!!
I rate all memoirs five stars but even if I didn’t this would EASILY be five stars!!! Truly one of the best memoirs I’ve ever read/listened to, and I I’ll especially resonate if you’ve spent any time in evangelical culture!!!
May 18, 2026
An intimate, confessional voice and insider perspective drive the appeal of this memoir from Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez. Tim helped some of the biggest megachurches in the world (e.g., Hillsong) grow their "brands," congregations, and platforms, while at the same time, hiding his sexuality and going through years of brutal conversion therapy.
Tim covers every step of his life—from childhood through teen years and beyond—along with the confusion, sadness, despair, and heartbreaking faith struggles that come with denying self. He is a kind man, forgiving and thoughtful, and FUNNY, which draws you in as a reader.
If you were riveted by the Netflix documentary "Pray Away," are curious about the now-shuttered Exodus International and what goes on in the dehumanizing process of conversion therapy + the inner workings of mega churches, this is a book for you. If you want to step into the soul of a LGBTQ+ Christian, it's a must read. It's intensely heartfelt, can be painful to read throughout, yet self-effacing. The end is emotional, full of help and promise for those who might be struggling in their own journeys.
Thank you to the publisher for the NetGalley ARC!
Tim covers every step of his life—from childhood through teen years and beyond—along with the confusion, sadness, despair, and heartbreaking faith struggles that come with denying self. He is a kind man, forgiving and thoughtful, and FUNNY, which draws you in as a reader.
If you were riveted by the Netflix documentary "Pray Away," are curious about the now-shuttered Exodus International and what goes on in the dehumanizing process of conversion therapy + the inner workings of mega churches, this is a book for you. If you want to step into the soul of a LGBTQ+ Christian, it's a must read. It's intensely heartfelt, can be painful to read throughout, yet self-effacing. The end is emotional, full of help and promise for those who might be struggling in their own journeys.
Thank you to the publisher for the NetGalley ARC!
July 25, 2026
This might be one of the most phenomenal memoirs I've listened to in a long time (and I love memoirs, so they're frequently on my list). It will definitely be on my top 10 list this year. I think it should be required reading for any Christian, Pastor, or social worker/therapist, but especially if you care about creating open, affirming, and loving spaces for the LGBTQIA2S+ community. I was hooked from the forward, and Timothy's voice is such a critical one for our churches.
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