Conversion Therapy Dropout: A Queer Story of Faith and Belonging

by Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez

A gay Christian's behind-the-scenes account of evangelical megachurches and eight years in conversion therapy before finding wholeness and authenticity.


Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez was an invisible architect behind evangelical Christianity's digital empire, crafting messages of belonging for some of the most influential megachurches--Hillsong Church, Elevation Church, Willow Creek--all while secretly questioning his own place within the faith.


In a desperate attempt to "fix" himself, he turned to conversion therapy, spending eight years trying to pray the gay away. And he wasn't alone. More than 700,000 people in the US have undergone some form of conversion therapy. Even though Exodus International, the largest ex-gay organization, closed in 2013, the practice still thrives in many conservative religious communities. After years of this harmful "therapy," Schraeder Rodriguez's sexuality never changed. But his faith did.The more time he spent in evangelical Christianity, the more he witnessed the hypocrisy of institutions that claimed to love everyone while quietly pushing people like him into silence. But Schraeder Rodriguez wouldn't remain silent. Instead, he forged a new path, discovering a vibrant faith beyond the constraints of non-affirming theology and finding a community that embraced his whole self.


Conversion Therapy Dropout is a behind-the-scenes look at megachurch culture, the hidden harm of non-affirming Christian spaces, and the ongoing impact of conversion therapy on gay Christians. This isn't just a coming-out story--it's about what happens after. About rebuilding a life outside the only world you've ever known. And the radical act of stepping into the light after being told your whole life to stay in the shadows. Sometimes, the greatest act of faith isn't holding on--it's letting go.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Audiobook, Queer, Religion, Biography Memoir

248 pages, Hardcover

First published May 1, 2026

About the author

Timothy Schraeder Rodriguez spent nearly a decade in gay conversion therapy—all while working behind the scenes at some of the most influential evangelical megachurches.

After embracing his identity as a gay Christian and leaving church work, he co-founded Church Clarity, an organization that helps queer people find affirming faith communities.

His writing and work have been featured in TIME, The Advocate, NBC, VICE, The Washington Post, HuffPost, Religion News Service, and BBC Newshour.

Born in the Midwest, he now calls New York City home, where he continues his work as a writer, digital strategist, and advocate for queer people of faith.

Reviews

[Angie Miale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Your heart will go on a roller coaster with this amazing memoir, a story that deserves to be told. The title tells you the gist— that this is about a man who tried everything in his power to not be gay and finally made his way to acceptance. Tim’s story is certainly not unique as thousands of men and women have been down this path, but he comes through with both a clarity of spirit and hope for the future of the church. Many did not survive.

Tim was raised in an Assembly of God Pentecostal church in Peoria. He worked tirelessly in church spaces and found his gift was in church multimedia marketing. Trained on staff, he made his way through bigger and bolder mega church spaces. He had a hand in communication messaging for some of the largest churches across the globe.

All while nearly bankrupting himself to go to any means necessary to “change” his sexuality.

This is what made this a special story for me. Tim spent 8 years in the now-defunct Exodus International and similar “therapy” NOT because his family insisted, but what he truly believed was a moral failing on his part. He knew he could not be accepted in his community and hated this part of himself.

Whether or not you are queer, most of us know the feeling that we won’t be lovable unless we change somehow.

Pete Buttigieg once said that there was a time in his life that if you offered him a pill to make him straight, he would have swallowed it before you had the chance to give him water. Tim’s story talks about the extraordinary lengths he went to change his sexuality. We now know that conversation therapy does not work and is extremely harmful and in many cases, deadly.

I think what stood out to me were the spaces that were seemingly accepting but still wanting gay Christians to “don’t ask don’t tell” or to remain celibate and how this felt like progress but in many cases, created more shame.

As a Jesus follower I am so disappointed in those that use their own interpretation of the Bible to shame and spiritually abuse others. Plain and simple- this is spiritual abuse. Jesus said if you cause young people to feel separated from God’s love you might as well tie a millstone around your neck and be drowned in the depth of the sea. I feel this scripture in my bones for all of the queer kids. Millions of queer kids think God’s love is not for them because of those in power.

There is nothing about you that needs to change. You are perfect as you are.

[Jillian B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Raised in the evangelical church, the author of this book did everything he possibly could to try to suppress and change his sexuality. He attended conferences and support groups, asked friends to be his “accountability partners,” and publicly shared his testimony about battling same-sex attraction. The thing is, none of it worked. This story is about his journey to accepting himself as a gay man, and finally flourishing as his true self.

What sets this apart from many similar memoirs is the author’s decision to remain a Christian. As a Christian, I would never fault anyone for turning their back on the faith given the very real harm churches have inflicted on our LGBTQ+ siblings over the years, but it was encouraging to read about someone who was able to grow closer to God by accepting himself. My biggest takeaway from this book is that Christians who are LBTQ+ affirming need to be LOUD about it. There were many disheartening moments in this book that came from churches and Christians being wishy-washy on inclusion. There was a heartbreaking anecdote about a gay Christian couple that actually met at church, and only found out when they asked their pastor to marry them that their church disagreed with gay marriage. There’s also a part where the author admits to the therapist who has been giving him conversion therapy that he’s done trying to change his identity and the therapist is like “oh, that’s cool, I actually believe in gay rights, I was just following this Christian counselling centre’s guidelines.” Like, excuse me?? Think of the trauma that could have been avoided if he acted in line with his values.

This was a really interesting read that will appeal to progressive Christians and anyone deconstructing from an evangelical upbringing. I would also challenge conservative Christians to read this book and try to see through the author’s eyes.

[Sierra · Rating 4 out of 5]

this is such a well written book and i think EVERYONE should read it because the message is even better

[Abby]

It’s so upsetting the shame and humiliation that so many queer people have gone through by being a part of evangelicalism. I’m so glad the author was able to get out and find happiness. I immediately watched the documentary on Netflix, “Pray Away” which was mentioned in the book. I recommend both!

[Micah Spiece · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully crafted memoir. Unlike some of its ilk, this one doesn’t allow itself to get bogged down in theology (apart from some brief references, TSR knows we know the clobber passages all too well, and most of us have reclaimed them with better hermeneutics) nor in trauma. While TSR doesn’t shy away from his trauma, his message of empowerment and hope shine through all the brighter, making this an easy and emotional read. Structurally, his narrative takes the form of self-help over many years of moving, navigating various social groups and professional spheres, and personal revelations; it’s a reminder even to those of us healing from our own religious and psychological horrors that healing is never a single event. Awareness of ourselves comes at the cost of building healthy communities around ourselves, and that can be the hardest work of all. TSR shows us practical, discerning steps of how that process looked for him, and it makes this fabulous memoir stand a cut above the rest.

[Leslie Smittle · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could, I would make this mandatory reading. This book is very well written, but also real and raw in a way that is needed. This book would be especially helpful to Evangelical Christians who have brought so much unnecessary pain into the lives of queer Christians.

[Taylor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some phrases were repeated too often and that drove me kind of crazy. But maybe that’s only someone like me, who copy edits books for a living, will notice and be a little annoyed by. But otherwise, this was heartbreaking and encouraging all the same.

I think the author showed really well just how hard he tried not to have same-sex attraction. The title of this book implies perhaps it was a one-off thing that he tried and then dropped, but that was not the case. He spent eight years trying to “become straight” and it never happened, despite how bad he wanted it to. And why did he want it to happen? Because this is what the church teaches. And why does the church teach this?

I’m not really not sure. I thought maybe while reading this that perhaps sexuality of any kind that doesn’t fit the church’s mold is threatening and something that needs to be controlled and squashed. (Purity culture that I grew up in being the “straight sexuality” issue pressed upon us as women.)

Two of my closest and oldest friends in this world are gay, and thinking about them going through what the author went through brings me to tears. I simply cannot imagine living this way and feeling so trapped with no way out yet wanting to please God and the church based on what they say.

I’m so glad the author feels affirmed, accepted, and loved just as he is. Because it’s true. Every human is fearfully and wonderfully made, not just straight people.

[Melissa Grennan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was so impressed with the author’s dedication to Christianity despite his traumatic experiences with conversion therapy. This was enlightening and easy to read.

[Eddie Brennan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the opportunity to read the working copy of this last year and I was instantly brought into a world I was privileged to not experience. This is the largest subculture I think our country has, funneling billions of dollars from Christian rock mega churches into literal psychological warfare on queer people. Interesting story, engaging writing, and a beautiful message.

[Lily Bishop · Rating 5 out of 5]

Impossible not to give 5 stars when I got to hear from the author himself last weekend in Chicago! This book was extra special because of how prominently Chicago is featured, including a church I used to go to 👀 if anybody wants to read this, you can borrow it from me!

[Kiera LeBlanc · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such an amazing memoir. I could not imagine growing up queer in a religious landscape like this and how difficult it must be. It's hard to believe that conversion therapy and these ideologies are still taking place today.

[Mary Clare · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wholeheartedly enjoyed this book! It was very enlightening to hear about his journey through such complex and layered experiences. It was really cool to hear the Chicago connections in this book, and think about how a lot of this occurred in my backyard. It was really heartwarming and I would for sure recommend. Loved listening on Audible.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was exceptionally well written. It's an inspiring story of growing up gay in a faith that still doesn't know what to do with people who don't fit their mold. He spent most of his life trying to change who he was before finding radical acceptance and community.

I appreciated his willingness to grapple with how he also contributed to the issues through his work before finally saying enough was enough. Great read and great introspection from the author.

Consumed via audio. The authors self narration was also incredibly well done.

[Bethany Hall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Truly think everyone should read this. Find the compassion in your heart. And f*ck conversion “therapy”

[Hannah Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book healed me.

[Allena · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a story! The author went through so much and I am so glad he made it through to share the harm conversion therapy and the evangelical church have caused. Beautifully written.

[Lisette · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t cry during many books but this one got me

[Alison Schneider · Rating 4 out of 5]

*As with all biographies, rating is not related to their story.*
I couldn’t put this down. As someone who also spent a chunk of their childhood in the evangelical church space, this hit hard. I’m so thankful to have read Tim’s story. It was honest and heartbreaking. I’m so happy that he is a “dropout” and is living his authentic life.

[Joänna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although I'm thankful Tim chose to share his story, the conclusion of this book left me wanting more and struggling to reconcile his duality as both a victim and perpetrator of evangelical harm. On the one hand, he was so abused and closeted by his upbringing and conversion therapy he couldn't break free for a long time. I get that, it is hard! The oppression he went through shaped his core identity development. And yet, once he had finally broken free and recognized the harms of conversion therapy, he kept returning to the spaces perpetuating the harm onto others. Even by the end of the book it didn't seem as if Tim was aware that by choosing to actively market and push churches/ministries/speakers who oppress, he was part of the oppression. He somehow felt peace that if they let *him* be himself it was okay to support their oppression of others. That didn't sit well with me. He called out the church's harmful ambiguity without seeing decades of his own. Was this a case of caged bird theory? Possibly! But he had had secular opportunities he didn't pursue. My heart goes out to Tim, but the second half of this book didn't land for me.

[Rachel Howat · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this and felt so guilty that for most of my life, I was a part of the problem. And also very, very happy in our decision to step back and choose our own path.

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel the need to explain myself here because of the nature of this book. I recognize that a large part of my problem with it is a "me" thing because I'm an atheist and have no faith whatsoever, though I can certainly understand the sense of community and belonging that a religion can bring to a person. That said, I found myself so annoyed that the author continued to join and work for new churches and was shocked every. single. time. that they were unaccepting of queer people. It's like he just kept repeatedly stepping on rakes and couldn't understand why he kept being hurt. I know there are queer-affirming churches out there, and he spends no small amount of space in the book talking about them! But he's coy about his politics except for a few telling moments when he mentions not wanting to join the more affirming churches because they're too "liberal." And I get it: he was raised in a conservative, hateful religion, and was still unpacking all of that and figuring out where he stood, but yikes. He tries to toe some apolitical line but the more he avoids any discussion of politics, the more glaring of an omission it is. Which is why I think this is really only a book meant for cisgender gay men, specifically religious ones. He'll make vague gestures to "queer people" or "LGBTQ people" but it's pretty clear he's not actually taking any of us into consideration. It's hard to discuss your privilege in any piece of writing and not have it come across as performative, but the utter lack of any acknowledgment that he's got it, relatively, pretty good, is stunning.

The first half of this book was genuinely interesting. The cognitive dissonance required to choose to enter conversion therapy is fascinating. The fact that he attended retreats and conferences in addition to talk therapy for so many years is something worth exploring. But he quits about halfway through the book and the rest of it is just him making the same dumb choices over and over. I get that we need the narrative arc and some sort of closure after he leaves, but I was so bored in the back half. It should have been heavily condensed and his motivations for making the same choice repeatedly should have been excavated.

The book is also filled with cliches and trite gestures toward profundity; messages along the lines of, "We all deserve to be accepted for who we are" and "We should be loved for our whole selves." Which is great and I agree, but it's also not good writing, and pretty obvious to anyone who's existed in queer spaces for any amount of time whatsoever. It's like this book is the primer for someone in his exact situation: someone raised in a homophobic religion, learning he is gay, and choosing to stay in that religion anyway. That or the book is intended for the exact people who will never be receptive to its message no matter how spoon-fed it is to them: the evangelical homophobes he so desperately wants to be in community with.

I recognize that I'm being a little combative here and I don't actually think he should leave religion altogether, but if you're actively choosing not to attend the affirming churches, you don't get to be upset when people won't let you work with them unless you agree to be celibate. But his veiled references to how much money these places were giving him make it pretty evident why he kept making that choice.

[Camila Vasquez · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written and told memoir about self-acceptance, finding community and religious intersectionality. It is not the stigmatized version of conversion therapy but gives insight on how modern conversion therapy looks as of the early 2000s-2010s. It is a must read if you are an ally, queer person, or simply looking for a new perspective/ understanding of how damaging conversion therapy is and how much gay affirming religious spaces are needed and can/should coexist no matter your sexuality/gender-identity. Schrader-Rodriguez no doubt sheds an important light on how queerness and Christianity can be one. Love on another, Be an ally, be a friend, be unapologetically proud of who you are.

[Anthony · Rating 4 out of 5]

I began this book with a set of expectations of how it would play out. However, it was completely different, in a good way. Timothy tells the story of his life and his struggle with his sexuality, eventually turning to voluntary conversion therapy. I am really glad I was able to get an advanced copy (now released!) because I found it pretty insightful as someone who is not connected to any church or religion.

I felt it dragged a little in the middle where things weren’t really moving too much and I wanted him to just break free… but it makes total sense since this is being viewed through a 2026 lens.

I really hope his story can help those struggling with similar feelings.

4 Stars

[Imke]

BEAUTIFUL

Got (very) teary eyed at the end. I am not in any way a believer, but I do very much appreciate the way the author has been able to find his own love from and for his God. It's incredible how resilient and resourceful his journey has been. Truly an amazing book to read and story to hear

[Kathy Wray · Rating 3 out of 5]

I know several adults that experienced conversion therapy and pray the gay away during their teen and young adult years because their parents could not accept their sexuality. The title of this book really intrigued me as I was curious and ready to learn more about the author’s experience with conversion therapy and his Christian experience. What this book offers is more of an overview of his life experience living as a gay man unable to find the benefit of conversion therapy and how he tries multiple jobs with digital marketing for churches. While that part of his story is intriguing, I still wanted more which may be my issue as the reader.

[Abram Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a good reminder why conversion therapy isn't just a practice that doesn't work , but actively harmful . While I don't hold to affirming theology as the author does, there is so much in this story I can relate to.

[Chris Barnhouse · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5⭐️

[Rachel Pollock · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was not raised with devout religion like the author of this memoir, and I don’t typically read memoirs. And yet, this will probably be on my Best-of list for the year.

[Gretchen]

Important stories that the church needs to listen to

[Dan Oliva · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very meaningful book. I wish my Evangelical friends would read this book, i think it would help cultivate some empathy.