Today I'm just a lonely man, but tomorrow I'll be a king / Blessing all my subjects, cast afar insecurities / The whole wide world will watch me, as I walk up to my throne / Knights in shining armor, stand around to heed my call (Why Have I Lost You – Cameo).
Wait, let me get my bearings straight for a second, because I think this is the first time I’ve talked about Game of Thrones while reviewing a Game of Thrones book (I like calling the entire series “Game of Thrones" because I know it annoys someone out there). We’re in uncharted territory now! No but really, I think the reason why I’m always talking shit on the sidelines is because I remember all too well the rabid anger and sense of superiority that the book fans would often showcase while the original show was airing, and because I never want to draw their ire myself, I’ve always treated ASOIAF fans as if they’re a hungry pack of hyenas and I’ve just failed at overthrowing Pride Rock. Anyway, let’s talk about The Hedge Knight, a spin-off of the original series that George R.R. Martin started writing because he wanted to find a way to do literally anything except finish the main story! Okay, that was a low blow, a cheap shot, if you will, but as someone who has stopped being emotionally invested in this world after the botched ending to the main show, I find the widening gap between book releases incredibly funny… like, come on dude, sixteen years to write a book? Be for real. I’m just saying, I’m no diehard fan, but as someone who has read a few books by the guy now, I'd wager that there are quite a few parts that could easily be edited down. Have you seen pictures of the original Star Wars drafts that was edited by Marcia Lucas? It was a beautiful sight because entire pages were crossed out in red marker, and considering how many current stories have become bloated beyond control, I really do think good a editor is a rare breed nowadays! I mean, I’m sure George R.R. Martin has reached a level of fame and status to where nobody would ever dare chop up his beloved books, but I’m just saying that all the best stories, from movies to literature, have a strong editor behind them. I've heard Quentin Tarantino lost his longtime editor somewhere around the start of the 2010’s, and if you look at every one of his movies made since then, everything becomes so~oo clear! Anyway, let’s talk about The Hedge Knight, a spin-off of the original series that George R.R. Martin started writing because he wanted to find a way to do literally anything except finish the main story!
We follow a big oaf named Dunk who has just lost the only father figure he had ever known, and in deciding to become a knight and take part in the tourney to make some serious coin, he meets a boy with a shaved head who goes by Egg. After deciding to let this bald ass Avatar: the Last Airbender kid become his squire, the rest of their story oscillates between a light-hearted romp where Dunk's carrying Egg on his shoulders Freak the Mighty style and serious morality plays featuring discussions on what it is to be a true knight. What the true heart of the hero looks like or whatever. It’s a common motif in the original series as well, with The Hound (Sandor Clegane) and his brother, The Mountain, being the most commonly used example of the hypocrisy surrounding the ideal image of a heroic knight and what would (presumably) actually happen when you give men with a propensity for violence impunity to act out in any way they can. I mean, I appreciated The Hedge Knights’ lighter tone than is generally seen in this universe, and honestly, the only reason why I even gave this a read was because I was told that it wasn’t as dire and oppressively depressing as The House of Dragon or the original Game of Thrones, nevertheless, I wouldn’t exactly call this a cake walk. For one, I assume we’re supposed to be charmed by Dunk’s common folk background and his simple, yet humble nature, but I hated how many times he would try to convince us of how good a person he was simply because he didn't hit Egg at any point in the story. It felt a little forced, you know? Like George R.R. Martin himself was reaching into the story and trying to reinforce the idea that this kind of violence was typical “back in those days” (days that didn’t exist, mind you, this is a fantasy world), and it just had me thinking that if Dunk were really a fine bloke, then these thoughts wouldn’t have entered his mind in the first place. Which is odd that this was even an issue with me because I was immediately on board with Ned Stark from the start (both in the show and the book), so I know George R.R. Martin is capable of writing an honest and true person without adding his trademarked cynicism!
In fact, the best part of The Hedge Knight was the dynamic between Dunk and Egg (as was to be expected), and even though the novel centers around their blossoming brotherly relationship, their interactions still felt far and in-between massive swaths of descriptive text. I mean, I speak with some experience, but damn does this man enjoy a wall of text, doesn’t he? I know a lot of people love his loquaciousness, but as someone whose favorite parts of the original story were the dialogue scenes featuring characters like Tyrion, Tywin, and Olenna Tyrell especially, I’ve got to say it was a little disappointing to have to wade through all the fluff just to get to the good stuff. Sure, I know this complaint makes me sound super anti-intellectual or whatever, but I’m just saying… do I really need to know what everyone’s sigil or flag or emblem looks like!? Especially considering this book is only eighty or so pages, and it just makes me wonder whether or not Dunk, the character Dunk, would actually care about any of this stuff, or if it’s just George R.R. Martin doing his normal thing where his excessive prose sounds more like a tour guide at a poorly attended museum rather than someone telling a captivating story. And who knows, maybe that’s the way fans like it? I mean, people always talk about A Song of Ice and Fire through a list of facts as if these are real historical facts they’re presenting, and it’s like… do you want to read a book with a narrative, or are we just going to go through a list of events in chronological order as if we’re reading T.V. Tropes. I'm being negative, I know, sometimes I wish I were able to read these books long before the show even existed, because the truth is that my opinion on the Game of Thrones property has soured so much that I treat any new installment in the universe with active hostility. People are always saying The House of the Dragon fell off (including Georgie himself), but I only ever watched the first episode where that one king dude let his wife die during childbirth because he wanted a son, and it just felt like more of the same. I know the defense of this “dark and grim” style of writing is always that it’s representative of “those times”, but I’ve already watched eight seasons of the original show, so I’m just over it, you know?
“All men are fools, and all men are knights.”
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the world sucked then and it sucks now, we're all aware, now can we say a new thing now? I’m not trying to say that every story needs to be sunflowers and roses, but there’s a very specific meanness and cruelty to George R.R. Martin’s writing that tends to attract the worst kind of insufferable cross-armed dude at the book club, and I’m just a little exhausted of talking about the land of Westeros and all of its horrors. It's funny because when I heard they were making a show called Knight of the Seven Kingdoms (based on these Dunk & Egg stories) and that it was another prequel to Game of Thrones, my immediate thought was, “why the fuck would I want to watch that?" House of Dragons itself failed to capture my attention because they kept alluding to the White Walker threat and it's like... we already saw that in the main show? It turned out that the danger wasn't as world ending as the prophecies foretold, funny how things work out. I know that most of my anger should be directed at D&D, the creators of the show adaption, but you know what? If George had just finished the books in a timely manner, then they wouldn’t have been able to ruin the hell out of his story in the first place, now would they? And look, I know people love to say that authors don’t owe anybody anything or whatever, but here's my controversial opinion: I think they do. Sorry, but the relationship between author and reader does become symbiotic at some point, and if you start a series, then the sad fact is that at the very least you owe your loyal readers, the people who go out and buy all these books, something! It shouldn’t take thirty years to write seven books, and there’s no excuse that can convince me otherwise. Of course, on the flip side, I’m totally not in the same camp as those supposed Song of Ice and Fire “fans” that believe with their whole hearts that George R.R. Martin should allow another author to step in and finish the series for him. It's baffling, do these people even like reading!? Are we here because we like A Song of Ice and Fire or not? Why would long term fans of a beloved series want someone else to walk right up and write the definitive ending to one of the most anticipated conclusions in all of fiction!?!? I say this as someone who isn’t even particularly impressed with George R.R. Martin’s prose, but if he isn’t interested in finishing the series, then it’s just going to stay unfinished. I guess some things are best left unsaid.
I was going to move right past the bit where I proudly claimed that I don't love Martin’s writing, but I guess I should probably try to defend myself a little! Don’t get me wrong, I’m filled with contempt for what the show became, but I did really love watching all the fantastic actors breathe life into George R.R. Martin’s characters simply because, and this will be really controversial, but I’ve always found his style to be somewhat dull and meandering. From what I’ve read of his (this book and the first Game of Thrones book), it almost always felt like he was more interested in creating fantasy worlds and lore than he was writing the stories featured in those fantasy worlds. Well, maybe that’s not fair, because I don’t think anybody can deny how masterfully done his more clever plots come together, but sometimes the impact is lessened by his near constant penchant for needless bloat. Martin doesn’t so much paint a picture as he does list out its properties to you in a droning HAL 9000 inflection that has the same grasp for flair as reading a grocery list. Anyway, I kind of liked this book, but it wasn’t really the transcendent story from this universe that I was originally hoping for. I think it’s to the point where I’ve gotten all that I can really get from ASOIAF, because it’s really hard for me to fight the thought that we're just rehashing the same points over and over again. Sure, The Hedge Knight is technically lighter comparatively to every other installment in the series, but there’s still a cynical edge to it that gives the tone an almost juvenile appeal to it. Like, the only person that could really enjoy the messaging to its fullest extent is someone whose mental age never passed the age of fifteen. The Zack Snyder approach to storytelling, if you will. Okay, that was out of pocket, but even the big climactic scene where Dunk defends his crush against the evil prince Aerion felt like something conjured up out of the lonely male’s fantasy. And while there’s nothing wrong with wish-fulfillment in stories, it’s a bit rich coming from the “subverting expectations” writer who became famous for writing a “realistic take” on Lord of the Rings. Also, how come it’s always female characters and queer characters who always face the brunt of George R.R. Martin’s realism? Why is his idea of realism for marginalized groups always the most horrific violence and humiliation he can think of? And why are all the Targaryens so pretty? If we're stuck on realism, then let's take a gander at the real royal family, they certainly don't have beautiful purple eyes, that's for sure. Instead they're all out here looking like rejects from The Hills Have Eyes. Just a few things to think about.
Besides, just knowing the conventions of George R.R. Martin's work and his interest in punishing characters who are morally good in the name of “subversion”, I found Dunk's more heroic acts thoroughly unmoving. I'm just wondering when the other shoe will drop? We all know it will, I’m fresh to your tricks, Martin! Really though, I always find it interesting because whenever an author goes out of their way to surprise readers, to "win" against them and prove themselves the smartest in the land, they always ironically end up being predictable in their haste to, and say it with me now, subvert expectations! And George R.R. Martin is no different in this regard, as he always loves to write his little “gotcha” moments so the audience doesn’t get too comfortable. Why do you think that corny ass quote from the show, “If you think this story had a happy ending, then you haven't been paying attention” became so widespread? It’s because he writes his stories for the kind of people who think it's so unique and different to make every story have bad things happen instead of good things. Woah, some real groundbreaking stuff here, really flipped the whole chess board around, my guy. Besides, men in general just love writing stories that allow them to play out the violent daydreams in their heads. They dream up these made up scenarios where terrible things happen to their loved ones so they can be justified in their outbursts. The Nobody and John Wick movies, Oberyn Martell’s entire arc during Game of Thrones, Dunk going beast mode on the evil prince to defend his girl, none of these stories are about the people getting hurt, or the systemic failure that would allow such pain to be inflicted without repercussions, they’re just here to adhere to the male fantasy of acting out under the guise of “protecting what’s theirs.” Of course, all of this is just my opinion (this is my way of throwing a stick of meat in the other direction to throw the starving hyenas off my scent). So yeah, this was alright. I don’t know if I’ll continue the series, but it’s not like I'm running out of time, now am I? My understanding is that Dunk & Egg is yet another unfinished work of George R.R. Martin, so if we go by the release schedule of ASOIAF, then I’d say I have at least a hundred years to catch up! Anyway, if nothing else, George R.R. Martin does know how to craft an intriguing narrative, and even if you have to sift through hundreds of monotonous details in order to find it, it's worth it. Probably, I don't know.
But wait a minute, I'm still lonely / I guess anyone can dream, but when you lose someone it seems / So unimportant, al~though every person changes / Different times and different ways, but never all the same.