A Friend in Me: How to Be a Safe Haven for Other Women

by Pamela Havey Lau

Young women long for relational connection with women further ahead of them on the journey. Yet, without realizing it, many of us tend to distance ourselves from those in younger generations. Can we really have close relationships with women who have different thoughts on church, different experiences with family, and different ways of talking about God? Where do we start?

In A Friend in Me , Pam Lau shows you how to be a safe place for the younger women in your life. She offers five patterns women need to internalize and practice for initiating relationships and talking about issues such as faith, forgiveness, sexuality, and vocation. Most significantly, she reminds you that there doesn’t need to be a divide between generations of women. Together, we can have a global impact—and experience a deeper faith than we’ve ever known.

Genres: Christian

208 pages, Paperback

First published June 1, 2015

About the author

Pam Lau was born in Mount Laurel, New Jersey, to first generation Christian parents; her mother was Jewish and converted to Christianity as an adult. Pam taught writing for almost 20 years at the college level in Kansas, Pennsylvania and Oregon. After her three daughters were born, she published Soul Strength and taught writing at private day schools until 2010 when she started her own business, Real Life Real Image where she writes, edits and speaks. Pam is married to Dr. Brad Lau, a college administrator.

Reviews

[Tiffany DeOs · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have always had a heart for mentoring and getting more women of the older and younger generations connected with each other. This obsession started with some teaching by Donna Otto of Homemakers by Choice and her exegesis of Titus 2. To this day it is still a huge desire of my heart to see more Godly older women helping those of the younger generation, and really anyone can fit in those categories. There is always someone younger than you to mentor and older than you to have mentor you. Anyway, I was excited to see this book come up for review because of my passion for the topic. A Friend in Me is a book made to help us learn how to be a safe haven for other women. It teaches you how to become more accessible and for others to feel safe sharing the deep dark secrets that they need a more Godly women to help them walk through. This book had many moments that made me stop and pray about whether I was the type of women that I wanted to be. That being said it was a bit difficult to read at times. The writing felt disjointed in places and random. I think it could have used a couple more edits and good transitions to help it read easier. There were also several times when she would be trying to let you know of a real life example of what she was talking about but instead of feeling personal it just felt disjointed and left you wondering who in the world this person was. She would just mention someone's name like you knew who they were, what they did, and why it was important. Like I said, this book does have lots of great jewels in it I just feel those jewels needed a bit more polish. However, I would still recommend it if you are wanting to learn how to be the type of women that a younger women could trust and confide in.

I received a free copy of this product from Litfuse in exchange for my honest review. I was not required to write a positive review nor was I compensated in any other way. All opinions I have expressed are my own or those of my family. I am disclosing this in accordance with the FTC Regulations.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pamela's intentions for this book is help connect younger women, those in their twenties and thirties and to older women to help foster mentor relationship through difficult life challenges. I can appreciate the approach and wisdom this book has to offer "In a Friend in Me." However, there were many things about this book that disappointed me and I did not agree with. I was disappointed with the approach in chapter two where I felt that the author was manipulative in a situation where she borderline made someone open up to her who may have felt uncomfortable (pg 44). However, the person did open up and maybe that was the push the individual needed, but it seemed manipulative to say " If you can't tell me the truth, we can't be close friends." On the next page she goes on to say our tone can make or break a conversation, which is an interesting juxtapose.
Aside from this, I found most of her book to give advice on suffering, how to comfort one another, encourage each other, have a deep understanding of each other, how building relationships can take time, compassion and is often difficult along with financial understanding. The book was more about giving knowledge and advice, which I found to be helpful as a twenty something. Overall, this book has some great conversations and discussion pieces between young women and older women who want to foster deeper relationships. I think it has a lot of sound advice and could be great for those looking to have mentor relationships.

[Jeanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

As women created by God, we are created to come alongside others in our friendships and with our spouses. This study is about friendships and in particular women’s friendships. Coming alongside has been a lost art. It takes commitment and time and a denying of ourselves with our pride, impatience and at times our narcissism.

Are you the type that likes to fix people? Are you overwhelmed with all that you have to do? I appreciated how this study helped addressed this issue because my daughters could tell you that I get in “I know how to fix” this mode when all they need me to do is listen. This book addresses many cultural issues that can help you to build friendships and not tear down those that need the love of God.

It is in friendships and coming alongside others is where we will begin to see changes in our hearts towards others and in ourselves. It is in the acts of kindness and mercy where others grow and we become a safe haven. It is not the quantity of friends but the quality of our friendships. It is in serving others with mercy and kindness that we decrease and Christ increases.

If Pamela Havey Lau comes to speak, I would encourage you to attend and in the meantime, this study would be a great start in building a friend in you.

A Special Thank you to David C. Cook and Netgalley for ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.

[Tima · Rating 2 out of 5]

Young women long for the friendship and mentoring of older women. They want a sense of community that has been missing from our friendships. But older women have begun to distance themselves from the younger women. The author has written the book to encourage and inspire older women to form friendships and become mentors to the younger women in their lives.

I was anticipating a book with steps to creating lasting friendships with women who were not in my age group. But the book was more about the thoughts on WHY women should have friendships with people who can mentor them and encouraging older women to find someone to mentor. The stories interspersed throughout the book helped move the chapters along, but for me it wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. There will be women who will benefit from thinking about the thoughts presented in this book so I do think it has a place, it just wasn't for me.

I received this book free of charge from Litfuse Publicity in exchange for my honest review.

[Annie Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some say loneliness is an inevitable part of living in a sin-drenched world, and there is a measure of truth in that. On the other hand, Christians should be there for the lonely, for those who are struggling and need someone to hear their hearts. This should be especially true in the church where no one should be living ‘uncomforted under the pressure of sickness, loneliness, and poverty,’ and ideally we would have time and energy to reach out to everyone around us.

Of course that is easy to say, but doing so wisely and well is a different matter. It involves everything from being careful about our use of time to learning how to love others. Fundamentally, it involves learning how to be a safe place for others, and this is what Pamela Havey Lau writes about in her book A Friend in Me: how to be a safe haven for other women.

You can read the rest of my long review at: http://anniekateshomeschoolreviews.co...

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

A sweet book filled with anecdotes and practical advice on how to relate to younger women in faith relationships. Mainly focused on setting aside preconceived notions and presumptions, and releasing others from expectations you may have from the way you were raised. To relate to different generation demands understanding and not the imposition of your own ways of doing things. A good reminder on how empowering the next generation isn't about you, or even about them, but letting God have space to move in your lives and relationships.

[Letitia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I was drawn to it as soon as I saw the blurb and it did not disappoint. This is an excellent guide for any woman who wants to impart to the next generation. Heartfelt stories, direct conversations, Biblical instructions and more left me feeling more equipped to not just befriend younger women but to pour my heart into them. I will be recommending this excellent book to my circle of friends.

[Jacquie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book. It was filled with lots of practical encouragement. However, I would have liked to see more connections to Scripture. It could have easily been done encouraging women to continue to build their own relationship with the Father in order to pour out into others. There could have been connections to 1 Corinthians 13 or Titus made. Otherwise, like I said, the book offered practical advice and encouragement.

[Tahna Cody · Rating 5 out of 5]

Being a Safe Haven

Reading this book has clarified some beliefs I already had and shown me some new perspectives. I think Lau puts into words the need we have in the church to truly reach out to other women. Safe Haven is an evocative term that I can use to explain the need I have and believe others have as well to have friends who care and listen and don’t judge and give space to grow up spiritually in a safe and loving environment.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

The subtitle of this book caught my attention immediately: "How To Be a Safe Haven For Other Women." I have been blessed with those who have been safe havens for me, and my desire as a sister, teacher, and friend myself is to develop relationships that would foster safety and closeness. I was hoping that this book would be helpful in encouraging me or showing me other ways to open doors with the women in my life.

Unfortunately from the second chapter I got a vibe that I just couldn't shake for the rest of the book. The author describes how she was at church one Sunday and could tell something was wrong with a friend, but when she asked about the problem the friend didn't want to say what was going on. So the author told her, "If you can't tell me the truth, we can't be close friends" (page 44). Say what? That is a very emotionally manipulative statement and not the kind of thing that we should be promoting as good communication. Any sign of manipulation is a huge red flag for me, and I wanted to stop reading the book right then and there.

I was also disappointed with the content in the fact that there wasn't much besides common sense in how to form close relationships. Live well ourselves, be forgiving, be vulnerable, don't try to fix people but encourage them where they are. All fellow Christians need encouragement, and as women we can do much to help our sisters in Christ along the way.

There were some quotes that I really thought were good. "As adults, we can't expect others to read our minds, so we must name our grief out loud. This is not a sign of weakness, but of humility" (page 81). I often struggle with speaking my personal pain and inviting others to share it with me. Learning to ask for help when you have a caretaker personality is an ongoing process. I also really liked this thought from page 181: "I believe the more you and I know for ourselves God's loyal love in the depths of ourselves, the more able we will be to model and teach it to others." That is so good!

My very favorite quote came from Chapter Four: "Women who are comforted can comfort others." Let us each seek to look to God for His comfort, embrace those He has placed around us for community, and in turn be bastions of safety and hope for those around us.

I received my copy of the book from LitFuse Publicity in exchange for this honest review. All opinions are my own.

This review originated at http://reviewsbyerin.livejournal.com

[Neysa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good morning book nerds! It's a fabulous Friday, and today I am talking about Pamela Havey Lau's book A Friend in Me. This is a book that focuses on bridging the generational gap between young women, and older women of the Christian faith.

I must say that in starting this book, I was quite skeptical. As a young women in the church, I have heard many spoken ideas on generational mentorship, but have not seen much action (other than my mother and mother-in-law with me—they break the mold). So, I came to this with an idea of what I was going to get, and was pleasantly surprised that what I got exceeded my expectations immensely.

IMG_8245Lau's voice is clear, and her passion for this generational connection is a hungry sort of authorship. She hits both generations problems with the other beautifully, and more than that—accurately. She doesn't just scold the younger generation for a lack of respect and morality, and she doesn't just praise older women for the moral high ground and maturity. I also would 100 percent agree with her that the younger women long to connect on a very personal level without the fear of being a huge disappointment to those of the older generations.

She addresses the phantom closeness that social media provides for those of BOTH generations, and the need for us to truly connect. Social media provides such a false sense of relationship, when most of us are lonelier than ever. She addresses judgment, humility, and other barriers that inhibit genuine relationship.

BUT what I love the most is two things: First, she is genuine. She is from the gate an honest author that shares personal experience verses lofty ideas or conjectures. Second, she provides practical solutions! PRAISE JESUS! There are easy to understand truths, and achievable actions to follow in gaining safety in generational relationships.

She addresses tone of voice, forgiveness, praying with pure motives, getting help when we don't understand the situation fully, prayer, and divine comfort. Her premise from the beginning is to show "Christ's extraordinary love," and to do that by the way we chose to "change the way we are relating."

Lovely read people. I would encourage anyone (spiritually young or old) to read this, and ask God to help you have an open heart. How can we relate? How can we bridge this gap?

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:3-5 ESV

As I begin this review, I want us to keep in mind that the older women are to teach or train those younger than us how to be godly women. In a Friend in Me, Pam takes a look at what us women can do for each other – it seems there is a chasm in the church today between the older women and the younger, we don’t mingle or if we do it’s merely superficial. How are the younger ladies to learn if we don’t do more than scratch the surface? Pam gives readers ideas of how to really learn from one another, in some ways I’m the older woman, I can teach the younger ones how to have a godly marriage and refrain from making the mistakes I did but on the other hand I’m the younger woman too, navigating the roads of widowhood with young children. We need to come alongside each other and listen and teach and help.

There is a whole section on talking about sexuality with women, and honestly that isn’t something I’m comfortable talking about with a woman or I don’t know well – especially when things today are fraught with confusing messages that women can be men, men can be women, being homosexual isn’t a sin and so on. I also wouldn’t want another woman discussing these issues with my daughters, and that is why I leave lines of communication open at home so I can be the older woman teaching the younger. Overall though I really enjoyed this book and I think it would be great to lead a study on it for those in my church, there is much more that needs to be done for women in the church – especially when our society has become so adept at blurring those lines and A Friend in Me makes me want to be more available to the women in my church.

**I was provided a copy of this book from Litfuse Publicity in exchange for my honest opinion, no other compensation was given.

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disclosure: I received A Friend In Me: How to Be a Safe Haven for Other Women by Pamela Havey Lau complimentary from Litfuse. Provided I give an honest review.

Has anyone ever had a mentor growing up, or even a mentor now? I have never fully felt I have ever had a mentor. You know, woman (or man if you are male) that is older than you, whom you feel you can call anytime for anything? Someone who has been through life struggles that are similar or the same of what you are going through at the moment. I have always truly wanted that christian woman in my life as a friend/mentor. There are a lot of things I have questions about with life/bible/etc, and it would be nice to talk with someone who has experience.

What I am explaining is the subject of the recent book I have read called A Friend In Me by Pamela Havey Lau. It is a great book for anyone to read. She talks about how we should all have an older friend who can be our mentor to helps us through certain struggles in life. Yes, we have God who helps us, but he also want's us to come together and help each other. Life can be extremely hard without friends. Lau wonderfully explains in her book about how we should also be friends/mentors for people younger then our own age. She describes how we should go about talking and listening to them in those certain areas they are have issues with. Which is great to learn about! I hope to be able to have that christian mentor I can talk to about anything soon. Because I would love to learn from them, so I can soon help someone who is younger then me with whatever they are dealing with. A lot of times we all go through similar issues, so why not help each other out? I believe that this is a start at making the world better. Giving people encouragement, wisdom, and prayers, will help us all. If this sounds like something y'all are interested in reading, then hurry up and purchase it! There is wonderful information in it.

[Create With Joy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A Friend In Me - How To Be A Safe Haven For Other Women examines the rewards of developing friendships with women from different generations in the context of an informal Christian mentoring relationship!

If you are under forty, Pamela encourages you to seek out the experience of a wise woman who is growing in Christ to help mentor and guide you through life - to listen and be a sounding board for your hopes, dreams and accomplishments.

If you are over forty, Pamela encourages you to grow in your capacity to be a safe haven that young women can turn to when they need friendship, guidance and counsel.

To do this, Pamela suggests that you embrace five life-giving patterns found in Psalm 119. She also shares how to comfortably initiate relations so that you can talk to others about key issues.

What I like most about A Friend In Me are the personal stories that the author shares and the call for authenticity in relationships.

If you pick up this book looking for guidance on developing traditional friendships with your peers - which are distinct from the mentoring relationships that Pamela emphasizes throughout this book - you might not feel the book meets your needs, although you can still benefit from much of the information that Pamela provides.

However, A Friend In Me is a highly relevant book on mentoring that will particularly be of interest to those involved in women's ministry!

To read this review in its entirety, visit Create With Joy.

Disclosure: I received a copy of this book from the publisher for review purposes. However, the opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own.

[Julie D. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is about friendships between women. This book really focused on older women mentoring younger women, especially in the church.

The author has some good thoughts about relationships between women. She discusses tone of voice, to be open with other women, and not to be so judgmental. She shares that younger women are looking for older women to mentor them and be there for them.

Although this was a good book, I was a little disappointed that it was pretty much all about the relationship of mentoring between older and younger women. I also thought she was slightly judgmental about the older women, making them feel responsible if the mentoring relationship doesn't go well. I believe that older women want to be good mentors for the younger women, but it doesn't always go as smoothly as the author would have you believe with the younger women.

I would have loved for this book to be more about the friendship between women in general. Not so much of the mentoring relationship. Although I did get quite a bit out of this book, I was rather disappointed that it didn't get into women's friendship over all. I liked the mentoring aspect, but I really wanted it to cover all friendships.

This book would be especially helpful for women in leadership or counseling at church. For those that are called to mentor, this book would also be helpful. I give this book 3 out of 5 stars.

*This book was provided to me for my honest review by LitFuse Publicity Group

[Crystal Carney · Rating 4 out of 5]

There have only been a few times when I've read a book and I've felt like I was sitting right next to the author having a cup of tea...and now I'm adding this book, "A Friend in Me" by Pamela Havey Lau to that list.

This book revels friendship in a way that I have never considered. Now that I'm older I'm not much of a people person. I have learned how to not depend so much on others, but on Jesus Christ. I admit, in the past I have neglected friendships with my godly female friends. When reading this book I was deeply encouraged to pursue these relationships. I appreciate all of my godly female friends who have been there for me when I needed someone to talk to, vent to and just tell me everything would be okay/


Pamela also addresses some struggles I have faced on my own. Through her words, I have been able to feel healing and acceptance. With each page I read, I felt as if we were sitting out on my patio as I poured my heart out. In each story she tells you are reminder that you are not alone. I plan to pass this book along to my pastor to add to the Church library for other women in the church to be able to read.

I recommend this book to those looking for encouragement.


*Disclaimer*
I received this book free from the publisher in exchange for my honest review. I am not required to write a positive review. All opinions expressed are 100% my own.

[Michelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Have you ever longed to mentor the younger generation of women? Now, more than ever, it's essential. With divorce at an all time high, with believers and unbelievers, we are just too busy with our own lives. Author Pamela Havey Lau has written a book specifically for women, dealing with women's issues upon finishing this book I feel certain the reader will be ready to either be a mentor or a mentee. Remember, it is up to us to seek out who we need. Remember, we cannot give comfort to others unless we have been comforted first.
The topics in this book vary with each chapter. You will find some topics like: Safe Havens, The Power of Comfort, Acting with Understanding... This book was originally written for young women (June 1, 2015)
Author Pamela Havey Lau has done her research on the topics in this book. The book holds knowledge, but is simple enough for all women to understand and read. The reader will learn much from reading the book. I recommend this book to women who want to be either a mentor or mentee.

Reader Beware: There is a chapter on sex.

*I must admit....I basically skimmed the book*

Disclaimer: I received `A Friend in Me` complimentary to review.

[Tima · Rating 2 out of 5]

Young women long for the friendship and mentoring of older women. They want a sense of community that has been missing from our friendships. But older women have begun to distance themselves from the younger women. The author has written the book to encourage and inspire older women to form friendships and become mentors to the younger women in their lives.

I was anticipating a book with steps to creating lasting friendships with women who were not in my age group. But the book was more about the thoughts on WHY women should have friendships with people who can mentor them and encouraging older women to find someone to mentor. The stories interspersed throughout the book helped move the chapters along, but for me it wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. There will be women who will benefit from thinking about the thoughts presented in this book so I do think it has a place, it just wasn't for me.

I received this book free of charge from Litfuse Publicity in exchange for my honest review.

[Penny · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Friend in Me is filled with heart-changing advice every woman should read. So many of us are so busy with day to day life, we forget to seek out help from women who have experienced life. On the other hand so many young ladies aren't sure who to turn to. This book is essential for women who follow Christ and wish to make a difference.

I love the five patterns Pamela points out to encourage women to be a more Christ-like influence on one another. She digs into each one with great examples of women she's mentored or ladies who mentored her. She even delves into areas that are hard to talk about, in a way that brings to light the great need for woman to woman conversations. This is not a work book. It's a heart book that can make a difference to the reader and anyone the reader encounters. I recommend A Friend in Me for a women's Bible study group because it would open faith building conversations.

Disclaimer: I received a free copy of A Friend in Me in exchange for an honest review.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a free copy of this in exchange for writing a review.

As a youth group leader for 14-18 year olds, as well as having a number of younger woman as friends I was really interested to see what advice this book had on how to relate to younger Christians, how to build meaningful and supportive relationships which both encourage and, where necessary, challenge, as well as being accountable to older Christians.

I was blown away by the book. It went through advice based on the author's personal experience and this was interwoven with Biblical principles for relationships. The practical outworking of comfort being shown through the example of Abigail was one which I would not have necessarily thought of myself but was very effective.

This is a book which I will definitely be rereading and making more notes on as I seek to apply some of the principles into the relationships I have

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

My thoughts:

I have lamented to my husband before that I'm not seeing older women mentoring to younger ones in churches. It seems to be something that has fallen away. There is no one to teach the new married brides how to keep their houses or offering bits of parenting advice. As I'm aging(or my children are at least) I find that I now have women coming to me with questions about parenting, diapering, etc. I love that they think I'm a wealth of information but feel so inadequate sometimes. I had my mother for advice but that's about it. No one that I could ask questions of or who would offer bits of advice.

This is a wonderful book that offers wisdom and advice on how to be a mentor and be a friend to women not in your generation. I think women both old and young should read this book and learn how to foster their relationships. A good read and holds some great advice.

[Hope Turner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Litfuse Publicity Group and David C Cook sent me a copy of A Friend in Me: How to Be a Safe Haven for Other Women by Pamela Havey Lau in exchange for an honest review.

There is something refreshing about an older woman sharing her struggles, triumphs, pain, and pleasure with a younger woman. But if you haven't had a mentor step into your own life how do you then offer what you've been missing to a younger woman.

In A Friend in Me: How to Be a Safe Haven for Other Women,Pam Lau lays out the need and importance for mentors. She sets out practical steps to become a woman that younger women can feel safe and confide in. She speaks to the importance on leaning on God for our own support, valuing vulnerability and honesty, modeling compassion, and not allowing any topic to become taboo.

[Andee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pam Lau writes a book about how to be a friend. Do Christian women need this book? After all...aren't Christian women the safest to approach with a problem or the first shoulder we find to lean on? I can't even finish typing that without laughing.

Pam reminds us what it means to be a friend, both in peer relationships and cross-generational mentorships. She reminds us what it means to support people without feeling we need to lecture or admonish. Sometimes, we just need to listen and be present.

I'd recommend this book for discussion among women's groups. It lends itself to conversation and anyone who reads this book will realize women do much better when supporting each other than they do competing with each other. To answer my earlier question: Yes. Christian women need this book.

[Joellen Armstrong · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a must-read for anyone looking to cultivate deeper relationships with other women. It is practical, but always pointing back to our need for God. It is filled with real-life examples and lots of encouragement. The writing is smart, but not difficult, so you'll be able to breeze through it. This book will be a great resource to you, especially if you work with teens or college-aged girls.

[Danae Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

A refreshing read. As a woman who has sought out mentors since junior high and been sought after as a mentor since college, I resonate with, am challenged by, and find blessing in Pam's stories and wisdom. A fantastic resource for women who need courage and practical how-to's for stepping into a mentoring role.

[Nancy]

I didn't really get much from this. I read the whole thing, hoping I would get something insightful or inspirational, but never really did. Oh, well.

[Lesa Engelthaler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Real. I kept saying, "Yes. Yes. This is exactly it, for mentoring next generation leaders! Doing a book discussion on it with women from my church.