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Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions
From a psychotherapist and the New York Times bestselling author of Monkey Mind, a thoughtful, deeply personal exploration of our most difficult emotions, arguing that they are not obstacles to overcome but essential messengers that can lead us toward wisdom and wholeness.
What if the emotions we fight hardest against—anger, shame, envy, regret, jealousy, annoyance, despair—are not enemies to be vanquished but essential guides to self-knowledge?
When two birthday gifts—a centuries-old treatise on melancholy and a book of Bosch’s hellscapes—arrived just months before the birth of Daniel Smith’s second child, he began questioning our culture’s dismissal of difficult feelings and his own lifelong struggle against these so-called “negative” emotions. Moving between intimate personal narrative and rich intellectual exploration, Smith investigates how our relationship with negative emotions has evolved through history—from the Seven Deadly Sins to modern psychology’s sometimes equally damning classifications. He explores what science, psychology, art, and philosophy can and cannot tell us about the nature of emotion itself, challenging conventional wisdom about what our feelings really are and how they function.
With unflinching honesty about his own emotional turbulence and the insights gained from his work as a psychotherapist, Smith makes a compelling case that our negative emotions serve crucial purposes—if only we would listen to what they’re trying to tell us. Whether examining the striking absence of anger among the Inuit or confronting his own emotional inheritance as a new father, Smith offers a perspective that is both deeply humane and surprisingly hopeful.
This book is not so much a guide to banishing difficult feelings, but rather an invitation to wholeness—to feeling everything—and discovering that even our darkest emotions contain intelligence, meaning, and the potential for profound transformation.
What if the emotions we fight hardest against—anger, shame, envy, regret, jealousy, annoyance, despair—are not enemies to be vanquished but essential guides to self-knowledge?
When two birthday gifts—a centuries-old treatise on melancholy and a book of Bosch’s hellscapes—arrived just months before the birth of Daniel Smith’s second child, he began questioning our culture’s dismissal of difficult feelings and his own lifelong struggle against these so-called “negative” emotions. Moving between intimate personal narrative and rich intellectual exploration, Smith investigates how our relationship with negative emotions has evolved through history—from the Seven Deadly Sins to modern psychology’s sometimes equally damning classifications. He explores what science, psychology, art, and philosophy can and cannot tell us about the nature of emotion itself, challenging conventional wisdom about what our feelings really are and how they function.
With unflinching honesty about his own emotional turbulence and the insights gained from his work as a psychotherapist, Smith makes a compelling case that our negative emotions serve crucial purposes—if only we would listen to what they’re trying to tell us. Whether examining the striking absence of anger among the Inuit or confronting his own emotional inheritance as a new father, Smith offers a perspective that is both deeply humane and surprisingly hopeful.
This book is not so much a guide to banishing difficult feelings, but rather an invitation to wholeness—to feeling everything—and discovering that even our darkest emotions contain intelligence, meaning, and the potential for profound transformation.
- GenresNonfictionPsychology
256 pages, Hardcover
Published March 3, 2026
14 people are currently reading
247 people want to read
About the author
Daniel Smith
616 books41 followersLibrarian Note: There are more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
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Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews
March 9, 2026
Daniel Smith shares his own experiences as well as his own "hard feelings" honestly, and with great vulnerability. In his book, looks at those feelings that many of us struggle with and often judge harshly, such as annoyance, shame, envy, boredom, regret, and despair. Certainly I have dealt at different times with all of these and I appreciate hearing another person admitting to them and sharing both the specifics of their experiences as well as putting these feelings into a more general framework.
Smith gives a lot of theoretical information about emotions in general--different definitions and ways of looking at them (religious, therapeutic, etc.). He examines these theories, often disputing them and offering countering examples that raise questions of validity.
However, I was also distracted by all the abstract information. And Smith made assertions which I had difficulty accepting--I do see envy and poisonous--not in its coming up but in a decision to sit with and nurture it. I hated his examples of Peter Thiel and Mark Zuckerberg--I may have misinterpreted Smith's use of them and if so I apologize but they are two people I particularly want to NOT emulate.
The biggest issue I had with the book is that I was drawn to it because of the subtitle "Finding Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions" and I felt that there was not enough attention to that, at least for me. Maybe the problem is that I was looking at this as a kind of self-help book and that was not my experience of it.
Hard Feelings has a lot of wisdom and interesting information. I appreciate Smith's tackling of this difficult subject. I found the book, though, to meander and perhaps be too inclusive so that I had trouble seeing the focus and ultimate meaning of what this book was about.
I was given a copy of this book by LibraryThing.com in exchange for an honest review for which I thank LibraryThing, the publisher, and the author.
Smith gives a lot of theoretical information about emotions in general--different definitions and ways of looking at them (religious, therapeutic, etc.). He examines these theories, often disputing them and offering countering examples that raise questions of validity.
However, I was also distracted by all the abstract information. And Smith made assertions which I had difficulty accepting--I do see envy and poisonous--not in its coming up but in a decision to sit with and nurture it. I hated his examples of Peter Thiel and Mark Zuckerberg--I may have misinterpreted Smith's use of them and if so I apologize but they are two people I particularly want to NOT emulate.
The biggest issue I had with the book is that I was drawn to it because of the subtitle "Finding Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions" and I felt that there was not enough attention to that, at least for me. Maybe the problem is that I was looking at this as a kind of self-help book and that was not my experience of it.
Hard Feelings has a lot of wisdom and interesting information. I appreciate Smith's tackling of this difficult subject. I found the book, though, to meander and perhaps be too inclusive so that I had trouble seeing the focus and ultimate meaning of what this book was about.
I was given a copy of this book by LibraryThing.com in exchange for an honest review for which I thank LibraryThing, the publisher, and the author.
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
My thanks to NetGalley and Simon & Schuster for an advance copy of this book that is both an exploration of the inner life and emotions of a writer, and a guide for others to appreciate more those feeling that we try to deal with, the anger, the regret, the sadness and others that make up our moments, and in a way give us the tenacity and reason to keep striving in life.
I have read numerous books in the self-help genre, money that even with employee discounts might have gone to better forms of therapy, something that I regret, and feel anger about. And annoyance. Emotions that many of these books, from birth order to happiness books have told me so many times are a hindrance in life. Many of these books are like the instructions for owning Gremlins. Don't do this, don't do that, without reasons why these things are important, what can happen, or even how to deal with these emotions if they get out. Push them out of your mind, take up a hobby, find someone that makes you whole. Blah, blah blah. Few look at the emotions we all feel, anger again, envy, boredom, desires and say ok, we all feel this. And maybe your life is different because of it, but not thinking about them, ignoring them or wishing them away, well is no solution. Understanding and working with our own darkness, might make for a better life. In, addition I know of few writers brave enough to expose their own life in such a way. Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions by Daniel Smith is a book about those feelings that people tend to shy away from, but emotions that we all must face, emotions that only get worse if they are ignored, and feelings that might make us what we are in life, human.
The book begins at a birthday party months before the author is going to be a father for the third time. Something that was happy, though filled with the worries of any parent to be. These gifts were books from family members, books that seemed loaded with meanings, meanings that began to bother the author. This was to be the first child, though his third, with his new wife, and the thoughts he had about parenthood previously were not ones he wished to share. As Smith thought about these gifts, Smith began to wonder about negative emotions. Those feelings that the Church would call sins, and that society tended to look down on. Envy, anger, annoyance, boredom, despair, jealousy, even shame. Smith knew there was a book here, but a book that would take quite a while to write. One that caused him to look into himself, and find himself lacking in places. Thoughts about his family, his wife and children. Not going to graduate shool, staying in New York. All those things we think about everyday, that make us down. Smith looks at these emotions, reading philosophy other books on psychology, and calling on his own feelings to share why these emotion might be more defining to who we are than we thought.
The book is both illuminating and disturbing as few like to share their thoughts on things, especially in this more than judgemental society. Especially on things like being a husband, a father, and a man. Smith revels much, and by doing so shows how those nasty thoughts might have made him better at things than he thought. Being a therapist Smith draws on his own training, on his mother's training and lots of research to show how humans have handled certain emotions over the years, how churches frowned on them, certain philosophies came about discussing these emotions and more. Smith does not offer answers, but leaves it to the reader to find the moments in their own life, and shows that if he could look deep, well so can others.
A bit memoir, a lot an exposure that people fell the way we do, and that we are not alone. Smith looks at family pressure, family drama and family damage, social media, and the expectations we set for ourselves. Why sometimes we use emotions to make ourselves hurt. And how we can learn from it. I learned quite a bit, and could not stop flipping pages as I read, glad that someone shared some of my thoughts about the world. Thoughts that might explain more about myself than I thought. I look forward to more books by Daniel Smith.
I have read numerous books in the self-help genre, money that even with employee discounts might have gone to better forms of therapy, something that I regret, and feel anger about. And annoyance. Emotions that many of these books, from birth order to happiness books have told me so many times are a hindrance in life. Many of these books are like the instructions for owning Gremlins. Don't do this, don't do that, without reasons why these things are important, what can happen, or even how to deal with these emotions if they get out. Push them out of your mind, take up a hobby, find someone that makes you whole. Blah, blah blah. Few look at the emotions we all feel, anger again, envy, boredom, desires and say ok, we all feel this. And maybe your life is different because of it, but not thinking about them, ignoring them or wishing them away, well is no solution. Understanding and working with our own darkness, might make for a better life. In, addition I know of few writers brave enough to expose their own life in such a way. Hard Feelings: Finding the Wisdom in Our Darkest Emotions by Daniel Smith is a book about those feelings that people tend to shy away from, but emotions that we all must face, emotions that only get worse if they are ignored, and feelings that might make us what we are in life, human.
The book begins at a birthday party months before the author is going to be a father for the third time. Something that was happy, though filled with the worries of any parent to be. These gifts were books from family members, books that seemed loaded with meanings, meanings that began to bother the author. This was to be the first child, though his third, with his new wife, and the thoughts he had about parenthood previously were not ones he wished to share. As Smith thought about these gifts, Smith began to wonder about negative emotions. Those feelings that the Church would call sins, and that society tended to look down on. Envy, anger, annoyance, boredom, despair, jealousy, even shame. Smith knew there was a book here, but a book that would take quite a while to write. One that caused him to look into himself, and find himself lacking in places. Thoughts about his family, his wife and children. Not going to graduate shool, staying in New York. All those things we think about everyday, that make us down. Smith looks at these emotions, reading philosophy other books on psychology, and calling on his own feelings to share why these emotion might be more defining to who we are than we thought.
The book is both illuminating and disturbing as few like to share their thoughts on things, especially in this more than judgemental society. Especially on things like being a husband, a father, and a man. Smith revels much, and by doing so shows how those nasty thoughts might have made him better at things than he thought. Being a therapist Smith draws on his own training, on his mother's training and lots of research to show how humans have handled certain emotions over the years, how churches frowned on them, certain philosophies came about discussing these emotions and more. Smith does not offer answers, but leaves it to the reader to find the moments in their own life, and shows that if he could look deep, well so can others.
A bit memoir, a lot an exposure that people fell the way we do, and that we are not alone. Smith looks at family pressure, family drama and family damage, social media, and the expectations we set for ourselves. Why sometimes we use emotions to make ourselves hurt. And how we can learn from it. I learned quite a bit, and could not stop flipping pages as I read, glad that someone shared some of my thoughts about the world. Thoughts that might explain more about myself than I thought. I look forward to more books by Daniel Smith.
March 19, 2026
Hard Feelings devotes an entire chapter to each emotion, such as annoyance, shame, envy, boredom, regret, and despair. Author Daniel Smith, a psychotherapist, describes his own journey in dealing with these emotions in his own life, and while the reader may find these stories amusing at first and even helpful, as they illustrate the points he is making in the narrative, by the end of the book, we've become somewhat tired of it all. Smith overthinks his arguments and goes on and on, making his points in greater and greater detail. I found myself skimming the last two chapters just to be done with the depressing narrative about regret and despair. Hard Feelings is informative and worth reading, perhaps, for professionals in the field, but for the general reader, it becomes somewhat tedious.
January 6, 2026
There is no toxic positivity in this book and that’s just the first reason I love it. This is the “acknowledge your demons and stare into their eyes” version of self help, and that feels real to me. Actually…. Calling it self help doesn’t even feel right. It’s acknowledging the hard feelings and honestly discussing them. It’s normalizing, it’s humanizing, it’s surviving.
Thank you to NetGalley and to Simon & Schuster for an eARC of this book! This is my honest review.
Thank you to NetGalley and to Simon & Schuster for an eARC of this book! This is my honest review.
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
This was a very interesting compilation of facts, anecdotes, and thoughts about "difficult" emotions. I found it easy to read and engage with, and many of the insights to be resonant with my own perspectives. I found the organization easy to follow and logical, and appreciated the author's hard-won expertise - and experience.
Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for my obligation-free review copy.
Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for my obligation-free review copy.
February 3, 2026
A honest book about 'bad' emotions like anger, shame, and regret. This book explains that these feelings aren't actually bad, and they actually can teach us something about ourselves. This book felt so real and easy to connect with. I like how this book mixes stories from his real life with some real psychology stuff. And interesting book and makes you think differently about your own emotions.
Displaying 1 - 6 of 6 reviews