The Unthinkable: A Story of Control, Violence and My Mother

by David Challen, Unknown Author

"On a Saturday morning in August 2010 my mother, Sally Challen, killed my father, Richard, at the family home with twenty blows of a hammer to the head. She was sentenced to life behind bars after suffering 40 years of abuse."David Challen grew up in a household that was accustomed to his father's abuse and coercive behaviour - his criticisms, humiliations, manipulations and mind games. As David grew older, he realised there was something deeply wrong with the way his father treated their mother, Sally. Though she eventually left him, it was only weeks later that she murdered her husband of 31 years, leaving David with the most unimaginable moral defending his mother.CONTROL tells the story of the abuse Challen unknowingly witnessed throughout his childhood, the coercive control that led to his mother, Sally Challen, killing his father, and the subsequent "trial that changed everything for women".

Genres: Audiobook, Nonfiction

Paperback

About the author

David Challen is a domestic abuse campaigner, writer and keynote speaker. He successfully campaigned to free his mother Sally Challen in a landmark appeal recognising the lifetime of coercive control she suffered in 2019.

David continues to speak out against men's violence against women, coercive control and the impact of domestic abuse on children, as well as men's role in tackling misogyny.

David is an advisor to the Domestic Abuse Commissioner for England and Wales and an Ambassador for the Prison Advice and Care Trust (PACT) and the Employers' Initiative on Domestic Abuse.

Reviews

[Nina (ninjasbooks) · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all; what a wonderful and thoughtful author. I loved how he described his difficult life with compassion and understanding. The plain truth, but with an adult view of it. And I respect him for never giving up when it came to his mother, wanting to fight for her, despite the pain of her killing his father. In addition we learnt something about the fight for justice for women who are under coercive control. That made it more than a memoir. I’m glad I read it, despite the darkness.

[Sue Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Am I a survivor or still a victim?

My reason for reading this book was first and foremost to try and understand the impact of my 25yr marriage on my daughters - one of whom I have walked hand in hand as she battled and survived anorexia - which my ex blames me for!!! Of course he does!!! Thank you for your openness… learning to manage the guilt is just another layer of emotions I need to work through!!!

[Kiara McClelland]

A very interesting read, especially to gain an understanding of the justice system from those most affected by it; the victims/perpetrators and their family.

Hearing how Sally wasn’t even physically at her own hearings while in prison, unable to partake in the justice system that controlled her life, reminded me of how alien and divorced from its purpose criminal justice has become in the UK.

Was also a particularly poignant read after hearing David at Hay a couple of days ago and getting a fuller picture of the effects of coercive control and the importance of giving survivors a language to express their hurt.

[Lucy Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t think I truly understood what was meant by coercive control until I listened to this audiobook, this should be mandatory reading for everyone, everywhere. David Challen is a hugely inspiring and brave person, using something truly awful that happened to him and his family to raise awareness for those who may be in controlling and coercive relationships. This was harrowing, haunting and compassionate memoir and I hung onto every word. Obviously a tough listen/read but possibly my biggest recommendation this year.

[Wendy Storey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was gripping and really explains what coercive control is and the lasting impact it has on the victims including the children. David is a remarkable man who has campaigned for victims of coercive control and reading his story was incredibly moving.

[T.H. Rivers · Rating 4 out of 5]

A moving, beautifully written book that I just couldn’t stop reading.

The premeditation of the murder was what resulted in the initial life sentence in our unjust justice system. David’s explanation for his mother taking the hammer with her in her bag by comparing coercive control to the erosion of a cliff on the coast is wonderfully apt: ‘They seem solid right up until the moment they collapse. But the fall is never just the fall. It starts long before that: years of waves pulling at the foundations, salt and wind eating away at them bit by bit. The collapse is just the final part, the moment everything gives way. Not a break, not a single moment, but an erosion.’

As he points out, some coercively controlled women are eroded to the point where they are far more likely to kill themselves than the abuser.

The narrative style is absolutely gripping and the underlying message so important in today’s society. We tend to forget how the children are also victims of abuse in this family dynamic which leads to generational trauma – something David suffered, acknowledged and is healing from. He is now an inspiring and fearless campaigner for coercively controlled women.

The only reason I gave four stars is because, like David, Sally was clearly also the victim of generational trauma – why else would she remain so besotted with a man who from the age of 15 was so cruel and vindictive to her? I was baffled by the complete absence of Sally’s own childhood story.
He says it was his father who caused his mother to lose her sense of self and suggests her mental health problems were created by the marriage alone. Yet why was it that ‘it never occurred to her’ that this abuse of her and her children was wrong? Surely, this speaks volumes about the environment she must have grown up in?

David also tends to gloss over the borderline and dependant personality disorders she was diagnosed with by psychiatrists at her second trial. I understand this might be because he doesn’t want in any way for her mental illness to be seen as a slur or reason to ‘blame’ her for the murder, but I think this was a missed opportunity to show how personality disorders are formed in childhood as a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances (to quote Gabor Maté) and can prime you for a toxic relationship.

To erase that past is, in some ways, to erase the full story of her victimhood.

[Kate M · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was in awe reading David's story, his courageous fight to free his mother after she killed his father and his deep connection and insight to her true identity. "This wasn't her. Every part of me knew that. It wasn't in her nature to do this". David's story is dedicated "to the mother he saw". With intelligence and acute insight, he shows an amazing ability to find the elusive words to capture and express with incisive clarity such an invisible, cumulative form of abuse that his mother, brother and himself were subjugated to by their controlling, dominating father, "detonating their grasp on truth", robbing their mother most of all from her autonomy, freedom, safety, equality, identity, self worth, sanity and so much more. With directness and honesty, David describes the unpalatable facts that made up the landscape of his mother's life, twisted by his father's will since she was 15 years old. So often words are used to conceal the truth but this book is a powerful antidote to that. So many paragraphs blew me away with the immense effort that would have been required from David to compose the words just right to accurately paint a "picture of the rabbit hole of madness" his father had sent his mother down. They were hard hitting but liberating and powerful in the sense of buried truths being set free. David's strength and determination and love in speaking up for his mum whose sense of self and grip on the truth had been slowly eroded away profoundly touched my heart. A truly rewarding read.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re looking for a book you won’t be able to put down, The Unthinkable is absolutely it! It is a deeply moving and courageous account of David’s personal journey through trauma, justice and advocacy. He opens up about his mother’s experiences, his family’s pain and his own fight for justice.

He has sacrificed his personal comfort to shine a vital light on coercive control, which is an issue that remains dangerously under-recognised.

David’s work and advocacy have already sparked a national conversation that’s helped change lives, and laws! The Unthinkable is essential reading, not only because of its emotional depth, but because it has the potential to save lives by educating others and encouraging change!

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

David Challen was a guest on the Crime Analysis podcast with Laura Richards and I just couldn’t believe how well he spoke about his story, what happened to his mother and father and the amazing work he is doing educating the world about domestic and coercive control.

I knew I had to go and read his brand new book The Unthinkable.
I remember his mother being in the news and being horrified by what she has done. How the media had painted her as this jealous and angry wife who lost her mind and killed her husband in a fit of rage.
But there was so much more to the story. The life Sally had been living since she was 15 years old was truly… unthinkable!

David did a fantastic job of telling this story from his point of view but conveying the truth depth of abuse and control the whole family lived with.

I listened to the audiobook and I feel it made the story even more impactful.

[Sophia · Rating 4 out of 5]

An easy to read, informative book. The author's father exercised coercive control over his wife and sons. Challen's book tells how this control affects the whole family at the time and long term, leading to his mother battering her husband to death.
These events happened about 2011 when coercive control was recognised as abuse. Until this time, the victims who reacted were likely to be sentenced possibly for murder. This was the first case in Britain where coercive control was recognised as a crime.

[Isaac Holdsworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

It feels wrong to rate a book like this but this was really good, not an easy read ( unsurprisingly) but very informative and eye opening about the failures of the courts and legal system to take violence against women seriously and also the ways In which abusive relationships don't just affect those in them but also everyone around them.

Content warnings- Domestic violence, SA , Sucide , depression, addiction

[Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who never generally reads, I was determined to take this on. The unfortunate existence of coercive control is something everyone should acknowledge and learn, this is not just David’s story, this book is an education for all and could truly prevent harm. The fact that I could not put it down is a credit to David’s diction and impressive ability to articulate himself.

[Rebecca W · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is absolutely heartbreaking, it completely devastates you while sharing an incredibly important message. Hearing the trauma and abuse that was suffered was horrifying, but the message around coercive control really needs to be heard louder. The strength and courage that David showed, in his fight for his mum and then in facing his own challenges is incredible. An absolute must read.

[Jeanette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having attended a domestic violence seminar some years ago in which David spoke, I had to read this. A traumatic history of growing up under coercive control in a time where this type of abuse had no label. I feel for David and his family, and applaud the lengths he still goes to inbreeding awareness. Should be required reading in schools.

[Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learn about the Unspeakable

Everyone should read this book. The monsters look like ordinary people, mostly men but also women. Education about coercive control must occur in childhood and shown for what it really is. Have disguised as love.

[Claire]

I'm going to stop giving star ratings to memoirs!

This was an interesting read - I follow David Challen on Instagram and this was a full and frank account of his mother and father's story, as well as his advocacy for women suffering from coercive control.

[Pam Reed · Rating 5 out of 5]

A difficult read but an important topic. Thanks David for having the courage to share the strengths and weaknesses of yourself and your whole family. What you experienced is also a testament to how coercive control was - and still is - seen in society.

[Jenifer Lavery · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful emotional read

This is not just a story about a women killing her abusive husband, or the coercive control that lead to it, it's about how the insidious nature of abuse can creep into every family member and great you apart

[Caz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was David’s memoir about his life,in his family, living with abuse. This is a book I feel everyone should read, especially for those living with coercive control. The abuse his mum went through living with his dad’s coercive control was unthinkable, degrading, and beyond imaginable.

[Lily Livan · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very important account of coercive control, the justice system, the media, and ultimately how David fought for his mothers freedom.

[Kitty McManus · Rating 5 out of 5]

A true and moving story on domestic control within a family. informative and educational. However, pics would have helped to identify the people who were forementioned in the book

[Megan Lloyd-Regan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful and courageous

[Charlie Wilshire · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.7 A very interesting and moving book. Hopefully it makes a difference to many people who read it. Would of preferred hearing it from Sally's own voice, but appreciate that probably wasn't possible.

[Nicola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Landmark case in the British judicial system told through the son's eyes. Important and heartbreaking account.