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Our Simulated Selves
A mind-bending quantum thriller about simulated realities, brainscanners, a digital apocalypse, trans awakenings, and tabletop gaming at a cozy queer café.
Jeanne said she wouldn't date Ren if he were the last man on Earth.
Unfortunately, he had the technology to test her claim.
Dejected programmer Ren "Zero" takes notes after uploading his brain into a supercomputer, using his memory to recreate his past. He sets the world in motion and watches his simulated self go through many steps he has taken in his reality,
- Buying a stolen brainscanner from punkish technologist Jeanne in exchange for getting her hired;
- Getting dragged to a queer café to play tabletop RPGs with Jeanne's trans friends;
- Having the best time of his life playing a female character there, for unknown and mysterious reasons;
- Asking Jeanne out in a storm of confused signals and emotions.
That's when Zero deletes everyone from the simulation except Ren and Jeanne.
Now wandering together through the empty city, Ren and Jeanne must work together to find the truths behind their baffling reality, while Zero subtly manipulates their world to achieve his desired ends. In order to defy the controller's plans, Ren must outsmart his real-world counterpart by finally confronting the fundamental truths that even the all-powerful Controller could not compute...
Nikki Null is a trans writer based in Southern California. She took inspiration from lots of sci-fi she loved, including The Matrix, Black Mirror, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, added massive, *massive* quantities of estrogen to the mixture, then cooked for over a decade.
Jeanne said she wouldn't date Ren if he were the last man on Earth.
Unfortunately, he had the technology to test her claim.
Dejected programmer Ren "Zero" takes notes after uploading his brain into a supercomputer, using his memory to recreate his past. He sets the world in motion and watches his simulated self go through many steps he has taken in his reality,
- Buying a stolen brainscanner from punkish technologist Jeanne in exchange for getting her hired;
- Getting dragged to a queer café to play tabletop RPGs with Jeanne's trans friends;
- Having the best time of his life playing a female character there, for unknown and mysterious reasons;
- Asking Jeanne out in a storm of confused signals and emotions.
That's when Zero deletes everyone from the simulation except Ren and Jeanne.
Now wandering together through the empty city, Ren and Jeanne must work together to find the truths behind their baffling reality, while Zero subtly manipulates their world to achieve his desired ends. In order to defy the controller's plans, Ren must outsmart his real-world counterpart by finally confronting the fundamental truths that even the all-powerful Controller could not compute...
Nikki Null is a trans writer based in Southern California. She took inspiration from lots of sci-fi she loved, including The Matrix, Black Mirror, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, added massive, *massive* quantities of estrogen to the mixture, then cooked for over a decade.
380 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 30, 2025
7 people are currently reading
35 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
January 31, 2026
Read this as a judge (team Space Girls) for SPSFC5. Opinions and ratings are my own. I have read this book to completion and am giving this an unequivocal YES for this book to move forward (whether it does or not depends after all judges have made their decision)
I was going to quote the disclaimer from the beginning of this novel but instead I think those who pick up this novel should read it and decide for themselves if they will read further. For me, it was a no-brainer and I'm 100% here for an unashamedly Trans/Queer book.
It starts off with Ren(zero) who all his life has felt like a misfit in his own mind and body. He thinks if he can get hold of some of the latest technology in brainscanning, he might find the answers to all his problems. His contact for this technology is a woman called Jeanne whom he falls for but when she rejects him, he runs a simulation with himself and Jeanne in it and when his simulated version of himself acts differently from his "zero" self he traps them in the simulation and replays it trying to understand this other self of his.
Ren(zero) is a character who you dislike as well as feel sorry for. Bullied as a child for not being "manly" enough, which makes him loathe himself. As an adult male he tries to act, or simulate other men in the dating scene, all of which makes him come across as creepy and stalker like. Simulated Ren is certainly a more likeable character, he does tend to put his foot in his mouth too often but his naivety can often times be quite endearing.
As the book progresses, there are some excellent twists in regard to the simulations - is Ren (zero) truly the protagonist/antagonist we've come to accept?
This book certainly made me consider the 'simulated selves' many of us adopt to fit into society, knowing (and often unknowingly because that's what we've been taught) that that that self is not who we really are; if we are lucky enough, we become who we are meant to be, but for some, sadly that day never comes.
I was going to quote the disclaimer from the beginning of this novel but instead I think those who pick up this novel should read it and decide for themselves if they will read further. For me, it was a no-brainer and I'm 100% here for an unashamedly Trans/Queer book.
It starts off with Ren(zero) who all his life has felt like a misfit in his own mind and body. He thinks if he can get hold of some of the latest technology in brainscanning, he might find the answers to all his problems. His contact for this technology is a woman called Jeanne whom he falls for but when she rejects him, he runs a simulation with himself and Jeanne in it and when his simulated version of himself acts differently from his "zero" self he traps them in the simulation and replays it trying to understand this other self of his.
Ren(zero) is a character who you dislike as well as feel sorry for. Bullied as a child for not being "manly" enough, which makes him loathe himself. As an adult male he tries to act, or simulate other men in the dating scene, all of which makes him come across as creepy and stalker like. Simulated Ren is certainly a more likeable character, he does tend to put his foot in his mouth too often but his naivety can often times be quite endearing.
As the book progresses, there are some excellent twists in regard to the simulations - is Ren (zero) truly the protagonist/antagonist we've come to accept?
This book certainly made me consider the 'simulated selves' many of us adopt to fit into society, knowing (and often unknowingly because that's what we've been taught) that that that self is not who we really are; if we are lucky enough, we become who we are meant to be, but for some, sadly that day never comes.
January 13, 2026
I am one of the judges of team Space Girls for the SPSFC5 contest. This review is my personal opinion. Officially, it is still in the running for the contest, pending any official team announcements.
Status: Yes
Read: 100%
First thing, I LOVED the disclaimer in the first page of the book, just won't spoil the fun. I'll let readers check the sample and consider if the book is their cup of tea.
Despite being a LGBT focused book, I also felt it serves as a social criticism of the root causes of the male loneliness epidemic. While our protagonist Ren is at first sight a 'straight male normie', he questions his role in a society that shuns emotional closeness with positive role models. We get snippets his family life was always subpar. His father was likely abusive and maybe even a deadbeat that scampered off. Ren's older brother was more likely going to punch him in the face for even thinking about questionable topics. Being socially awkward, unable to look at people in the eye, hyperfixiations with obscure technology and occasional 'dissociation episodes' might hint he is an undiagnosed neurodiverse individual.
As expected, he was unable to form stable friendships growing up. Bullied and isolated, he tried 'fitting in' with the frat bros... until... the bros start saying triggering things. Even if the comments were juvenile without true ill intent, Ren's difficulty reading the signs that are so obvious to everyone else makes him hyperdefensive, and maybe even paranoid. He loves the technology aspects of 'tech bro' culture, but hates all of the negative 'good ol boys club' behavior of the bros.
Despite Ren's dislike of the unsavory frat boy behavior, that doesn't make him a saint. He admits he hates himself because of prior mistakes coming too strong when women were only being 'Midwest Nice'. While he attempted therapy, he continues acting like a hormonal teenager suffering from 'Puppy Instalove Syndrome'. And the book takes a good series of jabs aiming at his gut for screwing things up.
Which brings the book to square one: Ren wants to do something borderline irrational and definitely illegal to see why he feels miserable. Thinking the mysterious woman he just met might be the magical cure to his issues, the book cleverly dips us into two POVs telling the story to the best the narrator's unreliability allows, and lets the reader piece things together.
To me, Our Simulated Selves feels like a closeted queer version of 500 Days of Summer meets soft corporate crime thriller. The book is bold, spares no expenses hitting those boxing jabs and equally entertains. We are flouted with the (delusional) possibility Ren might have a chance for his instalove Happy Ending. All the meanwhile, the female platonic coprotagonist seems more like Ren's idealized version of himself. She exuberates all of his wishes and none of his defects. And chances are, she might not even be a real person.
If readers enjoyed this book as much as I have so far, they should check out 'Brown Sugar Divine’s Cafe & Bakery' by S.A. McClellon. Both feature a male protagonist that doesn't feel represented by the queer community's most visible stereotypes. All the while he feels accepted by a group of friendly queer characters that pits him against the close mindedness of his community.
Anyhow, I finished the sample right when the first phase of the book ended, which was most certainly a great pausing point. The story is full in motion, we know Ren is going to continue making bigger mistakes, and some of my early theories might prove true. It's a great read and I am voting yes for it to continue in the competition.
----
Jan 12th 2026 update:
Just finished the book and it is a real rollercoaster ride! I don't wish to say much else because I don't wish to spoil anything. Sit back and enjoy seeing its exciting conclusion. I am certain tons of readers out there will love this book just as much as I did!
Status: Yes
Read: 100%
First thing, I LOVED the disclaimer in the first page of the book, just won't spoil the fun. I'll let readers check the sample and consider if the book is their cup of tea.
Despite being a LGBT focused book, I also felt it serves as a social criticism of the root causes of the male loneliness epidemic. While our protagonist Ren is at first sight a 'straight male normie', he questions his role in a society that shuns emotional closeness with positive role models. We get snippets his family life was always subpar. His father was likely abusive and maybe even a deadbeat that scampered off. Ren's older brother was more likely going to punch him in the face for even thinking about questionable topics. Being socially awkward, unable to look at people in the eye, hyperfixiations with obscure technology and occasional 'dissociation episodes' might hint he is an undiagnosed neurodiverse individual.
As expected, he was unable to form stable friendships growing up. Bullied and isolated, he tried 'fitting in' with the frat bros... until... the bros start saying triggering things. Even if the comments were juvenile without true ill intent, Ren's difficulty reading the signs that are so obvious to everyone else makes him hyperdefensive, and maybe even paranoid. He loves the technology aspects of 'tech bro' culture, but hates all of the negative 'good ol boys club' behavior of the bros.
Despite Ren's dislike of the unsavory frat boy behavior, that doesn't make him a saint. He admits he hates himself because of prior mistakes coming too strong when women were only being 'Midwest Nice'. While he attempted therapy, he continues acting like a hormonal teenager suffering from 'Puppy Instalove Syndrome'. And the book takes a good series of jabs aiming at his gut for screwing things up.
Which brings the book to square one: Ren wants to do something borderline irrational and definitely illegal to see why he feels miserable. Thinking the mysterious woman he just met might be the magical cure to his issues, the book cleverly dips us into two POVs telling the story to the best the narrator's unreliability allows, and lets the reader piece things together.
To me, Our Simulated Selves feels like a closeted queer version of 500 Days of Summer meets soft corporate crime thriller. The book is bold, spares no expenses hitting those boxing jabs and equally entertains. We are flouted with the (delusional) possibility Ren might have a chance for his instalove Happy Ending. All the meanwhile, the female platonic coprotagonist seems more like Ren's idealized version of himself. She exuberates all of his wishes and none of his defects. And chances are, she might not even be a real person.
If readers enjoyed this book as much as I have so far, they should check out 'Brown Sugar Divine’s Cafe & Bakery' by S.A. McClellon. Both feature a male protagonist that doesn't feel represented by the queer community's most visible stereotypes. All the while he feels accepted by a group of friendly queer characters that pits him against the close mindedness of his community.
Anyhow, I finished the sample right when the first phase of the book ended, which was most certainly a great pausing point. The story is full in motion, we know Ren is going to continue making bigger mistakes, and some of my early theories might prove true. It's a great read and I am voting yes for it to continue in the competition.
----
Jan 12th 2026 update:
Just finished the book and it is a real rollercoaster ride! I don't wish to say much else because I don't wish to spoil anything. Sit back and enjoy seeing its exciting conclusion. I am certain tons of readers out there will love this book just as much as I did!
September 3, 2025
This is one of the best books I've read in a long time.
First of all, it was written without AI. I've read so many books lately that were obviously written by AI, that this was like a breath of fresh air. (AI books are confusing, repetitive, full of similes that don't make sense, and in general all seem to be written by the same author. I find the same phrases used in all of them. )
"Our Simulated Selves is well written, intelligent and moves along with plenty of twists and turns.
It's the kind of sci-fi I love.... not aliens and spacecrafts but simulations and tech. I won't say more because I don't want to spoil it.
It also opened my eyes to what life is like for trans people. There is a lot of info given from a very human perspective. You can't get that on wiki. Honestly, I think everyone should read this, no matter what your opinion on the matter is. It's open and honest.
I also learned about the fascinating world of quantum
computing.
This book is a stand alone, but I would love to see a sequel because I fell in love with the characters.
First of all, it was written without AI. I've read so many books lately that were obviously written by AI, that this was like a breath of fresh air. (AI books are confusing, repetitive, full of similes that don't make sense, and in general all seem to be written by the same author. I find the same phrases used in all of them. )
"Our Simulated Selves is well written, intelligent and moves along with plenty of twists and turns.
It's the kind of sci-fi I love.... not aliens and spacecrafts but simulations and tech. I won't say more because I don't want to spoil it.
It also opened my eyes to what life is like for trans people. There is a lot of info given from a very human perspective. You can't get that on wiki. Honestly, I think everyone should read this, no matter what your opinion on the matter is. It's open and honest.
I also learned about the fascinating world of quantum
computing.
This book is a stand alone, but I would love to see a sequel because I fell in love with the characters.
November 14, 2025
Unbelievably Amazing
I adore this book. As a trans woman myself with a lot of the same thoughts and feelings and even life experiences, it was very easy to insert myself into the story. And no I can’t extrapolate on that because to do so would spoil the whole thing, and I WANT YOU TO READ THIS! I feel like you need to read this, Random person. You know who you are.
Highly recommended and wow do I want this to be a movie.
I adore this book. As a trans woman myself with a lot of the same thoughts and feelings and even life experiences, it was very easy to insert myself into the story. And no I can’t extrapolate on that because to do so would spoil the whole thing, and I WANT YOU TO READ THIS! I feel like you need to read this, Random person. You know who you are.
Highly recommended and wow do I want this to be a movie.
December 18, 2025
I binged the entirety of this book in under 24 hours and holy crap is it incredible.
A wild new take on an egg cracking story where the twists just keep coming. It hooked me in fast and kept me hungry for more. One of my favorite books I've read this year.
Absolutely loved it and highly recommend it!
A wild new take on an egg cracking story where the twists just keep coming. It hooked me in fast and kept me hungry for more. One of my favorite books I've read this year.
Absolutely loved it and highly recommend it!
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews