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Hard as Wood
Clara has always had a soft spot for her puppets, especially Pineo, the charming wooden man her father carved when she was just a girl. But when a wish on a star brings Pineo to life—as a full-grown man—Clara’s world turns upside down. Now, navigating his new human desires, he’s determined to win Clara’s heart, but the world throws obstacles in their way, making them wonder if they’ll be enough for each other. Clara and Pineo must saw through their fears to accept the true love granted by the stars.
56 pages, ebook
Published July 15, 2025
17 people are currently reading
167 people want to read
About the author
G.M. Fairy
16 books554 followersG.M. FAIRY is a #1 best-selling, romance author who dabbles in Fantasy, Sci-Fi, and all things whimsical. She's best known for Get In My Swamp and Pounded by Produce. Her specialty is taking the stories we all know and love and ruining them in the best way possible.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 151 reviews
June 23, 2025
2.5⭐️
Hard as Wood is one of the most unhinged (in a fun way 😅) retellings of Pinocchio I’ve ever read—equal parts spicy 🌶️ parody and chaotic fairytale fever dream 💫. The concept? A puppet-turned-real-man with a very human libido 😳. Creative? Absolutely. My vibe? Not quite.
Some of the dialogue and plot were a bit too stiff 🪵 (pun intended), and I found myself cringing more than swooning 😬. Still, G.M. Fairy clearly knows her audience, and her imagination is next-level 💭✨. I first came across her from her Shrek retellings I kept seeing ads for, which I still plan on reading at some point.
Even though this didn’t pull my strings 🧵, it’s short, silly, and is for a very specific group of people. If you’re into smutty satire, fairy tale chaos, and a whole lot of wood jokes 🤭🪵go ahead and let this one tickle your fancy.
Hard as Wood is one of the most unhinged (in a fun way 😅) retellings of Pinocchio I’ve ever read—equal parts spicy 🌶️ parody and chaotic fairytale fever dream 💫. The concept? A puppet-turned-real-man with a very human libido 😳. Creative? Absolutely. My vibe? Not quite.
Some of the dialogue and plot were a bit too stiff 🪵 (pun intended), and I found myself cringing more than swooning 😬. Still, G.M. Fairy clearly knows her audience, and her imagination is next-level 💭✨. I first came across her from her Shrek retellings I kept seeing ads for, which I still plan on reading at some point.
Even though this didn’t pull my strings 🧵, it’s short, silly, and is for a very specific group of people. If you’re into smutty satire, fairy tale chaos, and a whole lot of wood jokes 🤭🪵go ahead and let this one tickle your fancy.
June 21, 2025
I got this for review by G.M. Fairy on booksirens.
Short, spicy and very sweet. Really enjoyed the Pinocio version and I love the fact that it isn't his nose that grows when he lies! Little over 50 pages so not much of a story but I would recommend it as a little pallete cleanser or when you are in the mood for a short pinocio retelling.
Short, spicy and very sweet. Really enjoyed the Pinocio version and I love the fact that it isn't his nose that grows when he lies! Little over 50 pages so not much of a story but I would recommend it as a little pallete cleanser or when you are in the mood for a short pinocio retelling.
August 15, 2025
This got recommended in my feed after the Veggie Tales fanfic and I was not disappointed. It's all the best parts of a spicy fairytale condensed into a bite size novella.
July 7, 2025
ARC REVIEW: Hard as Wood by GM Fairy
OH GATHER ‘ROUND, my fellow millennial trash pandas and fairytale degenerates, because I have a freakin’ gift of a book to recommend
If you thought Pinocchio was just a sad wooden boy trying not to lie? BABY, think again.
GM Fairy, our certified smutty fairy godmother, said: “What if I took that wooden puppet and made him-sexy?” and she DELIVERED.
Meet Clara—she’s 5 foot nothing, tragic backstory included (dad’s dead, cue tears), lives in a town where she’s basically a ghost to everyone. So naturally she gets sad and makes a wish on a star.
AND THE STAR SAID “BET”.
Suddenly her favourite puppet, Pineo, is VERY REAL, VERY HARD (ahem), and VERY ready to give her a tour of more than just the town.
We’re talking walking, talking, made-of-wood man who does not have a growing nose problem, but you KNOW something else grows when he lies. Wink wink nudge nudge, GM Fairy you absolute menace.
Listen. There’s oil. There’s emotional drama. There’s enough town-exploring and bed-exploring to make you both laugh and swoon. The line “Hey I’m a real boy!” now lives rent free in my unholy soul and I can never be cleansed.
AND THAT OIL SCENE? I laughed so hard I almost pulled a muscle. Who knew wood polish was so… versatile?
It took me an hour to devour it like the feral gremlin I am and I’d do it again ten times over.
Go read it. You deserve this. Your inner chaotic child deserves this. Thank me later.
OH GATHER ‘ROUND, my fellow millennial trash pandas and fairytale degenerates, because I have a freakin’ gift of a book to recommend
If you thought Pinocchio was just a sad wooden boy trying not to lie? BABY, think again.
GM Fairy, our certified smutty fairy godmother, said: “What if I took that wooden puppet and made him-sexy?” and she DELIVERED.
Meet Clara—she’s 5 foot nothing, tragic backstory included (dad’s dead, cue tears), lives in a town where she’s basically a ghost to everyone. So naturally she gets sad and makes a wish on a star.
AND THE STAR SAID “BET”.
Suddenly her favourite puppet, Pineo, is VERY REAL, VERY HARD (ahem), and VERY ready to give her a tour of more than just the town.
We’re talking walking, talking, made-of-wood man who does not have a growing nose problem, but you KNOW something else grows when he lies. Wink wink nudge nudge, GM Fairy you absolute menace.
Listen. There’s oil. There’s emotional drama. There’s enough town-exploring and bed-exploring to make you both laugh and swoon. The line “Hey I’m a real boy!” now lives rent free in my unholy soul and I can never be cleansed.
AND THAT OIL SCENE? I laughed so hard I almost pulled a muscle. Who knew wood polish was so… versatile?
It took me an hour to devour it like the feral gremlin I am and I’d do it again ten times over.
Go read it. You deserve this. Your inner chaotic child deserves this. Thank me later.
July 20, 2025
This book was short, simple and so funny.
I was cackling as I was reading it! I enjoyed it very much. Characters were portrayed well.
So if you want a quick read to get you out of a reading slump or an adult twist to a childhood fav? Def give this a try.
I was cackling as I was reading it! I enjoyed it very much. Characters were portrayed well.
So if you want a quick read to get you out of a reading slump or an adult twist to a childhood fav? Def give this a try.
Read
January 21, 2026i don’t know what to say anymore i can’t even rate this book but i have fun while laughing my ass off with @bookish.oana
Read
January 22, 2026Hard as Wood by G.M. Fairy
aka WHAT. DID. I. JUST. READ.
It all started very innocently when Andreea said:
“Let’s read this, it sounds funny, there’s a wooden man.”
That’s it. That was the moment everything went wrong. From there… it all went straight into sawdust.
I don’t know how to explain this book.
I don’t know what I read.
All I know is my brain froze, I laughed hysterically, and I physically felt my neurons leave my body one by one.
So. We have a Clara. Clara is 25 (THIS IS IMPORTANT, remember that number). Her dad made her a Pinocchio doll when she was little. Normal. BUT. The tree used to make the doll? Becomes the love interest later.
I will not be asking questions. I no longer have the strength.
Clara is extremely emotionally attached to… wood. Polished wood. Very well finished wood. So attached that, of course, she wishes it to be real.
And the universe goes: sure, why not.
Pineo wakes up. Alive. A man. Made of wood. Very… solid.
Andreea asked the only logical question: “But what about the splinters?”
My answer: there are none, he was sanded in advance.
So everything is fine. Totally normal. Nothing to see here.
The plot twist that absolutely ended me:
👉 when he lies, the wood expands. Yeah, that wood…
I will not elaborate. The book already did enough damage. 🙃
Another plot twist: MAPLE. SYRUP.
I refuse to explain. I have trauma. You know what? I will tell you, the wood genitals…. Yeah.. 😖😖
The drama of the book: Clara has an existential meltdown because she’s scared Pineo might leave her for other women. She locks herself in her room. Cries. Kicks her feet.
Friendly reminder:
✨ CLARA IS 25 ✨
The ending?
True love’s kiss.
Pineo becomes a real human man.
Clara is upset because he’s no longer… hard as wood.
Personally, I give this relationship two coffees max.
Final thoughts:
Her dad made both of them… like, they are like siblings… I’ll let that sink in 🙂
This wasn’t romance.
It wasn’t fantasy.
It was a wood trip I did not sign up for.
A spiritual experience.
A literary fever dream.
A very long “what did I just read?”
Do I recommend it? No.
Do I regret reading it? Also no.
Because now I have to live with this information forever.
aka WHAT. DID. I. JUST. READ.
It all started very innocently when Andreea said:
“Let’s read this, it sounds funny, there’s a wooden man.”
That’s it. That was the moment everything went wrong. From there… it all went straight into sawdust.
I don’t know how to explain this book.
I don’t know what I read.
All I know is my brain froze, I laughed hysterically, and I physically felt my neurons leave my body one by one.
So. We have a Clara. Clara is 25 (THIS IS IMPORTANT, remember that number). Her dad made her a Pinocchio doll when she was little. Normal. BUT. The tree used to make the doll? Becomes the love interest later.
I will not be asking questions. I no longer have the strength.
Clara is extremely emotionally attached to… wood. Polished wood. Very well finished wood. So attached that, of course, she wishes it to be real.
And the universe goes: sure, why not.
Pineo wakes up. Alive. A man. Made of wood. Very… solid.
Andreea asked the only logical question: “But what about the splinters?”
My answer: there are none, he was sanded in advance.
So everything is fine. Totally normal. Nothing to see here.
The plot twist that absolutely ended me:
👉 when he lies, the wood expands. Yeah, that wood…
I will not elaborate. The book already did enough damage. 🙃
Another plot twist: MAPLE. SYRUP.
I refuse to explain. I have trauma. You know what? I will tell you, the wood genitals…. Yeah.. 😖😖
The drama of the book: Clara has an existential meltdown because she’s scared Pineo might leave her for other women. She locks herself in her room. Cries. Kicks her feet.
Friendly reminder:
✨ CLARA IS 25 ✨
The ending?
True love’s kiss.
Pineo becomes a real human man.
Clara is upset because he’s no longer… hard as wood.
Personally, I give this relationship two coffees max.
Final thoughts:
Her dad made both of them… like, they are like siblings… I’ll let that sink in 🙂
This wasn’t romance.
It wasn’t fantasy.
It was a wood trip I did not sign up for.
A spiritual experience.
A literary fever dream.
A very long “what did I just read?”
Do I recommend it? No.
Do I regret reading it? Also no.
Because now I have to live with this information forever.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
June 21, 2025
Super cute, short extra naughty take on Pinocchio. Lonely Clara feels unseen in her tiny village, with just her late father’s handcrafted marionettes for company. One in particular draws her attention, especially when she’s in need of release. After lovingly touching up a chip in Pineo’s paint, a melancholy Clara falls into a fitful sleep only to wake up to a suddenly sentient Pineo, who is as shocked as she.
In this fairytale, however, it’s not a nose that lengthens when a falsehood is uttered…
How on earth will this little drama be resolved? Leave it to G M Fairy to make it delightfully smutty and silly.
I received an advance reader copy from booksirens, and I’m sharing my honest review.
In this fairytale, however, it’s not a nose that lengthens when a falsehood is uttered…
How on earth will this little drama be resolved? Leave it to G M Fairy to make it delightfully smutty and silly.
I received an advance reader copy from booksirens, and I’m sharing my honest review.
Read
July 15, 2025this was a buddy read…quickest I’ve ever read a book but it was only 46 pages 😂 who knew a sexy Pinocchio retelling would be a thing ¿
July 15, 2025
GM Fairy can do NO wrong in my eyes. A Pinocchio retelling where his OTHER nose grows? You can count me the f*ck in, every time.
July 21, 2025
As a self-proclaimed brain rot enjoyer, this was a hard read, even for me, so to compensate everyone is forced to read wood-related puns throughout this review since this was effectively a PG-13 sex dream about an aged up Pinocchio.
Plot holes left me stumped. Wood not recommend. Smut was not tree-riffic. Entirely too much discussion of her father in the same sentence as the puppet despite its attempt at being innocent (no tree puns here I needed you to actually internalize this one).
Plot holes left me stumped. Wood not recommend. Smut was not tree-riffic. Entirely too much discussion of her father in the same sentence as the puppet despite its attempt at being innocent (no tree puns here I needed you to actually internalize this one).
June 20, 2025
3.75 stars. Am I embarrassed that I read this? Definitely. Do I regret it? Nope. This is a very weird take on Pinocchio, but I laughed out loud when his nose wasn't the appendage that grew when he lied. I don't think I will ever be able to eat maple syrup again without blushing, and I suspect I will think of this story every time I get a splinter.
Clara wishes upon a star that her favorite wooden doll would come to life because she is lonely after her father passed away. Pineo wakes up and realizes that he can move and speak. I struggled a bit with how child-like Pineo is when it started getting steamy, but I did laugh at how he processed all these new sensations. His inner monologue when new sensations happened was very funny. Crying Oh No because you don't know what's happening when an orgasm hits made me laugh, but was still a little weird.
This story was a great palate cleanser for when my 600-page fantasy novels get to be too much and I just need funny and mindless.
Thank you to BookSirens and GM Fairy for the free eARC.
Clara wishes upon a star that her favorite wooden doll would come to life because she is lonely after her father passed away. Pineo wakes up and realizes that he can move and speak. I struggled a bit with how child-like Pineo is when it started getting steamy, but I did laugh at how he processed all these new sensations. His inner monologue when new sensations happened was very funny. Crying Oh No because you don't know what's happening when an orgasm hits made me laugh, but was still a little weird.
This story was a great palate cleanser for when my 600-page fantasy novels get to be too much and I just need funny and mindless.
Thank you to BookSirens and GM Fairy for the free eARC.
July 10, 2025
G.M. Fairy has this magical knack for taking stories we all grew up with and giving them a spicy, grown-up twist we didn’t even know we were craving. 𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐖𝐨𝐨𝐝 is no exception—it’s a super quick, heart-tugging read that somehow manages to be fun, tender, and seriously steamy all at once.
The story follows Clara, who’s completely alone in the world except for the comfort she finds in the wooden dolls her father carved. Her favorite is Pineo—and let’s just say, after a wish upon a star, things get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭 interesting. What follows is a sweet, slightly whimsical, and totally adult journey that pulls you in and doesn’t let go.
It’s got that fairytale charm, but with a deliciously hot twist, a warm emotional core, and a HEA that’ll leave you grinning. If you’re in the mood for a fast, feel-good fantasy with heart and heat, Hard as Wood is a fun ride you won’t regret.
Thanks to the author and Booksirens for the gifted copy 💕
The story follows Clara, who’s completely alone in the world except for the comfort she finds in the wooden dolls her father carved. Her favorite is Pineo—and let’s just say, after a wish upon a star, things get 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭 interesting. What follows is a sweet, slightly whimsical, and totally adult journey that pulls you in and doesn’t let go.
It’s got that fairytale charm, but with a deliciously hot twist, a warm emotional core, and a HEA that’ll leave you grinning. If you’re in the mood for a fast, feel-good fantasy with heart and heat, Hard as Wood is a fun ride you won’t regret.
Thanks to the author and Booksirens for the gifted copy 💕
July 13, 2025
3.75
G.M Fairy’s work is always a good time. They are so quick and light, you fly through them. And this one was no different, it is a Pinocchio retelling which drew me into it. I enjoyed the characters, even though it did feel like the FMC did have some childish characteristics but she was still enjoyable, and the MMC was interesting but I’m not entirely too sure on my feelings for him. The story itself is interesting and it is a short book, so you are thrown straight into the action and the connection between the characters.
G.M Fairy’s work is always a good time. They are so quick and light, you fly through them. And this one was no different, it is a Pinocchio retelling which drew me into it. I enjoyed the characters, even though it did feel like the FMC did have some childish characteristics but she was still enjoyable, and the MMC was interesting but I’m not entirely too sure on my feelings for him. The story itself is interesting and it is a short book, so you are thrown straight into the action and the connection between the characters.
June 25, 2025
I came into this completely unprepared. G.M Fairy's Hard as Wood: A Puppet Love Story is a unique take on Pinocchio. It is not appropriate for all readers, but the title says it all. Clara's wish is finally granted. Her love is reciprocated. The book is extremely descriptive. It's slightly smutty. It's also a short and quick read. I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.
September 1, 2025
3.5 Stars
Hard as Wood was such a fun read! It was silly, it was goofy, and it made me laugh out loud multiple times. I knew exactly what I was getting into when picking this up and it definitely delivered.
Chapter 1 & 2 were completely perfect! No notes! I really enjoyed the humour mixed with spice. Unfortunately, it felt like it lost some of its rhythm during/after Chapter 3. This was only a short read so when 2-ish chapters are dedicated to a little conflict, it feels huge. However, G. M. Fairy totally brought it back at the end!
I volunteered to review a free ARC of this book for BookSirens.
Hard as Wood was such a fun read! It was silly, it was goofy, and it made me laugh out loud multiple times. I knew exactly what I was getting into when picking this up and it definitely delivered.
Chapter 1 & 2 were completely perfect! No notes! I really enjoyed the humour mixed with spice. Unfortunately, it felt like it lost some of its rhythm during/after Chapter 3. This was only a short read so when 2-ish chapters are dedicated to a little conflict, it feels huge. However, G. M. Fairy totally brought it back at the end!
I volunteered to review a free ARC of this book for BookSirens.
June 23, 2025
*ARC REVIEW*
Book: Hard As Wood
Author: G.M. Fairy
Release Date: July 15, 2025
I received an advance review copy for free, and I am making this review voluntarily.
Did I become a willing participant of a steamy Pinocchio retelling? Yes.
Do I regret it? No.
Did I say Pinocchio? Yep!
G.M. did it again and captured my attention with one of her great retellings.
Although the story was short, it was well written. It did have me giggling and asking myself a whole bunch of questions BUT well worth the read.
Book: Hard As Wood
Author: G.M. Fairy
Release Date: July 15, 2025
I received an advance review copy for free, and I am making this review voluntarily.
Did I become a willing participant of a steamy Pinocchio retelling? Yes.
Do I regret it? No.
Did I say Pinocchio? Yep!
G.M. did it again and captured my attention with one of her great retellings.
Although the story was short, it was well written. It did have me giggling and asking myself a whole bunch of questions BUT well worth the read.
July 9, 2025
I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily
1 Star
Ish... Let’s just say, this wasn’t my cup of tea. I did laugh throughout the book though, so there’s that!
I should’ve read the synopsis, but I didn’t.
If you’re into books about wood and maple syrup… go ahead, I guess.
1 Star
Ish... Let’s just say, this wasn’t my cup of tea. I did laugh throughout the book though, so there’s that!
I should’ve read the synopsis, but I didn’t.
If you’re into books about wood and maple syrup… go ahead, I guess.
July 15, 2025
Hard as Wood was such a sweet and magical read. I loved how Pineo’s journey from being a wooden puppet to becoming human felt so tender and emotional. The romance with Clara was a slow burn in the best way—soft, whimsical, and surprisingly deep. It gave me all the cozy fairy tale vibes but with enough heart to stick with me after I finished.
July 16, 2025
this little pinocchio retelling was actually so sweet and cute! i loved it so much and even had hints of beauty and the beast vibes too! i loved that his nose wasn’t when grew when he told a lie (; hehe wow
so silly, cringy and fun! i enjoyed it a lot and am looking forward to reading more of this author’s books!
i received an arc from booksirens in exchange for an honest review
so silly, cringy and fun! i enjoyed it a lot and am looking forward to reading more of this author’s books!
i received an arc from booksirens in exchange for an honest review
July 10, 2025
Honestly, this is my first time reading the work of G.M. Fairy and I didn't know what to expect but I was having a great, ridiculous time. It was a silly, goofy and the ideal palette cleanser after some really heavy and difficult reads !
August 2, 2025
Why is it that I only need to see one Instagram reel sharing an unhinged KU rec and I'm sat 😂 This is the craziest Pinocchio retelling I've ever heard of. Was this cringe? Absolutely! But it was also fun lol don't you dare judge me
June 20, 2025
Bit of a weird take on Pinocchio but I’m here for it!! Pineo was made for Clara (literally) their relationship starts off immediately upon him realizing he’s a man and not a puppet anymore. Hilarious wood puns and maple syrup 💦💦
Thanks GM Fairy for this arc!
Thanks GM Fairy for this arc!
July 5, 2025
Always love a book by G. M. Fairy! This one was much shorter than I thought it would be but it’s still a fun spicy story
July 23, 2025
lmao? its exactly what it says it is idk man she bangs her doll that has come to life
im curious about this world like what type of magic even made this happen
im curious about this world like what type of magic even made this happen
July 27, 2025
This was such a fun read! I’d read another Pinocchio retelling for sure 🤪
Read
October 12, 2025This sure was something. The things I do for my reading goal
November 30, 2025
Oh Pineo.. Clara’s kleine Pineo toch…
I had eerst deze moeten lezen en dan de rat. Dan waren het 5 sterren voor allebei
I had eerst deze moeten lezen en dan de rat. Dan waren het 5 sterren voor allebei
February 10, 2026
This book is crazy, it made me laugh a few times. Just seeing my boyfriend's face when I tell him this story makes it worth it.
Postscript: it took me so long to read this book because it's surreal.
Postscript: it took me so long to read this book because it's surreal.
October 20, 2025
Maker..🫣
It was too short! I wanted more from this book, a more intricate plot. Did enjoy how quick it got to the point tho 🤣🌶️🪵
It was too short! I wanted more from this book, a more intricate plot. Did enjoy how quick it got to the point tho 🤣🌶️🪵
Displaying 1 - 30 of 151 reviews