When she was a precocious fourteen-year-old, Fiona developed a crush on her English teacher, Henry Morgan. Stoking her sense of being "different" her adds to that the compliment that she's "special". What's special about Fiona, apart from her talent for writing, is her tumultuous home life. Her mother is a heavy drinker who ... ahm ... socializes with men other than her husband; and Fiona's father is uncommunicative bordering on terminally in denial about his wife's infidelities and his children being emotionally neglected. There is plenty of room in those circumstances for Fiona to be groomed by a predator, and that's precisely what happens. But now, fifteen years later, Fiona is married and settled when she runs into her abuser, Henry. Only, she doesn't see him as such. To her, he is a lost "love." Meanwhile, her life hasn't shaped up in the way she thought it would, but she isn't unhappy exactly, just nurturing a low-level sense of 'shouldn't there be more?' She is convinced that the 'more' lies with Henry, and her memory of a 'relationship' interrupted by circumstance. Now, with Fiona almost thirty, and him forty-three, they begin what Fiona thinks of as an affair, but which is clearly something very dysfunctional. Even though she is now an adult, the power dynamics between Fiona and Henry are precisely as they always were-he convinces her she has agency in their 'relationship' while ensuring that he gets precisely what he wants, and she slowly sets herself up (and he simply watches it happen) to lose almost everything.
This reminded me of 'My Dark Vanessa' in the way it showed how abuse can reverberate, spinning a person off their axis and sending them careening into a very different kind of life than they might have had if the abuse hadn't happened. It also, similarly, examines the way survivors of abuse can recast the experience in their minds, either desperately trying to see it as something over which they had some control, or ashamed because they see it as something for which they bear some blame. Fiona does both, and at the same time, even in adulthood finding it hard to shake what almost feels like a sense of accomplishment at "getting" her teacher to notice her. But as she gradually learns more about him-then and now-she is forced to consider whether she was ever as in control of where they wound up as she believed when she was a girl.
This author's voice was engaging, funny and poignant. It was a very smooth and easy read, so much so that I wondered whether there was something autobiographical in this story. It's written as a letter or journal entry from Fiona to Henry, dissecting the origins of their relationship, and its meaning and impact in her life. It concludes as it should, leaving you with a sense of both loss and possibilities. Thankfully, the gory details are handled very sensitively, though take it from me when I tell you, you won't hate the perpetrator any less because of it. It's how this kind of story is best written, in my opinion, with a focus on the psychic processes and scars, and very little focus on the more sensational, prurient aspects.
I recommend.