Unconverted: Memoir of a Marriage

by Polly Merritt Ingraham

As soon as Polly and Rob meet, there is electricity between them, despite the fact that Rob is a devout Divinity student and Polly does not practice a religion. When they fall in love, she begins to wonder if their union can survive their theological differences. Over time, they build a multilayered life of family and community, and Polly manages to create a comfortable space as a clergy wife.

In lyrical prose that is reflective, candid, and warm, this is the story of how an extroverted agnostic remained true to herself through three decades of marriage, three children, and four relocations. As Polly’s husband rose through the ranks to become an Episcopal bishop, she stayed steadfast in her love of literature, sports, nature, and her family, while deepening her understanding of herself, her husband, and marriage itself.

Genres: Memoir

306 pages, Kindle Edition

Published June 16, 2025

Reviews

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unconverted: Memoir of a Marriage by Polly Merritt Ingraham is an interesting look into a marriage of two people who have completely different insights into religion. We get to know Ingraham through her childhood tales with her brothers, we see her romance to her husband begin and continue for decades, we learn a bit about her children and how they are brought up in regards to religion, and we read about Ingraham’s doubts, concerns, and growth throughout the book.

Ingraham has taught English in the classroom, has had numerous pieces of her writing published in various magazines and newspapers, and has attended various writing programs. Because of all of her writing and knowledge of writing, her memoir is an enjoyable read and she is able to incorporate lots of feeling into her words, as well as sneaking in words of wisdom and things that may make you have some questions, and hopefully take it a step farther and actually find the answers, whether it be about life or religion.

One of the things that stood out to me was how she continually questioned if she was good enough for the church people around her. As if her not being converted into a certain religion would make those around her look down upon her or think she could not make a good clergyman’s wife.
I think most people have these thoughts; do people like me, am I good enough for my significant other, am I an impostor in this life, etc… So it was nice to read about a person’s journey through these questions.

At times you could see Ingraham really pushing against being drawn into religion, but you could also see her slowly succumbing to it since she was continually surrounded by it and wanted to know more about it since it is the majority of her husband’s life.

I have been married for 27 years, and I feel that for many people in a good marriage (or maybe any marriage) you want others to think well of your partner. Because of this it felt to me that Ingraham may have made her husband appear much more gracious and continually understanding than he may be (but I really do hope he is!)
I saw this because the only time she talks about them butting heads is when their child is missing a church service because of a sports event, since her husband said he wanted the children to come to church every Sunday.
Not that I would want to read a memoir of continuous bickering, but I just thought that was interesting.

Since I think Ingraham is in her 60s, we see many facets of a more traditional marriage where she takes care of the house and children and is there for her husband. And while she does work, it still mainly falls on her to do these tasks. So this is not a book about a radical feminist taking on the world, but a woman of her times living a pretty regular life, but her husband eventually ends up being an Episcopal bishop.

I enjoyed getting glimpses into the various church customs and ideas, and reading about the duality of life, nature, and relationships. And how anything can be a religious experience if you keep your mind open to the world.

[Pat · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been in an interfaith marriage for 25 years so I was interested in this book when I had the opportunity to read and review an ARC. This memoir is very well-written and I felt I could relate to the author’s experiences on many levels.

[Adrienna · Rating 2 out of 5]

On May 14, 2025, I received a complimentary copy from the publisher after winning (contest win) from LibraryThing. As a head (senior) librarian, it has been sitting on my desk for a day and had one inquiry from a support group I facilitate, and coordinate called "I See Her," which will see if this is something to incorporate or add to group or recommend read.

Unconverted: Memoir of a Marriage Review
Library Thing contest win, ARC (Advance Reading Copy) from Ingram (Publisher) to read a memoir on marriage. Unconverted simply means not having to change or adapt. In this memoir, Polly M. Ingraham, was married to a husband who later became minister under the direction of a Bishop then to groom into an Episcopal Bishop. Polly wondered if she would have to change her religion to adapt to his calling/position/title; yet, his response was “no” with a sarcastic response that religion is not like changing coats. She also realized that her husband got a copy of Minister’s Wives from a church rummage sale and amazingly, it took her 40 years later to come to grips about it. Is this a hint to know how to conduct yourself as a Protestant wive, or someone married to a man in the pulpit? This was written in the 1960s, so how would one adapt to such literature today?

Even though this was her husband goal to become an Episcopal priest, she carried on her own goal to become a lawyer, and attending prestigious school(s) as he did also. I like that she carried out her purpose while he pursued his own too instead of some wives getting lost in their husbands’ purpose. Furthermore, she speaks about having no choice in the situation: church and baptism (41). However, I am familiar with my parents following the Word of God (Bible) to “train up a child the way it should go.” This is bringing them up in the faith of God or attending church at a particular denomination or religion of their choice or upbringing. It did not bother me and learned more about the faith that you do not need a religion or denomination, yet it is a true relationship with Christ Jesus.

Everyone has a story, but does every story have to be written. I know that this story did not work for me. I requested a copy to read since it was on the topic of “marriage” and to see if I can grasp any insight or marriage tools that I could gain for a library positive program that I coordinate, facilitate, and share with “I See Her” support group(s).

I plan to donate a copy to the work library.



LibraryThing contest review,
Author of God is in the Equation
Adrienna D. Turner

[Lorren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was so curious to read more when I saw the description of UNCONVERTED—I love stories of unconventional faith as well as stories about marriage and how couples manage to stay together despite fundamental differences that can grow larger over time. The premise of this memoir felt like a true life version of DEARLY BELOVED by Cara Wall.

I did like this book, and I think the author is an excellent writer. The imagery was vibrant and the details were clearly drawn. She was at her strongest when she wrote of the things in the universe that increase her feelings of spirituality, despite not adhering to organized religion—I loved her thoughts on Emily Dickinson, sports and the outdoors, and community as vehicles for wholeness.

There were other aspects of the book that didn’t quite meet my expectations. Some of the vignettes felt a bit disconnected—as a reader, I was offered a window into the author’s life, but I craved more of a connective thread with direction rather than a meander through loosely connected experiences that do relate to the central theme of marital harmony despite differences in religion but which lacked drive. I also wondered if the author was shying away from tension. Most often, the tension was around the children’s attendance at church, but it seemed like other than occasional annoyance at each other over disagreements that were easily shrugged off. Which, don’t mistake me, is a preferable way to deal with tension in life, but I had thought this book would be exploring that tension, and instead it felt like really the whole difference of religion wasn’t that big of a deal for the couple. Again, this sounds like the ideal for lived life, but it did leave me with a little less spark to stay engaged in reading—I needed something more to drive me to engage rather than pleasant scenes from a pleasant life.

Overall, this is lovely and quiet—those who love stories of spirituality will find something here. The narrative wanders, but it certainly leaves the reader with a gentle sense of happiness.

I received this galley from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Sue Hollingsworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like Polly Ingraham, I married into the Episcopal faith (my husband is an Episcopal priest who also became a Bishop). I found Polly's book fascinating because it chronicles so beautifully how complicated marriage can be-- when couples come from different faiths, or—in Polly's case—when a spouse is not baptized and is "unconverted." That said, Polly's memoir is ultimately a love story because her devotion to her husband is clear, as is her knowledge of and admiration for all he does as a man of faith. The book also describes in lovely ways how Polly is "confirmed" in her own form of spirituality, one devoid of any religious "trappings," but rich and full nevertheless.

[Book Reviewer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Polly Ingraham’s Unconverted is a moving, often funny, and beautifully written memoir chronicling her unexpected marriage to an Episcopal priest and the even more surprising journey that followed. The book tells the story of a secular woman navigating life, love, and identity inside the deep tradition of the Episcopal Church, not as a convert, but as a skeptic and sometimes reluctant participant. Through candid reflection, Ingraham explores what it means to love someone whose beliefs are fundamentally different from your own and how a marriage can flourish without shared faith, provided there's shared respect, curiosity, and deep affection.

Ingraham’s writing is sharp and unpretentious, often funny and achingly honest. She manages to be both thoughtful and down-to-earth as she walks us through moments of discomfort, discovery, and the quiet ache of being the odd one out in a world of ritual and belief. Her prose doesn’t waste words. She brings you in close, never asking for sympathy, only understanding. I especially appreciated her refusal to fake devotion just to fit in. That kind of integrity made me root for her all the way through. Her love for Rob is never in doubt, but she doesn't sugarcoat the strain of being partnered with someone whose life is woven into a faith you don’t share.

There’s also something deeply comforting about her insistence on staying herself, even when the pressure to change would’ve made it easier. I felt her unease during the high church services, her resistance to the wafer and wine, her side-eye at the church politics, and clunky old houses with drafty corners. It felt real. And yet, what held this book together wasn’t doubt or division, it was tenderness. Her marriage, though often challenged by theological distance, is grounded in mutual admiration and a kind of quiet, dogged love that I found deeply moving. There’s no dramatic conversion here, no tidy resolution, but there is growth. And a kind of grace that doesn’t require belief to feel.

I’d recommend Unconverted to anyone who’s ever felt like a bit of an outsider in their own life or who’s struggled to be true to themselves while loving someone very different. It’s especially poignant for secular readers navigating religious families, marriages, or communities. This book doesn’t offer easy answers, but it offers something better: honesty, humor, and hope that two people can build a beautiful life without having to believe all the same things. That feels pretty miraculous to me.

[Ian Rogers · Rating 4 out of 5]

The premise of Unconverted is deceptively simple: Polly, a steadfast unbeliever, falls in love with Rob, a devout minister-in-training. How can the two of them build a life together?

While such a premise would be ripe for a happily-ever-after ending if found on the back of a mass-market romance paperback, Unconverted instead tackles the more pressing and difficult problems of building a relationship and a family amidst these differences in faith. The early chapters chronicle a more straightforward narrative of the author's life and early relationship with Rob leading up their marriage, while later chapters share anecdotes and insights across time and their various moves. Through Ingraham's flowing prose and rich descriptions, each section reveals insights centered on her own feelings and decisions, the meaning of relationships, and even a few sharp observations about the world of the church (why is it that minister spouses are expected to play a role in the church when this expectation doesn't exist for other professionals?).

All in all, however, the sentiments in Unconverted extend beyond relationships between believers and nonbelievers to explore how we view our most intimate relationships more broadly, the sacrifices we make for love, and the compromises that come with building a life together.

[Brittany T · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recieved this book as an arc read , I enjoy reading all types of things and since I have been on my faith walk , This caught my eye. Though I do not personally connect with this because I am not unconverted, I loved this book and the fact that it shows how true love is truly powerful even when everything around you is chaotic and divided into so many different ways. I loved the fact that a book was written showing you dont always have to give up what you truly want,when your spouse is growing in his dreams of what he has been called to do. This was a good read and I am so thankful I was offered to arc read it!

[SundayAtDusk · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a well-written memoir with some poignant passages, but I stopped reading at 50%. I am afraid I did not find it captivating enough to continue reading. It was too much what I call an every-thought-in-one's-head type of book. There were too many trivial details and trivial thoughts that would have been better left out. It was too easy to become distracted while reading. A long magazine article on the main topic would have been better, in my opinion. Hence, a 3-star neutral rating since I did not finish the book.

(Note: I received a free e-ARC from NetGalley and the author or pubisher.)

[Jacquie Mckenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautifully written book about the challenges of a marriage with the partners holding diametrically different views but finding a bridge through communication, curiosity and love. Though it focuses on religion it could be applied to any partnership that faces the challenge of addressing differences. And in a world of such divisiveness, what a wonderful story to give us hope and courage. The author writes with great wit and insight that we can all enjoy and learn from. A must read!

[Frances G · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book from page one. It's a fascinating, honest, and moving account of a woman who's managed to hold onto her identity even as she has loved and grown beside someone whose identity is so different from hers. It's beautiful and thought-provoking.