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128 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1975
These evenings are no-times, not day and not night. Just as I myself, the garden, the trees, are no-things, projections of nothingness, isolation...no reality except nothingness. I don't quite know myself any longer. I forget how to smile...how to squeeze words out of my mouth. Everything drains away. Nothing is left but an empty world, in which Karl's face will never again be seen.
While he was here I felt safe, secure in his support and affection, in the supreme togetherness generated by cosmic rays. But now, of all that, nothing. Of all he gave so generously he has left me nothing. Nothing of himself, of his prestige, of his kindness. I am nothing to him. He is nothing. There is nothing in life any more. I try to find the way out, but people prevent me. Utterly heartless, they want to force upon me an unendurable existence, not seeing that I have already left their world.
I can never go back to the living world unless I am changed completely, not only in essence, but in outer aspect, transformed throughout the entire complex of body, brain, intellect, memory, feeling, the sum total of which is the individual being.
If this whole structure could be transmuted into something hard, cold, untouchable, unaffected by any emotion...if flesh became something like granite, burning with mineral fires, so that, if a limb was snapped off, there remained an icicle dazzle of sparkling beauty, not a disgusting mess, then and then only, indifferent to isolation and independent of time, I might endure the world.
Composed of some iridescent substance, smooth, hard, cold as ice, with a ruby from Mogok for a heart and a diamond brain, inexhaustible and impervious, I would stride all over the world, seeing everything, knowing everything, needing nothing and nobody...finally leaving the earth and the last human being behind me and turning away to the most remote galaxies and the unimaginable reaches of infinite space.
—from "A Summer Evening"