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Permission to Mourn: A New Way to Do Grief
The death of someone we love
cracks us open
inviting us to become
the person we were born to be.
This is the book Tom Zuba wishes he had read after his daughter Erin died. And after his wife Trici died. It’s the book he wishes he’d been handed following his son Rory’s death. But Tom had to live it. First. Before he could write it. For you.
In the beginning, Tom did grief the old way. Repressing, denying, pretending, numbing and stuffing every feeling and every emotion that arose. He created pain on top of pain until he began searching for a new way. A new way to do grief. Once he gave himself permission to mourn, healing began.
Along the way, Tom discovered
* Grief is not the enemy. Grief can be one of our greatest teachers.
* It’s the stories we tell that determine whether or not we will heal.
* We will always have a relationship with the people we love that have died.
* We were not born to suffer. We were born to be radiant.
There is a new way to do grief. Let Tom Zuba teach you how.
cracks us open
inviting us to become
the person we were born to be.
This is the book Tom Zuba wishes he had read after his daughter Erin died. And after his wife Trici died. It’s the book he wishes he’d been handed following his son Rory’s death. But Tom had to live it. First. Before he could write it. For you.
In the beginning, Tom did grief the old way. Repressing, denying, pretending, numbing and stuffing every feeling and every emotion that arose. He created pain on top of pain until he began searching for a new way. A new way to do grief. Once he gave himself permission to mourn, healing began.
Along the way, Tom discovered
* Grief is not the enemy. Grief can be one of our greatest teachers.
* It’s the stories we tell that determine whether or not we will heal.
* We will always have a relationship with the people we love that have died.
* We were not born to suffer. We were born to be radiant.
There is a new way to do grief. Let Tom Zuba teach you how.
132 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 1, 2014
122 people are currently reading
621 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 94 reviews
April 14, 2016
I am almost 19 months out from losing my son. I read this book last month, and immediately gave it to a friend in grief and ordered 5 copies for my support group. Tom Zuba gets it, and he communicates in a way that touched my soul and my ruptured heart. I wish I had picked it up sooner - I think it would have been the perfect read in those agonizing 3rd and 4th months where the numbness is wearing off and the horrific reality is setting in. Thank you, Tom, and bless you for sharing so much of yourself so that others may heal.
December 15, 2024
I finished my reading challenge with my grandma by my side. I love you and miss you Tita Chiquis ❤️
May 15, 2016
This was helpful, uplifting, and hopeful. I know I'll end up reading it again and again whenever I'm having a particularly hard time with my grief.
January 4, 2022
This slim book could have been read in one sitting, but I spread it out over a few days to let things soak in. Today as I finish the book, it’s the first anniversary of the death of my daughter from cancer.
This is the most amazing book. I’ve read SO many grief books over the past year and a half, but this one is different. It’s written in a way that makes the reader feel that Tom Zuba is speaking directly to you, and the message gives you strength and understanding. I will read this book again and again, and have already gone back and read certain parts and shared pieces with my family members.
Thank you, Tom, for writing this book.
This is the most amazing book. I’ve read SO many grief books over the past year and a half, but this one is different. It’s written in a way that makes the reader feel that Tom Zuba is speaking directly to you, and the message gives you strength and understanding. I will read this book again and again, and have already gone back and read certain parts and shared pieces with my family members.
Thank you, Tom, for writing this book.
December 26, 2018
I'm a progressive Christian pastor and read this book on the recommendation of a parishioner whose husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. She said this book helped her immensely. So I read this book as a practitioner, not as someone who is currently grieving. My take: It's a quick read but is full of helpful insights. I'm considering buying several copies in bulk to have on hand to give away to church members who are grieving.
January 28, 2015
What courage Tom has to write this book and reach out to others. It is a quick read but an important read. You have the choice how you want to do grief and how you want to live after the death of someone you love ♡♡♡
January 17, 2015
Excellent book
Tom's book is the first book to accurately describe my grief on losing my wife. Very helpful and therapeutic. Well written, could not put it down. Highly recommend it!!! Would give it six stars if I could.
Tom's book is the first book to accurately describe my grief on losing my wife. Very helpful and therapeutic. Well written, could not put it down. Highly recommend it!!! Would give it six stars if I could.
March 14, 2020
This was a beautiful short read. Written as though poetry, Zuba cuts straight to the point: you are allowed to feel what you feel. No need to bury yourself in work, no need to bury yourself in happiness, no need to keep busy There's no need to overperform or underperform your grief if you don't actually feel that way. You are allowed to feel how you feel. But you must also continue to live.
After Zuba experienced the death of his wife and his daughter, he thought he wouldn't be able to go on. He thought about killing others and killing himself. Of course, he'd never do it, but the emotions were so strong and so powerful that it almost felt easier than to feel the grief itself. But feeling grief and beginning the mourning process allowed him to just let it all be, to let it be his new normal. After all, forcing the healing process only slows it down.
Certainly, this was a wise book that offered condolences as well as truth. Definitely worth reading sooner rather than later, and give yourself permission to do so.
Review cross-listed here!
After Zuba experienced the death of his wife and his daughter, he thought he wouldn't be able to go on. He thought about killing others and killing himself. Of course, he'd never do it, but the emotions were so strong and so powerful that it almost felt easier than to feel the grief itself. But feeling grief and beginning the mourning process allowed him to just let it all be, to let it be his new normal. After all, forcing the healing process only slows it down.
Certainly, this was a wise book that offered condolences as well as truth. Definitely worth reading sooner rather than later, and give yourself permission to do so.
Review cross-listed here!
October 2, 2021
Spoiler alert: the “new” way to do grief is to lean into it, to embrace it and walk through it instead of keeping yourself so busy that grief chases you down eventually. In other words, the “new” way is to be emotionally healthy. In short, he says, “feeling your feelings is the path to healing.”
This book is a quick read, written like poetry.
There are some good nuggets, like “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” (the Daniel Tiger paraphrase would be “sometimes you feel two feelings at the same time, abs that’s ok.”) in other ways it was a miss for me. For one, the author and I have very different philosophical views on life (and death). And this book isn’t universally for grief, but is written very specifically about losing a person you loved to death and choosing to go on (so me reading it after some intangible losses and then a miscarriage was a misfire).
This book is a quick read, written like poetry.
There are some good nuggets, like “it doesn’t have to be all or nothing” (the Daniel Tiger paraphrase would be “sometimes you feel two feelings at the same time, abs that’s ok.”) in other ways it was a miss for me. For one, the author and I have very different philosophical views on life (and death). And this book isn’t universally for grief, but is written very specifically about losing a person you loved to death and choosing to go on (so me reading it after some intangible losses and then a miscarriage was a misfire).
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 12, 2019
I don't like most books I (attempt to) read about grief. However, when looking for poetry about something, anything other than love, I came across this book and decided to give it a try. And oh my, how this book has reshaped my perspective. I keep a few of these on hand to gift to friends who lose a loved one. The words are perfect, relevant, kind, and ambiguous enough to fit most situations. It's a must-read for anyone who is or has dealt with grief in their life.
June 18, 2021
This book, as much as I was hesitant to read it, really was helpful. The format was perfect for this topic - no long heavy paragraphs, more like thoughts to take with you. I found quite a few truths about grief in this book. Thank you to whomever sent it to my mom.
January 28, 2023
This book help me understand that it’s okay to still grieve someone and every one’s grief is different. I recommend this book to so many people.
November 25, 2024
It was exactly what I needed at this time in my grief journey!
September 24, 2025
I needed this. Would recommend to anyone and everyone who is navigating grief.
March 12, 2017
This book gave me more comfort and hope than any so far. The poetry format is the perfect bite sized chunks of information for the foggy grief-brain. So glad I stumbled across this book today.
Read
March 13, 2017the first grief book I have read that truly helped me
November 15, 2019
Would recommend to anyone who has not spent time exploring the existential questions of life.
It is a primer on death and life and our own various reactions to loss. It does provide to the reader the comfort of knowing that what they are feeling is not unique.
For deeper exploration of the issues, I would recommend "The Power of Now" and "Loving What Is"
And there is the teaching in Eastern spirituality that suffering comes from our own thoughts and beliefs which the book addresses for beginners.
It is a primer on death and life and our own various reactions to loss. It does provide to the reader the comfort of knowing that what they are feeling is not unique.
For deeper exploration of the issues, I would recommend "The Power of Now" and "Loving What Is"
And there is the teaching in Eastern spirituality that suffering comes from our own thoughts and beliefs which the book addresses for beginners.
February 13, 2015
This is absolutely one of the most insightful and helpful books about grief and loss that I have read. Buy it for yourself and anyone you know who has experienced loss.
April 7, 2017
Excellent
This was a whole different look about grief. I feel better after reading this twice now and I plan on reading it over again.
This was a whole different look about grief. I feel better after reading this twice now and I plan on reading it over again.
November 11, 2020
Months after my son disappeared, I bought this book at the recommendation of others. The first time I read it through, it made me angry. I hated it. How dare the author suggest that somehow I would turn my pain into purpose. My only purpose was to find my son, and that never happened. I almost gave the book away. Then, time went by and a few months ago, I picked it up and started to read it again. It brought me to my knees because I could relate to almost every word. I felt understood and a bit hopeful in a way I hadn’t before.
A few weeks ago, I realized that my neighbor had also lost her son. Since she is only 4 months behind me in this grief journey, I gave her the book hoping that there might be something there to help her. There was.
One of the reasons why the book is helpful is how it’s written, more blank page than prose which is about all my grief brain could handle until very recently.
If you or a loved one has suffered a great loss, one that has left you heartbroken and gasping for breath, I highly recommend this book and I’m sorry for your loss.
A few weeks ago, I realized that my neighbor had also lost her son. Since she is only 4 months behind me in this grief journey, I gave her the book hoping that there might be something there to help her. There was.
One of the reasons why the book is helpful is how it’s written, more blank page than prose which is about all my grief brain could handle until very recently.
If you or a loved one has suffered a great loss, one that has left you heartbroken and gasping for breath, I highly recommend this book and I’m sorry for your loss.
April 1, 2023
Our world was turned upside down in 2020, or mine was, and I wonder if we will ever recover. I know it will never be the same……. Losing both parents within six months of each other (2022 and 2023) rocked my upside down world to the point of what I thought was no return.
Their deaths were unexpected and now I am a 63 year old orphan dealing with so many emotions. I wanted to claw my way back to the person I was six months ago. Needless to say, it was an uphill battle. My son’s in-laws gave me Tom Zumba’s book yesterday and I read it last night. The book validated the fact that that version of ‘me’ from six months ago does not exist anymore and never will.
His book is on my coffee table and I will read it many more times. ‘Go slow’ he says, ‘pay attention’ he says, ‘give yourself permission to mourn’ he says. This is why I will read it again and again. I will find a different version of ‘me’ and I know it will take time and I will be happy with that version too ❣️
Their deaths were unexpected and now I am a 63 year old orphan dealing with so many emotions. I wanted to claw my way back to the person I was six months ago. Needless to say, it was an uphill battle. My son’s in-laws gave me Tom Zumba’s book yesterday and I read it last night. The book validated the fact that that version of ‘me’ from six months ago does not exist anymore and never will.
His book is on my coffee table and I will read it many more times. ‘Go slow’ he says, ‘pay attention’ he says, ‘give yourself permission to mourn’ he says. This is why I will read it again and again. I will find a different version of ‘me’ and I know it will take time and I will be happy with that version too ❣️
November 5, 2023
healing
I really enjoyed this short read. I don’t agree with everything, but I would read it again and again when I feel like I just need to sit with a good friend and be comforted, because this author understands with more depth than I do what grief is and he truly empathizes. You can feel his compassion as you read the book and it is healing. I especially love chapter 10, this is what I’ve been desiring. Just a friend to sit with me and let me talk and tell the story over and over, someone who doesn’t mind listening to what I know is painful and monotonous to hear but for me it is healing. It is good to know it is normal and not selfish to want that. It was also validating that it is ok to take time to mourn, something that we in Our busy culture don’t really take time to do.
I really enjoyed this short read. I don’t agree with everything, but I would read it again and again when I feel like I just need to sit with a good friend and be comforted, because this author understands with more depth than I do what grief is and he truly empathizes. You can feel his compassion as you read the book and it is healing. I especially love chapter 10, this is what I’ve been desiring. Just a friend to sit with me and let me talk and tell the story over and over, someone who doesn’t mind listening to what I know is painful and monotonous to hear but for me it is healing. It is good to know it is normal and not selfish to want that. It was also validating that it is ok to take time to mourn, something that we in Our busy culture don’t really take time to do.
January 14, 2024
The right words at the right moment. Quotes that resonated with me:
“It doesn’t have to be an either-or-situation. It doesn’t have to be ‘all or nothing.’ One feeling [sadness, confusion, anger, despair, bewilderment, grief, depression] can sit right beside another feeling [hope, possibility, peace, relief, gratitude, joy]. You can create space for hope [and joy].”
“And only if you want to learn how to live a full-joy filled life with the death of your beloved. Pray for a miracle. Pray for a shift in perception.”
Appreciate the direction to pick one of the things you can do to heal, and do that each day for the next week:
1. Write in a journal
2. Spend 15 mins a day in silence
3. Commit to crying
4. Start a gratitude journal
5. Rebuild your broken body
6. Get outside and soak up the sun - my suggestion
“It doesn’t have to be an either-or-situation. It doesn’t have to be ‘all or nothing.’ One feeling [sadness, confusion, anger, despair, bewilderment, grief, depression] can sit right beside another feeling [hope, possibility, peace, relief, gratitude, joy]. You can create space for hope [and joy].”
“And only if you want to learn how to live a full-joy filled life with the death of your beloved. Pray for a miracle. Pray for a shift in perception.”
Appreciate the direction to pick one of the things you can do to heal, and do that each day for the next week:
1. Write in a journal
2. Spend 15 mins a day in silence
3. Commit to crying
4. Start a gratitude journal
5. Rebuild your broken body
6. Get outside and soak up the sun - my suggestion
April 21, 2019
Ended up reading this in one sitting. So much of it resonates with my own grief journey as a bereaved parent. Tom acknowledges the devastation and enormity of loss throughout while also offering hope for a healing that isn’t about moving on from loss, but learning to live with loss and the person that loss has made you and how your relationship with your loved one still continues beyond their death. It’s sensitively and gently written and has left me with food for thought. Would thoroughly recommend.
October 13, 2020
With a gorgeous cover that the author painted...Revelation...this book is written in a poetic format. It is easy to jump in and read a little, it is easy to take a moment to contemplate and savor. The author knows of what he speaks. He lost a sibling at a very young age. He lost a young daughter. He lost his wife. He lost his teenage son. He shares with us how he changed his thought processes to not only survive but to develop hope. He maintains relationships with all those who have gone before him.
"Have no expectations. Someone you love dearly has died. Your job is to breathe. Just breathe. Focus on that." Thank you, Tom, and I am highly recommending this to many who are hurting.
"Have no expectations. Someone you love dearly has died. Your job is to breathe. Just breathe. Focus on that." Thank you, Tom, and I am highly recommending this to many who are hurting.
December 12, 2018
The title of this book jumped out at me instantly from the library shelves. I checked it out and held onto it for 5 months without opening it. Today I read it cover to cover. I told myself that I don't have to do what the book says just yet. I just need to read it. To let the words settle. I tell myself I will give myself permission to mourn in one tiny moment, just to start. It's just a beginning.
May 15, 2020
When you grieve you experience mental deficiencies and are buried in a fog of every day life. One that you feel separate from. Initially, it is hard to comprehend large, wordy books on healing. This book is perfect in that respect. Short chapters of short confirmations that read like poetry. A resource you can go back to whenever needed. It is now added to my other two go-to books that help me survive one day at a time - Martha W. Hickman “Healing After Loss” and Jan Warner “Grief Day by Day”.
February 8, 2023
A beautiful and inspirational read
I've read way too many books since my 8 year old grandson was killed 6 months ago. I've discovered new ways to perceive, to think..but often, since my brain isn't working well, they start to run together in my head. Tom's very easy read doesn't land in your wounded brain. It landed in my broken heart. It gives me hope. My daughter, Luke's mom said of all she has read this book has meant the most to her as well. Love and blessings
I've read way too many books since my 8 year old grandson was killed 6 months ago. I've discovered new ways to perceive, to think..but often, since my brain isn't working well, they start to run together in my head. Tom's very easy read doesn't land in your wounded brain. It landed in my broken heart. It gives me hope. My daughter, Luke's mom said of all she has read this book has meant the most to her as well. Love and blessings
October 31, 2023
I read this book based on the recommendation of my therapist. I lost a boyfriend suddenly 26 year ago in a car accident. I lost my my 17 years ago. With both I sort of stuffed all my feelings down and moved on with life. This book would be great foe someone dealing with a loss that has been more recent but it sure made me do a lot of thinking. I took a ton of notes so that I can continue to look at my thoughts and feelings.
July 18, 2019
Excellent book, we lost our son in March 2019 and it has completely shattered our lives, this book was recommended to my wife who found great comfort after reading it, she suggested I follow suit, which I did Tom, gets it so well and his power of expression helps you edge slowly towards the healing process, highly recommended.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 94 reviews