Parenting a Spicy One: A Compassionate Guide for Raising a Deep-Feeling and Wonderfully Strong-Willed Kid

by Mary Van Geffen

Strategies for Raising Your Strong-Willed Child Without Diminishing Their Light
· Transform your relationship with your larger-than-life kid (and yourself)
· Develop calm, connection-based habits
· From mom to a Spicy One (and Spicy One herself)

Tired of negotiating with a tiny tyrant? Feeling drained by extreme emotions and unpredictable outbursts--including your own? Do you fear you might be raising a menace but also want to avoid dimming their sparkly light? Does "gentle parenting" advice make you chuckle bitterly because it doesn't work on your kid?

Welcome to parenting a Spicy One--a child more loyal to their own soul than to your agenda. Parenting coach and adult Spicy One Mary Van Geffen knows raising these future world changers requires courage and compassion. Based on her experience guiding thousands of parents through her program, she offers a transformative approach to
· staying calm during five-alarm tantrums
· choosing connection over control
· maintaining boundaries without crushing their spirit
· finding joy and confidence in parenting this prickly creature
· being okay when they are not
· parenting with a tenderness you never experienced as a child

Each chapter provides small, doable changes to help you become calmer, kinder, and firmer, plus self-reflection questions to help you make space for the exceptional adult your Spicy One will one day become. It's never too late to confidently choose effective, respectful discipline--to transform both your relationship with your larger-than-life kid and yourself.

Genres: Parenting

343 pages, Kindle Edition

Expected publication February 10, 2026

Reviews

[Camden Morgante · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an absolute gem! I was asked to read an early copy to consider sharing with my audience, but I needed this book, too! As a parent of a Spicy One (which Mary defines as deep feeling, strong willed, and/or neurodivergent), I benefitted from the exercises in the book that reframe how you view your kid. As a psychologist, I was impressed with the amount of neuroscience, research, and emotion regulation techniques Mary integrated into the book. This is so much more than a parenting book--it really focuses on you and how you react to your Spicy One. Within days of reading it, my Spicy One had a HUGE meltdown in the toystore--kicking, screaming "I hate you!", crying, yelling. I channeled my inner Queen and left the store carrying my child with as much calm resolution as I could, taking deep breaths and repeating positive mantras to myself. I will recommend this book to any parent, not just parents of Spicy Ones, for its practical and helpful content.

[Athena 💗 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you RB Media and Christian Audio for an ALC of Parenting A Spicy One. The second I saw this cover I knew I needed to listen to it because I have a spicy 10 year old at home. I started listening to it for her but quickly realized the author was describing me. 😳😂 I had to pause the audiobook so I could go call my mother and apologize to her for all the gray hairs I’m sure I was the cause of.

I really enjoyed this book, my only wish is that I had it for when my kids were younger. It is so hard raising strong-willed children while being neurodivergent and sensory sensitive yourself. This audio was like an encouraging warm hug from a mom who knows exactly what you are going through. I listened to this in one day and have already recommended it to every mom I know who also struggles with a spicy child while being neurodivergent. Highly recommend this one!

[Kayla Mellas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book feels like an oasis in the desert, a warm hug, and a shot of espresso. If you have a kiddo who traditional and modern parenting advice doesn’t “work” for, you probably need this book. Mary helps you envision the life you want to create with your family and then gives you the practical tools to work toward it. Mary is hilarious, empathetic, and royal, and she one hundred percent gets you. It’s so easy to feel alone while parenting a spicy one, but know that you are not. I have never felt more seen or hopeful as a parent than when I picked up this book. Thank you, Mary, for mothering the mothers of spicy ones everywhere.

[Robin Augustine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an advanced listening audiobook copy from NetGalley, My spicy neurodivergent is a pre-teen so this book would’ve been better for me to read when he was younger but still enjoyed listening to this. Especially loved the part with the idea to channel the queen when responding to spicy-ness. Good ideas and relatable topics for anyone with a neurodivergent little
One, probably good tips for anyone with little kids whether neurodivergent or not. #ParentingaSpicyOne #NetGalley

[African Women Writing · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was drawn to this book because I’ve recently been upskilling my knowledge around neurodivergence and had come across the term neurospicy. I was also curious as a parent to an 11-year-old, because, as we all know, parenting is not always smooth sailing, and I wanted to see what this book had to offer.

The book is filled with genuinely helpful, practical tips, but what I appreciated most were the reflective questions woven throughout. These invite us, as parents, to pause and examine our actions: whether they are limiting, intentional, or something we can change in order to reach certain goals.

What stood out most to me was the future-looking perspective. The author encourages us to imagine our children as adults and to reflect on what our relationship with them might look like then. What will they say about us, about their childhood, about their home? This deeply resonated with me, as I often reflect on whether I am creating an environment my child won’t need to recover from later in therapy.

I also appreciated that the book avoids a one-size-fits-all approach. It reminds us to take each child as they are, while also questioning why we parent the way we do and why we hold certain beliefs. One moment in particular, when the author reflects on behaving differently with her child than with other people, really stayed with me. It highlighted how our reactions, as parents, can either fuel or deflate a child, and how powerful that awareness can be.

The book also places strong emphasis on re-parenting ourselves, being in tune with our inner child, and understanding how our own experiences shape the way we show up as parents. Alongside this, there are plenty of additional resources for learning more and for deeper self-reflection.

Pub Date: February 10, 2026
Thank you to NetGalley for the advance copy.

Overall, this is a thoughtful, compassionate read that invites honesty, reflection, and growth—for our children, and for ourselves as parents.

[Jenna Lee Dillon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wholeheartedly recommend "Parenting a Spicy One" to EVERY caregiver, whether you think you have a spicy one or not. Because, let's face it, any mild child can have a spicy moment and any mild-child-turned-parent can feel spicy at times.

But let me tell you about the people for whom this book is a two-fold treasure: People like me - Spicy parents of spicy ones.

Here's why: While we may come to this book to hungrily devour approaches for parenting our habanero children, among its pages a special kind of world awaits. A world in which we can name and claim the gifts of our own spiciness, heal the wounds of how the world wanted us mild, get the words for what we need from our loved ones as much as our spicy one needs it from us, and enjoy the kinship of a woman who loves us - and herself - in all our spicy glory. Not despite but because of it.

I cannot recommend this book enough for caregivers. In addition to amazing tactics for better connecting with our children and setting firm, kind, calm boundaries, there's so much healing available here for anyone who wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until adult life or has lived with other neurodivergence.

I'm so glad Mary and this book exist.

[Bethany (Beautifully Bookish Bethany) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had this book several years ago, but I'm glad to have it now! For parents of "spicy" strong-willed and sensitive kids who may or may not be neurodivergent, this is a must read.

It's a thoughtful and compassionate guide for overwhelmed parents that teaches you how to first manage your own emotions in order to create a safe space for your child to work through theirs. I don't read a lot of parenting books, but I can tell you that some of the concepts here have significantly reframed my thinking and given me tools to stay "calm, kind, and firm" regardless of what's happening emotionally with my kids. It's also a good reminder to enjoy the time I have with my kids at home and appreciate their uniqueness, even if the days can be harried.

While there are snippets of Christian spirituality (albeit a version that I wish I had seen growing up in church!) you really don't need to be religious to read this book and get a lot out of it. I appreciate this book more than I can say and will probably buy myself a finished copy once it's available! The audiobook is read by the author and is also fantastic. I received an audio review copy via NetGalley, all opinions are my own.

[Theresa Diulus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mary’s book offers hope when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope. She expertly—and ever so gently—guides you to better understand both your child and yourself, empowering you to show up in ways that foster the connection you’ve been longing for. She shares many stories from her own life as well as from her clients, illustrating not only the effectiveness of her trademark calm, kind, and firm methods, but also the deeply relatable moments most of us would rather forget.

One important reminder she offers is that it’s never too late to apply this knowledge. I’m a “spicy” parent of four adult children and now a grandparent. This is a book I wish I’d had when my children were younger, but it still offers tremendous value in helping me better understand myself and our spicy kids. It’s an invaluable resource—and one I’ll be gifting to many parents.

[Abby Aguilera · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review of advance copy received from Netgalley.

I am neither a spicy one (I fall somewhere in the middle as an autistic mama) nor raising a spicy one (he's a lil bell pepper), but I grew up being the eldest sister to multiple spicy ones. And woo boy would it have been helpful for my parents to have had this instead of Dobson's Strong-Willed Child. I appreciated how practical Ms. Van Geffen's advice is and how vulnerable she is with her own experiences. We all want to raise strong, kind, empathetic humans and this book is a wonderful guide in the pursuit of that.

I was given the opportunity to read this title by NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.

[Lisa Grout · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was provided an early release copy by NetGalley — as a long time follower of Mary on Instagram I was so excited to get my hands on this book. One of many highlights of this book for me was that Mary allows us to hold any value we want without diminishing others!!! It’s one thing you NEVER hear in a parenting book!!! Most parenting books are “do it this way” grandiose… but not when you’re raising a spicy one. We have to figure out what works for you, your spicy one & the family at large and Mary lays out a wonderful road map to do just that.

[Aubrey Baldwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mary gets it. This is the first book I’ve read by someone who has raised a spicy one themselves, and it is an absolute gift to laugh and cry and nod your head through her sharing of stories and wisdom. I feel more centered and peaceful going forward having read her book. I’ve been able to “lower the stakes” as she says and let go of perfection in my parenting and also lessening expectations of our child.

[Caitlin (CMAReads) · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a needed book in the parenting space for those that feel like other advice doesn't quite work for their kids. This was excellent and full of practical and helpful tips. It will be a book that I revisit as needed because it was so helpful. I liked the shorter chapters with actionable items at the end. There's lots of space for reflection, growth, and understanding. This was excellent!
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