Parenting a Spicy One: A Compassionate Guide for Raising a Deep-Feeling and Wonderfully Strong-Willed Kid

by Mary Van Geffen

Strategies for Raising Your Strong-Willed Child Without Diminishing Their Light
· Transform your relationship with your larger-than-life kid (and yourself)
· Develop calm, connection-based habits
· From mom to a Spicy One (and Spicy One herself)

Tired of negotiating with a tiny tyrant? Feeling drained by extreme emotions and unpredictable outbursts--including your own? Do you fear you might be raising a menace but also want to avoid dimming their sparkly light? Does "gentle parenting" advice make you chuckle bitterly because it doesn't work on your kid?

Welcome to parenting a Spicy One--a child more loyal to their own soul than to your agenda. Parenting coach and adult Spicy One Mary Van Geffen knows raising these future world changers requires courage and compassion. Based on her experience guiding thousands of parents through her program, she offers a transformative approach to
· staying calm during five-alarm tantrums
· choosing connection over control
· maintaining boundaries without crushing their spirit
· finding joy and confidence in parenting this prickly creature
· being okay when they are not
· parenting with a tenderness you never experienced as a child

Each chapter provides small, doable changes to help you become calmer, kinder, and firmer, plus self-reflection questions to help you make space for the exceptional adult your Spicy One will one day become. It's never too late to confidently choose effective, respectful discipline--to transform both your relationship with your larger-than-life kid and yourself.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook

343 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 10, 2026

Reviews

[Camden Morgante · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an absolute gem! I was asked to read an early copy to consider sharing with my audience, but I needed this book, too! As a parent of a Spicy One (which Mary defines as deep feeling, strong willed, and/or neurodivergent), I benefitted from the exercises in the book that reframe how you view your kid. As a psychologist, I was impressed with the amount of neuroscience, research, and emotion regulation techniques Mary integrated into the book. This is so much more than a parenting book--it really focuses on you and how you react to your Spicy One. Within days of reading it, my Spicy One had a HUGE meltdown in the toystore--kicking, screaming "I hate you!", crying, yelling. I channeled my inner Queen and left the store carrying my child with as much calm resolution as I could, taking deep breaths and repeating positive mantras to myself. I will recommend this book to any parent, not just parents of Spicy Ones, for its practical and helpful content.

[Wick Welker · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is not a bad parenting book if you have a "Spicy One." I found most of the advice to be similar to other parenting books I've read and so didn't find the book unique but it may be helpful if you haven't read a book like this. However, I was annoyed that the author only directed this to mothers. I just don't understand the exclusion of fathers which is sexist against men and women and just reinforces the stereotype that children or "spicy ones" are primarily the mother's job. Additionally the author cites some very clear psuedoscience (the good vibes changing how water freezes? Come on). This is not an academically robust book at all. But again, lots of the advice is very practical.

Two books I recommend over this are Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by Gottman https://www.goodreads.com/review/show... and Good Inside by Kennedy https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/5...

[Athena 💗 · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you RB Media and Christian Audio for an ALC of Parenting A Spicy One. The second I saw this cover I knew I needed to listen to it because I have a spicy 10 year old at home. I started listening to it for her but quickly realized the author was describing me. 😳😂 I had to pause the audiobook so I could go call my mother and apologize to her for all the gray hairs I’m sure I was the cause of.

I really enjoyed this book, my only wish is that I had it for when my kids were younger. It is so hard raising strong-willed children while being neurodivergent and sensory sensitive yourself. This audio was like an encouraging warm hug from a mom who knows exactly what you are going through. I listened to this in one day and have already recommended it to every mom I know who also struggles with a spicy child while being neurodivergent. Highly recommend this one!

[Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve followed Mary’s work for a while and had the privilege of being on her launch team for Parenting a Spicy One. As a mom of two spicy children, I truly need all the help I can get — and this book felt like a breath of fresh air.

From the very first page, I felt seen.

I’ve read a lot of parenting books, and often they feel lofty or disconnected from real life with multiple kids and big emotions. This one is different. Mary invites us into her real, messy journey of raising a spicy child with honesty and humility. There’s no pretending, no perfection — just compassion, empathy, and practical wisdom.

What has impacted me most are the reminders Mary shares that hit home in everyday life, like: “The real work of parenting is delighting in your child. Look up from your to-do list,” and “It is not possible to skip self-compassion and still give compassion to your kid.” These truths make it easier to notice joy in the messy, everyday moments and remind us that we and our children are worthy of love and delight, flaws and all.

While this book is written for parents of “spicy” kids, I truly believe every parent could benefit from reading it. It’s about breaking cycles, parenting with integrity, and building long-term relationships rooted in compassion and unconditional love.

This is one of my favorite parenting books I’ve ever read — not because it promises quick fixes, but because it offers something better: understanding, hope, and a gentler, more joyful way forward.

[Laura W · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do yourself a favor and get this both in print and audiobook. Audiobook is AmAzInG because Mary reading is hilarious and delightful, and you’re also going to want a hard copy to highlight and re-read. She gets it! To read this and feel understood by such a delightful human means a lot. There’s so much grace here. And also hope for growth in leadership and connection and joy in the spiciness God gave us for our benefit.

[Kayla Mellas · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book feels like an oasis in the desert, a warm hug, and a shot of espresso. If you have a kiddo who traditional and modern parenting advice doesn’t “work” for, you probably need this book. Mary helps you envision the life you want to create with your family and then gives you the practical tools to work toward it. Mary is hilarious, empathetic, and royal, and she one hundred percent gets you. It’s so easy to feel alone while parenting a spicy one, but know that you are not. I have never felt more seen or hopeful as a parent than when I picked up this book. Thank you, Mary, for mothering the mothers of spicy ones everywhere.

[Robin Augustine · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received an advanced listening audiobook copy from NetGalley, My spicy neurodivergent is a pre-teen so this book would’ve been better for me to read when he was younger but still enjoyed listening to this. Especially loved the part with the idea to channel the queen when responding to spicy-ness. Good ideas and relatable topics for anyone with a neurodivergent little
One, probably good tips for anyone with little kids whether neurodivergent or not. #ParentingaSpicyOne #NetGalley

[Rachelle Cobb · Rating 4 out of 5]

The first third is a little woo-woo (parenting your inner child) but I really liked the remainder. I don’t agree with everything, but I highlighted a LOT and especially loved her tips for tantrums and co-parenting from different families of origin. I appreciated her comparison of different parenting styles and would recommend this to parents of “strong-willed” children!

[Micah McCarty · Rating 2 out of 5]

1.5 stars but I'm rounding up. This book has a misleading title. It should be called "Mothering a Spicy One, Especially if you are Evangelical Christian."

First, I need there to be trigger warnings on books that don't publicize themselves as "Christian" but in fact are riddled with the secret language of Christianity only those who were raised in the evangelical subculture will hear or understand. After listening to this audiobook for fifteen minutes I texted my wife (who recommended we read it) and asked if this was a Jesus book. She didn't think so but she only knows the author from her IG stories. I told her I would stick with it as long as the author never asks me to tap both sides of my body while praying over my son. (Because I know this is a thing some white Christian moms are really into.) Little did I know that about halfway through the book one of her suggested calming activities IS TO TAP BOTH SIDES OF YOUR BODY WHILE PRAYING OVER YOUR CHILD. Now I'm not passing judgment on those who think this works. You go for it. But for those who don't believe this is effective it is an absurd suggestion with no scientific evidence of efficacy.

Second, it should have been called "Mothering" because the author has no respect for the role of an attentive husband who might also be seeking help in parenting a spicy child. Throughout the book she belittles or completely ignores the role of fathers. Towards the end she even speaks specifically about the role of "the coparent." She won't even mention the word fathers. With a disclaimer she says, now this may sound genderist but... and then goes on to explain how the only way a coparent could possibly understand any of this is if the mother walks him through the process. Maybe you can get him to read parts of this book or watch videos on IG. But she cannot seem to imagine that there could be a father who may be reading this book before his wife or that a father is even capable of attempting to learn tips on parenting a spicy child.

While I'm obviously offended by the two elements above, the book itself wasn't even that helpful in offering any new advice to our situation. Lots of pop Evangelical phrases and little tangible or scientific tools to use. Highly disappointed.

[Ro U · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy cow did I love this book. It landed in my hands at exactly the right time. Over the past few years I’ve been realizing that not only do I have a spicy one, but my spouse and I are spicy ones too… which has been… illuminating. Reading this felt like finding not just a guidebook, but a mirror and a bit of a lifeline.

The tone is so wonderfully conversational and engaging that I kept thinking, “Oh wow, someone gets it.” It’s packed with practical, doable ideas, but never in a preachy way. More like a wise friend sitting across from you saying, “Here’s what helped.”

And honestly? The reviews here almost felt like part of the experience. There’s something powerful about realizing we are very much not alone in this. I’d recommend this to any caregiver, not just those raising spicy ones. I already know I’ll be coming back to it again and again.

Thank you Revell and Netgally for the ARC. A rare 5 stars for me.

[Rachelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

In the opening scene Mary describes holding her child during a meltdown. And not an ordinary "my kid throws a tantrum too" type of meltdown, but a five-alarm situation with screaming, attempted biting, and physical bruising (of Mary by her child). I could feel the intensity of that moment because I have been Mary from the bites to the screams, I have been there. And I knew right then this book was going to change me (and I hadn't even finished the Introduction). Mary's chapters continued to validate my experience with a spicy one while also pushing me to examine my own spiciness. How do I identify the good in my child? How do I regulate myself (because if I don't there is zero chance of me regulating my child)? How do I tap into my inner queen? How do I recover and repair after a situation? This book helped me to reframe my parenting and what is within my control and what really isn't. And reminded me that I am not alone on this journey of parenting a spicy one. We (parents of spicy ones) are out there and Mary's book, whether physically or symbolically, has helped us come together to form our own spicy community.

[Arianna (ariannasreading) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book - definitely one of my favourite parenting books. As an autistic mom of autistic kids, it can be challenging to find parenting books that are actually helpful for us and offer realistic, practical methods for helping our kids and ourselves without leaving either party feeling ashamed, abandoned, or misunderstood. There were many times throughout the book that I’d stop reading to say to my husband, “this!!! This is exactly what I’ve been talking about!”

Truly, 10/10. This book ATE.

[Charity · Rating 5 out of 5]

I nearly cried tears (of relief) just in the introduction of this book. It felt SO good to be seen. Mary's book teaches us to co-exist with our little future leaders, to connect with them and guide them as gracefully as possible into adulthood, despite their spicy disposition. Our kids aren't broken, and we're not bad parents, but understanding where they are coming from and adjusting our own knee-jerk response through Mary's tips has been SO helpful. I've already diverted several tantrums with my toddler from reading this. I very much appreciated that this book felt super real and also brought some lightness to what feels like an exhausting situation. It feels less stressful in my house. THANK YOU, MARY!

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I received an early copy of Parenting a Spicy One: A Compassionate Guide for Raising a Deep-Feeling and Wonderfully Strong-Willed Kid by Mary Van Geffen in exchange for an honest review.

The beginning of Mary’s book Parenting a Spicy One immediately brought me back to the days when my spicy child was younger and at her spiciest. Her first anecdote is something I could have written myself, and her retelling transported me right back to those moments and emotions.

“Nothing works with this child. Everything is a power struggle. I’m so sick of being the one in charge,” she writes.

And at another point: “I’m not sure what’s harder—everyone knowing your kid is different or them being model citizens out in the world but acting surly and aggressive at home.”

That’s when I knew I was in good hands with someone who truly gets it and has been there. This is the book I wish I’d had years ago, when I was reading book after book, desperate for something to help me “crack the code” of parenting my strong-willed and beautifully sensitive child and bring more calm into our lives. It’s unfortunate for me that this book came a few years too late, and that we went through a long period of intense professional help to get through it. However, if you have a spicy one you’re still struggling with — if you’re in the thick of it and feeling like you’re drowning — this is the book for you. The skills taught here are sound and echo what we learned the hard way through years of occupational therapy and parent-child interaction therapy, so I’m pleased to be able to validate that This Shit Works.

The book is broken into four parts. The first sets the foundation: what makes a child “spicy,” whether you were one yourself, and naming the tough emotional challenges your family is facing. The second, labeled KIND, is about finding your way to your best self even when things are hard: how to stay curious about your child and their feelings, speak kindly even when you’re mad, and rebuild the connection that may have been worn down by daily power struggles and screaming. The third part, CALM, is exactly what it sounds like: how to regulate yourself first so you can help regulate your child, what to do during a tantrum, and — importantly for many families with more intensely aggressive kids — what to do when the tantrum turns to violence. The fourth and final part is FIRM, defining what discipline is and isn’t, how to set boundaries and stick to them, and how to repair. I was also really pleased to see a chapter dedicated to a spicy one’s siblings: how to protect them and ensure they don’t feel adrift when the spicy one’s hurricanes are constantly drawing so much attention in the house.

While some of the techniques and knowledge in this book may be familiar, what sets Mary’s book apart is that it’s written specifically with realistic and challenging scenarios in mind. In other books, you might find similar advice but paired with examples you know would never happen in your house. My child will never accept “no” the first time, or even the second. After an hour of desperate screaming? Yeah, that’s more likely. I appreciate that Mary gets that, and she explains and guides her advice with exactly that reality in mind. She knows it will be hard, that you’re burned out, exhausted, and struggling, and she’s here to help you through it. She offers multiple approaches for each strategy, which is helpful both as options to try and as a way to craft something that works specifically for your family.

There are some religious mentions in this book, which I know can be off-putting for people who weren’t expecting them (I can’t tell you how many times I bought a Christian parenting book without realizing every page was going to tell me to pray it away). I did get a little nervous when faith was first brought up, but thankfully Mary makes it clear that when she speaks of faith, it doesn’t have to be religious. Honestly, it’s not brought up again until much later in the book, and more as a way to connect to something larger than yourself, which you can define however you’d like (or not at all). So if you’re recovering from a past where religion pained you, know you’re still in good hands and don’t need to pass this book up because of it. I do want to mention it, though, so you aren’t taken by surprise.

Mary’s book is also very clearly written for moms and a female audience. At first, I wondered why. Couldn’t everyone benefit from this knowledge? But by the end, I was convinced this was the right choice. Firstly, and perhaps regrettably, many men simply won’t read parenting books. And the truth is, if she had de-gendered the book, I think it would have weakened its impact. She knows her audience: moms who are trying hard to be good parents, who care deeply about doing right by their kids, and who are also struggling. She understands the baggage women carry, the generational expectations and societal judgment, and she writes directly to that experience. The book wouldn’t resonate as strongly without it.

She does include a chapter on working with a spouse who is triggered by the spicy child and helping them learn the guidance. I appreciated her callouts about how men are often raised within a version of masculinity that makes it harder to engage with books like this and to process their own emotions. These are all true and valid points. But (and to be clear, this isn’t Mary’s fault; it’s a culture problem), it does still sting that even when we’re trying to do better than our parents and raise our kids differently, the mental burden often falls on women. She acknowledges this and encourages you to focus on your own work first, rather than feeling responsible for teaching everyone else, including your spouse.

All in all, this book is honest, compassionate, and real. If you have a spicy child, you will feel that Mary knows exactly what you’ve been through — because she does — and she writes about it well. She’s lived it, and thankfully she’s sharing what she’s learned with the rest of us, reaching a hand out to other moms so we can guide our kids more calmly, kindly, and firmly. Her book will help bring peace to families who need it and help raise spicy kids who can keep their spark without feeling constantly put down or at odds with others. That, I think, is a wonderful thing.

I’m so glad she wrote this book. If you’re feeling like you’re drowning with a child whose emotions feel big and unpredictable, and whose strong will sometimes pushes against your boundaries, I hope you pick it up, read it, and find some peace.

[Renee Berry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am the mother of a 6.5 year old "spicy one." After having two daughters who are far easier to parent in many ways, our spicy one came along and rocked our world. His meltdowns and tantrums felt so difficult to get a handle on, and over time, he figured out exactly how to escalate for maximum impact. Like most spicy ones, his rage can trigger our rage, and lead us to make poor parenting choices we never intended to make. We had dabbled in some of Mary's content before, and we did a few months of family therapy last year. However, this book is exactly the missing piece I needed to help synthesize all of the changes we've tried to make and bring a sense of calm to our household for good.

From the first pages of this book, I felt the author truly understood what it is like to have a child like mine. I saw his behaviors and personality reflected in all of the examples. Even my son himself has now been asking, "Does your book say anything that would help with this?" I have already used techniques from the book (seeing myself as an "anger doula") to help him calm himself and avert a full-scale meltdown. I have also used tips from the book to improve the quality of the time I am spending with all 3 of my kids, and to reflect on our family's values. The book teaches real strategies for communicating with a "difficult" or strong-willed child without getting angry yourself, which allows you to hold boundaries with kindness. It also covers how to reduce the frequency of these blowups in the first place by better understanding your child and yourself. The book is extremely thorough and also has chapters on siblings' relationships with the spicy one, as well as on how to collaborate with your co-parent on the techniques.

The only drawback of this book for me is that it's very much geared towards moms, and it's a little difficult to just hand it off to a dad to read. My husband is willing to read it, and I think it's a must for him to read to be on the same page with me, but the book kind of treats dad readers as secondary. The chapter about co-parenting that I mentioned explains why the author did this, and I get it, but for my needs, I would have preferred if I could just hand it off to my husband to read without having to explain that. This book has the potential to greatly improve life in our family, and I would recommend it to anyone with a strong-willed child. If everyone read it, the world would be a much more peaceful place.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been following Mary Van Geffen online for years. Her message of love and grace to moms of “Spicy Ones” was a balm for my frustrated, tired, and, admittedly, angry mama soul. My own Spicy One was an early elementary student at the time, and we were only a couple of years out of the toddler/preschool years, when she would routinely throw 45 minute tantrums. She was hard-headed, sensitive, smart, highly verbal, and emotionally volatile, going from fine to volcano in a matter of moments. I was at my wits end. Enter Mary Van Geffen, the Grand Dame Spicy One herself, who reminded me that my child’s stubbornness was really just leadership qualities in an unregulated little body. That her sensitivity and need for absolute equality with her sister meant that one day she might grow up to be a social justice warrior. She told me to love myself and forgive myself for my anger and my failures. Because of her unbelievable kindness, I stopped seeing my daughter as a problem to be solved, and started looking at her as an amazing, vivacious, force of nature who was going to change the world one day. All of Mary’s goodness is squeezed into every nook and cranny of her book, “Parenting a Spicy One”. She gives us wisdom on looking back at our own childhood and naming the disappointments and heartbreak that might be triggering for us as we parent. There’s a whole chapter on identifying the mean girl that lives inside of you that reminds you of your failures (and how we learn to ignore that girl!). Woven throughout is Mary’s signature love for moms and for Spicy Ones (be they moms or kids). I came away from this read with a lot to think about, and some chapters I’ll be subtly marking as a “must read” for my husband as we navigate this journey together. I highly recommend this to any parent, but especially those who have kids who are highly sensitive, have big emotions and a hard time regulating them, the kids who’d rather fight you about the logic of what you said rather than just doing what you asked. This book will remind you what a gift your child is, and how you are the best and only parent they need. You’ll come away encouraged and informed, and hopefully, empowered to grow into the parent you want to be.

[African Women Writing · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was drawn to this book because I’ve recently been upskilling my knowledge around neurodivergence and had come across the term neurospicy. I was also curious as a parent to an 11-year-old, because, as we all know, parenting is not always smooth sailing, and I wanted to see what this book had to offer.

The book is filled with genuinely helpful, practical tips, but what I appreciated most were the reflective questions woven throughout. These invite us, as parents, to pause and examine our actions: whether they are limiting, intentional, or something we can change in order to reach certain goals.

What stood out most to me was the future-looking perspective. The author encourages us to imagine our children as adults and to reflect on what our relationship with them might look like then. What will they say about us, about their childhood, about their home? This deeply resonated with me, as I often reflect on whether I am creating an environment my child won’t need to recover from later in therapy.

I also appreciated that the book avoids a one-size-fits-all approach. It reminds us to take each child as they are, while also questioning why we parent the way we do and why we hold certain beliefs. One moment in particular, when the author reflects on behaving differently with her child than with other people, really stayed with me. It highlighted how our reactions, as parents, can either fuel or deflate a child, and how powerful that awareness can be.

The book also places strong emphasis on re-parenting ourselves, being in tune with our inner child, and understanding how our own experiences shape the way we show up as parents. Alongside this, there are plenty of additional resources for learning more and for deeper self-reflection.

Pub Date: February 10, 2026
Thank you to NetGalley for the advance copy.

Overall, this is a thoughtful, compassionate read that invites honesty, reflection, and growth—for our children, and for ourselves as parents.

[CrysTellsReads · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Parenting a Spicy One: A Compassionate Guide for Raising a Deep-Feeling and Wonderfully Strong-Willed Kid — Mary Van Geffen (5/5)

This audiobook was an absolute gem—and it had me feeling seen within the first few chapters.

As a parent of a “Spicy One” (Mary’s term for kids who are deep-feeling, strong-willed, and/or neurodivergent), I didn’t just relate… I needed this. It genuinely felt like Mary had a real-life window into my current day-to-day with my 4-year-old—right down to the parts I’ve been embarrassed about and convinced I was the only one experiencing.

Huge thank you to @librofm and @christianaudio for the early listen. 💛

🎧 Narration note: Mary narrates this herself, and it was an absolute joy to listen to. It feels like a supportive, wise friend walking you through the hard stuff—without judgment.

📓 Also: grab a notebook. There are quizzes + exercises throughout, and they’re the kind you’ll actually want to pause and do because they help you reframe your child (and yourself) in real time.

The book is broken into four parts and each one is so practical and compassionate:

✨ Foundation — what makes a child “spicy,” how your own history can shape your triggers, and naming what your family is really up against.
💗 KIND — staying curious, speaking gently even when you’re maxed out, and rebuilding connection after power struggles and screaming.
🫶 CALM — regulating yourself first, what to do during tantrums, and real guidance for when meltdowns escalate into aggression.
🧱 FIRM — what discipline is (and isn’t), setting boundaries you can stick to, and how to repair after hard moments.

And I really appreciated the chapter on siblings—because it’s so easy for them to feel adrift when the spicy one’s hurricanes are constantly pulling focus at home.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re failing because your child’s big feelings are bigger than your tools… this is a compassionate reset with actionable steps you can actually use.

[Francis Tapon · Rating 5 out of 5]

This a fabulous audiobook.

The narrator is absolutely outstanding. She acts out different voices hilariously and convincingly. I highly recommend the audiobook.

I expected this book to be a repeat of the good book called "Raising Your Spirited Child."

However, this one is better. That's mainly because the first quarter of the book focuses on YOU rather than your spicy child. It implies that you are likely part of the reason your child is spicy. It could be because you or your partner were spicy when they were young. In other words, your child inherited your DNA. What a surprise.

It's also partly caused by your parenting techniques. Parents of spicy children tend to be somewhat neurotic and demanding, and that causes conflict. It's a bitter pill to swallow, especially if you have some non-spicy children. You could point to them and say that you did all right there.

However, those normal children may be coping with your neurotic and demanding parenting in a different way than your spicy one. They may be quietly suffering.

The author has a chapter on how your normal children get screwed up, even though they appear normal.

This book forces you to look in the mirror. You can be triggering as a parent. You can make a tricky child far worse, and that's what this book is all about. It's about controlling the only thing you can control: Yourself.

[Jenna Lee Dillon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wholeheartedly recommend "Parenting a Spicy One" to EVERY caregiver, whether you think you have a spicy one or not. Because, let's face it, any mild child can have a spicy moment and any mild-child-turned-parent can feel spicy at times.

But let me tell you about the people for whom this book is a two-fold treasure: People like me - Spicy parents of spicy ones.

Here's why: While we may come to this book to hungrily devour approaches for parenting our habanero children, among its pages a special kind of world awaits. A world in which we can name and claim the gifts of our own spiciness, heal the wounds of how the world wanted us mild, get the words for what we need from our loved ones as much as our spicy one needs it from us, and enjoy the kinship of a woman who loves us - and herself - in all our spicy glory. Not despite but because of it.

I cannot recommend this book enough for caregivers. In addition to amazing tactics for better connecting with our children and setting firm, kind, calm boundaries, there's so much healing available here for anyone who wasn't diagnosed with ADHD until adult life or has lived with other neurodivergence.

I'm so glad Mary and this book exist.

[Bethany (Beautifully Bookish Bethany) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had this book several years ago, but I'm glad to have it now! For parents of "spicy" strong-willed and sensitive kids who may or may not be neurodivergent, this is a must read.

It's a thoughtful and compassionate guide for overwhelmed parents that teaches you how to first manage your own emotions in order to create a safe space for your child to work through theirs. I don't read a lot of parenting books, but I can tell you that some of the concepts here have significantly reframed my thinking and given me tools to stay "calm, kind, and firm" regardless of what's happening emotionally with my kids. It's also a good reminder to enjoy the time I have with my kids at home and appreciate their uniqueness, even if the days can be harried.

While there are snippets of Christian spirituality (albeit a version that I wish I had seen growing up in church!) you really don't need to be religious to read this book and get a lot out of it. I appreciate this book more than I can say and will probably buy myself a finished copy once it's available! The audiobook is read by the author and is also fantastic. I received an audio review copy via NetGalley, all opinions are my own.

[Theresa Diulus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mary’s book offers hope when you feel like you’re at the end of your rope. She expertly—and ever so gently—guides you to better understand both your child and yourself, empowering you to show up in ways that foster the connection you’ve been longing for. She shares many stories from her own life as well as from her clients, illustrating not only the effectiveness of her trademark calm, kind, and firm methods, but also the deeply relatable moments most of us would rather forget.

One important reminder she offers is that it’s never too late to apply this knowledge. I’m a “spicy” parent of four adult children and now a grandparent. This is a book I wish I’d had when my children were younger, but it still offers tremendous value in helping me better understand myself and our spicy kids. It’s an invaluable resource—and one I’ll be gifting to many parents.

[Rebecca Dollard · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first and only parenting book that I’d give 5 stars to. This book is phenomenal not only for the act of parenting- but the experience we have as parents.

I was moved to tears with the language, permission, love and grace not only for my spicy kiddo- but my spicy self.

Not only that, this teaches practical and tangible ways to parent through behaviors and experiences that most other “parent experts” never dare to address.

I wish I had this book when my spicy one was a toddler- but I sure am glad I found it for the teen years too.

Mary brings conscious and kind leadership parenting where we have authority, but we don’t use that to attempt or force control, shame, or fear. But unlike many gentle parenting approaches, it also is clear with boundaries and sends the messages to our kids that we have them. A phenomenal book for parents who want to teach their kids healthy emotional regulation and connection by being the example.

I absolutely loved this book and can’t wait to listen to the audiobook!

[Joy B · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a phenomenal book of inspiration, guidance, and encouragement for helping your spicy one grow into the magical person they are and helping you parent them without diminishing their sparkle. A combination of Mary’s world wide taught 8 week private class plus her other classes, this book is such a valuable resource and gives actual, practical advice and things to implement while giving parents guidance and encouragement and things to reflect on. Thank you Mary for all your words and wisdom! She also organized it in a way that is simple and easy to read for parents who are short on time or have ADHD! She included specifics for behaviors that often come along with a spicy child and how to work through such with kindness. I can’t recommend highly enough!

[A Pixie Bookshelf · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book resonated with me from the very first page. Although it’s written for parents of “spicy” kids, I genuinely believe every parent could benefit from it. At its core, it’s about breaking cycles, parenting with integrity, and building long-term relationships grounded in compassion and unconditional love.
I’m not a parent myself, but as both a sibling of a “spicy” child and a “spicy” person in my own right, this book felt deeply personal. I’ll be gifting it to my mum, because I know it’s something she’ll connect with too.

I absolutely loved this book. It came into my life at exactly the right moment. Reading it felt like discovering not just a guide, but a mirror—and, in many ways, a lifeline.

[Abby Aguilera · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review of advance copy received from Netgalley.

I am neither a spicy one (I fall somewhere in the middle as an autistic mama) nor raising a spicy one (he's a lil bell pepper), but I grew up being the eldest sister to multiple spicy ones. And woo boy would it have been helpful for my parents to have had this instead of Dobson's Strong-Willed Child. I appreciated how practical Ms. Van Geffen's advice is and how vulnerable she is with her own experiences. We all want to raise strong, kind, empathetic humans and this book is a wonderful guide in the pursuit of that.

I was given the opportunity to read this title by NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.

[Emery Tew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mary had me laughing, crying, smiling, and nodding my head! Her questions challenged me to really look past the surface level and let go and heal from things in the past. Her suggestions were simple; in that I could apply them the next day and with consistency, I have seen positive impacts on my relationships within my family and in my preschool classroom. This was a book I didn't want to put down, but needed to so I could process what I read and decide how I wanted to apply it; not just read it like a textbook for knowledge. And I could relate to her examples and feel like I wasn't alone in this journey of loving "the spicy ones"!

[Rebekah Meadows · Rating 5 out of 5]

So niche, but exactly my niche right now. As a mom of two sensitive children, with also very spicy, this is a breath of fresh air to their very sensitive mama. I’m already implementing her encouragements in our home.

My only critique - the author is technically a Christian and does tie in her faith as part of her support as a parent. Normally that would be a red flag for me, but I found this author did not abuse or overly emphasize her faith when presenting her findings and information. This book is still digestible, respectful, empathetic and supportive to those who may not share the same views.

[Lisa Grout · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was provided an early release copy by NetGalley — as a long time follower of Mary on Instagram I was so excited to get my hands on this book. One of many highlights of this book for me was that Mary allows us to hold any value we want without diminishing others!!! It’s one thing you NEVER hear in a parenting book!!! Most parenting books are “do it this way” grandiose… but not when you’re raising a spicy one. We have to figure out what works for you, your spicy one & the family at large and Mary lays out a wonderful road map to do just that.

[Daphne Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot WAIT to receive my hard copy and mark up everything that I've highlighted in my advanced copy.

This book is for the adult spicy ones (neurodivergent), and for those parenting their own spicy pepper babies! This book is a balm to the weary spicy parent's soul, and it will help you learn how to prioritize connection over control.

It resonates so deeply with the 6 years of counseling I've received, but having the visual reminders while reading is so helpful when you can't wait for the next therapy session!

Mary Van Geffen doesn't just heal your heart and inner child, she teaches you HOW to handle your spicy self and child!! Real tangible strategies that will not only help your child in the moment, but they will learn those co-regulation skills and use them to self regulate as they grow up.

Warning: she will have you facing your own parental flaws and hang ups, and in doing so, healing parts you didn't know needed healing! ❤️‍🩹