Growing Up Saved: When Loving God Feels Like Losing Yourself

by Kristen LaValley

National Bestseller!

What do you do if the faith that raised you seems to fail when you need it the most?

Kristen LaValley grew up a church kid through and through. She said "the sinner's prayer" before she could write her name—and spent the next few decades trying to prove she meant it; in a body that couldn't rest, with a mind she didn't yet understand, under a God she was afraid to disappoint. She learned to perform the kind of faith that got one that hid pain and swallowed questions.

But in the thick of depression, spiritual exhaustion, and a late ADHD diagnosis, she found herself wondering if the faith she'd built her life on could really hold her.

In Growing Up Saved, Kristen maps the slow undoing of a faith formed in certainty and what it took to find God in the middle of her unraveling.

In these pages, you'll find authenticity, empathy, and compassionate theology as you

how to find your way through a faith that was formed in fearthe intersection of trauma, mental health, neurodivergence, and spiritual identitythe healing work of making peace with your body, your mind, and your storya path for those navigating life after disillusionment, burnout, religious trauma, or pain
This book isn't a call to give up on faith. It's an invitation to hold it differently. With tenderness, grit, and humor, Kristen offers a hard-won way through grief and grace to a messy, holy rebuilding.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Christian, Faith, Audiobook, Religion, Biography Memoir

232 pages, Kindle Edition

Published March 3, 2026

About the author

Kristen LaValley is a writer and storyteller whose words offer a refreshing perspective on faith and spirituality and resonate with those who carry tension in their faith. She offers insights that intersect doubt and belief, hope and suffering, beauty and heartache. With a deep love for the Christian faith and a willingness to explore its complexities, Kristen's writing offers nuanced conversations that challenge readers to think deeply and wrestle with important questions. Kristen lives in Massachusetts with her husband, Zach, and their five children.

Reviews

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Growing Up Saved is a sigh of relief. Kristen took a weight off my shoulders I didn’t even know I was carrying.
So many times, I found myself saying: “I agree, but I didn’t know I was allowed to say that!” There are many thoughts and feelings I’ve had over my lifetime that I’ve squashed down because it didn’t fit properly into the type of Christian that I thought I had to be.
My biggest takeaway from this book is that it is okay to question, to change my mind, and to disagree. I can do all these things and still be safe AND loved by God.

[Rebeca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book has been like sitting on a couch next to a friend and swapping stories of how our pain has shaped us. I've remembered many painful church stories and cried as the stories in this book held me. I've also reminisced and laughed about some of the things I said or did as an early 2000s church kid and I've whispered "me too" as I've read some of Kristen's more lighthearted passages.

Spiritual and religious trauma has changed and shaped me in many ways over the past few years, but what a relief it is to know that I am not alone. Reading that I do not have to be defined by my "church hurt" has been a welcome reminder. What a gift it is to have people like Kristen who help pave the way for the hurting and those scorned by the church in order for us to walk in wholeness and authenticity as we navigate our own journeys of deconstruction, regardless of where we may end up.

If you've suffered at the hands of the church, I am sorry. I believe you. I can't recommend this book enough. It's been a therapeutic read and a comfort to me. Thank you to Kristen for pulling up chairs for those of us who are broken and hurting. You've embodied the gospel message in a beautiful and inspiring way.

[Melody Schwarting · Rating 2 out of 5]

The cover of Growing Up Saved is so fantastic and the premise really appealed to me. I related to plenty of LaValley's story, and also not. I wasn’t raised in Pentecostalism, and though I have worked at Christian organizations, I have never been an employee at a church. I think LaValley has a talent for life writing and clearly has wonderful thoughts to share with the world.

Unfortunately, three things really didn't work for me here.

First, each chapter begins with a personal story, recounts her healing and growth, and then devolves into a second-person prescriptive sermon to the reader on how to think and feel, and what to believe. Maybe I don't read enough contemporary Christian living, but I really didn't like reading "you" and being told what to think. I would have preferred being presented with an argument and led to the conclusion.

Second, LaValley doesn't acknowledge her own culpability: "But the reality is that many of us have experienced the opposite of these [love one another] commands in church spaces. When I reread these verses after Zach and I faced spiritual trauma as adults, I fully scoffed at them. I thought, Ha! Yeah, right. As if anyone actually does any of those things. (chapter 1) I understand that this was said in the aftermath of what I consider a comically evil pastor moment (if I have the timeline right). Yet, at that time, the LaValleys were in positions of authority at church too. They, like me, are responsible for those commands, and isolating the thought and putting it in this book is...a choice. I am really tired of people making careers from "I was hurt at Bad Theology Place" without saying "and I hurt others too." If one believed Bad Theology for so long, and had a position of authority in it, one certainly perpetuated some of that self-same harm on others. Her story of faking tongues is a case in point: the pressure to do it was harmful to her, but her choice to fake it was harmful by perpetuating the pressure on others. Both are true!

Third, this from chapter 10: "I hear criticism about my work. About my writing. They think I don't talk about sin enough, or they don't like what I've said about the systems of the church. They accuse me of not sharing enough context. Of not clearing enough names. I don't say enough. I say too much. I'm dramatic. I'm irreverent. I'm negative. I'm destructive. I'm too progressive. I'm not clear enough about where I stand. I'm too soft on things I should be hard about and too hard on things I should be soft about. I'm an offense. I'm a liability. I'm gonna throw up." I don't even want to elaborate on why this should not have been published.

Again, I think LaValley is a good writer, and overall has good things to say. The first two elements just soured the book for me, and the third just really lowered her in my opinion of her as an author.

tl;dr going back to my annual re-read of Revelations of Divine Love by Julian of Norwich!

[Jen Bradbury · Rating 3 out of 5]

I expected to like this one a lot more than I did. I resonated with a lot of Kirsten’s story. I loved this idea and will be thinking about it for a long time: “the worst thing you can be as a Christian woman is disruptive.” But in the end, most of this one just felt a little blah for me.

[Victoria Love · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a book. Truly. I listened to the audiobook, and the moment it was over started searching for where I can buy a physical copy so I can mark it up and claim some of Kristen’s revelatory statements as personal affirmations. There were so many things that hit me square in the gut, as a born and raised “pentebaptist” (coined by my mother) who is now reconciling the faith I was taught with the faith I possess. I’ll be sitting with this one for a WHILE.

[Kait · Rating 3 out of 5]

So much of this book followed parellel to my life and experience and where my faith kind of is right now. She rambles a bit in spots and its not as cohesive as it could be, but I appreciated the honest hopeful look for those of us deconstructing that are still staying in the church.

[Allee Torres · Rating 3 out of 5]

Way more Christian than I had realized, not my style or spiritual bent anymore. However, it’s well written and good for those who grew up evangelical and still working through the framework. There was just a bit too much “Jesus loves you, God loves you” for me.

“Maybe we don’t need to outgrow whatever faith frameworks we inherited, maybe we just grow into a faith that can hold our pain, healing and questions.”

I wish I would’ve realized this was a story that is still so much about keeping the evangelical faith with a more justice oriented lens and more authentic love from God. But it’s still an evangelical faith.

[Sara Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you grew up in the 90’s and 2000’s church culture, have been part of any institution that has malformed your faith in any way, have been wrestling with what it means to be really loved (and LIKED) by God, or just need someone to remind you that you were created for wholeness in the here and now, this book is for you. There were several chapters that hit very personal places of pain and I am so thankful for Kristen’s wisdom and compassion to help us start to find healing in Christ by telling her own stories. It took me a while to read this book because I had to take a break at one point—it was getting too real and the realizations and learnings that were happening were profound for me (and my husband). The road ahead is not mapped out perfectly and there is still much healing to experience, but as Kristen said, “Sometimes healing is a slow unfolding rather than a momentary display of supernatural power.” I’m excited and hopeful for who I will continue to become in Christ!

I also love the chapter titles’ play on words of all the memorable (often harmful) Christian lingo of the past 💯

[Suzanne Cefola · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many things to think about in this book. I appreciated hearing the authors personal experience as well as the lessons she learned. I find it is so easy to get caught up in “religion” or in thinking about “what other people think” that we forget about what the heart of being loved by Jesus is all about. I didn’t agree with everything that she said, but I definitely want to reread this one. I enjoyed listening to the story that was told by herself.

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Audio
Extremely relatable. I grew up in the same denomination as the author and found a lot of common experiences. I especially liked one of the last chapters where she discussed belonging, something I’ve rolled around a bit lately as I’ve found myself bereft of places I used to fit.

[Clair Culberson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to this book on audio, and I love listening to the book when it’s read by the author. The book reads very autobiographical, and I hate rating people’s biographies because that just feels judgmental. Like, how can I rate your telling of your life? Nonetheless, here we are. I expected to relate to the author much more than I did, but she and I have very different personalities and ways of processing things. There was a little rambling at times, and it kind of bugged me how often she used “we” to describe people who think like her. This is also one of those books that came from an already-famous Christian blogger/social media person, which I did not realize until I was reading the book. For people who already followed her and liked the things she posted, this probably would have been more enjoyable and relatable, but since I was just jumping in for the first time, I really didn’t connect much with the author’s stories or experiences. It was good, just wasn’t really me.

[Joanie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was drawn to the cover art on this book and intrigued by the premise: What does it mean to grow up evangelical in America - only to realize that there is a hollowness to the faith that formed you?

As I listened to the audiobook, however, I recognized that my initial assumption about the book’s focus was incorrect. Kristen LaValley had the experience of feeling failed by her faith, but her story is about forging a personal Christian faith that is deep and meaningful. She let go of many aspects of conservative faith - the judgement of heaven and hell, the patriarchal assumptions, the impossible expectations - but she was left with something rich and satisfying. The prayers and songs and rituals of her childhood still have a place in her grownup home.

This is a lovely book and one that offers reassurance to those refugees from Christianity who can’t quite make peace with the faith of their childhood - but also cannot quite let it go.

[Rachel Hicks · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured this newest book from Kristen LaValley. As part of her launch team, I received early access to the audiobook and it's so good! I loved hearing Kristen tell her own stories. In the book, Kristen shares her journey of "growing up saved." She shares about the spiritual trauma she experienced at multiple stages of life and the spiritual malformation she experienced growing in the height of charismatic, conservative 90s Christianity. But through it all she shares a story of God's redeeming, never-failing love. A story of accepting she is worthy of that love just as she is and the freedom that comes from that. This book is filled with so many nuggets of truth. It's written for anyone who has experienced spiritual trauma, anyone who grew up in Y2K Christianity, and anyone who wants to have a better understanding of the deep love God has for you just as you are. No matter where you are on your journey of faith or if you have no faith at all, there is something for you in this book. Also the chapter titles are fire with all the cliche 90s/00s Christian puns!

[Mari Mankle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook, so I don’t have direct quotes, but here are my favorite takeaways:

- your faith and relationship with God should be the place you can take your hopes, fears, questions, and wonder.
- growing up saved felt like being at home and being harmed at the same time.
- we don’t have to completely tear down the spiritual scaffolding you grew up on, but you can reshape it to center on who you are now, not who we should” become.
- you can have faith in God without being crushed by it.
- when you start to live out of the righteousness you are rather than responding toward righteousness you’re hoping to earn, you can reach real freedom.

This was the right book at the right time for me, and I’m going to need to read it again (and again).

[Ryan George · Rating 4.25 out of 5]

Kristen LaValley’s memoir left me with a profound truth that runs counter to Christian influencer culture and Prosperity Gospel promises: not all pain will be redeemed. And not all pain needs to be redeemed or turned into a story. My problematic church journey has taken me to different crossroads but similar scenic overlooks. If you need permission to interrogate the mythologies and weapons you’ve been handed by evangelicalism, LaValley offers that permission in heaping doses. If you need commiseration with millennial womanhood or the stresses of motherhood, you’ll probably connect with layers of this book that I just observed. But I connected with some of the “pastor’s son/daughter” vignettes that other readers or listeners might not.

[Halley Salik · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book felt like an invitation to healing, a reminder that freedom is within reach, and also like a friend looking me in the eye after a raw confession and telling me I am still worthy of love. I'm so appreciative of Kristen's candor.

I recommend this book to anyone who is in a process of unraveling and reworking the ways their beliefs were formed as a child in the church.

Bonus recommendation emphasis if you are neurodivergent, were influenced by purity culture, have experienced trauma at the hands of the church, or are trying to figure out how to parent in the midst of the reconstruction process.

[Kimberly Patton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened to this on audio after listening to Even If on audio. I wanted to hear all of her stories, and I feel like her voice told me what she could. But I know there is so much more.

Thank you, Kristen, for sharing. Thank you for committing to saying the things even when you aren’t sure what people are going to say about it. Thank you for being open and honest anyway.

I really enjoyed both of her books and would like to circle back to them in paperback. There are so many gems that I want to underline and quotes I want to relive.

[Anne Conley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've followed Kristen LaValley on Instagram for a couple years now, and I knew there would be things I could learn from this book. I haven't personally experienced a lot of church hurt/trauma, I'm not neurodivergent, and I didn't grow up Pentecostal... But I'm wanting to understand some of those topics better, especially how they intersect with belief in God, and this definitely helped me in that!

[Holly Shaina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read about this book before it came out, and tbh I thought it was going to be a shallow anecdote. Boy was I wrong! Some parts didn’t resonate with me (being raised in a different type of community) but I knew they existed and were real. However, Chapters 7 and 8 are so incredibly succinct, while also maintaining balance and reality. Every Christian should read.

[AshleyReadThat · Rating 5 out of 5]

A timely book for all of us who grew up thinking The Left Behind series was nonfiction 😅

Just kidding. Sort of.

Full of relatable and freeing thoughts and anecdotes. If you’ve ever said you are “deconstructing” your faith, this book will resonate.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I preordered this book because I was convinced I would want to own and reread it. And I was correct. There are whole sections I want to soak in until the words become a true to me as my own name. That may sound dramatic, but I 100% mean it. Seriously, 6 stars out of 5. ⭐️

[Beth Hodges · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was worried about reading this book. I was worried it would bring up trauma I wasn’t ready to deal with and cause additional wounds in my faith. The opposite happened. I felt validated and seen in a way I didn’t know I could personally relate to so much. Kristen explains God in the exact way I needed to hear, the way I’ve always wanted to view God but couldn’t “get past” what I was taught about Him in my earlier years as a Christian. She bases her opinion on what the Bible tells us and provides many verse examples. She is helping me heal from my personal trauma because she put words to what I was feeling but couldn’t explain. Her words are very encouraging and I feel hope again in Jesus.

[Kari McDowell · Rating 3 out of 5]

A positive perspective on what to do with “church hurt,” aka spiritual trauma. I liked that she had a lot of constructive solutions. My favorite quote was, “If you’re not desiring sin, your desires aren’t sinful.” What a good point!

Frankly I’ve had overwhelmingly positive experiences growing up in the church, with only a few not-so-great moments. I was wishing for more warm nostalgia, but this was not that book!

[Abby Evans · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ah, Yup. I also grew up in the church, in the 80-90s; so there was maybe only one thing I did not experience that Kristen mentioned (my hair being sinful?! so sad!)
Been and instagram fan of Lavalley for a few years now and finally have made time to read through her 2 books. Both are needed and can't wait for whats next.

[Emily Werger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my goodness. I see so much of myself in this book. This book is going to be freeing for so many people!

[Breanne McCoy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this a lot. Kristen writes like a friend giving you a hug. As a non Christian I found a lot here applicable to living life with joy and peace on your own terms. A very good read whether you’re religious or not.

[Hannah Pedrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I "grew up saved" around the same time Kristen did, and my parents were also in full-time ministry in the conservative evangelical church. To me, this book feels like the honest and authentic experience of someone who deeply experienced the harm of that world and has also fought hard to keep a faith she now finds beautiful and healing. If that is your story too, I think you will find this book to be a warm, funny, and hopeful companion. If you have experienced the harm of that belief system, but have not chosen to stay in the Christian faith, I think you will find that Kristen works hard to make this book as safe, respectful, and compassionate as possible. And, if like me, you're somewhere in between, I think you will find Kristen to be a friend you wish you could sit down and share a coffee with. Her voice and perspective is hard-fought and needed, and I'm glad this book exists.

[Camden Morgante · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a humorous and critical take on 90s Christian culture that covers a wide range of topics, from rapture fear to neurodivergence, perfectionism, doubt, shame, and the author's healing from religious trauma. You will find companionship and encouragement for holding onto your faith as you deconstruct the experience of "growing up saved."

[Lauren Nishi · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel she had some difficulties expressing her theology as it seemed to be one way in one chapter and another in the next, but this is such an important topic - fear based faith/theology vs authentic faith!

My prayer is for our churches to be spiritually mature and to be able to discern when things like these creep in the church.

[Barbara Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

There’s a question I’ve been wrestling with for decades, practically ever since God saved me…

How can I be expected to love my neighbor well when I hate myself?

Over the years, I’ve asked friends this question. The conversations have been varied, sometimes shallow, other times deep, but never once have I received what I considered to be a satisfactory, or helpful, answer. Mostly, I’ve received pity. But now, I have an answer.

The short answer is: you can’t.

The longer answer is deep and nuanced, and can be found in Kristen LaValley’s latest book, Growing Up Saved (GUS). In GUS, Kristen shares reflections on her lived experiences from childhood, through her youth in the Church, to present day. With hard-fought, and earned, wisdom, she combines those experiences with what she’s learned from scripture in order to share her journey from self-hatred to freedom in Christ. Kristen tells the truth of what she’s learned in a much needed and gracious way. She writes in the language of her Father, the language of love.

Throughout the book, Kristen brings up how God deals with his children who are sometimes (or, like, all the time, save Jesus) disobedient in the bible. An example Kristen uses that I truly appreciate is Adam and Eve. Kristen points out that after they each partake of the forbidden fruit, God does not give them the silent treatment. Nor does he show up wagging a disappointed finger in their direction. He calls for them, wanting to walk with them, asking for their explanation of what transpired.

But wait! What about God’s justice??? Consequences of sin??? Don’t worry. Kristen goes on to demonstrate how Adam and Eve had to face the choices they had made (expulsion from the Garden, anyone?) which leads me to believe she’s well acquainted with the justice of God. In previous decades, and even in our current Christian culture, I fear we’ve swung the pendulum too far to the side of God’s wrath. In GUS, Kristen attempts to balance the pendulum back to seeing all aspects of God’s character. Both/and rather than either/or.

Because we’ve dealt so much with God’s wrath, we think he’s after us, disappointed in us, ashamed of us which causes us to hate ourselves as we strive to be perfect. We act as if God has these high and mighty expectations of us, that he somehow doesn’t remember that he made us human. That if we fall short just one more time, that’s it. Or maybe that’s just me. What we fail to remember is that all fall short… *and* he loves us, unconditionally. Full stop. Kristen is here to remind us all of God’s kindness to, and love for us.

I would rather learn to err on the side of grace, to err on the side of love, both to myself and then to others. Kristen provides an example of how this is done, and quite frankly, I find it refreshing and inspiring.

If a lot of us were a tad bit more honest, I think many of us would admit that we know God loves us rationally, biblically, but transferring that knowledge to our hearts is hard. It almost feels risky. Like if we were to do this, we’d be greasing up that slippery slope. Don’t worry, Kristen addresses the slope, too.

Listen, this is a journey that I continue to be on…to learn to love myself the way that God loves me so that I may love God and neighbor well. I have yet to step into the full freedom of loving myself the way that God loves me. But now, with the help of Kristen’s gracious words in GUS, I know that it’s possible because I’ve seen it happen to her, in her. Of course, we all know that anything is possible with God, but I wonder if we truly believe it. Thank God that Kristen was willing to put pen to paper to provide us with a tangible, modern-day example.

Though in years lived, I’m older thank Kristen; in Christ, I am younger than her. I am grateful that she is a leader among us willing to stand up vulnerably, speak the truth honestly, and be a light to guide us on the path to the abundantly, unconditionally, freely loved life in Christ.

“For such a time as this” aren’t words solely reserved for Esther. I truly believe that GUS is most needed at this moment. I believe that Kristen was put here in this culture at this time in order to be a lighthouse for the rest of us. GUS is an edifying word for the post-modern American evangelical church context, and beyond. It is the breath of fresh air that is required to provide the energy we need to move forward as brothers and sisters under the banner of Christ.

Read Growing Up Saved to discover that you can have the abundant life and live freely in Christ now. Read Kristen’s words and learn from her example of how to accept how very much God loves you, of how to love him back, and then go out and love your neighbor well. If each of us who claim Christ were able to do this, oh, what a world it would be.