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Não se cobre tanto
Em Não se cobre tanto a psicóloga Ellen Hendriksen, ph. D., oferece um guia para aqueles que se cobram demais e mostra um caminho para a autoaceitação e a construção de relações genuínas.
Você é o seu maior crítico? Quando recebe um elogio, não se sente merecedor? Já parou para pensar que os padrões elevados que estabelece para si podem ser o maior obstáculo para a sua felicidade? Apesar de todo o esforço para sermos nossa melhor versão, muitas vezes nos sentimos deslocados ou atrasados em relação aos outros. Como impostores prestes a ser desmascarados. Soa familiar?
Ao longo de anos de prática no consultório e como pesquisadora, a psicóloga clínica e ph.D. Ellen Hendriksen percebeu que uma das fontes para todos esses sentimentos era o perfeccionismo. Há casos como o de Walt Disney que, atento a todos os detalhes em seus filmes, cobrava demais de si mesmo e daqueles à sua volta, em um ciclo exaustivo de tentar fazer o melhor, que o deixava frustrado e isolado. E há casos como o do apresentador de TV Fred Rogers que, com suas ações totalmente deliberadas, nenhuma espontaneidade e muita atenção às minúcias, conseguia extrair o melhor daqueles ao seu redor.
Os dois tinham traços perfeccionistas e eram extremamente bem-sucedidos, mas, enquanto os altos padrões de Rogers o impulsionavam e o ajudavam a criar conexões, os de Disney o consumiam e o deixavam cada vez mais sozinho. Como se vê, o perfeccionismo é um padrão de comportamento mais complexo do que costumamos imaginar.
Em Não se cobre tanto, Hendriksen nos mostra o que podemos fazer para nos libertar das expectativas irreais que criamos para nós mesmos sem abrir mão da excelência já conquistada por nossos altos padrões e nossa dedicação. A autora nos conduz por um processo de transformação com base em sete mudanças de comportamento, como substituir a autocrítica pela gentileza e deixar de lado a comparação para viver com mais satisfação. Ao adotar essas práticas, veremos uma evolução na autoaceitação e na compreensão de nossos sentimentos.
Empático e bem-humorado, Não se cobre tanto é um convite para que sejamos mais autênticos e gentis conosco, para abandonar a busca por aprovação de todos ao nosso redor e, assim, cultivar as conexões humanas genuínas que tanto buscamos.
Você é o seu maior crítico? Quando recebe um elogio, não se sente merecedor? Já parou para pensar que os padrões elevados que estabelece para si podem ser o maior obstáculo para a sua felicidade? Apesar de todo o esforço para sermos nossa melhor versão, muitas vezes nos sentimos deslocados ou atrasados em relação aos outros. Como impostores prestes a ser desmascarados. Soa familiar?
Ao longo de anos de prática no consultório e como pesquisadora, a psicóloga clínica e ph.D. Ellen Hendriksen percebeu que uma das fontes para todos esses sentimentos era o perfeccionismo. Há casos como o de Walt Disney que, atento a todos os detalhes em seus filmes, cobrava demais de si mesmo e daqueles à sua volta, em um ciclo exaustivo de tentar fazer o melhor, que o deixava frustrado e isolado. E há casos como o do apresentador de TV Fred Rogers que, com suas ações totalmente deliberadas, nenhuma espontaneidade e muita atenção às minúcias, conseguia extrair o melhor daqueles ao seu redor.
Os dois tinham traços perfeccionistas e eram extremamente bem-sucedidos, mas, enquanto os altos padrões de Rogers o impulsionavam e o ajudavam a criar conexões, os de Disney o consumiam e o deixavam cada vez mais sozinho. Como se vê, o perfeccionismo é um padrão de comportamento mais complexo do que costumamos imaginar.
Em Não se cobre tanto, Hendriksen nos mostra o que podemos fazer para nos libertar das expectativas irreais que criamos para nós mesmos sem abrir mão da excelência já conquistada por nossos altos padrões e nossa dedicação. A autora nos conduz por um processo de transformação com base em sete mudanças de comportamento, como substituir a autocrítica pela gentileza e deixar de lado a comparação para viver com mais satisfação. Ao adotar essas práticas, veremos uma evolução na autoaceitação e na compreensão de nossos sentimentos.
Empático e bem-humorado, Não se cobre tanto é um convite para que sejamos mais autênticos e gentis conosco, para abandonar a busca por aprovação de todos ao nosso redor e, assim, cultivar as conexões humanas genuínas que tanto buscamos.
387 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 7, 2025
448 people are currently reading
13370 people want to read
About the author
Ellen Hendriksen
5 books344 followersDR. ELLEN HENDRIKSEN is a clinical psychologist who will help you calm your anxiety and be your authentic self. She serves on the faculty at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD) and is the author of HOW TO BE ENOUGH: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists and HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety.
Ellen’s scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach has been featured in The New York Times, Harvard Business Review, O: The Oprah Magazine, goop, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and many other media outlets.
Ellen earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. She lives in the Boston area with her family.
Join in at EllenHendriksen.com or follow on Substack or Instagram.
Ellen’s scientifically-based, zero-judgment approach has been featured in The New York Times, Harvard Business Review, O: The Oprah Magazine, goop, Scientific American, Psychology Today, and many other media outlets.
Ellen earned her Ph.D. at UCLA and completed her training at Harvard Medical School. She lives in the Boston area with her family.
Join in at EllenHendriksen.com or follow on Substack or Instagram.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 192 reviews
February 8, 2025
**Many thanks to NetGalley, St. Martin's Press, and Ellen Hendriksen for an ARC of this book!**
"Perfectionism doesn't make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate." - Maria Shriver
If you can relate to this sentiment on ANY level...consider this book the wise, warm, and insightful therapy session you didn't know you needed!
In How to Be Enough, author and clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen unpacks the root of these tendencies, including how and why they might begin, and why such seemingly self-destructive behavior can easily become a way of life for so many of us. In short, our brain likes to make shortcuts, and when we see hard work leading to a good outcome, it stands to reason that the accolades, appreciation, and admiration that often follows can flood us with dopamine...and it sure feels GOOD to feel good! But this can easily become dangerous when we begin to equate our work or what we do with who we ARE intrinsically...and while this may seem harmless on the surface, the differentiation between who we ARE and what we DO is vital to a healthy self image and to our own happiness in general. After all, if you define yourself by your ability to play the violin and stumble during a public performance...you might let your family and friends down, but you're also letting YOURSELF down...right? And so your brain has one more instance of 'not good enough' to add to your mental inventory...and your inner critic rejoices.
But Hendriksen posits a very interesting theory in this book...as a perfectionist, you aren't going to EVER completely shut that critical inner voice off. So what to do in a world that demands constant production and flawless results, where rest is equated with laziness, and competitively-driven social media bombards us at every turn? Well, there are luckily some tips and tricks you can employ...and this is where Hendriksen's expertise shines. She advocates for self-acceptance...but in a way that is ACTUALLY accessible for those of us who have trouble viewing anything through a lens other than the harsh critic in our minds uses on a daily basis. First off, we need to define and determine our values, which are quite different from our goals or aspirations. What is most important to us, and what gets us out of bed in the morning? THIS is where our focus should be, not on what we do or do not accomplish in any given day. Once we have this foundation, we can then focus not on where we fall short or our pitfalls, but rather living these truths.
So what to do then, when we inevitably fall short of a given goal, or have an embarrassing social interaction that we are STILL reliving hours (or even years) later? This is where the other half of Hendriksen's theory kicks in: we need to learn cognitive flexibility. Rigid rules may run some aspects of our society (and rightfully so!) but there are COUNTLESS incidences in our life where even the tiniest bit of flexibility can mean the difference between a good day and a catastrophic one. If we 'should' our lives away, there's no joy to be had...and there is SO much we are leaving on the table. Reconciling your inner rule book with your core values seems like hard work, and it is...but this is a lifelong journey, with ebbs, flows, and of course...room for flexibility! What I perhaps took away from this book more than anything else was the connection between self esteem and the byproducts of our perfectionism...if we do something bad, we ARE bad. As Hendriksen puts it, "We conflate our screwups with our character. We mistake the inevitable problems of life for personal wrongdoing." When we live with such unflappable, unforgiving rules, it's no WONDER we can fall into the trap of defining ourselves as failures or losers.
I don't know that I've ever read a self-help non-fiction book QUITE like this before: Hendriksen effortlessly balances her research, anecdotes from her patient's lives (with names changed, of course) with practical advice, and COMPASSION, not to mention a touch of humor. I think part of the reason for this is that as a 'recovering' perfectionist HERSELF, she is quite literally the voice of experience. Hendriksen has had to tackle her own demons, do the work, and has been able to TRULY pay it forward...and what better way for her to live her values than that? The only thing I felt that was missing from this book was a quick sort of summary/reference guide at the end, perhaps one that could be printed and tucked in a wallet or a journal, just as a reminder for those times when the loud and inflexible inner critic sort of drowns out all sounds in the world around you. I also think a supplementary workbook would be EXCELLENT (I know I'd like one!) to help track your progress, although I think the best marker of progress probably has a lot less to do with what you might say and more to do with how you feel...and above all, I can affirm that reading this one made me feel grateful!
Hendriksen mentions the iconic and inimitable Fred Rogers multiple times throughout the book, and despite perfectionist tendencies, it's hard to think of a better exemplar of a man who TRULY lived his values, and helped to broadcast such an important message of self-love and acceptance that the world needs still today. I'll leave you with a quote from Rogers that embodies this book's message in perhaps the perfect way: "The world needs a sense of worth and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile."
You are worthwhile...and more importantly, you are enough.
💗
4.5 stars
"Perfectionism doesn't make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate." - Maria Shriver
If you can relate to this sentiment on ANY level...consider this book the wise, warm, and insightful therapy session you didn't know you needed!
In How to Be Enough, author and clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen unpacks the root of these tendencies, including how and why they might begin, and why such seemingly self-destructive behavior can easily become a way of life for so many of us. In short, our brain likes to make shortcuts, and when we see hard work leading to a good outcome, it stands to reason that the accolades, appreciation, and admiration that often follows can flood us with dopamine...and it sure feels GOOD to feel good! But this can easily become dangerous when we begin to equate our work or what we do with who we ARE intrinsically...and while this may seem harmless on the surface, the differentiation between who we ARE and what we DO is vital to a healthy self image and to our own happiness in general. After all, if you define yourself by your ability to play the violin and stumble during a public performance...you might let your family and friends down, but you're also letting YOURSELF down...right? And so your brain has one more instance of 'not good enough' to add to your mental inventory...and your inner critic rejoices.
But Hendriksen posits a very interesting theory in this book...as a perfectionist, you aren't going to EVER completely shut that critical inner voice off. So what to do in a world that demands constant production and flawless results, where rest is equated with laziness, and competitively-driven social media bombards us at every turn? Well, there are luckily some tips and tricks you can employ...and this is where Hendriksen's expertise shines. She advocates for self-acceptance...but in a way that is ACTUALLY accessible for those of us who have trouble viewing anything through a lens other than the harsh critic in our minds uses on a daily basis. First off, we need to define and determine our values, which are quite different from our goals or aspirations. What is most important to us, and what gets us out of bed in the morning? THIS is where our focus should be, not on what we do or do not accomplish in any given day. Once we have this foundation, we can then focus not on where we fall short or our pitfalls, but rather living these truths.
So what to do then, when we inevitably fall short of a given goal, or have an embarrassing social interaction that we are STILL reliving hours (or even years) later? This is where the other half of Hendriksen's theory kicks in: we need to learn cognitive flexibility. Rigid rules may run some aspects of our society (and rightfully so!) but there are COUNTLESS incidences in our life where even the tiniest bit of flexibility can mean the difference between a good day and a catastrophic one. If we 'should' our lives away, there's no joy to be had...and there is SO much we are leaving on the table. Reconciling your inner rule book with your core values seems like hard work, and it is...but this is a lifelong journey, with ebbs, flows, and of course...room for flexibility! What I perhaps took away from this book more than anything else was the connection between self esteem and the byproducts of our perfectionism...if we do something bad, we ARE bad. As Hendriksen puts it, "We conflate our screwups with our character. We mistake the inevitable problems of life for personal wrongdoing." When we live with such unflappable, unforgiving rules, it's no WONDER we can fall into the trap of defining ourselves as failures or losers.
I don't know that I've ever read a self-help non-fiction book QUITE like this before: Hendriksen effortlessly balances her research, anecdotes from her patient's lives (with names changed, of course) with practical advice, and COMPASSION, not to mention a touch of humor. I think part of the reason for this is that as a 'recovering' perfectionist HERSELF, she is quite literally the voice of experience. Hendriksen has had to tackle her own demons, do the work, and has been able to TRULY pay it forward...and what better way for her to live her values than that? The only thing I felt that was missing from this book was a quick sort of summary/reference guide at the end, perhaps one that could be printed and tucked in a wallet or a journal, just as a reminder for those times when the loud and inflexible inner critic sort of drowns out all sounds in the world around you. I also think a supplementary workbook would be EXCELLENT (I know I'd like one!) to help track your progress, although I think the best marker of progress probably has a lot less to do with what you might say and more to do with how you feel...and above all, I can affirm that reading this one made me feel grateful!
Hendriksen mentions the iconic and inimitable Fred Rogers multiple times throughout the book, and despite perfectionist tendencies, it's hard to think of a better exemplar of a man who TRULY lived his values, and helped to broadcast such an important message of self-love and acceptance that the world needs still today. I'll leave you with a quote from Rogers that embodies this book's message in perhaps the perfect way: "The world needs a sense of worth and it will achieve it only by its people feeling that they are worthwhile."
You are worthwhile...and more importantly, you are enough.
💗
4.5 stars
January 31, 2025
I thought there was some good information and advice in here although there were times I felt it slightly redundant or long. Still, worth a read for anyone who feels they have perfectionist tendencies.
I received an advanced copy through Netgalley in return for an honest review.
I received an advanced copy through Netgalley in return for an honest review.
November 6, 2024
Special thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for a free, electronic ARC of this novel received in exchange for an honest review.
Expected publication date: Jan. 7, 2025
Have you ever been labeled “very Type A?” Perhaps “anal retentive”? Or, on the positive side of things, “reliable”, “organized” or even “obsessive”? (It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me) . If so, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, the author of “How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety” has introduced another book that is specifically geared to those of us who are self-declared perfectionists, “How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists”.
First of all, Ellen Hendriksen is a psychologist, so she knows her stuff. But, beyond that (and most important), she also identifies as a perfectionist, so she fully understands the struggle. It is likely the combination of these characteristics that make “Enough” relatable, easy to read and even (gasp) helpful.
Hendriksen uses anecdotes from her own clients (names have been changed, obviously) as well as information garnered from other studies, to help those of us who can’t ask for help, see common human errors as a personal flaw and re-examine situations in our life until they are blown out of proportion.
“Enough” is different than other self-help books in many important ways but the biggest one for me was that Hendriksen doesn’t talk about perfectionism as something that “needs to be changed”. She talks about its positive attributes, and how it is the result of both nature and nurture on our bodies (and therefore, it can’t be completely removed). She provides doable strategies with achievable goals without once labeling the reader as someone who is, in some way, lacking. Hendriksen focuses on the behaviours associated with perfectionism that may bother us in some way, and she provides us with ways to change these specific behaviours simply by looking at them through a different lens.
I knew of Hendriksen’s book on social anxiety, but I didn’t read it (although it probably would be helpful as well). I definitely related to “Enough” on every level, and Hendriksen, first off, allowed me to be heard and then, allowed me to accept myself and finally, put some ideas out there that could help the behaviours that annoy me (and probably others) the most. There were so many times when I looked around me for hidden cameras, wondering if Hendriksen had somehow been able to see into my life and my brain, and I know that if you have a similar personality, something in “Enough” will help you understand yourself a little bit more, without shaming you or making you think you are broken or damaged. “Enough” is meant for a certain reader with a specific personality type, but there are definitely a lot of us, and Hendriksen is speaking to each and every one.
Expected publication date: Jan. 7, 2025
Have you ever been labeled “very Type A?” Perhaps “anal retentive”? Or, on the positive side of things, “reliable”, “organized” or even “obsessive”? (It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me) . If so, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen, the author of “How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety” has introduced another book that is specifically geared to those of us who are self-declared perfectionists, “How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists”.
First of all, Ellen Hendriksen is a psychologist, so she knows her stuff. But, beyond that (and most important), she also identifies as a perfectionist, so she fully understands the struggle. It is likely the combination of these characteristics that make “Enough” relatable, easy to read and even (gasp) helpful.
Hendriksen uses anecdotes from her own clients (names have been changed, obviously) as well as information garnered from other studies, to help those of us who can’t ask for help, see common human errors as a personal flaw and re-examine situations in our life until they are blown out of proportion.
“Enough” is different than other self-help books in many important ways but the biggest one for me was that Hendriksen doesn’t talk about perfectionism as something that “needs to be changed”. She talks about its positive attributes, and how it is the result of both nature and nurture on our bodies (and therefore, it can’t be completely removed). She provides doable strategies with achievable goals without once labeling the reader as someone who is, in some way, lacking. Hendriksen focuses on the behaviours associated with perfectionism that may bother us in some way, and she provides us with ways to change these specific behaviours simply by looking at them through a different lens.
I knew of Hendriksen’s book on social anxiety, but I didn’t read it (although it probably would be helpful as well). I definitely related to “Enough” on every level, and Hendriksen, first off, allowed me to be heard and then, allowed me to accept myself and finally, put some ideas out there that could help the behaviours that annoy me (and probably others) the most. There were so many times when I looked around me for hidden cameras, wondering if Hendriksen had somehow been able to see into my life and my brain, and I know that if you have a similar personality, something in “Enough” will help you understand yourself a little bit more, without shaming you or making you think you are broken or damaged. “Enough” is meant for a certain reader with a specific personality type, but there are definitely a lot of us, and Hendriksen is speaking to each and every one.
September 17, 2024
How to Be Enough is a self help book for perfectionists. There is a societal misconception that being a perfectionist is a great thing and something to brag about because it means you get things done and done well. That might be true, but it also causes a great deal of mental anguish.
The author discusses the combination of genetics, family environment and cultural influences that produces perfectionism, and then elaborates on seven ways or shifts to change the reader's outlook and behaviours. She discusses moving away from self criticism, harsh judgement and labels to focusing on values, and from over-evaluation of performance to enjoying the moment and connecting with other people. She gives examples and practical exercises throughout the chapters, as well as suggestions to reframe our inner monologue so that it is more supportive and less self destructive.
Overall it is a decent guide, although a little bit dry. For those suffering due to their inner critic, it could be valuable reading.
The author discusses the combination of genetics, family environment and cultural influences that produces perfectionism, and then elaborates on seven ways or shifts to change the reader's outlook and behaviours. She discusses moving away from self criticism, harsh judgement and labels to focusing on values, and from over-evaluation of performance to enjoying the moment and connecting with other people. She gives examples and practical exercises throughout the chapters, as well as suggestions to reframe our inner monologue so that it is more supportive and less self destructive.
Overall it is a decent guide, although a little bit dry. For those suffering due to their inner critic, it could be valuable reading.
February 21, 2025
This was the book that destroyed my will to touch another self-help title again. I've already had a bad feeling about it when the preface told us we should be relating to Walt Disney and how much he suffered due to his perfectionism because everything in his movies had to be the way he envisioned it - all the while mentioning him overworking his employees to the bone in one off-handed sentence.
No, I do not relate to the cultish attitude towards "suffering geniuses" who climbed to wealth and fame upon backs of millions of nameless workers who aren't getting credit for anything. They're the ones overworked, underpaid, permanently stressed, criticized over every irrelevant detail, easily fired or laid off and never appreciated for their contribution. It's always the person on top - usually a white man - who hoards all the glory. He doesn't need my sympathy on top of all his other gains.
But that's the "myth of great people" and mentality of individual exceptionalism - to tell you to sympathize with Walt Disney and see yourself in him, not sympathize with the worker and their plight under greedy, obsessed tyrants.
To this day we're supposed to look up to figures like Musk, Zuckerberg and Bezos and wish to mimic them, rather than support the people they're exploiting.
But I thought, maybe that's a one-time oversight, maybe the book will get better.
And then I arrived to the passage about Steve Jobs. Another man who made his career and riches upon backs of abused workers. The chapter about him triggered and disgusted me. No, this is not "perfectionism". This is an image of a narcissistic despot.
There is a scene describing him as he was dying of cancer and his daughter came to visit him and his words to her were "you smell like a toilet". Most people when on their deathbed try to reconcile with their family, get a closure on the Earthly matters and if they're religious, be remorseful about their mistakes so they may peacefully pass into the afterlife. Not Steve Jobs. I don't know what he did or didn't believe in, but I got an image of a man who would hurl abuse even with his dying breath.
And then, that is compared to perfectionism and "being strict towards not just yourself, but also others". Sorry, but telling your daughter her perfume stinks like toilet isn't being strict. It's rude and derogatory. It has nothing to do with perfectionism. Is this book for sociopaths? So they can excuse their derision as "oh, it's just my perfectionism!"
At this point I couldn't continue the book. I've put it aside, hoping my feelings toward it would change so I could look at it with a fresh eye, but 1.5 month after the publication date I'm still outraged at the suggestion perfectionists should see themselves in those abusive figures and sympathize with them. Just because someone became rich, famous and successful doesn't justify their callousness, and especially not towards their own family.
There's a difference between "high standards" and "the world revolves around me and must cater to me" attitude.
Even the book title talks about "self-acceptance" and nothing about giving yourself a pass to hurt others, especially deliberately in a way "end justifies the means" or "they're beneath me so they don't deserve any better treatment".
If there's one thing I can't abide in self-help book is bad advice or glorifying bad attitudes. Self-help is supposed to give us guidance and help us become a better version of ourselves. It's often used by people whose past experiences gave them a distorted sense of reality and who often can't afford a therapist to tell them what's normal and what's abusive or pathological. So presenting abusive behaviours with sympathy and not calling them abuse just because they were committed by people the society perceives as successful and aspirational is perpetuating misinformation and double standards in the society where people on top get a pass for everything, while people on the bottom beat themselves up for "not being good enough" and wondering why don't they get the same credit of sympathy as the former group.
I can't believe nobody called this out. Nobody. That's how deeply runs the double standard in the society that nobody sees anything odd or wrong in it.
Perfectionism isn't about being a tyrant or an egomaniac. And these shouldn't be conflated.
Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin's Essentials for the ARC.
No, I do not relate to the cultish attitude towards "suffering geniuses" who climbed to wealth and fame upon backs of millions of nameless workers who aren't getting credit for anything. They're the ones overworked, underpaid, permanently stressed, criticized over every irrelevant detail, easily fired or laid off and never appreciated for their contribution. It's always the person on top - usually a white man - who hoards all the glory. He doesn't need my sympathy on top of all his other gains.
But that's the "myth of great people" and mentality of individual exceptionalism - to tell you to sympathize with Walt Disney and see yourself in him, not sympathize with the worker and their plight under greedy, obsessed tyrants.
To this day we're supposed to look up to figures like Musk, Zuckerberg and Bezos and wish to mimic them, rather than support the people they're exploiting.
But I thought, maybe that's a one-time oversight, maybe the book will get better.
And then I arrived to the passage about Steve Jobs. Another man who made his career and riches upon backs of abused workers. The chapter about him triggered and disgusted me. No, this is not "perfectionism". This is an image of a narcissistic despot.
There is a scene describing him as he was dying of cancer and his daughter came to visit him and his words to her were "you smell like a toilet". Most people when on their deathbed try to reconcile with their family, get a closure on the Earthly matters and if they're religious, be remorseful about their mistakes so they may peacefully pass into the afterlife. Not Steve Jobs. I don't know what he did or didn't believe in, but I got an image of a man who would hurl abuse even with his dying breath.
And then, that is compared to perfectionism and "being strict towards not just yourself, but also others". Sorry, but telling your daughter her perfume stinks like toilet isn't being strict. It's rude and derogatory. It has nothing to do with perfectionism. Is this book for sociopaths? So they can excuse their derision as "oh, it's just my perfectionism!"
At this point I couldn't continue the book. I've put it aside, hoping my feelings toward it would change so I could look at it with a fresh eye, but 1.5 month after the publication date I'm still outraged at the suggestion perfectionists should see themselves in those abusive figures and sympathize with them. Just because someone became rich, famous and successful doesn't justify their callousness, and especially not towards their own family.
There's a difference between "high standards" and "the world revolves around me and must cater to me" attitude.
Even the book title talks about "self-acceptance" and nothing about giving yourself a pass to hurt others, especially deliberately in a way "end justifies the means" or "they're beneath me so they don't deserve any better treatment".
If there's one thing I can't abide in self-help book is bad advice or glorifying bad attitudes. Self-help is supposed to give us guidance and help us become a better version of ourselves. It's often used by people whose past experiences gave them a distorted sense of reality and who often can't afford a therapist to tell them what's normal and what's abusive or pathological. So presenting abusive behaviours with sympathy and not calling them abuse just because they were committed by people the society perceives as successful and aspirational is perpetuating misinformation and double standards in the society where people on top get a pass for everything, while people on the bottom beat themselves up for "not being good enough" and wondering why don't they get the same credit of sympathy as the former group.
I can't believe nobody called this out. Nobody. That's how deeply runs the double standard in the society that nobody sees anything odd or wrong in it.
Perfectionism isn't about being a tyrant or an egomaniac. And these shouldn't be conflated.
Thank you Netgalley and St. Martin's Essentials for the ARC.
October 29, 2024
How to praise this book perfectly enough? How To Be Enough is inspiring, funny, endearing, deeply relatable and is everything I’ve needed for YEARS. This book on perfectionism is so incredibly helpful, it’s all I’ve been able to talk about for a week. I had no idea how multifaceted perfectionism is, but in How to Be Enough, Dr. Ellen Hendriksen unpacks them all in a way that is easily digestible, not shame inducing, and even though the topic was something I’ve procrastinated reading more into for most of my adult life (a behavior as it turns out, is fueled by perfectionism), I wanted to read this one more with every chapter. It balances education on how the perfectionists brain works, case studies, and practical tips; and lest you think the point is to become less perfectionistic, the goal of the book is to teach perfectionists to be more cognitively flexible and begin to practice what the book calls adaptive perfectionism- a breed of perfectionism that keeps the helpful aspects and works to reorient the qualities of perfectionism that cost more than they buy.
This is one I am excited to add to my library when it releases because it’s definitely one I’ll come back to again and again.
I would like to thank St Martin’s Press and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
This is one I am excited to add to my library when it releases because it’s definitely one I’ll come back to again and again.
I would like to thank St Martin’s Press and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
August 4, 2025
This was a good read with a lot of helpful tips and tricks.
November 20, 2025
A book that tackles subject matters that often have misplaced value and stops what is truly a priority or of importance from surfacing. I think we all have some of the characteristics of perfectionism and being self critical, so this book could be beneficial to all. An important reminder that we are not the goals we set or complete, we have more to offer than what we accomplish.
January 6, 2025
Reading How to Be Enough is like having a therapy session with your wisest, most compassionate friend—the one who calls you out and hands you a donut afterward. Dr. Ellen Hendriksen gets it. She knows what it’s like to aim for the moon, only to spiral into a shame galaxy when you miss. (Spoiler: The moon is fine without us, and perfectionism is a rocket to nowhere.)
The book offers seven "shifts," but don’t worry, they’re not the kind of shifts that require new yoga pants or a personal transformation playlist. These are practical and grounded adjustments for turning down the volume on your inner critic without accidentally letting them run the company holiday party.
Highlights include Hendriksen’s knack for mixing science with storytelling. She makes you laugh while explaining why your brain insists on comparing your blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel.
Where the book shines is in its balance—Hendriksen doesn’t want you to abandon ambition or stop being excellent. She just wants you to stop emotionally bludgeoning yourself for not being Taylor Swift, Martha Stewart, and Oprah combined. The “inner rulebook” exercise? Both cathartic and slightly terrifying when you realize your rules sound like they were written by a supervillain HR department.
Well, some of the exercises made me want to schedule a nap instead of a self-compassion session (progress?). And at times, Hendriksen’s examples leaned a bit too therapist-y for my taste, but hey, she is a therapist, so fair play.
In the end, How to Be Enough is a life raft for anyone drowning in perfectionism and self-criticism. It’s not about lowering your standards—it’s about redirecting them toward things that actually matter. I’ll still strive for excellence, but now, I’m also striving for… I don’t know, maybe a little joy?
The book offers seven "shifts," but don’t worry, they’re not the kind of shifts that require new yoga pants or a personal transformation playlist. These are practical and grounded adjustments for turning down the volume on your inner critic without accidentally letting them run the company holiday party.
Highlights include Hendriksen’s knack for mixing science with storytelling. She makes you laugh while explaining why your brain insists on comparing your blooper reel to someone else’s highlight reel.
Where the book shines is in its balance—Hendriksen doesn’t want you to abandon ambition or stop being excellent. She just wants you to stop emotionally bludgeoning yourself for not being Taylor Swift, Martha Stewart, and Oprah combined. The “inner rulebook” exercise? Both cathartic and slightly terrifying when you realize your rules sound like they were written by a supervillain HR department.
Well, some of the exercises made me want to schedule a nap instead of a self-compassion session (progress?). And at times, Hendriksen’s examples leaned a bit too therapist-y for my taste, but hey, she is a therapist, so fair play.
In the end, How to Be Enough is a life raft for anyone drowning in perfectionism and self-criticism. It’s not about lowering your standards—it’s about redirecting them toward things that actually matter. I’ll still strive for excellence, but now, I’m also striving for… I don’t know, maybe a little joy?
December 30, 2024
Wow, Ellen Hendriksen knocked it out of the park with this one! I wasn't familiar with her work before, but she is a fantastic writer. I've read a lot of mental health books, both nonfiction and memoir, but the way Hendriksen explains information, utilizes examples from her work, and weaves in her own personal connections was excellent and far better than most mental health/psychology/self help books I've read. I initially picked this up because I thought it sounded relevant for my husband and some past versions of myself, but I found more of it relevant to me than I expected.
There were a lot of great concepts in here and super actionable advice. All of it is presented in a thoughtful and engaging way. It really feels like Hendriksen understands you and is cheering you on. This was great. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who identifies as a perfectionist or who is overly rigid (me!) but thinks they've gotten over their perfectionism (lol). So grateful Hendriksen wrote this book.
The only thing I didn't always like about it was the incessant similes that were punny/cheesy--they were a bit much at times, but I'm sure that's just the author's personality. Eventually they just made me chuckle and roll my eyes haha.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!
There were a lot of great concepts in here and super actionable advice. All of it is presented in a thoughtful and engaging way. It really feels like Hendriksen understands you and is cheering you on. This was great. I'd definitely recommend it to anyone who identifies as a perfectionist or who is overly rigid (me!) but thinks they've gotten over their perfectionism (lol). So grateful Hendriksen wrote this book.
The only thing I didn't always like about it was the incessant similes that were punny/cheesy--they were a bit much at times, but I'm sure that's just the author's personality. Eventually they just made me chuckle and roll my eyes haha.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the ARC!
August 24, 2025
Wasn't as relatable or compelling as I thought it would be. After getting to the middle and then procrastinating on it a few months, I finally followed her advice at the beginning and decided not to force myself to finish it. So I guess I learned something?
March 25, 2025
Lots of helpful info, BUT MY GOD the quips and "humorous" metaphors were exhausting. Despite that, still a solid book.
Read
July 13, 2025One of the better self-help books I've read in that I recognised myself in a lot of it, had quite a few eureka moments, and highlighted a lot of things I think will be helpful.
Found the celebrity examples a bit questionable. My other qualm is that a couple of times I felt it was unsympathetic towards certain traits that happen to be common in autism and ADHD and can't be therapised in the same way (these conditions are not named in the book, however). Next time the aggressive sunlight at an outdoor event is making me want to run into a cave screaming, I'll just do some mindfulness and try and see it as part of the ~bigger picture~ 👍
Found the celebrity examples a bit questionable. My other qualm is that a couple of times I felt it was unsympathetic towards certain traits that happen to be common in autism and ADHD and can't be therapised in the same way (these conditions are not named in the book, however). Next time the aggressive sunlight at an outdoor event is making me want to run into a cave screaming, I'll just do some mindfulness and try and see it as part of the ~bigger picture~ 👍
September 22, 2025
this was well researched, very sweet, and actively helpful <3 would definitely recommend, and im interested in reading other books on this subject. thanks dr hendriksen!
January 8, 2025
Thank you to NetGalley for this audio ARC of the book How to be enough which published on Jan 7, 2025.
🎧 I usually try to read at least one self-help book each January. This book was exactly what I needed. Not only does Ellen do an excellent job of narrating the audiobook herself, but it was very clear that she wrote this book for herself. This book is for people like her who are conscientious, type A people who struggle with perfectionism and feeling worthy. People like us (I like to call it the eldest daughter syndrome) are used to tying or worth to our productivity and to our ability to achieve. The problem with doing that is it can create burnout as well as a lot of shame when we don’t meet our incredibly high standards and expectations.
Ellen explores a concept called “contingent self-worth” or “I am as I do” which is present in the brains of many perfectionists. A subset of this thinking is activity based self-worth. Contingent self-worth works when we do well but the inevitable setbacks of life is where it falls apart.
One of my favorite parts of the book is where she talked about moving away from a labels based mindset to a values mindset. For example, many of us may have adopted the label “I am smart” as a child, but then we struggle when we can’t solve a math problem or we can’t easily understand a concept. So instead of identifying with a label: “I am smart”, we can move towards the value mindset of “I value learning”, which creates room for mistakes and doesn’t rely on having to be perfect.
All in all, this is a book that I might have to come back and revisit. I’ve struggled most of my life fighting off perfectionist tendencies that do me more harm than good and this book was extremely refreshing. I feel like a burden has been lifted and I’m ready to try the new tactics explored in How to be enough. It’s totally feasible to tell that part of our brain that wants perfection to value community and values over achievement and contingent self-worth. I highly recommend this to anyone who struggles with the same tendencies.
“We want to feel accepted, but we’ve somehow absorbed the message that to gain acceptance we have to perform to the best of our abilities… but our deepest wish is to be accepted without having to perform.”
“What perfectionism neglects to tell us is that getting it right doesn’t make us part of a community.”
“Our drive to find acceptance through performance begins because we already feel separate or different… Pretty much every high achieving person experiences a gravitational pull to feel left out. Meaning we reflexively look for signs and signals that tell you you’re being excluded or not wanted.”
🎧 I usually try to read at least one self-help book each January. This book was exactly what I needed. Not only does Ellen do an excellent job of narrating the audiobook herself, but it was very clear that she wrote this book for herself. This book is for people like her who are conscientious, type A people who struggle with perfectionism and feeling worthy. People like us (I like to call it the eldest daughter syndrome) are used to tying or worth to our productivity and to our ability to achieve. The problem with doing that is it can create burnout as well as a lot of shame when we don’t meet our incredibly high standards and expectations.
Ellen explores a concept called “contingent self-worth” or “I am as I do” which is present in the brains of many perfectionists. A subset of this thinking is activity based self-worth. Contingent self-worth works when we do well but the inevitable setbacks of life is where it falls apart.
One of my favorite parts of the book is where she talked about moving away from a labels based mindset to a values mindset. For example, many of us may have adopted the label “I am smart” as a child, but then we struggle when we can’t solve a math problem or we can’t easily understand a concept. So instead of identifying with a label: “I am smart”, we can move towards the value mindset of “I value learning”, which creates room for mistakes and doesn’t rely on having to be perfect.
All in all, this is a book that I might have to come back and revisit. I’ve struggled most of my life fighting off perfectionist tendencies that do me more harm than good and this book was extremely refreshing. I feel like a burden has been lifted and I’m ready to try the new tactics explored in How to be enough. It’s totally feasible to tell that part of our brain that wants perfection to value community and values over achievement and contingent self-worth. I highly recommend this to anyone who struggles with the same tendencies.
“We want to feel accepted, but we’ve somehow absorbed the message that to gain acceptance we have to perform to the best of our abilities… but our deepest wish is to be accepted without having to perform.”
“What perfectionism neglects to tell us is that getting it right doesn’t make us part of a community.”
“Our drive to find acceptance through performance begins because we already feel separate or different… Pretty much every high achieving person experiences a gravitational pull to feel left out. Meaning we reflexively look for signs and signals that tell you you’re being excluded or not wanted.”
February 4, 2025
Okay this is potentially a biased review since I know the author, but even still- this was an easy to read (in my case, listen to) book about the nature of perfectionism. There were a few areas where I felt like my own therapist would point to and say “told you so”, and so it did resonate. Way to go Ellen for this book!
January 28, 2025
This book is excellent for all overthinkers and overachievers! I never would've considered myself a perfectionist, but this book actually taught me that I probably am! I love the tidbits and gems that the author dropped about "just being enough" and realizing your value so that you can be happy within. I'm really working on self care, learning to love myself again, and setting boundaries this year, so I was happy to read this book!
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest opinion.
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC in exchange for my honest opinion.
Read
December 24, 2024I don’t rate non-fiction, but this is by far the most impactful psychology-based, self-help books I’ve ever read. I’ve been an overthinking perfectionist my whole life, but even knowing that going into this book didn’t open my eyes to how many self-critical habits I have until I finished reading. I don’t think I’ve ever highlighted a book so much before, because so much of what the author said and found through psychological studies resonated with me. I loved how this was structured with real-life stories to be more practical, studies to be more analytical, and solutions for you to take for each big point. There are many things I’ll be trying to do for myself and in my relationships with those around me after reading this. I highly recommend to anyone who knows they’re hard on themselves and has to do things to the max in life!
May 22, 2025
As a perfectionist who is also very critical of herself, this book offers many reflective prompts and analyses. I found myself nodding along and thinking about how I can shift my thinking and be kinder to myself and have more realistic and beneficial boundaries and expectations.
That being said, the last few chapters I could have done without—there was too much about conversation tips, and the rhetoric was hard to follow/purposeless.
That being said, the last few chapters I could have done without—there was too much about conversation tips, and the rhetoric was hard to follow/purposeless.
February 14, 2025
How to Be Enough is validating and made me feel less alone in my battles.
It felt so understanding of the struggles that come from social anxiety, performance anxiety, or perfectionism. It's not about striving to be perfect. It's about never feeling good enough.
I am hypercritical of myself often, and so many statements resonated with me: I tend to beat myself up, feel disproportionately guilty, or panic when I make a mistake or do something wrong. ↠ I take things harder than most people - problems, mistakes, or conflicts stick with me for a long time. ↠ I often think my ideas, work, or performance are not good enough. ↠ Too picky, or too critical, etc.
The book was relatable and about making the right tweaks, like being 5% less hard on yourself, 10% kinder to yourself, and entering self-compassion - warmth, caring, and understanding for ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-compassion includes being kind to ourselves, being mindful of our pain, and recognizing personal inadequacy as part of the human condition.
The author offers practical steps for self-acceptance. I liked the template of "I'm impressive or I'm a failure", which moves us from the all-or-nothingness of contingent self-worth and gets us some much-needed wiggle room.
It gives advice and perspective when we feel shame or let others or ourselves down.
This whole book made me feel seen and is an insightful tool to help make subtle shifts that will give you a freeing path and allow you to reach excellence while being authentically yourself. You are enough.
Perfectionism confers some magical superpowers like high standards, strong work ethic, reliability, and deep care for others. But gone awry, it can subject us to a powerful riptide of I should do more, do better, be better.
It felt so understanding of the struggles that come from social anxiety, performance anxiety, or perfectionism. It's not about striving to be perfect. It's about never feeling good enough.
I am hypercritical of myself often, and so many statements resonated with me: I tend to beat myself up, feel disproportionately guilty, or panic when I make a mistake or do something wrong. ↠ I take things harder than most people - problems, mistakes, or conflicts stick with me for a long time. ↠ I often think my ideas, work, or performance are not good enough. ↠ Too picky, or too critical, etc.
The book was relatable and about making the right tweaks, like being 5% less hard on yourself, 10% kinder to yourself, and entering self-compassion - warmth, caring, and understanding for ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate. Self-compassion includes being kind to ourselves, being mindful of our pain, and recognizing personal inadequacy as part of the human condition.
The author offers practical steps for self-acceptance. I liked the template of "I'm impressive or I'm a failure", which moves us from the all-or-nothingness of contingent self-worth and gets us some much-needed wiggle room.
Instead of sticking with the label of "I'm a [valued trait/qualilty] person, try this for some well-earned breathing room: I'm a [valued trait/qualilty] who sometimes [exception]. I'm a smart person who sometimes doesn't know the answer. I'm a capable person who sometimes screws things up. I'm a dedicated person who sometimes doesn't try my hardest. I'm a peaceful person who sometimes loses my temper. I'm a fun person who sometimes has a serious moment. I'm a serious person who sometimes lets loose. I'm a successful person who sometimes fails. I'm a disciplined person who sometimes lets myself go. I'm a healthy person who is sometimes unhealthy. I'm a creative person who sometimes gets blocked. I'm a good student who sometimes gets a low grade. I have good judgment and sometimes make dumb decisions. I'm a productive person who sometimes blows things off. I'm a hard worker who procrastinates. I'm a kind person who can advocate for myself. I'm a good person with some regrets.
It gives advice and perspective when we feel shame or let others or ourselves down.
Give yourself permission to have a full range of human experiences. Allow yourself some grace for past actions your brain finds bad, wrong, dumb, embarrassing, ridiculous, or horrible. You're allowed to feel good about yourself even when your past includes failures. It's called being human.
This whole book made me feel seen and is an insightful tool to help make subtle shifts that will give you a freeing path and allow you to reach excellence while being authentically yourself. You are enough.
March 8, 2025
1. really liked this cover
2. self-compassion leads to better results than self-criticism
come back to these:
-To discover your own values, try this simple exercise: Think about the moments in your life when you felt most alive and purposeful. Maybe it was helping a friend through a tough time, or losing yourself in a creative project, or teaching someone a new skill. These moments point toward what truly matters to you.
- In your next casual conversation, let your facial expressions match your genuine reactions, even just twenty percent more than usual. Notice how this small shift affects your sense of connection and presence in the moment.
notes:
- why do you keep listening to this harsh inner voice? Often, you’re trying to protect yourself. By criticizing yourself first, you believe you can avoid others’ judgment.
- Sometimes you even criticize yourself to feel more in control – if something’s your fault, at least you can fix it. Occasionally, you might even voice self-criticism hoping others will reassure you that you’re doing fine.
- Self-criticism might seem like a path to self-improvement, but it actually diminishes us in powerful ways. When perfectionism becomes your default setting, it grinds your motivation to a halt, increases stress, and, paradoxically, actually lowers the quality of your work. Even worse, it creates a barrier between you and others, making genuine connection harder to achieve.
- self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you’d offer a friend who’s struggling. It means recognizing that making mistakes and feeling inadequate sometimes is simply part of being human
- Self-compassion isn’t just about feelings – it’s about actions. It might mean giving yourself permission to rest without guilt, or accepting that you can’t possibly do everything on your impossible to-do list.
- perfectionism doesn’t just turn inward – it often flows toward others, especially those closest to us. You might find yourself holding your partner, children, or colleagues to impossible standards, focusing on their flaws while easily forgiving strangers for the same mistakes.
- When you base your self-worth on performance – whether that’s work achievements, following a diet perfectly, or appearing totally normal at social events – you set yourself up for inevitable crashes when you can’t maintain it.
- Productivity isn’t about being perfect – it’s about making progress. And even mistakes can be a part of that progress.
e.g.
MIchiko, who hosts elaborate dinner parties but can’t accept a single compliment from her guests. When they praise her dumplings, she points out every little flaw. She hopes this comes across as humble and vulnerable, drawing people closer. But her comments actually push people away, making them hesitant to share their own vulnerable moments or invite her to their homes in return.
2. self-compassion leads to better results than self-criticism
come back to these:
-To discover your own values, try this simple exercise: Think about the moments in your life when you felt most alive and purposeful. Maybe it was helping a friend through a tough time, or losing yourself in a creative project, or teaching someone a new skill. These moments point toward what truly matters to you.
- In your next casual conversation, let your facial expressions match your genuine reactions, even just twenty percent more than usual. Notice how this small shift affects your sense of connection and presence in the moment.
notes:
- why do you keep listening to this harsh inner voice? Often, you’re trying to protect yourself. By criticizing yourself first, you believe you can avoid others’ judgment.
- Sometimes you even criticize yourself to feel more in control – if something’s your fault, at least you can fix it. Occasionally, you might even voice self-criticism hoping others will reassure you that you’re doing fine.
- Self-criticism might seem like a path to self-improvement, but it actually diminishes us in powerful ways. When perfectionism becomes your default setting, it grinds your motivation to a halt, increases stress, and, paradoxically, actually lowers the quality of your work. Even worse, it creates a barrier between you and others, making genuine connection harder to achieve.
- self-compassion. This means treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding you’d offer a friend who’s struggling. It means recognizing that making mistakes and feeling inadequate sometimes is simply part of being human
- Self-compassion isn’t just about feelings – it’s about actions. It might mean giving yourself permission to rest without guilt, or accepting that you can’t possibly do everything on your impossible to-do list.
- perfectionism doesn’t just turn inward – it often flows toward others, especially those closest to us. You might find yourself holding your partner, children, or colleagues to impossible standards, focusing on their flaws while easily forgiving strangers for the same mistakes.
- When you base your self-worth on performance – whether that’s work achievements, following a diet perfectly, or appearing totally normal at social events – you set yourself up for inevitable crashes when you can’t maintain it.
- Productivity isn’t about being perfect – it’s about making progress. And even mistakes can be a part of that progress.
e.g.
MIchiko, who hosts elaborate dinner parties but can’t accept a single compliment from her guests. When they praise her dumplings, she points out every little flaw. She hopes this comes across as humble and vulnerable, drawing people closer. But her comments actually push people away, making them hesitant to share their own vulnerable moments or invite her to their homes in return.
Read
January 10, 2025For those of us who have found it hard (no, impossible) to ignore that little voice, (coming from inside, but imagined to be coming loud-and-clear by those outside of us) telling us to work unremittingly harder, faster, smarter for after all, we are just not good enough (yet?) - this is the book to help us reset. Written by a clinical psychologist, herself a self-proclaimed perfectionist, here laid out for the reader is the inside personal scoop, as well as the exhaustively-researched professional data to help us recognize our own drivers, where they come from, how they only partially serve us, and how to get a better handle on them. With these insights, we just may finally understand, accept, and even change our self-critical, rigidly-maintained mindset — with the aid of a terrific set of tools, a deeply compassionate voice, and an in-depth visit with this therapist, who also personifies an “older”, wiser sister (of sorts).
Perfectionism, in all its forms, is about looking for acceptance, — socially, interpersonally, and at its root, where it arises (poignantly) deep inside of us. And therein lies the rub. As the author explains, illustrating via a number of anecdotes based on patients and experiences, — we are not alone, we can make mistakes (even whoppers), we can let go, and we can live the life we actually want to live — she opens the door to a flood of warmth driven by our own self-kindness, unleashed one tiny step at a time, accompanied by a boost of mindfulness to carry us through this journey of discovery to a better place.
A terrific read, packed with insights, “aha” moments, and just plain support (with a capital S), this book is highly recommended (along with the author’s sister volume on Social Anxiety “How to be Yourself”) for sufferers of perfectionism, or anyone with a keen interest in the marvel of our wiring - how it arises, stumbles, yet can be selectively tuned through practice, and the magic of self-compassion.
A great big thank you to #Netgalley, the author and the publisher for an ARC of this book. All thoughts presented are my own.
August 2, 2025
Book Report: How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists
At First Glance: The cover says all I need to know to pick this up.
The Gist: Are you your own toughest critic? Learn to be good to yourself with this clear and compassionate guide.
My Thoughts: Each morning I looked forward to my time spent with Ellen Hendriksen… a mini therapy seesion, if you will. She had me at the prologue sharing two very iconic entertainment tycoons… Walt Disney and Mr. Rogers and from there it only got better. When I first heard the term perfectionism I took it as black and white… this is my second book on the trait and here to clear up my mis-understandings of perfectionism… it is multifaceted and I think many would be surprised what they may find within these pages/similar books. Each chapter has case studies, and tips that feel very genuine and easy to understand and follow. If you’re looking to dip your toes into a self improvement book and something about this title catches your attention, I promise it won’t disappoint. My book is heavily tabbed and underlined and it will be one I will reference over the years.
Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/Lyon.brit.A...
At First Glance: The cover says all I need to know to pick this up.
The Gist: Are you your own toughest critic? Learn to be good to yourself with this clear and compassionate guide.
My Thoughts: Each morning I looked forward to my time spent with Ellen Hendriksen… a mini therapy seesion, if you will. She had me at the prologue sharing two very iconic entertainment tycoons… Walt Disney and Mr. Rogers and from there it only got better. When I first heard the term perfectionism I took it as black and white… this is my second book on the trait and here to clear up my mis-understandings of perfectionism… it is multifaceted and I think many would be surprised what they may find within these pages/similar books. Each chapter has case studies, and tips that feel very genuine and easy to understand and follow. If you’re looking to dip your toes into a self improvement book and something about this title catches your attention, I promise it won’t disappoint. My book is heavily tabbed and underlined and it will be one I will reference over the years.
Follow me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/Lyon.brit.A...
August 26, 2024
Thank you to the publisher/author for a copy of this book in exchange for a review.
I don't normally read these types of books but this one kept me interested during various chapters. There were some aspects that I skimmed through but there were some sections that had good information for everyone in my opinion. I think if self-help is your type of genre you will find this book to be useful in some aspects of your life, possibly more.
I don't normally read these types of books but this one kept me interested during various chapters. There were some aspects that I skimmed through but there were some sections that had good information for everyone in my opinion. I think if self-help is your type of genre you will find this book to be useful in some aspects of your life, possibly more.
February 6, 2025
I didn’t realize I needed this book until I had someone say to me, “Why do you view yourself in one of two extremes - either needing to be perfect or you are a total failure?” The person then said I give so much grace to others, yet I don’t give that same grace to myself.
Fortunately that person said that to me around the same time as this book coming out. I jumped on getting the audiobook from the library.
This book has a ton of valuable lessons, so many that it was hard to retain all of them in my head while I was listening. I just bought the hardcover book so I can have it as a resource and flip to different sections as needed.
This book made me realize that I am a definite perfectionist, although interestingly perfectionism can show itself in many different ways. For me personally, it plays out in how critically I can judge myself but it also affects my relationships with others, keeping me from being vulnerable and sharing too much.
Fortunately the author provides tips on ways to show our more authentic selves and to not let perfectionism be an impediment.
A terrific and engaging read replete with tons of useful information. Highly recommend!
Fortunately that person said that to me around the same time as this book coming out. I jumped on getting the audiobook from the library.
This book has a ton of valuable lessons, so many that it was hard to retain all of them in my head while I was listening. I just bought the hardcover book so I can have it as a resource and flip to different sections as needed.
This book made me realize that I am a definite perfectionist, although interestingly perfectionism can show itself in many different ways. For me personally, it plays out in how critically I can judge myself but it also affects my relationships with others, keeping me from being vulnerable and sharing too much.
Fortunately the author provides tips on ways to show our more authentic selves and to not let perfectionism be an impediment.
A terrific and engaging read replete with tons of useful information. Highly recommend!
September 8, 2025
It's tough to put into words how this book affected me. I don't struggle with textbook perfectionism but I do have unrealistic expectations of myself such as being perfect on the first try and I shouldn't make mistakes, ever. This helped me realize what I feel is normal, put me on the path to be kinder to myself, and see rest and relaxation as necessary and part of my values. If you struggle with self-criticism or perfectionism, I highly recommend this and think you should read it promptly.
April 16, 2025
3.5 stars
This book has an intriguing premise, and I liked how the author breaks down perfectionism into different parts - ie fighting the urge to be productive all the time, how to connect more meaningfully with people via vulnerability, not being so hard on yourself when you make a mistake. I just found it hard to focus on the nitty gritty of each chapter, which I think (through no fault of the author) may have been because I am simply not currently in a headspace to be fully absorbed by a book presenting lots of research and technical terms. I will probably return to this book during a less busy time in my life when (ironically) my mind is not plagued by a never ending to-do list and the need to be hyperproductive.
In other words, I will work on not being perfectionistic when I feel it is the perfect time to focus on it. 😂
This book has an intriguing premise, and I liked how the author breaks down perfectionism into different parts - ie fighting the urge to be productive all the time, how to connect more meaningfully with people via vulnerability, not being so hard on yourself when you make a mistake. I just found it hard to focus on the nitty gritty of each chapter, which I think (through no fault of the author) may have been because I am simply not currently in a headspace to be fully absorbed by a book presenting lots of research and technical terms. I will probably return to this book during a less busy time in my life when (ironically) my mind is not plagued by a never ending to-do list and the need to be hyperproductive.
In other words, I will work on not being perfectionistic when I feel it is the perfect time to focus on it. 😂
March 2, 2025
This was so hard to rate. It was too long, with too many stories, and too much “inclusivity.” It also had that feel of when parents are trying to relate to teenagers by referencing pop culture… But outside of all that, there was some real gold in here for the over achievers. You will feel deeply seen, challenged, and sigh with relief at the things you don’t have to be doing.
March 2, 2025
I didn't think I was a perfectionist (because I thought, "well I don't need everything in life to be perfect"), but then I realized, "You hate it when things don't go according to plan."
I really appreciated the emphasis on having grace/compassion for yourself. There were a ton of applicable mindset shifts in this book.
Ellen's writing style is very approachable/trying to be down with the kids - I don't think she naturally has a sense of humour but is trying really hard with the examples. Also there were an excessive amount of unnecessary footnotes.
I really appreciated the emphasis on having grace/compassion for yourself. There were a ton of applicable mindset shifts in this book.
Ellen's writing style is very approachable/trying to be down with the kids - I don't think she naturally has a sense of humour but is trying really hard with the examples. Also there were an excessive amount of unnecessary footnotes.
March 23, 2025
Wow I have never felt so SEEN. Definitely gonna reread, mark up, and use the tips as journal prompts for the foreseeable future
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