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Първа любов
След като е арестувана за жестокото убийство на баща си, студентката Канна Хиджириама казва на полицията само: „Сами ще трябва да откриете мотива ми“.
Сред истеричния медийния шум около „едно момиче, прекалено красиво, за да е убийца“, клиничната психоложка Юки Макабе е помолена от голямо издателство да напише книга за нейния случай. Защитата на Канна също отправя молба към нея – да провежда консултации с подсъдимата преди съдебния процес.
Юки бавно разкрива мрачната история зад отношенията в живота на Канна – с баща ѝ, майка ѝ и „първата ѝ любов“. Тя попада на шокиращи събития, докато самата Юки се изправя пред своите демони от детство и бавно се връща към големите въпроси, останали пред нея след нейната първа любов.
„Първа любов“ е носител на престижната награда „Наоки“ и японски бестселър, като комбинира в едно психологическа драма и юридически трилър.
Сред истеричния медийния шум около „едно момиче, прекалено красиво, за да е убийца“, клиничната психоложка Юки Макабе е помолена от голямо издателство да напише книга за нейния случай. Защитата на Канна също отправя молба към нея – да провежда консултации с подсъдимата преди съдебния процес.
Юки бавно разкрива мрачната история зад отношенията в живота на Канна – с баща ѝ, майка ѝ и „първата ѝ любов“. Тя попада на шокиращи събития, докато самата Юки се изправя пред своите демони от детство и бавно се връща към големите въпроси, останали пред нея след нейната първа любов.
„Първа любов“ е носител на престижната награда „Наоки“ и японски бестселър, като комбинира в едно психологическа драма и юридически трилър.
280 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2018
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November 13, 2024First Love is a fantastic feminist drama with a wonderful hook: a young woman named Kanna leaves a job interview, travels to the college where her father works, and stabs him to death. Now, in the lead up to her trial, psychologist protagonist Yuki has been tasked with writing a book about the events. In order to research the book, she takes with Kanna and interviews the people in her life—present and past—to paint a picture of who she really is.
As the day of the trial draws nearer, we learn not only about Kanna's childhood and her relationship to her parents, but also about Yuki's marriage and her college years. We grow intimate with these women, and the dark stories they harbour. This is a story about abuse and misogyny, about the objectification and commodification of women's and girls' bodies. It's also a story about truth and how difficult it is to find when we contain multitudes.
My full thoughts: https://booksandbao.com/japanese-lite...
As the day of the trial draws nearer, we learn not only about Kanna's childhood and her relationship to her parents, but also about Yuki's marriage and her college years. We grow intimate with these women, and the dark stories they harbour. This is a story about abuse and misogyny, about the objectification and commodification of women's and girls' bodies. It's also a story about truth and how difficult it is to find when we contain multitudes.
My full thoughts: https://booksandbao.com/japanese-lite...
July 6, 2025
Всяко общество си има своите традиционни роли, утвърдени през вековете. Разчупването им се посреща първоначално на нож, докато постепенно нова и старо неизбежно се смесят, за да образуват нещо далеч по-добро от задушаващите отеснели и мъчителни стари калъпи.
В източноазиатските общества, и в японското в частност, тази битка не изглежда никак лесна, дори и днес - поне на база прочетено. Но все пак промяната тече, макар и не без глухата съпротива на индоктринираните в безкритичност към всичко старо.
Проблемите, за които Рио Шимамото говори, са близки и до нас - просто са в по-“екзотичен” контекст. Неразбирателството родители - деца, превърнало се в смъртоносна яма от плаващи пясъци заради сляпото подчинение на фалшиви авторитети и присъщата за тези авторитети безнаказаност - каквито и ужаси да извършат. Ролята на работещата жена, все още възприемана като абоминация - и жената понякога все още е “плячка” в един доминиран от мъже професионален свят (макар от Шимамото да лъха стабилен оптимизъм, че промяната вече е значима). Да не говорим за мъжа, който учудващо не желае да се хвърли в общоприетата надпревара за най-тлъстия пай и прегризване на колкото гърла трябва (докато избива напрежението с пиене, разврат, домашно насилие и каквото друго му е под ръка) - в очите на “традиционалистите” “то това мъж ли е?”. Битката с омертата за травмите и несправедливостите в общество, което често предпочита удобно да не вижда и да не знае за пороците си, за да се чувства блажено невинно и благопристойно.
Криминалната нишка действително не е водеща, макар в източноазиатски стил да е отлично напластена и силно въздействаща. Съдбите, премеждията, травмите, помъдряването на героите са основният фокус на сюжета. Всичко е много ежедневно, много битово, неусетно, простичко - и тъкмо затова отеква със страшна сила. Струва ми се, че по тамошните стандарти Шимамото е поднесла доста лека версия, от което лично аз - като непоправима привърженичка на щастливия край - останах страшно доволна (макар това да причини две твърде удобни сюжетни решения, които са съвсем мъничко захаросани.)
П.П. Много ме радват от “Пепърмил Букс” с избора си на заглавия.
В източноазиатските общества, и в японското в частност, тази битка не изглежда никак лесна, дори и днес - поне на база прочетено. Но все пак промяната тече, макар и не без глухата съпротива на индоктринираните в безкритичност към всичко старо.
Проблемите, за които Рио Шимамото говори, са близки и до нас - просто са в по-“екзотичен” контекст. Неразбирателството родители - деца, превърнало се в смъртоносна яма от плаващи пясъци заради сляпото подчинение на фалшиви авторитети и присъщата за тези авторитети безнаказаност - каквито и ужаси да извършат. Ролята на работещата жена, все още възприемана като абоминация - и жената понякога все още е “плячка” в един доминиран от мъже професионален свят (макар от Шимамото да лъха стабилен оптимизъм, че промяната вече е значима). Да не говорим за мъжа, който учудващо не желае да се хвърли в общоприетата надпревара за най-тлъстия пай и прегризване на колкото гърла трябва (докато избива напрежението с пиене, разврат, домашно насилие и каквото друго му е под ръка) - в очите на “традиционалистите” “то това мъж ли е?”. Битката с омертата за травмите и несправедливостите в общество, което често предпочита удобно да не вижда и да не знае за пороците си, за да се чувства блажено невинно и благопристойно.
Криминалната нишка действително не е водеща, макар в източноазиатски стил да е отлично напластена и силно въздействаща. Съдбите, премеждията, травмите, помъдряването на героите са основният фокус на сюжета. Всичко е много ежедневно, много битово, неусетно, простичко - и тъкмо затова отеква със страшна сила. Струва ми се, че по тамошните стандарти Шимамото е поднесла доста лека версия, от което лично аз - като непоправима привърженичка на щастливия край - останах страшно доволна (макар това да причини две твърде удобни сюжетни решения, които са съвсем мъничко захаросани.)
П.П. Много ме радват от “Пепърмил Букс” с избора си на заглавия.
April 26, 2025
A pageturner about a murder on a father by a daughter. Contains important messages on the impact of trauma and the opportunity for chance, while tackling dark themes
Comply with his wishes. Live up to adults’ expectations. Pretend you feel no discomfort or fear.
I enjoyed this investigation into a murder, turning into a wider commentary on the way society treats women and the impact parents and trauma can have, a solid three stars for me. At times I found the message, which in itself is powerful and relevant, being brought across a bit didactically, but I was always keen to find out more about Kanna and Yuki.
First Love is quite dark, with abuse and self-harm being central to the narrative, but also a hopeful book in messaging that change is always possible.
We follow Dr. Yuki Makabe, hikikomori expert and psychologist. She is writing a book about Kanna, who murdered her father:
On the subway to the detention center I reviewed the case materials.
Kanna Hijiriyama, twenty-two years old. Arrested July 19th of this year on suspicion of murder. The victim was her father, the painter Naoto Hijiriyama.
The vibes are immediately there:
“Right, right. It was a shocking case, wasn’t it? A final year college student stabs her father to death right after an interview to be a presenter for a major TV station. Then she walks along the bank of the Tamagawa River covered in his blood. And then of course everyone was talking about that other bit.”
“Which bit?”
“What she said after she was arrested: ‘You’ll have to discover my motive for yourselves.’
Yuki has a husband called Gamon who is related to Kasho, with whom Yuki has had a relationship as well. Soon the case starts to show signs of physical abuse by boyfriends and self-harm, child prostitution being mentioned. Overtures of loss and trauma's are abundant:
‘Sometimes we try so hard to regain what we’ve lost that we end up losing more.’
The father of Kanna turns out to be a tyrannical, aloof artist (It’s possible that people were objects of observation to him, not to be connected with on a personal level) and her mother appears far from supportive when bad things start to happen: Probably in the third year of junior high school, so fourteen or fifteen. Her parents were furious with her, saying she had led him on and she had to deal with the consequences herself. She was really depressed about it.
The take of the mother goes like this:
That girl has always been so fragile. And my husband was a difficult person—I also had my share of problems with him. Yes, that much I’m aware of. But in the end, it’s up to the individual to deal with their own problems.
What the book does fascinating is discuss what is real or not, you keep on your toes and then we find out our narrator also turns out to have a chequered past with men, mental health and seemingly starved herself when problems arose: I didn’t understand because I’d never asked. I’d been afraid of hurting and being hurt, of not understanding, of not being understood.
Abuse, betrayal by parents and lovers, Rio Shimamoto does not hold back:
“Do you know what love is? I think it’s all about valuing and respecting someone, and trust.”
“But there’s nothing about me to be respected.”
The ending is somewhat didactic and kind of neat in resolution and symmetry between our narrator and Kanna, but the book is definitely fascinating, and I am normally not at all a murder mystery reader. Also the interaction with Turgenev and his work with the same title, focusing similarly on betrayals that a daughter experiences at the hand of a father, is interesting.
Comply with his wishes. Live up to adults’ expectations. Pretend you feel no discomfort or fear.
I enjoyed this investigation into a murder, turning into a wider commentary on the way society treats women and the impact parents and trauma can have, a solid three stars for me. At times I found the message, which in itself is powerful and relevant, being brought across a bit didactically, but I was always keen to find out more about Kanna and Yuki.
First Love is quite dark, with abuse and self-harm being central to the narrative, but also a hopeful book in messaging that change is always possible.
We follow Dr. Yuki Makabe, hikikomori expert and psychologist. She is writing a book about Kanna, who murdered her father:
On the subway to the detention center I reviewed the case materials.
Kanna Hijiriyama, twenty-two years old. Arrested July 19th of this year on suspicion of murder. The victim was her father, the painter Naoto Hijiriyama.
The vibes are immediately there:
“Right, right. It was a shocking case, wasn’t it? A final year college student stabs her father to death right after an interview to be a presenter for a major TV station. Then she walks along the bank of the Tamagawa River covered in his blood. And then of course everyone was talking about that other bit.”
“Which bit?”
“What she said after she was arrested: ‘You’ll have to discover my motive for yourselves.’
Yuki has a husband called Gamon who is related to Kasho, with whom Yuki has had a relationship as well. Soon the case starts to show signs of physical abuse by boyfriends and self-harm, child prostitution being mentioned. Overtures of loss and trauma's are abundant:
‘Sometimes we try so hard to regain what we’ve lost that we end up losing more.’
The father of Kanna turns out to be a tyrannical, aloof artist (It’s possible that people were objects of observation to him, not to be connected with on a personal level) and her mother appears far from supportive when bad things start to happen: Probably in the third year of junior high school, so fourteen or fifteen. Her parents were furious with her, saying she had led him on and she had to deal with the consequences herself. She was really depressed about it.
The take of the mother goes like this:
That girl has always been so fragile. And my husband was a difficult person—I also had my share of problems with him. Yes, that much I’m aware of. But in the end, it’s up to the individual to deal with their own problems.
What the book does fascinating is discuss what is real or not, you keep on your toes and then we find out our narrator also turns out to have a chequered past with men, mental health and seemingly starved herself when problems arose: I didn’t understand because I’d never asked. I’d been afraid of hurting and being hurt, of not understanding, of not being understood.
Abuse, betrayal by parents and lovers, Rio Shimamoto does not hold back:
“Do you know what love is? I think it’s all about valuing and respecting someone, and trust.”
“But there’s nothing about me to be respected.”
The ending is somewhat didactic and kind of neat in resolution and symmetry between our narrator and Kanna, but the book is definitely fascinating, and I am normally not at all a murder mystery reader. Also the interaction with Turgenev and his work with the same title, focusing similarly on betrayals that a daughter experiences at the hand of a father, is interesting.
December 11, 2024
after committing a horrible
crime, kanna's personality is
deconstructed in search of an
explanation, bringing up horrors
patriarchy puts girls through. ♡
crime, kanna's personality is
deconstructed in search of an
explanation, bringing up horrors
patriarchy puts girls through. ♡
January 22, 2025
An absolutely enthralling read and an addictive legal thriller. I could not put this down and woke up early this morning just so I could finish it. A college student is arrested one day after buying a knife and stabbing her father in a bathroom, telling the police "you need to find the motive" when she is caught. The book follows a psychologist who begins interviewing the suspect with the intention of writing a novel about the case, and she is forced to work with the girl's lawyer - her brother-in-law - who she has some dark history with.
I immediately noticed the similarities in plot to Butter which I have also just finished reading. They are both about murderers already in prison, being interviewed by someone who is going to be writing about them, trying to figure out the details of the murders and both have a dark feminist streak to them. However reading First Love just really highlighted how boring Butter was. This is the book that Butter was trying to be, but failed immensely.
From the very first page of this novel I was immediately drawn in. The whole book has a tense, gritty feel to it and the characters are so spooky and really come alive through the book. It is paced really well and not one second of the novel was boring or let up in pace. Although I have docked a star for the actual book itself being quite average in the way that it is a pretty standard legal thriller, I was still really enraptured by this book and thought it was a great mystery. I would definitely recommend for anyone who loves crime and wants to get into translated fiction!
I immediately noticed the similarities in plot to Butter which I have also just finished reading. They are both about murderers already in prison, being interviewed by someone who is going to be writing about them, trying to figure out the details of the murders and both have a dark feminist streak to them. However reading First Love just really highlighted how boring Butter was. This is the book that Butter was trying to be, but failed immensely.
From the very first page of this novel I was immediately drawn in. The whole book has a tense, gritty feel to it and the characters are so spooky and really come alive through the book. It is paced really well and not one second of the novel was boring or let up in pace. Although I have docked a star for the actual book itself being quite average in the way that it is a pretty standard legal thriller, I was still really enraptured by this book and thought it was a great mystery. I would definitely recommend for anyone who loves crime and wants to get into translated fiction!
October 15, 2025
Четеш си най-спокойно за живота на жена, на която е възложено да напише книга за убийство и по-точно за 22 годишно момиче, което убива баща си. Защо го убива, какъв е мотива?
Четеш си 200 страници за разни срещи на жената с всички хора, които са "влизали" в живота на 22 годишната девойка и в последните 40 страници направо настръхваш. То и от малко по-рано се разбира за какво става на въпрос, но имах чувството, че някой ме стиска за гърлото и не можех да дишам към края!
Не знам какво има в японската народопсихология, а и в азиатската като цяло, да криеш и да не споделяш мисли, чувства и емоции в името на общото благо и обществото. Винаги ме е изненадвала сдържаността им и съм се възхищавала, защото лично на мен ми е трудно да крия емоции и чувства и понякога съм съжалявала, че показвам твърде много емоции.
Може би и от там проблема с многото самоубийства там - за непосилността да се справят с живота и изискванията към тях в обществото.
И вечният проблем - семейство, родители, възпитание, и връзката родител-дете.
Но в едно болно общество/семейство е трудно да се отгледа "нормално" дете където и да е по света!
Хареса ми книгата, това ми е крайната мисъл всъщност!
Четеш си 200 страници за разни срещи на жената с всички хора, които са "влизали" в живота на 22 годишната девойка и в последните 40 страници направо настръхваш. То и от малко по-рано се разбира за какво става на въпрос, но имах чувството, че някой ме стиска за гърлото и не можех да дишам към края!
Не знам какво има в японската народопсихология, а и в азиатската като цяло, да криеш и да не споделяш мисли, чувства и емоции в името на общото благо и обществото. Винаги ме е изненадвала сдържаността им и съм се възхищавала, защото лично на мен ми е трудно да крия емоции и чувства и понякога съм съжалявала, че показвам твърде много емоции.
Може би и от там проблема с многото самоубийства там - за непосилността да се справят с живота и изискванията към тях в обществото.
И вечният проблем - семейство, родители, възпитание, и връзката родител-дете.
Но в едно болно общество/семейство е трудно да се отгледа "нормално" дете където и да е по света!
Хареса ми книгата, това ми е крайната мисъл всъщност!
October 25, 2025
I feel a bit scattered about this novel, I think.
1. It explored very important topics such as child abuse (including sexual) &/or neglect, misogyny, trauma responses, self-harm (cutting), microaggressions, counseling, traditional gender roles in Japan, & more.
2. Most of this novel felt choppy & the transitions between some paragraphs/scenes were abrupt.
3. Sometimes it felt like the main narrator was in a fugue state during her telling of this story. And, most of the story did seem like telling, not showing, which presented the story at arm's length & almost in a dissociative manner at times.
4. I think there was meant to be a type of mirroring effect between the traumas each woman suffered & the lifetime effects that are produced but the correlation sometimes felt clunky & less impactful than it could have been.
5. I did appreciate that some non-traditional roles were explored such as a wife being the main career-holder while the husband was more of the house-husband, two different characters were brought up by someone who was not their blood parent (stepfather in one case, aunt & uncle in another) & the complications that can arise, etc. Some of the topics feel transgressive in Japanese literature (imo).
6. There seemed to be a (weird?) blurring of lines between personal & professional, legal vs. counseling, media vs. privacy. Sometimes those areas do overlap irl but the blurring of boundaries felt icky here at times. Maybe that was part of the point?
7. Some of the counselor's questions, discussions, & conclusions felt off. I'm not a counselor, I know there can be a variety of options for any case but some things felt off enough that it pulled me out of the story to wonder if the author researched trauma counseling at all, was writing off the cuff, or what. For the narrator being a professional in her field, sometimes I (the reader) wasn't convinced that she was.
8. The trial itself & the sentencing seemed quite short in relation to the build-up.
Overall, there were many intriguing topics & food for thought but I somehow felt vaguely dissatisfied with the whole. Still, I would give it a solid 3 stars (which I consider a decent rating).
1. It explored very important topics such as child abuse (including sexual) &/or neglect, misogyny, trauma responses, self-harm (cutting), microaggressions, counseling, traditional gender roles in Japan, & more.
2. Most of this novel felt choppy & the transitions between some paragraphs/scenes were abrupt.
3. Sometimes it felt like the main narrator was in a fugue state during her telling of this story. And, most of the story did seem like telling, not showing, which presented the story at arm's length & almost in a dissociative manner at times.
4. I think there was meant to be a type of mirroring effect between the traumas each woman suffered & the lifetime effects that are produced but the correlation sometimes felt clunky & less impactful than it could have been.
5. I did appreciate that some non-traditional roles were explored such as a wife being the main career-holder while the husband was more of the house-husband, two different characters were brought up by someone who was not their blood parent (stepfather in one case, aunt & uncle in another) & the complications that can arise, etc. Some of the topics feel transgressive in Japanese literature (imo).
6. There seemed to be a (weird?) blurring of lines between personal & professional, legal vs. counseling, media vs. privacy. Sometimes those areas do overlap irl but the blurring of boundaries felt icky here at times. Maybe that was part of the point?
7. Some of the counselor's questions, discussions, & conclusions felt off. I'm not a counselor, I know there can be a variety of options for any case but some things felt off enough that it pulled me out of the story to wonder if the author researched trauma counseling at all, was writing off the cuff, or what. For the narrator being a professional in her field, sometimes I (the reader) wasn't convinced that she was.
8. The trial itself & the sentencing seemed quite short in relation to the build-up.
Overall, there were many intriguing topics & food for thought but I somehow felt vaguely dissatisfied with the whole. Still, I would give it a solid 3 stars (which I consider a decent rating).
April 3, 2025
A legal thriller that follows a clinical psychologist as she teams up with a lawyer to uncover the hidden motives behind a young female college student who has committed patricide. The author addresses topics like child abuse, self-harm, and misogyny. To me, the entire piece felt more like a dissertation. It could be a translation issue, as some sentences appeared overly westernized. I found the pacing of the story lacking, and everything felt quite predictable. I've certainly encountered much more engaging thrillers from Japanese writers.
October 27, 2024
Kanna, have you ever refused a man who approached you for a physical relationship?’
She hesitated. ‘Hardly ever.’
‘And was that what you wanted?’
‘Sometimes I may have wanted it, and sometimes I felt responsible that I’d made them feel that way, so I felt I had to do it.’
First Love is Louise Heal Kawai's translation of Rio Shimamoto's 2018 original ファーストラヴ (a phonetic rendition of 'First Love'), winner of the 2018 Naoki Prize in the original (a prize that has a more popular fiction flavour that it’s more literary stablemate, the Akutagawa.
This is billed as a psychological study / legal thriller, although I would say stronger on the former than the latter. The novel is narrated by a clinical psychologist Dr Yuki Makabe, who has been commissioned by a publisher to write her first book, about a current legal case grabbing the headlines:
“Kanna Hijiriyama? Yes, a publisher contacted me to ask me to write about her from a clinical psychologist’s viewpoint.”
“I see. You’re a writer too?”
I shook my head.
“No, this book will be my first. But I’m also on the fence about it. I think anthropologically speaking it could be a valuable book, but it wouldn’t be good if it affected the outcome of her trial. And then I have to take into consideration the feelings of the bereaved family. I’m not even sure the project will go ahead.”
“Right, right. It was a shocking case, wasn’t it? A final year college student stabs her father to death right after an interview to be a presenter for a major TV station. Then she walks along the bank of the Tamagawa River covered in his blood. And then of course everyone was talking about that other bit.”
“Which bit?”
“What she said after she was arrested: ‘You’ll have to discover my motive for yourselves.’”
Coincidentally Kanna’s court-appointed lawyer turns out to be her brother-in-law Kasho Anno and the two cooperate trying to understand the motivation behind Kanna’s shocking act, interviewing her and various acquaintances to piece the story together.
There also proved to be a back story about Kasho and Yuki’s relationship which is revealed in a slightly frustrating drip-drip fashion given the narration is first person.
The story of Kanna’s life that results from their investigations doesn’t paint the men in Kanna’s life in a great light, from her father, an artist, to his art students and various boyfriends of Kanna and as a study of the impacts of formative events on a young woman’s own relationships this is well done. As mentioned the legal thriller side seemed less convincing - I’m not familiar with the Japanese court system so perhaps this is realistic, but the trial for such a contentious crime seemed rather shallow and quick (more like an academic debate between the prosecutor and defending lawyer) but arguably the legal definition of culpability is less the focus here than the psychological.
3 stars (2.5 rounded up)
She hesitated. ‘Hardly ever.’
‘And was that what you wanted?’
‘Sometimes I may have wanted it, and sometimes I felt responsible that I’d made them feel that way, so I felt I had to do it.’
First Love is Louise Heal Kawai's translation of Rio Shimamoto's 2018 original ファーストラヴ (a phonetic rendition of 'First Love'), winner of the 2018 Naoki Prize in the original (a prize that has a more popular fiction flavour that it’s more literary stablemate, the Akutagawa.
This is billed as a psychological study / legal thriller, although I would say stronger on the former than the latter. The novel is narrated by a clinical psychologist Dr Yuki Makabe, who has been commissioned by a publisher to write her first book, about a current legal case grabbing the headlines:
“Kanna Hijiriyama? Yes, a publisher contacted me to ask me to write about her from a clinical psychologist’s viewpoint.”
“I see. You’re a writer too?”
I shook my head.
“No, this book will be my first. But I’m also on the fence about it. I think anthropologically speaking it could be a valuable book, but it wouldn’t be good if it affected the outcome of her trial. And then I have to take into consideration the feelings of the bereaved family. I’m not even sure the project will go ahead.”
“Right, right. It was a shocking case, wasn’t it? A final year college student stabs her father to death right after an interview to be a presenter for a major TV station. Then she walks along the bank of the Tamagawa River covered in his blood. And then of course everyone was talking about that other bit.”
“Which bit?”
“What she said after she was arrested: ‘You’ll have to discover my motive for yourselves.’”
Coincidentally Kanna’s court-appointed lawyer turns out to be her brother-in-law Kasho Anno and the two cooperate trying to understand the motivation behind Kanna’s shocking act, interviewing her and various acquaintances to piece the story together.
There also proved to be a back story about Kasho and Yuki’s relationship which is revealed in a slightly frustrating drip-drip fashion given the narration is first person.
The story of Kanna’s life that results from their investigations doesn’t paint the men in Kanna’s life in a great light, from her father, an artist, to his art students and various boyfriends of Kanna and as a study of the impacts of formative events on a young woman’s own relationships this is well done. As mentioned the legal thriller side seemed less convincing - I’m not familiar with the Japanese court system so perhaps this is realistic, but the trial for such a contentious crime seemed rather shallow and quick (more like an academic debate between the prosecutor and defending lawyer) but arguably the legal definition of culpability is less the focus here than the psychological.
3 stars (2.5 rounded up)
March 6, 2025
This book is good from so many points of view that I don't even know where to begin.
The plot is compelling, but it doesn't rely on trivial tricks to remain a mystery, so no plot twists or surprise revelations that are so American movie-like.
The characters unravel at a pace that always leaves us curious about what might happen without detracting from the facets of each character.
Underlying the crime, however, is a story that is told in all the complexity that is necessary without making it a simple scheme to bring the book to an end.
In short, I wouldn't call it a detective story, but really a good novel.
Questo libro é bello da talmente tanti punti di vista che non so nemmeno da dove cominciare.
La trama é avvincente, ma non si avvale di trucchetti banali per rimanere un mistero quasi fino alla fine, quindi nessun plot twist o rivelazione a sorpresa, che fa tanto film americano.
I personaggi si svelano con un ritmo che ci lascia sempre curiosi per cosa potrebbe succedere senza per questo sminuire le sfaccettature di ogni personaggio.
Alla base del crimine c'é comunque una storia che viene raccontata in tutta la complessità che é necessaria, senza farne un semplice schema per far finire il libro in qualche modo.
Insomma, non lo chiamerei un giallo, ma proprio un bel romanzo.
The plot is compelling, but it doesn't rely on trivial tricks to remain a mystery, so no plot twists or surprise revelations that are so American movie-like.
The characters unravel at a pace that always leaves us curious about what might happen without detracting from the facets of each character.
Underlying the crime, however, is a story that is told in all the complexity that is necessary without making it a simple scheme to bring the book to an end.
In short, I wouldn't call it a detective story, but really a good novel.
Questo libro é bello da talmente tanti punti di vista che non so nemmeno da dove cominciare.
La trama é avvincente, ma non si avvale di trucchetti banali per rimanere un mistero quasi fino alla fine, quindi nessun plot twist o rivelazione a sorpresa, che fa tanto film americano.
I personaggi si svelano con un ritmo che ci lascia sempre curiosi per cosa potrebbe succedere senza per questo sminuire le sfaccettature di ogni personaggio.
Alla base del crimine c'é comunque una storia che viene raccontata in tutta la complessità che é necessaria, senza farne un semplice schema per far finire il libro in qualche modo.
Insomma, non lo chiamerei un giallo, ma proprio un bel romanzo.
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August 8, 2025Не съм голям почитател на криминалния жанр, затова си подбирам заглавията много внимателно. Един прочит на задната корица на "Първа любов" от Рио Шимамото беше достатъчен, за да знам, че искам да прочета тази книга.
Канна Хиджириама е арестувана за жестокото убийство на баща си. С напълно отсъстващ поглед, тя заявява на полицията "Сами ще трябва да откриете мотива ми." С тези дръзки думи младото момиче предизвиква целия свят - системата, близките си, приятелите си, медиите и всички онези милиарди непознати хора, които ще следят процеса й пред екраните на телефоните и телевизорите си. Анотацията на книгата ясно очертава визията на това, което предстои - убийството е кърваво, жестоко, неочаквано, а убийцата в състояние подобно на кататония, безразлична към света и това, което е направила. Канна лежи в ареста и чака делото. Назначен й е служебен адвокат, а клиничният психолог Юки Макабе е поканена да беседва с обвиняемата, за да оцени психическото й и емоционално състояние и да напише книга за нейния случай. Мрачни тайни се крият в миналото й, тръпки полазват читателя още с първите страници.Но да ви призная това, което открих между кориците на тази книга се оказа много повече, от това, което анотацията може да загатне.
Вярвам, че всеки че открие нещо за себе си. Някои читатели ще се фокусират върху разкриването на голямата мистерия, други върху натрупването на емоционално напрежение между героите, което създава здрава и еластична мрежа от фино подредени събития. За някои вероятно образа на спокойната и красива оплискана с кръвта на собствения си баща Канна ще се запечата по-силно от всичко. А други ще открият не по-малко ярък персонаж в лицето на Юки. Рио Шимамото работи с ограничен набор от персонажи, но изгражда връзките между тях и времевите мостове между тяхното минало и настояще по изключителен начин, без да разтяга и раздърпва сюжета, типично по японски, без да губи времето на читателя - стегнато, силно и емоционално. Желязно изпълнение.
Това, което ще остави най-ярък спомен в мен за тази книга, е поредицата от малки на пръв поглед не особено важни или травмиращи събития в живота на Канна, които натрупвайки се през годините изкривяват живота и ума на момичето по начин, който ме кара да настръхна. Защо? Ще оставя на вас да разберете.
Всички персонажи в историята търсят отговор на големия въпрос - защо? Защо Канна е убила баща си? Какво се е случило? Какво е голямото събитие, което я е накарало да превърти така? И тук изключително много уважавам Рио Шимамото за избора си на мотив и обосноваване.
Ще ви кажа само, че макар и да са много различни, тази книга оставя в мен същото горчиво и едновременно с това мотивиращо усещане, което изпитах и след като прочетох "13 причини защо". Историите са много различни. Но и двете книги се фокусират върху това, колко крехко е детското и младежкото съзнание, колко лесно се манипулира, огъва, експлоатира, оформя и прекършва.
Не искам да рискувам и да издам повече необходимото, не искам да ви развалям възможността сами да преплувате тази история. Ще ви кажа само че тази книга е повече от мистериозна криминална история, Макар че носи в себе си всички елементи на добрия трилър, сигурна съм, че ще откриете в нея много повече от това.
Към блога
Apocalyptica - I'm Not Jesus ft. Corey Taylor
March 22, 2025
4.5 god this WAS AMAZING. soooooo much better than i thought and so refreshingly feminist!!!!! incredible!!!!
November 12, 2024
logiczne i może poprawne psychologicznie, ale zdania/obserwacje bohaterów czasami infantylnie proste i bardziej mnie interesował zmierzch-esque trójkąt miłosny 🤧
March 8, 2025
4.25 ⭐️ Really enjoyed this book!
July 22, 2026
i think we dont hate men enough
April 4, 2025
Picked this up without hearing anything about it but really enjoyed it! Different to anything I’ve read
January 23, 2022
┊ 你明白什麼是愛情嗎？我認為是尊重、尊敬與信賴。┊
又讀了一本一直在想讀清單上的書，覺得滿足٩꒰ ˘ ³˘꒱۶~♡
主角身為臨床心理師，因為寫書而拜訪了殺害了父親的年輕女子。她不是那種典型殺人的神經質類型，那她又為什麼會犯下這樣的罪行呢？
我喜歡書裡面描寫的那種心情，在進入青春期時有很多事情是自己不太明白的。因為原本都一直是個小孩，習慣了順從取悅大人，但另一方面開始發育的身體卻又跨在微妙的界線上。
因為還不夠成熟，身邊的大人們真的是很重要的存在。如果連個能夠信任、傾訴的人都沒有，是非常寂寞的也很可能會有不良的影響。
很喜歡這種寫實、稍微有點社會悲劇面的作品，但就整個故事而言，少了些我很期待的轉折。
又讀了一本一直在想讀清單上的書，覺得滿足٩꒰ ˘ ³˘꒱۶~♡
主角身為臨床心理師，因為寫書而拜訪了殺害了父親的年輕女子。她不是那種典型殺人的神經質類型，那她又為什麼會犯下這樣的罪行呢？
我喜歡書裡面描寫的那種心情，在進入青春期時有很多事情是自己不太明白的。因為原本都一直是個小孩，習慣了順從取悅大人，但另一方面開始發育的身體卻又跨在微妙的界線上。
因為還不夠成熟，身邊的大人們真的是很重要的存在。如果連個能夠信任、傾訴的人都沒有，是非常寂寞的也很可能會有不良的影響。
很喜歡這種寫實、稍微有點社會悲劇面的作品，但就整個故事而言，少了些我很期待的轉折。
July 2, 2025
Dark, disturbing, sad, and cruel—the only words I could muster after finishing this book. It left me devastated and hollow of how much it drained me. It starts with the murder of a painter, who was allegedly stabbed by his own daughter with an unclear motive.
- The maybe unreliable daughter? A possible pathological liar?
- Was it something the father did that made her want to do it?
- The mother immediately turned to the prosecution against her daughter.
A lot of these things added more confusion as the story progressed. But there was always a sense of dread, with dark and sinister vibes bursting from every page. The book was fascinating in its exploration of dark themes—sexual abuse, self-harm, pedophilia, and more—offering a harsh commentary on how society treats women and how parenting shapes children, often leaving deep, lasting trauma into adulthood. Reading through the perspective of a clinical psychologist is both exciting and difficult with how the book didn't sugarcoat things that happen or try to analyze the 'behind the scenes' of the daughter's life since she was a child up until the bloody incident.
The plots are both compelling and engaging. There's no dull moment at all, as it didn't waste much time on the investigation and revealing bits of the hint. The plot does not concern a trick to make the reader think there's going to be a grand plot twist, just to make the mystery and suspense remain. It was straightforward, and uncomfortable truths make me feel so uneasy to keep reading. I truly love how much care the author writes about the nature of trauma; it felt realistically layered—where good and bad are not as black and white as the justice system or society wants it to be. There's always more than meets the eye.
The revelation truly breaks my heart, especially when you read more of the daughter's confession; her confusion with how she thinks that the people who are leaving or mistreating her are all her fault. She is such a helpless girl, failed by the adults around her. First Love as the title, is truly fitting for the story, as it is not about romance or heartbreak—it's about something far more grotesque. For some reason, the story really reminds me of Natsuo Kirino's vibe (idk why) but probably because both authors excel in conveying the dark, disturbing book in an empathetic and compelling way. My first 5⭐️ of the month, and I highly recommend it if you enjoy reading Natsuo Kirino's works.
- The maybe unreliable daughter? A possible pathological liar?
- Was it something the father did that made her want to do it?
- The mother immediately turned to the prosecution against her daughter.
A lot of these things added more confusion as the story progressed. But there was always a sense of dread, with dark and sinister vibes bursting from every page. The book was fascinating in its exploration of dark themes—sexual abuse, self-harm, pedophilia, and more—offering a harsh commentary on how society treats women and how parenting shapes children, often leaving deep, lasting trauma into adulthood. Reading through the perspective of a clinical psychologist is both exciting and difficult with how the book didn't sugarcoat things that happen or try to analyze the 'behind the scenes' of the daughter's life since she was a child up until the bloody incident.
The plots are both compelling and engaging. There's no dull moment at all, as it didn't waste much time on the investigation and revealing bits of the hint. The plot does not concern a trick to make the reader think there's going to be a grand plot twist, just to make the mystery and suspense remain. It was straightforward, and uncomfortable truths make me feel so uneasy to keep reading. I truly love how much care the author writes about the nature of trauma; it felt realistically layered—where good and bad are not as black and white as the justice system or society wants it to be. There's always more than meets the eye.
The revelation truly breaks my heart, especially when you read more of the daughter's confession; her confusion with how she thinks that the people who are leaving or mistreating her are all her fault. She is such a helpless girl, failed by the adults around her. First Love as the title, is truly fitting for the story, as it is not about romance or heartbreak—it's about something far more grotesque. For some reason, the story really reminds me of Natsuo Kirino's vibe (idk why) but probably because both authors excel in conveying the dark, disturbing book in an empathetic and compelling way. My first 5⭐️ of the month, and I highly recommend it if you enjoy reading Natsuo Kirino's works.
May 9, 2026
كنت أتمشّى في فرع كينوكونيا في أوساكا أتصفّح الكتب أثناء تنزيلات الربيع السنوية.. لم يكن في بالي كتاب معيّن حتى لمحت هذا الكتاب بعنوان “الحب الأول”. تفحّصت اسم الكاتبة لأجده ريو شيماموتو، اسم لم أسمع به من قبل (جهلًا مني طبعًا). قرأت الصفحة الأولى ثم اكتشفت أن العمل يتحدث عن جريمة ترتكبها فتاة بحق أبيها، ولما تقبض عليها الشرطة تقول لهم: “ابحثوا عن دافع جريمتي بأنفسكم”. في وسط كل هذا تجد أخصائية نفسية ومحاميًا (يبدو أن بينهما ماضٍ معقد) انفسهما في قضية تخفي أكثر مما تُظهره
يوكي ماكابي: اخصائية نفسية تعيش في طوكيو برفقة زوجها و طفلها و على مدى صفحات الكتاب راح تمشي معها نحو احداث تتحدث عن تأثير صدمات الطفولة والاذى النفسي والجنسي و انعدام الامن و الامان على الطفل والانسان عمومًا، فكل هذه التراكمات حولت فتاة كانت الحياة وكل احتمالاتها امامها الى ركام والسؤال التي حاولت ريو طرحها من خلالها كان:
هل للأضرار السايكولوجية ثمن؟
الإجابة بالتأكيد نعم، لكن ثم ماذا؟ كيف نقيس وزن هذا الضرر وثقله؟ وإلى أي مدى يكون مسؤولية الفرد وأسرته والمجتمع عمومًا؟
طبعًا اسئلة لا اجابة موحدة لها لكن و ان كان العلاج معقد الا ان مشاركة هذه الاعباء النفسية مع من نحب او حتى غريب يجعل وقعها اخف
فلا شيء يخافه الانسان في قرارات نفسه اكثر من الوحدة، وحدة الشعور و التجربة التي لا تقل حدتها الا اذا اكتشف ان تجربته ليست حصرًا عليه وحده بل هي تجربة انسانية و شعور عام تختلف مسباباته وظروفه وحتى تأثيره لكن جذوره واحدة نقطعها اذا ما شاركناها من يفهمنا و مشيناها معًا
يوكي ماكابي: اخصائية نفسية تعيش في طوكيو برفقة زوجها و طفلها و على مدى صفحات الكتاب راح تمشي معها نحو احداث تتحدث عن تأثير صدمات الطفولة والاذى النفسي والجنسي و انعدام الامن و الامان على الطفل والانسان عمومًا، فكل هذه التراكمات حولت فتاة كانت الحياة وكل احتمالاتها امامها الى ركام والسؤال التي حاولت ريو طرحها من خلالها كان:
هل للأضرار السايكولوجية ثمن؟
الإجابة بالتأكيد نعم، لكن ثم ماذا؟ كيف نقيس وزن هذا الضرر وثقله؟ وإلى أي مدى يكون مسؤولية الفرد وأسرته والمجتمع عمومًا؟
طبعًا اسئلة لا اجابة موحدة لها لكن و ان كان العلاج معقد الا ان مشاركة هذه الاعباء النفسية مع من نحب او حتى غريب يجعل وقعها اخف
فلا شيء يخافه الانسان في قرارات نفسه اكثر من الوحدة، وحدة الشعور و التجربة التي لا تقل حدتها الا اذا اكتشف ان تجربته ليست حصرًا عليه وحده بل هي تجربة انسانية و شعور عام تختلف مسباباته وظروفه وحتى تأثيره لكن جذوره واحدة نقطعها اذا ما شاركناها من يفهمنا و مشيناها معًا
January 20, 2025
Surprisingly deeply moving.
Themes of trauma and abuse and how the affects are so profound that the mind can completely rewire and retell a story over and over. I really enjoyed the clinical phycologist’s perspective and the exploration of these themes through the different characters’ experiences. Proposing questions like, why can parents be so harmful and why do behavioural patterns repeat? Why don’t we choose to believe there’s always more to everything than what meets the eye?
Just as the nature of trauma is, it felt realistically layered - where good & bad isn’t as black and white as society wants it to be; and where attempting to find the root of something is more important and revolutionary than accepting the story only as it first appears.
Also - If you liked the idea of Butter by Asako Yuzuki but felt a disappointed and like it didn’t go as far as it could have- I feel this is a much much better version with so much more depth and thought around similar themes.
Themes of trauma and abuse and how the affects are so profound that the mind can completely rewire and retell a story over and over. I really enjoyed the clinical phycologist’s perspective and the exploration of these themes through the different characters’ experiences. Proposing questions like, why can parents be so harmful and why do behavioural patterns repeat? Why don’t we choose to believe there’s always more to everything than what meets the eye?
Just as the nature of trauma is, it felt realistically layered - where good & bad isn’t as black and white as society wants it to be; and where attempting to find the root of something is more important and revolutionary than accepting the story only as it first appears.
Also - If you liked the idea of Butter by Asako Yuzuki but felt a disappointed and like it didn’t go as far as it could have- I feel this is a much much better version with so much more depth and thought around similar themes.
February 9, 2025
- 3,8 Sterne -
Es geht um eine Psychotherapeutin in Tokyo, die eine des Patrizides Beschuldigte interviewt und versucht vor dem Beginn des Strafverfahrens ihr Motiv für die Tat zu finden.
Sehr solides Buch insgesamt. Zwar haben sich die Unterhaltungen teilweise etwas gestellt gelesen (das kann aber auch gut an der Übersetzung oder der japanischen Erzählweise, mit der ich nicht vertraut bin, liegen) und die Charakterentwicklung hätte an einigen Stellen noch weiter ausgearbeitet sein können. Aber der Plot ist super getimt und baut schnell Spannung auf. Außerdem ging es um spannende Themen, wie z.B. die problematische Objektivierung sehr junger Frauen / Mädchen in der japanischen Gesellschaft.
Es geht um eine Psychotherapeutin in Tokyo, die eine des Patrizides Beschuldigte interviewt und versucht vor dem Beginn des Strafverfahrens ihr Motiv für die Tat zu finden.
Sehr solides Buch insgesamt. Zwar haben sich die Unterhaltungen teilweise etwas gestellt gelesen (das kann aber auch gut an der Übersetzung oder der japanischen Erzählweise, mit der ich nicht vertraut bin, liegen) und die Charakterentwicklung hätte an einigen Stellen noch weiter ausgearbeitet sein können. Aber der Plot ist super getimt und baut schnell Spannung auf. Außerdem ging es um spannende Themen, wie z.B. die problematische Objektivierung sehr junger Frauen / Mädchen in der japanischen Gesellschaft.
April 5, 2025
You are led by Yuki through the enticing task of uncovering Kanna’s history leading up to the death of her father. The narration was sleek, each bit of information shared at the right time and in the right amount to build a tragic story about the objectification of women, childhood abuse and trauma.
While determinedly trying to piece together the truth of Kannas story, you become engrossed by Yuki’s own background and character. Respectively, both characters stories are uncovered in equally compelling and empathetic ways. While Kanna’s might be more investigative, you could say Yuki’s is more one of self discovery. Both leading to some sense of acceptance, whether that is with themselves or externally.
I sometimes find it tricky with books like this which have many characters popping in and out, trying to convey different points of view on already complex themes. However, this book does it perfectly and each characters perspective is well illustrated, whether you agree with it or not. While grappling with sensitive topics like sexual, violent, and psychological abuse, it is written smoothly and with care.
While determinedly trying to piece together the truth of Kannas story, you become engrossed by Yuki’s own background and character. Respectively, both characters stories are uncovered in equally compelling and empathetic ways. While Kanna’s might be more investigative, you could say Yuki’s is more one of self discovery. Both leading to some sense of acceptance, whether that is with themselves or externally.
I sometimes find it tricky with books like this which have many characters popping in and out, trying to convey different points of view on already complex themes. However, this book does it perfectly and each characters perspective is well illustrated, whether you agree with it or not. While grappling with sensitive topics like sexual, violent, and psychological abuse, it is written smoothly and with care.
December 4, 2024
I will only ever take recommendations from small independent book shops from now on. Walked into this tiny place, said I wanted foreign thriller and boy did they deliver. I haven’t felt so wrapped up in a book in AGES. on my commute to and from work, on my lunch break, I couldn’t put this down. The translation flows so well and although the story felt like it could’ve dragged, I was always eager to find out more. The last act (the trial) seemed to reveal a lot of information all at once but I’m not that mad! Hoping that more of Shimamoto’s work has been translated because oh my god I need more.
July 20, 2025
Recently, have had so many DNF reads, and I stumbled on this book in a little shop.
It’s incredible. Touches on so many important topics, but with so much care and consideration.
The translation is also brilliant - really captures Japan and retains such gorgeous prose.
Does have a couple of triggers, so definitely worth double checking before you read.
It’s incredible. Touches on so many important topics, but with so much care and consideration.
The translation is also brilliant - really captures Japan and retains such gorgeous prose.
Does have a couple of triggers, so definitely worth double checking before you read.
May 23, 2025
This book took a psychological perspective in an attempt to understand what lead a young girl to kill her father. It tracked through her relationships with mainly the adults in her life, each one affecting her mind and life choices. This was a thought provoking, sad and impactful book, showing the effects of unacknowledged trauma and the lack of freedom.
August 1, 2026
Was really good, one of my favourites now. What a book. Very thrilling and I enjoyed reading and learning about small details about all the characters. I wish it was more pages. I hate people, trash. None of them got what they deserved, should be in jail. I love cervina
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 6, 2025
light and fluffy
September 29, 2025
I can feel the emotions of every character, it was very powerfull. 5/5⭐️⭐️
August 16, 2022
この夏２冊目の島本理生。7月に読んだ『あられもない祈り』がちょっと残念だったからこんなすぐ島本理生のもの、しかも直木賞を取って映画化までされた話題作を読むつもりはなかったんだけど、読んでいた本も読み終わりそうだったしちょうどいいかなと思って読んだ。
正直、う〜ん…という感じだった。この作家さんのものにしては珍しく結構スラスラ読めてしまって、ミステリー要素が新鮮で前半は純粋に面白く読んでいたんだけど、裁判に入ってからあまりに簡単に終わってしまった感じがした。ハッピーエンドは大好きだけど、今回に関してはまず裁判が現実離れしていそうなくらい早く終わってしまったし（私が『白い巨塔』の数巻に及ぶ裁判シーンに慣れてしまったからかもしれない）、いくらアナウンサー志望だったとはいえ、あれだけ不安定だった環菜が裁判になると突然人が変わったようにスラスラ証言できていたのも納得がいかなかったし、由紀と迦葉の関係性についても、なんだかあっさり解決してしまったような印象を受けた。これは映画化しやすいよなと思ったくらい、解説の方にもあったように、この小説は以前と比べだいぶ大衆向けに書かれたような気がする。もちろん大衆向け小説が悪いわけじゃないけど、『ナラタージュ』で島本理生の作品入りした私としては大衆向けに書くことがメインになってしまい、『ナラタージュ』での良さが薄らいでしまったのかな…と思った。（直木賞受賞後の作者のインタビューを読む前に見て、受賞した時の気持ちについて答えた時の 「やっとという感じ」みたいな言葉がちょっと引っかかっていたのかもしれない）
書き方のスタイルに関して残念だったもう一つのことは、今回は圧倒的に会話文が多かったということだ。『Nのために』のように、事件や犯人に関わりのある人物を順番にインタビューしながら真実の解明をする、という形式だった上に環菜やその周りの人間の手紙が出てきたり、最後には裁判もあったりしたので会話文が多くなってしまうのは仕方ないけれど、これもまた私が読んだことのある島本理生さんの前の作品ではたくさんあった繊細で美しい描写が少なかった。作者がインタビューでも言っていたように今回は裁判だったり心理学的な要素だったり新しい試みをした小説で、今までの作品と比べてしまうのはフェアじゃないのかもしれないけど…やっぱりちょっと残念だった。
でも多分一番の違和感は、結局主題はなんだったのかっていうことが最後わからなくなってしまったこと。環菜のこころの中の追究も裁判が始まってしまったことによって途中で遮られてしまうし、さっきも書いたけど由紀と迦葉の関係ももっと掘り下げてほしいところを、思いの外簡単に和解してしまうし、最後の結婚式での由紀と我聞のやり取りも無理やり主人公らの三角関係に終止符をうつように付け加えられた感じがした。わからなくなった、というのはずるく、嘘かもしれない。わからなくなったというより私が途中でわかろうとするのを投げ出してしまったのかもしれない。それにしても余白部分が多すぎて、読者の想像力に頼りすぎているんじゃないかななんて、意地悪なことを言って見る。何巻になってもいいから、もっと深く一つ一つを掘り下げて欲しかった、もっと彼らのことを知りたかった。特に主人公クラスの由紀と迦葉！！！中盤で回想に入るまで散々匂わせておいてエンディングこれ？！っていう感じだった。ほんで『ファーストラヴ』ってタイトルは何〜！？
…と読了直後の興奮が冷めぬまま思うことを一気に吐き出してしまったけれど、解説の朝井リョウが言うように、我々読者はもっとその描かれなかった余白部分、自分と彼らとのギャップを想像力で埋める作業をもっとしないといけないと思う。読書の醍醐味はこういうところにあるんだから。
（とはいえ、想像力を働かせることと、わからないことをさもわかるかのように話すことは別物だと思う。だから私は理解しようとする努力はできても、環菜の傷も由紀や迦葉の境遇にも完全に共感することはできない。）
想像力とか感情移入とかとはほぼ無関係（かもしれない）な私の感想を書いていく。
多分この小説の中で私が一番好きなのは迦葉が由紀と我聞の結婚式で、由紀に椿を贈ったシーンだ。きっとそこまで意味はないだろうと分かっていながら、今さっと椿の花言葉を検索すると出てくるのは、「控えめな素晴らしさ」「気取らない優美さ」に並び、「罪を犯す女」「裏切り」なんかもあった。花言葉なんてデタラメだろうと思いつつ、こうやって検索すると由紀と彼女と迦葉の関係と重ねてしまう。
自分も付き合う女性もなぜか大切にできない、どこか危なげで繊細な青年っていうのは『ナラタージュ』でも『あられもない祈り』でも出てきていて、島本理生の作品のもはやお約束みたいな存在なのかもしれない。そして何を隠そう、私はこういう不器用だけど魅力的なキャラクターが大好きなのだ。決して彼らの全てを擁護できるわけじゃない。だけど表面上の、チャラいともいえる軽さと頭の良さとルックスに覆われ隠された、傷を負った孤独な小さな少年が時折顔を覗かせる迦葉はなんだか読んでいて…かわいそうだった。他の色んな形容詞を考えたんだけど、例えば愛しいとかさみしいとか、でも「かわいそう」が一番しっくりくるかも。この言葉を使うとどうしても同情するだけして突き放す感じがするからあまり好きじゃないけど、他にどう表現するのが正確だろう。由紀と二人きりになった時にはよくその迦葉の中の少年が顔を出すけど、結婚式で椿の枝を折って渡すシーンで初めてみた気がする。頭の中で映像化しやすかった、っていうのもあるかもしれない。由紀の纏う白無垢に神社の殺風景な中庭をバックに映える椿の真っ赤な花。自分の片割れ、分身のような由紀が色んな意味で自分を越して行ってしまったこと、そんな由紀が愛する心優しい兄と結ばれたことへの寂しさ、悲しさ、怒り、あるいは祝福…そこにどの感情が当てはまるのかはわからないけど、きっとこの全てがぐちゃぐちゃに混ざっていたんだと思う。
分身といえば、これもまた『ナラタージュ』『あられもない祈り』でもあった、女と男が合わさってようやく一つになる、という構造が今作でも由紀と迦葉、そして由紀と我聞にもみて取れると思う（特に由紀と迦葉ペア）。Gravityで一緒に議論した、島本理生ファンの花さんは言っていた、島本理生の作品に限らず小説や漫画なんかではよく「人間の中に同時にある相反するものを別々の人格で表現」していて、「そういう独立したキャラクター同士の和解とか統合はある種の癒しになる」と。本当に同感。これは私の勝手な印象なんだけど、『ナラタージュ』しかり『あられもない祈り』しかり、島本理生の男女ペアはいつも絶望感の漂う感じがする。切っても切り離せない、いないと息ができなくなってしまうような泉と葉山先生、「私」と「あなた」（あるいは泉と小野くん、「私」と直樹）はそれぞれまさにお互いがお互いを補う存在であり、それは時に恋愛感情をも越えるものだったと思う。だから彼らは片割れを失って以降は、抜け殻のようになってしまう。由紀と迦葉も似たような感じで、この二人だけでなく我聞さんでさえ言うように、由紀と迦葉は重なる部分が多く、恋愛で繋がっているというよりも、比喩的な意味で双子のような関係で繋がっていて、そこに亀裂が入ってしまった途端に共倒れする。だけどこの作品が新鮮だったのは、このメインの二人が傷つけあいそれぞれが抱える闇のぬかるみにさらにはまっていってボロボロになって終わるのではなく、「振り切る」「逃げ切る」ことができたことだ。悲壮感漂う物語も嫌いじゃないけど、今回のようなトンネルの向こう側に光が見えているようなものも好きだ。これはもしかするとこの三角関係中ではある意味、成長途中の傷を負った双子を見守る、寛大で包容力のある父親的な役割を我聞が背負っていたから可能だったのかもしれない。
父親殺しについて。ハムレット、田村カフカ、ハリーポッター…考え出すとキリがないくらい父親殺しをテーマにした作品は多い。今作も含め、父親殺しがテーマといっても、実際父親を殺すだけでなく、家父長制(patriarchy)への下克上、自分を押しつぶそうとする自分より大きく恐ろしい何かへの反逆と復讐などまで描かれていることが多い。『ファーストラヴ』では性的虐待を織り込むことによって（私が思いつく限りでは）なかなか珍しい女性による父親殺しを描いていて興味深かった。最後の環菜の長い呪縛から解放されたような様子も納得。
迦葉の中に小さな孤独な少年を見た、って書いたけど、形姿は違えど、そういう弱く小さな存在は迦葉やそのほかの登場人物に限らず、誰しも内に秘めていると思う。私たちの誰もがいつもは隠しているだけで、何かしらの傷やトラウマを負っていて、小さな子供のように無償の愛情や孤独から救ってくれる繋がりを求めている。それと運よく上手に付き合っていける人もいれば、なんとかそれを整理して這いつくばっていける人もいれば、環菜の母親のように一生その存在を認められず、正面から向き合えない人もいる。この小説はその人の一番奥底にいる子供に目を向け、存在を認め、声を聞いてあげようとしているんだと思う。なんかめっちゃ幼稚な表現になってしまったけど。なんとなく、花嫁に一番好きな花を贈っていた迦葉は、大人になった迦葉ではなく、前を向いて歩き出したもう一人の自分の旅立ちへの餞（はなむけ）をする、迦葉の中の小さな少年だったように思う。
タイトルの 『ファーストラヴ』（初恋）が誰の初恋を指しているのか、そもそも「初めての恋」という意味なのか、self loveのことなのか、初めて触れた愛の形、という意味でのものなのかはわからない。映画ポスターの「触れてはいけない、閉じ込めた愛の記憶」っていうのもなんかしっくりこない。筆者は直木賞受賞のインタビューではこのタイトルをつけた理由として、小説の中での違和感のある「初恋」を通して読者に自分の初恋について考えを巡らせるきっかけになればいい、というようなことを言っていた。ふと我聞の「一目惚れだった」という言葉を思い出す。愛情だと思っていたのがそうじゃなかった、愛したかったのに愛せなかった、最初はわからなかったけど愛情になった…そういう「愛」というものの難解さと紆余曲折さ（間違った使い方かも笑）を表しているのかもしれない。私自身、まだそれが一体どういうものなのかいまいち掴めていない。
改めて思い返しても、正直まだめちゃくちゃ良かった〜とはならない。島本理生ならやっぱり今でも『ナラタージュ』が一番好きだ。でも迦葉の椿のシーンを読み返すためだけに再読するかも。
正直、う〜ん…という感じだった。この作家さんのものにしては珍しく結構スラスラ読めてしまって、ミステリー要素が新鮮で前半は純粋に面白く読んでいたんだけど、裁判に入ってからあまりに簡単に終わってしまった感じがした。ハッピーエンドは大好きだけど、今回に関してはまず裁判が現実離れしていそうなくらい早く終わってしまったし（私が『白い巨塔』の数巻に及ぶ裁判シーンに慣れてしまったからかもしれない）、いくらアナウンサー志望だったとはいえ、あれだけ不安定だった環菜が裁判になると突然人が変わったようにスラスラ証言できていたのも納得がいかなかったし、由紀と迦葉の関係性についても、なんだかあっさり解決してしまったような印象を受けた。これは映画化しやすいよなと思ったくらい、解説の方にもあったように、この小説は以前と比べだいぶ大衆向けに書かれたような気がする。もちろん大衆向け小説が悪いわけじゃないけど、『ナラタージュ』で島本理生の作品入りした私としては大衆向けに書くことがメインになってしまい、『ナラタージュ』での良さが薄らいでしまったのかな…と思った。（直木賞受賞後の作者のインタビューを読む前に見て、受賞した時の気持ちについて答えた時の 「やっとという感じ」みたいな言葉がちょっと引っかかっていたのかもしれない）
書き方のスタイルに関して残念だったもう一つのことは、今回は圧倒的に会話文が多かったということだ。『Nのために』のように、事件や犯人に関わりのある人物を順番にインタビューしながら真実の解明をする、という形式だった上に環菜やその周りの人間の手紙が出てきたり、最後には裁判もあったりしたので会話文が多くなってしまうのは仕方ないけれど、これもまた私が読んだことのある島本理生さんの前の作品ではたくさんあった繊細で美しい描写が少なかった。作者がインタビューでも言っていたように今回は裁判だったり心理学的な要素だったり新しい試みをした小説で、今までの作品と比べてしまうのはフェアじゃないのかもしれないけど…やっぱりちょっと残念だった。
でも多分一番の違和感は、結局主題はなんだったのかっていうことが最後わからなくなってしまったこと。環菜のこころの中の追究も裁判が始まってしまったことによって途中で遮られてしまうし、さっきも書いたけど由紀と迦葉の関係ももっと掘り下げてほしいところを、思いの外簡単に和解してしまうし、最後の結婚式での由紀と我聞のやり取りも無理やり主人公らの三角関係に終止符をうつように付け加えられた感じがした。わからなくなった、というのはずるく、嘘かもしれない。わからなくなったというより私が途中でわかろうとするのを投げ出してしまったのかもしれない。それにしても余白部分が多すぎて、読者の想像力に頼りすぎているんじゃないかななんて、意地悪なことを言って見る。何巻になってもいいから、もっと深く一つ一つを掘り下げて欲しかった、もっと彼らのことを知りたかった。特に主人公クラスの由紀と迦葉！！！中盤で回想に入るまで散々匂わせておいてエンディングこれ？！っていう感じだった。ほんで『ファーストラヴ』ってタイトルは何〜！？
…と読了直後の興奮が冷めぬまま思うことを一気に吐き出してしまったけれど、解説の朝井リョウが言うように、我々読者はもっとその描かれなかった余白部分、自分と彼らとのギャップを想像力で埋める作業をもっとしないといけないと思う。読書の醍醐味はこういうところにあるんだから。
（とはいえ、想像力を働かせることと、わからないことをさもわかるかのように話すことは別物だと思う。だから私は理解しようとする努力はできても、環菜の傷も由紀や迦葉の境遇にも完全に共感することはできない。）
想像力とか感情移入とかとはほぼ無関係（かもしれない）な私の感想を書いていく。
多分この小説の中で私が一番好きなのは迦葉が由紀と我聞の結婚式で、由紀に椿を贈ったシーンだ。きっとそこまで意味はないだろうと分かっていながら、今さっと椿の花言葉を検索すると出てくるのは、「控えめな素晴らしさ」「気取らない優美さ」に並び、「罪を犯す女」「裏切り」なんかもあった。花言葉なんてデタラメだろうと思いつつ、こうやって検索すると由紀と彼女と迦葉の関係と重ねてしまう。
自分も付き合う女性もなぜか大切にできない、どこか危なげで繊細な青年っていうのは『ナラタージュ』でも『あられもない祈り』でも出てきていて、島本理生の作品のもはやお約束みたいな存在なのかもしれない。そして何を隠そう、私はこういう不器用だけど魅力的なキャラクターが大好きなのだ。決して彼らの全てを擁護できるわけじゃない。だけど表面上の、チャラいともいえる軽さと頭の良さとルックスに覆われ隠された、傷を負った孤独な小さな少年が時折顔を覗かせる迦葉はなんだか読んでいて…かわいそうだった。他の色んな形容詞を考えたんだけど、例えば愛しいとかさみしいとか、でも「かわいそう」が一番しっくりくるかも。この言葉を使うとどうしても同情するだけして突き放す感じがするからあまり好きじゃないけど、他にどう表現するのが正確だろう。由紀と二人きりになった時にはよくその迦葉の中の少年が顔を出すけど、結婚式で椿の枝を折って渡すシーンで初めてみた気がする。頭の中で映像化しやすかった、っていうのもあるかもしれない。由紀の纏う白無垢に神社の殺風景な中庭をバックに映える椿の真っ赤な花。自分の片割れ、分身のような由紀が色んな意味で自分を越して行ってしまったこと、そんな由紀が愛する心優しい兄と結ばれたことへの寂しさ、悲しさ、怒り、あるいは祝福…そこにどの感情が当てはまるのかはわからないけど、きっとこの全てがぐちゃぐちゃに混ざっていたんだと思う。
分身といえば、これもまた『ナラタージュ』『あられもない祈り』でもあった、女と男が合わさってようやく一つになる、という構造が今作でも由紀と迦葉、そして由紀と我聞にもみて取れると思う（特に由紀と迦葉ペア）。Gravityで一緒に議論した、島本理生ファンの花さんは言っていた、島本理生の作品に限らず小説や漫画なんかではよく「人間の中に同時にある相反するものを別々の人格で表現」していて、「そういう独立したキャラクター同士の和解とか統合はある種の癒しになる」と。本当に同感。これは私の勝手な印象なんだけど、『ナラタージュ』しかり『あられもない祈り』しかり、島本理生の男女ペアはいつも絶望感の漂う感じがする。切っても切り離せない、いないと息ができなくなってしまうような泉と葉山先生、「私」と「あなた」（あるいは泉と小野くん、「私」と直樹）はそれぞれまさにお互いがお互いを補う存在であり、それは時に恋愛感情をも越えるものだったと思う。だから彼らは片割れを失って以降は、抜け殻のようになってしまう。由紀と迦葉も似たような感じで、この二人だけでなく我聞さんでさえ言うように、由紀と迦葉は重なる部分が多く、恋愛で繋がっているというよりも、比喩的な意味で双子のような関係で繋がっていて、そこに亀裂が入ってしまった途端に共倒れする。だけどこの作品が新鮮だったのは、このメインの二人が傷つけあいそれぞれが抱える闇のぬかるみにさらにはまっていってボロボロになって終わるのではなく、「振り切る」「逃げ切る」ことができたことだ。悲壮感漂う物語も嫌いじゃないけど、今回のようなトンネルの向こう側に光が見えているようなものも好きだ。これはもしかするとこの三角関係中ではある意味、成長途中の傷を負った双子を見守る、寛大で包容力のある父親的な役割を我聞が背負っていたから可能だったのかもしれない。
父親殺しについて。ハムレット、田村カフカ、ハリーポッター…考え出すとキリがないくらい父親殺しをテーマにした作品は多い。今作も含め、父親殺しがテーマといっても、実際父親を殺すだけでなく、家父長制(patriarchy)への下克上、自分を押しつぶそうとする自分より大きく恐ろしい何かへの反逆と復讐などまで描かれていることが多い。『ファーストラヴ』では性的虐待を織り込むことによって（私が思いつく限りでは）なかなか珍しい女性による父親殺しを描いていて興味深かった。最後の環菜の長い呪縛から解放されたような様子も納得。
迦葉の中に小さな孤独な少年を見た、って書いたけど、形姿は違えど、そういう弱く小さな存在は迦葉やそのほかの登場人物に限らず、誰しも内に秘めていると思う。私たちの誰もがいつもは隠しているだけで、何かしらの傷やトラウマを負っていて、小さな子供のように無償の愛情や孤独から救ってくれる繋がりを求めている。それと運よく上手に付き合っていける人もいれば、なんとかそれを整理して這いつくばっていける人もいれば、環菜の母親のように一生その存在を認められず、正面から向き合えない人もいる。この小説はその人の一番奥底にいる子供に目を向け、存在を認め、声を聞いてあげようとしているんだと思う。なんかめっちゃ幼稚な表現になってしまったけど。なんとなく、花嫁に一番好きな花を贈っていた迦葉は、大人になった迦葉ではなく、前を向いて歩き出したもう一人の自分の旅立ちへの餞（はなむけ）をする、迦葉の中の小さな少年だったように思う。
タイトルの 『ファーストラヴ』（初恋）が誰の初恋を指しているのか、そもそも「初めての恋」という意味なのか、self loveのことなのか、初めて触れた愛の形、という意味でのものなのかはわからない。映画ポスターの「触れてはいけない、閉じ込めた愛の記憶」っていうのもなんかしっくりこない。筆者は直木賞受賞のインタビューではこのタイトルをつけた理由として、小説の中での違和感のある「初恋」を通して読者に自分の初恋について考えを巡らせるきっかけになればいい、というようなことを言っていた。ふと我聞の「一目惚れだった」という言葉を思い出す。愛情だと思っていたのがそうじゃなかった、愛したかったのに愛せなかった、最初はわからなかったけど愛情になった…そういう「愛」というものの難解さと紆余曲折さ（間違った使い方かも笑）を表しているのかもしれない。私自身、まだそれが一体どういうものなのかいまいち掴めていない。
改めて思い返しても、正直まだめちゃくちゃ良かった〜とはならない。島本理生ならやっぱり今でも『ナラタージュ』が一番好きだ。でも迦葉の椿のシーンを読み返すためだけに再読するかも。
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