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Spiritual friendship
English (translation)Original Latin
144 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1974
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983 people want to read
About the author
Aelred of Rievaulx
42 books16 followersAelred of Rievaulx (Latin: Aelredus Riaevallensis); also Ailred, Ælred, and Æthelred; (1110 – 12 January 1167) was an English Cistercian monk, abbot of Rievaulx from 1147 until his death, and known as a writer. He is regarded by Anglicans, Catholics, and other Christians as a saint.
Aelred was born in Hexham, Northumbria, in 1110, one of three sons of Eilaf, priest of St Andrew's at Hexham, himself a son of another Eilaf, treasurer of Durham.
Aelred spent several years at the court of King David I of Scotland in Roxburgh, possibly from the age of 14, rising to the rank of echonomus (often translated "steward" or "Master of the Household") before leaving the court at age twenty-four (in 1134) to enter the Cistercian abbey of Rievaulx in Yorkshire. He may have been partially educated by Lawrence of Durham, who sent him a hagiography of Saint Brigid.
From 1142 – 1143, Aelred served as novice master at Rievaulx. of a new daughter house of Rievaulx at Revesby in Lincolnshire. In 1147, he was elected abbot of Rievaulx itself, a position he was to hold until his death. Under his administration, the abbey is said to have grown to some 140 monks and 500 conversi and laymen.
Aelred was born in Hexham, Northumbria, in 1110, one of three sons of Eilaf, priest of St Andrew's at Hexham, himself a son of another Eilaf, treasurer of Durham.
Aelred spent several years at the court of King David I of Scotland in Roxburgh, possibly from the age of 14, rising to the rank of echonomus (often translated "steward" or "Master of the Household") before leaving the court at age twenty-four (in 1134) to enter the Cistercian abbey of Rievaulx in Yorkshire. He may have been partially educated by Lawrence of Durham, who sent him a hagiography of Saint Brigid.
From 1142 – 1143, Aelred served as novice master at Rievaulx. of a new daughter house of Rievaulx at Revesby in Lincolnshire. In 1147, he was elected abbot of Rievaulx itself, a position he was to hold until his death. Under his administration, the abbey is said to have grown to some 140 monks and 500 conversi and laymen.
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July 23, 2016
This short book was written in the form of a dialog between the author, Aelred (1110-1167), who was the abbot of the monastery at Rievaulx in Yorkshire, and a few of his monks. Aelred answers their questions about the nature of friendship--its benefits and pitfalls and how it is to be cultivated. The work is divided into three short “books”, the first of which was written ca. 1140 and the latter two in the few years before Aelred’s death.
Douglass Roby provides a splendid introduction to Aelred's Spiritual Friendship, providing details of Aelred's life and placing this work in the context of its time. He provides a thorough yet succinct summary of Aelred's philosophy of friendship, as it relates to his more general philosophy of love, which is expounded in Mirror of Charity, written earlier in Aelred’s life.
For Aelred, friendship is a specific case of the more general phenomenon of love. Christians are commanded to love all people, but friendship is a special form of love in which we naturally enjoy someone's company. According to Aelred, "the fountain and source of friendship is love. There can be love without friendship, but friendship without love is impossible" (Book 3:2). Love may proceed from reason alone (as when we love our enemies) or from affection alone, and sometimes from both simultaneously, "when he, whom reason urges should be loved because of the excellence of his virtue, steals into the soul of another by the mildness of his character and the charm of a praiseworthy life. In this way, reason unites with affection so that love is pure because of reason and sweet because of affection."
The 6th C. monastic Rule of St. Benedict had a rather cool view toward particular friendships because of their potential to introduce favoritism, jealousies and divisiveness into the community of monks. Aelred, while cognizant of the need to be watchful for and vigilant against the potential dangers, nonetheless maintained that true friendship is a virtue that is not only worth pursuing but is positively necessary for one to be truly human: "Scarcely any happiness whatever can exist among mankind without friendship, and a man is to be compared to a beast if he has no one to rejoice with him in adversity, no one to whom to unburden his mind if any annoyance crosses his path or with whom to share some unusually sublime or illuminating inspiration. ... But what happiness, what security, what joy to have someone to whom you dare to speak on terms of equality as to another self; one to whom you need have no fear to confess your failings; one to whom you can unblushingly make known what progress you have made in the spiritual life; one to whom you can entrust all the secrets of your heart and before whom you can place all your plans! What therefore is more pleasant than to unite oneself to the spirit of another and the two to form one ... 'A friend' says the wise man (Sirach 6:16)'is the medicine of life.' ... as the apostle says ‘shoulder to shoulder they bear one another's burdens’ (Galatians 6:2)" (Book 2:10-13).
Cicero's De Amicitia clearly had a major impact on Aelred's thinking about friendship, and he quotes Cicero liberally in Spiritual Friendship. However, he also differs from Cicero on some points, and a distinctly Christian perspective permeates Aelred's philosophy of friendship. He insists that friendship springs directly from God, allowing one of Aelred's interlocutors in the dialog to propose the formula "God is friendship."
Whereas Cicero saw friendship as amoral--neither good nor bad--Aelred treats friendship as a virtue. Cicero struggled with the limits of friendship--how far should one go for the sake of friend? Should one commit sin for the benefit of a friend? For Aelred there is no limit to friendship. We are called by Christ to lay down our life for our friends. The decision of whether or not to do wrong for the sake of a friend is almost a non-issue for Aelred: "For that love is shameful and unworthy of the name of friendship where anything foul is demanded of a friend" (Book 2:39), and "any action should be denied a friend which brings about the death of the soul, that is sin" (Book 2:69). As Douglass Roby summarizes: "It is thus impossible to prefer a friend to morality; as soon as morality is damaged, friendship vanishes." This leads to Aelred's assertion that true friendship is possible only between those who share a desire for good: "For as long as anyone delights in an evil thing from desire of evil, as long as sensuality is more gratifying than purity, indiscretion than moderation, flattery than correction, how can it be right for such a one to even aspire to friendship, when it springs from an esteem for virtue?" (Book 2:38).
Aelred notes that we use the term "friendship" for all sorts of relationships that do not meet the demands of true friendship. He takes Cicero's definition of friendship as "agreement on matters human and divine with charity and goodwill", and makes a distinction between true friendships, which are based on true love--a combination of both charity and goodwill--versus false friendships, which are based on imperfect or corrupt love--love that is lacking in the combination of both charity and goodwill. As Roby points out, Aelred (perhaps differently than Cicero intended) uses the term "good will" for "a rational and voluntary choice to benefit someone", and he uses the term "charity" to mean "the enjoyment of our natural affection toward someone."
Aelred thus distinguishes two types of false friendships: (1) those for carnal pleasure, which exhibit the charity of natural affection but offend against "good will" and (2) those for material gain, which exhibit the rational choice necessary for good will but offend against charity "by simulating an affection towards a person which is really felt only towards his goods." In true friendship "there is nothing dishonorable, nothing deceptive, nothing feigned; whatever there is, is holy, voluntary and true" (Book 2:18).
Yet Aelred allows that even false friendships have a certain value and may have the potential to develop into true friendships: "True friendship advances by perfecting itself, and the fruit is derived from feeling the sweetness of that perfection" (Book 1:46). According to Aelred, even a true, spiritual friendship requires careful tending to weed out seeds of corruption that might degrade the goodness of love into mere cupidity. It is cupidity that can breed jealousies, factions and divisiveness, whereas "true love builds up the community and can only serve to unify, not to tear apart" (Roby, p. 21). In terms cultivating true friendship, Aelred advises "the beginnings of spiritual friendship ought to possess, first of all, purity of intention, the direction of reason and the restraint of moderation" (Book 2:59). Despite all challenges, the rewards of true friendship are worth the effort. "Even though the affections are difficult to control, this virtue, like all Christian virtues, is available to anyone who humbly seeks it. To renounce friendship as too difficult is not only to renounce virtue, but even true humanity" (Roby, p. 25).
Aelred’s Spiritual Friendship continues with advice for testing potential friends and gradually admitting them into one’s trust, and with reflections on the things that can injure friendship. It concludes with an autobiographical description of the two deepest friendships of Aelred’s life.
All in all, I think this work is a gift to humanity. In our day, or at least in my life, true friendship seems to be rare and undervalued. I recall a number of years ago being asked to be a guest speaker at a conference for 6th grade girls about women in science. During the lunch break, the facilitator instructed the girls that now was the time for “networking”. She winked at the girls, smiling at the clever way in which ordinary socializing could be made to seem more valuable and important by calling it networking. This almost made me gag. What have we come to if friendship (or even mere socializing) is not considered valuable in and of itself? Do we really imagine that networking can replace friendship? Networking seems like the perfect example of Aelred’s second type of false friendship—friendship for material gain or other form of advancement. I suppose that at least we are being honest to not even pretend that networking is a form of friendship, but I worry about promulgating the perception that true friendship is not a necessary ingredient of a happy life.
Until fairly recently, the only true friends I had were those relationships that I formed in graduate school. The demands of life as a new faculty member left little time for friendship, and the fact that the decision about my tenure would be largely in the hands of my peers, made it difficult for me to really open up to my colleagues. At the same time, I felt I had little in common with the Christians that I met at church. I had only colleagues whom I needed to please in order to gain their approval, and acquaintances whom I tried to love, but without much natural affection or connection. It took me a long time to realize that my heart longed for something more—for that true friendship that Aelred describes. Without it, we risk the danger of becoming mere automatons, networking our way through life in order to accomplish the tasks on our “to do” lists.
Douglass Roby provides a splendid introduction to Aelred's Spiritual Friendship, providing details of Aelred's life and placing this work in the context of its time. He provides a thorough yet succinct summary of Aelred's philosophy of friendship, as it relates to his more general philosophy of love, which is expounded in Mirror of Charity, written earlier in Aelred’s life.
For Aelred, friendship is a specific case of the more general phenomenon of love. Christians are commanded to love all people, but friendship is a special form of love in which we naturally enjoy someone's company. According to Aelred, "the fountain and source of friendship is love. There can be love without friendship, but friendship without love is impossible" (Book 3:2). Love may proceed from reason alone (as when we love our enemies) or from affection alone, and sometimes from both simultaneously, "when he, whom reason urges should be loved because of the excellence of his virtue, steals into the soul of another by the mildness of his character and the charm of a praiseworthy life. In this way, reason unites with affection so that love is pure because of reason and sweet because of affection."
The 6th C. monastic Rule of St. Benedict had a rather cool view toward particular friendships because of their potential to introduce favoritism, jealousies and divisiveness into the community of monks. Aelred, while cognizant of the need to be watchful for and vigilant against the potential dangers, nonetheless maintained that true friendship is a virtue that is not only worth pursuing but is positively necessary for one to be truly human: "Scarcely any happiness whatever can exist among mankind without friendship, and a man is to be compared to a beast if he has no one to rejoice with him in adversity, no one to whom to unburden his mind if any annoyance crosses his path or with whom to share some unusually sublime or illuminating inspiration. ... But what happiness, what security, what joy to have someone to whom you dare to speak on terms of equality as to another self; one to whom you need have no fear to confess your failings; one to whom you can unblushingly make known what progress you have made in the spiritual life; one to whom you can entrust all the secrets of your heart and before whom you can place all your plans! What therefore is more pleasant than to unite oneself to the spirit of another and the two to form one ... 'A friend' says the wise man (Sirach 6:16)'is the medicine of life.' ... as the apostle says ‘shoulder to shoulder they bear one another's burdens’ (Galatians 6:2)" (Book 2:10-13).
Cicero's De Amicitia clearly had a major impact on Aelred's thinking about friendship, and he quotes Cicero liberally in Spiritual Friendship. However, he also differs from Cicero on some points, and a distinctly Christian perspective permeates Aelred's philosophy of friendship. He insists that friendship springs directly from God, allowing one of Aelred's interlocutors in the dialog to propose the formula "God is friendship."
Whereas Cicero saw friendship as amoral--neither good nor bad--Aelred treats friendship as a virtue. Cicero struggled with the limits of friendship--how far should one go for the sake of friend? Should one commit sin for the benefit of a friend? For Aelred there is no limit to friendship. We are called by Christ to lay down our life for our friends. The decision of whether or not to do wrong for the sake of a friend is almost a non-issue for Aelred: "For that love is shameful and unworthy of the name of friendship where anything foul is demanded of a friend" (Book 2:39), and "any action should be denied a friend which brings about the death of the soul, that is sin" (Book 2:69). As Douglass Roby summarizes: "It is thus impossible to prefer a friend to morality; as soon as morality is damaged, friendship vanishes." This leads to Aelred's assertion that true friendship is possible only between those who share a desire for good: "For as long as anyone delights in an evil thing from desire of evil, as long as sensuality is more gratifying than purity, indiscretion than moderation, flattery than correction, how can it be right for such a one to even aspire to friendship, when it springs from an esteem for virtue?" (Book 2:38).
Aelred notes that we use the term "friendship" for all sorts of relationships that do not meet the demands of true friendship. He takes Cicero's definition of friendship as "agreement on matters human and divine with charity and goodwill", and makes a distinction between true friendships, which are based on true love--a combination of both charity and goodwill--versus false friendships, which are based on imperfect or corrupt love--love that is lacking in the combination of both charity and goodwill. As Roby points out, Aelred (perhaps differently than Cicero intended) uses the term "good will" for "a rational and voluntary choice to benefit someone", and he uses the term "charity" to mean "the enjoyment of our natural affection toward someone."
Aelred thus distinguishes two types of false friendships: (1) those for carnal pleasure, which exhibit the charity of natural affection but offend against "good will" and (2) those for material gain, which exhibit the rational choice necessary for good will but offend against charity "by simulating an affection towards a person which is really felt only towards his goods." In true friendship "there is nothing dishonorable, nothing deceptive, nothing feigned; whatever there is, is holy, voluntary and true" (Book 2:18).
Yet Aelred allows that even false friendships have a certain value and may have the potential to develop into true friendships: "True friendship advances by perfecting itself, and the fruit is derived from feeling the sweetness of that perfection" (Book 1:46). According to Aelred, even a true, spiritual friendship requires careful tending to weed out seeds of corruption that might degrade the goodness of love into mere cupidity. It is cupidity that can breed jealousies, factions and divisiveness, whereas "true love builds up the community and can only serve to unify, not to tear apart" (Roby, p. 21). In terms cultivating true friendship, Aelred advises "the beginnings of spiritual friendship ought to possess, first of all, purity of intention, the direction of reason and the restraint of moderation" (Book 2:59). Despite all challenges, the rewards of true friendship are worth the effort. "Even though the affections are difficult to control, this virtue, like all Christian virtues, is available to anyone who humbly seeks it. To renounce friendship as too difficult is not only to renounce virtue, but even true humanity" (Roby, p. 25).
Aelred’s Spiritual Friendship continues with advice for testing potential friends and gradually admitting them into one’s trust, and with reflections on the things that can injure friendship. It concludes with an autobiographical description of the two deepest friendships of Aelred’s life.
All in all, I think this work is a gift to humanity. In our day, or at least in my life, true friendship seems to be rare and undervalued. I recall a number of years ago being asked to be a guest speaker at a conference for 6th grade girls about women in science. During the lunch break, the facilitator instructed the girls that now was the time for “networking”. She winked at the girls, smiling at the clever way in which ordinary socializing could be made to seem more valuable and important by calling it networking. This almost made me gag. What have we come to if friendship (or even mere socializing) is not considered valuable in and of itself? Do we really imagine that networking can replace friendship? Networking seems like the perfect example of Aelred’s second type of false friendship—friendship for material gain or other form of advancement. I suppose that at least we are being honest to not even pretend that networking is a form of friendship, but I worry about promulgating the perception that true friendship is not a necessary ingredient of a happy life.
Until fairly recently, the only true friends I had were those relationships that I formed in graduate school. The demands of life as a new faculty member left little time for friendship, and the fact that the decision about my tenure would be largely in the hands of my peers, made it difficult for me to really open up to my colleagues. At the same time, I felt I had little in common with the Christians that I met at church. I had only colleagues whom I needed to please in order to gain their approval, and acquaintances whom I tried to love, but without much natural affection or connection. It took me a long time to realize that my heart longed for something more—for that true friendship that Aelred describes. Without it, we risk the danger of becoming mere automatons, networking our way through life in order to accomplish the tasks on our “to do” lists.
July 2, 2022
Aelred din Rievaulx este unul din puținii autori din Evul Mediu pe care i-am citit. Am remarcat aceeași preocupare pentru estetică pe care o găsesc la autorii antici. Până la urmă Aelred are 3 surse de inspirație în explicarea ideii de "Prietenie spirituală": Cicero - de la definiția căruia pornește, sfinții Ambrozie și Augustin - prin care dezvoltă definiția ciceriană în context creștin și monastic.
Cartea este un dialog între călugări organizat în 3 capitole: 1. Natura și originea/cauza prieteniei 2. Valoarea, roadele și limitele prieteniei 3. Alegerea și testarea prietenilor. Idealul și practica prieteniei. Cum și între cine prietenia poate fi ținută până la capăt.
Aelred citează Proverbe 17:17 (Prietenul adevărat iubește oricând) ca dovadă că prietenia adevărată este veșnică. Totodată, pornește de la viziunea clasică asupra prieteniei, care presupune acord și asemănare (a vieții, obiceiurilor și intereselor). De exemplu, Cicero definește prietenia ca “Friendship is agreement in things human and divine, with good will and charity." Ideea modernă a prieteniei tinde să valorizeze diferența. Cred, totuși, că acest lucru nu a crescut calitatea prieteniilor, ci cantitatea lor. Astăzi majoritatea relațiilor pot fi catalogate ca "networking", adică o prietenie în scop "lumesc". De aceea spuneam că "How to win friends and influence people" nu este o carte despre prietenie, ci despre coabitare profitabilă. Citând autorul, "The carnal is created by a conspiracy in vice, the worldly is enkindled by hope of gain, and the spiritual is cemented among the righteous by a likeness of lifestyles and interests".
Prietenia este starea naturală a omului edenic. Acest lucru se observă chiar și astăzi în ordinea creației, dar și pornind de la natura unificatoare a lui Dumnezeu. Hristos readuce această stare prin prietenia spirituală, care "începe în Hristos, continuă în Hristos și este perfecționată de Hristos". Între orice doi prieteni Hristos este prezent ca al 3-lea.
Calitățile care trebuie cultivate în noi și căutate în prieteni, pe lângă virtuțile clasice, sunt (în opinia autorului): loialitatea, buna intenție, discreția și răbdarea. Aelred recomandă testarea acestor calități înainte de a-ți uni sufletul prin prietenie. Loialitatea presupune ținerea secretelor și apărarea sufletului prietenului. Buna intenție nu caută într-o prietenie altceva decât pe Dumnezeu și binecuvântările naturale ale prieteniei. Discreția înseamnă să știi când și ce să oferi unui prieteni, ce poți să ceri unui prieten, când să suferi și când să te bucuri pentru el, când și cum să-l corectezi, cu ce motiv faci toate lucrurile și timpul și locul potrivit pentru ele. Răbdarea presupune sa nu te grăbești să corectezi, iar când o faci să o faci cu smerenie și compasiune. Totodată, prietenul nu trebuie să se agite sau să disprețuiască când este corectat, știind că "rănile făcute de un prieten dovedesc credincioșia lui". În cuvintele lui Augustin, "prietenii nu sunt prieteni adevărați dacă Dumnezeu nu îi unește prin dragostea turnată de Duhul Sfânt".
Cartea este un dialog între călugări organizat în 3 capitole: 1. Natura și originea/cauza prieteniei 2. Valoarea, roadele și limitele prieteniei 3. Alegerea și testarea prietenilor. Idealul și practica prieteniei. Cum și între cine prietenia poate fi ținută până la capăt.
Aelred citează Proverbe 17:17 (Prietenul adevărat iubește oricând) ca dovadă că prietenia adevărată este veșnică. Totodată, pornește de la viziunea clasică asupra prieteniei, care presupune acord și asemănare (a vieții, obiceiurilor și intereselor). De exemplu, Cicero definește prietenia ca “Friendship is agreement in things human and divine, with good will and charity." Ideea modernă a prieteniei tinde să valorizeze diferența. Cred, totuși, că acest lucru nu a crescut calitatea prieteniilor, ci cantitatea lor. Astăzi majoritatea relațiilor pot fi catalogate ca "networking", adică o prietenie în scop "lumesc". De aceea spuneam că "How to win friends and influence people" nu este o carte despre prietenie, ci despre coabitare profitabilă. Citând autorul, "The carnal is created by a conspiracy in vice, the worldly is enkindled by hope of gain, and the spiritual is cemented among the righteous by a likeness of lifestyles and interests".
Prietenia este starea naturală a omului edenic. Acest lucru se observă chiar și astăzi în ordinea creației, dar și pornind de la natura unificatoare a lui Dumnezeu. Hristos readuce această stare prin prietenia spirituală, care "începe în Hristos, continuă în Hristos și este perfecționată de Hristos". Între orice doi prieteni Hristos este prezent ca al 3-lea.
Calitățile care trebuie cultivate în noi și căutate în prieteni, pe lângă virtuțile clasice, sunt (în opinia autorului): loialitatea, buna intenție, discreția și răbdarea. Aelred recomandă testarea acestor calități înainte de a-ți uni sufletul prin prietenie. Loialitatea presupune ținerea secretelor și apărarea sufletului prietenului. Buna intenție nu caută într-o prietenie altceva decât pe Dumnezeu și binecuvântările naturale ale prieteniei. Discreția înseamnă să știi când și ce să oferi unui prieteni, ce poți să ceri unui prieten, când să suferi și când să te bucuri pentru el, când și cum să-l corectezi, cu ce motiv faci toate lucrurile și timpul și locul potrivit pentru ele. Răbdarea presupune sa nu te grăbești să corectezi, iar când o faci să o faci cu smerenie și compasiune. Totodată, prietenul nu trebuie să se agite sau să disprețuiască când este corectat, știind că "rănile făcute de un prieten dovedesc credincioșia lui". În cuvintele lui Augustin, "prietenii nu sunt prieteni adevărați dacă Dumnezeu nu îi unește prin dragostea turnată de Duhul Sfânt".
February 25, 2021
This book, and the experience of reading it, is one for which the star system of Goodreads is ill-suited; these four stars designate that I found the book of limited and great value.
Aelred defines spiritual friendship (only one of many possible good Christian relationships, though the best) as a friendship that unites reason and affection. A spiritual friend is at once someone who is objectively very good for us and someone toward whom our heart greatly warms. Other kinds of relationships do not feature those two characteristics in deep and equal proportion. Aelred says that, as long as the spiritual friendship disobeys no laws (those limits set down by reason), there is no limit to its possible affection, and consequently to its payoff in this world and the next, whereby the intimacy with a person here foreshadows and leads to intimacy with God. The intimacy is something like union into one soul; it is eternal.
As a monk writing to and about monks, his model of friendship depends on sameness, not difference. You look for a spiritual friend who shares as many of your best qualities as possible, you know how to love your friend because you are discerning enough to love that which is best about yourself, and you two gradually become more like one person (even acting alike). The emotional fervour he describes is often relegated by our culture into eroticism, but he never takes that path, nor ever apparently considers it. He does pick up the “one person” (though not “one flesh”) stuff from the Bible, as if friendship is kind of like heart marriage, but one gets the impression that erotic expression of the affective part of this friendship would be beside the point, would slow it down on its headlong rush toward spirit.
I find Aelred’s concept of spiritual friendship inspiring and plausible. I do get the feeling that spiritual friendship comes naturally to Aelred. He’s very good at definition and description because he’s experienced what he’s talking about and wants us to know that it is A Thing. And so it is. But because it comes so naturally to him, he’s a bit less effective in discussing the practical intricacies of what just comes to him on instinct. He talks a lot about picking and developing the right friend, and about what to do if your friend flakes off, but not as much about handling your own failures and limitations, because it doesn’t seem like the sort-of-sainted “Bernard of the North” had many of those to struggle with. Someone needs to write a sequel about how to pop the hood on a spiritual friendship and tune up the mechanism. “Spiritual Friendship: Best Practices,” something like that.
Aelred defines spiritual friendship (only one of many possible good Christian relationships, though the best) as a friendship that unites reason and affection. A spiritual friend is at once someone who is objectively very good for us and someone toward whom our heart greatly warms. Other kinds of relationships do not feature those two characteristics in deep and equal proportion. Aelred says that, as long as the spiritual friendship disobeys no laws (those limits set down by reason), there is no limit to its possible affection, and consequently to its payoff in this world and the next, whereby the intimacy with a person here foreshadows and leads to intimacy with God. The intimacy is something like union into one soul; it is eternal.
As a monk writing to and about monks, his model of friendship depends on sameness, not difference. You look for a spiritual friend who shares as many of your best qualities as possible, you know how to love your friend because you are discerning enough to love that which is best about yourself, and you two gradually become more like one person (even acting alike). The emotional fervour he describes is often relegated by our culture into eroticism, but he never takes that path, nor ever apparently considers it. He does pick up the “one person” (though not “one flesh”) stuff from the Bible, as if friendship is kind of like heart marriage, but one gets the impression that erotic expression of the affective part of this friendship would be beside the point, would slow it down on its headlong rush toward spirit.
I find Aelred’s concept of spiritual friendship inspiring and plausible. I do get the feeling that spiritual friendship comes naturally to Aelred. He’s very good at definition and description because he’s experienced what he’s talking about and wants us to know that it is A Thing. And so it is. But because it comes so naturally to him, he’s a bit less effective in discussing the practical intricacies of what just comes to him on instinct. He talks a lot about picking and developing the right friend, and about what to do if your friend flakes off, but not as much about handling your own failures and limitations, because it doesn’t seem like the sort-of-sainted “Bernard of the North” had many of those to struggle with. Someone needs to write a sequel about how to pop the hood on a spiritual friendship and tune up the mechanism. “Spiritual Friendship: Best Practices,” something like that.
February 18, 2014
Aelred was a monastic who wrote a guidebook about the selection and cultivation of spiritual friendships. The book club that I am a part of recently read and discussed this work - and I was surprised to hear that very few people felt that it was relevant to their relationships or even all that interesting. So I say that to qualify what follows.
I experienced this book quite differently. I envision Aelred as a highly sociable young man, confident that God created relationships for some good purpose. It is fair to say that Aelred's discussion of spiritual friendship centres on questions that the modern mind does not ponder. For example, he spends considerable time wondering how one can say that their affections are properly ordered if they love another human being (a friend) deeply.
The book misses the target in terms of contemporary relational concerns. However, seeming irrelevance can be therapeutic for our friendships. Why do we not stress over where we spend our love? Could a more intentional and careful affectional life lead to more robust friendships? Aelred gives us an opportunity to ponder questions such as these.
This book is incredibly short but very dense. It is a library book, not a lazy-boy book - so let's set it on a desk between our elbows, take a pencil in hand, and let this book teach us some new questions.
I experienced this book quite differently. I envision Aelred as a highly sociable young man, confident that God created relationships for some good purpose. It is fair to say that Aelred's discussion of spiritual friendship centres on questions that the modern mind does not ponder. For example, he spends considerable time wondering how one can say that their affections are properly ordered if they love another human being (a friend) deeply.
The book misses the target in terms of contemporary relational concerns. However, seeming irrelevance can be therapeutic for our friendships. Why do we not stress over where we spend our love? Could a more intentional and careful affectional life lead to more robust friendships? Aelred gives us an opportunity to ponder questions such as these.
This book is incredibly short but very dense. It is a library book, not a lazy-boy book - so let's set it on a desk between our elbows, take a pencil in hand, and let this book teach us some new questions.
February 28, 2022
A book that emerges from the dark walls of Benedictine monastic life at the beginning of the Middle Ages, yet this timeless religious classic on spiritual friendship still echoes relevantly to our age. Written in the 12th century, the abbot Aelred of Rievaulx speaks eloquently of the kind of life that characterizes those called in the brotherhood of religious community, yet the very same wisdom that comes from him speaks significantly in our age where relationships have become characterized by utility and impermanence. His notion of spiritual friendship is one of marital nature that breaks the boundary of race, gender and even of age. A must read for those seeking meaningful and intimate relationships that are more than skin deep.
September 10, 2020
Really easy to read, and thoroughly enlightening on the subject of friendship. I think our culture often undervalues friendship, and I read this to get a new perspective. I'm very glad I read it, and will be sharing with everyone.
November 22, 2013
Having not researched it before hand, it wasn't what I expected, but good none-the-less. It is written conversation style between Aelred and some of his brothers with them asking Aelred for his wisdom. This conversation allows personalities to come through, which made it not only more relatable (vs. purely theological), but I also found humor in some of the comments and interactions.
September 13, 2019
This Saint has some wonderful advice on finding and maintaining a true friendship. Thoroughly enjoyed it - it gave me much to think about regarding who I considered friends (and whether I should) and whose friendships I should be pursuing that I may have not been pursuing.
February 4, 2021
friendship that can end was never true.
March 14, 2025
Aelred’s just a very charming writer, really, and this is also pretty interesting as a medieval interpretation of Cicero.
Read
July 8, 2020MQ: What is friendship-love? (Why) is it a good? What are its roots, fruit, purposes, and practices? How is it carried out and preserved?
Aeldred notes his sources as Cicero (esp), Augustine, Bible (Song of Songs), but Platonism's ladder of loves plays in the background as well.
" . . . Volens spiritaliter amare, nec valens, institui de spiritali amicitia scribere, et regulas mihi castae sanctaeque dilectionis praescribere."
3 Parts:
1. Quid est amicitia et quis eius fuerit ortus vel causa?
- "Cum igitur in amicitia et aeternitas vigeat, et veritas luceat, et caritas dulcescat, utrum nomen sapientiae tribus his debeas abrogare . . ."
- "Deus amicitia est"
2. Amicitiae fructus excellentiaque
- "Amicitia optimus ad perfectionem gradus existit."
- "Quidam gradus est amicitia vicinus perfectioni, quae in Dei dilectione et cognitione consistit; ut homo ex amico hominis Dei efficiatur amicus."
- partiendo dolores atque gaudia (//Ciceronis de Amicitia)
- "Itaque amicus in spiritu Christi adhaerens amico, efficitur cum eo cor unum et anima una; et sic per amoris gradus ad Christi conscendens amicitiam, unus cum eo **spiritus** efficitur in **osculo** uno."
- de variis ocsculorum generibus
3. Quomodo et inter quos possit usque in finem indirupta amicitia servari?
- Seipsum in primis amare: "Ab amore profectam amicitiam non dubitatis. Qui vero semetipsum non amat, alium amare qui potest,cum ex similitudine amoris quo ipse sibi carus est, amorem proximi debeat ordinare? Se autem non diligit, qui turpe aliquid et inhonestum, vel a se exigit, vel sibi impertit . . . Sed quia hic amor multos colligit, ex ipsis eligat quos ad amicitiae secreta lege familiari admittat, in quem suum copiose infundat affectum; denudans pectus suum usque ad inspectionem viscerum et medullarum, cogitationum, et intentionum cordis."
- Pares: mores, studia, curae, etc: "Accedat paulatim consiliorum communio, assiduitas parilium studiorum, et quaedam conformatio vultuum . . ."
- Post mortem pergetur: " . . . nunc ut pro invicem sustineamus, mortis insuper aculeo cum ipsa morte destructo, cuius nunc punctionibus plerumque fatigati, necesse est ut pro invicem doleamus, securitate concepta, de summi illius boni aeternitate gaudebimus; cum haec amicitia ad quam hic paucos admittimus, transfundetur in omnes, et ab omnibus refundetur in deum, cum Deus fuerit omnia in omnibus."
AR:
- A. devotes a third of the treatise to the question of how to make friendship last: why is this such a deep human yearning?
- Taxonomy of kisses
Aeldred notes his sources as Cicero (esp), Augustine, Bible (Song of Songs), but Platonism's ladder of loves plays in the background as well.
" . . . Volens spiritaliter amare, nec valens, institui de spiritali amicitia scribere, et regulas mihi castae sanctaeque dilectionis praescribere."
3 Parts:
1. Quid est amicitia et quis eius fuerit ortus vel causa?
- "Cum igitur in amicitia et aeternitas vigeat, et veritas luceat, et caritas dulcescat, utrum nomen sapientiae tribus his debeas abrogare . . ."
- "Deus amicitia est"
2. Amicitiae fructus excellentiaque
- "Amicitia optimus ad perfectionem gradus existit."
- "Quidam gradus est amicitia vicinus perfectioni, quae in Dei dilectione et cognitione consistit; ut homo ex amico hominis Dei efficiatur amicus."
- partiendo dolores atque gaudia (//Ciceronis de Amicitia)
- "Itaque amicus in spiritu Christi adhaerens amico, efficitur cum eo cor unum et anima una; et sic per amoris gradus ad Christi conscendens amicitiam, unus cum eo **spiritus** efficitur in **osculo** uno."
- de variis ocsculorum generibus
3. Quomodo et inter quos possit usque in finem indirupta amicitia servari?
- Seipsum in primis amare: "Ab amore profectam amicitiam non dubitatis. Qui vero semetipsum non amat, alium amare qui potest,cum ex similitudine amoris quo ipse sibi carus est, amorem proximi debeat ordinare? Se autem non diligit, qui turpe aliquid et inhonestum, vel a se exigit, vel sibi impertit . . . Sed quia hic amor multos colligit, ex ipsis eligat quos ad amicitiae secreta lege familiari admittat, in quem suum copiose infundat affectum; denudans pectus suum usque ad inspectionem viscerum et medullarum, cogitationum, et intentionum cordis."
- Pares: mores, studia, curae, etc: "Accedat paulatim consiliorum communio, assiduitas parilium studiorum, et quaedam conformatio vultuum . . ."
- Post mortem pergetur: " . . . nunc ut pro invicem sustineamus, mortis insuper aculeo cum ipsa morte destructo, cuius nunc punctionibus plerumque fatigati, necesse est ut pro invicem doleamus, securitate concepta, de summi illius boni aeternitate gaudebimus; cum haec amicitia ad quam hic paucos admittimus, transfundetur in omnes, et ab omnibus refundetur in deum, cum Deus fuerit omnia in omnibus."
AR:
- A. devotes a third of the treatise to the question of how to make friendship last: why is this such a deep human yearning?
- Taxonomy of kisses
August 29, 2024
Just like St Ambrose wrote "On the Duties of the Clergy" to supplement and go beyond Cicero's "On Duties", St Aelred writes this work on friendship to do the same with Cicero's work on friendship. Cicero addressed relationships between fallen men without supernatural grace. Since St Aelred knew about the Gospel, what Christ has taught about friendship, and has been formed by grace, he is able to go far past Cicero's work. The entire work here constantly refers to Cicero and some sections from St Augustine's Confessions.
My personal highlights were:
- Cicero thought that friendship is extremely rare and that there had perhaps been a dozen true friends through history. This is correct, for pagans. But among Christians, Aelred finds innumerable pairs of friends.
- Cicero can't really establish a proper limit that friendship should go to. His options are all pagan ideas, none of which really leave him satisfied. But St. Aelred simply listens to the words of Christ: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lays down his life for his friends.
- He also talks about how one can grow in affection towards their friend by contemplating their virtues. Relevant to prayer!
- Finally, St Aelred says that friendship is the best gift of nature and grace. And, though he was a monk and not married, it reminded me of Casti Connubii says about marriage in the first line.
Great work, and lots to learn here. This is far better than the writings of the philosophers.
My personal highlights were:
- Cicero thought that friendship is extremely rare and that there had perhaps been a dozen true friends through history. This is correct, for pagans. But among Christians, Aelred finds innumerable pairs of friends.
- Cicero can't really establish a proper limit that friendship should go to. His options are all pagan ideas, none of which really leave him satisfied. But St. Aelred simply listens to the words of Christ: Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lays down his life for his friends.
- He also talks about how one can grow in affection towards their friend by contemplating their virtues. Relevant to prayer!
- Finally, St Aelred says that friendship is the best gift of nature and grace. And, though he was a monk and not married, it reminded me of Casti Connubii says about marriage in the first line.
Great work, and lots to learn here. This is far better than the writings of the philosophers.
June 13, 2023
Spiritual Friendship is a profound piece of Christian writing that is beyond my comprehension. It is written by Aelred, an English Cistercian monk, abbot of Rievaulx from 1147 until his death. I feel somewhat ashamed that I often do not agree with the teachings of a priest regarded by Anglicans and Catholics as a saint. Obviously, I am not saintly even though I share the Christian faith.
There are three parts in this 189-page treatise on the kind of true friendship rooted in Christ. Part 1 discusses the nature of friendship, its origin and cause. Part II expounds on the fruit and excellence of friendship. Part III examines how and among whom friendship can be kept unbroken to the end.
The exposition is structured around conversations between Aelred and three other individuals: Ivo, Walter, and Gratian. I am several times gratified by the questions posed by them because they seem to share my lack of understanding and indignation at times. The chief reason for my discontent: I was made to feel increasingly inadequate and helpless as the essence of spiritual friendship that Aelred described seemed well-nigh unattainable this side of heaven.
There are some things I understood. The central thesis of spiritual friendship is that the source and object of true friendship is Christ. According to Aelred:
”What statement about friendship can be more sublime, more true, more valuable than this: it has been proved that friendship must begin in Christ, continue with Christ, and be perfected by Christ.”
OK. I buy this since Aelred is talking about ‘spiritual friendship.’
He explains that friendship springs from love. The foundation is the love of God. I appreciate this interesting derivation:
“… from amor comes amicus and from amicus, amicitia. That is, from the word for love comes that for friend, and from friend, friendship.”
Hence, a friend is called the guardian of love or guardian of the soul. Nice.
Aelred also writes beautifully about the fruits of friendship and there are many quotable lines. On the simplest level, I agree that “almost nothing can be enjoyed without a friend.” I’d rather have tea or coffee with a friend than alone. Of course, friends help us bear our burdens and cushion adversity. Aelred says that ”the best medicine for life is a friend.”
However, Aelred goes on to say that “a friend loves always” (Proverbs 17:17) and that “a friendship that can end was never true.” To this, I share Ivo’s despair. Ivo took these words right out of my mouth, “… I seem to be slaving in vain to acquire this virtue, for I am terrified now by its astonishing height, and I almost despair of reaching it.” The friendship between King David and Jonathan of Biblical times was cited as the exemplary model of spiritual friendship.
I suppose that since the topic is spiritual friendship, Aelred had reason to argue that it cannot exist among hardened criminals. Aelred opined, “You see then that friendship can last only among the good?” Walter then asked a good question: “What has friendship to do with us, then, since we are less than good?” Brilliant question. How can we, less than good people, ever hope to cultivate spiritual friendship with anyone?
An idea that gnawed at me is this notion that people who share a spiritual friendship have complete alignment of interests, beliefs, convictions, and values. In Aelred’s words: “… there should exist no separation of spirits, affection, will, or opinion.” I beg to disagree. Won’t that friend become a clone of myself? I want my friend to hold his or her own opinion and it need not be the same as mine.
One last idea that I could not digest is this. Aelred said, “Now since you and your friend should have but one heart and one soul, it is only fitting that you have but one purse..” Absolutely not.
Perhaps, I am not ready for Aelred’s teaching on spiritual friendship. Frankly, I do not think I will be able to live up to these lofty notions of true friendship.
There are three parts in this 189-page treatise on the kind of true friendship rooted in Christ. Part 1 discusses the nature of friendship, its origin and cause. Part II expounds on the fruit and excellence of friendship. Part III examines how and among whom friendship can be kept unbroken to the end.
The exposition is structured around conversations between Aelred and three other individuals: Ivo, Walter, and Gratian. I am several times gratified by the questions posed by them because they seem to share my lack of understanding and indignation at times. The chief reason for my discontent: I was made to feel increasingly inadequate and helpless as the essence of spiritual friendship that Aelred described seemed well-nigh unattainable this side of heaven.
There are some things I understood. The central thesis of spiritual friendship is that the source and object of true friendship is Christ. According to Aelred:
”What statement about friendship can be more sublime, more true, more valuable than this: it has been proved that friendship must begin in Christ, continue with Christ, and be perfected by Christ.”
OK. I buy this since Aelred is talking about ‘spiritual friendship.’
He explains that friendship springs from love. The foundation is the love of God. I appreciate this interesting derivation:
“… from amor comes amicus and from amicus, amicitia. That is, from the word for love comes that for friend, and from friend, friendship.”
Hence, a friend is called the guardian of love or guardian of the soul. Nice.
Aelred also writes beautifully about the fruits of friendship and there are many quotable lines. On the simplest level, I agree that “almost nothing can be enjoyed without a friend.” I’d rather have tea or coffee with a friend than alone. Of course, friends help us bear our burdens and cushion adversity. Aelred says that ”the best medicine for life is a friend.”
However, Aelred goes on to say that “a friend loves always” (Proverbs 17:17) and that “a friendship that can end was never true.” To this, I share Ivo’s despair. Ivo took these words right out of my mouth, “… I seem to be slaving in vain to acquire this virtue, for I am terrified now by its astonishing height, and I almost despair of reaching it.” The friendship between King David and Jonathan of Biblical times was cited as the exemplary model of spiritual friendship.
I suppose that since the topic is spiritual friendship, Aelred had reason to argue that it cannot exist among hardened criminals. Aelred opined, “You see then that friendship can last only among the good?” Walter then asked a good question: “What has friendship to do with us, then, since we are less than good?” Brilliant question. How can we, less than good people, ever hope to cultivate spiritual friendship with anyone?
An idea that gnawed at me is this notion that people who share a spiritual friendship have complete alignment of interests, beliefs, convictions, and values. In Aelred’s words: “… there should exist no separation of spirits, affection, will, or opinion.” I beg to disagree. Won’t that friend become a clone of myself? I want my friend to hold his or her own opinion and it need not be the same as mine.
One last idea that I could not digest is this. Aelred said, “Now since you and your friend should have but one heart and one soul, it is only fitting that you have but one purse..” Absolutely not.
Perhaps, I am not ready for Aelred’s teaching on spiritual friendship. Frankly, I do not think I will be able to live up to these lofty notions of true friendship.
September 15, 2021
Attenzione, attenzione, Mel Gibson: here’s a great opportunity to counter the gay and lesbian distortion of male friendships by making a film about male bonding at its best in a twelfth-century abbey.
If not the preceding paragraph, then here’s another serious initial comment to encourage you to read this book. Gays and lesbians who distort heterosexual normativity can learn much from what this twelfth-century writer has to say about friendships.
Now that I got your attention by mentioning the obligatory sex and the hot topic of gay and lesbian nonsense, consider this. What Saint (yes, Saint) Aelred of Rievaulx has to say about friendship is a wonderful affirmation that a man can be a friend to another man, as a man can be a friend to a woman, as a woman can be a friend to another woman without each other defiling their sexuality by engaging in (a foreign word which must be googled in this twenty-first century) sin.
And all this from reading a medieval writer who preceded the various men’s movements of the late twentieth and twenty-first centuries by 800 years!
All facetiousness and commentary about this disturbed twenty-first century aside, while some readers will ponder St. Aelred’s thinking on friendship (as have Cicero, St. Augustine, and St. Ambrose), others may read this thin volume casually yet still obtain some trenchant and pithy ideas worth mentioning.
The following quotes are from the book itself, not the exemplary and detailed introductory matter provided by the editor, Dr. Marsha L. Dutton. The individual book within St. Aelred’s three-book treatise and then section number precede page citation.
Cicero’s definition of friendship: “Friendship is agreement in things human and divine, with good will and charity” (1.11; 57).
“Divine authority commands that many more be received to the clasp of charity than to the embrace of friendship. By the law of charity we are ordered to welcome into the bosom of love not only our friends but also our enemies. But we call friends only those to whom we have no qualm about entrusting our heart and all its contents” (1.32; 61).
Eve was created “so that nature might teach that all are equal or, as it were, collateral, and that among human beings—and this is a property of friendship—there exists neither superior nor inferior” (1.57; 66).
“Although attachment frequently precedes friendship, it should never be followed unless reason guides, honesty moderates, and justice rules” (2.57; 83).
“…you must first choose, then test and finally admit someone considered right for such a trust” (3.6; 89).
There are “four steps that lead to the perfection of friendship. The first is choice, the second testing, the third acceptance, and the fourth the highest agreement in things divine and human with a certain charity and good will” (3.8; 90).
“If you do not love yourself, how can you love another?” (3.128; 124).
“Friends should so resemble each other that at a glance one takes on the expression of the other, whether it is downcast by sorrow or relaxed in joy” (3.131; 125).
And finally, although friendship is being described as Eucharistic, one can only imagine how ignorant persons will distort the following passage to support the gay or lesbian nonsense called gender ideology: “Thus rising from that holy love with which a friend embraces a friend to that with which a friend embraces Christ, one may take the spiritual fruit of friendship fully and joyfully into the mouth, while looking forward to all abundance in the life to come.” (3.134; 126).
If not the preceding paragraph, then here’s another serious initial comment to encourage you to read this book. Gays and lesbians who distort heterosexual normativity can learn much from what this twelfth-century writer has to say about friendships.
Now that I got your attention by mentioning the obligatory sex and the hot topic of gay and lesbian nonsense, consider this. What Saint (yes, Saint) Aelred of Rievaulx has to say about friendship is a wonderful affirmation that a man can be a friend to another man, as a man can be a friend to a woman, as a woman can be a friend to another woman without each other defiling their sexuality by engaging in (a foreign word which must be googled in this twenty-first century) sin.
And all this from reading a medieval writer who preceded the various men’s movements of the late twentieth and twenty-first centuries by 800 years!
All facetiousness and commentary about this disturbed twenty-first century aside, while some readers will ponder St. Aelred’s thinking on friendship (as have Cicero, St. Augustine, and St. Ambrose), others may read this thin volume casually yet still obtain some trenchant and pithy ideas worth mentioning.
The following quotes are from the book itself, not the exemplary and detailed introductory matter provided by the editor, Dr. Marsha L. Dutton. The individual book within St. Aelred’s three-book treatise and then section number precede page citation.
Cicero’s definition of friendship: “Friendship is agreement in things human and divine, with good will and charity” (1.11; 57).
“Divine authority commands that many more be received to the clasp of charity than to the embrace of friendship. By the law of charity we are ordered to welcome into the bosom of love not only our friends but also our enemies. But we call friends only those to whom we have no qualm about entrusting our heart and all its contents” (1.32; 61).
Eve was created “so that nature might teach that all are equal or, as it were, collateral, and that among human beings—and this is a property of friendship—there exists neither superior nor inferior” (1.57; 66).
“Although attachment frequently precedes friendship, it should never be followed unless reason guides, honesty moderates, and justice rules” (2.57; 83).
“…you must first choose, then test and finally admit someone considered right for such a trust” (3.6; 89).
There are “four steps that lead to the perfection of friendship. The first is choice, the second testing, the third acceptance, and the fourth the highest agreement in things divine and human with a certain charity and good will” (3.8; 90).
“If you do not love yourself, how can you love another?” (3.128; 124).
“Friends should so resemble each other that at a glance one takes on the expression of the other, whether it is downcast by sorrow or relaxed in joy” (3.131; 125).
And finally, although friendship is being described as Eucharistic, one can only imagine how ignorant persons will distort the following passage to support the gay or lesbian nonsense called gender ideology: “Thus rising from that holy love with which a friend embraces a friend to that with which a friend embraces Christ, one may take the spiritual fruit of friendship fully and joyfully into the mouth, while looking forward to all abundance in the life to come.” (3.134; 126).
November 27, 2023
A very short and pleasant read, written in the form of a dialogue between several friends in a monastery. If you've read or know about Aristotle's and/or Cicero's views on friendship, then most of this book will be a review; yet while most of the book isn't the most original, Aelred still updates the ancients' thinking, mostly by tying friendship to God, at one point going so far as to state, "God is friendship" (1:69, p. 65).
He says quite a bit that is helpful about how to go about selecting friends, how to maintain them, and how/when to end them. He's slightly less methodical than Aristotle: the prose is less stuffy, which I enjoyed. The reason I enjoyed this book a lot is because I agree with many, but not all (e.g., “between perfect friends… no disagreements can possibly arise” (3:48, pp. 102-3)) of his points; and you can tell from what he says, and how he says it, that he truly cherishes his friends. Here's a little sample:
And:
He says quite a bit that is helpful about how to go about selecting friends, how to maintain them, and how/when to end them. He's slightly less methodical than Aristotle: the prose is less stuffy, which I enjoyed. The reason I enjoyed this book a lot is because I agree with many, but not all (e.g., “between perfect friends… no disagreements can possibly arise” (3:48, pp. 102-3)) of his points; and you can tell from what he says, and how he says it, that he truly cherishes his friends. Here's a little sample:
But what happiness, what security, what joy to have some one to whom you dare to speak on terms of equality as to another self; one to whom you need have no fear to confess your failings; one to whom you can unblushingly make known what progress you have made in the spiritual life; one to whom you can entrust all the secrets of your heart and before whom you can place all your plans! (2:11, p. 72)
And:
[T]hose men are beasts rather than human beings who declare that man ought to live in such a way as to be to no one a source of consolation, to no one a source even of grief or burden; to take no delight in the good fortune of another, or impart to others no bitterness because of their own misfortune, caring to cherish no one and to be cherished by no one. (2:52, p. 82)
April 5, 2009
Because Aelred's treatise responds to Cicero's treatise on friendship, I'm at a disadvantage, at least until I read the Cicero. I do understand that Aelred swapped out Cicero's classical examples for examples from the Biblical histories.
With that proviso, what stands out:
Douglass Roby's introduction, incidentally, could just as well have been written in 1874 as 1974. It's appalling; e.g, it speaks of twelfth-century Scotland as a "still very barbarous land" and of the Scottish court's interest in "bringing the customs and advantages of Norman civilization to the North" (5); it speaks about the customs of the "sons of good famil[ies:]," the "soften[ing:]" of the "somewhat rough sounding Anglo-Saxon name of Ethelred" to "Aelred." Throughout, its prejudices are Catholic, English--which is to say anti-Celtic, royalist, and the attitude towards textual evidence is naive, earnest, and superficial.
With that proviso, what stands out:
• The friendships among inanimate and irrational things:
And thus Sovereign Nature has established all natures, has arranged all things in their places, and has discreetly distributed all things in their own times. He has willed, moreover, for so his eternal reason has directed, that peace encompass all his creatures and society unite them; and thus all creatures obtain from him, who is supremely and purely one, some trace of that unity. For that reason he has left no type of beings alone, but out of many has drawn them together by means of a certain society. [54:] Suppose we begin with inanimate creation--what soil or what river produces one single stone of one kind? Or what forest bears but a single tree of a single kind? And so even in inanimate nature a certain love of companionship, so to speak, is apparent, since none of these exists alone but everything is created and thrives in a certain society with its own kind" (62)For my own work, on the same page, there's also this:
And though in all other respects animals are rated irrational, yet they imitate man in this regard to such an extent that we almost believe they act with reason.Aelred had just offered the whole of creation as a mirror to teach friendship; yet here, with animals, he switches to having animals imitate humans; he refuses to let (nonhuman) animals instruct humans and insists on human primacy. For the rest of the work, he calls people without friends worse than beasts (e.g., "a man is to be compared to a beast if he ha no one to rejoice with him in adversity" (71, also 82, 83, where affection without reason is "an animal movement").
• As it's a moral/practical dialogue, Aelred includes some 'dramatic realism'--lookout! here comes the cellerer! can it, bros! (105) Walter and Gratian, hilariously, can't stop fighting for Aelred's attention--but there's otherwise little reference to the practicalities of monastic life. For example, advice--presumably ported wholesale from Cicero--about worldly goods, bribery, and friendship has been included when monks, particularly Cistercian monks of the twelfth century, would not have had personal property to distribute. So far as I know, then, some of Aelred's advice is otiose for its compositional context (e.g., 118). Does he expect circulation outside monasteries?
• More to the point, there's also no engagement with previous monastic warnings against factionalism, friendship, nor is there any sense--although there should have been!--that a friend is a kind of private property, particularly within the community of the monastery. Throughout the dialogue, in fact, Aelred and his several companions express their wish to be alone with each other, to exclude others, meaning other monks, from their conversation and thus from Aelred's lessons. We therefore have the sense, throughout, of eavesdropping where we're not wanted. Aelred also implicitly shows the dangers of friendship through the squabbling of Gratian and Walter.
Notably, Aelred treats these exclusions not morally but practically. His concern in what amounts, for large sections, to a how-to manual, is to provide a guide for admitting another into one's confidence while minimizing the chance of betrayal. Indeed, the person who merits inclusion in the inner circle of friendship is, as in Cicero, an alter ego, but it is--contra Cicero--an alter ego guided by God, by service to the state, by adherence to the laws (102, and especially 105), and thus wholly bounded within various predictable legal structures. In presenting friendship this way, Aelred aims to minimize the engagement with the 'wholly other,' and therefore with vulnerability, surprise, hospitality (in the openness treated by Derrida in [Book:Acts of Religion]), and to advance rational guidance above all other concerns (130). Friendship may be an end in itself, it may be a guided by both affection and (mainly) reason, it may be just this side of the relation with God (e.g., 73 and especially 131-32), but for Aelred, it's finally a cautious thing. In short, it provides almost nothing for thinking an ethics of friendship, let alone an erotics of friendship (the preference here is for Proverbs over the Song of Songs).
• It might also be worth tracking "deception" through the work: cf. "in friendship there is nothing dishonorable, nothing deceptive, nothing feigned" (74) to Aelred's argument for "dissimulation" in friendship (122)
• Social historians and particularly historians of gesture will be interested in Aelred's classification of kinds of "carnal" kisses at 76: in such kisses he includes those used in rituals of reconciliation, church rituals, and also that "permitted between bride and groom." They might also note Aelred distaste for subservience, although he carefully explains that this includes only freely born people (121).
• I do like Aelred's thought experiment to prove the human need for friendship: imagine, he says, "that the whole human race has been taken out of the world leaving you as sole survivor" (110). You have all the wealth, have complete Edenic mastery over animals, but are you happy? Wouldn't you be happier with another person, even if you didn't speak his language?
Douglass Roby's introduction, incidentally, could just as well have been written in 1874 as 1974. It's appalling; e.g, it speaks of twelfth-century Scotland as a "still very barbarous land" and of the Scottish court's interest in "bringing the customs and advantages of Norman civilization to the North" (5); it speaks about the customs of the "sons of good famil[ies:]," the "soften[ing:]" of the "somewhat rough sounding Anglo-Saxon name of Ethelred" to "Aelred." Throughout, its prejudices are Catholic, English--which is to say anti-Celtic, royalist, and the attitude towards textual evidence is naive, earnest, and superficial.
July 28, 2018
Aelred was a Scot from the 12th century. Some type of monk also. The book is presented in a dialogue format with Aelred talking to some younger monks about friendship.
His book is composed of three sections: origin of friendship, fruition and excellence of friendship, and conditions and characteristics of unbroken friendship. He references Cicero and his treatise on friendship (which I picked up for later reading), but presents his thoughts on friendship, sharing his experience--mostly from his time being a monk.
here's some lines:
The fountain and source of friendship Is love.
a friend is called a guardian of love or, as some would have it, a guardian of the spirit itself.
but only those do we call friends to whom we can fearlessly entrust our heart and all its secrets; those, too, who, in turn, are bound to us by the same law of faith and security.
spiritual friendship is not a matter of studying and theorizing, but of celebrating and sharing.
it is not so much the benefit obtained through a friend that delights as the friend's love in itself.
His book is composed of three sections: origin of friendship, fruition and excellence of friendship, and conditions and characteristics of unbroken friendship. He references Cicero and his treatise on friendship (which I picked up for later reading), but presents his thoughts on friendship, sharing his experience--mostly from his time being a monk.
here's some lines:
The fountain and source of friendship Is love.
a friend is called a guardian of love or, as some would have it, a guardian of the spirit itself.
but only those do we call friends to whom we can fearlessly entrust our heart and all its secrets; those, too, who, in turn, are bound to us by the same law of faith and security.
spiritual friendship is not a matter of studying and theorizing, but of celebrating and sharing.
it is not so much the benefit obtained through a friend that delights as the friend's love in itself.
October 11, 2024
A simple book that is fruitful for how it causes you to pause and reconsider friendship as a more central aspect and measuring rod of Christian life. Famous for its quote "God is friendship," St. Aelred is certainly aggressive at parts of this treatise, calling friendship akin to wisdom and considering it within a contemplative progression towards perfection. The closer two people are to perfection, the more sublime a friendship can become, and conversely, friendship is a tremendous aid in moving towards perfection. Fascinatingly, he also considers creation from a perspective of friendship existing within different tiers amongst the angels (fallen angels being those who preferred isolation out of pride), men, and non-rational creatures (only by analogy). The other aspect that rang out from this treatise was how it sounded so much like St. Francis de Sales at points, especially in its particular counsels on being a friend, bearing such an emphasis on courtly discretion and gentle demeanor. Lovely.
October 24, 2019
It is amazing to me how much has changed in regards to friendship since Aelred of Rievaulx wrote Spiritual Friendship. It has been about 900 years, so I shouldn't be so surprised.
Spiritual friendship is contrasted with carnal or worldly friendship in this work. And, the differences are plain to see as one reads. But, why do we not understand, why are we not taught, how to discern the differences today?
The book contains three "books". The format is dialogue. It is like listening to a discussion between a mentor and a few young people seeking wisdom for life.
Aelred discusses what it means to be a spiritual friend, how to choose a good spiritual friend, how to test potential friends to see if they will be good spiritual friends, and how to nurture friendship.
This book is full of wisdom! It should be read by everyone, especially the young! Grab a copy and enjoy!
Spiritual friendship is contrasted with carnal or worldly friendship in this work. And, the differences are plain to see as one reads. But, why do we not understand, why are we not taught, how to discern the differences today?
The book contains three "books". The format is dialogue. It is like listening to a discussion between a mentor and a few young people seeking wisdom for life.
Aelred discusses what it means to be a spiritual friend, how to choose a good spiritual friend, how to test potential friends to see if they will be good spiritual friends, and how to nurture friendship.
This book is full of wisdom! It should be read by everyone, especially the young! Grab a copy and enjoy!
January 7, 2023
For being such a short book, this was difficult to get through.
I appreciate that St. Aelred's premise is that friendship is inherently mystical, but there's not a ton of depth here. Aelred is not interested in the relational complexities that characterize intimate friendships, which is understandable because he focuses on relationships predicated on sameness.
If we are the same as our friends, there's very little opportunity for friction, and I think it's harder to go deep.
Nevertheless, I did benefit from his emphasis on grace and devotion to the people we love. It's a little too pragmatic, but I think that serves his approach well—
It's not that complicated. Love others well.
I appreciate that St. Aelred's premise is that friendship is inherently mystical, but there's not a ton of depth here. Aelred is not interested in the relational complexities that characterize intimate friendships, which is understandable because he focuses on relationships predicated on sameness.
If we are the same as our friends, there's very little opportunity for friction, and I think it's harder to go deep.
Nevertheless, I did benefit from his emphasis on grace and devotion to the people we love. It's a little too pragmatic, but I think that serves his approach well—
It's not that complicated. Love others well.
October 18, 2017
Much wisdom and insight here on the subject of friendship. This is the kind of book to meditate on and come back to. Aelred interacts a great deal with Scripture, but also with Cicero and Ambrose, especially. I greatly appreciate his distinction between love and friendship, the way the high calling of friendship corresponds to the exclusive nature of friendship, and even his thoughts on when a friendship needs dissolving (only when a friend is acting counter to the very nature of friendship). And finally, I so appreciate the colorful interlocutors he includes in his dialogical style, especially the sarcastic Walter.
July 28, 2020
A truly beautiful little work. I'm probably going to read it a second time this year.
It lays out a clear framework for the development of good friendships, as opposed to the often transitory and outright bad friendships we often form along the way.
Unlike other Catholic books on Spirituality, such as those of St John of The Cross, it does not preach detachment from all things but God. On the contrary, it preaches that we can be saved through our friends and lovers, as they are in the likeness of that same God. This is sometimes acknowledged as a footnote by other books, but this really emphasises it.
Superb.
It lays out a clear framework for the development of good friendships, as opposed to the often transitory and outright bad friendships we often form along the way.
Unlike other Catholic books on Spirituality, such as those of St John of The Cross, it does not preach detachment from all things but God. On the contrary, it preaches that we can be saved through our friends and lovers, as they are in the likeness of that same God. This is sometimes acknowledged as a footnote by other books, but this really emphasises it.
Superb.
August 16, 2025
Short and sweet; it seems to capture the heart of how “true” friendship feels, and doesn’t shy away from the facts that this friendship is both hard to aspire to, and easily feigned. It sets a high standard for exclusive and selective friendship, while still giving some clear indication of how it might be found and tested and attained. All set within a charming dialogue that gives character and life to what might otherwise seem a terse monograph. It naturally inspires one to read some of the foundational influences such as Cicero and Augustine
May 22, 2017
Spiritual Friendship reads like a platonic dialogue whose logos has been imbued with Christian love. The flow of the text meanders at times, but generally provides a cogent account of what constitutes—and what falls short of—true spiritual companionship. An interesting read that renewed my gratitude for my closest friends.
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April 13, 2023A great primary source on the foundations of spiritual friendships. In the classical style of Plato, Aelred defines and builds a construct of spiritual friendship that is key for all friendships.
I found this work through another, Holy Listening, and agree that Aelred's Spiritual Friendship is a helpful tool in the toolbox of spiritual direction and ministry.
I found this work through another, Holy Listening, and agree that Aelred's Spiritual Friendship is a helpful tool in the toolbox of spiritual direction and ministry.
August 26, 2023
A 12th century English Cistercian monk reflecting on the nature, requirements and cultivation of perfect friendship. Williams’ introduction and appendix are clear, sensitive discussions of Aelred’s context and rhetorical aims, especially in light of the question whether Aelred was a gay man extolling the possibility of spiritual perfection through homoerotic friendships.
June 13, 2025
Having read, "Spiritual Friendship, Distilled," first, I found this book a good follow-up. It is always good to read the original version as well as someone's "distillation" of it. The distillation was well done and most of the treasures were found but I enjoyed the bibilical references in the original that St. Aelred used as examples.
March 8, 2019
Aelred's vision for friendship is intriguing, especially in our present context when friendship is seen as a step lower than romantic relationships in terms of value, depth, importance, etc. His use and synthesis of classical sources is throughly well done and helpful.
February 20, 2025
Es un gran libro que ha viajado desde la Edad Media hasta nuestro siglo con una vigencia pavorosa. Gracias a su estructura de diálogo se hace ameno para cualquier persona. Las ideas que refleja son nítidas y no dan pie a doble interpretación. Debería ser leído por toda la cristiandad.
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