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When Your Adult Child Strays: Trading Heartache for Hope
No matter what comes between you and your adult child, you can still foster a strong relationship.
Parents are often stunned when their children reach adulthood and disregard the values, practices, and faith commitments they were raised with. Whether these differences are over church, politics, sexuality and gender, addiction, or another issue, parents struggle to know what went wrong.
But there's good In the midst of uncertainty, you can trade heartache for hope.
In When Your Adult Child Strays, author, speaker, and podcaster Jim Burns gives practical advice on key areas of conflict and offers guidance on how to foster a strong relationship with your adult child. As a trusted expert on family, parenting, and marriage, Jim will help
Rebuild trust with an adult child who has rejected your traditions Lower your emotional reactivity in heated conversations Learn how to validate your adult child's feelings without trying to be right Move from advice giver to mentor Understand the differences between Nomads, Prodigals, and Exiles Avoid being defined by your adult child's choices Maintaining a healthy relationship with your adult child is hard. But with God's help, hope and healing are within reach.
Parents are often stunned when their children reach adulthood and disregard the values, practices, and faith commitments they were raised with. Whether these differences are over church, politics, sexuality and gender, addiction, or another issue, parents struggle to know what went wrong.
But there's good In the midst of uncertainty, you can trade heartache for hope.
In When Your Adult Child Strays, author, speaker, and podcaster Jim Burns gives practical advice on key areas of conflict and offers guidance on how to foster a strong relationship with your adult child. As a trusted expert on family, parenting, and marriage, Jim will help
Rebuild trust with an adult child who has rejected your traditions Lower your emotional reactivity in heated conversations Learn how to validate your adult child's feelings without trying to be right Move from advice giver to mentor Understand the differences between Nomads, Prodigals, and Exiles Avoid being defined by your adult child's choices Maintaining a healthy relationship with your adult child is hard. But with God's help, hope and healing are within reach.
- GenresParenting
192 pages, Paperback
Published May 5, 2026
About the author
Jim Burns
278 books68 followersLibrarian Note: There is more than one author by this name in the Goodreads database.
Jim Burns, Ph.D., President of HomeWord is the host of the HomeWord with Jim Burns daily half-hour, daily one-minute, and weekly half-hour radio programs. His passion is communicating to adults and young people practical truths to help them live out their Christian lives.
Jim is the author of many resources including his latest books The Purity Code: God’s Plan for Sex and Your Body, Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality and Accept Nothing Less: God’s Best for Your Body, Mind and Heart. In recent years, he has also written Confident Parenting and Creating an Intimate Marriage which are available in audio CDs, books, and small group curriculum kits; The 10 Building Blocks for a Happy Family; Devotions on the Run; and Parenting Teenagers for Positive Results kit. Since 1985, HomeWord has been assisting parents and churches worldwide through radio, resources, seminars, and the web at www.homeword.com. Jim writes monthly columns for Ignite Your Faith magazine and Simply Youth Ministry newsletter and website.
Jim Burns, Ph.D., President of HomeWord is the host of the HomeWord with Jim Burns daily half-hour, daily one-minute, and weekly half-hour radio programs. His passion is communicating to adults and young people practical truths to help them live out their Christian lives.
Jim is the author of many resources including his latest books The Purity Code: God’s Plan for Sex and Your Body, Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality and Accept Nothing Less: God’s Best for Your Body, Mind and Heart. In recent years, he has also written Confident Parenting and Creating an Intimate Marriage which are available in audio CDs, books, and small group curriculum kits; The 10 Building Blocks for a Happy Family; Devotions on the Run; and Parenting Teenagers for Positive Results kit. Since 1985, HomeWord has been assisting parents and churches worldwide through radio, resources, seminars, and the web at www.homeword.com. Jim writes monthly columns for Ignite Your Faith magazine and Simply Youth Ministry newsletter and website.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
August 5, 2026
4.5⭐️ - Very good! Jim Burns lays out some great principles here. There are fewer practical tips than his previous book "Doing Life With Your Adult Children," but it is still well worth your time. I recorded lots of notable quotes from this book below!
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"Good and hard can coexist."
"The moment you begin to make the shift from control to connection, something powerful happens. Both you and your adult child are liberated."
"Just like when they were little, our grown children tend to learn more from real life experience than from our advice. The more we respect their independence, the more influence we actually gain. One of the great paradoxes of doing life with our adult children is that as we give our kids the freedom to fail, they grow up."
"Here is a phrase I've learned to use. 'That sounds really hard.' Then silence."
"Lead with love, even when you don't feel like it. Choose love and move forward."
"I can imagine God saying to you and to me, 'I know every sin in your life and every skeleton in your closet. I know your darkest thoughts. And I have a word for you. You are the apple of my eye.'"
"Tough love means not being mean-spirited or condemning. But rather allowing the natural consequences of poor decisions to unfold without bailing out our straying children."
"You can lead with love and kindness while still holding firm to healthy boundaries that build responsibility. It's possible to show empathy and practice tough love at the same time."
"Acceptance doesn't mean approval. Acceptance says, 'I love you where you are.'"
"When your adult child strays and violates your values, when the relationship is tense or strained, they still have one question for you, even if they have wandered a very long way. 'Do you still love me?'"
"Ask yourself, 'Do I want to be right, or do I want to improve the relationship?' You can't have it both ways."
"Defensiveness shuts down connection...Don't drown in shallow water."
"Lord, teach me to parent the children I have, not the kids I thought I would have."
"Commit to creating a welcome mat culture that will make your home environment a place of peace, not pressure."
"If they don't call, don't visit, or forget to send a card on my birthday...in my 'good zone' I realize it's not about me. They are just living their lives. It doesn't mean they don't love me. It simply means that they were so caught up in their own stuff that they forgot."
"What are your triggers? Name them. And it will become easier to be adaptable and flexible in a relationship with your kids, or anyone else for that matter."
"Maturing is realizing how many things do not require your comment."
-Rachel Wolchin
"Their choices are now their choices. And they need to own their choices. This doesn't mean we stop caring. It means we stop controlling."
"I respectfully disagree."
"Whenever beliefs don't match behaviors, people change their beliefs to match their behaviors." -Pastor Jeff McGuire
"A parent should never mirror an adult child's anger with anger. Or their adult child's hurt with hurt...Instead, be the one who leads with calm, love, and grace."
"I've met hundreds of toxic addicts with regrets. I have never met a person who regretted choosing sobriety."
"Defensiveness is a form of self protection."
"How you respond to your adult child can either lessen the intensity of the situation or widen the gap."
"When you work at delicately breaking down the wall, you are aiming at their heart and not their actions. Even if their actions are breaking your heart."
===========
"Good and hard can coexist."
"The moment you begin to make the shift from control to connection, something powerful happens. Both you and your adult child are liberated."
"Just like when they were little, our grown children tend to learn more from real life experience than from our advice. The more we respect their independence, the more influence we actually gain. One of the great paradoxes of doing life with our adult children is that as we give our kids the freedom to fail, they grow up."
"Here is a phrase I've learned to use. 'That sounds really hard.' Then silence."
"Lead with love, even when you don't feel like it. Choose love and move forward."
"I can imagine God saying to you and to me, 'I know every sin in your life and every skeleton in your closet. I know your darkest thoughts. And I have a word for you. You are the apple of my eye.'"
"Tough love means not being mean-spirited or condemning. But rather allowing the natural consequences of poor decisions to unfold without bailing out our straying children."
"You can lead with love and kindness while still holding firm to healthy boundaries that build responsibility. It's possible to show empathy and practice tough love at the same time."
"Acceptance doesn't mean approval. Acceptance says, 'I love you where you are.'"
"When your adult child strays and violates your values, when the relationship is tense or strained, they still have one question for you, even if they have wandered a very long way. 'Do you still love me?'"
"Ask yourself, 'Do I want to be right, or do I want to improve the relationship?' You can't have it both ways."
"Defensiveness shuts down connection...Don't drown in shallow water."
"Lord, teach me to parent the children I have, not the kids I thought I would have."
"Commit to creating a welcome mat culture that will make your home environment a place of peace, not pressure."
"If they don't call, don't visit, or forget to send a card on my birthday...in my 'good zone' I realize it's not about me. They are just living their lives. It doesn't mean they don't love me. It simply means that they were so caught up in their own stuff that they forgot."
"What are your triggers? Name them. And it will become easier to be adaptable and flexible in a relationship with your kids, or anyone else for that matter."
"Maturing is realizing how many things do not require your comment."
-Rachel Wolchin
"Their choices are now their choices. And they need to own their choices. This doesn't mean we stop caring. It means we stop controlling."
"I respectfully disagree."
"Whenever beliefs don't match behaviors, people change their beliefs to match their behaviors." -Pastor Jeff McGuire
"A parent should never mirror an adult child's anger with anger. Or their adult child's hurt with hurt...Instead, be the one who leads with calm, love, and grace."
"I've met hundreds of toxic addicts with regrets. I have never met a person who regretted choosing sobriety."
"Defensiveness is a form of self protection."
"How you respond to your adult child can either lessen the intensity of the situation or widen the gap."
"When you work at delicately breaking down the wall, you are aiming at their heart and not their actions. Even if their actions are breaking your heart."
May 19, 2026
When Your Adult Child Strays: Trading Heartache for Hope
by Jim Burns
Thank you to Zondervan Books for the ARC 💛
⭐ 2 stars ⭐⭐
This was not the book for me. While I can appreciate the intention behind wanting parents to maintain loving relationships with their adult children, so much of this felt rooted in the idea that the adult child is somehow “lost” for having different beliefs, identities, values, or lifestyles than their parents. And honestly, that framing frustrated me throughout the entire read.
The biggest issue for me was the way topics like sexuality, gender, and faith deconstruction were approached. There is a huge difference between helping parents navigate difficult family dynamics and implying that an adult child’s identity or personal growth is something tragic to mourn or fix. That mindset made a lot of this feel uncomfortable and outdated to me.
There were moments of genuinely decent advice buried underneath the religious framing, especially around listening more, reacting less emotionally, and moving away from controlling behavior. But I kept wishing the book trusted adult children as fully realized people instead of positioning them as problems to solve.
What I Appreciated
• Encouraging parents to lower emotional reactivity
• Some thoughtful points about rebuilding trust
• Emphasis on maintaining connection rather than punishment
What Didn’t Work for Me
• Heavy religious framing throughout
• The treatment of sexuality and gender felt deeply frustrating
• Often came across as parents grieving individuality instead of accepting it
• Much of the advice felt conditional rather than truly accepting
At the end of the day, this book will probably resonate more with conservative Christian parents already looking for faith-based guidance. For me, though, it mostly reinforced how important it is for parents to love and accept their adult children as they actually are, not as who they expected them to become. 📚
by Jim Burns
Thank you to Zondervan Books for the ARC 💛
⭐ 2 stars ⭐⭐
This was not the book for me. While I can appreciate the intention behind wanting parents to maintain loving relationships with their adult children, so much of this felt rooted in the idea that the adult child is somehow “lost” for having different beliefs, identities, values, or lifestyles than their parents. And honestly, that framing frustrated me throughout the entire read.
The biggest issue for me was the way topics like sexuality, gender, and faith deconstruction were approached. There is a huge difference between helping parents navigate difficult family dynamics and implying that an adult child’s identity or personal growth is something tragic to mourn or fix. That mindset made a lot of this feel uncomfortable and outdated to me.
There were moments of genuinely decent advice buried underneath the religious framing, especially around listening more, reacting less emotionally, and moving away from controlling behavior. But I kept wishing the book trusted adult children as fully realized people instead of positioning them as problems to solve.
What I Appreciated
• Encouraging parents to lower emotional reactivity
• Some thoughtful points about rebuilding trust
• Emphasis on maintaining connection rather than punishment
What Didn’t Work for Me
• Heavy religious framing throughout
• The treatment of sexuality and gender felt deeply frustrating
• Often came across as parents grieving individuality instead of accepting it
• Much of the advice felt conditional rather than truly accepting
At the end of the day, this book will probably resonate more with conservative Christian parents already looking for faith-based guidance. For me, though, it mostly reinforced how important it is for parents to love and accept their adult children as they actually are, not as who they expected them to become. 📚
September 30, 2026
In When Your Adult Child Strays: Trading Heartache for Hope, family counselor and podcaster Dr. Jim Burns delivers an essential 192-page guide for parents navigating the deep grief and confusion that occurs when grown children diverge from family values, faith, or lifestyle choices. Addressing sensitive friction points—including political divides, religious shifts, sexuality, gender, and addiction—Burns offers parents a practical framework to shift from defensive reactivity toward constructive, boundary-respecting engagement.
Burns excels at providing clear, actionable paradigms to help parents de-escalate tension. By categorizing different relational dynamics (such as Nomads, Prodigals, and Exiles), he equips readers with tailored approaches for rebuilding trust and transitioning from an authoritative advice-giver to a supportive mentor. The book emphasizes validating feelings without compromising personal integrity, helping parents disentangle their self-worth from their adult children’s choices while fostering an environment primed for reconciliation and mutual respect.
Empathetic, highly practical, and spiritually reassuring, When Your Adult Child Strays is an outstanding recommendation for parents, pastoral care teams, and Christian counselors alongside works by Mary DeMuth, Dr. John Townsend, and Rob Rienow.
Burns excels at providing clear, actionable paradigms to help parents de-escalate tension. By categorizing different relational dynamics (such as Nomads, Prodigals, and Exiles), he equips readers with tailored approaches for rebuilding trust and transitioning from an authoritative advice-giver to a supportive mentor. The book emphasizes validating feelings without compromising personal integrity, helping parents disentangle their self-worth from their adult children’s choices while fostering an environment primed for reconciliation and mutual respect.
Empathetic, highly practical, and spiritually reassuring, When Your Adult Child Strays is an outstanding recommendation for parents, pastoral care teams, and Christian counselors alongside works by Mary DeMuth, Dr. John Townsend, and Rob Rienow.
June 23, 2026
The book gives many examples of reactions parents have when their adult child goes against the way they were raised. Approximately 27% of Americans report being estranged from a family member—most common between the ages 18-29. The author states it isn’t about being right or wrong. It’s about mending fences. He tells parents to take the lead in holding back, providing the adult child space and time to return to the relationship.
This is a timely book, as so many families are torn apart. Some will come back together, but some will remain estranged. It’s a sad truth. I found it interesting reading. The author includes comments from other authors and professionals.
This is a timely book, as so many families are torn apart. Some will come back together, but some will remain estranged. It’s a sad truth. I found it interesting reading. The author includes comments from other authors and professionals.
May 11, 2026
Love this book I audiobook it. I love his advice! So important that we show our children love and they make relationship more important than choices. To allow our kids to grow stretch their wings and decide who they are. And allow the Lord to lead them in their way and in their testimony. I feel Jim absolutely speaks to this way of thinking and helps you gain perspective on why it’s important. Hundred percent recommend this book. I was not fond of the narrator. I would’ve preferred Jim reading it. But I still glad I listened to it.
Review of advance copy
Here, I'll save you the time it would take to read this book:
If you're a fundamental Christian and your adult child strays, congratulations! Your adult child successfully escaped a cult!
If you're a fundamental Christian and your adult child strays, congratulations! Your adult child successfully escaped a cult!
July 1, 2026
This is a great book that gives practical advice on key areas of conflict & offers guidance on how to heal strained relationship.
October 1, 2026
An attempt was made. But too much of this is advice to be quiet about judging adult children rather than respecting them as individuals in their own right and trying to understand them as such.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews