NOTES:
Why are instants of reunion so empty? Perhaps because they are too anticipated, too muffled already at the moment of their coming with every previous imagining to make any mark of their own.
The gift of inconspicuousness is rarely given to those who most need its protection.
She has avoided thinking of him for so long that her uncomfortably exhaustive knowledge of his particularities is returning too late.
They’d known nothing better seized attention than violence, and that the rightness of theirs would be obvious, dedicated as it was to saving lives. They’d meant to persuade the most hawkish, resistant Americans, and been sure that they could—but after she’d gone underground Jenny realized they’d never known quite what they faced. They had known only like-minded people.
The kidnappers were a revolutionary cadre that nobody had heard of before, but they claimed kinship to a long list of better-known threats, like the Weather Underground and the Black Panther Party.
If William was right—if Watergate had made mainstream Americans more sympathetic to radicalism—something like this would exhaust that new sympathy quickly.
“You can’t strip our acts of their context and say they were crimes, and at the same time strip something like Vietnam of its crime, and call it a legitimate venture.” “Vietnam was a war. A distinct body of law applied to it.” “That doesn’t make it right.” “No, but your case will be decided on law.”
“I hope you weren’t expecting me to tell you that there’s some kind of Watergate amnesty for the government’s enemies. Your only advantage is the stuff that you know. You had a large circle of friends when you lived in Berkeley. Your boyfriend was convicted of bombing draft offices. At the time they were claimed by something called the People’s Army and no one believes that was just him alone, or even just him and you. If you surrender and offer no information you’re going to get a very hostile reception.”
There was a tape with the victim’s voice on it. “They’ve chosen me as a symbol of the problems of capitalism, Mom, Dad, and I think if you try you can see what their point is.” The victim detailed—clearly reading, her voice strangely girlish yet dull—the demand: that a week’s worth of “good, healthy food” be distributed to every California resident whose annual income was below the poverty line, or who suffered some form of social marginalization, or otherwise verifiably poor. Every person in need must be fed.
The girl’s nervousness seemed to alternate now with a different, peeved tone. “These people want you to know they’re not crazy. Don’t try to make them look crazy. Their message is a political message, it’s about poverty and the problems of capitalism, and I’m a symbol of all that, as they said. They are fulfilling the conditions of the Geneva Conventions . . . in accordance with the Codes of International War.”
“Today is April 3, 1974. I have been given the following choice: to be liberated to rejoin my family, or to join these comrades in their battle. My decision is made: I will stay with these comrades forever, because theirs is the only just battle there is. They are my family. My old family did not care for me; this new family does. My old family did not care for the poor; this new family does.” To go with her new life the girl had taken a new name: Pauline.
“I know that you’re just being nice,” she told him, “but we’re struggling for our brothers and sisters who’ve never had what we all got at birth, just for being born white. In terms of all that this is so self-indulgent.”
She knew the fugitive life worked much better when you avoided reference to the future.
Juan said suddenly. “Quit this ‘I’m in retirement’ attitude. You’ve got the chops. And you’ve got a brown skin.” “What does that have to do with it?” “You owe your people your leadership. You can’t go denying your race. You don’t just owe the revolution in general, you owe your people in particular.” “Human beings are my people.” “But that’s denying your race!” “Just because I’m a Japanese woman, you can’t define me in terms of just that. And I’m not in retirement. I don’t know what you mean when you say that.” “I don’t see you lifting a finger for the revolution.” “How about what I’m doing right now, devoting myself to a madman like you?”
“All I’m saying,” Juan said, “is your skin is a privilege. Your Third World perspective’s a privilege.”
She’s still got to learn that there’s no substitute for a Third World perspective like yours. Brown, yellow, black, red: those are four things that she’ll never be. And she isn’t just white, she’s a filthy rich white. Y and I are from the Midwest, and I’m not saying our town wasn’t racist, or that we don’t have a taint that we’ll never repair. But at least we’re blue-collar. We can relate to working brothers and sisters all over the world. Pauline’s a big step behind us that way, and she’d like to pretend that she isn’t. That’s why you’re a good lesson. She sees your reality and knows that she won’t ever know it. Like I tell her, she can’t kill what she is. She can only atone.”
“Her consciousness is our responsibility. It’s up to us to undo the wrong thinking she’s done all her life.” “But it’s wrong to condemn her because of her background! She can’t be faulted for where she comes from. That’s as bad as racism.”
“My dad did the same thing. But in World War II, not Vietnam. He was angry that the government put all the Japanese people in prison.” “Who put all the Japanese people in prison?” “The government. After Pearl Harbor. Not prison, but a camp that was just like a prison. Even if you were an American citizen, if your parents or grandparents were Japanese you got put into prison because you might be a spy. We were at war with Germany and Italy too, but if you were German or Italian that was fine. It was just the Japanese that got put into camps.” “I never heard that in school.” She shrugged. “They never teach it.” “You’re shitting me, right?” “No. I’m not.” She threw back another long draught of beer. “How much do they teach you in school about slavery?” “Right on,” Thomas grinned. “They don’t teach us shit about that.
Her discovery of what he’d endured was the beginning of her discovery of history and politics, of power and oppression, of brotherhood and racism, and finally, of radicalism; but it only drove them to fight with each other. As she grew increasingly involved in the antiwar movement she and her father fought with increasing fury, but not increasing complexity—never about issues, never about the war itself, only about her arrogance, or perhaps it was her stupidity, or her naivete, in daring to oppose it.
In spite of how well she had done on the tests, the Stockton psychologist had put her back three grades, perhaps to make a point about the superiority of American versus Japanese schools.
Radicalism, Jenny thought sometimes, was like Catholicism, with its extreme self-referentiality, its strict liturgy, its all-explaining view of the world, its absolute Satan, and its deadly sins, of which surrender was one—the very worst, arguably.
That had taken her so long to learn: that you could end awkward moments by holding your tongue. Oh, the tongue!—which she so often thought of now that she’d returned. The tongue that had been so shy when it met William Weeks and then so voracious once he’d finished with it. Not just voracious to prosecute wrongs but to change standard vision, to challenge as William would challenge, to hammer on innocent comments, make people think twice, knock away their complacence.
More and more she thought of revolution not as mustered force that might topple The System, but as a delicate process of changing individual minds, or as the rare chance to try.
In their group they had been discussing the problem of women’s role in the revolution, and had finally opened their eyes to the fact that everywhere in the world, women followed. Even history’s most notable women revolutionaries were the helpmeets to more-worshipped men.
Jenny didn’t know this, but when she was a little girl he’d dreamed of moving with her to New York. He’d thought it was the place he could teach her to be a citizen of the world, a Universal Human. Neither American nor Japanese, but New Yorker—it was a romantic idea, he knew. Being San Franciscan or Los Angelean never held the same promise for him.
He’d always associated the journey East with the final achievement of American belonging, sheared free of ethnicity. He saw it as something to be sheared free of, yes. Yet they never did make the trip East, or rather, they went backwards, to the wrong East, Japan.
As much as she’d thought she was fighting for justice, perhaps what she’d wanted was less justice than vengeance—because justice wasn’t an eye for an eye, an act of violence to match acts of violence. Even if the violence was planned to occur late at night, when not a janitor roamed the long halls. Even if it was staged as a symbol. She had never believed in violence as a provocation, as a means to incite revolution by inciting the government to repress its own people.
But nevertheless she’d believed in violence—as the only reliable way to seize people’s attention. As a means toward enlightenment. And, perhaps, as a way to wreak vengeance; she feared this about herself now, as she seethed in her cell.
Afterwards she’d so urgently tried to refute: that a passion for rightness was never enough, that one’s every attempt would be futile. That in the end the only way to protest was by simply removing oneself from the world.
In the past, with William, she’d believed high intentions gave her the right to use violence; the same violence she abhorred in her government, and even among other comrades whose aims weren’t sufficiently pure. But it wasn’t intentions, however lofty or petty, that mattered, but how things turned out.
Jenny’s anger at her nation’s abuses; the patriotic American’s anger at subversives like her. The anger of the young men who’d risked their lives fighting and come home to be spat on by peers. The anger of the Vietnamese—although it was hard to know, caught up in the rage and confusion at home, if the Vietnamese were most rightly described as “angry.”
She felt like a token for the first time in her life. “The model minority,” the one extended privileges as an example to the rest of her less worthy kin—she thought of Thomas again, Thomas who was honest and loyal and open and who perhaps all his life, if the world didn’t embitter and ruin him, would be rewarded for being better than expected, for not being a “typical black.”
Selflessly, rationally, always bearing in mind that the work of the struggle is more important than the trials of the heart, William offered her everything he could give from his own prison cell but his previous love. She received the same love he extended to all humankind. He never upbraided her for leaving him, and this rationality of his, whether a put-on or not, was another shocking loss, though she knew it was enormously selfish to want the man that you no longer loved to keep pining for you. He finally, quietly let her go, let three months pass before answering one of her letters. She knew then to stop writing back.