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The Human Santapede
Santa Claus is coming to town...at least, that was the plan, but now his elves have started going missing, kidnapped by some insidious figure in a black cloak, and despite the magic swirling about the place, the toys aren't going to put themselves together. So begins a terrifying game of cat and mouse as Kris Kringle searches The Land of Christmas for his abducted minions, unaware that he is to play an integral part in his foe's plans.
Krampus is pissed at Santa after lending him his snowblower and never getting it back. His punishment? To build a Human Santapede long enough to stretch around The Land of Christmas, and at its helm, the jolly fat man himself. Can Santa - aided by his best foreman, Finklefoot - get his elves back, defeat Krampus, and save Christmas before it is too late, or will Krampus succeed in creating the ghastliest single-file organism the North Pole has ever seen?
Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, things are about to get messy...
Krampus is pissed at Santa after lending him his snowblower and never getting it back. His punishment? To build a Human Santapede long enough to stretch around The Land of Christmas, and at its helm, the jolly fat man himself. Can Santa - aided by his best foreman, Finklefoot - get his elves back, defeat Krampus, and save Christmas before it is too late, or will Krampus succeed in creating the ghastliest single-file organism the North Pole has ever seen?
Ho-Ho-Holy Shit, things are about to get messy...
182 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 15, 2014
42 people are currently reading
250 people want to read
About the author
Adam Millard
131 books178 followersAdam Millard is the author of twenty novels, twelve novellas, and more than two hundred short stories, which can be found in various collections and anthologies. Probably best known for his post-apocalyptic fiction, Adam also writes fantasy/horror for children and Bizarro fiction for several publishers. His work has recently been translated for the German market.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 83 reviews
December 28, 2015
3.5 stars, rounded up for christmas.
"but karen, you NEVER star-rate your monsterporn!"
and it's true, but even more surprising - despite this cover, this is not monsterporn. it fooled me, too! i'll review it (and the thirty other books i have fallen behind on reviewing - eek!) soon, but for now, enjoy your holidays and your clean brains knowing nothing about human santapedes.
"but karen, you NEVER star-rate your monsterporn!"
and it's true, but even more surprising - despite this cover, this is not monsterporn. it fooled me, too! i'll review it (and the thirty other books i have fallen behind on reviewing - eek!) soon, but for now, enjoy your holidays and your clean brains knowing nothing about human santapedes.
December 30, 2021
If Christmas tends to bring out your inner Scrooge, then the perfect antidote to all of that fake snow and manufactured jolliness has to be this gloriously perverse and scatological tale by Adam Millard.
That cover is sheer brilliance, but does not really convey how brilliantly and consistently funny this is. There are enough pop culture references and one-line zingers to make your head spin on your shoulders like Linda Blair. And if you are thinking where pea soup fits into all of this, I have one word for you: Curry.
One star off my rating for the large number of sloppy typos, especially due to the running grammar gag as to whether it should be ‘The (In)Human Santapede’, as technically no humans were involved, harmed or endangered.
That cover is sheer brilliance, but does not really convey how brilliantly and consistently funny this is. There are enough pop culture references and one-line zingers to make your head spin on your shoulders like Linda Blair. And if you are thinking where pea soup fits into all of this, I have one word for you: Curry.
One star off my rating for the large number of sloppy typos, especially due to the running grammar gag as to whether it should be ‘The (In)Human Santapede’, as technically no humans were involved, harmed or endangered.
July 19, 2016
If you're a fan of horror films, you've probably heard of a little film called The Human Centipede. It's a fantastic concept for a gross-out film, but the end result was not executed all that well. The movie is clunky, badly paced and never quite lives up to the core concept that you bought your ticket for.
For those of you who remain uninitiated, a Human Centipede is created when three or more people are sewn arse-to-mouth, forming one single digestive system.
Wowzers.
I clicked on the link in the Kindle store based on the title alone, in a moment of pure 'are you fucking kidding me?'
After I finished laughing, I took a good look at the cover. That's what cinched it. I had to buy it.
I didn't expect much, to be honest. It's just a joke book, a cash grab, right? A shocking title and cover designed to trick you into spending a dollar on crap, right?
You're absolutely, 100%, wrong. Yes, the title and cover are designed to shock you, but Adam Millard's The Human Santapede is a fantastic and hilarious piece of Bizarro fiction.
The Land of Christmas is beset by a hooded figure who is kidnapping The Fat Bastard's elves, then performing abhorrent medical procedures on them. This evil figure is sewing the elves arse to mouth, with the ultimate aim of kidnapping Santa himself and making him the figurehead of this shuffling man-made meat train.
It's up to an Elf named Finklefoot, Santa's seventh Second-In-Command, to find the missing elves, and stop the dastardly villain from destroying Christmas!
I haven't laughed out loud this much since my last read through of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Not only that, it's surprisingly well written, and has a more coherent and well-executed plot than the films it is parodying.
The humour is bawdy and exploitative, with quite a few jokes at the expense of popular culture. My one criticism of the story is that I found that Millard actually pulls his punches when it comes to the blood, guts and excrement. While the concept itself is utterly repugnant, the writing remains quite aloof and humourous throughout, without dwelling on the nasty particulars. This is good news for some, but will be a disappointment to others.
Not everyone is going to like this book, but I loved it. For a dollar and change, what have you got to lose, except your lunch?
I give this book a Hell Yeah.
For those of you who remain uninitiated, a Human Centipede is created when three or more people are sewn arse-to-mouth, forming one single digestive system.
Wowzers.
I clicked on the link in the Kindle store based on the title alone, in a moment of pure 'are you fucking kidding me?'
After I finished laughing, I took a good look at the cover. That's what cinched it. I had to buy it.
I didn't expect much, to be honest. It's just a joke book, a cash grab, right? A shocking title and cover designed to trick you into spending a dollar on crap, right?
You're absolutely, 100%, wrong. Yes, the title and cover are designed to shock you, but Adam Millard's The Human Santapede is a fantastic and hilarious piece of Bizarro fiction.
The Land of Christmas is beset by a hooded figure who is kidnapping The Fat Bastard's elves, then performing abhorrent medical procedures on them. This evil figure is sewing the elves arse to mouth, with the ultimate aim of kidnapping Santa himself and making him the figurehead of this shuffling man-made meat train.
It's up to an Elf named Finklefoot, Santa's seventh Second-In-Command, to find the missing elves, and stop the dastardly villain from destroying Christmas!
I haven't laughed out loud this much since my last read through of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. Not only that, it's surprisingly well written, and has a more coherent and well-executed plot than the films it is parodying.
The humour is bawdy and exploitative, with quite a few jokes at the expense of popular culture. My one criticism of the story is that I found that Millard actually pulls his punches when it comes to the blood, guts and excrement. While the concept itself is utterly repugnant, the writing remains quite aloof and humourous throughout, without dwelling on the nasty particulars. This is good news for some, but will be a disappointment to others.
Not everyone is going to like this book, but I loved it. For a dollar and change, what have you got to lose, except your lunch?
I give this book a Hell Yeah.
December 14, 2023
I was just looking through Amazon for some Christmas horror books when I stumbled across this cover, spat out my eggnog, and dropped my candy canes. How could I NOT BUY THIS? I am one of the rare people on the planet who actually thought the first Human Centipede movie was good: I thought it was creepy, not OVERLY disgusting (like people assume it is going to be and NOT like the second one), and had some awesome cinematography!
And this cover! It had me rolling! I love it!
I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did. I'll be honest. But it had just the right amount of dark humor mixed with horror elements sprinkled with pop culture insults. I found myself laughing, rolling my eyes, and a couple times even grimacing through the details. The book read quickly and I loved the twists it took on the Santa we grew up with, his wife, his elves, his reindeer, and even of his biggest nemesis, Krampus.
I looked at some of Adam Millard's bibliography and have already found 4 more books that I KNOW I want to read and a few more that I need to research a little more and also see if I like his writing in more books. I give this one 3.5 out of 5 (rounded up to 4 as I am in the holiday spirit!) as it was some entertaining holiday fun! I truly think people will enjoy this more than they may give themselves credits for up front just base on initial judgments... but I will let everyone make their own minds up about The Human Santapede! Or should it be Inhuman Santapede? Or would (In)Human Santapede be best? You can be the one to decide!
And this cover! It had me rolling! I love it!
I did not expect to enjoy this book as much as I did. I'll be honest. But it had just the right amount of dark humor mixed with horror elements sprinkled with pop culture insults. I found myself laughing, rolling my eyes, and a couple times even grimacing through the details. The book read quickly and I loved the twists it took on the Santa we grew up with, his wife, his elves, his reindeer, and even of his biggest nemesis, Krampus.
I looked at some of Adam Millard's bibliography and have already found 4 more books that I KNOW I want to read and a few more that I need to research a little more and also see if I like his writing in more books. I give this one 3.5 out of 5 (rounded up to 4 as I am in the holiday spirit!) as it was some entertaining holiday fun! I truly think people will enjoy this more than they may give themselves credits for up front just base on initial judgments... but I will let everyone make their own minds up about The Human Santapede! Or should it be Inhuman Santapede? Or would (In)Human Santapede be best? You can be the one to decide!
Want to read
December 5, 2014Officially the worst/best thing this holiday season.
July 15, 2016
First, have you seen The Human Centipede (First Sequence), or The Full Sequence, or The Final Sequence? It may not be necessary to see the movie(s), but it gives you a better feel for just how bad things are going to get, and just how bad that 'we had curry for dinner' joke really is! (South Park spoofed it pretty disgustingly). I'm only kidding - Adam has re-imagined yet another *[beloved] classic, and made The **[in]Human Santapede into what is sure to be one of my favorite things for many upcoming holiday seasons!
Taking subtle shots at Warwick Davis, Furbys, and E.L. James, Adam had me cracking up through another story that ended way to soon.
In the Land of Christmas, joy & laughter spread like wildfire & chlamydia. Mrs. Claus is a ex-stripper, and a bitch-faced whore, who (in my mind) looks like a filthy, filthy Jessica Rabbit. Elves are missing, and Rudolph is nowhere to be seen. Someone is out to ruin the holiday this year, and Finklefoot is going to find out who it is!
Finklefoot isn’t about to save Christmas, or The Fat Bastard, for free. No sir. He, (and every other elf), wants a song written about him – one that will tell his story, and get stuck in the minds of humans everywhere for years to come.
Join the discussion on BBB ;)
December 23, 2017
What great fun, this novel had me smiling and chuckling throughout and definitely made my holiday season more joyous. Millard wrote a very entertaining book using humour in what I felt was a very smart way, never over doing it, using classic jokes and pop culture references very effectively.
December 9, 2021
A disgruntled worker at the North Pole decided to ruin Christmas and began abducting elves and other key people to place them in a human chain called a Santapede. This is a funny book and had me laughing throughout. Two thirds of the references were international; perhaps the other third were distinctly British. Most any reader should find plenty to laugh at here.
December 17, 2014
A terrific no holds barred spoof on Christmas and Santa Claus. The one liners just kept coming. I was laughing out loud at some parts. Definitely a fun break from all the sugary sweetness
February 17, 2024
This was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, sure it's crude, and it may offend some people, but it was also a lot of fun, and I liked it.
December 28, 2017
3.5 rounded up. Review to come.
December 13, 2021
This was a fun addition to my Christmas themed horror reading binge. It had me laughing one minute and nauseated the next. I loved that it had other Christmas characters not normally talked about as well as the normal ones.
December 9, 2021
What can you say about a book such as this? Adam Millard takes the dream of every young boy and makes it a reality in this heartwarming Christmas tale about a village that comes together to celebrate the holidays in style!
February 27, 2023
4🌟 Hilarious, just read it.
December 26, 2021
Not funny at all.
January 4, 2017
Wow. Well, this is what happens when you join a book club with super diverse members. We all have our favorite genres, I suppose! Open minds, folks. Open minds.
I'm not even really sure how to review this book. It's pretty well self-explanatory. An evil Christmas maniac gets his panties in a wad for a whole number of reasons and decides to take revenge by sewing Santa, reindeer, and 51 elves ass-to-mouth forming an (in)Human Santapede.
It is, of course, a work of satire, playing off the unfortunate horror movie of similar title and theme (The Human Centipede). Surprisingly, there was quite a bit more humor than disgust for me while reading The Human Santapede, and the occasional moments of nausea passed quickly as the author seemed careful to throw in a joke or light-hearted exchange fairly immediately after a reference to... less pleasant things.
Overall? It's not one I would have picked on my own, but it's not the worst thing I've ever read.
I'm not even really sure how to review this book. It's pretty well self-explanatory. An evil Christmas maniac gets his panties in a wad for a whole number of reasons and decides to take revenge by sewing Santa, reindeer, and 51 elves ass-to-mouth forming an (in)Human Santapede.
It is, of course, a work of satire, playing off the unfortunate horror movie of similar title and theme (The Human Centipede). Surprisingly, there was quite a bit more humor than disgust for me while reading The Human Santapede, and the occasional moments of nausea passed quickly as the author seemed careful to throw in a joke or light-hearted exchange fairly immediately after a reference to... less pleasant things.
Overall? It's not one I would have picked on my own, but it's not the worst thing I've ever read.
January 10, 2023
Brilliant!!
I saw this posted somewhere and thought well that will be a fast dumb read and I was pleasantly surprised at how hilarious and well written it is! Great little story I need to check out more from the author now.
I saw this posted somewhere and thought well that will be a fast dumb read and I was pleasantly surprised at how hilarious and well written it is! Great little story I need to check out more from the author now.
December 27, 2021
Fancy a Christmas Caper with a difference? - then maybe this is the answer.
A humorous British Bizarro story set in the ‘Land of Christmas’ which will not quickly be forgotten.
Lots of absurdly unique, ridiculous fun events and ideas involving a large set of known and lesser known characters which keep the entertainment just rolling along.
Adult, mildly offensive and slightly cringeworthy on occasion, but nothing that should be taken too seriously.
Generally enjoyed the story which, for full effect, should definitely be read over the Christmas period.
Rating: 3.2 snowy white stars of mirth and merriment.
A humorous British Bizarro story set in the ‘Land of Christmas’ which will not quickly be forgotten.
Lots of absurdly unique, ridiculous fun events and ideas involving a large set of known and lesser known characters which keep the entertainment just rolling along.
Adult, mildly offensive and slightly cringeworthy on occasion, but nothing that should be taken too seriously.
Generally enjoyed the story which, for full effect, should definitely be read over the Christmas period.
Rating: 3.2 snowy white stars of mirth and merriment.
December 23, 2021
Not so-bad-it’s-good. Just bad.
December 2, 2023
Really enjoyed this so so funny and gross fab alternative Xmas read!
December 21, 2024
A parody, Christmas style 😄
December 21, 2024
I’m so sorry mom
December 23, 2021
Unimaginably dull
Repetitive jokes, silly plot, casual racism, and a bizarre hatred of popular music. There is nothing good to be found here.
Repetitive jokes, silly plot, casual racism, and a bizarre hatred of popular music. There is nothing good to be found here.
December 22, 2022
Absolutely ridiculous, but so fun.
December 26, 2025
horrendous
December 24, 2018
If you dont have a sense of humor, stay far away.
"This is The Land of Christmas, where joy and laughter are spread like wildfire and chlamydia."
I love a good satirical horror book as much as the next guy. I saw someone buy this book and just knew it was what I needed for the Christmas season. A good old fashioned disgusting laugh, and Adam Millard provided me with that.
I don't know if I've ever laughed so much. For me,reading this was like watching Scary Movie: so stupid that you either have to laugh or call it what it is and leave it. I laughed and enjoyed this silly, weird (In)Human Santapede parade because I have the sense of humor of a five year old.
I doubt most people enjoying this sort of humor, and some of the jokes weren't really my thing or overused, which is why I knocked off a star, seeing as the book wasn't incredibly long to begin with, but it still made for an enjoyable experience, and I may even read it again. Like a new Christmas tradition.
Basically, I had hoped for a weird, silly horror story when I bought this and I wasn't disappointed. I got exactly what I hoped for and I can wait to read another novel from this author.
"This is The Land of Christmas, where joy and laughter are spread like wildfire and chlamydia."
I love a good satirical horror book as much as the next guy. I saw someone buy this book and just knew it was what I needed for the Christmas season. A good old fashioned disgusting laugh, and Adam Millard provided me with that.
I don't know if I've ever laughed so much. For me,reading this was like watching Scary Movie: so stupid that you either have to laugh or call it what it is and leave it. I laughed and enjoyed this silly, weird (In)Human Santapede parade because I have the sense of humor of a five year old.
I doubt most people enjoying this sort of humor, and some of the jokes weren't really my thing or overused, which is why I knocked off a star, seeing as the book wasn't incredibly long to begin with, but it still made for an enjoyable experience, and I may even read it again. Like a new Christmas tradition.
Basically, I had hoped for a weird, silly horror story when I bought this and I wasn't disappointed. I got exactly what I hoped for and I can wait to read another novel from this author.
February 16, 2020
Entertaining and raunchy, this wild little nugget was fun to read during the holidays. I'm not a fan of humour and wanted it to be more horror. As a huge fan of all of the film entries this is named loosely after, I was looking for something darker. If it were renamed I may have not picked it up; had it lived up to the first two films more than the third I'd have not been able to put it down. So, 2.5 stars really as it teeters on my fence.
January 3, 2023
Tbf, this one was actually very fun. It did succeed in making me laugh sometimes and, despite the plot being literally insane, it was well-written enough to keep me engaged.
Also, for everyone wondering, it’s not that graphic re the whole Santapede thing. The wording is mostly pretty vague, a lot of it is left up to your imagination 🌈
4/5 ⭐️ from me, it’s on KU so I didn’t have to spend any additional money on it which is probably a good thing tbh.
Also, for everyone wondering, it’s not that graphic re the whole Santapede thing. The wording is mostly pretty vague, a lot of it is left up to your imagination 🌈
4/5 ⭐️ from me, it’s on KU so I didn’t have to spend any additional money on it which is probably a good thing tbh.
January 15, 2015
This was the perfect addition to my holiday reading.
December 25, 2014
Creo que no encontré mejor fecha que hoy para terminar este libro, mala idea leerlo en la micro o en la calle debido a los ataques de risa que me provocó en más de una ocasión.
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