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224 pages, Paperback
First published May 7, 2021
‘The paths through the landscape are a feat of memory that we create with the landscape and with the other people who have walked and are walking through it.’
‘The landscape is an archive of memory.’![]()
“This eternal, fertile and dread-laden stream inside us. This fundamental question: do you want to remember or forget? Either way, something will grow. A path, a scar in the mind, a sorrow that you cannot grasp, because it belongs to someone else. All that must be carried alone. All that cannot be told. Your story emerges in flashes, or as ripples on the surface, before diving down again. Your memories want you and do not want you. Your story is the one you share with others and the one you must live with, in yourself, and no matter what, you are led along. You are moved, transported, forced to wander down all these tracks, into the light, into the dark, into nothing.”![]()
“I shut my eyes, as I said, and then it came: I want a storm surge, I thought. I want a north-west wind, fierce and hard. I want trees so battered and beaten they’re crawling over the ground. I want beach grass, lyme grass, crowberry stalks and heather that prick my calves until they bleed, and salt crystallizing on my skin. I want vast expanses, wasteland, wind-blasted stone, mountainous dunes and a body language I understand. I want to wake beneath a sky that is grey and miserable, but which creates a space of colossal dimensions in a second, when the light comes ashore. A horizon is what I want, and I want solitude. Healthy solitude, and I want intimacy, true intimacy. I no longer want to be anyone but myself.”
Like my mother with her fiery red hair....she rode a scooter and backcombed her hair. At school, she was teased for its coppery redness, but she dreamt that it was passed down from an ancestor who had sailed the seven seas. When my dad introduced her to his parents, my grandmother said, "We'll never get that red hair out of the family now," and so it was: my mother passed her red hair on to me.That made me laugh, because it sounds so much like something my own grandmother would have said.
It was there, one day when I was eleven, that I was nearly dragged out to sea by a wave. I was holding my mother's hand; it was August. My mother grabbed my leg, and we both skidded on the shingle until it let us go. Afterward we sat and cried a bit. Grazes on our legs, blood. My mother was clutching my hand and wouldn't let go. Since then I've called them Valkyrie waves, the kind that rove in from the North Sea in long, elegant swells on otherwise mild days. They'll take you to sea if they can. I'm afraid of them, and every time I see them, I remember love.And later:
I thought of my mother, walking around Skagen Museum and dreaming of a studio with north-facing windows. She walked here dreaming of a life of grapes on pale dishes and Dad's hunting dog at her feet. But in reality, that dog ate our shoes. At some point it learned to open doors with its paws. One time it mauled Dad's poultry to death, and it wouldn't listen to anyone, not anyone. But my mum dreamt of a life of contemplative beauty under a grand sky, with rose bushes in the garden, on her own terms, and I pottered around in my own dreams: of being like the ladies in the pictures. Yes, when you grow up, you will walk on eternally mild summer beaches. You will sit by the paraffin lamp and write while your lover is occupied with his own tasks in the background. You will become a real and beautiful person. You will, but you couldn't, and so you became something else: a movement pinned in one place.She writes equally well of her father, and much else besides. This is a beautiful piece of writing that I will be re-reading for many years to come.
You carry the place you come from inside you, but you can never go back to it.
I longed … to live my brief and arbitrary life while I still have it.
This eternal, fertile and dread-laden stream inside us. This fundamental question: do you want to remember or forget?