Burn the Haystack: Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter

by Jennie Young

It’s time for a feminist dating revolution! The eagerly awaited first book by the creator of the Burned Haystack Dating Method who’s transforming the dating world by helping you ditch the duds, preserve your peace, and find your needle.

How do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn the haystack to the ground.
Among Dr. Jennie Young’s legion of fans, the “needle” is a long-term, committed partner and the “haystack” is the group of men available to date. So often women are advised to “give the guy a chance”—even if the guy is a lazy communicator or looking for someone “fluent in sarcasm.” Young’s refreshing approach to online dating turns this advice on its head: Give almost no one a chance.

A professor of rhetoric and women’s and gender studies, Young has built a career teaching people how to decode the hidden meanings in ordinary communication. Fascinated (and frustrated) by the rhetorical gambits she saw in men’s profiles when she first downloaded a dating app, she created Burned Haystack to help other women navigate the nonsense and find their needles. Her method has quickly spread to more than 250,000 followers and become the smart woman’s guide to online dating sanity.

Young has revolutionized the dating lexicon, calling out rhetorical patterns to watch for in men’s communication:

“I’m a very busy man!”: Leading with this language establishes him at the top of the hierarchy and frames him as a reward for a worthy woman.

Test and Apologize: He texts something sexual, then apologizes before she can respond, pretending it was an “accident.” He’s testing if she’ll be okay with immediate objectification. The test is real; the apology isn’t.

“My kids come first”: Taken literally, this sounds like a good dad. But if you examine the subtext and the context, he’s in effect saying, “Don’t expect too much from me.”

Young’s engaging system empowers readers to sort through profiles quickly and effectively, preserving both time and sanity. And with its blend of scathing humor and academic rigor, Burn the Haystack is so much more than a dating tool—it gives women the skills to break down communication from the classroom to the boardroom and everywhere in between, and the confidence to approach life with a deeper, more powerful level of understanding.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Self Help, Womens, Audiobook, Relationships, The United States Of America

320 pages, Hardcover

Published April 7, 2026

About the author

Jennie Young, PhD, is the creator of Burned Haystack Dating Method and a professor of writing and rhetoric at University of Wisconsin, Green Bay. She publishes work in humor, feminism, applied rhetoric, dating dynamics, and education. Her writing can be seen in McSweeney’s, Ms. magazine, The Independent, Huffpost, Inside Higher Ed, and elsewhere. Also the author of a textbook that applies critical discourse analysis to contemporary high school culture, Young focuses on public scholarship, making academic content accessible for everyone.

source: Amazon

Reviews

[Mandy Partridge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jennie Young applies her study of Rhetoric to online dating, helping women world-wide, and being hilarious.
I've read a lot of Jennie's writing on the socials, and she exhibits genius is classifying different types of un-date-able men. I laughed so hard when I recognised the "I'm a very busy man", and the "I'm the prize", and "directive" types of men whom I have dated.
The rhetorical patterns which Dr Young recognises are universal, and can apply to all sorts of relationships outside of dating, like families and work. Learning to recognise toxic words, phrases and patterns helps us to understand not just men, but ourselves and our families too. And Jennie offers helpful advice on cutting contact, in order to burn the haystack of applicants.
Decent men are out there, and this book will help you to sift through the liars, narcissists and slackers, not to mention conmen and cat-fishers, and find the needle in the haystack.

[Andrea McDowell · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is impossible to be a single woman online without hearing about BHD -- or maybe it's impossible to be a moderately liberal/leftie single woman online without hearing about it -- or maybe it's entirely possible to skip it altogether and it's only my algorithm. Hopefully I'll find out in the comments.

At any rate, it was all over my IG, but something just felt off to me. My relationship with it was a lot like my relationship with the apps, come to think about it. I'd follow, participate a little, then see something that rubbed me the wrong way and sign off.

So I was curious enough to read the book, but not to want to pay for it. This is a review of the Spotify edition. My rating is a solid 2.5, currently rounded up, and this may change in a few weeks if/when I get the print version from the library.

I did test this approach, by the way. I joined Hinge and 'blocked to burn' anyone who used any of these rhetorical patterns or other personal dealbreakers, like smoking. There was no secret pool of better matches revealed. Instead, it showed me men increasingly older, younger, or further away, until I got the dreaded "expand your filters" prompt. It took about a month. Same on Match. Honestly, I don't care, because while I would very much like a good partnership, it is not in the specific way Jennie or her core readership does.

What I was looking for was some confidence that these tools could help me identify abusive men; I entered into this in good faith, but I feel less confident now. I was already blocking these guys; so many of the examples are fish in a barrel that I don't think they help. It's not the men saying "you'd better be hot, smart, submissive and feminine" in their profiles we need help with; it's the ones saying "just be yourself!" or "please be kind." This is where quantitative research would really help; more on this below.

Pros: Jennie is very funny with a solid academic background; her principles seem sound; I like her commitment to financial and technological accessibility (read: free and easy to find); and I found many of her rhetorical patterns clarifying in a "oh, THAT'S why that always bugged me" kind of way. She seems genuinely kind. And she's coming from a well-defined pro-woman orientation.

Cons: Note I said pro-woman, not feminist. The rules and patterns are both less radical and more anti-male, somehow, than I would want. The community she extols may once have been the one she describes, and she may still experience it that way herself, but it doesn't function that way currently and this ought to be obvious. Overall, there's too much confidence based on too little evidence, as her work is 100% anecdotal and filtered by her personally with all cognitive biases intact and not reflected on. There is no discussion of psychology, which is a significant weakness.

The strengths are worth reading the book for if you're single, female, straight, and have ever considered using dating apps. You'll probably pick up some useful info and feel validated in your own perceptions and intuitions about profiles and conversations. I know I do. But I'm going to dig into the cons because they pose risk factors that are not addressed.

Anecdotal: This is, generously, based on case studies. But only case studies of people Jennie has interacted with directly who provided her the information she's seeking, which is that her methods work. It's unclear if she's ever received submissions like "I tried your methods and ended up with a stalker," and, if so, how she handled or responded to them. Every case study shared in her book is a "success story," a single straight woman who implemented the methods and ended up with a "needle," meaning a single straight man who has over a period of months shown himself to be a decent partner.

It is possible to do quantitative studies, and some social scientists have: I'm thinking about Sam Gosling's work and writing on comparing a reader's assessment of a person's personality based on their FB page, compared to validated personality test results. What I took from his book was that yes, you can tell someone's personality based from things like FB profiles, MySpace, playlists, room decoration, clothes, etc.; but you're probably picking up on the wrong cues and it's less accurate than people assume, without training.

I would love to see someone pick up Young's ideas and do these kinds of studies, comparing the assessments women make of these dating profiles based on the rhetorical patterns Jennie lists, and then having the men do personality tests or similar and participate in interviews to compare. Yes, intuitively, they make sense; but I want data.

The success stories concern me for another reason that ties into the next bit: red flags for abusive relationships include a too-good-to-be-true beginning and a relationship that moves much too quickly. Most of her success stories are women writing after a few months of dating and a lot of them sound too good to be true. She herself started posting about her "needle" a few months after meeting him. She writes in the book that she's been criticized on this point before and dismissed them all as Debbie Downers, but that's ridiculous. You honestly just cannot assess someone's character and reliability that early on. Anyone can fake it for a few months, or even a few years. The last man I was in a relationship with presented himself as a pro-feminist liberal who believed in partnerships based on trust, accountability, respect, and honesty, for a year -- right up until a few weeks after he moved into my house, when all hell broke loose. And I've talked to women who were engaged to men who faked it for years, until the honeymoon.

Psychology: Extensive work and writing has been done like this, but the target audience has largely been women coming out of abusive relationships. Her ignorance of this subject area is clear. It's not just conditioning and socialization that coach women into being too generous, too patient, too tolerant, etc.. Women who score high on agreeableness and conscientiousness (two of the big five personality traits, a topic I'd recommend anyone look into, and traits which are about 50% genetic) project those qualities onto everyone they interact with, romantically or otherwise, and see trust, reliability, care, etc., where it just isn't. Having a toolbox of rhetorical patterns to identify damaging men may help to avoid some toxic relationships, but it is not going to fundamentally undo someone's baseline character orientation, and the bone-deep inclination of giving benefit of the doubt where it's not deserved. And a woman without that orientation will hardly need this; she's already skeptical.

She writes in a few spots that toxic and abusive men "hate" and avoid women with strong boundaries and so on. Not true. Some of them do. Some of them thrive on taking a strong woman down. The idea that the "right" kind of woman or behaviour will repel abusive men is pretty sexist and victim-blaming, if you think about it. (She also responded to a woman posting on her FB community about an abusive relationship she'd come out of and how she was afraid of getting into another one that "in my experience, women learn these patterns and red flags and don't get into another relationship like this"; 80% of women who have had one abusive relationship will go on to have another one. This annoyed me but is not specifically relevant to the book.)

She writes, here and elsewhere, that we don't need to worry about men studying these patterns to game them and gain an advantage because "men are lazy" and won't put in the work. That's probably usually true (not sure about the lazy part, but yes, someone who isn't reading your profile is almost certainly not reading Jennie Young's book), but not always, and definitely not the dangerous ones. Look, spend any time in communities for women after abusive relationships, and you will hear over and over again about men who spent years and thousands of dollars in therapy specifically to learn better ways of abusing and manipulating their female partners. And sure, the kinds of psychopaths who are going to adeptly manipulate language this way are "only 1% of the population" but over millions of men that's a lot of men, in real numbers, and a lot of women in real numbers. Again, this is a tool, and potentially a useful one, but to my mind without quantitative data and the kinds of social sciences and research she repeatedly says she doesn't have expertise in, the extent, reliability and safety of her approach simply can't be known.

Community: I wasn't going to include this here because it's again not specific to the book, but she mentions her community in such glowing terms so many times that I have to say something: There are 270,000 members on her private FB group right now. Most posts get under 1,000 reactions and I haven't seen any with more than 1500; less than 1% of members who interact with the 'community' at all. All posts go through Jennie and (I think) an assistant before posting, which is fine; I get the limitations on her time and availability and support her boundaries, but I strongly suspect most don't get posted and comments aren't open for more than an hour before being shut off, so most of the 270,000 are lurkers, willingly or not. Not her fault, but describing this as a strong community is absurd. It might have been in the beginning. But now? (She also posted a video recently asking her "community" to buy lots of copies of her book because in a capitalist society this is the only way to further the feminist revolution, which, COME ON. Second wave feminism did not happen because tons of people bought the Feminine Mystique. And also, when women have strong boundaries and independence, society has a moral panic and elects a bunch of right-wing authoritarians to repeal laws and force women back into the role of nurturers and reproducers; and also, makes a lot of sexist podcasters very, very rich. Not that we should stop the feminist revolution! but how does anyone look around themselves right now and not see that the backlash we are living through is specifically triggered by women not needing men or groveling for male attention?)

Feminism: Where do I begin.

This is the aspect I struggle with here the most: I do not see this as feminist. The entire approach, all of the posts, the methodology, the book, everything she's produced, is based on the worldview that finding, attracting, landing, and keeping a "good man" is worth a woman's study, time, and financial investment. What gets me in that log-off/log-on loop with BHDM is the ick I get from watching thousands of successful middle-aged women gushing about their needles in much the same way that 50s debutantes might have bragged to each other about their engagement to a lawyer or doctor. We've just replaced "conventionally successful" with "minimally misogynist." I cannot picture for a minute a comparable group of men posting "success stories" about the "good women" who have fallen in love with them (we can all picture the existing groups that come close, and they're not healthy). Can you imagine 270,000 men getting together online so they can share how they FINALLY found a woman who doesn't insult or objectify them or expect them to do all the housework or emotional labour or hit them or coerce them into sex, because they learned a lot of rhetorical patterns to tip them off to these behaviours in advance? No. And it's not because men in those situations don't exist. It's because this is not bragworthy for men. Partly because there are more women than men who don't behave that way, sure; but also partly because "landing a good one" is simply not a central concern of masculinity (even if, statistically speaking, men are more dependent on relationships and benefit from them more, men don't need to contort themselves to be partnered with a woman in order to be socially perceived as acceptably masculine in the ways straight women do to be perceived as 'real women').

In the introduction she writes about how being single is bad for women in terms of finances etc. But surely then the feminist response would be to restructure society so that no one needs to depend on a romantic relationship to survive, not coach people on how to land "one of the good ones." She contradicts herself repeatedly, stating: a) what you want from a relationship is reasonable and fair, and you can find a man like that, and b) not everyone can find a man like that. Spoiler: b) is the truth. Yes what we want is reasonable and fair; no, we won't all get it, because there are simply mathematically far more women who want that kind of relationship than men who do (and this isn't even distinguishing between the men who say they do, and the ones who act like it).

You might wonder (if you're still reading) if this is the anti-male bit I flagged. No. That's about the double standards in terms of acceptable profiles and rhetorical patterns. She also writes about having received criticism on this point but her answer did not satisfy me. Yes, of course, women have different risks in straight relationships and need to approach red flags and personal safety very differently, and it is fair to evaluate some behaviours from men as unacceptable that would be less concerning from a woman. But not all behaviours, and not all the ones she includes.

Example: Two of her rhetorical patterns are I'm A Very Busy Man and Kids Come First. They're separated but very similar in that this is a man who is signaling you will not be a priority and should not expect to get a lot of his time. She recommends blocking these men as not being serious relationship contenders.

And then includes as an example of a successful woman's dating profile towards the end of the book that says, in essence, I am a very busy woman with a lot of priorities but I can make time for you. (This "I can make time" phrase is also specifically mentioned as Not Ok when written by men, and often flagged as "conditional decency," so that's not the difference here.)

I'm a single parent of a disabled kid so there have been times when my dating capacity was significantly constrained. (There have also been years where finding time to brush my teeth was beyond me, but let's ignore those.) I absolutely did put wording like that in my dating profiles because I continually matched with men who were disappointed or upset that if we were going to meet up for coffee, it would be four weeks from Tuesday because that was my next free night, sorry, and I got sick of men feeling entitled to be my first priority off the bat. So my assumption when I see language like this in a man's profile (see above: personality bias) is to assume they're in a busy season and if I want someone with a lot of time to spend together, I should pass with no judgement required. Not to label them as toxic and block them for all time; who knows, maybe in a year or two if we're both still single and on the same app, their kids will be more independent and it won't be a barrier.

Young is free to make a different assessment herself, but why on earth is it ok for a woman to use almost exactly the same wording? In what sense are men less vulnerable to feeling neglected or deprioritized by dating someone with no real time for them? I grew up watching my mother abuse my father for decades; men are not invulnerable and this is not an area where a double standard is ok. If I were a man on the dating app and I saw someone saying they "were busy but could make time" for the "right guy," I'd swipe left. I'd also swipe left on Young's profile, because anyone who starts with a list of all the stuff they don't want comes across to me as being burned out by online dating and not in a place to engage positively. I don't block them, because if they process in the future and come back with a profile of what they do want, I want to be able to read it. God knows when I want to write a profile saying "no hookups, no text buddies, etc." I take that as a sign to log off and do something else with my time.

But mostly -- in this egregiously long review, how could I have more to say? -- it's the implicit sexism. The entire approach positions "success" as falling in love with a man and having a committed relationship. Why are none of the success stories women implementing the method, finding no one, and being ok with it?

The subtitle signals the whole approach and is not feminist. It's the "men who matter" bit. I read that phrase and reflexively shudder.

Men don't matter.

Or: men matter as much as anyone does, in a wider context; no less and no more.

In this context, men don't matter. Finding a man doesn't matter. Making men better, individually or collectively, is not my job. If I'm going to put energy into a feminist revolution, it is going to be restructuring society so that anyone of any gender can live a great life regardless of their romantic or relationship status. If a man comes along who would be a good fit for me, and I have room for him, great! But I'm not "making room" for him or anyone else. The room is the room. It's not my job to hollow out a man-shaped space in my life by getting better at weeding out abusive misogynists. It is society's job, all of us collectively, to stop creating abusive misogynists. The whole idea of getting better at CDA so I can get rid of man-duds makes me tired.

[G · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book is everything I thought it would be: Wonderful! Clear, concise, and well-organized, it’s the perfect introduction to the Burned Haystack Dating Method and an excellent reference for those who have been studying it for a while. Dr. Young employs razor-sharp satire as well, so you might be surprised at how funny this is to read.
The testimonials prove that this method not only saves women from broken hearts and wasted time — but also literally save lives by helping us learn how to avoid abusive relationships of all kinds.
Even if you’re not dating, the author gives concrete examples of how the method can be used in all aspects of interpersonal relations from the workplace to hiring contactors and with families and friends.

[Meghan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jennie Young's book "Burn The Haystack" was a very interesting read and applicable to way more than online dating. This book is primarily for women looking to date men.

The "Burned Haystack" dating method operates differently from standard dating advice: don't tolerate nonsense from men as seen in dating messages like "hey," "wyd," and anything creepy. "Block to burn" the haystack down and eventually find your proverbial needle in the haystack. Don't just swipe away from men who aren't matches, block them or the app will keep showing you the same profiles. Don't be afraid to be ruthless.

This book has two things that most relationship advice books don't:
1. Humor
2. An academic framework/critical discourse analysis/rhetoric

I particularly enjoyed the humor aspect, which elevated this into a far more interesting read than many relationship advice books. The academic elements of this book were insightful and still accessible to a non-academic audience.

You can also apply Jennie Young's theories into the workplace, as well as relationships with friends and family. Even if you're not online dating currently or are in a relationship like I am, I think there's still much to be learned from this book.

4 stars.

I received an Advance Reader Copy of this book complimentary from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.

[Jenna Schreiber · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I could give this 10 stars. This book offer serious help and solutions for the dating app problem , as well as useful skills for decoding conversations in every relationship. It delivers this with humor . It's not only insightful, but entertaining. Must read for those dating, useful read for every walk of life. It's a time and life saver, literally and actually!

[Rachel Croce · Rating 5 out of 5]

OH MY GOD! This refreshing application of feminist analysis shows folks how to identify toxic attitudes, beliefs, and values men hold (especially those on dating sites). I think the rhetorical patterns Young identifies can be helpful in any context, to help identify and highlight more subtle misogyny. I’ve recommended this book to so many clients and friends, and am looking forward to more resources using the Burned Haystack method. If enough women increase standards and block out the opportunities for men to prey on and abuse women, then the America can be a much better place.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic advice and an accessible and fascinating introduction to critical discourse analysis!

I've been in the Facebook for a little while (using some of the advice already) and I've been looking forward to reading this book so much! I read it in one day. It's engaging and funny, and chock full of excellent advice that saves time, keeps us safe, and does not blame women for the failings of unsuitable men.

Highly recommended. I will be going back to this again and again. I made so many highlights!

[Daria Williamson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is brilliant! A fantastic overview of the Burned Haystack Dating Method, with lots of great examples that demonstrate the rhetorical patterns and dating app tactics women can use to blow past the "hay" and find the decent guys who are worth their time.

And there's a great chapter on using BHDM in other parts of life - it's been a game changer for me in friendships and business too.

[Kerry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came for the validation and stayed for the crash course on critical discourse analysis. This topic could have easily been filled with fluff. Instead it's smart, to the point, replete with examples, and totally fun to read.

[Harley Quinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

5★: THIS IS THE MOST PRACTICAL FEMINIST GUIDE I’VE EVER READ, & IT DEFINITELY APPLIES TO MORE THAN JUST DATING! I went into Burn the Haystack expecting gimmicky dating-app advice—and by 10% into the audiobook, I had already ordered a physical copy because I knew I’d need it as a reference.

This is not just a dating book. It’s a DECISION FILTER. 🚥

Dr. Jennie Young takes what most women already feel in their gut and gives it structure, language, and—most importantly—permission. You’re not learning new standards here; you’re learning how to enforce the ones you already have without second-guessing yourself.

Despite being written by a PhD in rhetoric, this never reads like academic text. It’s sharp, clear, and genuinely funny—but underneath that humor is something more sobering: a reminder of just how much nonsense women have been trained to tolerate.

What makes this a GAMECHANGER is how fast it expands beyond dating. Once you see these patterns, you see them everywhere—work, friendships, family, everyday interactions. You stop explaining, overextending, and negotiating with behavior that was never acceptable to begin with.

Yes, some of this may sound like common sense. But naming the patterns is what makes them usable in real time—and that’s the difference between knowing better and actually doing better. This is a PARADIGM SHIFT. ⚡⚡⚡

ON FEMINISM & WHY THIS FEELS BIGGER THAN A BOOK: This feels firmly rooted in fourth-wave feminism—digital, shared, and built from women comparing real experiences in real time—but it also feels like a turning point into whatever comes next.

Because this isn’t just about dating.

This is about how women talk to—and respond to—men everywhere: fathers, sons, coworkers, bosses, dates, partners. It changes how we read words, what we accept, and how quickly we shut things down when something isn’t right (and there’s no shortage of that lately.)

On your own, that’s powerful. When a lot of women start doing it at the same time, that’s how things actually change.

This isn’t the kind of “progress” that lives in a policy manual no one reads. This shows up in everyday conversations—over and over again—until we reach a tipping point where women everywhere are talking about #MeToo as something we moved through.

And what makes it different is that it doesn’t just tell women to “speak up”—it gives you the words, the confidence, and the backup to actually do it without second-guessing yourself.

That’s why this feels bigger than a book.

I really hope this keeps growing—different applications, workshops, different languages, all of it—because this is the kind of thing you don’t just read once. You use it. The closest parallels I can draw for what this method does for your conversations with men:
💥like an air fryer in your kitchen—suddenly you’re using it for everything
💥like a back-up camera in your car—once you have it, you can’t go without
💥like Caller ID and “Do Not Disturb” on your phone—you filter out what doesn’t deserve your attention

I WOULD RECOMMEND THIS METHOD/BOOK TO EVERY WOMAN ON THE PLANET—including teen girls—because the earlier we learn this, the more time, energy, and emotional bandwidth we save.

Read it. Buy a copy for your friends. Talk about it. Take it to heart. Practice it. Get results.

Published two weeks ago on 4/7/26, this book currently has a 4.66-star average by 124 GR peeps.

The author’s website: https://www.jennieyoung.com/

[Nan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook

Awesome!! She’s right it feels like we have helped her write the book and do the audiobook. That we’re all just friends chatting and helping each other out as only women can do. It’s time to really bring that back instead of being the skinny blond woman stabbing all other women in the back to gain approval and a tiny bit of power from the patriarchy only to be tossed aside for a man. Time to truly unite and stop propping them up. Has that worked all this time? No. So, we weed the men who promote this out in the dating pool and don’t breed with them. We’re the chance bit by bit block by block

[Hannah Locke]

Amazing book and I highly recommend it for every girl, even if you are not on the apps and are in a relationship! Great advice for people pleasers too👀

[JT · Rating 5 out of 5]

Patriarchy has conditioned women not to be too picky. The result is horribly exploitative relationships. Most men simply aren’t dateable, and the chances of finding one are exceedingly slim, but this book will maximize your chances (this is reality, not a scarcity mindset…we need to stop blaming women for the failures of men).

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pure gold. A must read for any woman on dating apps and beyond. Useful also to inform daily interactions in the world we occupy & part of the fight against patriarchy. Highly recommend. Jennie Young is a total superstar x

[Kimberly Adams · Rating 5 out of 5]

A clear and concise guide on navigating the modern online dating world! This was a fascinating read. It breaks down how dating apps are marketed similar to food and transport apps. Using examples of real profiles was interesting. Without giving personal information, you could see trends of behaviors. Mostly of what to avoid! The humor breaks and success stories placed at the end of chapters wrapped all points together well. If you are looking for a long term partner on dating apps, I highly suggest reading this first!

[ShaylaZero · Rating 2 out of 5]

I've read up to page 59. This book is written from the point of view that men are the problem. That is not always the case. Continued reading to page 74 and it continued with the assumption that men are the problem. Insert eye roll here. She does have good ideas and "rules" to set your standards and worth, with online dating so I will give her props for that. But it's not only the men that are the problem.
Pages 77 through 89, read like cult leader.
I honestly don't even know why I'm continuing to read this book. I'm not even the type to leave book reviews, good or not.
Ironically, I flipped the page to begin chapter 5 which has an emphasized "Run!" under the chapter title. I feel like that's what I should be doing from this book, running! ....
Oh boy. Second paragraph into chapter 5 she writes "I assumed it must be me, I must be the problem" One sentence after that she states " but then I thought I don't have communication problems anywhere else. I talk to people all the time all day long and I never struggle to understand anyone and no one struggles to understand me" that is from the victim viewpoint, no accountability for self.
Idk man, at this point this book is just making me mad and I'm laughing with frustration.
WHY THE HECK IS CHEAPER FIVE 70 (seventy) PAGES LONG!!
70 .. yes, seventy pages long of degrading men.
Chapter 6 is titled "toxic dating coaches how to spot them and when to block them" Bahahahahahaha wow, just wow. This woman should be a comedian instead of an author.
At chapter 6, I thumbed ahead and realized there is 10 chapters in this book. Since I'm more than halfway through, I might as well see it through. .. wish me luck.
I have up after chapter 7.
Basically ladies, when it comes to dating in general: set your boundaries, standards, know your worth and use common sense.
Be safe out there

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Professor Young’s model of how to apply rhetorical analysis to dating is a gift to women. It is a scholarly framework that intuitively makes sense - as it provides an explanation for why many dating profiles just feel “off.” Dr Young helps to explain the “why” women feel uncomfortable when confronted with certain descriptors, how profiles can be analyzed based on language and patterns, and provides a strategy for how to adopt a no nonsense approach to finding “a needle in the haystack.” This book helps you not waste time on toxic men, and it is funny and hopeful in its orientation. I know that I now feel that I have the tools to achieve dating success!

[Eleni | elenisbookshelf · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and William Morrow Books for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Burn the Haystack presents an interesting and practical approach to modern dating, particularly for women who are navigating online dating spaces. The core idea is to set firm boundaries early, not tolerate low-effort communication, and intentionally filter out poor matches rather than endlessly swiping. The “burn the haystack” metaphor is memorable, and I appreciated the emphasis on protecting your time and energy. The combination of humor with a more analytical framework was enjoyable. The author draws on rhetorical analysis and “reading between the lines” of profiles and messages. I also found that some of the concepts could extend beyond dating into other areas, such as friendships, workplace dynamics, and the general maintenance of healthier boundaries.

That said, while there were some takeaways, much of the advice didn’t feel particularly groundbreaking. A lot of the guidance ultimately comes down to trusting your instincts, maintaining standards, and not engaging with behavior that doesn’t align with what you want. These are valuable reminders, but not necessarily new ones. I also found myself thinking that, like any structured method, this approach works best as a starting framework rather than a rulebook, since interactions are often more nuanced.

Burn the Haystack offers some useful tools and a clear philosophy around boundaries and intentional dating. Readers who are looking to navigate online dating may find it helpful.

[Rebecca]

In case any of my IRL friends are confused - I’m still happily married and not on any dating apps.

Review to come. :)

[Christine Farmer · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was constantly bothered by the author’s juxtaposition of conservative vs. liberal (political views, values). That’s not the entirety of the political spectrum.

[Isabella (isabunchofbooks) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Prof. Young is a genius.

[Kim Pears · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's been just over a week since I finished this book, and I've changed my rating from 4 to 5 stars.

What I now realise is that this book offers a shift change for women, not just in how we approach early dating, but about how women might approach all things. What the author advocates is that when a man's behaviour is not ok, is that we disengage, without a word of explanation.

Traditionally women have been encouraged - not just in dating, but in all interactions with men - to spend energy on compromising, 'giving grace', to politely educate with phrases like 'that doesn't work for me' with a smile and a tilt of the head, no doubt. Here, the author advocates a straightforward refusal to go down that exhausting track. How refreshing!

I want to flag how hilariously funny this book was, whether or not the focus of the book itself is for you. Chapter 5 - going through each of the rhetorical patterns - with examples from mens' profiles and text conversations, had me crying with laughter in places...holy moly!

I've been following Jennie's work on Fb for a while - great to have this out in the world where I'm sure it'll attract a lot of attention and reach a wider audience.

I really enjoyed it.

[Lindsey Kingsley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Little disappointed I didn’t have this book earlier in my life when dating. Could have saved me a ton of dead end dating. This book is filled with practical tips for online dating and ways to weed out the people who are not (datable) spiked there are tons that present themselves as ready when they truly haven’t done the work to be better. I’m inspired by the success stories. I’m also proud of jenie for writing this book (as a fellow Wisconsinite) she’s also hilarious and found myself laughing out loud at her one liners. The book and Facebook group is community of relatable woman. Thank you for putting your soul into the work you do to save woman! Will be recommending to many!

Ps also as a therapist I have found 0 books to be helpful with the current scene of dating and it’s felt very hopeless

[Jodi Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every woman should read this; even if you aren't on the dating apps

What started as a way to help me navigate the dating apps has turned into a way for me to navigate life and relationships. Thanks to this book (and the Burned Haystack Method reels), I now have the words to name and trust what I experience in my gut. This has made me a better communicator (I thought I was pretty good before; this is a whole new level), friend, mother, partner, teacher, and human being. Thank you, Jennie Young and the BHM Community

[Erin Foley · Rating 5 out of 5]

My therapist told me about the burned haystack method and I have been waiting so long to read this book. Someone who struggles with enjoying dating apps and not having too many boundaries this really gave me a new perspective of women empowerment and to take daring into your own hands. I love this theory so much and I really do think it’s useful !!!

[Rebecca Ellis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book as much as I love the Facebook group. This method has applications way beyond dating, and is a true feminist movement! I think all women would benefit from learning the method, no matter their relationship status. I’m so glad I stumbled upon it a couple of years ago. It’s been truly healing!

[Chanel Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Critical discourse analysis is where it’s attt, what an intuitive way of reading through the bullshit and being efficient with your precious time as a woman. We deal with ENOUGH! Now there are tools in the tool shed that act as one heck of a filter

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

absolutely one of the best self help books I've ever read. using critical discourse analysis with real life examples, you learn to analyze text, subtext, context and imagery of dating profiles. These skills translate really well to life outside of dating as well.

[Health · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really, really wanted to like this book. I have my needle (just remarried at age 54) who I met on a dating app, but would have burned and missed out on if I'd have read this book beforehand. Yikes!

I read the book in hopes of finding a great modern dating guide to pass along to both my daughter and a close friend who are a generation apart but both struggling with the idea of meeting quality men through a dating app.

Again, I really, really wanted to like this book. But I didn't.
It's strange to have to preface my criticism by stating that I'm an Independent voter, but I think the overall tone of the book requires it.

The writing made me cringe in so many places. Why would a dating book make me think about political affiliation so much? Because she talks about it constantly!
And not in a rhetoric educational way of "let's use different examples of political views to show how words or phrases may be misconstrued based on the perspective they're coming from".

Conservatives were used as the example of every bad outcome and traditional values are not seen as an option, but looked down upon as a part of the patriarchy.
That's just not necessary to teach a dating method!
Once I got halfway through the book I sought out the FB group and saw that it's even worse there.
There is a big difference between discerning when dating and downright mean to others who make different choices.

As an Independent, the judgement wasn't even necessarily directed at me, but I feel uncomfortable with this book being presented as being written for all women, when it's clearly written as insulting to those who vote differently than Jennie.

I'm sure she has loyal followers because of this extra added political commentary, but it's such a shame she didn't take the opportunity on any of the covers or inside flaps of the book to clarify the audience she is wanting to serve.
The only clue I got was the word "feminist", which doesn't necessarily translate into "intolerant illiberal" in my world.

But maybe that was a purposeful decision. Maybe she's happy to take the dollars of moderate and conservative women upfront - even knowing she has every intention of turning them off or offending them within her pages.

Because of this, I will not be recommending this book.

[Mel Turland · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book but it was more academic than I anticipated. Lots of really great tips for dating and also validation for the experience a lot of hetro/ cis women have in the modern dating world. I’d say it’s more of a movement than just guidance, but it can be taken in either way.