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Burn the Haystack: Decode Dating, Torch the Duds, and Make Room for Men Who Matter
Not yet published
Expected 7 Apr 26It’s time for a feminist dating revolution! The eagerly awaited first book by the creator of the Burned Haystack Dating Method who’s transforming the dating world by helping you ditch the duds, preserve your peace, and find your needle.
How do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn the haystack to the ground.
Among Dr. Jennie Young’s legion of fans, the “needle” is a long-term, committed partner and the “haystack” is the group of men available to date. So often women are advised to “give the guy a chance”—even if the guy is a lazy communicator or looking for someone “fluent in sarcasm.” Young’s refreshing approach to online dating turns this advice on its head: Give almost no one a chance.
A professor of rhetoric and women’s and gender studies, Young has built a career teaching people how to decode the hidden meanings in ordinary communication. Fascinated (and frustrated) by the rhetorical gambits she saw in men’s profiles when she first downloaded a dating app, she created Burned Haystack to help other women navigate the nonsense and find their needles. Her method has quickly spread to more than 250,000 followers and become the smart woman’s guide to online dating sanity.
Young has revolutionized the dating lexicon, calling out rhetorical patterns to watch for in men’s communication:
“I’m a very busy man!”: Leading with this language establishes him at the top of the hierarchy and frames him as a reward for a worthy woman.
Test and Apologize: He texts something sexual, then apologizes before she can respond, pretending it was an “accident.” He’s testing if she’ll be okay with immediate objectification. The test is real; the apology isn’t.
“My kids come first”: Taken literally, this sounds like a good dad. But if you examine the subtext and the context, he’s in effect saying, “Don’t expect too much from me.”
Young’s engaging system empowers readers to sort through profiles quickly and effectively, preserving both time and sanity. And with its blend of scathing humor and academic rigor, Burn the Haystack is so much more than a dating tool—it gives women the skills to break down communication from the classroom to the boardroom and everywhere in between, and the confidence to approach life with a deeper, more powerful level of understanding.
How do you find a needle in a haystack? You burn the haystack to the ground.
Among Dr. Jennie Young’s legion of fans, the “needle” is a long-term, committed partner and the “haystack” is the group of men available to date. So often women are advised to “give the guy a chance”—even if the guy is a lazy communicator or looking for someone “fluent in sarcasm.” Young’s refreshing approach to online dating turns this advice on its head: Give almost no one a chance.
A professor of rhetoric and women’s and gender studies, Young has built a career teaching people how to decode the hidden meanings in ordinary communication. Fascinated (and frustrated) by the rhetorical gambits she saw in men’s profiles when she first downloaded a dating app, she created Burned Haystack to help other women navigate the nonsense and find their needles. Her method has quickly spread to more than 250,000 followers and become the smart woman’s guide to online dating sanity.
Young has revolutionized the dating lexicon, calling out rhetorical patterns to watch for in men’s communication:
“I’m a very busy man!”: Leading with this language establishes him at the top of the hierarchy and frames him as a reward for a worthy woman.
Test and Apologize: He texts something sexual, then apologizes before she can respond, pretending it was an “accident.” He’s testing if she’ll be okay with immediate objectification. The test is real; the apology isn’t.
“My kids come first”: Taken literally, this sounds like a good dad. But if you examine the subtext and the context, he’s in effect saying, “Don’t expect too much from me.”
Young’s engaging system empowers readers to sort through profiles quickly and effectively, preserving both time and sanity. And with its blend of scathing humor and academic rigor, Burn the Haystack is so much more than a dating tool—it gives women the skills to break down communication from the classroom to the boardroom and everywhere in between, and the confidence to approach life with a deeper, more powerful level of understanding.
320 pages, Hardcover
Expected publication April 7, 2026
11 people are currently reading
3249 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews
January 1, 2026
Jennie Young's book "Burn The Haystack" was a very interesting read and applicable to way more than online dating. This book is primarily for women looking to date men.
The "Burned Haystack" dating method operates differently from standard dating advice: don't tolerate nonsense from men as seen in dating messages like "hey," "wyd," and anything creepy. "Block to burn" the haystack down and eventually find your proverbial needle in the haystack. Don't just swipe away from men who aren't matches, block them or the app will keep showing you the same profiles. Don't be afraid to be ruthless.
This book has two things that most relationship advice books don't:
1. Humor
2. An academic framework/critical discourse analysis/rhetoric
I particularly enjoyed the humor aspect, which elevated this into a far more interesting read than many relationship advice books. The academic elements of this book were insightful and still accessible to a non-academic audience.
You can also apply Jennie Young's theories into the workplace, as well as relationships with friends and family. Even if you're not online dating currently or are in a relationship like I am, I think there's still much to be learned from this book.
4 stars.
I received an Advance Reader Copy of this book complimentary from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
The "Burned Haystack" dating method operates differently from standard dating advice: don't tolerate nonsense from men as seen in dating messages like "hey," "wyd," and anything creepy. "Block to burn" the haystack down and eventually find your proverbial needle in the haystack. Don't just swipe away from men who aren't matches, block them or the app will keep showing you the same profiles. Don't be afraid to be ruthless.
This book has two things that most relationship advice books don't:
1. Humor
2. An academic framework/critical discourse analysis/rhetoric
I particularly enjoyed the humor aspect, which elevated this into a far more interesting read than many relationship advice books. The academic elements of this book were insightful and still accessible to a non-academic audience.
You can also apply Jennie Young's theories into the workplace, as well as relationships with friends and family. Even if you're not online dating currently or are in a relationship like I am, I think there's still much to be learned from this book.
4 stars.
I received an Advance Reader Copy of this book complimentary from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.
Review of advance copy received from Goodreads Giveaways
I've read up to page 59. This book is written from the point of view that men are the problem. That is not always the case. Continued reading to page 74 and it continued with the assumption that men are the problem. Insert eye roll here. She does have good ideas and "rules" to set your standards and worth, with online dating so I will give her props for that. But it's not only the men that are the problem.
Pages 77 through 89, read like cult leader.
I honestly don't even know why I'm continuing to read this book. I'm not even the type to leave book reviews, good or not.
Ironically, I flipped the page to begin chapter 5 which has an emphasized "Run!" under the chapter title. I feel like that's what I should be doing from this book, running! ....
Oh boy. Second paragraph into chapter 5 she writes "I assumed it must be me, I must be the problem" One sentence after that she states " but then I thought I don't have communication problems anywhere else. I talk to people all the time all day long and I never struggle to understand anyone and no one struggles to understand me" that is from the victim viewpoint, no accountability for self.
Idk man, at this point this book is just making me mad and I'm laughing with frustration.
WHY THE HECK IS CHEAPER FIVE 70 (seventy) PAGES LONG!!
70 .. yes, seventy pages long of degrading men.
Chapter 6 is titled "toxic dating coaches how to spot them and when to block them" Bahahahahahaha wow, just wow. This woman should be a comedian instead of an author.
At chapter 6, I thumbed ahead and realized there is 10 chapters in this book. Since I'm more than halfway through, I might as well see it through. .. wish me luck.
I have up after chapter 7.
Basically ladies, when it comes to dating in general: set your boundaries, standards, know your worth and use common sense.
Be safe out there
Pages 77 through 89, read like cult leader.
I honestly don't even know why I'm continuing to read this book. I'm not even the type to leave book reviews, good or not.
Ironically, I flipped the page to begin chapter 5 which has an emphasized "Run!" under the chapter title. I feel like that's what I should be doing from this book, running! ....
Oh boy. Second paragraph into chapter 5 she writes "I assumed it must be me, I must be the problem" One sentence after that she states " but then I thought I don't have communication problems anywhere else. I talk to people all the time all day long and I never struggle to understand anyone and no one struggles to understand me" that is from the victim viewpoint, no accountability for self.
Idk man, at this point this book is just making me mad and I'm laughing with frustration.
WHY THE HECK IS CHEAPER FIVE 70 (seventy) PAGES LONG!!
70 .. yes, seventy pages long of degrading men.
Chapter 6 is titled "toxic dating coaches how to spot them and when to block them" Bahahahahahaha wow, just wow. This woman should be a comedian instead of an author.
At chapter 6, I thumbed ahead and realized there is 10 chapters in this book. Since I'm more than halfway through, I might as well see it through. .. wish me luck.
I have up after chapter 7.
Basically ladies, when it comes to dating in general: set your boundaries, standards, know your worth and use common sense.
Be safe out there
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Displaying 1 - 2 of 2 reviews