Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is

by Abigail Garner

“In this insightful, warm and groundbreaking work of reporting, Abigail Garner addresses the most challenging issues that arise among gay parents and their families.”— Noelle Howey, author of Dress Codes: Of Three Girlhoods — My Mother’s, My Father’s, and Mine Abigail Garner was five years old when her parents divorced and her dad came out as gay. Like the millions of children growing up in these families today, she often found herself in the middle of the political and moral debates surrounding lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parenting. Drawing on a decade of community organizing, and interviews with more than fifty grown sons and daughters of LGBT parents, Garner addresses such topics as coming out to children, facing homophobia at school, co-parenting with ex-partners, the impact of AIDS, and the children's own sexuality. Both practical and deeply personal, Families Like Mine provides an invaluable insider's perspective for LGBT parents, their families, and their allies.

Genres: LGBT, Nonfiction, Parenting, Queer, Transgender, Gender Studies

288 pages, Paperback

First published March 30, 2004

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a wonderful look at an important topic, what it really means to have lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender parents. It covers diverse topics such as being a second generation queer, interacting with schools and teachers, and living with being a punching bag for the religious right. However it also challenges dominant scripts in the queer community that say everything is always fine and love is always enough - some of these kids have faced some pretty fucked up bigiotry and they share that with the reader so you get a real sense of what their lives are really like. I loved that this book used personal anectdotes from so many queerspawn kids so it really showed a broad range of experiances and perspectives.



I would reccomend this book to any queer interested in having kids, any friend, relative, or teacher who wants to better understand queerspawn kids, and any queer who knows anyone with kids, because it will open your eyes as to what our community needs to do better to support and cherish our wonderful strong kids.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Abigail Garner takes everyone to task in a loving, fierce way. She lays down the law about how other people's homophobia, not being raised by LGBT parents, is the real issue for kids in LGBT families. She myth-busts about the sexual orientation of kids in LGBT families while in the same breath pointing out that it's really problematic for LGBT parents to breathe a sigh of relief that their kids will be straight. She also firmly instructs LGBT parents themselves on how to appropriately navigate all the issues that will arise, which I found immensely refreshing.

Because this book focuses on the experiences of adult (18+) children of LGBT parents, most are children of heterosexual unions where one (or more) parents came out later on rather than children conceived or adopted by out LGBT parents. Still, it's an important read for LGBT parents and prospective LGBT parents no matter what their specific family configuration.

[Varissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

2— it’s very educational, but I could not maintain much interest while reading. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t relate with the people in the book or if it’s because of how dry the book is.

[Kaleria · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book changed my life. Before I found this book (in university), the only place I had read voices of kids like me was in psychological research and news articles debating the my family's right to exist. While most individuals interviewed in this book were older than me and experienced most of their youth in the 80s and 90s (my schooling was in the early 2000s), I found Garner's book resonated deeply with me, and dealt with experiences and questions I had struggled with throughout my childhood. Garner's book was validating and reassuring, and helped me start to discuss my own experiences growing up in a homophobic society.

This book is becoming dated, but I fear folks are overestimating how dated it is. Many of the difficulties Garner discusses regarding growing up culturally queer in a homophobic society still exist, despite the legalization of same-sex marriage in the USA. I continue to recommend this book to all who wish to support or raise LGBTQ+ parented kids, and to anyone who grew up in a family like mine. :)

[D'Anne]

I was hoping this book would be a collection of essays about the experiences of kids who grew up with gay parents. That's not the case. The target audience of this book seems to be more for people who haven't made up their minds about gay people being parents, not the actual gay parents themselves. I'm not saying it's a bad book, but it's not what I am looking for.

[Cadie Holmes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book a couple of years ago because I was interested to see what kids who grew up in queer homes thought about it in preparation for my own queer family. It was really intriguing. I am glad I got a glimpse into what things my kids could face and how to help them.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

-a parent's preference about a child's sexuality does not influence a child's sexual orientation. it influences only how a child feels about coming out.

parents hardly have time to ponder the future of their child's identity politics- the focus of parenting is on the present- diapers, carpools, and curfews. yet if these issues are not thoughtfully examined now in 10-15 years their children will experience cultural shock.

-Firestone advocates creating a "family counsil" before the 1st child is even born. This group of problem solving family members and friends is dedicated to supporting the family, in the form the parents originally intended it to have, and advocating for the children when there are conflicts that threaten the child's relationship with one of the parents. p82

-gaybe boom

-did divorced parents ever receive the same scrutiny?
-kids feel the need to hide pair because everyone is watching and judging.
-children will follow parent's example: silence, etc.
-back into the closet for children?
-can cause problems not bc sexuality but bc institutionalized homophobia
-why aren't straight parents BLAMED when the children turn out gay, like the homosexual ones are?
-gay children of gay parents feel the need to hide even more than just being gay...
-ppl want to know if kids turn out "okay" (=straight)

-the children are no more or less likely to be homosexual when their parents are- but all the kids lie to help the cause so who knows. she mentions they are more likely to be OPEN to questioning sexual orientation and therefore, i think better adjusted. but she also mentions lots of pressure to be straight. who knows.

-growing up gay doesn't prepare you for a life in a straight world. - you get kicked out of your community-seems much the same as "coming out"

-"id like a partner who is truly my equal... can add to my life, not drain my energy.
-"I hope one day i am in a relationship that is so solid that if i had to question that, i would choose to stay regardless."
-I knew I couldn't control my dad and his sex life - so I made a promise to myself to be very safe in my own.
-each year alyssa observes the anniversary of her dad's death with public readings of his writings...
-str8 females can hang with gay men but a str8 man with lesbians is threatening and with gays is questioning his sexuality...

[Lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A crash course for those of use unfamiliar with this increasing population -- children of gay parents. Garner brings up a myriad of issues that these kids must deal with. Including but not limited, the following interesting points:
- the scrutiny these children live under; the pressure for them to be "normal," ie straight; LGBT families are not allowed to be dysfunctional without bringing the parent's sexuality into question
- children whose parents come out to them, their family, and possibly a spouse; deciding who/when to reveal a parents sexuality to
- divorce; same-sex breakups
- children at school; dealing with other's homophobia (peers, teachers, other parents)
- relationships with extended families; homophobic comments made by family members
- impact of HIV/AIDS; effect on the adult children's sexuality
- "second generation": LGBT child of an LGBT; dismissed because they "prove" the anti-gay rhetoric that gay parents will turn their child gay, or "recruit"
- queered straight children who lack a "legitimate" tie to the queer community because of their straightness; heterophobia
- "queerspawn" tend to be more open-minded about gender roles

Eye-opening for me.

[Tobi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Abigail interviewed about 70 queerspawn adults for this book. She pulled together the threads of common experiences, issues, and concerns and produced a chapter for each major issue that queerspawn face.

This book goes in-depth into subjects that usually get ignored in books about (instead of by) queerspawn, such as being culturally-queer while erotically-straight, being a closeted 2nd generation queer, and the experience of being a representative for queer families from very young ages.

Highly recommended for any queerspawn or folks with queerspawn in their lives.

[Mars Girl · Rating 3 out of 5]

A great exploration about the issues children of gay parents face throughout their lives. For someone who grew up in a straight and narrow household, it gave me a lot to think about and may, in fact, help me understand people when dealing with the larger society if I become a counselor. Very well done research. This is not really a self-exploration or memoir, but a good solid study comprised from years of talking to kids raised by gay or transgendered parents. I really liked it.

[Rhonda Doyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend reading Abigail's well documented and articulated observations from countless varieties of couples who have children that are effected and or will have an effect on others. Being a member of a "labeled group" of people hasn't denied any group mistreatment, assumed society references, or unnecessary harm. This book opens minds to how many perceptions there are and how many will continue or worsen unless we become more aware.

[Ellyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author, whose father is gay, is a nationally known speaker on the topic of children growing up with LGBT parents. I learned a ton about the unique challenges faced by this population. The author interviewed over 50 adult children of LGBT parents, and their quotes, ideas, and experiences are scattered throughout the book. It's very honest and thought-provoking.

[Dr. E · Rating 5 out of 5]

love this book. provides a collection of stories of children being raised by gayby-boomers. does not attempt to analyze each experience, but provides narrative accounts with some socio-political context. excellent read for parents, parents-to-be, and anyone interested in supporting the healthy development of ALL children and families.

[Queen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Part of this book doesn't age really well with all the advances that happened in the last decade, but some of it is still relevant. I was expecting a lot more testimonies and less theory. All in all, this book needs to be revised and published again as it provides useful insight and makes you question a lot.

[Zelazuid · Rating 5 out of 5]

Offers excellent insight (speaking as an author doing research for a character in such a situation) about this kind of family. Namely what kinds of things a child in this situation would be dealing with.

[Liesa · Rating 5 out of 5]

it was great to read stories and to have the chance to say "hey me too" I spent a day and just read the whole thing.

[Julia]

306.874 GAR

[J.M.]

Saw this in an article my sister sent to me and thought it looked interesting.

[Kharm · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm going to keep this as a reference book. It presents a perspective that most people rarely think about, and after having family in such a situation, I found it fascinating.

[Kari Chin · Rating 4 out of 5]

insightful and honest

[Shawn Thrasher · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dry.

[V Massaglia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Important book - really helped me understand not only the children of gay parents but that of others. I highly recommend this book.

V

[Thorn MotherIssues · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful, gave me a lot to think about.