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Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and Long-Term Relationships
Happily married to her husband with Asperger Syndrome for 25 years, Ashley Stanford is an expert on how Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can affect a relationship and her bestselling book has helped thousands of couples.Brought fully up to date, this second edition clarifies the new DSM-5 diagnostic criteria and explains how, without a solid awareness of the condition, ASD behaviors can easily be misinterpreted. Stanford's book provides a wealth of strategies for living with the more uncompromising aspects of ASD, pointing out that ASD also brings enormous strengths to a relationship. It shows how understanding the intentions, motivations and reasoning behind ASD behaviors can lead to better communication, relief of tension, and ultimately to a happier, more mutually fulfilling relationship.
286 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2014
45 people are currently reading
196 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
October 20, 2015
Some of the same characteristics that make people like or love someone can also lead to problems in friendships or relationships, magnify that to the extreme with Asperger's Syndrome. It hasn't been called a Swiss cheese syndrome without cause. While those with Asperger's can be brilliant, intriguing, even charismatic, their difficulty with social behaviours can cause misunderstandings, confusion, frustration, anger, hurt, and heartache.
I enjoyed Ashley Stanford's ability to explain to her readers that these behaviours and the problems they often lead to are rarely intentional and if viewed pragmatically can be managed and even solved.
It's inaccurate to say people with Asperger's can't make friends or have meaningful relationships, they can make friends, they can find love, but they struggle to keep those relationships.
I was pleased to read such a sensible and meaningful look at relationships, whether on the spectrum or not, after all, love is complicated enough, why not ask for help, especially when so well-presented?
Now the question as to if this advice would actually work in a practical setting cannot be obtained just from reading, after all, we know the difficulty those with Asperger's have with generalization. But where there is love there is hope.
I enjoyed Ashley Stanford's ability to explain to her readers that these behaviours and the problems they often lead to are rarely intentional and if viewed pragmatically can be managed and even solved.
It's inaccurate to say people with Asperger's can't make friends or have meaningful relationships, they can make friends, they can find love, but they struggle to keep those relationships.
I was pleased to read such a sensible and meaningful look at relationships, whether on the spectrum or not, after all, love is complicated enough, why not ask for help, especially when so well-presented?
Now the question as to if this advice would actually work in a practical setting cannot be obtained just from reading, after all, we know the difficulty those with Asperger's have with generalization. But where there is love there is hope.
September 4, 2016
Useful advice for an NT in an LTR with an ASD.
If you've met a person with autism, you've met a person with autism. It follows, therefore, that typical relationship advice manuals are not going to cut it for smoothing out the rough edges that can crop up when your sweetie is on the spectrum. Stanford's advice is geared to couples in which one partner is neurotypical, and one is at the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, what used to be called -- and what many people still refer to -- as Asperger syndrome.
[Note: it is beyond the scope of this review to get into the hot mess that the DSM-V created for people with autism and their families. Stanford devotes a chapter to the change and its implications/repercussions, so for that alone this book pretty much pays for itself.]
Stanford walks the reader through the diagnostic criteria, explains how those criteria can manifest in romantic relationships, and explains exactly what's behind each behavior, as opposed to what it often looks like. Once you understand what purpose a behavior serves for a person with autism, you as the neurotypical partner can make the necessary adjustments to ease tension in the relationship.
[Stanford makes it very clear that it is on the NT partner to make changes, as opposed to trying to change their partner with autism. Good advice for any relationship, but crucial when you are involved with someone whose wiring is completely different from yours.]
Topics include social and emotional interaction, eye contact/body language, speech (or lack thereof), routines and fixed interests, overall communication skills, and adaptive behaviors. The final chapter is dedicated to listing resources for the NT spouse to learn more about autism/Aspergers, and do further reading/research. Although incredibly specialized, if you are in this situation, it's the perfect book to have, especially if you sincerely want the relationship to last. Recommended for all library collections to address an underserved need/population.
If you've met a person with autism, you've met a person with autism. It follows, therefore, that typical relationship advice manuals are not going to cut it for smoothing out the rough edges that can crop up when your sweetie is on the spectrum. Stanford's advice is geared to couples in which one partner is neurotypical, and one is at the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, what used to be called -- and what many people still refer to -- as Asperger syndrome.
[Note: it is beyond the scope of this review to get into the hot mess that the DSM-V created for people with autism and their families. Stanford devotes a chapter to the change and its implications/repercussions, so for that alone this book pretty much pays for itself.]
Stanford walks the reader through the diagnostic criteria, explains how those criteria can manifest in romantic relationships, and explains exactly what's behind each behavior, as opposed to what it often looks like. Once you understand what purpose a behavior serves for a person with autism, you as the neurotypical partner can make the necessary adjustments to ease tension in the relationship.
[Stanford makes it very clear that it is on the NT partner to make changes, as opposed to trying to change their partner with autism. Good advice for any relationship, but crucial when you are involved with someone whose wiring is completely different from yours.]
Topics include social and emotional interaction, eye contact/body language, speech (or lack thereof), routines and fixed interests, overall communication skills, and adaptive behaviors. The final chapter is dedicated to listing resources for the NT spouse to learn more about autism/Aspergers, and do further reading/research. Although incredibly specialized, if you are in this situation, it's the perfect book to have, especially if you sincerely want the relationship to last. Recommended for all library collections to address an underserved need/population.
January 15, 2016
I burst out laughing more than once reading this when the author related conversations between herself and he aspie husband because they sounded exactly like my husband and me.
Her: What do you see when you look at me?
Him: You.
Her: What do you see when you look at me?
Him: You.
September 6, 2024
"He ended up doing the work of five people because he simply could not tell others what they were supposed to do."
Profoundly interesting read, whether you are analysing the text in a 'my girlfriend has ASD'- or a 'hmm, this is something I do aswell'-sort of way. It's filled to the brim with examples, from the author herself and from the average joe. It's an easy read, clear on its sourcematerial and very educational altogether, even for someone that's been around ASD for most of his life and thought he had a handle on most of it :)
Profoundly interesting read, whether you are analysing the text in a 'my girlfriend has ASD'- or a 'hmm, this is something I do aswell'-sort of way. It's filled to the brim with examples, from the author herself and from the average joe. It's an easy read, clear on its sourcematerial and very educational altogether, even for someone that's been around ASD for most of his life and thought he had a handle on most of it :)
January 10, 2015
ARC provided by NetGalley
As someone still coming to terms with what it means to be on the Asperger spectrum and having a long term relationship, I found this book to be extremely helpful, because I learned a lot. Not just about some of the potential problems in a relationship, but other factors about the spectrum as well that I didn’t know. The fact that it was written by someone married to a person with Aspergers, but not Aspergers herself, helped to make sure that the book flowed evenly and made sense, as she tried to cover the broadest facets possible while still providing good advice. Stanford provides a number of strategies for living with someone on the spectrum, but more importantly points out the strengths that a person on the spectrum brings to the relationship, which is something that is often missed in books as they focus on the negative. More importantly, to me, Stanford makes sure to emphasize that the person on the spectrum is not intentionally creating problems or being dense (which are two things I’ve been accused of), but are often just not aware that what they’re doing is a problem. Stanford also provides a variety of quotes and anecdotes from other couples in the same situation, to get other perspectives of handling the situation.
As an end note, as a person on the spectrum I think this book is more valuable to the partner not on the spectrum. This is due to the fact that many of the “problems” that non-spectrum people experience are things that are beyond the control of the person on the spectrum, such as certain forms of communication or writing styles. While I would love at times to be able to change who I am to reduce the problems, even if I acknowledge and try at that time to do so, it will not become a pattern or ingrained memory for me, like it does for others. I give the book 4 out of 5 stars.
As someone still coming to terms with what it means to be on the Asperger spectrum and having a long term relationship, I found this book to be extremely helpful, because I learned a lot. Not just about some of the potential problems in a relationship, but other factors about the spectrum as well that I didn’t know. The fact that it was written by someone married to a person with Aspergers, but not Aspergers herself, helped to make sure that the book flowed evenly and made sense, as she tried to cover the broadest facets possible while still providing good advice. Stanford provides a number of strategies for living with someone on the spectrum, but more importantly points out the strengths that a person on the spectrum brings to the relationship, which is something that is often missed in books as they focus on the negative. More importantly, to me, Stanford makes sure to emphasize that the person on the spectrum is not intentionally creating problems or being dense (which are two things I’ve been accused of), but are often just not aware that what they’re doing is a problem. Stanford also provides a variety of quotes and anecdotes from other couples in the same situation, to get other perspectives of handling the situation.
As an end note, as a person on the spectrum I think this book is more valuable to the partner not on the spectrum. This is due to the fact that many of the “problems” that non-spectrum people experience are things that are beyond the control of the person on the spectrum, such as certain forms of communication or writing styles. While I would love at times to be able to change who I am to reduce the problems, even if I acknowledge and try at that time to do so, it will not become a pattern or ingrained memory for me, like it does for others. I give the book 4 out of 5 stars.
January 21, 2018
For the most part it was a good book, and most of it is accurate and informative. Though, I hope anyone reading it will realize that not ALL people with asperger's behave in this manner.
I had issue with some of her examples: such as giving him an icy stare and expecting him to know what she wants. Don't play games with your husband, asperger's or not. You'll get the reaction you want from him by using proper communication, not playing games and 'hoping' he realizes what you want. I also wonder if the author herself has asperger's. It's not unusual, and in fact very common, for people with aspergers to find each other. There are some examples she uses of "normal" behavior from an NT, and I think they're far fetched, as I've only experienced those behaviors from people with high emotional capacity and control, which is really rare in ANYONE. There were a lot of "ideal" communications that don't really happen in real life.
Additionally, the book needs to actually have full references. They are cited throughout the book, but not the full reference at the end of the chapter or book. There were articles/books that I wanted to look up.
I had issue with some of her examples: such as giving him an icy stare and expecting him to know what she wants. Don't play games with your husband, asperger's or not. You'll get the reaction you want from him by using proper communication, not playing games and 'hoping' he realizes what you want. I also wonder if the author herself has asperger's. It's not unusual, and in fact very common, for people with aspergers to find each other. There are some examples she uses of "normal" behavior from an NT, and I think they're far fetched, as I've only experienced those behaviors from people with high emotional capacity and control, which is really rare in ANYONE. There were a lot of "ideal" communications that don't really happen in real life.
Additionally, the book needs to actually have full references. They are cited throughout the book, but not the full reference at the end of the chapter or book. There were articles/books that I wanted to look up.
March 1, 2018
As someone with Asperger Syndrome who was diagnosed as an adult much like the author’s husband (though I think I’m a little higher functioning), and someone who, after about 5 years, is in a serious relationship again, I found a lot of this book to be extremely helpful.
I would recommend not shying away from it because it talks a lot about NT/ASD marriages. Almost all of it translates to the experience of any long-term relationship. It has already opened up new and better lines of communication with me and my SO. Highly recommended.
I would recommend not shying away from it because it talks a lot about NT/ASD marriages. Almost all of it translates to the experience of any long-term relationship. It has already opened up new and better lines of communication with me and my SO. Highly recommended.
February 17, 2019
Love can blossom.
This is the most helpful book I have read so far on this subject. The list of problems set down by the DSM 5 and ICD 11 for Autism. Is each chapter subject in turn. So first the difficulty is explained from the AS point of view. Then from the NT point of view. Then help is given to each. So understanding is the goal. From true understanding love and happiness can blossom. The writer,s love and caring comes over very strong. You will enjoy her style of writing, and enjoy learning so much from every example and point.
This is the most helpful book I have read so far on this subject. The list of problems set down by the DSM 5 and ICD 11 for Autism. Is each chapter subject in turn. So first the difficulty is explained from the AS point of view. Then from the NT point of view. Then help is given to each. So understanding is the goal. From true understanding love and happiness can blossom. The writer,s love and caring comes over very strong. You will enjoy her style of writing, and enjoy learning so much from every example and point.
March 25, 2025
The terminology is still terribly out of date despite claiming to be "fully updated". The writer bases HEAVILY on the DSM 5 (which is not a manual on Autism but a problematic guide about diagnosis) and the insights of Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen (don't get me started). She recommends AutismSpeaks as a useful resource (red flag). I wish I had something more positive to offer but this one should be retired.
January 5, 2021
I found this to be very useful as someone with ASD, as a way to find insight into and empathize with my partner. The author keeps in her very unpolished and off-the-cuff thoughts and reactions to coping with her husband's ASD. It's hard to read at times, but it helps me understand what it's like I'm those difficult moments.
It's an odd book, but I recommend it.
It's an odd book, but I recommend it.
March 10, 2022
Once I understood the rhythm and purpose of the book, I found it to be a helpful dose of reality. I would recommend this to all who are in or who love someone who is in an ASD-linked long-term relationship. Though I found it lacking in some ways, overall I walk away with smiles and better insight into my marriage.
October 4, 2017
Excellent
Personal, insightful, working examples and useful analogies and stories that find the right balance. Highly recommended for both partners. Best book I read so far on the subject.
Personal, insightful, working examples and useful analogies and stories that find the right balance. Highly recommended for both partners. Best book I read so far on the subject.
September 5, 2021
Even if you do not have a long term relationship with someone with ASD, this book will open your eyes. We can all learn from each other's differences and appreciate our strengths.
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May 13, 2022More of a diagnostic tool but still full of lots of good information.
December 17, 2025
Good God this woman gets it.
May 17, 2020
A mind blowing book. It has opened up my mind to what a different world an NT and AS person live in. So many examples and tips to aid better relationships. So much hard work has gone into research. I’m really grateful to Ashley for opening my eyes.
December 14, 2016
I was expecting more of a "how to long term relationship" for ASD, not realizing it's more of a handbook for NTs. Much better than other handbooks for NTs I've read, but as per usual, more design for women NT dating men NTs, which makes the material focused on a particular audience.
Good intro book for an adult making sense of her partner's ASD.
Good intro book for an adult making sense of her partner's ASD.
April 5, 2023
This book is simple, and not super helpful or overly suggestive, and some chapters felt incomplete.Perhaps a good primer for those who are new to exploring autism and relationships.The author clearly loves and cares for her husband, but I'm not convinced this book contains any revolutionary understanding of ASD/NT partnerships -nothing that those actually living it can't figure out on our own.
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews