What do you think?
Rate this book
Lessons from a Default Parent: Surviving the Front Line of Family Life
What nobody tells you about parenthood, from one of the 'silent partners' behind the
Parenting Hell
podcast.
School-run coordinator, party planner, clubs organiser, laundry sorter… and maybe even a 'real' job on top! Sound exhaustingly familiar?
From assumptions surrounding who is staying home with the kids to the never-ending list of 'school' admin, being 'the default parent' rears its head in a plethora of ways.
So this audiobook is for all the defaults out there – bored out of their eyeballs or so overwhelmed they could scream expletives into the wind for a solid hour – to know their invisible labour is seen, valued, and can even sometimes be rebalanced.
With heartfelt and hilarious advice, Lou Beckett provides much-needed comfort and community for the one who is depended on the most (and often feels appreciated the least), and maybe – just maybe – how we can begin to muddle through a little better, together.
Lou Beckett is a mother of two, ex-secondary school teacher and wife to Rob Beckett. The (mostly) silent participant of the incredibly successful Parenting Hell podcast (spoken about not to except for the occasional "right to reply" episodes), she can speak about the similarly 'silent' default parenting, emotional labour and managing the mental load of parenthood.
Her popular and well-read blog post 'A very long whinge' prompted many 'me too' moments from fellow parents and gained 56,000 views almost overnight and 116,600 impressions on Instagram.
2025 Lou Beckett (P)2025 DK Audio
School-run coordinator, party planner, clubs organiser, laundry sorter… and maybe even a 'real' job on top! Sound exhaustingly familiar?
From assumptions surrounding who is staying home with the kids to the never-ending list of 'school' admin, being 'the default parent' rears its head in a plethora of ways.
So this audiobook is for all the defaults out there – bored out of their eyeballs or so overwhelmed they could scream expletives into the wind for a solid hour – to know their invisible labour is seen, valued, and can even sometimes be rebalanced.
With heartfelt and hilarious advice, Lou Beckett provides much-needed comfort and community for the one who is depended on the most (and often feels appreciated the least), and maybe – just maybe – how we can begin to muddle through a little better, together.
Lou Beckett is a mother of two, ex-secondary school teacher and wife to Rob Beckett. The (mostly) silent participant of the incredibly successful Parenting Hell podcast (spoken about not to except for the occasional "right to reply" episodes), she can speak about the similarly 'silent' default parenting, emotional labour and managing the mental load of parenthood.
Her popular and well-read blog post 'A very long whinge' prompted many 'me too' moments from fellow parents and gained 56,000 views almost overnight and 116,600 impressions on Instagram.
2025 Lou Beckett (P)2025 DK Audio
- GenresNonfiction
240 pages, Hardcover
Published February 10, 2026
76 people are currently reading
197 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
I found myself in exactly the same position as Lou: because of income and career flexibility, I am the default parent who (partially) gave up work when we had our son, and my husband (like Rob) is extremely supportive and involved. Nevertheless, there are still days when the mental labour and loss of identity get to you.
Lou reminds us to look after ourselves, reassures us that everyone is going through the same struggles (even if they curate an appearance that they aren’t), and warns against succumbing to the social pressure to compare ourselves with—or judge—other women. It felt as if I had acquired a more seasoned mum friend who could offer both reassurance and reality checks.
Additionally, since my son is just a year old, her book provided me with some “what‑to‑expect” scenarios for the toddler years, starting school, and beyond. I think this book is perfect for any default parent at any stage in their children’s lives, who isn’t necessarily looking for advice but would like a cathartic read that validates their feelings and experience.
Thank you to DK/DK RED for providing this book for review consideration via NetGalley, and thank you to Lou Beckett for writing it. All opinions are my own.
Lou reminds us to look after ourselves, reassures us that everyone is going through the same struggles (even if they curate an appearance that they aren’t), and warns against succumbing to the social pressure to compare ourselves with—or judge—other women. It felt as if I had acquired a more seasoned mum friend who could offer both reassurance and reality checks.
Additionally, since my son is just a year old, her book provided me with some “what‑to‑expect” scenarios for the toddler years, starting school, and beyond. I think this book is perfect for any default parent at any stage in their children’s lives, who isn’t necessarily looking for advice but would like a cathartic read that validates their feelings and experience.
Thank you to DK/DK RED for providing this book for review consideration via NetGalley, and thank you to Lou Beckett for writing it. All opinions are my own.
November 22, 2025
Best known as the long-suffering wife of comedian and Parenting Hell podcast co-host Rob Beckett, Lou Beckett wrote a blog post in early 2024 titled 'A Very Long Whinge' which went viral thanks to the way it resonated with parents - especially mothers - who loved their children and their partners but were tired of being regarded as the 'default parent'. As Beckett sets out in her book, the default is the one who shoulders the bulk of the mental load of family life and who often ends up having ultimate responsibility for the rest of the family's happiness and seemingly effortless existence. The default parent reads the myriad official and unofficial school communications and thus knows when the homework is due, what time sports day starts and what exactly winter uniform comprises. They plan the children's birthday parties and buy the presents. They schedule the play dates, organise the holiday childcare and know when the library books are due back. They make sure school uniform, PE kit and Scouts uniforms are washed, and they notice when the leggings are too short or the wellies are starting to pinch. Often, they do all this as well as working full or part-time hours outside the home.
In writing Lessons from a Default Parent, Beckett's intention is two-fold. She wants to validate and reassure those parents who privately may not be treasuring every single moment of their existence, but whom society has conditioned to put on a brave face and a flattering Instagram filter. She also wants to provide guidance for these parents, to make their lives a little easier and allow them to advocate for the support that will enable this.
The research the book is based on isn't anything new - terms like 'mental load' and 'weaponised incompetence' will be familiar to many defaults, but Beckett aims to use these terms to empower her readers to make changes. This book is a rallying call to default parents to voice what they want and need, whether that be a more defined or more equitable distribution of the physical, mental and emotional load, to return to working outside the home or to have more time to explore the parts of their identity beyond being a parent. Beckett validates the desire for these things and encourages parents to slough off the guilt they likely feel for not feeling entirely satisfied with their lot. She also addresses the non-defaults, including an excellent 'right of reply' section with husband Rob, holding them to account for their role in recognising what their partner needs rather than awaiting a direct instruction.
But Beckett doesn't place all the onus on the non-default parent to make things easier by stepping up and doing more. The book is also full of useful, practical advice for defaults to lighten their own loads. She stresses the value of finding the right kind of mum friends and leaning on them. In the beginning, my sanity was saved by a standing Wednesday meet-up with my NCT friends and their babies; no matter how sleep-deprived and frazzled I was feeling, I knew that if I could manage to drag both of us into town, my spirits would be immeasurably raised by a hot drink, humour and the solidarity you can only feel from someone going through the same struggles as you. With the best will in the world, a partner who goes out to work each day just cannot comprehend the tedium of spending all day every day with an adorable, non-verbal creature who absolutely won't nap no matter how cranky they are. For parents of older children, Beckett draws on her experience as a teacher as well as a school mum to proffer sensible advice about how to navigate children starting school, tricky conversations with teachers, friendship woes and school run politics.
I would recommend this book particularly to expectant or new parents, as it will help them to approach parenthood with their eyes open, plus it's always easier to have a tricky conversation before the issues have become too entrenched. Being told with authority as a new mum that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a break, with envying your partner's commute, adult conversation and ability to make a hot drink and go to the toilet whenever they want, and with yearning to be more than 'just' mum, could have a serious positive effect.
Thank you to NetGalley and DK for the opportunity to read and review an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
In writing Lessons from a Default Parent, Beckett's intention is two-fold. She wants to validate and reassure those parents who privately may not be treasuring every single moment of their existence, but whom society has conditioned to put on a brave face and a flattering Instagram filter. She also wants to provide guidance for these parents, to make their lives a little easier and allow them to advocate for the support that will enable this.
The research the book is based on isn't anything new - terms like 'mental load' and 'weaponised incompetence' will be familiar to many defaults, but Beckett aims to use these terms to empower her readers to make changes. This book is a rallying call to default parents to voice what they want and need, whether that be a more defined or more equitable distribution of the physical, mental and emotional load, to return to working outside the home or to have more time to explore the parts of their identity beyond being a parent. Beckett validates the desire for these things and encourages parents to slough off the guilt they likely feel for not feeling entirely satisfied with their lot. She also addresses the non-defaults, including an excellent 'right of reply' section with husband Rob, holding them to account for their role in recognising what their partner needs rather than awaiting a direct instruction.
But Beckett doesn't place all the onus on the non-default parent to make things easier by stepping up and doing more. The book is also full of useful, practical advice for defaults to lighten their own loads. She stresses the value of finding the right kind of mum friends and leaning on them. In the beginning, my sanity was saved by a standing Wednesday meet-up with my NCT friends and their babies; no matter how sleep-deprived and frazzled I was feeling, I knew that if I could manage to drag both of us into town, my spirits would be immeasurably raised by a hot drink, humour and the solidarity you can only feel from someone going through the same struggles as you. With the best will in the world, a partner who goes out to work each day just cannot comprehend the tedium of spending all day every day with an adorable, non-verbal creature who absolutely won't nap no matter how cranky they are. For parents of older children, Beckett draws on her experience as a teacher as well as a school mum to proffer sensible advice about how to navigate children starting school, tricky conversations with teachers, friendship woes and school run politics.
I would recommend this book particularly to expectant or new parents, as it will help them to approach parenthood with their eyes open, plus it's always easier to have a tricky conversation before the issues have become too entrenched. Being told with authority as a new mum that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a break, with envying your partner's commute, adult conversation and ability to make a hot drink and go to the toilet whenever they want, and with yearning to be more than 'just' mum, could have a serious positive effect.
Thank you to NetGalley and DK for the opportunity to read and review an ARC of this book in exchange for an honest review.
January 12, 2026
Not my usual book but I really enjoyed this and do think it will be helpful to a lot of women going though things and need to hear some truths
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
"It's not just doing the jobs-- that's almost the easy bit as tasks are finite. It's the anticipating, the planning, the arranging, the remembering, the monitoring, the deciding, the perceptual and infinite expectation of knowing everything all the time-- that's the hard bit."
Lou Beckett knocked it out of the park with this relatable, laugh-out-loud funny memoir/self-help book on default parenting. Many fascinating facts, including the fact that mothers, on average, carry 70% of the mental load of parenting. She gracefully captures the countless behind-the-scenes tasks and efforts that go underappreciated and unnoticed.
The book goes over Lou's own experience with default parenting her two daughters, mixed with well-researched facts. I greatly enjoyed the added perspective from the interviews with professionals, teachers, and even a non-default parent (aka, her husband). Though I'll admit, it did make me a little sad to hear that most teachers hate and throw away baked goods from students :(
Helpful and approachable tips for managing household workload, such as rephrasing questions (enough with the "can you-"s... time to start asking "who's doing-") and putting an end to the endless thank-yous and gratitude for bare-minimum contributions. This alone can help shift the mindset from "doing the default parent a favor by helping out" to actually feeling responsible for contributing to a shared family dynamic and household. I also loved the tip about actually carving out time to make future plans about dividing tasks, which can be started even during pregnancy. A big part of becoming a "default" is that it was never discussed in the first place.
I didn't agree with all of the parenting advice (for example, arguing with a 3-year-old to do a time-out for 45 minutes to the point that the author herself admitted that she forgot what the reason for the time out was initially is not supported by current developmental psychology at all), but I don't think Lou meant for this to be one-size-fits-all parenting advice. She even mentions finding what you're comfortable with and just focusing on consistency.
Overall, I highly recommend this book for any future parents, current default parents, but ESPECIALLY for non-default parents! This book will be the most eye-opening for them in particular.
Thank you, NetGalley and DK, for the opportunity to read an advanced reader's copy in exchange for my honest opinions.
"It's hard to see how far you've come when you're in the thick of it, but you really have come so far."
Lou Beckett knocked it out of the park with this relatable, laugh-out-loud funny memoir/self-help book on default parenting. Many fascinating facts, including the fact that mothers, on average, carry 70% of the mental load of parenting. She gracefully captures the countless behind-the-scenes tasks and efforts that go underappreciated and unnoticed.
The book goes over Lou's own experience with default parenting her two daughters, mixed with well-researched facts. I greatly enjoyed the added perspective from the interviews with professionals, teachers, and even a non-default parent (aka, her husband). Though I'll admit, it did make me a little sad to hear that most teachers hate and throw away baked goods from students :(
Helpful and approachable tips for managing household workload, such as rephrasing questions (enough with the "can you-"s... time to start asking "who's doing-") and putting an end to the endless thank-yous and gratitude for bare-minimum contributions. This alone can help shift the mindset from "doing the default parent a favor by helping out" to actually feeling responsible for contributing to a shared family dynamic and household. I also loved the tip about actually carving out time to make future plans about dividing tasks, which can be started even during pregnancy. A big part of becoming a "default" is that it was never discussed in the first place.
I didn't agree with all of the parenting advice (for example, arguing with a 3-year-old to do a time-out for 45 minutes to the point that the author herself admitted that she forgot what the reason for the time out was initially is not supported by current developmental psychology at all), but I don't think Lou meant for this to be one-size-fits-all parenting advice. She even mentions finding what you're comfortable with and just focusing on consistency.
Overall, I highly recommend this book for any future parents, current default parents, but ESPECIALLY for non-default parents! This book will be the most eye-opening for them in particular.
Thank you, NetGalley and DK, for the opportunity to read an advanced reader's copy in exchange for my honest opinions.
"It's hard to see how far you've come when you're in the thick of it, but you really have come so far."
December 3, 2025
Lessons from a Default Parent is a breath of fresh air for anyone who has ever felt like the sole keeper of the family's mental load and administrative chaos. Lou Beckett, known to many as the "mostly silent" partner on the Parenting Hell podcast, finally gets a well-deserved platform, and she uses it brilliantly. This book doesn't offer a magic bullet for perfect parenting, but it does an excellent job of validating the invisible labor that so many default parents perform daily.
The Good:
The book's greatest strength is its sheer relatability and humor. Beckett writes with a warm, conversational tone that genuinely feels like a debrief with your best friend. From the never-ending stream of school admin to the assumptions about who stays home with the kids, she nails the specifics of the 'default parent' experience with sharp wit. The sense of community the book creates is invaluable, making you feel seen and less alone in the parenting purgatory.
The "Just Shy of Five Stars":
While the book is fantastic at highlighting the problem and offering comfort, some readers might find themselves wishing for slightly more actionable, concrete strategies for truly rebalancing the load with a partner. The advice tends to lean more toward "muddling through a little better, together" rather than a definitive "how-to" guide for systemic change.
Overall:
A must-read for default parents everywhere. It's funny, honest, and provides much-needed comfort and community. It may not solve all your problems overnight, but it will definitely make you laugh about them.
The Good:
The book's greatest strength is its sheer relatability and humor. Beckett writes with a warm, conversational tone that genuinely feels like a debrief with your best friend. From the never-ending stream of school admin to the assumptions about who stays home with the kids, she nails the specifics of the 'default parent' experience with sharp wit. The sense of community the book creates is invaluable, making you feel seen and less alone in the parenting purgatory.
The "Just Shy of Five Stars":
While the book is fantastic at highlighting the problem and offering comfort, some readers might find themselves wishing for slightly more actionable, concrete strategies for truly rebalancing the load with a partner. The advice tends to lean more toward "muddling through a little better, together" rather than a definitive "how-to" guide for systemic change.
Overall:
A must-read for default parents everywhere. It's funny, honest, and provides much-needed comfort and community. It may not solve all your problems overnight, but it will definitely make you laugh about them.
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
'Lessons from a Default Parent' explores the emotional, mental and practical load carried by the parent who becomes the family's default carer. Lou Beckett examines how this role is formed, why it persists, and how recognizing it can open the door to healthier, more balanced family conversations.
I really enjoyed the book and found much of it relatable even though I had my children some thirty to forty years ago. Then societal expectations were very clear: babies and children were very much the mother's domain. It was refreshing to read how the thoughts so many of us quietly held back are now being named, examined and becoming part of open, healthy discussions between default and non default parents. There are plenty of suggestions about broaching this subject if these conversations aren't currently being held, or they are but you don't feel heard.
The book is written with honesty and humour, offering genuine validation of the conflicting feelings most default parents experience. Lou Beckett perfectly captures the emotional rollercoaster of loving our children to the moon and back while still longing for those halcyon days of uninterrupted sleep and 'me' time.
My one slight criticism is that it can feel a little repetitive in places, with some themes revisited more often than needed. However, the overall message remains strong and worthwhile.
Thanks to NetGalley and DK for my advanced reader copy in return for my honest and unbiased review.
I really enjoyed the book and found much of it relatable even though I had my children some thirty to forty years ago. Then societal expectations were very clear: babies and children were very much the mother's domain. It was refreshing to read how the thoughts so many of us quietly held back are now being named, examined and becoming part of open, healthy discussions between default and non default parents. There are plenty of suggestions about broaching this subject if these conversations aren't currently being held, or they are but you don't feel heard.
The book is written with honesty and humour, offering genuine validation of the conflicting feelings most default parents experience. Lou Beckett perfectly captures the emotional rollercoaster of loving our children to the moon and back while still longing for those halcyon days of uninterrupted sleep and 'me' time.
My one slight criticism is that it can feel a little repetitive in places, with some themes revisited more often than needed. However, the overall message remains strong and worthwhile.
Thanks to NetGalley and DK for my advanced reader copy in return for my honest and unbiased review.
February 13, 2026
I'll start by saying that I really wanted to like this book. I am a long time listener to the Parenting Hell podcast. Whenever Lou makes a guest appearance she is very likeable. She comes across as funny, articulate, insightful and relatable. I also follow her on Instagram and her content is great.
I pre-ordered the book as soon as it was announced and was excited when it became available on publication day.
I listened to the audio version of this book and none of the above came across until right at the end, in a bonus chapter where she interviews her husband, Rob.
I am a default parent and everything she has to say in the book resonates with me. But it is really not a whole book's worth of material. During the book, she refers to a blog post she wrote. I haven't read that post, but I can't imagine there is much more content in this book than could be expressed in a blog post. She has padded out her own material with supporting evidence, but there's really nothing new here.
She is very honest, which is commendable, but it's a dry read. Lacking in humour and emotion.
I pre-ordered the book as soon as it was announced and was excited when it became available on publication day.
I listened to the audio version of this book and none of the above came across until right at the end, in a bonus chapter where she interviews her husband, Rob.
I am a default parent and everything she has to say in the book resonates with me. But it is really not a whole book's worth of material. During the book, she refers to a blog post she wrote. I haven't read that post, but I can't imagine there is much more content in this book than could be expressed in a blog post. She has padded out her own material with supporting evidence, but there's really nothing new here.
She is very honest, which is commendable, but it's a dry read. Lacking in humour and emotion.
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
Many thanks to Netgalley and DK for the opportunity to read this book.
Lou Beckett takes us through parenting in those early days. How the default parent takes on so many roles and deals with whatever is thrown at them. Lots of advice and humour to navigate this momentous time.
This was such a good and relatable read. Its funny and heartwarming. As a parent and former default it just spoke to me so much. Its honest and open about life with children and the strain it puts on you as a parent and partner. The humour keeps it from becoming self help and makes it fun and engaging. I also enjoyed the section towards the back with Rob's input. It shows their teamwork and love. A must for any default parent
Lou Beckett takes us through parenting in those early days. How the default parent takes on so many roles and deals with whatever is thrown at them. Lots of advice and humour to navigate this momentous time.
This was such a good and relatable read. Its funny and heartwarming. As a parent and former default it just spoke to me so much. Its honest and open about life with children and the strain it puts on you as a parent and partner. The humour keeps it from becoming self help and makes it fun and engaging. I also enjoyed the section towards the back with Rob's input. It shows their teamwork and love. A must for any default parent
November 16, 2025
If you're a default parent looking for validation and some laughs, this book is for you! If you're looking for brand-new tips on how to survive as a default parent, this book probably won't give them to you, but it does have some good suggestions that I've seen elsewhere. Beckett emphasizes that there's no one-size-fits-all prescription for how to manage being a default parent, but suggests finding out what works for you. Most of the book, Beckett shared personal struggles; I appreciate her vulnerability as well as her humor. I give it 4.5 stars rounded up to 5.
Thank you to NetGalley and DK for the free eARC! I post this review with my honest opinions.
Content notes: profanity
Thank you to NetGalley and DK for the free eARC! I post this review with my honest opinions.
Content notes: profanity
February 14, 2026
My two youngest daughters of three girls are similar ages to Lou's girls. For this reason, I felt this book would have been much more useful back at the beginning of motherhood. With that being said, I did resonate with her journey and the change of identity. Food for thought on communication and not expecting my husband, who happens to be very hands on, to be a mind reader. I'm a long time listener of the Parenting Hell podcast and was good to hear things from Lou's perspective. Friendships and the importance of them is something I wish I had considered more during the newborn stage and for this reason, I'd recommend this book for anyone starting parenthood.
November 21, 2025
What a fantastic book. So true and honest. Should be issued with every positive pregnancy test.
It does not gloss over the life alternating event of becoming a parent but also celebrating the joy.
Tells it like it is but also say's do what works for you, everyone's choices are valid with no judgement.
Never listened to the podcast but if it's anything like the book needs an award.
Going to buy for a couple of friends as Christmas presents. Will recommend that they get their partner's to read it as well.
It does not gloss over the life alternating event of becoming a parent but also celebrating the joy.
Tells it like it is but also say's do what works for you, everyone's choices are valid with no judgement.
Never listened to the podcast but if it's anything like the book needs an award.
Going to buy for a couple of friends as Christmas presents. Will recommend that they get their partner's to read it as well.
November 22, 2025
I received this book from NetGalley and the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
I didn’t know if I’d get into this book as I’m not a parent but I thought it was great, and I knew I’d enjoy Lou’s writing from what I already knew of her as I’ve followed Rob’s career from the start (& it’s good to get her take on things here!) The tone of the writing was very down to earth, engaging and relatable, and I’m sure many parents will be nodding, laughing, crying, screaming in agreement with Lou’s many anecdotes and experiences.
I found it a really quick read and read it in an afternoon.
I didn’t know if I’d get into this book as I’m not a parent but I thought it was great, and I knew I’d enjoy Lou’s writing from what I already knew of her as I’ve followed Rob’s career from the start (& it’s good to get her take on things here!) The tone of the writing was very down to earth, engaging and relatable, and I’m sure many parents will be nodding, laughing, crying, screaming in agreement with Lou’s many anecdotes and experiences.
I found it a really quick read and read it in an afternoon.
December 4, 2025
Lou Beckett has written a solidarity filled, funny, emotional guide to default parents...whether that's because you are one, about to be one or are married to one it's a great read.
The book isn't full of new thoughts, or crazy advice or things to make your life magically simple but it is full of validation, a little bit of advice and mostly acknowledgement.
It's a great read - a good gift for your mum friends too!
The book isn't full of new thoughts, or crazy advice or things to make your life magically simple but it is full of validation, a little bit of advice and mostly acknowledgement.
It's a great read - a good gift for your mum friends too!
December 9, 2025
I think this book will do really well as an audiobook as I found myself having to 'speak it' in my head to properly enjoy every nuance, every wit and every comment. A great insight into being that default parent, with lots of advice to help preempt any bad feeling that may result. As both the default and non default parent it wasn't really for me but bravo for the book all the same! Thank you to Netgalley for the advance reader copy.
November 25, 2025
Thanks to Netgalley for the ARC.
I was thinking this would be a great read for any default parents but then again some non-defaults too! Well written, witty and brutally honest; I couldn’t help myself nodding along, having faced many of the same situations and decisions. I’m hoping they’ll be a sequel- default parenting during the teen years!!
I was thinking this would be a great read for any default parents but then again some non-defaults too! Well written, witty and brutally honest; I couldn’t help myself nodding along, having faced many of the same situations and decisions. I’m hoping they’ll be a sequel- default parenting during the teen years!!
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews