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A WAG IN L.A.: Read the hysterical story about an English soccer Wag and her crazy exploits in LA
"This book will make you roar with laughter..." The Daily Mail
Described at 'the new Bridget Jones' and the 'funniest book of the year' - this is the very funny, very silly tale of Tracie Martin - Wag extraordinaire - who gets herself into the most astonishing amount of trouble when she moves to Los Angeles.
It's a laugh-out-loud, funny, tender and ridiculous tale featuring Victoria Beckham, David Beckham, LA gangsters & an encounter with a film crew...as well as the usual ludicrous amounts of fake tan, shoes, dresses and lipstick.
It's the perfect escapist novel...whether you love football or hate football, this will make you laugh, smile and scream with joy.
'It's just very, very funny - read it now.'
EXTRACT FROM THE BOOK: Tracie Martin tries to teach her husband - soccer star Dean Martin - how to drive...it doesn't go well:
Ladies and gentlemen, praise be to God, for I am not the worst driver in the world. Oh, no - that honor goes to my dear husband. He’s useless! In fact he’s so useless that I’m in fits of laughter all the time, and that, of course, is not making things go any more smoothly.
‘I’d be able to do it if you weren’t here,’ he says angrily. I try desperately to choke back the laughter as the car hops down the street like a great metal bunny rabbit. I’m doing that terrible schoolgirl thing of trying not to laugh by snorting and crying and jamming my fist into my mouth, which makes me laugh all the more.
‘I don’t understand why it’s bouncing like that,’ he says, looking all confused.
‘Are you in the right gear?’ I manage to say, leaning over to check.
‘Tracie, it’s got nothing to do with clothes,’ he says. ‘The gear I’m wearing is fine.’
‘The gear that the car’s in, you doughnut. Look, it’s in third, that’s why it’s bouncing around like a fucking kangaroo.’
I tell him to pull over, and he kind of lurches to a stop, right in the middle of the road.
‘You can’t stop here. Go to the side,’ I instruct.
He turns the key and the car pounces forward like it’s on springs.
‘It’s in third,’ I squeal.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ he howls back. ‘I don’t even know what ‘it’s in third’ means.’
I move the gear stick for him and he turns the key in the ignition. Then, for reasons that I’ll never understand, he slams his foot down on the accelerator and zooms across the street faster than Lewis Hamilton. The car mounts the kerb the other side and, just when I’m thinking that things can’t get any worse, it heads onto the plush green lawn in front of us, accompanied by screams from Dean, who is by now entirely out of control. Eventually I manage to do the only practical thing I’ve done in my life, and I yank on the handbrake, forcing the car to skid and come to a stop just before hitting the small fountain in the middle of the grass.
‘Phew, that was close,’ he says, as we stare up into the genitals of a little boy who is fashioned entirely from marble. He’s weeing into the fountain as we sit there.
‘Don’t worry,’ I say to my depressed-looking husband. ‘We’ll get you some lessons.’
Described at 'the new Bridget Jones' and the 'funniest book of the year' - this is the very funny, very silly tale of Tracie Martin - Wag extraordinaire - who gets herself into the most astonishing amount of trouble when she moves to Los Angeles.
It's a laugh-out-loud, funny, tender and ridiculous tale featuring Victoria Beckham, David Beckham, LA gangsters & an encounter with a film crew...as well as the usual ludicrous amounts of fake tan, shoes, dresses and lipstick.
It's the perfect escapist novel...whether you love football or hate football, this will make you laugh, smile and scream with joy.
'It's just very, very funny - read it now.'
EXTRACT FROM THE BOOK: Tracie Martin tries to teach her husband - soccer star Dean Martin - how to drive...it doesn't go well:
Ladies and gentlemen, praise be to God, for I am not the worst driver in the world. Oh, no - that honor goes to my dear husband. He’s useless! In fact he’s so useless that I’m in fits of laughter all the time, and that, of course, is not making things go any more smoothly.
‘I’d be able to do it if you weren’t here,’ he says angrily. I try desperately to choke back the laughter as the car hops down the street like a great metal bunny rabbit. I’m doing that terrible schoolgirl thing of trying not to laugh by snorting and crying and jamming my fist into my mouth, which makes me laugh all the more.
‘I don’t understand why it’s bouncing like that,’ he says, looking all confused.
‘Are you in the right gear?’ I manage to say, leaning over to check.
‘Tracie, it’s got nothing to do with clothes,’ he says. ‘The gear I’m wearing is fine.’
‘The gear that the car’s in, you doughnut. Look, it’s in third, that’s why it’s bouncing around like a fucking kangaroo.’
I tell him to pull over, and he kind of lurches to a stop, right in the middle of the road.
‘You can’t stop here. Go to the side,’ I instruct.
He turns the key and the car pounces forward like it’s on springs.
‘It’s in third,’ I squeal.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ he howls back. ‘I don’t even know what ‘it’s in third’ means.’
I move the gear stick for him and he turns the key in the ignition. Then, for reasons that I’ll never understand, he slams his foot down on the accelerator and zooms across the street faster than Lewis Hamilton. The car mounts the kerb the other side and, just when I’m thinking that things can’t get any worse, it heads onto the plush green lawn in front of us, accompanied by screams from Dean, who is by now entirely out of control. Eventually I manage to do the only practical thing I’ve done in my life, and I yank on the handbrake, forcing the car to skid and come to a stop just before hitting the small fountain in the middle of the grass.
‘Phew, that was close,’ he says, as we stare up into the genitals of a little boy who is fashioned entirely from marble. He’s weeing into the fountain as we sit there.
‘Don’t worry,’ I say to my depressed-looking husband. ‘We’ll get you some lessons.’
350 pages, Kindle Edition
First published June 20, 2014
4 people are currently reading
14 people want to read
About the author
Alison Kervin
30 books28 followersAlison Kervin is the Sports Editor of the Mail on Sunday newspaper. She is the first female Sports Editor of a national newspaper in England.
Before her editing job, Alison worked as chief sports feature writer for The Times, chief sports interviewer for the Daily Telegraph and editor of Rugby World magazine.
She has a hugely varied sporting CV. A sports science graduate, she was in the England gymnastics squad before qualifying as a coach for no fewer than 10 sports. In 1991, she became the first woman to referee a rugby match at Twickenham.
In 1994 she was appointed editor of Rugby World magazine. In 1997 she became publisher of IPC sports publications, overseeing Rugby World and Golf Monthly.
In 1999 she became rugby editor of The Times, before becoming the paper’s chief sports feature writer in 2003.
She left in 2006 to embark on a series of book projects: she wrote World Cup winning Rugby coach Sir Clive Woodward’s biography, and co-wrote autobiographies with Olympic athlete Denise Lewis and England rugby stars Jason Leonard and Phil Vickery. She has also written a History of the Rugby World Cup and five novels.
From 2008-9, Alison was also chief sports interviewer for the Daily Telegraph.
Away from newspapers and magazines, Alison has written a vast array of books - from authoritative sports books, to light-hearted comedy. She has written fifteen books in total, all of which are listed in the books section of this website.
You can get in touch with Alison through the 'contact' button.
Before her editing job, Alison worked as chief sports feature writer for The Times, chief sports interviewer for the Daily Telegraph and editor of Rugby World magazine.
She has a hugely varied sporting CV. A sports science graduate, she was in the England gymnastics squad before qualifying as a coach for no fewer than 10 sports. In 1991, she became the first woman to referee a rugby match at Twickenham.
In 1994 she was appointed editor of Rugby World magazine. In 1997 she became publisher of IPC sports publications, overseeing Rugby World and Golf Monthly.
In 1999 she became rugby editor of The Times, before becoming the paper’s chief sports feature writer in 2003.
She left in 2006 to embark on a series of book projects: she wrote World Cup winning Rugby coach Sir Clive Woodward’s biography, and co-wrote autobiographies with Olympic athlete Denise Lewis and England rugby stars Jason Leonard and Phil Vickery. She has also written a History of the Rugby World Cup and five novels.
From 2008-9, Alison was also chief sports interviewer for the Daily Telegraph.
Away from newspapers and magazines, Alison has written a vast array of books - from authoritative sports books, to light-hearted comedy. She has written fifteen books in total, all of which are listed in the books section of this website.
You can get in touch with Alison through the 'contact' button.
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