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Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate
In the age of online dating, finding a real connection can seem more daunting than ever! So, why not stack the odds of finding the right person in your favor? This book offers simple, proven-effective principles drawn from neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find the perfect mate. Everybody wants someone to love and spend time with, and searching for your ideal partner is a natural and healthy human tendency. Just about everyone dates at some point in their lives, yet few really understand what they're doing or how to get the best results. In Wired for Dating , psychologist and relationship expert Stan Tatkin—author of Wired for Love —offers powerful tips based in neuroscience and attachment theory to help you find a compatible mate and go on to create a fabulous relationship. Using real-life scenarios, you’ll learn key concepts about how people become attracted to potential partners, move toward or away from commitment, and the important role the brain and nervous system play in this process. Each chapter explores the scientific concepts of attachment theory, arousal regulation, and neuroscience. And with a little practice, you’ll learn to apply these exercises and practical techniques to your dating life. If you’re ready to get serious (or not!) about dating, meet your match, and have more fun, this book will be your guide.
200 pages, Paperback
First published January 2, 2016
311 people are currently reading
1938 people want to read
About the author
Stan Tatkin
16 books182 followersStan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.
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January 26, 2016
p.4 – The central idea of this book is that secure functioning is at the core of all successful relationships. The principle of secure functioning is rooted in attachment theory and research, and describes a relationship with the following characteristics:
• security (“we protect each other”)
• sensitivity (“we are aware of each other’s needs”)
• justice and fairness (“we quickly repair any hurts that occur”)
• collaboration (“we’re in this together”)
• true mutuality (“what is good for me is good for you”)
p.12 – Psychologist John Bowlby (1969) was one of the first to study the human tendency for pair bonding – that is, the formation of a close relationship between two individuals. He developed attachment theory to explain why we bond in pairs, starting with our very first relationship outside the womb. We cannot survive and thrive without that special relationship, which usually occurs with our mother.
p.14 – allow yourself to temporarily live with any ambiguities related to your search for a partner.
p.19 – Above all else, you and your partner need to offer each other safety and security. You need to be able to protect each other and count on each other, and find a way of being together that is mutually beneficial, fair, just, and sensitive.
p.21 – if you were hurt in a relationship, then only a relationship can heal you. Couple therapist Harville Hendrix (2007) puts it more explicitly: “In order to heal the wounds of the past, you need to receive love from a person whom your unconscious mind has merged with your childhood caregivers.”
p.32 – Scientists have found that testosterone levels from in men when they are falling in love, and rise in women when they are falling in love. Notably, however, these changes are temporary; within a year or two, testosterone returns to the levels found in men and women who are not in love.
Dopamine levels rise when you are feeling good – for example, because you just spotted a potential love interest.
p.33 – The more time you spend in the company of your new love object, the less noradrenaline is a factor; thus you feel less scared, but you also become less attentive.
p.39 – We want someone who offers a mix of safety and security (familiarity) and novelty and excitement (unfamiliarity).
p.40 – partners need to socially vet each other with both male and female friends and family before they get serious about dating each other.
p.41 – Your picker is not your problem. In fact, there is no such thing as a bad picker. Your problem is very likely that you don’t have a social network that helps you vet your partner for you. In other words, you are picking a partner based on the whims and dictates of your primitives, without sufficient ambassador input.
p.67 – Interviewing a potential partner:
• What kinds of things did your family do together when you were a kid?
• Who has had the biggest impact on your life?
• Who was your favorite teacher?
• If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
• What is your favorite book?
• What is your favorite Sunday morning activity?
• What is the best present anyone ever gave you?
• What would you like your life to be like in ten years?
• What do you find most scary about dating?
• What are you most interested in knowing about me?
p.68 – Listening between the lines:
• Does your date tell you too little?
• Does your date give you too much information?
• Does your date lead you astray or give you false information?
• Does your date become tangential and take the conversation all over the place?
• Does your date talk about people and events for which there has been no previous introduction?
• Does your date suddenly pause or slow down for no apparent reason?
p.76 – I don’t mean to be rigid about taking one year to know another person. There is no rule that you are not allowed to get married within the first year. Couples do it, and it works for them. My point is simply that it takes time to really know your partner, and that this auditioning is best done before marriage. If you don’t take the time, your risk of failure rises significantly.
p.88 – a couple bubble is an agreement that puts your relationship before everything else in your life. In doing this, you keep your relationship sacrosanct by holding yourselves within a safe cocoon and protecting yourselves from outside elements. I believe the creation and maintenance of a bubble is perhaps the strongest indication that a relationship will succeed.
p.99 – Adults anchors tend to do well in their jobs and to be favored in the world because of their social abilities. They get along well with many people and can tolerate differences. In love relationships, they understand they are in a two-person system that must function as truly mutual to succeed.
Anchors are affectionate, emotionally and physically engaging, and unafraid to be themselves. They are afraid of neither abandonment nor engulfment and can easily shift from being alone to interacting and then to being alone again.
Anchors’ modesty and humility place them on par with others, rather than below or above. The moral compass of an anchor always points toward mutuality, fairness, justice, and sensitivity. It’s not an act, and it’s not limited to specific people or things. Above all anchors are collaborators. Again, they believe two are better than one. When they speak, they always keep the listener in mind, making it easier for that person to follow them. They do not say too little or too much, or become tangential or misleading or confusing in their storytelling.
p.100 – They are resilient and have a wealth of internal resources. Because they feel tethered to at least one other person, they do not go through life as lone wolves afraid to venture into the world and play with others. Their strength and courage stem from their ability to depend on another. Their secure base was created in childhood and is recreated throughout life. It is what launches their capacity for complexity and self-improvement.
p.150 – From a psychological perspective, I would argue that the concern is less what you fight about and more how well your nervous system get along.
• security (“we protect each other”)
• sensitivity (“we are aware of each other’s needs”)
• justice and fairness (“we quickly repair any hurts that occur”)
• collaboration (“we’re in this together”)
• true mutuality (“what is good for me is good for you”)
p.12 – Psychologist John Bowlby (1969) was one of the first to study the human tendency for pair bonding – that is, the formation of a close relationship between two individuals. He developed attachment theory to explain why we bond in pairs, starting with our very first relationship outside the womb. We cannot survive and thrive without that special relationship, which usually occurs with our mother.
p.14 – allow yourself to temporarily live with any ambiguities related to your search for a partner.
p.19 – Above all else, you and your partner need to offer each other safety and security. You need to be able to protect each other and count on each other, and find a way of being together that is mutually beneficial, fair, just, and sensitive.
p.21 – if you were hurt in a relationship, then only a relationship can heal you. Couple therapist Harville Hendrix (2007) puts it more explicitly: “In order to heal the wounds of the past, you need to receive love from a person whom your unconscious mind has merged with your childhood caregivers.”
p.32 – Scientists have found that testosterone levels from in men when they are falling in love, and rise in women when they are falling in love. Notably, however, these changes are temporary; within a year or two, testosterone returns to the levels found in men and women who are not in love.
Dopamine levels rise when you are feeling good – for example, because you just spotted a potential love interest.
p.33 – The more time you spend in the company of your new love object, the less noradrenaline is a factor; thus you feel less scared, but you also become less attentive.
p.39 – We want someone who offers a mix of safety and security (familiarity) and novelty and excitement (unfamiliarity).
p.40 – partners need to socially vet each other with both male and female friends and family before they get serious about dating each other.
p.41 – Your picker is not your problem. In fact, there is no such thing as a bad picker. Your problem is very likely that you don’t have a social network that helps you vet your partner for you. In other words, you are picking a partner based on the whims and dictates of your primitives, without sufficient ambassador input.
p.67 – Interviewing a potential partner:
• What kinds of things did your family do together when you were a kid?
• Who has had the biggest impact on your life?
• Who was your favorite teacher?
• If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
• What is your favorite book?
• What is your favorite Sunday morning activity?
• What is the best present anyone ever gave you?
• What would you like your life to be like in ten years?
• What do you find most scary about dating?
• What are you most interested in knowing about me?
p.68 – Listening between the lines:
• Does your date tell you too little?
• Does your date give you too much information?
• Does your date lead you astray or give you false information?
• Does your date become tangential and take the conversation all over the place?
• Does your date talk about people and events for which there has been no previous introduction?
• Does your date suddenly pause or slow down for no apparent reason?
p.76 – I don’t mean to be rigid about taking one year to know another person. There is no rule that you are not allowed to get married within the first year. Couples do it, and it works for them. My point is simply that it takes time to really know your partner, and that this auditioning is best done before marriage. If you don’t take the time, your risk of failure rises significantly.
p.88 – a couple bubble is an agreement that puts your relationship before everything else in your life. In doing this, you keep your relationship sacrosanct by holding yourselves within a safe cocoon and protecting yourselves from outside elements. I believe the creation and maintenance of a bubble is perhaps the strongest indication that a relationship will succeed.
p.99 – Adults anchors tend to do well in their jobs and to be favored in the world because of their social abilities. They get along well with many people and can tolerate differences. In love relationships, they understand they are in a two-person system that must function as truly mutual to succeed.
Anchors are affectionate, emotionally and physically engaging, and unafraid to be themselves. They are afraid of neither abandonment nor engulfment and can easily shift from being alone to interacting and then to being alone again.
Anchors’ modesty and humility place them on par with others, rather than below or above. The moral compass of an anchor always points toward mutuality, fairness, justice, and sensitivity. It’s not an act, and it’s not limited to specific people or things. Above all anchors are collaborators. Again, they believe two are better than one. When they speak, they always keep the listener in mind, making it easier for that person to follow them. They do not say too little or too much, or become tangential or misleading or confusing in their storytelling.
p.100 – They are resilient and have a wealth of internal resources. Because they feel tethered to at least one other person, they do not go through life as lone wolves afraid to venture into the world and play with others. Their strength and courage stem from their ability to depend on another. Their secure base was created in childhood and is recreated throughout life. It is what launches their capacity for complexity and self-improvement.
p.150 – From a psychological perspective, I would argue that the concern is less what you fight about and more how well your nervous system get along.
February 28, 2019
Another surprisingly good book in my research about adult attachment psychology, which involves neurobiology, psychology and more. It’s well balanced and informative in examples. Actually, some of his articulated descriptions of how your attachment style manifests itself can bring you to tears.
The thing I was wondering about is how he divides the three attachment style differently from what is described in the book “attached”, of Amir Levine. It’s a bit confusing but still an interesting perspective in the same theory.
The thing I was wondering about is how he divides the three attachment style differently from what is described in the book “attached”, of Amir Levine. It’s a bit confusing but still an interesting perspective in the same theory.
May 3, 2019
This is a very simple book, suitable if you've never sought to learn about relationships by any means more rigorous than skimming blog posts on Elephant Journal. The content isn't inaccurate, but it is highly generalized. The book would be a suitable companion to 8th-grade health class.
The "neurobiology" discussed is more thematic than scientific. Tatkin reveals such truths as: 1) your neurotransmitters are out to fool you, 2) eye contact is important, and 3) your breath and heart rate will increase when you are excited at the outset of a promising date. That's about it. Neurotransmitters are discussed categorically but for two sentences that distinguish dopamine from serotonin. Mindfulness breathing exercises are discussed as a means of calming one's nervous system--something you can find even on Elephant Journal.
I'm not sure what I found more annoying, the "science" lite or Tatkin's penchant for generalization. In his discussion of attachment styles, he describes "islands" (people with avoidant attachment styles) essentially as introverts (without using that word) and "waves" (people with nervous attachment styles) essentially as extroverts. What that makes an "anchor" (a person with a secure attachment style), I'm unsure. More importantly, it's decidedly unhelpful to conflate attachment and intro/extroversion and it's going to confuse a lot of readers who love people who perhaps are not overly social but fall squarely into the nervous-attachment category.
Skip this book and check out what the Gottman Institute has to say about attachment instead.
The "neurobiology" discussed is more thematic than scientific. Tatkin reveals such truths as: 1) your neurotransmitters are out to fool you, 2) eye contact is important, and 3) your breath and heart rate will increase when you are excited at the outset of a promising date. That's about it. Neurotransmitters are discussed categorically but for two sentences that distinguish dopamine from serotonin. Mindfulness breathing exercises are discussed as a means of calming one's nervous system--something you can find even on Elephant Journal.
I'm not sure what I found more annoying, the "science" lite or Tatkin's penchant for generalization. In his discussion of attachment styles, he describes "islands" (people with avoidant attachment styles) essentially as introverts (without using that word) and "waves" (people with nervous attachment styles) essentially as extroverts. What that makes an "anchor" (a person with a secure attachment style), I'm unsure. More importantly, it's decidedly unhelpful to conflate attachment and intro/extroversion and it's going to confuse a lot of readers who love people who perhaps are not overly social but fall squarely into the nervous-attachment category.
Skip this book and check out what the Gottman Institute has to say about attachment instead.
July 3, 2022
I love reading about dating because I think it’s such a silly, frustrating, and interesting thing humans do. This book differed from others given the really tangible tools it offers and a neuro approach always seals the deal for me. Some examples of potential dialogue felt clunky and almost too good to be true, but there are lots of starting points for folks in and out of relationships. I also appreciate the wave/island/anchor way to describe attachment styles as I feel there’s way less shame compared to being labelled avoidant or anxious.
February 19, 2019
Very holistic relationship "curriculum" - meaning that some sections were less relevant to my particular relationship circumstance than others. However, 10/10 on sections describing attachment styles - how the love you received from primary caregivers impacts how you give and receive love - and how to productively fight/soothe your partner. SO insightful.
June 11, 2021
I have only recently discovered "Attachment Theory" and it turned out to cause a tumult of confusion and self-realization. This book was recommended to me by my close friend who happens to be a psychologist and I'm glad I read it. It turns out that I am island-ish and many of the qualities that I've prided myself on (strongly independent and self-sufficient) have another side to the coin which makes being in a relationship challenging (wary of being vulnerable, depending on others or feeling that my autonomy is being threatened when others need me). When I initially read about attachment theory elsewhere I was horrified and convinced that this made me a "bad person," but I was very grateful and relieved to find that that is simply not true or the case, and that it is not a static state of being but very fluid and malleable. Since reading this book I've also inadvertantly started noticing certain characters in my friends and their significant others and the dynamics in their relationships. While some of the examples and scenarios given in the book are a bit idealistic and in some cases downright unrealistic, I think that the book is worthwhile and eye-opening. I would actually recommend that everyone read it regardless if you are single, dating, in a committed relationship or married with kids. I will most likely read it again according to the changes in my own relationship status. Self-awareness is the first step to making positive changes and I hope that this knowledge will help me to break certain undesirable cycles that have likely been passed down to me from God knows how many generations.
August 12, 2018
I read this to learn more about adult attachment theory. This was recommended to me as a sort of non-shaming, non-pathologizing option written for regular (non-therapist) humans. His classifications of anchor, island, and wave, help you to understand the ways you relate to other people and how other people relate to you. The terms that he uses are his own - I believe terms more broadly used for those are "secure," "insecure avoidant," and "insecure anxious." Obviously, those are a bit of a mouthful, and can feel blaming.
The book is full of quizzes asking you to reflect on your relationships with your primary caregivers before age 13, as those past relationships can influence how you relate to other people as an adult. However, he also notes that attachment styles are fluid, and gives you tips to work towards being more secure, no matter which attachment style you currently have.
The book is full of quizzes asking you to reflect on your relationships with your primary caregivers before age 13, as those past relationships can influence how you relate to other people as an adult. However, he also notes that attachment styles are fluid, and gives you tips to work towards being more secure, no matter which attachment style you currently have.
February 22, 2022
I've read almost a dozen books on attachment theory at this point. This is basic and foundational information on secure functioning, and for people who come from insecure family cultures that's exactly where they need to start. I would read this before Wired for Love, though I read Wired for Love first. His other books are wonderful too. Relationship Alive YouTube interviews with Stan #19 and #150 are also very informative. The reality is the average person only retains 10-15% of what they read, and they lose that if it is not put into practice. If people really want to have a secure functioning relationship and are already in a long term relationship (1 or more years) read Wired for Love first (maybe lol My point is, never stop dating your partner, so I would recommend this book for any couple, especially those not yet married).
"Attached" is also great, perhaps with more realistic scenarios. The reality is though, "waves" (anxious), "islands" (avoidants) and "anchors" (secures) are wiser "labels" . In his other books, "What Every Therapist Ought To Know" and "Your Brain on Love" Tatkin gets into the neurobiology of relationships in much greater detail and is a wealth of knowledge in this respect.
But you have to crawl before you can walk, and... so on... Which is why this book is an excellent place to start learning about attachment theory in a non-judgmental way. Shame that comes with attachment wounds rooted in trauma, loves labels... which is why Stan wisely avoids these as a diagnosis. attachment styles are not pathological, though there is evidence that if attachment wounds that happen at childhood are coupled with trauma, and more trauma, and addiction, and abusive traumatic cycle of relationships... pathologies can develop. It's like epigenetics.
What Stan offers in this book to someone totally knew to "therapy" or self awareness literature is a safe door through which to enter into their journey towards creating a healthy secure relationship.
Having spent my past two summers working with youth in residential foster care doing wilderness adventure therapy a week at a time, teaching/coaching for a decade (including psychology), having divorced parents since the age of 2, and trauma of my own witnessing my older brother's near fatal TBI when I was 11, best friends suicide in college... healthy relationships ARE the only way people heal.
HEALTHY PEOPLE CREATE HEALTHY PEOPLE. HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.
The only way to heal attachment wounds, is in some kind of secure relationship. (does not have to be romantic, but people will take on the role of an attachment figure i.e mentor, coach, therapist, friend, uncle, aunt, grandparent, etc. )
They can be relationships with a therapist, a coach, teacher, pastor, (God), and most significantly a significant other who has a secure attachment style or is willing to do the work to learn about one another and attachment theory and grow together into a secure functioning relationship.
If folks have addictions ("thirds" that interfere with the secure bond between partners) they will need to seek additional therapy or find a path toward healing whatever pain or trauma is driving their compulsion to numb through their addiction(S). If they want to stay in the relationship, they will need to be honest with their partner, ask for their support, and likely seek couples based counseling or activities (like those outlined in Stan's books) to achieve the kind of secure relationship that heals.
It is absolutely possible. Great book. (listened to it twice now)
"Attached" is also great, perhaps with more realistic scenarios. The reality is though, "waves" (anxious), "islands" (avoidants) and "anchors" (secures) are wiser "labels" . In his other books, "What Every Therapist Ought To Know" and "Your Brain on Love" Tatkin gets into the neurobiology of relationships in much greater detail and is a wealth of knowledge in this respect.
But you have to crawl before you can walk, and... so on... Which is why this book is an excellent place to start learning about attachment theory in a non-judgmental way. Shame that comes with attachment wounds rooted in trauma, loves labels... which is why Stan wisely avoids these as a diagnosis. attachment styles are not pathological, though there is evidence that if attachment wounds that happen at childhood are coupled with trauma, and more trauma, and addiction, and abusive traumatic cycle of relationships... pathologies can develop. It's like epigenetics.
What Stan offers in this book to someone totally knew to "therapy" or self awareness literature is a safe door through which to enter into their journey towards creating a healthy secure relationship.
Having spent my past two summers working with youth in residential foster care doing wilderness adventure therapy a week at a time, teaching/coaching for a decade (including psychology), having divorced parents since the age of 2, and trauma of my own witnessing my older brother's near fatal TBI when I was 11, best friends suicide in college... healthy relationships ARE the only way people heal.
HEALTHY PEOPLE CREATE HEALTHY PEOPLE. HURT PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE.
The only way to heal attachment wounds, is in some kind of secure relationship. (does not have to be romantic, but people will take on the role of an attachment figure i.e mentor, coach, therapist, friend, uncle, aunt, grandparent, etc. )
They can be relationships with a therapist, a coach, teacher, pastor, (God), and most significantly a significant other who has a secure attachment style or is willing to do the work to learn about one another and attachment theory and grow together into a secure functioning relationship.
If folks have addictions ("thirds" that interfere with the secure bond between partners) they will need to seek additional therapy or find a path toward healing whatever pain or trauma is driving their compulsion to numb through their addiction(S). If they want to stay in the relationship, they will need to be honest with their partner, ask for their support, and likely seek couples based counseling or activities (like those outlined in Stan's books) to achieve the kind of secure relationship that heals.
It is absolutely possible. Great book. (listened to it twice now)
February 28, 2023
This books starts with how people get drawn to relationships that are pleasurable in the short-term (the chemistry, literally) and not immediately attracted to relationships with high long-term compatibility. The first half of the book is largely about these general dating insights and busting common myths about dating and relationships. The second half dives into attachment theory. This book makes the jargon of attachment theory more approachable and less judgmental through the use of these type categories: anchor (secure), island (avoidant), and wave (anxious). It recognizes that these types are a spectrum and no individual is perfectly secure 100% of the time. It also acknowledges the nuance of the wave (anxious) type: most of the time they pull towards you, but occasionally the fear of abandonment causes them to also push you away. It helps you recognize your date's type early in phases of dating. Of the aspects that set this book apart from others on the market, I appreciate the neurobiology-based insights and suggestions especially.
As the title "Wired for Dating" suggests, this book is more focused on how to make better decisions when you're on a date, rather than focusing on navigating existing relationships. If you're already in the relationship of question, the author's author book, "Wired for Love" may be the one for you.
As the title "Wired for Dating" suggests, this book is more focused on how to make better decisions when you're on a date, rather than focusing on navigating existing relationships. If you're already in the relationship of question, the author's author book, "Wired for Love" may be the one for you.
February 21, 2021
As someone who finds it impossible to abandon a book once I’ve started it, I can’t tell you how glad I am to be free of this dry, depressing manifesto. While it did present a *few* useful concepts, I had a hard time stomaching the central posit that dating and love are necessary to lead a fulfilling life. I’m not looking to date because I’m convinced I’m empty without it, and this book suggesting such annoyed me deeply.
The writing was also somehow dry and uninteresting without being very educational or teaching me much. Also, the writer utilized the idea of attachment styles, but then renamed them - just use the names that already exist in the psych world! I felt like I knew a bit too much about attachment styles for this to be useful, but still, to read 200 pages and learn hardly anything... exhausting.
I’ve decided I’m never reading a self help book again, gonna just raw dog life and read for enjoyment.
The writing was also somehow dry and uninteresting without being very educational or teaching me much. Also, the writer utilized the idea of attachment styles, but then renamed them - just use the names that already exist in the psych world! I felt like I knew a bit too much about attachment styles for this to be useful, but still, to read 200 pages and learn hardly anything... exhausting.
I’ve decided I’m never reading a self help book again, gonna just raw dog life and read for enjoyment.
March 15, 2023
Nothing groundbreaking but a good summary and dumbed-down version of attachment styles and relationship science. Doesn’t really talk much about neurobiology, but brings up some good points and examples about other topics. The example conversations to illustrate how people with different attachment styles act were interesting. And the chapter about saying goodbye in case of incompatibility was quite refreshing since many books on relationships don’t talk about this part. The idea of developing a couple pact and the examples given were also pretty useful.
January 14, 2025
Supremely insightful journey through the psychology and social parameters around modern dating. With a focus on attachment styles, Tatkin concisely guides the reader through a maze of entanglement and self loathing, to come out the other side with understanding and tools to help one's self better analyze potential partners as well as be successful in maintaining and growing closer in a romantic relationship.
September 5, 2019
Great advice on dating based on attachment style. I didn't care for the Sherlocking part of the advice, it felt kind of invasive.
July 6, 2022
This gave me insights into how my childhood and previous relationships have affected my current dating style however it didn’t provide any help to work through the deep seated issues.
October 24, 2021
Some of the ideas in this book kicked me in the face and how dare they perceive me. Definitely a good one with food for thought for some self introspection time!
November 26, 2021
Listened to the audiobook 🎧 The book was interesting and I liked to hear about all the findings of the studies
April 24, 2025
(I’m so glad that I didn’t skip over this book - I thought the author’s earlier book, Wired For Love taught me everything I needed to know - nope, this book taught me even more. Oh and - I highly recommend reading his other book first before reading this book. Think of this book as a sequel to his earlier book.)
First of all - one of the most important points the author raised through this book is that we’re all products of our own childhood (and to some extent, our genetics). We might think we have “free will”, but the very idea of “free will” is flawed - we only know what we know, and how we organize our lives is based entirely upon what we know as a child, then later, as an adult. So the very idea of “free” is predicated upon the reality of “not so free”. The author wrote:
Ego is also on the way - the author noted that after writing his earlier book Wired for Love, a lot of his readers wrote to him, complaining about their partners:
In the book, the author describes anchors as people who grew up in a relatively secure environment, with plenty of parental love but not excess of it. The other two types - island and waves, did not grow up with secure parents. The problem with our ego is that we’re too stubborn and too egotistical to admit that perhaps our childhood was not as perfect as we’d like it to be and perhaps we’re flawed and not “secured”. But yet, how we were parented growing up is not our own doing, and admitting it makes mating much easier: we know instantly what we should expect from ourselves, and we should let our partner know what they should expect of us. And our partner should do the same to us. The author in the book points out that he too, did not grow up in a secure parental style and he labels himself more as a “wave”, which brings me to my next point: I realized that I too, am a wave.
So what exactly is a wave? Unlike island children who grew up not getting enough parental love and internalized that not getting attention is the way life ought to be. Island children seek themselves as a whole and aim to be as dependent as possible. Wave children, on the other hand, periodically received parental love, yet it was then taken away from them rather suddenly. They internalized that in order to get love from other people, they need to put other people first. The author wrote:
Yet, they feel utter resentment when the other people do not reciprocate their kind gesture. The author wrote:
When waves sense that the other partner is not equally reciprocating their love, ironically, they pull away. The author elaborated:
The author believes that waves should know themselves well, and use their non-primitive brain to prime themselves, as well as their partners, to their behavior (since the author has repeated numerous times that it’s our primitive brain that’s in control. Whenever we feel we’re in the similar situation as our childhood trauma, our primitive brain kicks our wave behavior back in). The author wrote, in the case that our primitive instincts kicks in:
There are few other great points the author has brought out through the book: for instance, our primitive brain is very adept at finding our partners rather efficiently through appearances. Yet, many people blame their partner picking skill as subpar - the author noted that it’s possibly not the case. The reality is that our primitive brain only gets us the first stage - our sexual compatibility - we then have to vet our partner. The author recommends having our partner socialize with our family members (same and opposite sex) and have our family member give us the blunt-est assessment. Chances are, they’re more neutral than us because they’ll be using less of their primitive brain and more of their sophisticated, “ambassador” brain.
Overall, a fantastic book. It’s giving me a lot to think about.
First of all - one of the most important points the author raised through this book is that we’re all products of our own childhood (and to some extent, our genetics). We might think we have “free will”, but the very idea of “free will” is flawed - we only know what we know, and how we organize our lives is based entirely upon what we know as a child, then later, as an adult. So the very idea of “free” is predicated upon the reality of “not so free”. The author wrote:
… you’d probably like to think of yourself as conscious and in charge of your own mind - and to some degree of course you are. But I think it’s useful to consider that, arguably, you are mostly not… because most of the time you act and react using the automatic part of your brain… especially when you feel over stressed, threatened, or endangered, your primitives shoot first and ask questions later. This can get you into hot water with your partner - who, naturally, is acting and reacting in the same manner.
Ego is also on the way - the author noted that after writing his earlier book Wired for Love, a lot of his readers wrote to him, complaining about their partners:
They complain that their relationship is not as secure as they expect it to be. And they blame their partners. Invariably, these people label themselves as anchors. However, their letters also reveal some dead giveaways about their true relationship style. One doesn’t need to be much of a Sherlock to see that they are not quite the anchors they think they are.
In the book, the author describes anchors as people who grew up in a relatively secure environment, with plenty of parental love but not excess of it. The other two types - island and waves, did not grow up with secure parents. The problem with our ego is that we’re too stubborn and too egotistical to admit that perhaps our childhood was not as perfect as we’d like it to be and perhaps we’re flawed and not “secured”. But yet, how we were parented growing up is not our own doing, and admitting it makes mating much easier: we know instantly what we should expect from ourselves, and we should let our partner know what they should expect of us. And our partner should do the same to us. The author in the book points out that he too, did not grow up in a secure parental style and he labels himself more as a “wave”, which brings me to my next point: I realized that I too, am a wave.
So what exactly is a wave? Unlike island children who grew up not getting enough parental love and internalized that not getting attention is the way life ought to be. Island children seek themselves as a whole and aim to be as dependent as possible. Wave children, on the other hand, periodically received parental love, yet it was then taken away from them rather suddenly. They internalized that in order to get love from other people, they need to put other people first. The author wrote:
… waves come to dating with worries about reencourinering the relationship dangers of their childhood. Their primary fear is being abandoned, punished, or rejected… Waves love to interact through talk and touch. They want to hold your hand, and always want a hug if you Separate for any length of time. They are happiest and most relaxed when they are around people… Their impulse is to take care of others, even if it means sacrificing their own needs… In relationships, waves can come across as high-maintenance, needy, dependent, overwhelming and overly emotional.
Yet, they feel utter resentment when the other people do not reciprocate their kind gesture. The author wrote:
… they end up secretly disappointed and resentful that the favor is not being returned. They can anger easily and persevere or obsess over past injuries to themselves or others. They desperately want love and companionship, but they are not always sure it is worth the risk.
When waves sense that the other partner is not equally reciprocating their love, ironically, they pull away. The author elaborated:
… In one moment they may cling and in the next they’re out the door, or at least threatening to leave. “I can’t do it without you” suddenly becomes more like “I can’t do it either with you or without you!”… the truth is that despite all their pushing away, what they really want is for the partner to move towards them. It’s like a test: if I leave, will you care enough to come after me? They want proof that they are wanted and that what they have given will be reciprocated. For this to happen, they need to see a partner move towards them and flood them with positive emotions.
The author believes that waves should know themselves well, and use their non-primitive brain to prime themselves, as well as their partners, to their behavior (since the author has repeated numerous times that it’s our primitive brain that’s in control. Whenever we feel we’re in the similar situation as our childhood trauma, our primitive brain kicks our wave behavior back in). The author wrote, in the case that our primitive instincts kicks in:
… If this happens, repair it immediately. For example, you could say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push you away. What I really want is to be close to you right now.” And initiate a huge yourself.
There are few other great points the author has brought out through the book: for instance, our primitive brain is very adept at finding our partners rather efficiently through appearances. Yet, many people blame their partner picking skill as subpar - the author noted that it’s possibly not the case. The reality is that our primitive brain only gets us the first stage - our sexual compatibility - we then have to vet our partner. The author recommends having our partner socialize with our family members (same and opposite sex) and have our family member give us the blunt-est assessment. Chances are, they’re more neutral than us because they’ll be using less of their primitive brain and more of their sophisticated, “ambassador” brain.
Overall, a fantastic book. It’s giving me a lot to think about.
December 28, 2018
This book focuses on how to develop and sustain secure, happy and healthy relationships in dating. Tatkin argues that our attachment style is hard-wired into us at an early age and dictates subsequent behavior in interpersonal relationships.
I found most interesting the chapters devoted to the three basic types of attachment in relationships, i.e., those who function as an anchor, island, or wave. I could definitely see aspects of myself in both the anchor (healthy attaches from healthy families who read others well) and island types (self-soothers who enjoy their independence and process a lot internally). This book didn’t blow me away or anything but I’m definitely interested in how humans interact with others and the world around them, so I’d recommend it, particularly for those readers who love to read books about interpersonal relationships.
I found most interesting the chapters devoted to the three basic types of attachment in relationships, i.e., those who function as an anchor, island, or wave. I could definitely see aspects of myself in both the anchor (healthy attaches from healthy families who read others well) and island types (self-soothers who enjoy their independence and process a lot internally). This book didn’t blow me away or anything but I’m definitely interested in how humans interact with others and the world around them, so I’d recommend it, particularly for those readers who love to read books about interpersonal relationships.
March 17, 2024
This and Wired For Love are essential reading for all people who have romantic relationships, IMO.
I found the sections about “anchor”, “wave” and “island” attachment so interesting and instantly understandable/relatable. Also, I’ve read a few books about attachment and thus far found this to be the most none stigmatising and nuanced and inclusive - I.e multiple same sex relationship examples, and relaying the importance of acknowledging the fluidity of attachment styles whilst explaining thoroughly how they can form, shape and change across one’s life.
I found the sections about “anchor”, “wave” and “island” attachment so interesting and instantly understandable/relatable. Also, I’ve read a few books about attachment and thus far found this to be the most none stigmatising and nuanced and inclusive - I.e multiple same sex relationship examples, and relaying the importance of acknowledging the fluidity of attachment styles whilst explaining thoroughly how they can form, shape and change across one’s life.
August 2, 2020
Another attachment style one. I think it needed to be read after Attached (which explained the attachment styles better) and gave a bit more color to healthy relationship styles. I loved the part about how partners should strive for mutuality, making sure your partner isn't uncomfortable with something, and sometimes finding the compromise. Real talk. I also saved the little bit about what partnerships should bring and why you'd want to be in one.
October 11, 2020
Good intro into attachment theory, some anecdotes on being transparent and working with different communication styles. Applies not only to romantic relationships, can see this applied to how you relate on a professional level, with friends and family, etc.
Would not recommend the audiobook. 1) narrator is nasaly, 2) there's some good questions and quizzes to extract from this book. Having it in print would have been a better way to experience this book.
Would not recommend the audiobook. 1) narrator is nasaly, 2) there's some good questions and quizzes to extract from this book. Having it in print would have been a better way to experience this book.
May 24, 2021
I generally dislike when books dumb down clear terms from the scientific literature, and this book does so a lot — renaming anxious as wave, avoidant as island, and secure as anchors. The ideas presented in the book are generally useful, though I found one of the (positive) example scenarios pretty creepy. I would recommend this book, and have done so, to two people since finishing it a few weeks ago.
May 3, 2025
Interesting insights! Quick read that helps you identify your attachment style and how that affects your dating life.
April 6, 2025
“Watch what happens when you just give them space to be themselves.” - Unknown
This book was so healing. I admittedly have tiptoed here to address this topic head on in reading and I would imagine a lot of readers picking this up have done the same. I would gift this to yourself wherever you are in your dating journey and also to anyone you know who is exploring the journey themselves. This would be a great book for book clubs seeking to understand dating and attachment theory or exploring interpersonal relationships.
I highly recommend this for all who seek to get to know themselves on a deeper emotional level and seek a partner that wants the same for themselves or seek deeper intimacy in your current relationship. Couples at any stage of relationship may find this beneficial if hitting road blocks they can’t get past, and seek to. It’s based in science and, even while having thousands of hours of therapy completed, the new concepts presented really brought much of what I have learned together for the purpose of exploring this subject while also presenting entirely new theories, concepts, and exercises. Readers will find something positive to take away from this and I would consider it a top three dating book for me in all I have read.
“Another person is more complex than anything your brain will ever come across.”
“Personally, I think this should make you hopeful of your future love relationship. Why? Because the antidote to the loss of novelty lies in the return to mindful attention. That’s right. Your sherlocking skills are not just for dating, they’re forever. The way to maintain exciting love is to be fully present with your partner and to pay close attention to his quirks and complexity.
Secure functioning couples understand that this is the fuel for a long term relationship. They understand they are in each other’s care and that inattention to each other is tantamount to neglect, and will only breed boredom, apathy, and antipathy.”
I appreciated what this book offers in terms of exercises for exploring self and all attachment styles. We are all in different places emotionally based on our lived experience and intersections. Learning how to sit with that, without judgement, transforms perception, action, and relationships. This will no doubt also offer the potential for positive impact on all interpersonal relationships and partnerships in application of non-judgmental communication and expand compassion in general.
“Issues of justice, fairness, and sensitivity can mount up and unless the partners learn how to appreciate and work with each other’s different styles, they are unlikely to make it together over the long run.”
“Good relationships don’t stem from perfect behavior, but rather willingness to admit mistakes and make amends. It’s all about amends. Some people have such a long history of pain and hurt that they run rough shot over their partners and expect to get away with it. Others don’t notice the injuries they cause others. It may look like they simply don’t care, but some people are unable to tell if their partners are happy. Perhaps the most common cause of break ups is the inability to notice and respond post haste.”
This book was so healing. I admittedly have tiptoed here to address this topic head on in reading and I would imagine a lot of readers picking this up have done the same. I would gift this to yourself wherever you are in your dating journey and also to anyone you know who is exploring the journey themselves. This would be a great book for book clubs seeking to understand dating and attachment theory or exploring interpersonal relationships.
I highly recommend this for all who seek to get to know themselves on a deeper emotional level and seek a partner that wants the same for themselves or seek deeper intimacy in your current relationship. Couples at any stage of relationship may find this beneficial if hitting road blocks they can’t get past, and seek to. It’s based in science and, even while having thousands of hours of therapy completed, the new concepts presented really brought much of what I have learned together for the purpose of exploring this subject while also presenting entirely new theories, concepts, and exercises. Readers will find something positive to take away from this and I would consider it a top three dating book for me in all I have read.
“Another person is more complex than anything your brain will ever come across.”
“Personally, I think this should make you hopeful of your future love relationship. Why? Because the antidote to the loss of novelty lies in the return to mindful attention. That’s right. Your sherlocking skills are not just for dating, they’re forever. The way to maintain exciting love is to be fully present with your partner and to pay close attention to his quirks and complexity.
Secure functioning couples understand that this is the fuel for a long term relationship. They understand they are in each other’s care and that inattention to each other is tantamount to neglect, and will only breed boredom, apathy, and antipathy.”
I appreciated what this book offers in terms of exercises for exploring self and all attachment styles. We are all in different places emotionally based on our lived experience and intersections. Learning how to sit with that, without judgement, transforms perception, action, and relationships. This will no doubt also offer the potential for positive impact on all interpersonal relationships and partnerships in application of non-judgmental communication and expand compassion in general.
“Issues of justice, fairness, and sensitivity can mount up and unless the partners learn how to appreciate and work with each other’s different styles, they are unlikely to make it together over the long run.”
“Good relationships don’t stem from perfect behavior, but rather willingness to admit mistakes and make amends. It’s all about amends. Some people have such a long history of pain and hurt that they run rough shot over their partners and expect to get away with it. Others don’t notice the injuries they cause others. It may look like they simply don’t care, but some people are unable to tell if their partners are happy. Perhaps the most common cause of break ups is the inability to notice and respond post haste.”
April 25, 2025
This books starts with how people get drawn to relationships that are pleasurable in the short-term (the chemistry, literally) and not immediately attracted to relationships with high long-term compatibility. The first half of the book is largely about these general dating insights and busting common myths about dating and relationships. The second half dives into attachment theory. This book makes the jargon of attachment theory more approachable and less judgmental through the use of these type categories: anchor (secure), island (avoidant), and wave (anxious). It recognizes that these types are a spectrum and no individual is perfectly secure 100% of the time. It also acknowledges the nuance of the wave (anxious) type: most of the time they pull towards you, but occasionally the fear of abandonment causes them to also push you away. It helps you recognize your date's type early in phases of dating. Of the aspects that set this book apart from others on the market, I appreciate the neurobiology-based insights and suggestions especially.
As the title "Wired for Dating" suggests, this book is more focused on how to make better decisions when you're on a date, rather than focusing on navigating existing relationships. If you're already in the relationship of question, the author's author book, "Wired for Love" may be the one for you.
As the title "Wired for Dating" suggests, this book is more focused on how to make better decisions when you're on a date, rather than focusing on navigating existing relationships. If you're already in the relationship of question, the author's author book, "Wired for Love" may be the one for you.
July 20, 2023
I read a self help book.
I’m gonna need a couple more seconds to process that.
I just finished reading a self help book.
Now that that is processed, I read a psychology/neuroscience derived self help book. This is a line I never thought I’d cross, but here I’m standing on the other side of the shore. And, I have my thoughts and concerns.
My scientific mind believes that it is a gross misuse of neuroscience to extend it to behaviour, let alone to a whole set of complex behavioural toolkit of dating. Sure, one can always draw correlations and hypothesis but I was very much irked by the prevailing old brain/new brain assumptions being weaved into the book - almost on every page.
Now, my personal mind. What does it think? I’d say about half of the book was useful in trying to figure out myself and my needs and wants. But I also largely found myself unable to relate to a large part of the book; not because I haven’t had an experience but because it painted a picture of relationships very different from what I had in mind.
Overall, it was a good short read. More like a manual, if anything. Which is probably the problem, coz I don’t think relationships can have a set number of instructions and work based on that.
I’m gonna need a couple more seconds to process that.
I just finished reading a self help book.
Now that that is processed, I read a psychology/neuroscience derived self help book. This is a line I never thought I’d cross, but here I’m standing on the other side of the shore. And, I have my thoughts and concerns.
My scientific mind believes that it is a gross misuse of neuroscience to extend it to behaviour, let alone to a whole set of complex behavioural toolkit of dating. Sure, one can always draw correlations and hypothesis but I was very much irked by the prevailing old brain/new brain assumptions being weaved into the book - almost on every page.
Now, my personal mind. What does it think? I’d say about half of the book was useful in trying to figure out myself and my needs and wants. But I also largely found myself unable to relate to a large part of the book; not because I haven’t had an experience but because it painted a picture of relationships very different from what I had in mind.
Overall, it was a good short read. More like a manual, if anything. Which is probably the problem, coz I don’t think relationships can have a set number of instructions and work based on that.
May 13, 2025
I only rank this 4 stars because is seemed to be repetitious with the Wired for Love. I think the Wired for Love was about the best book I read on a better relationship. i am very much a believer in Attachment Theory, and he makes excellent use of this to explain how to build a strong relationship dependent on the Attachment of the people involved. Since I am of one attachment style and am not sure of the attachment styles of those I have been with, I cannot really comment of the effectiveness of his suggestions, but I think it makes sense. He also talks about building a contract for a couple, and I think this is an excellent idea. I think it can keep a relationship from slipping if both parties remand that other of when they are breaking their agreement, and it they are serious about the relationship. they should be more than willing to adjust appropriately. Another thing he brings up is the couple bubble which he went into more detail in his other book. I think this is also something a couple needs to support for a strong lasting relationship. If want to build a stronger couple relationship, then I think this or Wired for Loving is a good book t read and think reflect on what the book conveys. I hope I will be given a chance to put what I have learned to effect in my next relationship to make it more fulfilling for both me and my partner. Feels like I will never be given a chance. Maybe this book can help, and maybe I should read it again.
June 28, 2025
The author was recommended to me because I can be very wary of people and relationships and this author discusses the topic in an easy-to-understand way that gave me plenty to think about. There were moments I felt I didn’t agree or didn’t think XYZ thing would work for me in a relationship, but I also finished the book with an understanding in myself that there is no perfect formula to a relationship. You can do all kinds of research and know all the tricks and still you’ll get on each other’s nerves, or argue, or have bad days. It’s normal (to a certain degree ofc), and I did like how much I learnt about myself as I went through the activities and reflected on my answers.
A short read, but one I paced myself with to have time for reflection. An activity and a helpful list of quick dos and don’ts for each chapter to sum things up. All in all I quite enjoyed the book. The author’s use of hypothetical storylines also helped to put things in a more tangible perspective. Putting the theory to a scenario made it easier to understand what a certain behaviour for example may look or sound like and while some I recognized, others I realized I’d seen in other people before and missed because we didn’t have the same relationship style. Very informative.
A short read, but one I paced myself with to have time for reflection. An activity and a helpful list of quick dos and don’ts for each chapter to sum things up. All in all I quite enjoyed the book. The author’s use of hypothetical storylines also helped to put things in a more tangible perspective. Putting the theory to a scenario made it easier to understand what a certain behaviour for example may look or sound like and while some I recognized, others I realized I’d seen in other people before and missed because we didn’t have the same relationship style. Very informative.
June 21, 2025
I really, really appreciated this book. The author—also a therapist—offered such thoughtful and practical insights. So much of what he shares feels like common sense once you read it, but the way he breaks it down is just so well done.
I especially enjoyed the idea of making a pact and his guidance around vetting, “Sherlocking,” and how to approach dating with intention and clarity. It was incredibly helpful for a single gal like me trying to find meaning and purpose in dating. And honestly? It gave me hope, which is a gift in itself.
The only reason it’s not a 5-star (4.5 rating) for me is that I was hoping for a bit more depth on the psychological and neurobiological aspects. He touched on them, but I would’ve loved more detail there. Still—an amazing read. So glad I picked this one up.
I especially enjoyed the idea of making a pact and his guidance around vetting, “Sherlocking,” and how to approach dating with intention and clarity. It was incredibly helpful for a single gal like me trying to find meaning and purpose in dating. And honestly? It gave me hope, which is a gift in itself.
The only reason it’s not a 5-star (4.5 rating) for me is that I was hoping for a bit more depth on the psychological and neurobiological aspects. He touched on them, but I would’ve loved more detail there. Still—an amazing read. So glad I picked this one up.
June 26, 2025
Tatkin classifies attachment into three styles:
Anchors (secure): Comfortable with intimacy and independence.
Islands (avoidant): Highly self-reliant, uncomfortable with closeness.
Waves (anxious-ambivalent): Crave closeness but fear abandonment.
He teaches readers to identify their own style and that of potential partners to navigate compatibility and avoid misfires.
If you do decide to couple up based on finding someone through a dating app, or old fashioned methods like meeting people, then Tatkin urges doing the work of making a relationship actually prosper: focus on co-regulation, which means synchronizing nervous systems, building mutual trust, and creating consistent rituals. The goal is a “secure-functioning” bond rooted in fairness, respect, and emotional safety. Amen. May it be so.
Anchors (secure): Comfortable with intimacy and independence.
Islands (avoidant): Highly self-reliant, uncomfortable with closeness.
Waves (anxious-ambivalent): Crave closeness but fear abandonment.
He teaches readers to identify their own style and that of potential partners to navigate compatibility and avoid misfires.
If you do decide to couple up based on finding someone through a dating app, or old fashioned methods like meeting people, then Tatkin urges doing the work of making a relationship actually prosper: focus on co-regulation, which means synchronizing nervous systems, building mutual trust, and creating consistent rituals. The goal is a “secure-functioning” bond rooted in fairness, respect, and emotional safety. Amen. May it be so.
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