The Heart of the Fight: A Couple's Guide to Fifteen Common Fights, What They Really Mean, and How They Can Bring You Closer

by Judith Wright, Bob Wright

Every couple fights—it’s how you fight that can determine the success of your relationship. This book teaches you to look beyond what you and your partner fight about, and discover the core issues that undermine your relationship. In the midst of a disagreement, many couples ask themselves, “What are we really fighting about?” Sound familiar? As it turns out, breakups and divorce don’t happen because couples fight, they happen because of how couples fight. In this much-needed book, Judith and Bob Wright—two married counselors and coaches with over thirty years of experience helping couples learn how to fight well—present their tried-and-true methods for exploring the emotions that underlie many relationship fights. In this unique guide, you’ll learn how to use disagreements as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of your partner, bring more intimacy to the relationship, strengthen your bond, and really learn from the conflicts and tensions that occur between you. You’ll also learn how to navigate the fifteen most common fights couples have, including “the blame game,” “dueling over dollars,” “If you really loved me, you’d…,” “told-you-so’s,” and more. If you’re ready to start fighting for your love, rather than against it, this book will show you how.

Genres: Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Marriage, Psychology

264 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 2015

Reviews

[Malou · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really like how this book is "not about conflict but about embracing conflict for greater love and satisfaction". In other words it doesn't shame us for loosing the plot, instead it guides us towards being more aware, more in the now if you like, and understanding our fighting styles and our partners. A bit like meditating in a way is my first thought.. don't push the feeling or thought away, stay with it!

Its an easy read and actually kind of funny. There are real life examples that are interesting to skim through.. like looking in to other peoples windows. Also little tests to do to see what kind of fighter you are and what you can do to change yourself rather than the other person.

So, I enjoyed this book but I didn't enjoy that it was a book, I would much prefer a "Novella" on the topic. I got bored, it didn't lead me towards a big AHA moment etc. Basically, I am a fiction reader type of a gal and this portion was to big for me.

If you do enjoy self help books and has a sense of humor I think you'd like this one.

[Andrea Norton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a copy of The Heart of the Fight from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

I've made 2016 all about reading books that I normally wouldn't read. Before this year, I hadn't picked up a relationship book since 2003, when I was 18 years old and believed there was a lot wrong with me, based on what my then-boyfriend (future ex-husband) said to me on a daily basis. It was a very popular book back then, and still is. It left me even more confused. I swore off those kinds of books and never picked another one up... until this year.

I've read a handful of relationship books this year, not because I believe my marriage needs help, not because something is wrong with my husband Sean and I, and not because I feel lost. I'm reading them because I am genuinely curious as to what they say, and because while Sean and I have a beautiful marriage, we both believe we can always improve. We've encountered advice that is contradictory; advice that makes us cringe; advice that we've taken; a ton of exercises, and a few rare gems that are absolutely astonishing books.

The Heart of the Fight is one of those books. When I read books like this, I read the and discuss it with Sean as I go and then after I finish. We answer all the questions and do all of the exercises together. We've had a lot of fun doing them and have even learned a thing or two about each other. After awhile, though, the exercises tend to blend together and the relationship questions sound the same. Out of all of the books I've read, only four of them stand out as truly sensational, and The Heart of the Fight is one of the four.

I immediately related to Judith and Bob. They are what the world would call a "real couple". They fight and make up; hurt each other and help each other. They would go to the ends of the earth for each other but have some big fights. Right away, I saw Sean and myself in them and was very comfortable reading advice, stories and ideas that they have because of how honest they are. The introduction gave me a sense of ease that this was not just another relationship book and that the Wright's know what they're talking about because they've been there - they are all of us when we fight with the person we love most.

The Heart of the Fight is not your run of the mill relationship advice book. A lot of what you will read will go against everything we're taught about how to fight, how to act and how to play our part in a relationship. The Wright's don't pull any chains - they're honest. We're going to hurt each other, we will say things we don't mean, we'll act like jerks and we'll regret things we say and do. They don't just leave the reader hanging. They don't recommend the usual "do this or say that". They tell you how to fight effectively and productively, and how to learn and grow from those fights - both as an individual and as couple. You'll see why it's important to be you while you are a part of a relationship.

There is advice and ideas about how to deal with several different types of fights. This book gets really, really deep, to the root cause of things. Your past does matter more than a lot of people realize. Many people don't want to talk about their pasts, but the Wright's tell you why keeping it in is a bad idea. With me, it was not my childhood. I had an amazing childhood with parents who couldn't have been better. Today, because of how I was raised, they are my best friends but still my parents first. My past came with my first marriage, and I carried it with me. I blamed Sean for a lot of what happened before he was in my life, but we fought through it together so I could heal and let go. Before I read this book, I knew what I was doing, and finally admitted it to Sean. I was terrified he'd be insulted and furious, but instead I was met with a lot of love and understanding, and we healed together. The Heart of the Fight tells you how to do just that - how you can be open about your past, heal it and grow together from it. That can seem impossible, but with this method, the impossible becomes possible.

Sean has his own set of pain that we are working on together. While we've both made huge amounts of progress, we're taking what The Heart of the Fight said seriously and implementing it into our lives to continue to grow together. We've come a long way from years ago, when our fights were very painful and explosive - and not in a good way. When I went into reading this book, I didn't think I'd recognize as much as I did, but I did see two fight types that we identify with. I pointed it out to Sean, and he said, "huh. Okay, so what does it say? What can we do about that?" We're taking the techniques and using them long term. A great thing about this method is that even if your partner isn't on board with doing it with you, you can do it alone and still make great progress.

Sean and I are both Alphas, and we're together 24/7. It started with me quitting work and school to be home with him after he got hurt in Iraq. While Sean may think I'm a Superhero, I can't be in two places at once and being with him as he got better was my first priority, so it wasn't really a choice to stay home with him. I happily did it, and while it was trying, it brought us closer. Today he doesn't need me 24/7, although I do need to be home frequently. I found ways to do everything from home because we just love being together. I have the option of having a job away from home now, but we prefer it like this. We have our alone time while we're still together, have hobbies that the other isn't involved in and always have something to talk about at the end of the day. Even though we're right next to each other, we save it for the end of the day. The Heart of the Fight talks at length about being your own person, your best self. Somehow, Sean and I have been managing to do that while being together constantly. This book has ideas and advice about being your best self that neither of us thought of that we're going to start doing.

Like every other couple, Sean and I fight. It's gotten so much better over the years, but it still happens. Neither of us like it, but our style has changed as we've grown. Getting married even changed our fighting style. No matter what people say, marriage does change you and your relationship. You can't just go running out the door, never to return. You can't just pack up your stuff and go to your mom's while you look for a new place. You really are in it together now, more so than you ever were. Your fighting style may change after you get married to a different type of fight. No matter which type it is, The Heart of the Fight will help with understanding why that happens and how to effectively handle it. Don't worry, even the dreaded 'money fight' is covered here.

Sean and I will both admit that we want to throw each other off the balcony into a snow bank at times. But, we both always say that if we ever did that, we'd beat the other one to the bottom and catch them before they landed. We have a "rule" that is a joke now: neither of us can ever permanently leave, because we'd have to take the other with us. That came from my fear of being abandoned. I developed that in my first marriage and in the beginning, when Sean and I would fight, I would go into panic mode if he left the room. He'd go to the bathroom and in my head, he was never coming back. He was leaving me. No, the poor guy just had to use the bathroom. The Heart of the Fight talks about why people have reactions like that and how to fix them.

There are stories of people that the Wright's have met and helped over the years. They come from all walks of life and have very different stories. The one thing they all have in common is they've done the methods laid out in this book, and they've been successful. Some are married, some aren't. They're various ages, some are parents, some have very bad pasts, others have great pasts. Despite all of the differences, each of the stories are things we all can relate to, and are real world examples. You won't read that John and Jane did this thing one time and suddenly it was glorious. What you will read is how these couples, including the Wright's, decided that they were going to do this method and gave it their all. You'll read about how they succeeded and what they had to go through to get there.

There is a stigma today that fighting is a huge no-no in a relationship. The common belief is that if you fight, you are done for. You don't belong together, there is no hope, you might as well cut your losses and run. After all, you won't fight with your soul mate. It would be rainbows and butterflies all the time, you'd always agree and you would never hurt each other. There is even that saying that is now a meme that says a real man will never make a woman cry.

The Wright's tell you why all of that is a bunch of hot air. They explain why fighting is actually healthy and how, if done right, it can enhance your relationship. They tell you how to effectively fight and they're honest about it. Just because you fight doesn't mean you are doomed. You can be with the perfect person for you and still argue. It doesn't spell disaster -it means something different, which they lay out beautifully. Oh, and that real men won't make a woman cry thing? The Wright's will tell you why beliefs like that can be dangerous for a relationship - for yourself and your partner. The truth is, you are going to cry at some point from a fight. That doesn't make the man you are with any less of a man. The reasons why make perfect sense, something I've always suspected but never had any real proof of, until now. Sean's made me cry in the past. That doesn't make him any less of a man or a bad husband. I received a sincere apology, the effort to not say those things again, and a whole of of love. We talked it out, I forgave him, and we moved on. Nothing was ever hung over his head - done is done. The Wright's talk about why done really should be done and the power of a sincere apology.

You will get back to basics as you go through The Heart of the Fight. The basics of relationships, the basics of who you are, the basics of who your partner is. You'll start at the beginning and learn just how important yearnings are and why we all need to know what our personal yearnings mean for us, our relationships and our partners. The Wright's tell you why the usual relationship advice doesn't work and even give proof of it not working. You will examine yourself at the deepest levels, from your fears to your joys and everything in between. If you don't know where to start but have been wanting to dig deeper, rest assured that it is all laid out here for you and it's very easy to follow.

If you are fighting a lot with your partner, this book is for you. You'll find help, real world advice, and no sugarcoating. You'll get honesty, a well laid out plan and a new way of thinking from The Heart of the Fight. If you don't fight a lot but when you do, a lot of damage is done, you may benefit from this book. Are you single and wondering why it didn't work out, why you always have the same fights but with different people, or why you just don't mesh with anyone? Give The Heart of the Fight a try. You could be someone who has sworn off relationships, vowing to be alone forever because the fighting and the hurt is just too much. Check out this book, there is a lot to be taken away from it.

This is one of those rare books that isn't just for one group of people. While it is a relationship book, I believe that nearly everyone can benefit from it and have a great take away. Sean and I certainly did. This is a book that I'd recommend to everyone, regardless of their situation - a book that everyone should read at least once in their lives. When you buy this book, it is more of an investment. You'll be investing in yourself, in your partner (if you have one) and in your future.

[Gertrude Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

All couples need this book! It should be required reading before you get your marriage license. That "love is messy" and "relationships take work" are just two lessons that have the power to change a good relationship into a great relationship. The Evolating Process is a model for consciously engaging in your own transformation developed by Dr. Judith Wright. This model applied to relationships provides a pathway for deep, satisfying, empowering relationships. It has already made a significant difference in getting closer with my husband!

[Kate Puleo Unger · Rating 2 out of 5]

The authors believe that fighting can be healthy as long as you know how to fight. Fighting gets things out in the open instead of covering up potential issues or disagreements. Basically, they instruct the reader to look for the underlying yearnings beneath the surface of the argument. They combat many myths about relationships, i.e. being with the right person makes you happy. And they share real stories about real couples and their arguments.

The first section of the book lays out the 15 types of fights. Then the second part walks through 6 tools to dismantle the fights and uncover the yearning beneath. I found the topic very interesting and even their approach made a lot of sense. I was able to relate to many of the types of fights and scenarios they laid out. And there were many tips for examining behavior and feelings and becoming more self aware.

But my issue with this book is that it doesn't seem like something a couple could actually apply without a counselor's help. It seems unrealistic to ask people who are having relationship problems to self-discover issues from their past that may be leading to attachment issues, for example.

The text was quite long as well. The introduction was about 26% of the book and dragged a bit for me. Then when it got into the meat of the book, I had a hard time keeping up with all the small strategies being shared. I almost gave up and didn't finish this book. Most likely it's not really meant to be read cover to cover. It could be a useful reference guide, but I think their techniques are more likely something that should be taught to counselors to help in their sessions of couples therapy.

http://www.momsradius.com/2016/02/boo...

[Megan Taylor · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book, especially as a single.. it gave me great insight into what a successful marriage could be! I see how I have been looking for a happy relationship with few fights, and can see now how I have had limited thinking. The book helped me change conversations on dates from nice chatter to deep meaningful engagement. I would recommend this for singles and couples!

[Michelle Albaugh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book takes a different stance on relationships. It cuts right through the mythology of what makes for a good relationship and into the nitty gritty of the ways that my husband and I work against our relationship by the ways we fight. We are learning to incorporate the 7 "rules of engagement" into how we are with each other, and they helped de-escalate our fights and even prevented some of them as we have gotten to the "heart" of the matter of what we both want or even yearn for with and from each other. Agreeing that we will not assign more that 50% of the blame on either one of us is the standard we have been working on 1st, and it's really helping. It's also been challenging to "agree with the truth, aways" in what the other is saying, when I'd rather be "right." Challenging instruction that is helping both of us grow more into the people we envisioned we would be in our marriage.

It strikes me that these guidelines are helpful for navigating conflict in all sorts of different contexts, from friendships to work relationships and others.

[Steven · Rating 2 out of 5]

Overall, I did not find this to be an enjoyable, or realistically helpful, read. Right off the bat, the authors claim to use accessible language but I did not find that to be the case. The text is overly wordy and could have been condensed considerably. Catchphrases were overused. The premise encouraged more fighting and less filtering, and was critical of well-known standards (such as "I statements" and affirmations). Yet the recommended steps felt most akin to visualization and conjuring without actionable components, or at least not actionable components without therapist intervention. Example resolutions included "John and Jane did the steps and now they both have PhDs and wildly successful careers!" and "Introvert Scott became an extrovert and everything is okay now!" which seemed overly optimistic and unrelatable for most readers.

Criticism aside, there were a few redeeming components: delineation of productive and unproductive argument styles; recognition of underlying needs; and, acknowledgment of attachment styles.

[Claire Nolan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I checked it out bc it was unlimited at the library. The beginning was blah and I thought they were a little cray with all the “battling to bliss” talk. Then came the part where they said it’s better to be the angry person than the stonewalled. At least the angry person is trying to communicate. yipesssssss. Then I began to understand what they were getting. Both parties have to be willing to show up and say their bit. To figure out what they’re really upset about instead of surface level upset about. End of the book had lots of useful info. I’d find this helpful to read w a serious partner. Would like to buy a hard copy at some point in the future.


How I rate books:
5 Stars= I absolutely loved it, felt very moved. Extraordinary. Maybe I cried. I rarely give this rating.
4 Stars= Well done. I was well engaged.
3 Stars= I enjoyed it but wasn't wowed. My most common rating
2 Stars=Meh
1 Stars= The kind of book that I feel shouldn't have been published be it might discourage some from becoming readers.

[Rachael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Heart of the Fight is a go-to guide for taking any relationship to the next level - whether it is personal or business related. There is wisdom to glean for everyone - whether it's the type of fight you call familiar, or how you continue to get stuck in the same conflict patterns (or avoid it). Heart of The Fight introduced me to cutting-edge research on adult relationships, and why choosing to engage rather than avoid conflict can be helpful. I was introduced to concepts including self-validated intimacy, attachment theory and how it is related to choosing our partners, neuroscience, emotional intelligence, and developmental psychology. The Wright's relationship continuum is also a great roadmap to assess what conversations are satisfying or unsatisfying in any encounter - see for yourself where you fall on it in most of your conversations.

[Sanjida · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I will be celebrating our 10-year anniversary this year. We juggle full time jobs, and two young children (under 4 years old), and other responsibilities. At the end of the day, we are often exhausted and conversation usually can center around work or the kids. This book has been great in that it gives step-by-step activities/exercises that are designed to increase meaningful contact with each other and has helped deepen our relationship. I've learned that there is always something new to learn and discover about him. I also never thought that I would say that fighting has been great -- but we now fight towards a common direction and we have become closer as a result.

I recommend that you give this book a try!

[Pamela · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Heart of the Fight is a must-read book for all couples. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. Like many couples we put a great deal of attention and focus on our children and got stuck in the day-to-day logistics. Somewhere along the way we lost “us” and realized that within a few short years we would be empty nesters. We wanted to find a way to reconnect and re-join the pieces of “us” that fell by the wayside over the years. This book opened our mind and helped us learn ways to re-engage, connect and fight constructively. We learned to talk with more intention, how to address past hurts and move towards a more authentic thriving relationship. The book is easy to read with step-by step exercises designed to increase meaningful connections and deepen our relationship.

[JL · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has made a huge difference in the relationship my wife and I have after 6 years of marriage. Many of its insights are counterintuitive - could fighting really be *healthy* for relationships? In fact, yes - and the authors support this with considerable research. The approach is practical and fun while looking at the serious and, let's admit, vulnerable topic of how our most important relationships work. We've learned a great deal from Drs. Bob and Judith Wright - most of all, that each of us is responsible for our satisfaction in the relationship, and to assume good will on the part of one another. Highly recommended!

[Molly Beran · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will change your entire view of what is healthy in romantic relationships. If you are exhausted chasing fairy tale romances and ready to dive-in to real, authentic connections that will sustain you more than you ever thought possible, then this is the book for you... And for couples that have been together for a while, this book will literally re-write the rules of your most common conflicts and fights, giving you more insight to yourself and your partner. I've given this book to my family and friends, and every one has reported learning something new that has made their relationship better. I can't recommend it enough.

[Sun Bowen · Rating 3 out of 5]

All in one sentence: When ____[observation], I feel ____[emotion] because I’m needing some ____[universal needs]. Would you be able to ____[request]?”

It seems to be trapped in a course sale , that you know everything but can do nothing without a conselor…

全书一句话:非暴力沟通句式，观察-感受-一般需求-请求。

但是启发了一些其他的东西:

爱:跟另一个人一起，完成有趣的挑战。

战争即和平的驳斥:和平和冲突存在严格对应关系，A冲突的目的是A和平，所以A冲突不解决就得不到A和平，只会陷入永劫回归。

发现辅助线(轮子)原则:心理学书，习惯于给出童年这条辅助线，从而在概念上把自我和非自我的部分区别出来，成为承载矛盾的绝佳载体。因为这是唯一一个无法自行决定的客观因素，所以由此产生的客观需求（如安全感）是相对确定及真实的，所以可以被自己和别人充分理解和信任，而无需考虑否定自我带来的一系列问题——例如尊严和自卑——因为否定的是别人（非自我），从而促进改变。
但辅助线应用有个前提，即有人想解题，即有目的性，比如自我改变。

另一个客观载体是:科学发现。

[Dorothy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me understand the rules of engagement with my husband. Even after being with him for 40 years, we, not surprisingly, would argue in the same ways over and over again. He would be confrontational and I would retreat into my room. And, nothing would get resolved. This book outlines some key principles that we are working to live by -- we each go for our satisfaction and neither one of us takes more than 50% of the blame. So many great examples, an easy read and the information is important to the health of any relationship. You can even apply this to work situations.

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very easy ready with plenty examples (some are funny!), and the tiniest bit of language. No theology is involved and it doesn’t need to be.

I’d recommend this book to ANYONE in a relationship looking to better their communication. This isn’t limited to marital relationships. This book also helps you to explore your “why” behind the things you choose conflict in.

You need to go into this book to learn to change YOURSELF and not your partner.

I would NOT recommend this to a couple with a power imbalance.

[Nancy Novak · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book to help my husband and me get better at ending a fight in a mutual way where we are both happy and willing to work more on better our relationship. This is a must read - and WORK - this book for anyone who wants to have a better relationship with their spouse, members of your family, co-workers, and any relationship that matters to you. The Rules of Engagement are great ways to stay responsible and avoiding the blame game.

[Brian Benakos · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book that helped me explore my method of fighting. It opened my mind up to learn more effective ways of engaging with my wife. The book is worth purchasing just for the "Rules of Engagement" that gave me a clear base to begin with and revert back to when in a fight. It's counter cultural and brings the best psychology together with cutting edge neuroscience research that promises to get to you get to "The Heart of the Fight"!

[Sarah Hraha · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is wonderful in supporting couples to learn how to use fights to get closer and to develop their relationships. My husband and I created a book club for couples with this book as the focus. We read one chapter per month and come together to discuss how we use the skills and the impact on our relationships. The book is chock full of the latest research and practical skills couples can use to change their fight patterns. Overall, it's a powerful book which I recommend highly.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book digs deep into how we all bring our own insecurities and hurts to our relationships. It helped me identify what kind of fights I love to pick with my partner and gave me concrete tools to step back, assess what's really upset me, and re-group with my partner to create repair. The book is extremely readable and quick-paced, packed full of stories and research. And the best part is that it's actually useful for any relationship. I've used these tools with my friends too.

[Stacey · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Heart of the Fight is an inspiration for anyone who wants to create authentic, thriving relationships. Whether its personal or business, this book provides great tools for relationships that really work. The book challenges the status quo and opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at classic myths and conflicts.

[B. Adriana · Rating 3 out of 5]

The best quote from the book is: 'The purpose of the relationship is not to make you happy; it is to make your best.' The author's approach to helping couples is around dealing with fights, so they describe fifteen types of conflicts. It oversimplifies what can be a more complex situation. But it could work for many relationships.

[Melinda · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a “lucky day” audiobook from the library. It had some good strategies and challenges to ways of thinking. But overall I was irritated while listening. Perhaps I wasn’t in the right mood to hear it or perhaps it would be more impactful if I read a hard copy. Maybe I’ll try it again in the future with a real book.

[Nicole Ettenhofer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a great read! The book offers a variety of exercises designed to facilitate more meaningful conversations with your spouse. Since reading it, fights with my husband come to a resolution more often. If you're looking to have more satisfaction in your relationship, buy this book!

[Lisa Sanden · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. It has practical skills that are easily learned and taken into all areas of life, not just in couples. I use the key skill of each person gets 50% of the blame for any situation with children as young as 5 and they get is really quickly. This skill alone has transformed the culture of my class of Montessori children.

[Rachel Zwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Heart of the Fight is a really practical and useful relationship guide. It's helped me learn to be more truthful in my relationship, and use conflict to further my relationship rather than avoid it. It makes psychology, research, and neuroscience digestible and applicable.

[Mac.ComLucky Gorman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will change your entire view of how to have conversations in a long term dating relationship. To feel confident that this is the right relationship to be in, or an early warning that there could be a better one down the road.

[Joe Depestre · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book.
The title says: A couple's guide but in fact, it's a guide for each person to look deep inside, to be in touch with their feelings, to acknowledge the things that trigger them, to rematrix. MUST READ!!!

[Carrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good content! I’m glad I listened. And… I felt like some parts were very repetitive, so much that I wanted to simply turn off the audiobook since I found it annoying. I’m so happy to be done with this book!

[mairead! · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great exercises. Genuine. Interested in rereading. Need to find a used version for reference.