If you want the short and sweet description of this book, it can be boiled down to, “woman has an existential midlife crisis and joins a bunch of cults as a way to cope.”
At the beginning of the book and throughout, Alex Mar is struggling to come to terms with the fact that she is in her mid thirties. Recognizing the passage of time and yearning for some level of greater meaning and transcendence, she joins a number of occult groups and then decides it is entirely acceptable and professional to expose all of their secrets. Which I will get into further in a moment.
I struggled with this book from the very first chapter, there was something about Mar’s tone that was off putting in a way I couldn’t quite put my finger on. As I continued, it became clear that while Mar was searching for a way to connect with something larger and deeper than herself, she was simultaneously idolizing and looking down her nose at the people she was writing about. Mar seems to revel in the incredulous throughout this book, which ends up preventing her from reaching any sort of deeper conclusion or connection that she may have been searching for.
I went into this book thinking, and hoping, it would be a piece of interesting investigative journalism. Which it technically is, but it’s wholly sensationalized and very much centered around Mar’s existential search for faith, rather than an informative dive into what the actual title of the book is. While that kind of journey can be heartwarming and relatable, I didn’t sign up to read a memoir, and yet that’s how this book reads.
In regards to it being a piece of investigative journalism, there were several troubling aspects that came up throughout. Mar continually treated her subjects, in writing and in person, quite honestly like shit. The way that she wrote about them was above all, fetishizing and idolizing, while simultaneously smug and skeptical in tone. Over the course of several years, this woman became these people’s friend, gained their trust, discovered their secrets, and then wrote about them and exposed them without any chance to redact or revise any of her writing. Which in all honesty is, a) bad writing b) bad journalism c) a bad thing to do as a “friend.” I don’t know if this is an across the board reaction of groups/individuals mentioned in the book, however, there is an official statement given by two people who were featured, Coru Cathubodua and Morpheus Ravenna, in its reviews on Amazon (it is the first one star review on the book), wholeheartedly denouncing the book and how they were represented.
A quote from that statement:
“Much of Ms. Mar's book inaccurately characterizes the structure and practices of our Order, then and now. Many of the events depicted that involve the Priesthood are paraphrased anecdotes translated through her own personal journey and story-driven narrative. We view the book as being “inspired by actual events.” Ms. Mar takes great liberties in what she does depict and sensationalizes many activities to the point of falsehood with no thought to how her lies would impact her subjects' lives and livelihoods. None of the events described therein should be considered accurate or representative of our religious beliefs, structures, values or attitudes. In addition, individuals who attended our public events were quoted and named by Ms. Mar without their knowledge or consent. As this book has caused and continues to cause direct harm to our members, our friends and community, we cannot, will not and do not stand by it. It is obvious in hindsight how we were preyed upon by Ms. Mar with her providing review rights and then rescinding them once she had the necessary materials and entree into our community.”
Mar writes as if she is present in the majority of things she talks about. While most of the info she is sharing is heresy, aside from the few rituals she did attend and a few campouts and festivals she went to as a guest. However, the majority of her info comes from someone else telling her about something (history, a tradition, a ritual, and experience, etc.). Yet, the way in which she cultivates the narrative of this information is in a way where it’s very easy to forget that she isn’t actually there and that this is all heresy. Which is good for narrative writing, bad for any kind of non-fiction work. It comes off as disingenuous to the reader, as it makes her out as an authority on these events and matters without having to do any of the work.
There is a chapter in this book (Sympathy for the Necromancer) that I would bet money on as being straight up fiction. It describes an individual who breaks into graveyards and chops off the heads of corpses in order to do “Solomon Seal magick.” Which, quite honestly, who the fuck does that? Even if there was someone who was doing that a) they sure as hell are not representative of any sort of larger community that exists, b) they would have to be incredibly secretive in order to be successful (and not get caught!) and not at all likely to divulge that kind of information to Alex Mar who they probably have known for less than a month. It honestly felt like a straight up fabrication for shock value.
I will make a small note on her treatment of the historical figures she mentions (Gerald Gardner, Alister Crowley, etc.), because quite honestly I could go on a much longer rant about how her handling of these figures was lackluster. Mar really did nothing more than a Wikipedia page search and remix on the historic figures she mentions, while also sometimes throwing in some of the heresy and info she gets from the people she interviews. Which is incredibly disappointing and frustrating that she didn’t take any semblance of time to research beyond the minimum surface level (and honestly the numerous problematic aspects of these people) for the founding members of some of the groups she’s writing about.
Throughout the journey documented in this book, Mar appeared to need/be attracted to individuals who have a larger personality than she does, who “feel the world so much more strongly than she does” in hopes that they would help her find a way to accept/connect with a force bigger than herself. As a result she sought out the more radical, “out there,” and fringe aspects and individuals in the Pagan and Witchcraft communities. As an outsider to these communities, she went for the biggest and strangest people she could find and ended up writing about them in a way that was idolizing, dehumanizing, as well as sensationalized. Perhaps Mar thought that because many of these people were so “out there” that they must somehow be tapped into something bigger than themselves, and she wanted in. While focusing on these outlying personalities, she is wholly dismissive of the more quiet, mundane, day to day Pagan or Witch she comes across. People who are, forgive the phrase, “going to church to go to church” because in all likelihood she was relying on the “out there” aspects to help sell her book.
If an outsider were to read this, someone who had had little to no exposure to modern day Pagans/Witch communities, they would walk away thinking that contemporary Pagans and Witches are BATSHIT crazy - which is in all honesty is hurtful and damaging to communities that already face unnecessary misunderstanding and ostracization.
There are brief instances where Mar has moments of clarity, and touches on the notion of yearning for deity, for god, for transcendence in a meaningless world. And then she turns around and says something completely off the cuff and sensationalist as a way to almost deflect from that moment of personal vulnerability. This book ended up having a whole lot of naval gazing, and any thoughtful points she attempts to or almost makes are somewhat negated because in the end it’s all about her and not about the people she’s discussing or the larger topics she’s attempting to touch on.
The one aspect of this book that I can label as positive, is Mar’s honesty about her fear, her existential anxiety about her place in the universe, and her striving towards something like transcendence. Which I think is an important kind of narrative that many people grapple with. Mar, in the end, is still just naval gazing all the while looking down on the people she’s writing about. Mar is scared and unsure about her place in the universe and if it has any kind of meaning; but the people she’s writing about are grappling with that same kind of fear and anxiety - that’s why they do what they do! Mar simultaneously looks down on these believers and practitioners, exploits their secrets and their trust, all the while wanting to be one herself.
Alex Mar, I hope you sleep well at night because gods know I sure wouldn’t be able to after writing this book.