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The High-Conflict Custody Battle: Protect Yourself and Your Kids from a Toxic Divorce, False Accusations, and Parental Alienation
Is your ex-spouse trying to gain custody of your kids? Has he or she launched a campaign to make you look like a bad parent, both in the eyes of your children and the law? You aren’t alone. Unfortunately, high-conflict custody battles are all-too-common in today’s world. So how can you arm yourself with the mental and legal resources needed to survive this difficult time and keep your kids safe?
In The High-Conflict Custody Battle, a team of legal and psychology experts present a practical guidebook for people like you who are engaged in a high-conflict custody battle. If you are dealing with an overtly hostile, inflammatory, deceitful, or manipulative ex-spouse, you will learn how to find and work with an attorney and prepare for a custody evaluation. The book also provides helpful tips you can use to defend yourself against false accusations, and gives a realistic portrayal of what to expect during a legal fight.
Going through a divorce is hard, but going through a custody battle can feel like war. Don’t go in unprepared. With this book as your guide, you will be able to navigate this difficult process and learn powerful skills that will help you maintain a healthy relationship with your kids, fight unfair accusations, and uphold your rights as a parent.
In The High-Conflict Custody Battle, a team of legal and psychology experts present a practical guidebook for people like you who are engaged in a high-conflict custody battle. If you are dealing with an overtly hostile, inflammatory, deceitful, or manipulative ex-spouse, you will learn how to find and work with an attorney and prepare for a custody evaluation. The book also provides helpful tips you can use to defend yourself against false accusations, and gives a realistic portrayal of what to expect during a legal fight.
Going through a divorce is hard, but going through a custody battle can feel like war. Don’t go in unprepared. With this book as your guide, you will be able to navigate this difficult process and learn powerful skills that will help you maintain a healthy relationship with your kids, fight unfair accusations, and uphold your rights as a parent.
241 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 1, 2014
89 people are currently reading
209 people want to read
About the author
Amy J.L. Baker
13 books26 followersI was born in Philly and went to college in at Bennington and then Barnard. I graduated from Teachers College Columbia University with a doctorate in Developmental Psychology. I am currently the director of research at the Fontana Center for Child Protection in New York City. I am the author or co-author of several books and close to a 100 publications. My areas of specialization include parent-child relationships, child abuse, psychological maltreatment, and parental alienation. I am an expert witness in court cases around the country and provide parenting coaching.
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
February 20, 2016
This is, without a doubt, the worst divorce book I've ever read.
It may be the worst divorce book ever written. I haven't read all of them, so I can't say for sure, but I do feel confident enough in that opinion that if a contest were open tomorrow asking for nominations in the category of Worst Divorce Book in History, I would without hesitation suggest this book.
None of you are curious as to my reasoning, but in classic Andrea fashion, I'm going to tell you anyway.
The ex-partner is, in every instance throughout the entire book, referred to as "her."
And what is this mysterious "her" doing?
Making false allegations of abuse.
What about if the ex ("her" or otherwise) is doing some abusing and the reader is curious as to how to handle the high-conflict fall-out of having to make those allegations?
Nope. Not a word. Only "false" allegations are covered.
What if the ex (again, "her" or otherwise) is just an enormously difficult person who likes blowing off steam by starting fights all the time over nothing? What if you are looking for advice in how to handle this situation when it doesn't involve lawyers and judges?
Not a mention.
So the whole book is really about ex-wives who are trying to "get back" at ex-husbands through false allegations of abuse, eh?
Yes. The whole thing.
Well, but is that such a bad thing? It happens, right? These guys need a book too.
Sure! And if it seemed actually targeted to innocent people who were unfairly accused of things they didn't do as part of a custody battle, it wouldn't be at all helpful to me personally, but I would have no beef with it.
Though it's worth pointing out that I know quite a few people at this point in my life who tell a terrible tale of woe about the horrible ex and all the untrue accusations she made, just to be retaliatory; and I've got to say that all but one of them are completely full of it. I mean there is only one such person I might think of as being potentially innocent, and the rest were so generally awful to people and did such terrible things that--no matter what the courts said--I believe their ex-wives.
Still. Let's disregard that.
Consider this quote, starting p. 171:
It goes on in this way.
Isn't this what good parents already do?
Umm, yes. Yes, I believe it is. Yes, I believe good, non-abusive parents probably don't need to be told not to slap their children, not to be naked in front of them, and not to make lewd comments to them. These actions aren't "things that could be mistaken for abuse." They ARE ABUSE.
This--and other passages much like it--leaves one with the impression that it isn't so much a handbook to allow innocent men to defend themselves successfully in family court, but to allow abusive men to get away with it. And it makes me feel physically ill.
It may be the worst divorce book ever written. I haven't read all of them, so I can't say for sure, but I do feel confident enough in that opinion that if a contest were open tomorrow asking for nominations in the category of Worst Divorce Book in History, I would without hesitation suggest this book.
None of you are curious as to my reasoning, but in classic Andrea fashion, I'm going to tell you anyway.
The ex-partner is, in every instance throughout the entire book, referred to as "her."
And what is this mysterious "her" doing?
Making false allegations of abuse.
What about if the ex ("her" or otherwise) is doing some abusing and the reader is curious as to how to handle the high-conflict fall-out of having to make those allegations?
Nope. Not a word. Only "false" allegations are covered.
What if the ex (again, "her" or otherwise) is just an enormously difficult person who likes blowing off steam by starting fights all the time over nothing? What if you are looking for advice in how to handle this situation when it doesn't involve lawyers and judges?
Not a mention.
So the whole book is really about ex-wives who are trying to "get back" at ex-husbands through false allegations of abuse, eh?
Yes. The whole thing.
Well, but is that such a bad thing? It happens, right? These guys need a book too.
Sure! And if it seemed actually targeted to innocent people who were unfairly accused of things they didn't do as part of a custody battle, it wouldn't be at all helpful to me personally, but I would have no beef with it.
Though it's worth pointing out that I know quite a few people at this point in my life who tell a terrible tale of woe about the horrible ex and all the untrue accusations she made, just to be retaliatory; and I've got to say that all but one of them are completely full of it. I mean there is only one such person I might think of as being potentially innocent, and the rest were so generally awful to people and did such terrible things that--no matter what the courts said--I believe their ex-wives.
Still. Let's disregard that.
Consider this quote, starting p. 171:
To begin with, we suggest that you refrain from corporal punishment of any kind (spanking, pinching, hitting, slapping) ... in order to eliminate the possibility that you could inflict injury resulting in a physical abuse claim being filed against you. Also avoid grabbing your child or restraining your child physically, unless it is absolutely necessary in response to a safety concern. Any time that you are feeling angry at your child, make sure to avoid physical contact. ... Stay calm and in control of your emotions. If your child hits you or provokes you physically, you should withdraw a few steps and deal with the matter verbally.
To protect yourself from allegations of sexual abuse, refrain from being naked in front of your children, sleeping under the covers with them (or even lying on the bed with them, unless you are fully clothed), bathing with them, washing their private parts, kissing them on the mouth, allowing or enabling them to watch R-rated movies, or having any kind of pornography in the house. ... You also might want to be very mindful about any kind of sexual teasing, horseplay, wrestling, and suggestive language...."
It goes on in this way.
Isn't this what good parents already do?
Umm, yes. Yes, I believe it is. Yes, I believe good, non-abusive parents probably don't need to be told not to slap their children, not to be naked in front of them, and not to make lewd comments to them. These actions aren't "things that could be mistaken for abuse." They ARE ABUSE.
This--and other passages much like it--leaves one with the impression that it isn't so much a handbook to allow innocent men to defend themselves successfully in family court, but to allow abusive men to get away with it. And it makes me feel physically ill.
November 14, 2020
The actual worst
If you have been abusive towards your family and are looking for a book to pander to your sore little feelers, this enabling pile of garbage is for you.
If, however, you have LEFT an abusive situation and are hoping for some tips in dealing with your abusive ex in custody hearings, this book will not help you one bit and may also trigger the h-e-double hockey sticks out of you. Reader, be warned!
If you have been abusive towards your family and are looking for a book to pander to your sore little feelers, this enabling pile of garbage is for you.
If, however, you have LEFT an abusive situation and are hoping for some tips in dealing with your abusive ex in custody hearings, this book will not help you one bit and may also trigger the h-e-double hockey sticks out of you. Reader, be warned!
February 25, 2021
The outline of how to keep track of and organize information makes this book worth it. Custody battles are so difficult. As this books touches on again and again, this advice could make your case, or cause it to go belly-up. There's no right answers but lots of wrong ones 😭
December 1, 2024
This book is ***extremely*** helpful for anyone who is planning to go to family court to resolve custody cases in which parental alienation is present and/or the other parent has a narcissistic or borderline personality disorder. The authors are some of the top experts in their fields and they spell out every detail of how to approach family court cases in these terrible situations. Think of it as a field guide for how to bring your case to family court. They teach you how to find the right professionals to hire, how to catalog and organize your evidence to make it easier for your lawyer to put together a strong case for you (and save you $$ at the same time), how to approach various types of meetings during the court process, what the potential benefits and pitfalls of certain decisions—like hiring an expert witness or putting your child in therapy—might be, what to ask the court for in order to remedy your custody situation moving forward, what language to use in your new custody agreement to ensure that it can be enforced quickly and without having to return to court over and over again in the future, etc. My partner and I initially listened to the audiobook but have purchased a hard copy as well because we know we’ll be referencing this book over and over again as we prepare for his custody case. If you are dealing with any of the infuriating, heartbreaking situations I listed at the beginning of my review, consider this book an absolute *must have resource* to educate yourself on how to navigate the family court process. Do not assume that your lawyer or any of the professionals you’ve hired are well-versed in all of this stuff—you will do yourself and your children a great service by doing your own research so that you can feel confident in the decisions you make throughout the court process. This book will help you to feel like a partner in the decision-making process with your lawyer, rather than just deferring to them to make the decisions that will greatly impact the lives of you and your children. I’ve also found that it can reduce the awful anxiety of dealing with parental alienation and preparing for the court process. It empowers you to stay focused on actions you can take now that will help you achieve a positive outcome in the future, rather than feeling stymied by overwhelm and helpless to stop the toxic behaviors of your ex and the effects those behaviors have on your children.
June 28, 2023
Very useful book but I will caution everyone that are trying to keep a level head about their situation and reading this. It can potentially cause stress even with the strategies in it. It's one thing to be dealing with a conflicted court battle the other is continually focusing on a high conflict custody battle.
This is one of the books you gotta read in parts vs trying to listen to while starting your morning.
This is one of the books you gotta read in parts vs trying to listen to while starting your morning.
October 17, 2019
So much great information. I felt like this was written more for men. I feel like this was also written as a pre divorce guide or early stages of divorce. Still such great information.
August 24, 2021
😒 I was hoping for legal advice. None of that is in this book. It’s like a silly person penned their thoughts and emotions whilst trying to get custody.
This was a waste of words.
This was a waste of words.
April 3, 2023
Good layout for organizing
January 24, 2016
A very condensed version of what really happens during a high-conflict custody battle. It's almost a rough walk-through of the sad reality of (sort of) what happens when an ex pulls a person into a custody battle. Most of it is hypothetical and the overview is helpful, but when I needed a guide for the in-depth stuff, this book was kind of lacking. However, it does give very good ideas for how to protect yourself when your ex is saying all manner of false, degrading things to not only your child but to everyone within hearing distance. Also, the author should be applauded for including scenarios where both men and women are the instigator of the conflict and not just assigning a single sex the blame.
August 11, 2014
As a mediator who works with child custody cases, I found this book to be very informative and helpful. The book is written in a very easy-to-read format and provides very nice advice to non-lawyers about how to navigate the difficult challenges that come in high-conflict divorces. While some of the advice may seem like common sense, it is well described. In my experience, it is common sense that is sorely needed. I would recommend this book to anyone who is currently going through a difficult custody battle.
Want to read
July 24, 2014I got an ARC of this book through NetGalley, in exchange for an honest review.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews