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That We Might Have Joy: Desire, Divinity & Intimate Love
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Sexual intimacy can be experienced as a pleasant pastime, a physical need, a reward, a threat, a bargaining chip, a source of frustration, a well of shame—even a necessary evil. Far less understood is its potential to be something much a source of deep joy, spiritual transcendence, and communion with another soul.
In a society drawn to quick fixes and surface-level advice, That We Might Have Joy offers something deeper—an honest look at how sexual intimacy acts as both diagnosis and cure for what ails modern marriage.
With clarity and compassion, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife reframes sexuality not as a threat to faith, but as an expression of it. She shows us how sexual intimacy can reveal the truth of a relationship—and, for those willing to confront that truth, it can become the starting point of something far more soul-sustaining.
That We Might Have Joy is a call to greater integrity—within our marriages, our faith, and ourselves. It invites us to live more honestly, love more deeply, and discover what becomes possible when we heal the division between our spiritual and sexual selves.
REVIEWS
This book is a call to repent—to tell the truth, to look eros in the eye, to be the bodies that we are, to promise our souls, to break open our hearts, to brave intimacy. It's a call to live, to love, to die, to love. Don't wait. Repent. Live. Love.
—Adam S. Miller, author of Original Grace and Letters to a Young Mormon
That We Might Have Joy is a great gift—certainly to those of us who are in a love relationship, but to all who yearn to give equal honoring to both the sacred and the sensual in our lives and to realize they are partners indeed. Jennifer’s insightful book shines new light on the truth that God is love and love is godly.
—Carol Lynn Pearson, Author of Goodbye, I Love You
This is more than a book—it’s an invitation to a conversation in which you will see yourself and your relationships with greater clarity. The process of honest self-examination is rarely comfortable but is often empowering. Dr. Finlayson-Fife offers a path in which the erotic and the spiritual are integrated in ways consistent with—and enriched by—marital and religious commitments. Latter-day Saints will benefit from her clarity, insight, and guidance, while readers of many faiths will find growth-promoting wisdom, helping them pursue their own vision of sexual and spiritual health.
—Adam R. Fisher, PhD, ABPP
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a therapist, educator, and coach with a doctorate in Counseling Psychology. For over two decades, she has helped individuals and couples—particularly within the LDS community—strengthen their relationships and develop a more integrated view of sexuality. Through her online courses, live workshops, and Room for Two podcast, she has supported the emotional and sexual development of thousands. Known for her clarity, compassion, depth, and humor, Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a sought-after voice on the topics of faith, intimate relationships, and personal growth.
Sexual intimacy can be experienced as a pleasant pastime, a physical need, a reward, a threat, a bargaining chip, a source of frustration, a well of shame—even a necessary evil. Far less understood is its potential to be something much a source of deep joy, spiritual transcendence, and communion with another soul.
In a society drawn to quick fixes and surface-level advice, That We Might Have Joy offers something deeper—an honest look at how sexual intimacy acts as both diagnosis and cure for what ails modern marriage.
With clarity and compassion, Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife reframes sexuality not as a threat to faith, but as an expression of it. She shows us how sexual intimacy can reveal the truth of a relationship—and, for those willing to confront that truth, it can become the starting point of something far more soul-sustaining.
That We Might Have Joy is a call to greater integrity—within our marriages, our faith, and ourselves. It invites us to live more honestly, love more deeply, and discover what becomes possible when we heal the division between our spiritual and sexual selves.
REVIEWS
This book is a call to repent—to tell the truth, to look eros in the eye, to be the bodies that we are, to promise our souls, to break open our hearts, to brave intimacy. It's a call to live, to love, to die, to love. Don't wait. Repent. Live. Love.
—Adam S. Miller, author of Original Grace and Letters to a Young Mormon
That We Might Have Joy is a great gift—certainly to those of us who are in a love relationship, but to all who yearn to give equal honoring to both the sacred and the sensual in our lives and to realize they are partners indeed. Jennifer’s insightful book shines new light on the truth that God is love and love is godly.
—Carol Lynn Pearson, Author of Goodbye, I Love You
This is more than a book—it’s an invitation to a conversation in which you will see yourself and your relationships with greater clarity. The process of honest self-examination is rarely comfortable but is often empowering. Dr. Finlayson-Fife offers a path in which the erotic and the spiritual are integrated in ways consistent with—and enriched by—marital and religious commitments. Latter-day Saints will benefit from her clarity, insight, and guidance, while readers of many faiths will find growth-promoting wisdom, helping them pursue their own vision of sexual and spiritual health.
—Adam R. Fisher, PhD, ABPP
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jennifer Finlayson-Fife is a therapist, educator, and coach with a doctorate in Counseling Psychology. For over two decades, she has helped individuals and couples—particularly within the LDS community—strengthen their relationships and develop a more integrated view of sexuality. Through her online courses, live workshops, and Room for Two podcast, she has supported the emotional and sexual development of thousands. Known for her clarity, compassion, depth, and humor, Dr. Finlayson-Fife is a sought-after voice on the topics of faith, intimate relationships, and personal growth.
220 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 30, 2025
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
October 18, 2025
Legit just changed my entire outlook on life.
March 19, 2026
PHENOMENAL. There is no better word. This is a book I will read over and over, highlight and write in the margins, and use often as a self reflection and way to continue learning and growing. I have loved Jennifer’s work for a long time now, listened to many of her podcasts and am currently taking her Art of Desire course. This book is like a crash course of all of that. It focuses on sexuality and unpacking our misconceptions around it, on how to be proactive about our own sexuality and working together with our spouse to overcome obstacles. It has a fantastic chapter at the end for how to teach children about sex.
if you’re married, READ THIS BOOK
if you’re married, READ THIS BOOK
June 13, 2026
Hands down the best book I’ve read about true intimacy and its importance to happiness. This is not just a book about the vital and essential nature of intimacy in a marriage, it is about how living a fully embodied life is essential to faith and happiness. Well written, clear, and grounded in all kinds of research and clinical experience.
September 23, 2026
I read this for book club. 3.5 stars.
There is no way I would’ve finished this if it hadn’t have been for book club, but it actually got a lot more interesting and applicable after about 60%? I can see why other people really like this, but the first half didn’t resonate with me and felt very tedious to push through. (It felt like story after story about a wife that didn’t want to have sex with her husband and a husband who didn’t see where she was coming from and resentment growing on both sides)
That being said, I love the reflection questions. I mean, not all of them, but more the fact that they exist…that is exactly what I need from a self help book if I’m going to make any real changes in my life. And I loved some of the discussions on making change in general, and understanding ourselves better. There were a few concepts from the book that really stuck out to me that I’ve been letting percolate for a bit… I’d like to write them down so that I can maybe think a little more deeply about what they mean to me.
Quotes from the book to look back on:
“It is humbling and stressful for all of us when a previous way of thinking or behaving falls apart and we don't yet know a better way. Challenging false trad-itions, as we did in the earlier chapters of this book, can hurt. When we acknowledge the limitations of a previously accepted path, it can feel like we are destroying something precious and losing our way. But if we resist the disorientation that more truth brings, we undermine our progression. Truth really does
"enlarge the soul" (Doctrine & Covenants 121:42), but not without first stretching it beyond comfort.
Foundational to our spiritual and relational development is repentance. The Greek word for repentance—metanoia-literally means "to change one's mind." Changing our minds, repenting, requires not just the rupture of a current self-concept—it also requires tolerating uncertainty as we reach towards a better version of ourselves. Disillusionment with any foundational understanding of reality (including who we believe ourselves to be in that reality) can bring significant anguish.
A client of mine, highly invested in her identity as a "good mother," was seriously distressed when she woke up to the fact that she was encouraging her children's unhealthy dependence on her while unjustly alienating them from their father. Although it was painful to confront the unfairness of her behavior, that bitter realization was critical to doing right by her children. Tolerating the puncture to her self-concept was a necessary step in becoming the kind of mother she truly aspired to be. As Kegan articulates,
"Grief, mourning, and loss" are "the dying of a way of knowing the world which no longer works, a loss of an old coherence with no new coherence immediately present to take its place."
Because the death "of a [familiar] way of knowing the world" can feel deeply unsettling, we instinctively resist it. One common defense is to reject information that doesn't fit easily into our current worldview.”
This resonates with me because it gives a name to some of the discomfort I’ve felt this last year as I’ve been making some changes in my life. It’s a reason for the “growing pains” that makes sense to me.
“The shift from being socially driven to being personally directed is so significant that therapist Marybeth Raynes called it "the continental divide" in human development."
Crossing the continental divide from a socially embedded self to a more differentiated and personally determined one requires a radical shift from external validation and authority (What do others expect of me?) to internal validation and authority (What do I expect of myself?). Someone in the self-authoring stage chooses not to lie not only to avoid hurting someone they care about, but also because lying violates their own conscience. Put differently, lying conflicts with what they expect of themselves.
Although the self-authoring stage becomes cognitively possible in late adolescence, few of us tolerate the exposure, personal responsibility, and potential social invalidation that comes with this stage. So, while almost all of us will identify with and embody aspects of STAGE 3, most people live their lives primarily in the validation pursuit of STAGE 2.”
STAGE 1: Egocentric (Following what feels good)
STAGE 2: Socialized (Seeking external validation)
STAGE 3: Self Authoring (Internal Conscience and Integrity)
I am definitely interested in learning more about how to move from stage 2 to stage 3 more soundly…that sounds like a peaceful and confident way to live. I’ll need to look into that more.
There is no way I would’ve finished this if it hadn’t have been for book club, but it actually got a lot more interesting and applicable after about 60%? I can see why other people really like this, but the first half didn’t resonate with me and felt very tedious to push through. (It felt like story after story about a wife that didn’t want to have sex with her husband and a husband who didn’t see where she was coming from and resentment growing on both sides)
That being said, I love the reflection questions. I mean, not all of them, but more the fact that they exist…that is exactly what I need from a self help book if I’m going to make any real changes in my life. And I loved some of the discussions on making change in general, and understanding ourselves better. There were a few concepts from the book that really stuck out to me that I’ve been letting percolate for a bit… I’d like to write them down so that I can maybe think a little more deeply about what they mean to me.
Quotes from the book to look back on:
“It is humbling and stressful for all of us when a previous way of thinking or behaving falls apart and we don't yet know a better way. Challenging false trad-itions, as we did in the earlier chapters of this book, can hurt. When we acknowledge the limitations of a previously accepted path, it can feel like we are destroying something precious and losing our way. But if we resist the disorientation that more truth brings, we undermine our progression. Truth really does
"enlarge the soul" (Doctrine & Covenants 121:42), but not without first stretching it beyond comfort.
Foundational to our spiritual and relational development is repentance. The Greek word for repentance—metanoia-literally means "to change one's mind." Changing our minds, repenting, requires not just the rupture of a current self-concept—it also requires tolerating uncertainty as we reach towards a better version of ourselves. Disillusionment with any foundational understanding of reality (including who we believe ourselves to be in that reality) can bring significant anguish.
A client of mine, highly invested in her identity as a "good mother," was seriously distressed when she woke up to the fact that she was encouraging her children's unhealthy dependence on her while unjustly alienating them from their father. Although it was painful to confront the unfairness of her behavior, that bitter realization was critical to doing right by her children. Tolerating the puncture to her self-concept was a necessary step in becoming the kind of mother she truly aspired to be. As Kegan articulates,
"Grief, mourning, and loss" are "the dying of a way of knowing the world which no longer works, a loss of an old coherence with no new coherence immediately present to take its place."
Because the death "of a [familiar] way of knowing the world" can feel deeply unsettling, we instinctively resist it. One common defense is to reject information that doesn't fit easily into our current worldview.”
This resonates with me because it gives a name to some of the discomfort I’ve felt this last year as I’ve been making some changes in my life. It’s a reason for the “growing pains” that makes sense to me.
“The shift from being socially driven to being personally directed is so significant that therapist Marybeth Raynes called it "the continental divide" in human development."
Crossing the continental divide from a socially embedded self to a more differentiated and personally determined one requires a radical shift from external validation and authority (What do others expect of me?) to internal validation and authority (What do I expect of myself?). Someone in the self-authoring stage chooses not to lie not only to avoid hurting someone they care about, but also because lying violates their own conscience. Put differently, lying conflicts with what they expect of themselves.
Although the self-authoring stage becomes cognitively possible in late adolescence, few of us tolerate the exposure, personal responsibility, and potential social invalidation that comes with this stage. So, while almost all of us will identify with and embody aspects of STAGE 3, most people live their lives primarily in the validation pursuit of STAGE 2.”
STAGE 1: Egocentric (Following what feels good)
STAGE 2: Socialized (Seeking external validation)
STAGE 3: Self Authoring (Internal Conscience and Integrity)
I am definitely interested in learning more about how to move from stage 2 to stage 3 more soundly…that sounds like a peaceful and confident way to live. I’ll need to look into that more.
October 23, 2025
I’ve been following Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s work for over a decade and can honestly say her work has impacted me more than just about anything else. Her concepts are soul-stretching and full of wisdom. She manages to balance a deep compassion for our human weakness along with calling us to a higher way of being. This is a book I will revisit again and again.
December 29, 2025
While I am only giving this book three stars, it is still a book I would recommend to others.
I am a huge fan of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. She is extreme skilled as a therapist in differentiation theory.
While this book is primarily intended for readers who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, others can still benefit from it. Those raised in the church but have left can still connect to it based upon their relationship to sexuality while in the church. Those of other Christian faiths will also connect to it as she connects the body and spirit. These latter two groups may need to let a few scriptures or beliefs slide as being for LDS believers but it is not enough to ruin the book.
Why three stars? I have read a few books from her mentor Richard Schnarch. While the books I read of his weren’t trying to connect a spiritual belief system to healthier relationships and sexuality, his books hit me with more straight forward guidance whether through his hypothetical couples or his direct points. JFF has some hypothetical couples which were good and she does make some good points but there were also parts that just weren’t as impactful in my opinion.
Another issue I have with this book is that the has a doctorate in psychology, yet as I read through many of the end notes the research she cited didn’t support the claim she was making in the book. It wasn’t a one off. It was a lot. I don’t get it. This should have been checked by the editing team. I hope she will have someone who is research focused go through her end notes to help correct for a second edition.
I am a huge fan of Jennifer Finlayson-Fife. She is extreme skilled as a therapist in differentiation theory.
While this book is primarily intended for readers who are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, others can still benefit from it. Those raised in the church but have left can still connect to it based upon their relationship to sexuality while in the church. Those of other Christian faiths will also connect to it as she connects the body and spirit. These latter two groups may need to let a few scriptures or beliefs slide as being for LDS believers but it is not enough to ruin the book.
Why three stars? I have read a few books from her mentor Richard Schnarch. While the books I read of his weren’t trying to connect a spiritual belief system to healthier relationships and sexuality, his books hit me with more straight forward guidance whether through his hypothetical couples or his direct points. JFF has some hypothetical couples which were good and she does make some good points but there were also parts that just weren’t as impactful in my opinion.
Another issue I have with this book is that the has a doctorate in psychology, yet as I read through many of the end notes the research she cited didn’t support the claim she was making in the book. It wasn’t a one off. It was a lot. I don’t get it. This should have been checked by the editing team. I hope she will have someone who is research focused go through her end notes to help correct for a second edition.
January 1, 2026
I put this book on hold because I heard the author speak on a podcast which made me interested. I took a lot of notes, mostly in the form of quotations. I was particularly interested in learning more about how intimacy and spirituality overlap. This book is important.
Quotes I want to be able to refer to in the future (though this might be a book to purchase!):
"In her mind, spirituality was synonymous with obedience and obedience meant restriction, self-control, and the avoidance of indulgent pleasures." Page 2
"Although they appeared to epitomize spiritual strength, their marriage lacked depth and vitality. It offered them little to draw from-- no sense of shared honesty, no sense of being truly known." Page 3
"If we are to be at peace, if we are to create loving, soulful partnerships, we must reconcile our sexual nature with our spiritual nature. We must find a way to be true to both." Page 6
"The way our theology is commonly (mis) understood leaves many of us unnecessarily estranged from our physical selves." Page 6
"The capacity for soulful sex is proportional to our capacity for love and intimacy. In other words, the ability for sex to be sanctifying and spiritually anchoring is dependent upon our ability to know and love another through it." Page 37
Referring to a guy that was trying to avoid anything that would create arousal which led to an unhealthy and abnormal suppression of sexual feelings. Having sensual feelings is normal and expected:
"OCD-type tendencies focused on his fear of sexuality. His approach was therefore more literal and scrupulous than most church members and more extreme than any reasonable church leader would intend." Page 80
"Most of us intuitively understand that part of growing into adulthood involves experiencing and exploring sexual feelings." Page 81
"Intimacy wakes us up to the humbling awareness of all the ways we fall short." Page 103
Paraphrased Stages from Page 157:
Stage 1-- egocentric-- my needs and desires, pleasure seeking
Stage 2-- Social-- Desire to belong- expectations of communities and church
Stage 3-- Self-authoring-- being personally directed, internal validation and authority. What do I expect of myself?
"Sex and spirit are linked through love, their common denominator." Quotation from Marybeth Raynes Page 169
"It is not until we move into the self-authoring mind (STAGE 3) that we begin to truly integrate our sexuality. Instead of just following rules, we start to make choices that reflect our deeper values and conscience. We come into greater peace with our sexual nature, and instead of suppressing it, we begin to inhabit it. We are able to love and take pleasure in another soul in this stage and create moments of communion through our sexuality. It is in this stage that our sensuality and spirituality can nourish and support one another." Page 171
"It is precisely the mystery and challenge of their differences that fuels our longing in marriage-- the longing to engage, again and again, with the parts of them we don't yet fully know. This is how we continue to desire what is already ours-- how we long for the very person right in front of us." Page 185
"We can experience a deep reassurance-- a kind of renewal-- in being truly known and enjoyed, body and soul...It becomes a form of communion and care-- something that can steady and strengthen the soul of the marriage." Page 186
"In accepting the gift of our eroticism, we become more able to love through it-- and to create beauty with it. Loving sexuality has the power not only to nourish the soul, but to connect us to what is sacred-- not by escaping the body, but by 'infusing the body and its desires with soul.'" Page 208 (quoting Thomas Moore "Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life")
She describes experiencing "duende" in Spain while watching a flamenco dancer with a group of students. She defines duende as "an intimate communication between the dancer, the audience, and God-- embodied communion or prayer. Chemistry Page 216
Talking about the "natural man is an enemy to God unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit" scripture:
"'Natural man' is instead ego, self preoccupation." "The sin lies in any choice to coddle our innate narcissism at the expense of our growth. Sinfulness lies in the demand that the world submit to our desires, fears and self-importance." The refusal to yield to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, pride, refusal to repent. Page 218
"And though our souls can feel a deep order within reality-- divine truths we are all subject to-- we understand that faith doesn't grant us certainty or obviate suffering. Rather, it offers us solace, evidence of God's love in sublime moments and glimpses of the eternal that anchor us in a world full of loss." Page 219
"In moments of awe or wonder, we can feel suspended between heaven and earth-- grounded in our lived experience and yet momentarily lifted beyond it." Page 219
"In holding both truths-- that I was at once significant and nothing-- I could see beyond my natural self-centeredness, and for a moment, I could see myself and others more compassionately and truthfully." Page 221
"Again, sensation-- the way we encounter the physical world-- doesn't oppose the spiritual; it opens the door to it." Page 221
"To fall in love with creation, to truly receive it with joy, is itself an act of worship-- a way of offering praise to the Creator." Page 221 (Refers to Terryl Givens "The Beauty of Communion: Love as Creative Force" Wayfare, Fall 2024, 179-81)
About pornography:
"It is important to remember that our goal is not to suppress desire, but to develop deeper self-regulation and integrity in our sexual choices." Page 275
"Understanding our draw to the erotic as a longing for connection and intimacy can help us make peace with our sexuality." Page 278
Quotes I want to be able to refer to in the future (though this might be a book to purchase!):
"In her mind, spirituality was synonymous with obedience and obedience meant restriction, self-control, and the avoidance of indulgent pleasures." Page 2
"Although they appeared to epitomize spiritual strength, their marriage lacked depth and vitality. It offered them little to draw from-- no sense of shared honesty, no sense of being truly known." Page 3
"If we are to be at peace, if we are to create loving, soulful partnerships, we must reconcile our sexual nature with our spiritual nature. We must find a way to be true to both." Page 6
"The way our theology is commonly (mis) understood leaves many of us unnecessarily estranged from our physical selves." Page 6
"The capacity for soulful sex is proportional to our capacity for love and intimacy. In other words, the ability for sex to be sanctifying and spiritually anchoring is dependent upon our ability to know and love another through it." Page 37
Referring to a guy that was trying to avoid anything that would create arousal which led to an unhealthy and abnormal suppression of sexual feelings. Having sensual feelings is normal and expected:
"OCD-type tendencies focused on his fear of sexuality. His approach was therefore more literal and scrupulous than most church members and more extreme than any reasonable church leader would intend." Page 80
"Most of us intuitively understand that part of growing into adulthood involves experiencing and exploring sexual feelings." Page 81
"Intimacy wakes us up to the humbling awareness of all the ways we fall short." Page 103
Paraphrased Stages from Page 157:
Stage 1-- egocentric-- my needs and desires, pleasure seeking
Stage 2-- Social-- Desire to belong- expectations of communities and church
Stage 3-- Self-authoring-- being personally directed, internal validation and authority. What do I expect of myself?
"Sex and spirit are linked through love, their common denominator." Quotation from Marybeth Raynes Page 169
"It is not until we move into the self-authoring mind (STAGE 3) that we begin to truly integrate our sexuality. Instead of just following rules, we start to make choices that reflect our deeper values and conscience. We come into greater peace with our sexual nature, and instead of suppressing it, we begin to inhabit it. We are able to love and take pleasure in another soul in this stage and create moments of communion through our sexuality. It is in this stage that our sensuality and spirituality can nourish and support one another." Page 171
"It is precisely the mystery and challenge of their differences that fuels our longing in marriage-- the longing to engage, again and again, with the parts of them we don't yet fully know. This is how we continue to desire what is already ours-- how we long for the very person right in front of us." Page 185
"We can experience a deep reassurance-- a kind of renewal-- in being truly known and enjoyed, body and soul...It becomes a form of communion and care-- something that can steady and strengthen the soul of the marriage." Page 186
"In accepting the gift of our eroticism, we become more able to love through it-- and to create beauty with it. Loving sexuality has the power not only to nourish the soul, but to connect us to what is sacred-- not by escaping the body, but by 'infusing the body and its desires with soul.'" Page 208 (quoting Thomas Moore "Care of the Soul: A Guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life")
She describes experiencing "duende" in Spain while watching a flamenco dancer with a group of students. She defines duende as "an intimate communication between the dancer, the audience, and God-- embodied communion or prayer. Chemistry Page 216
Talking about the "natural man is an enemy to God unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit" scripture:
"'Natural man' is instead ego, self preoccupation." "The sin lies in any choice to coddle our innate narcissism at the expense of our growth. Sinfulness lies in the demand that the world submit to our desires, fears and self-importance." The refusal to yield to the enticing of the Holy Spirit, pride, refusal to repent. Page 218
"And though our souls can feel a deep order within reality-- divine truths we are all subject to-- we understand that faith doesn't grant us certainty or obviate suffering. Rather, it offers us solace, evidence of God's love in sublime moments and glimpses of the eternal that anchor us in a world full of loss." Page 219
"In moments of awe or wonder, we can feel suspended between heaven and earth-- grounded in our lived experience and yet momentarily lifted beyond it." Page 219
"In holding both truths-- that I was at once significant and nothing-- I could see beyond my natural self-centeredness, and for a moment, I could see myself and others more compassionately and truthfully." Page 221
"Again, sensation-- the way we encounter the physical world-- doesn't oppose the spiritual; it opens the door to it." Page 221
"To fall in love with creation, to truly receive it with joy, is itself an act of worship-- a way of offering praise to the Creator." Page 221 (Refers to Terryl Givens "The Beauty of Communion: Love as Creative Force" Wayfare, Fall 2024, 179-81)
About pornography:
"It is important to remember that our goal is not to suppress desire, but to develop deeper self-regulation and integrity in our sexual choices." Page 275
"Understanding our draw to the erotic as a longing for connection and intimacy can help us make peace with our sexuality." Page 278
September 25, 2025
This book was so helpful in better understanding sexual intimacy and in recognizing how I can or have sabotaged my marriage. It helps me see myself honestly and to see the beauty that’s possible in an honest relationship with my spouse.
February 8, 2026
Absolutely exceptional. Everyone should have to read this book. I learned so much and so many of my perceptions have changed. The author’s approach feels so right, a perfect balance between science and religious devotion. I am deeply moved by her rejection of the idea that women’s bodies are bad and that it’s the role of the woman to keep a man’s thoughts pure. I love, love, love the idea of maturity and self-authoring in every part of life, especially sexuality.
This author is incredibly intelligent, a very powerful writer, and an enormous force for good. She is obviously a gift to those of us who grew up with so much shame around our bodies and our sexuality. Absolutely outstanding!
This author is incredibly intelligent, a very powerful writer, and an enormous force for good. She is obviously a gift to those of us who grew up with so much shame around our bodies and our sexuality. Absolutely outstanding!
October 28, 2025
I loved it and found a lot of value in this book. Definitely one I’ll be looking back on.
January 26, 2026
Highly recommended, especially for LDS couples, but really for everyone. JFF takes a deep dive into the mistaken assumptions we take into marriage and relationships surrounding sex and intimacy. It hit hard. I’m gonna reread it soon
Read
May 18, 2026As soon as I finished I needed a re-read so I can catch everything again. She's so deep. :)
August 28, 2026
Very pleasantly surprised by this. Not what I expected it to be but way better. A lot of eye opening and beautiful thoughts. A great read!
March 24, 2026
I’ve read several relationship and intimacy books - I think this one is the best. I love the positive messages around sexuality and the connection with spirituality. So well done if you want to really consider how to grow in a healthy relationship.
October 21, 2025
A must-read for LDS couples. The book addresses false traditions we may have inadvertently internalized growing up within our chastity culture (as women AND as men). Understanding that, the author can then help us to overcome and grow as couples, men and women. And throughout she has beautiful ideas for teaching healthy sexuality to the next generation. At the heart of the book is “sexual integration,” sexuality and spirituality hand in hand. This comes through deep soul work, only accomplished if we choose to do the work AND we are willing to not only see ourselves for who we are, but to be seen by our partner. It’s just beautiful, and it aligns with our doctrine (even pointing out how far our false traditions have strayed from our doctrine).
November 30, 2025
The first few chapters were not as powerful as the last few. The first few will likely resonate for many LDS people, they just didn’t fit for me or my experiences in relationships or at church. Chapters 7, 8 and 9 were profound and moving. Her ideas about embodiment, spirituality, physicality and sexuality all being linked resonated deeply with me and reflected my experience. Her mention of sexuality bringing us closer not only to our partner but also to god and the universe accurately describes my experiences as well. Her penultimate chapter, Toward and embodied, sensual faith is outstanding. Her final chapter; Ten lessons toward a child’s sexual integration was solid, actionable advice for and parent or person working closely with youth. While I appreciate what she has to say about needing more research around the impact of the proliferation of pornography, her addendum missed the mark for me as it overlooked important sociological implications for those exploited in the porn industry and chose to focus instead on the consumers. Ultimately, I don’t believe the first few chapters of the book will resonate with an audience outside the LDS church (or perhaps evangelicals and other extremely conservative faiths) or at least church adjacent, though her final few chapters are likely universally relatable. I hope those outside the faith will pick it up if only for those messages.
October 9, 2025
Unsurprisingly one of the most powerful books for change and growth that I have ever read. I always feel so expanded when engaging with her work and while yes this book is about relationships and sexuality, it also invites you into knowing and being your best self across all relationships. It is soul-enlarging on all levels. I have engaged with basically all of Jennifer’s content over the last several years. I wouldn’t say that this book introduced much new as much as being an excellent and thorough compilation of her work. The book form allows some of her ideas to be more thought-out, clear, and organized and the concrete examples from couples helps you to take her beautiful but sometimes difficult to conceptualize or apply thoughts into the real world. I truly saw myself and my husband in every one of her example couples. Grateful this book exists and I can’t wait to read it again and again.
June 13, 2026
I read this as a therapist who works in the LDS community and has many clients who struggle with intimacy and wow, this book did not disappoint. Not only is it direct, clear, and practical, but also nuanced and is rooted in developing personal responsibility and differentiation. Finlayson-Fife does a great job framing her suggestions within case examples so you can see her points in action. I appreciated the depth she went into without getting lost in the weeds. She also is critical of culture and how doctrine is framed in the most respectful, yet direct, way.
The only limitation is that it focuses on sexuality mainly within the heterosexual context.
The only limitation is that it focuses on sexuality mainly within the heterosexual context.
October 8, 2025
Dr. Finlayson-Fife is the leading expert in LDS relationships and sexuality. This book encapsulates her work. Highly recommend.
November 25, 2025
This book is incredible. JFF’s work is truly incredible. She’s articulated the struggle that is common for so many of us, and provided guidance for how to grow ourselves into something better within our marriages. These principles aren’t just for the married though. I believe much of what she teaches can be applied so much more broadly in the way we bring ourselves to the world individually. She writes with wisdom and grace. I’d recommend it to anyone!
November 23, 2025
It was both comforting and distressing to see my life and marriage staring back at me from almost every page of this book. It showed that my wife and I are not alone in these struggles, but also revealed how painful it has made things and how difficult it can be to fix.
I urge people to read this book at whatever stage of marriage they are in, but especially earlier in the relationship, to hopefully avoid some of the pitfalls before they become cemented into the marriage and harder to break from.
I urge people to read this book at whatever stage of marriage they are in, but especially earlier in the relationship, to hopefully avoid some of the pitfalls before they become cemented into the marriage and harder to break from.
January 5, 2026
This book was recommended to me and I'm so glad they did. I've followed some of JFF's stuff which has been helpful. I imagine this book is an extension of a lot of her work. The first few chapters were good but the last half of the book is where it's all at. If you're looking for a book on how to have a better marriage, better intimacy in that marriage, this is a good one to pick up.
__________________________
*Suffering is an inescapable part of life, even when we've made the best possible choices. It follows that joy cannot depend on the absence of sorrow and loss. Instead, joy seems to arise from a kind of generosity towards life -- an openness to life's lessons when self-protection would seem safer. This generous disposition is an expression of faith, and it open us to receiving the goodness and beauty that is a part of joy.
*Joy is also deeply tied to the quality of our relationships. ... Living our Christianity means courageously reaching beyond ourselves and truly caring about others, and in so doing we create the interpersonal connections our souls need. Rich friendships -- deep, honest bonds -- are not just comforts; they are central to joy. In fact, research consistently affirms that close, meaningful relationships both in and outside of marriage are the most powerful predictor of emotional wellbeing and life satisfaction.
*The willingness to step beyond our immediate comfort -- the change, to create, to love -- is at its core an expression of faith. It is the embodiment of hope. When we live this kind of faith, we grow into more loving and able people. And in this generativity, we're filled with a deep sense of meaning and vitality.
*Thanatos resists change and shrinks from the vulnerability that intimacy requires. It is the voice of ego -- craving comfort and control. While eros reaches out in pursuit of connection, thanatos retreats inward, seeking the illusion of invulnerability.
To love a romantic partner over the long term requires us to become more than we currently are. We must make room for them in our hearts and lives; we must operate outside of our self-interest on their behalf. To love a marriage partner erotically asks us to grow into someone capable of caring for another person, body, and soul.
*Erotic is life-giving, rooted primarily in our longing for intimacy and deep connection.
*Our ability to feel and act is critical to our spiritual perception and progression.
*"The spirit and the body are the soul of man," not just a vessel for it. Sexuality and spirituality: one will always shape and inform the other, and it is not possible to neglect one and thrive in the other.
*Sex, of course, is not inherently good. When used exploitatively, in marriage or not, it is deeply destructive. But sex can be good, even very good. And at its best, it expresses our love and enjoyment of one another.
*The capacity for soulful sex is proportional to our capacity for love and intimacy. In other words, the ability for sex to be sanctifying and spiritually anchoring is dependent upon our ability to know and love another through it.
*The container and crucible of marriage is what helps us learn to love. Marriage can deepen our ability to love. This doesn't happen without effort. It requires our commitment to a soul-stretching process that includes the courage to see ourselves truthfully. It means resisting the urge to hide, to punish, or to retreat when disappointment arises -- whether in ourselves or in our partner.
*Intimacy's raw exposures can be uncomfortable, even painful, but they are the gifts we need. It is through learning to love in the face of disappointments and disillusionments (in ourselves and in our partner) that we become more than we are.
*Most of us fear that the truth will only make things worse. We fear the disorientation that usually comes with allowing into our awareness realities we don't yet know how to respond to. So, we resist the truth instead -- the truth we need to evolve and keep a marriage alive.
__________________________
*Suffering is an inescapable part of life, even when we've made the best possible choices. It follows that joy cannot depend on the absence of sorrow and loss. Instead, joy seems to arise from a kind of generosity towards life -- an openness to life's lessons when self-protection would seem safer. This generous disposition is an expression of faith, and it open us to receiving the goodness and beauty that is a part of joy.
*Joy is also deeply tied to the quality of our relationships. ... Living our Christianity means courageously reaching beyond ourselves and truly caring about others, and in so doing we create the interpersonal connections our souls need. Rich friendships -- deep, honest bonds -- are not just comforts; they are central to joy. In fact, research consistently affirms that close, meaningful relationships both in and outside of marriage are the most powerful predictor of emotional wellbeing and life satisfaction.
*The willingness to step beyond our immediate comfort -- the change, to create, to love -- is at its core an expression of faith. It is the embodiment of hope. When we live this kind of faith, we grow into more loving and able people. And in this generativity, we're filled with a deep sense of meaning and vitality.
*Thanatos resists change and shrinks from the vulnerability that intimacy requires. It is the voice of ego -- craving comfort and control. While eros reaches out in pursuit of connection, thanatos retreats inward, seeking the illusion of invulnerability.
To love a romantic partner over the long term requires us to become more than we currently are. We must make room for them in our hearts and lives; we must operate outside of our self-interest on their behalf. To love a marriage partner erotically asks us to grow into someone capable of caring for another person, body, and soul.
*Erotic is life-giving, rooted primarily in our longing for intimacy and deep connection.
*Our ability to feel and act is critical to our spiritual perception and progression.
*"The spirit and the body are the soul of man," not just a vessel for it. Sexuality and spirituality: one will always shape and inform the other, and it is not possible to neglect one and thrive in the other.
*Sex, of course, is not inherently good. When used exploitatively, in marriage or not, it is deeply destructive. But sex can be good, even very good. And at its best, it expresses our love and enjoyment of one another.
*The capacity for soulful sex is proportional to our capacity for love and intimacy. In other words, the ability for sex to be sanctifying and spiritually anchoring is dependent upon our ability to know and love another through it.
*The container and crucible of marriage is what helps us learn to love. Marriage can deepen our ability to love. This doesn't happen without effort. It requires our commitment to a soul-stretching process that includes the courage to see ourselves truthfully. It means resisting the urge to hide, to punish, or to retreat when disappointment arises -- whether in ourselves or in our partner.
*Intimacy's raw exposures can be uncomfortable, even painful, but they are the gifts we need. It is through learning to love in the face of disappointments and disillusionments (in ourselves and in our partner) that we become more than we are.
*Most of us fear that the truth will only make things worse. We fear the disorientation that usually comes with allowing into our awareness realities we don't yet know how to respond to. So, we resist the truth instead -- the truth we need to evolve and keep a marriage alive.
September 30, 2026
Finally get a chance to review - my kid skipped to the end so it tagged it as read haha
I loved this book. Honestly. In the last 3 years or so I've realized the downfalls the church has when speaking about sexuality within the church. It was always stay away, stay away, stay away *marriage*, ok let it all be free!! Like what? Thats so complicated for my mind to get around. As my kids grow up, I've gotten more and more worried about how to address things that will become so flamboyant in the world around them. But while protecting them, I also don't want to do them a disservice.
The first portion of the book was really centered around relationships and how there are usually limitations from both sides to really being able to experience a true and loving sexual experience with your spouse.
The next part was interesting when it talks about your own personal development, learning about who you are, what you were created to be, and who you can become. Would you like to be selfish and only serve yourself? Obviously she focused a lot on your own sexual pleasure because its basically sex therapy in a book, but the concepts can be directed elsewhere.
But the last portion really got you thinking about what do you want for your kids, your youth you serve, your primary kids (totally within correct bounds here specifically) but not starting with shameful or fear based learning around sex. Lets talk about your body as what it was created to become. Its normal. And if something were to happen to you, or you make a not so good choice, you aren't damaged. You are still worth living your life for. I LOVED the analogy of the desserts in the cafeteria. It can be applied in so many ways. You can have that satisfaction right away first or you can choose to have it at the right place and the right time and if I personally had dessert first, I'd feel bad but it doesn't mean I can't change. That probably wasn't super clear but I love that.
Read for bookclub but so glad I did! I think the church is changing. We're learning better ways of addressing hard questions and issues and not letting so many things be 'taboo' stopping the bad and harmful things the older generation believes. Men, and especially women, are sexual beings and they do not depend on each other but together, at the right time, they can create something powerful.
Thanks JFF!
I loved this book. Honestly. In the last 3 years or so I've realized the downfalls the church has when speaking about sexuality within the church. It was always stay away, stay away, stay away *marriage*, ok let it all be free!! Like what? Thats so complicated for my mind to get around. As my kids grow up, I've gotten more and more worried about how to address things that will become so flamboyant in the world around them. But while protecting them, I also don't want to do them a disservice.
The first portion of the book was really centered around relationships and how there are usually limitations from both sides to really being able to experience a true and loving sexual experience with your spouse.
The next part was interesting when it talks about your own personal development, learning about who you are, what you were created to be, and who you can become. Would you like to be selfish and only serve yourself? Obviously she focused a lot on your own sexual pleasure because its basically sex therapy in a book, but the concepts can be directed elsewhere.
But the last portion really got you thinking about what do you want for your kids, your youth you serve, your primary kids (totally within correct bounds here specifically) but not starting with shameful or fear based learning around sex. Lets talk about your body as what it was created to become. Its normal. And if something were to happen to you, or you make a not so good choice, you aren't damaged. You are still worth living your life for. I LOVED the analogy of the desserts in the cafeteria. It can be applied in so many ways. You can have that satisfaction right away first or you can choose to have it at the right place and the right time and if I personally had dessert first, I'd feel bad but it doesn't mean I can't change. That probably wasn't super clear but I love that.
Read for bookclub but so glad I did! I think the church is changing. We're learning better ways of addressing hard questions and issues and not letting so many things be 'taboo' stopping the bad and harmful things the older generation believes. Men, and especially women, are sexual beings and they do not depend on each other but together, at the right time, they can create something powerful.
Thanks JFF!
May 18, 2026
Wow, this book is pretty incredible. Its largest contribution is that I believe it addresses the topic of sexuality in relation to specifically Latter-day Saint culture in a way that I've never heard talked about before. She talks about Eros love and how it truly represents a unity of spirituality & intimacy and not a fight between the two. She talks about some cultural myths with which many Latter-day Saint men and women were raised that hamper a healthy sense of their sexuality. She discusses 3 stages of human development and how the quality of our sexual relationships directly corresponds to the willingness we have to confront truth– uncomfortable, but ultimately leads to greater growth & joy. One really good chapter at the end was on 10 lessons for teaching kids about sex. The other was about pornography and honestly really challenged me to re-frame how I see this issue in marriage. Throughout, she uses stories of couples she has worked with that are pretty relatable.
I thought I was decently informed on this topic but Dr. Jennifer's work truly pushes this topic to a whole new level that I think will really bless a lot of lives!
I thought I was decently informed on this topic but Dr. Jennifer's work truly pushes this topic to a whole new level that I think will really bless a lot of lives!
December 1, 2025
Participated in JFF's book club for the release of her book, which was a fun little outlet for some of my questions regarding her work. I've been a big fan of JFF's work for several years and, although I am no longer a practicing LDS-member, I still find her rhetoric and teachings around adult maturation and self-authorship incredibly useful and life-changing. This book is a wonderful token and testament of the great thoughtfulness and effort she has put into helping her community around these issues. If you are a religious person, particularly LDS, you may find the application of her frameworks around Christian beliefs refreshing and intriguing as a new way of thinking, especially around relationships. Highly recommend this book to those who might be looking for a complete shift in their relationships and are ready to learn to love in its truest form (NOT an easy undertaking). I plan on coming back to this book frequently.
April 7, 2026
It took me a long while to get through the book, but that’s just because you get to do a lot of reflection and changing and self acknowledgment as you read . . . And that takes lots of time.
I’ve been a JFF fan for years now, and I can’t recommend her enough. If you are brave enough to do the work about what she teaches, your marriage will soar to beautiful places that you never ever thought possible.
I’ve been to her women’s retreat called “The Art of Desire”, I’ve subscribed to her “Room for Two” podcast, I’ve purchased several of her online courses, I’ve followed her on IG, and I’ve listened to countless hours of her free podcasts. To get my hands on her first book was an easy choice after all the other goodness that I’ve learned from her over the years.
Thanks again JFF for helping me grow to greater heights.
I’ve been a JFF fan for years now, and I can’t recommend her enough. If you are brave enough to do the work about what she teaches, your marriage will soar to beautiful places that you never ever thought possible.
I’ve been to her women’s retreat called “The Art of Desire”, I’ve subscribed to her “Room for Two” podcast, I’ve purchased several of her online courses, I’ve followed her on IG, and I’ve listened to countless hours of her free podcasts. To get my hands on her first book was an easy choice after all the other goodness that I’ve learned from her over the years.
Thanks again JFF for helping me grow to greater heights.
March 4, 2026
What a great book for our time! It is truly amazing to me how much guilt and "hiding" of something so special and sacred has occurred over the many years within the church. What Jennifer was able to put into words is what we should all be able to think about, consider, and put into practice.
So many opportunities to learn at all ages. Recognizing where you are today and where you want to be tomorrow. As a parent and leader of youth, being open and honest throughout, and definitely starting the discussions long before one would think. We need to get out of the past and many of its damaging teachings or guiltiness and start being honest, so that we can ALL be better.
So many opportunities to learn at all ages. Recognizing where you are today and where you want to be tomorrow. As a parent and leader of youth, being open and honest throughout, and definitely starting the discussions long before one would think. We need to get out of the past and many of its damaging teachings or guiltiness and start being honest, so that we can ALL be better.
April 21, 2026
“We too can surrender to God's goodness ofiered to us in the physical world, taking time to savor the beauty and abundance in life. Such receptivity is an expression of faith—it reflects a trust in our own worthiness and in the goodness of God. When we receive with open hearts, our souls are nourished, and we awaken to the sheer wonder of being alive.”
Phenomenal book! A book you will likely want to come back to over and over again. Almost every page, you’ll want to stop and think. There are too many things to integrate into my life all at once but grateful for a place I can come back and constantly learn. I hope that we all can learn to experience more joy!!
Phenomenal book! A book you will likely want to come back to over and over again. Almost every page, you’ll want to stop and think. There are too many things to integrate into my life all at once but grateful for a place I can come back and constantly learn. I hope that we all can learn to experience more joy!!
September 15, 2026
Mandatory reading for every latter-day saint adult, but great for anyone really who is interested in building deep and meaningful relationships within marriage. Finlayson-Fife has some great content in her podcasts, blogs, and more - her book pulls it all together in a compelling and powerful way. The self reflection questions themselves are worth the entire book. Don't expect clean and simple answers, as she really doesn't provide any. That is both frustrating, and expected!
Reading this has me realizing a whole new landscape of life that's been out of my view, and am both scared and energized about moving forward into it.
I highly recommend this book.
Reading this has me realizing a whole new landscape of life that's been out of my view, and am both scared and energized about moving forward into it.
I highly recommend this book.
August 28, 2026
What I like about Jennifer Finlayson-Fife's teachings (do you call them that?) is the invitation to see yourself and your loved ones more clearly by looking more carefully at yourself. It takes vulnerability to recognize hurtful patterns that you might be perpetuating and change. I also like the debunking of some common cultural perspectives around sex, gender roles, and immodesty, with the intention to humbly look at things a different way. The chapters on talking to children and teens about embodied desire are excellent.
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