Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood

by Karen Maezen Miller

Combining humor, honesty, and plainspoken advice, Momma Zen distills the doubts and frustrations of parenting into vignettes of Zen wisdom.

Drawing on her experience as a first-time mother, and on her years of Zen meditation and study, Miller explores how the daily challenges of parenthood can become the most profound spiritual journey of our lives.

This compelling and wise memoir follows the timeline of early motherhood from pregnancy through toddlerhood. Momma Zen takes readers on a transformative journey, charting a mother’s growth beyond naive expectations and disorientation to finding fulfillment in ordinary tasks, developing greater self-awareness and acceptance—to the gradual discovery of “maternal bliss,” a state of abiding happiness and ease that is available to us all.

In her gentle and reassuring voice, Karen Miller convinces us that ancient and authentic spiritual lessons can be as familiar as a lullaby, as ordinary as pureed peas, and as frequent as a sleepless night. She offers encouragement for the hard days, consolation for the long haul, and the lightheartedness every new mom needs to face the crooked path of motherhood straight on.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Spirituality, Buddhism, Memoir, Self Help, Religion

174 pages, Hardcover

First published July 11, 2006

About the author

Karen Maezen Miller is a Zen Buddhist priest and teacher at the Hazy Moon Zen Center in Los Angeles. She is the author of Paradise in Plain Sight: Lessons from a Zen Garden, Hand Wash Cold: Care Instructions for an Ordinary Life and Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood. She leads retreats around the country.

Reviews

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

BELOW IS A COPY OF THE EMAIL I SENT TO KAREN MILLER AFTER FINISHING HER BOOK:

Since becoming a new mom 11 months ago at the age of 39, I have experienced a tidal wave of emotions, luckily most of them positive, but occasionally....well, not so much. After having the great fortune to be able to give up my full-time job and become a stay-at-home mom, I have lost contact with most of my friends, as most of them have families and busy lives (with a demanding work schedule) as well. I have several long-distance friends with whom I have been able to discuss some of the issues of motherhood, but have yet to find a network of new-mother-friends close to home.

I have been interested in and studied Buddhism for several years, so when I came across your book online, I ordered it almost immediately, and planned to add it to my recent collection of parenting books, all of which I have read only the pages most relevant to my current dilemmas/concerns (with plans to go back at some point and read the rest!). When your book came, however, after reading the first several pages I was instantly absorbed, and on the first night read more than 50 pages (and have since finished it - a big accomplishment, considering I chose reading over sleeping!). I cannot even begin to tell you how much your book means to me, how reassuring it felt to read all of your words and be able to relate to them, thinking "Yes! That's exactly how I feel", though I might hesitate to say some of these things out loud (the frustrating parts of motherhood) - but you had the courage and honesty to do so, and I can't imagine how many women you have helped.

As a formerly avid reader (mostly given up on since becoming a mother - due to sheer exhaustion!), I have read many books which have "spoken" to me, but I have never taken the time to write a letter or e-mail to the author until now - but that is how much your words have touched me.

Although I just finished your book last night, I plan on starting at the beginning and re-reading the entire book again, because there is just so much value that I know I could not have absorbed all of it in one reading, and I truly want to apply the principles of Buddhism to motherhood (and life in general), so that I may be a good example for my daughter.

Thank you so much for such a wonderful gift.

[Kathleen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have an entire bookshelf of pregnancy and parenting books and this is one of the best I've read. Although I checked it out of the library, I'm going to get my own copy so I can refer back to some of my favorite chapters and give myself a dose of her words when I need them in the future.

In general, this book is a treatise on motherhood through the lens of Zen Buddhism. There are chapters on discipline, eating, the endless household chores, schedules, marriage after parenthood, forgiving your failures, and a host of other topics. More than anything, she describes an attitude towards motherhood that really resonated with me. A middle way, perhaps, through all the various theories and programs that you can find in parenting books.

One topic Miller reflects on is the endless chores and tasks involved with being a mother - the feeding, diaper-changing, doing dishes and laundry, over and over again. She encourages us to make our peace with these taks and let go of any resentment towards this "work." If we approach them more as a meditation, and less as work, we may ultimately find them transformative. It is tempting to classify everything in life that isn't outright pleasurable as "work," but since we have to do these tasks anyway, day in and day out, it appeals to me to try to change my attitude and just let them by what they are.

If you are looking for a thought-provoking and thougtful approach to motherhood, I would recommend this book.

[Margaret · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best parenting book and not a LICK of actual tactical advice like you normally read. Blissfully no discussion as to whether or not your baby is part of a normal bell curve of fussing and sleeping or not sleep and eating or not eating. Plenty of other books will give you that! But this one is an oasis away from the hustle bustle of overly analytical parenting in age of Google and blogs. A really really well-written introspection into the shift into motherhood and all the accompanying emotions. I loooooved it. And one of the best parts was that it really addressed the wallop of love you (might) feel for your infant. I had mentally prepared for all sorts of weird, stressful scenarios. I had not prepared for the total, utter rush of staring this new life in the face and feeling a love that borders on violent (in a good, Momma Bear violent protective way). And extra bonus: the chapters are really short so you can sit and read them while you are, for instance, trying to convince yourself to NOT check on your crying infant while he practices falling asleep on his own, little by little. The only slight stray into advice about screen time should just be cut from this otherwise fabulous little book.

[Lindsey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book in two hours last night and it blew me away. It makes me want to learn more about zen Buddhism, which is a thing I never thought I would say. I marked so many pages in this book, I eventually had stop myself or the whole thing would be covered in post-its and highlighter. It's the first "parenting book" that has ever truly spoken to me in any real way. My only regret is that I didn't know about it when it came out in 2006, the year my oldest child was born. I'd recommend it to any mother, anywhere, in any situation.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite parenting book yet. Miller puts exactly the right words to feelings I have but can't describe on my own, and validates so much of what I think and do and worry over. I'm glad I waited until my daughter turned one to read it. I needed more experience with motherhood's unpredictability and uncertainty to get as much out of it, and I needed to be far from my totally-overwhelmed-I-will-never-be-able-to-do-this phase (or at least be between such phases).

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is getting me through beginning to be a mama with sanity. I've read it 4 times now, and Maya is only 4 months old. I think I'll go read it again...

[Emma Refvem · Rating 5 out of 5]

Recommended to me by my therapist when I told her I was considering motherhood. I don’t have a lot of experience with Zen Buddhism but I greatly appreciated the way Miller approaches her journey of motherhood. I will definitely be coming back to this for spiritual support through my own journey I’m sure!!

[Rachael · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good Book. Loved this quote:

You don't have to wait for happiness, because there's no time but now to be happy. You don't have to go somewhere else, because there's no place but here to find it. You don't have to do something else, because there's nothing more to it. You don't have to get something else, because everything you already have is enough. You just have to be happy. ...

When you drop your expectations, lose your selfishness, forget your grievances, give up your worries, abandon the plan, stop your striving, let it out, let it go, let things pass, take a breath, take a break, quiet down, be still, empty your mind, open your heart, and come alive, what else is there to be but happy?

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Skip the audio for this one.

"Your life is your practice. Your spiritual practice does not occur someplace other than in your life right now, and your life is nowhere other than where you are. You are looking for answers, insight, and wisdom that you already possess. Live the life in front of you, be the life you are, and see what you find out for yourself."


"May you be tired and afraid
overwhelmed and ready to quit.
Quit!
Start over, over
ten thousand times over
roll out, get up, fall down
break into tears
open in laughter
sing and dance
be silly, be glad.
May you forget most things,
remember everything,
come to know in your bones
with your blood
through your eyes
from your lips
out of earth
deep below, well beyond
you are love.
You are just love."

[Meredith · Rating 5 out of 5]

A treasure of a book. I am excited to return to this again and again because there is so much wisdom to absorb, and I know it's one of those books that will resonate in different ways as I move through motherhood and my child grows up.

[Leslie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The earlier chapters were the most illuminating for me, but the book as a whole is wonderful. It's all about your perception, and your perspective -- what life and being a parent really requires.

[RH Walters · Rating 5 out of 5]

In a spring wind
peach blossoms
begin to come apart.
Doubts do not grow
branches and leaves.
--Dogen Zenji

Here is one gem from this beautiful and useful book. Miller and I have a lot in common as older stunned mamas with premature baby girls, and she writes a lot of honest kind words about maintaining compassion for our kids, ourselves and our spouses. She gets in the nitty-gritty cracks of things, as when she describes that delicate cynicism that creeps in and makes us suspect our kids of manipulation and less worthy of undiscriminating love when they get a little older and we are a little more tired. She advises us to take breaks when we're tired, ask for help when we need it, and try our best to wholeheartedly participate in the fleeting wonder that is here for a short time.

[April Coleman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I highlighted more sentences from this book than I have in any other parenting book. Some of the ideas related to being present through the challenges of motherhood really resonated with me. I enjoyed the short chapter format too. Overall though the book didn’t totally coalesce, especially toward the end. The material was better suited to a few really good articles rather than an entire book. The author also gets quite harsh on some parenting issues (like tv and toys) which I found off-putting and unrealistic for my lifestyle.

[Andrea Bára Stefánsdóttir · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn’t like the first half of the book and the authors’ narration on Audible didn’t help. I found the author depicting quite a negative image of motherhood and I thought about not finishing the book at all. The second half was better, hence the three stars.

[Celia Rheault · Rating 5 out of 5]

The short chapters were perfect. I read this as a nightstand book, but I will keep it on my nightstand and reread it in each season of parenthood. I feel like I will continually get something out of this book, in every season of parenthood ahead. The author is so relatable.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Momma Zen is a book I picked up on the recommendation of a friend and fellow mother and I will never be able to thank her enough for it. Miller is a mother and recently converted Buddhist Priest whose perspective will alter your own views on how to handle everyday occurrences. She shares experiences that the reader can connect to even in the event they have never had a child of their own. During my own journey through this book I have found greater peace and comfort and feel better equipped to handle the challenges that come my way.

Every mother or future mother I know will be receiving a copy of this book. I can hardly begin to explain how inept you feel as a new mother (even the second time around) and Miller helped me to know that I am not alone in my feelings. She shares experiences that make you laugh out loud, but in almost every chapter I also found myself crying. From the actual experience of having a child to caring for and loving my own, I finally have begun to understand that I am not alone.

This is a book that I would also recommend to anyone seeking more peace in their own lives. Miller discusses how she handled the loss of her mother and how it affected the way she cared for those around her. Her writing and explanation of this one experience is beautiful beyond words. If you are interested in learning more about meditation I would read this book, because she offers advice even to those with only a few minutes to spare. There is even a "When you need a little help" section in the back of the book referencing each chapter with a subject to refer to, brilliant.

Momma Zen is a beautiful book that breathes new life into its readers. I give it a 10 out of 10. I plan on rereading it over and over again as I grow older to see how my perspective changes.

[Shana · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't say enough about this book. Actually, I'm still digesting it, so I can barely verbalize about it at all. I've never read an account of early parenthood that nailed everything so very accurately. I attempt to sprinkle some Buddhist philosophy throughout my life, and this book really showed me ways I can breathe and calm myself and approach my life and my parenting in new ways. I can't recommend it highly enough to mothers everywhere. It approaches nearly every major decision you will be/have been forced to make in early motherhood with candor and authenticity, gives you new perspectives, and makes you feel so much less alone. Many books claim to do that, but this one really does. Miller has written a gem of a self-help memoir.

[Sarah Cler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Seriously the best "how to" parenting book I've read, a beautiful dissertation on motherhood. I think this will particularly resonate with anyone who became a mother at an older age, who had to adjust from years of freedom to the overwhelming responsibility of raising a child. The book delivers exactly what the title implies it will: a more kind and peaceful way of looking at yourself and the job of parenting, a gentler and easier perspective on the moments that feel like drudgery and agony. Miller encourages mothers to release themselves from the pressure to do everything perfectly or "by the book," and to instead take each moment as it comes and do what feels best for you and your kids. I'll be buying this as a shower gift for new moms from now on.

[NormaCenva · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a delight. And it turned out to be extremely beneficial for me personally even thou I and not a mother yet. Some lovely words of wisdom and practical recommendations in this book really put you in ease with yourself and others around you. If you can buy it or lend it from a library near by do it, I am almost certain you will enjoy the experience. No book is without challenge especially for the "western minded" out there, but this one is not condescending in any way shape or form its just a pleasure to immerse yourself in reading something that delightful.

[Kimberly Maw · Rating 5 out of 5]

So grateful for this wonderful book! The whole time I was reading it I was thinking of other momma's that need to read it too. I worry that some may be hesitant to read it because of the Buddhist influence. But this book isn't really about Buddhism, it's about the day to day of being a momma. It is beautiful, honest, and reassuring. I wish I had had this with my first two kiddos. Will read it again and again. Planning on buying several as gifts.

[Kenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book put all the new experiences of motherhood into words for me, and gave me some extra food for thought as well. The parenting books that teach you how to soothe a baby or set a sleep schedule are great, but sometimes you need a book that reminds you to breathe, love, and be present at each moment, that is, how to let motherhood be your practice. Reading this book was like talking with a good friend--I got understanding and advice, all at once.

[Riv · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd recommend this book to any and all mothers. My husband also really enjoyed the few chapters I read aloud to him. I've been practicing vipassana (insight) meditation for over ten years. I've been a mother for 16 years and have three children. I've read many books about either meditation or parenting but never have I a read a book about the two combined. Brilliantly written! Thank you, Karen Maezen Miller, for sharing your wisdom with us!

[Emma Shaffer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book for any mom in the challenging throws of motherhood. You do not need to have buddhist leanings or even know anything about buddhism to reap and appreciate the fantastic wisdom from Karen Maezen Miller. Each chapter is nicely self contained so it was easy to pick up and read just a few pages at a time. If you need a non-judgemental reminder to breathe, trust your instinct and forgive yourself for your mistakes, read this book! SO good.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has reminded me how important it is to let go of expectation, breathe a little deeper, and slow down in order to enjoy every moment - even the hardest ones - with an infant. And isn't that what it's all about?

[Imene · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where was this book when I had Samy!! Instead of reading all those books about how you should be or what's normal or not I should have read this!

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book! This has got to be the best book for new moms! Maybe for all moms! Thank you for writing this book.

[Rachael · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, so good.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my current favorite parenting book. It's gentle, compassionate, and accessible. Will be purchasing it after I return this copy to the library.

[Carey Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book on motherhood. I have already come back to it. Really makes you appreciate each moment.

[Michelle Davidson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Incredible book. THE parenting book all
Mom's should read. Loved it to the last page.