Pissants

by Brandon Jack

Nothing like this has ever happened at a footy club. Honest.

The embittered fringe players of an unnamed Football Club follow rules of their own. Kidnapping a teammate’s dog for a gag. Taking potent painkiller suppositories to get through the living nightmare of a sponsors’ event. Ticking off their Pissants bingo cards to survive the weirdness of meetings with the club psych. Fangs, Stick, Squidman and Noodles speak in a cryptic code of inside jokes and WhatsApp exchanges, chained to each other by their place on the outskirts of the team.

Together, these characters present a jaw-dropping snapshot of life within the chaotic world of a professional sports club. The psychotic rituals. The dementing cliches. The adulation. The pressure. The broken staff. The despair. The life-saving friendships. The flatlining sexual encounters. The towering egos.

Trainspotting gets munted with A Visit from the Goon Squad in Ted Lasso’s Front Bar in this brutally hilarious, unhinged and at times surprisingly moving insider’s glimpse into one anonymous footy club – and what might happen behind the headlines, off the field and out of sight.

Genres: Fiction, Australia, Audiobook, Book Club, Sports

326 pages, Paperback

First published July 2, 2025

Reviews

[Sportyrod · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I thought would be a story about a disgruntled fringe player spilling the beans, turned out to be a hilarious satire about men’s football. It’s the Scary Movie of football!

A group of ficticious players can’t make the team. They band together and act like juveniles or like guys on a bucks (stags) night every weekend. Any fear of joining a pro club comes to life: hazing, bets, fines, addiction, hook-ups gone wrong, masculinity, male bonding to the extreme, coaching staff, publicity, you name it.

The structure is experimental therefore there are low ratings from people who like conventional formats. Also some low ratings due to treating fictional stories as though they really happened. It’s exaggerated for a reason like most comedies.

Having said that, many themes involving elite sportspeople are covered. It was done so smoothly, I didn’t even realise it was happening. There are splashings of heartfelt moments too. I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a spinoff to this on the horizon. Or it becomes televised.

The change room scenes and nudity antics may offend or excite. This is not one for the prudes.

[Nick · Rating 4 out of 5]

A hand grenade of a book that I’m giving 4-stars, not because I ‘liked’ it’. You’re not meant to like it. It’s full of all the fucked up, disgusting, depraved things that can (and likely do) happen at the fringes of footy clubs. There’s barely a football kicked – instead the novel is a series of vignettes from players at *redacted* Football Club that aren’t quite good enough to make it into the main squad full time. Instead, their time is spent sinking piss, inhaling copious amounts of illicit substances and struggling to form meaningful relationships.

To borrow a phrase from a cover quote, it’s about ‘blokes…trying to survive each other’. All the worst kinds of Australian male behaviour are on show. This type of book doesn’t really exist elsewhere – I’ve read Jack’s memoir ‘28’ so there’s a depressing amount of truth scattered through the experiences of the players – the call is very much coming from inside the house.

It’s also very funny in a way that shows both an affection and disgust for the behaviour on show. (A particular shoutout to the ‘Pissants Open’ chapter – v. good.)

Read this if: You have a strong stomach. A very strong stomach.
Don’t read this if: You have an aversion to swearing, a lot of dick talk and/or dog murder.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not sure I should go too deep into reviewing Pissants by Brandon Jack because I'm  quite certain that the demographic of readers of this blog is wildly different to that of Brandon Jack's novel. Anyway...

First up - why did I pick up a book about a group of players at an unnamed (but high-level) AFL club? Curiosity. Because it's written by an ex-Sydney Swans player and I thought, 'Can he write?' (yes, huge assumption and stereotyping thinking otherwise).

I was also interested in the formatting of the book - there are plenty of pages of straight text, but Jack throws in footnotes, WhatsApp chats, betting slips, and chapters of dual dialogue where a player is being interviewed and what he says runs alongside what he is actually thinking. Some readers will find this a little tricked-up - I probably wouldn't want to repeat the reading experience too frequently but for Pissants, it was clever.

We are introduced to the Pissants in the opening chapter, knowing them only by their nicknames and how they earned those names. It immediately sets the tone for the rest of the book - a laugh is quickly replaced by an uncomfortable feeling when some of the nicknames cross the line from mates ribbing each other to being downright cruel.

What unfolds is a story told from multiple perspectives, and it's dominated by locker room banter; pranks played on teammates; and an extraordinary amount of alcohol and drug use (and all the behaviour that goes with that). There are a couple of narrative threads that carry through to a resolution, however, the book does suffer a bit from shifting between too many perspectives.

For most of this book, I was terrified. It is fiction, however, I couldn't help but think that a version of every single toxic thing that happened in this novel, has happened at a footy club. From the 'Mystery Dick Stakes' (the new recruits who won't 'reveal' themselves in the showers) and the death of a teammate's dog after a kidnapping-prank-gone-wrong, to the Pissants Open ('pub golf' where the scoring system is based on the number of beers consumed at each pub) and the drugs measures taken to get through club sponsor nights.

In the time between the group being kicked out of the first pub of the day and before arriving at the nightclub for the evening, they were to source a full-grown Atlantic salmon which would then be brought into the nightclub and placed in the centre of the dancefloor while all the surrounding players chanted, 'PAUL SALMON! PAUL SALMON! PAUL SALMON!' repeatedly.

But I had a few laughs, especially when the players are ticking off their bingo cards as the club's psychologist gives their weekly lecture.



And there were pop culture references that also made me smile.

Woman: You came to my school the other week to talk to our students. You're a footy player.
Me (fucking hell): Oh, yeah, that might've been me.
It undoubtedly was me, and that school was ill-equipped to handle two of the lesser-known players of the XXX Football Club. The Principal, some quasi-incarnation of Mr G and the manager from Flight of the Conchords, had me holed up explaining the full extent of his Uner-16s football career. 'The Train' he called himself, even being so kind as to show me the large green and white steam engine that he'd had inked on his lower back to mark the name.

Was I supposed to get a sense of camaraderie? That these guys were there for their teammates at all costs? What I got was a group of young men, fearful of things that they couldn't or wouldn't name.

Who should read this book? I have no idea. If you're considering it, stand in a book shop and read the first few pages - that will give you a sense of what's ahead.

4/5 (three stars for the writing and an extra star for the creativity).

[✨ jami ✨ · Rating 2 out of 5]

what started as a somewhat off beat, funny book soon devolved into meandering, repetitive, unoriginal dribble that went on and on. obviously inspired by trainspotting but that least that book wanted to let me know I should knock if off with the heroin and choose life. this doesn't have anything to tell me except that australian men love doing coke and degrading women, which I kind of already knew.

there is no actual insight into the football world, masculinity or men. and although some of the specific football references used and escapades of the characters did make me chuckle, it's not enough to ignore how the majority of this book is mostly badly written slop!

[Ron Brown · Rating 2 out of 5]

pissant

[pis-ant]

Phonetic (Standard)IPA
noun
1. Slang: Vulgar., a person or thing of no value or consequence; a despicable person or thing.

This is a most eponymous title for this book. Seldom do I read a book where I hope it gets better and by halfway, I realize that it’s not going to improve one iota. Pissant is somewhat like a 2025 postmodern version of Irvine Welsh’s Trainspotting. As I read, I continued to think of the author’s influences. Some chapters have an Alice in Wonderland feel. The initial comments I had read about this book created a picture of David Williamson’s The Club. Jack is no Williamson! It had touches of Hunter S Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. In a postmodern world where a text message can be measured next to a Shakespearean play this book alienated me seriously. Others have written of Jack’s literary quality and the emotional depth of his writing. There were sections where the literary quality was senseless exchanges on social media by partying footballers. Most of his writing has the literary quality of the back of a toilet door. The emotions I recognized were misogyny, egotism, self-flagellation, narcissism, anger, disgust, craving to name just a few

As I read this book, I entered a world of cruel abrasive young men with little if any decent human qualities. The footballers that Jack writes about are those journey men on the peripheral of the big-time players adored by the fans. Here drugs, alcohol, sex, misogyny create an alien world to this reader.

Having recently read Helen Garner’s ‘The Season’ I guess my expectations were for a similar treatise, but with the authenticity of an experienced footballer. What I got was a text peppered with profanities that had no direction other than stories about unlikeable young men and then Jack, post football career, travelling around Europe with prurient ideas of every female he meets in his travels.

The second chapter of Pissants, ‘Nicknames’, is dedicated to cataloguing the club’s players and how they received their nicknames: Fangs, Stick, Mud, Gatesy, Pringles, Rimma, and many more. Such an unimaginative lot compared to some of the great nicknames in Australian sport: Ian Thorpe – Thorpedo, Steve Waugh – Tuggah, Glenn Lazarus - The Brick with Eyes, Mark Waugh - Afghanistan (the forgotten war).

The sports people in this book came across as a bunch of fratboys, characters from films like Animal House. There is no sense of comradery, there is only toxic fraternity. I never saw any of that great Australian characteristic of larrikinism. I never engaged in the stories being told. This book is described as a novel. To me it was a haphazard collection of stories that were told in a crooked non-linear manner.

I am not sure what Jack had in mind when he wrote this book. It is a book that is not sure about its place in modern Australian writing. It adds little to the story of Australian sport.

After writing this review I would still be interested in reading any of Jack’s further work. We need to hear from young men with the experiences he has had.

[Jaidyn Muhandiramge · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is the reason footy players should wear helmets. There is no explanation for how bad this book is beyond some serious CTE. What could have been a thoughtful critique on footy/boys culture was instead a celebration of misogyny, toxic masculinity, and being a bonehead. Each chapter had little relevance to the next and some were so bad (both in terms of writing and content) I had to skip them. Thankfully I listened to this in audiobook form on 2x speed but it is still 4 hours of my life I will never get back. Thanks for nothing Brandon.

[Iona Carys · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5⭐️

This book was a deeply uncomfortable read that just reminded me that men are terrifying, and the culture that creates dangerous men is the same culture that sees men good at kicking and running as heroes who can do no wrong.

I’m confused about what the point or overall message was supposed to be, and about who the target demographic was for this book. I went in expecting an honest portrayal of the horrific antics that go on within male dominated spaces (e.g., footy clubs), which this certainly delivered on. I also then did expect there to be some kind of reflection on how this culture then impacts others (families, partners, women, male friendships, male emotional expression and vulnerability etc). I sat through this deeply unsettling feeling of disgust at the behaviours exhibited by these arrogant, toxic, harmful boys waiting for that to come, but it just never did.

The stories are written with a large amount of affection and ‘yeah the boys!’ vibe humour, though this is interspersed with some scenarios clearly written to show darker sides of the culture. There is nothing explicitly said about the cost of this culture, the reader just kind of hears the stories then sits in whatever emotional response that it elicited. For many men I think without explicit guided reflection on the cost, they will just see the humour/affection and then only when there’s a ‘obvious’ bad thing (e.g., death or sexual assault) will they go ‘oh yeah that’s bad though’. Especially since it’s clear most men within these cultures are not being encouraged to develop emotional literacy, empathy, or reflective capacity. The culture is the thing that sets the scene for those ‘obvious’ bad things to happen. When I read the dick jokes, horrible nicknames, the way any women are spoken about or treated, the language used etc it made me feel unsafe, because I know what it’s like to sit in those spaces as a woman and know what that culture is breeding, and the consequences that happen for those victimized by men from these spaces.

I then looked up the author to see if he reflects on this book as a celebration or condemnation of this type of behaviour within footy club culture. He is quoted as saying “there is no agenda to this book for me”. Okay so, why not? You were halfway there in reporting the stories, but I think to make it powerful and helpful there needed to be some kind of explicit reflection or learning that accompanied it.

I just feel flat and uncomfortable after reading this. I think because having been exposed to male dominated spaces in Australia and the UK (namely footy clubs and army barracks), I know that this is no exaggeration and this behaviour is rampant and harmful and I can picture all of the characters as men I’ve actually met. I would be interested in hearing the experience of men who read this book and what the takeaways are.

[Thomas · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's hard to know what to rate this. The overriding feeling I get from finishing this is despair. The comedy of it all fell away so fast and I was left with a complete disgust for every single character.

This book may have actually damaged my mental health.

Having said all that it did manage to convey all this while keeping you firmly in the headspace of the various narrators.

I think I'll go down the middle... ish

[Eboni Mezzina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This one is gonna sit with me. Exposing the harsh realities of what really goes on inside the four walls of the _ football club. Jack engages the reader immediately with his cast of unlikable and troubled characters whose insane actions reflect their struggles with drugs, alcohol and women, all exasperated by their position on the outskirts of the team.

While this isn’t a book you’re meant to really like, between the awful culture these characters uphold, the way they speak about women and their choices on nights out. It can leave you feeling gross, however I found myself enthralled by the uniqueness of the writing style and the topics Jack chose to connect back to football.

The bottom half of Fangs’ and Squidman’s fridge, stands out as a favourite of what this book has to offer.
An entire chapter dedicated to a man’s unrecognised repeated attempts to break a Mario kart speed running record. Jack goes into depth on the probability, statistics and efficiency that speed runners aim to optimise in their runs. This efficiency is mimicked in the club culture. Similarly to the countless hours of gameplay, countless hours go into making the _ football club function. I loved this chapter and it demonstrates what a unique and passionate place Jack is writing from.

[Hamish Stares · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was looking forward to this but it exceeded expectations. Absolutely debauched, it genuinely made laugh out loud on the reg, and was surprisingly heartfelt in parts. The deranged locker-room humour probably not for the faint hearted but captured the essence of young men in footy clubs. I thought the varied storytelling approach was really clever - insane WhatsApp chats one minute, really earnest travel diaries the next. Cleverly brought together at the end. Big fan

[ValTheBookEater]

I don't have a doubt that this is how football players behave. the style of this was very interesting but also its a fragmented book and some chapters worked more than others. LOVED the one chapter with the journalist asking a player questions at half time.

[Hollie Jackson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The audiobook is a must for this genuinely, stupidly ridiculously outrageous book.

[Jeck · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gonzo journalism is alive and well. Also loved the catcher in the rye-esque side plot in Europe and the book’s suitably debaucherous ending.

[Nicki · Rating 2 out of 5]

This felt like non-fiction but also wtf was that 😂 some chapters were so uncomfortable to listen to, I’m not sure if it would make more sense in print format? The flow felt really disjointed. I feel I should have done more research before diving into this but it did start off strong and captured my attention.

I kept thinking about the Euphoria meme “is this f*cking play about us?”

[Lyndon · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fascinating book: experimental, ambitious, unflinching, uncouth and really well-written. Whatever you think might be happening in your favourite team’s club room, it probably is. As a young AFL star from back in the day, Brandon Jack has certainly seen a lot. Many will want to know what’s fact and what’s fiction here, but all I can say is that most of this feels dangerously true.

With its antics that follow pranks with fellow players’ pets, the origins of teammate nicknames, video game tournaments and bingo cards for club psychology sessions, PISSANTS is hilarious, even if you do cover your eyes while laughing. I did find myself begging for a little more male tenderness. Is footy the problem or the solution? Maybe it’s too much for Jack to be expected to answer that question, but I’m still not sure.

[Marzia_Nicole · Rating 1 out of 5]

He’s not Irvine Welsh, just copying him. Badly.

[Jess Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

Utter depravity that is devastatingly familiar. May result in pearl clutching for the uninitiated. Read with caution. A favourite of mother’s groups everywhere though may result in a reduction in junior recruits in coming years.
The writing is unflinching.

[Ashlyn Jayde · Rating 1 out of 5]

I normally love experimental literature, crude humour and Australian authors/novels but this just didn’t do it for me. Some sections were incredible, but I found myself skipping through so much just to make it to the end.

[Jakob Rosenblatt · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly pretty disappointing, as a footy fan I thought this would be right up my alley and while there definitely are some entertaining/ chaotic moments, they are just that, moments.

Pissants is a culmination of random moments being described by a rotating group of teammates from the B-grade side of an unnamed professional footy club, all of whom are not quite good enough to crack into the actual AFL.

This is done in monologue-esque form which dips messily in and out of conversations and thoughts. Even though we have upwards of 10+ narrators throughout, each and every one of them sound like exactly the same character and none of them have any real defining traits or depth that make them worth actually caring about. The only one who didn’t sound like a copy+paste of every other player was the post-breakup-crisis-having, Europe-traversing Elliot, who while being the most interesting character had to most painful chapters to actually read. Each of them would just be 10-15 pages of: “I did ___ and he said ___ and I said ___ so he said ___ and I thought ___ and then she said ___ and we all went to ___ and did ___ for the night”.

Some parts are funny and give a rarely accurate insight into how young Aussie blokes actually operate, but it feels like it doesn’t actually do anything with that. The glimpses of interesting story are unfortunately so few and far between, interrupted by so much random crappy filler that does not go anywhere or add anything and leaves you at the end with a feeling of “yeah… and?” Eg there’s a whole chapter describing the ins and outs of Mario Kart and some random twitch streamer or something, i can’t actually remember wtf it was on about, it was so fucking boring.

I dunno man, feels like had this cut the 100 or so pages of sidequest filler and been more coherently structured it could’ve genuinely been amazing, but all in all it just feels like Specky Magee for dudes that haven’t read another whole book since reading Specky Magee in year 4.

[Niali Oliver · Rating 3 out of 5]

LOL i probably expected a bit too much of this book when i heard lit fic for men. the version of lit fic for men that I would enjoy is probably very different from lit fic that is actually FOR MEN hahahahha
nevertheless this was quite entertaining and funny. could've been a lot better but also could've been A LOT worse. was trying to weigh up whether males in my life would actually enjoy this -still not sure. maybe for my brother in like 3 years. didn't really like how the euro chapters were wrapped up in the end, but stand outs were the pissants open, dog kidnapping, backstories behind names and the coach's addiction

[Andrew Chidzey · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was chosen for my local book club - I thought I would enjoy it however am disappointed to say it left me underwhelmed and confused. The novel is extremely graphic and offers a unique insight into the psychology of some elite footballers however I found the overall (lack of) structure and inconsistent formatting off putting and disengaging. Ultimately I found this novel chaotic, unstructured and somewhat unhinged. I would give it 1.5 stars - interested to see what others thought when it’s discussed.

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal. A horrifying depiction of a world that embodies communal loneliness and exposes the depths of a fucked up culture that feels too fictitious and yet too real.

It is a depiction though that makes you laugh. For if you weren’t to laugh, or if you were to think more deeply, or if you even considered that it mightn’t be fiction- then the only response would be to gasp, scream, or cry.

Satire at its horrible best.

[Caitlyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

oh boy. laughed during the shelving of pharmaceuticals, squinted my eyes whilst the dog was murdered, felt nauseous on countless occasions (mainly the drinking of literal piss), disassociated for the Mario kart 64 shortcuts (boring), almost got a little wet in the eye area when any player hinted at something heartfelt, and felt relieved to be well past any personal tendencies to bender. a journey i’m not sure who to recommend to? maybe everyone.

[Eddie Biggs · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.25

Pissants truly does take you behind the scenes of an AFL club unlike any other novel. It’s crude, bold and at times even touching. The sheer vileness of some of the novel’s chapters shocked me. Whilst I hope these stories were fictitious, I have my doubts.

Though I did enjoy the novel’s unconstrained insight, I sometimes found its unconventional structure hard to follow. Combined with the players’ immorality, this made it a challenging read, but an important one.

[Sam Maricic · Rating 4 out of 5]

Diabolical - lost me towards the end 3.5

[Richard Hollands · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.6

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I can't decide if this was meant to be more funny than I found it to be. I found a lot of it to be kind of horrific.
But fascinating, and inventive

[Giselle Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Unsettling

[Emerald Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Specky Magee but for adults

[Keisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

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