what a gorgeous book - messy lesbians in their twenties is probably my favourite genre <3 really grew to love trace, silvia, and jordan throughout this book. but i think i wanted something more? the ending especially left me very disappointed but overall such an incredible debut (and what a stunning cover!)
can’t wait to discuss this with others/see others opinions!!
thank you netgalley for this arc in exchange for an honest review
escape, growth, identity
- “Oftentimes, she depended on escape a little too much. Removing yourself was such an easy way to get rid of a larger problem.”
- “She would let New York distract her. She would let New York cup her in its palms until she could figure out what to do, who to be angry at, how to let go.”
- [On cutting her hair]: “Trace had never felt more like herself. It took months to get used to the cut. She still sometimes reached up to push phantom strands behind her ears, only to realize they were gone. Trace found herself looking people directly in the eye more often now, appearing much more confident than her inner monologue would suggest.”
- “Sylvia wanted to be the type of person who took a quick spin through an exhibit after work. It felt like something that should be part of her persona.” - Trying to be the person you think you should be.”
- Jordan maybe being asexual? “She thought, maybe I do actually like him, maybe this is what it feels like. It had always been hard for her to tell… She was fascinated by it, but romance was never something that seemed relevant to her.”
- “I think," Jordan said, "that no one person can be good all the time. But that doesn't mean they're bad." Silvia wondered how many times someone could hurt other people before they tipped from good into bad. Was she close? Halfway there? Was there any way to redeem yourself?”
- “Silvia wanted to be disconnected. Now that she'd gotten further than she'd ever been before from everything she knew and everything that knew her, she wanted to sink into it, let the unfamiliar wash over her, cleanse her.”
- "Failure is how you figure out who you are.”
family
- “It was a tenderness she was incapable of giving her mother herself.”
- The complex feelings Jordan had towards her mother dying - the relief, anger, grief…
- “Sometimes I just wanted to be allowed to be fifteen. To scream and slam my door.”
- "I think you kind of sign up for that when you become a parent. They fuck us up, so we get to be cunts to them sometimes. It's a fair trade.”
- “Why were girls so terrible to their mothers? Perhaps because their mothers were the only ones they could trust to keep on loving them in perpetuity, even if, like in Trace's case, that love was for a person who no longer existed.”
- “But the words had churned in her stomach when the yelling stopped, deep into the night. What did attitude problem mean? Was there something wrong with the way she approached the world? At times Silvia felt like she had a filter over her eyes that was impossible to remove, blinding her to reality. The things Jordan said turned over and over in her head, melting together. Was this all her fault?”
- “She longed for affection but didn't trust it. Her mother's had always come with strings. But what Silvia had needed when her mom died was a mom. What she had needed in Lesotho was a mom.”
friendship and love
- “Perhaps this is what they mean by community.”
- the love with which Jordan describes Silvia and Trace in the photos she took of them
- “On one check-in that first winter Silvia was back, she told Trace that it would mean a lot to her if Trace could make her tea in the morning. A bag of herbs, in a cup filled with hot water— such a simple thing for Trace to provide in order to make Silvia feel taken care of. Trace eagerly complied and found that the look on Silvia's face each morning gave Trace more joy than the tea probably did for Silvia, and that was when Trace vowed to keep saying yes to Silvia for the rest of her life.”
- “To lose just a piece of Silvia felt worse than losing Silvia entirely. What if all the pieces eventually slipped through Trace's fingers?”
- “Jordan was thinking about female friendships. She was thinking about queer friendships, and how sex and platonic love can oftentimes be Venn diagrams. She was thinking about how confusing it could be to not know what you wanted from another person, to not understand what role they should take in your life, how it could shift and morph over time, but maybe something about the first time you saw them would always stick.”
to know and be known
- “Jordan felt a similar desperation to be Silvia’s friend that she’d once felt with Trace. It was something she wanted to tamp down inside herself. It seemed so embracing to pine for friendship, but something about Silvia was addictive.”
- “This facet of Trace was ugly. It felt hard for Silvia to unseen.”
- “But as time wore on, the shimmed around Trace has faded into a duller glow. Confronting Trace’s fallacies had been like learning Santa Claus wasn’t real - a shock, and, also, somewhat of a relief.” - the dangers of putting people on pedestals, seeing their true selves…
- “Silvia had never lived with a partner before. She'd never experienced so much responsibility for someone else's well-being She had begun to see, in recent months, how her actions, the tone of her voice when she said "Good morning," could shape Trace's entire day. She felt herself shaped by Trace too. Trace's bad day made her day bad. Sometimes living with a partner felt like too much, utterly overwhelming, suffocating, as she shared her kitchen, her bathroom, her sleeping space. Was this how a relationship was supposed to be? Was compromise supposed to feel so claustrophobic? She'd never entwined her life with someone else's so thoroughly. She was scared she might get to a point where she wouldn't know who she was outside of Trace.”
- “Was it possible to know someone deeply without a specific kind of intimacy? Was it possible to truly understand who someone was without hurting them so badly they were stripped entirely raw, their deepest fears exposed to the air?”
other
- “I want that [Fibonacci sequence as a tattoo]. It feels like a reminder that you are created the way you’re meant to be. Mathematically perfect.”
- “Rare means unique, rare means you’re supposed to be special.”
- “Silvia wasn't sure she entirely believed that, but she knew it was important to think it, even if that meant willing it into existence. But things were already changing. Adulthood felt like a merry-go-round of searing reminders that expectations rarely lined up with reality. It made Silvia want to run even more.”
- Silvia’s time in Lesotho - the experience of moving abroad, feeling like a failure, the exhaustion, culture shock, way you can relate to those others with you that others will never understand, cynicism of the peace corps
- “It took Silvia months too long to acknowledge the crush to herself, but once she did, she kept it tucked away inside her like the Ring of Solomon, something she could slip on when she needed a pick me up, to be transported to a different place, an alternate version of her life.”
- “One thing Silvia had immediately clocked upon arriving in Lesotho was how… the women considered most beautiful were the ones who were unencumbered by hair. They stood taller, their shoulders squared, their eyes pointed towards the horizon line, not the ground. It was so easy to morph her version of pretty. Like switching coats for the transition of seasons, Silvia aligned herself with a different cultural standard of attractiveness.”
- “To some extent, Silvia had been waiting her whole life for this to happen. For some man to take something from her that she hadn't consented to give…. At one point in Silvia's life, she had offered herself to men, possibly in anticipation of this very moment…. She had been pretending to be in control. Women were never in control.”
- “Jordan liked to situate herself on the fringes. It felt safe to be a part of the adventure but not fully sucked down into it.”