Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More

by Leah Ruppanner

A renowned sociologist and researcher reveals how women can build the life they really want

The term mental load has become more familiar in recent years, but the popular understanding of the concept often reduces it down to managing a list of household chores and logistics. Sociologist Leah Ruppanner reveals that for women, mental load actually goes much It’s a complex form of emotional thinking that is invisible, boundaryless, and enduring. In Drained, Ruppanner outlines the eight distinct types of mental load and highlights what makes them so uniquely heavy for

• Life organization: Staying on top of planning and tasks
• Emotional Checking in on family, friends, and coworkers
• Relationship hygiene: Maintaining strong social connections
• Magic Carrying on traditions and creating special life moments
• Dream building: Helping others fulfill their passions and ambitions
• Individual upkeep: Keeping fit and healthy
• Safety: Protecting family and loved ones from danger
• Meta-care: Raising children who will thrive in the future
The heart of the book is the Mental Load Audit, a powerful, practical tool to help readers assess where they are spending their time and attention, and how they can take steps to recalibrate their energy effectively. Urgent and provocative, Drained will help women stop blaming themselves for never feeling like they are enough and help them create richer, less overwhelming lives filled with more meaning and joy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Audiobook, Psychology, Parenting, Personal Development, Health

299 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 21, 2026

Reviews

[Randi]

I started this under the apparently mistaken idea that it was for all women, not just parents and married couples. I need one of these for neurodivergent or mentally ill folks.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sociological exploration into the mental load that comes from parenting and is often unbalanced leaving women struggling to keep everything together while pursuing their own dreams and taking care of their families and themselves. Perfect for fans of books like Fair play or Honest motherhood, this book provides useful tools to audit the mental load couples are experiencing and find ways to parent more equitably. Great on audio, this wasn't always that eye-opening but it was comforting to see how other couples are struggling and hear some ways to improve my own mental load. Highly recommended!

[Gorana B · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s an interesting concept and makes a lot of sense when you go deeper in the subject. I was a little put off by the author’s constant mention of her research. It’s limited to married women with children, even though the author mentions caregivers and single people, there are not enough examples of them and for them.

[Gabriela Everett · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m bummed about my overall feelings and experience with this book as I was so hopeful about what I might learn and how it might help inform and influence my own experiences.

This is likely as much on me as a note for the author, but the summary about the book indicating how much of the book is focused on familial relations, and in particular, two-parent (primarily male/ female) households would have allowed me to make a judgement call as to whether this book was for me or not. Instead, it briefly mentions parenthood but more heavily emphasizes the experiences of women in carrying this mental load, and as time passes, women are less wholly represented and defined by motherhood than ever before. Ensuring that lens and representation is included in research and works, such as this, is critical.

As an intentionally child-free woman who recently got married, I definitely have a mental load and could sometimes see myself and my experiences in some of the author’s stories and work, but overall, the lens of parenthood was so strong throughout this book that it left me questioning where me and my experiences might fit into all of this.

[Rachel Hafler · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were some good tips and strategies here, but overall I was not the target audience as the author's examples and research seemed to entirely center mothers with young children. I did appreciate her acknowledgement of structural systems and inequities that mean there are greater consequences for women who 'unhook' from mental load pressures. But I was hoping for more practical tips around managing mental load and collaborating with a partner, beyond just the obvious- "have more money". 2.5 stars.

[Kathy]

(DNF 39%) If you’re not a married woman to a man and have kids, it’s hard to get much out of this book. She said you can do one activity or delegate tasks to others, but what if I live alone and have a bunch of chronic illnesses, bruh? What if everyone I know is also overwhelmed and fatigued due to the blight of capitalism? How do I fix my mental load then? I work a full-time job and have leadership positions in a work organization, an activist organization, and a political campaign. Ughhhhhh.

Maybe I’ll try to come back to this later, but I’m borrowing it on Libby and want to let other people have a go. Reading this just stresses me out more, and usually self-help books have a calming effect on me, because sexism makes me upset. (Although I love learning about sexism’s effect on society and mental health, when I go to grab a self-help book, I’m already burned out and it just adds to it. lol)

[Jane (Avid reader) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Had some useful information but was largely irrelevant to me. Context could have been covered in couple of short TED talks - felt like there was way too much padding - mostly using examples that didn’t resonate for me. Too repetitive- “mental load”.

[Carly Collins · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was disappointed in this book. I was hoping to find more solutions to reducing the mental load or talking with your spouse about sharing the load more equally. Instead it felt like the author just advised people to stop worrying about everything. Dirty dishes? Who cares! Hate Easter? Don’t celebrate it. Can’t stand planning birthdays for kids? Don’t have any! I just don’t think that’s how it works. It feels rather selfish to just not do things that are work instead of expecting more from the people around you to share the work. Also the phrase, “use sociology as your superpower!” Was so overused throughout it drove me nuts by the end of the book

[Aldora Iruana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sadly I'm not the target audience for this book. But I might come back in the future if I enter into matrimony or parenthood.

[Brendan Churchill · Rating 5 out of 5]

Professor Leah Ruppanner’s Drained is not just another book about “having it all” — it’s a razor-sharp takedown of the invisible labour quietly exhausting women every single day. Smart, urgent and deeply validating, Drained cuts through the tired clichés and finally names the relentless mental load for what it is: real work with real consequences.

What makes this book so powerful is that Ruppanner doesn’t wallow in grievance or recycle buzzwords. She brings research, clarity and practical tools to a conversation too many people still dismiss. If some readers feel “challenged” by this book, that probably says more about their discomfort with the truth than the book itself.

Drained is witty without being fluffy, academic without being dry, and compassionate without pulling punches. You don’t read this book and walk away unchanged. You read it and suddenly see the architecture of modern burnout everywhere.

Every exhausted woman will feel seen. Every partner should read it. Every workplace leader needs to read it.

Drained is timely, confronting and brilliantly written. It’s the kind of book that sparks conversations long after the final page.

[Hannah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Right off the bat, this book would be most helpful if you are in the narrow scope of being a married woman with children in a heterosexual relationship. If you aren't, you probably want to look for another book.

That being said, the first half of the book was great look into what the different kinds of mental load are. If you are looking for new vocabulary and a way to better articulate your feelings, it's worth checking out.

However, the second half of the book is not helpful at all. Her solutions to solving mental load problems are not very helpful. Her solutions were basically these:

Outsource or delegate tasks like meal planning, scheduling doctor's visits, or planning vacations to Generative AI. Don't worry, AI won't hallucinate and give you plans for meals that don't exist or have questionable ingredients.

Pay another mother to make your child's school lunches because of course everyone has money for that.

Tell your government you want more support for mothers and expect that it actually cares about mothers and change will happen eventually.

Have a mother participate in your research study and give her $400 to spend on herself.

Get sick or go on vacation alone so your husband realizes how much mental work you do and he will appreciate it more.

Live in Sweden. Seriously, in order to be happy and feel supported you have to live in Sweden.

Bottom line, just read the first half of the book and maybe skim the chapter 11.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like the author's precise definition of what mental load entails, and some suggestions on how to reduce it.

Do less: I especially like the idea of defining what is especially draining and perhaps unnecessary and either delegating/ outsourcing or not doing those things any more (letting go of some of the musts and shoulds). Examples for me are not planning elaborate birthday parties for small children and not sending out Christmas cards.

Share the load with your partner: I dislike how recognizing the mental load can lead to additional relationship strain, as noted in some of the couples. My goal isn't a 50/50 split but rather a feeling that my partner is carrying the load with me, and some time to do things I enjoy. I like the ideas Eva Rodsky puts forward in her book Fair Play.

Institutional support: Any government based solutions seem wildly unacheivable in the US, where we don't have federally mandated paid maternity leave and childcare is not subsidized.

Types of mental load
1. Life organization: staying on top of planning and tasks
2. Emotional support: checking in on family, friends, and coworkers
3. Relationship hygiene: maintaining strong social connections
4. Magic making: carrying on traditions and creating special life moments
5. Dream building: helping others fulfill their passions and ambitions
6. Individual upkeep: keeping fit and healthy
7. Safety: protecting family and loved ones from danger
8. Meta-care: raising children who will thrive in the future

Stages of mental load
1. Identifying Problems
2. Remembering
3. Strategizing
4. Decision-making
5. Delegating
6. Executing
7. Monitoring

[Veronica Flowers · Rating 3 out of 5]

Written by a sociologist, she discusses how her research helped her see why the gender divide is so wide when it comes to housework and why women feel pressured to do everything and do it perfectly. She goes through different areas and gives tips- I thought that part was weird because she is a sociologist, not a psychologist, and some of the terms are different from what we use (like emotional thinking) which could make it confusing. I was most interested in her research findings. This would be really helpful, though, for a lot of moms that I know.

[Marni Seneker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this book were around when I had small children--it would have been a game-changer.

In Drained, Dr. Ruppanner provides data-driven support for what female caregivers experience every day--the mental (and physical) load, in nine categories--life organization, emotional support, relationship hygiene, magic making, dream building, individual upkeep, safety, meta-care, and “other”.

Her Mental Load Audit is an easy tool for evaluating (and valuing!) how caregivers spend their time. The resulting insights are a path to a richer, less overwhelming daily life.

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a perfectly solid book that I decided to abandon because I've already several books on the topic. If, after you finish this book, you want to read something more scholarly, I recommend For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of the Experts' Advice to Women.

[Julie Stevenson]

I'm not going to rate it since I didn't finish it, but 25% of the way in I would give it 2 stars. There's a lot of ranting about how little men do, which is a gross generalization, and a lot of referring to research without giving details to substantiate it. After awhile I found listening to it to be anxiety provoking because there were so many lists of all the things to think about. I think readers don't need the rants and examples - we know the issues, we live it- we need solutions.

[Lysh]

One of the "solutions" to reducing mental load was using AI 💀

Other than that, I agree with the other reviews about the research and the narrow nature of the subjects being explored. I would like to see a whole book about the mental load placed on teachers and actual ways to reduce this...that being said I don't think the solutions in this one were really solving much so maybe this wouldn't be helpful.

[Janelle King]

As someone who’s married but is the solo primary parent due to the nature of my husband’s work, I didn’t find this book as helpful as I was hoping it would be. Much of the book shares more about the author’s research subjects,and the solutions shared are limited to women who are married and are in a traditional family dynamic.

[Kaylee · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would give it 3.5. If you read and liked the constructive concepts of Fair Play, this is like the research that precedes getting to the point of taking on the Fair Play method. To most women, I suspect it would be very familiar knowledge. There are undoubtedly many men who need the info on the why behind why female partners are drained. But alas, will they ever come across it?

[Alicia]

This isn't a book I need urgently right now, but had potential value for others with different lives, responsibilities, and needs. If I'm going to listen to a sociological/life management/self help book, I'd rather go with one more directly applicable to me.

[Greta · Rating 1 out of 5]

Maybe audio is not the way to read this book. The litany of catastrophic thoughts for simple problems is more triggering than living those thoughts in real time. Book or ebook form may be a more pleasant to read when one can easily skim or skip over the protracted examples.

[CJW · Rating 4 out of 5]

Listened to this with the whole family (husband and two teenage kids). I think it helped them understand what it's like for mothers, and that there's a whole lot of hidden work that's very hard for others to see. Remains to be seen if it makes any difference to my life though!

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Oddly, I felt like this got TOO granular and focused on individual stories and examples and was missing a larger, meaningful framework when typically I have the opposite problem and miss the quality application.

[Dave G · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sometimes we want to get to the same place but we take different routes. That is how I feel about this book.

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

More for people that have large support systems, not for single moms that have only their sanity.

[Elizabeth Johnson]

Helpful first few chapters!

[Ellen]

pg 12

[Jana · Rating 4 out of 5]

A sociologically grounded reframe for the labor and responsibilities shared between heterosexual married people with kids; unsure anyone else will get much out of it.

[Nazz]

DNF

This was very parent focused and as someone who doesn't want kids, it was not for me. Some good tips but Yawn-fest for me!

[Karen Burbank]

The concept made a lot of sense, but the book focused on women with younger children, so wishing it also addressed others.