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Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More
A renowned sociologist and researcher reveals how women can build the life they really want
The term mental load has become more familiar in recent years, but the popular understanding of the concept often reduces it down to managing a list of household chores and logistics. Sociologist Leah Ruppanner reveals that for women, mental load actually goes much deeper: It’s a complex form of emotional thinking that is invisible, boundaryless, and enduring. In Drained, Ruppanner outlines the eight distinct types of mental load and highlights what makes them so uniquely heavy for women:
• Life organization: Staying on top of planning and tasks
• Emotional support: Checking in on family, friends, and coworkers
• Relationship hygiene: Maintaining strong social connections
• Magic making: Carrying on traditions and creating special life moments
• Dream building: Helping others fulfill their passions and ambitions
• Individual upkeep: Keeping fit and healthy
• Safety: Protecting family and loved ones from danger
• Meta-care: Raising children who will thrive in the future
The heart of the book is the Mental Load Audit, a powerful, practical tool to help readers assess where they are spending their time and attention, and how they can take steps to recalibrate their energy effectively. Urgent and provocative, Drained will help women stop blaming themselves for never feeling like they are enough and help them create richer, less overwhelming lives filled with more meaning and joy.
The term mental load has become more familiar in recent years, but the popular understanding of the concept often reduces it down to managing a list of household chores and logistics. Sociologist Leah Ruppanner reveals that for women, mental load actually goes much deeper: It’s a complex form of emotional thinking that is invisible, boundaryless, and enduring. In Drained, Ruppanner outlines the eight distinct types of mental load and highlights what makes them so uniquely heavy for women:
• Life organization: Staying on top of planning and tasks
• Emotional support: Checking in on family, friends, and coworkers
• Relationship hygiene: Maintaining strong social connections
• Magic making: Carrying on traditions and creating special life moments
• Dream building: Helping others fulfill their passions and ambitions
• Individual upkeep: Keeping fit and healthy
• Safety: Protecting family and loved ones from danger
• Meta-care: Raising children who will thrive in the future
The heart of the book is the Mental Load Audit, a powerful, practical tool to help readers assess where they are spending their time and attention, and how they can take steps to recalibrate their energy effectively. Urgent and provocative, Drained will help women stop blaming themselves for never feeling like they are enough and help them create richer, less overwhelming lives filled with more meaning and joy.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published April 21, 2026
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews
Did Not Finish
May 12, 2026I started this under the apparently mistaken idea that it was for all women, not just parents and married couples. I need one of these for neurodivergent or mentally ill folks.
June 12, 2026
I’m bummed about my overall feelings and experience with this book as I was so hopeful about what I might learn and how it might help inform and influence my own experiences.
This is likely as much on me as a note for the author, but the summary about the book indicating how much of the book is focused on familial relations, and in particular, two-parent (primarily male/ female) households would have allowed me to make a judgement call as to whether this book was for me or not. Instead, it briefly mentions parenthood but more heavily emphasizes the experiences of women in carrying this mental load, and as time passes, women are less wholly represented and defined by motherhood than ever before. Ensuring that lens and representation is included in research and works, such as this, is critical.
As an intentionally child-free woman who recently got married, I definitely have a mental load and could sometimes see myself and my experiences in some of the author’s stories and work, but overall, the lens of parenthood was so strong throughout this book that it left me questioning where me and my experiences might fit into all of this.
This is likely as much on me as a note for the author, but the summary about the book indicating how much of the book is focused on familial relations, and in particular, two-parent (primarily male/ female) households would have allowed me to make a judgement call as to whether this book was for me or not. Instead, it briefly mentions parenthood but more heavily emphasizes the experiences of women in carrying this mental load, and as time passes, women are less wholly represented and defined by motherhood than ever before. Ensuring that lens and representation is included in research and works, such as this, is critical.
As an intentionally child-free woman who recently got married, I definitely have a mental load and could sometimes see myself and my experiences in some of the author’s stories and work, but overall, the lens of parenthood was so strong throughout this book that it left me questioning where me and my experiences might fit into all of this.
April 28, 2026
A sociological exploration into the mental load that comes from parenting and is often unbalanced leaving women struggling to keep everything together while pursuing their own dreams and taking care of their families and themselves. Perfect for fans of books like Fair play or Honest motherhood, this book provides useful tools to audit the mental load couples are experiencing and find ways to parent more equitably. Great on audio, this wasn't always that eye-opening but it was comforting to see how other couples are struggling and hear some ways to improve my own mental load. Highly recommended!
May 16, 2026
It’s an interesting concept and makes a lot of sense when you go deeper in the subject. I was a little put off by the author’s constant mention of her research. It’s limited to married women with children, even though the author mentions caregivers and single people, there are not enough examples of them and for them.
September 6, 2026
If I could give more stars I would. I so appreciated the science, the antidotes, the practical tips and the understanding of societal barriers. Everyone should read this.
July 9, 2026
Right off the bat, this book would be most helpful if you are in the narrow scope of being a married woman with children in a heterosexual relationship. If you aren't, you probably want to look for another book.
That being said, the first half of the book was great look into what the different kinds of mental load are. If you are looking for new vocabulary and a way to better articulate your feelings, it's worth checking out.
However, the second half of the book is not helpful at all. Her solutions to solving mental load problems are not very helpful. Her solutions were basically these:
Outsource or delegate tasks like meal planning, scheduling doctor's visits, or planning vacations to Generative AI. Don't worry, AI won't hallucinate and give you plans for meals that don't exist or have questionable ingredients.
Pay another mother to make your child's school lunches because of course everyone has money for that.
Tell your government you want more support for mothers and expect that it actually cares about mothers and change will happen eventually.
Have a mother participate in your research study and give her $400 to spend on herself.
Get sick or go on vacation alone so your husband realizes how much mental work you do and he will appreciate it more.
Live in Sweden. Seriously, in order to be happy and feel supported you have to live in Sweden.
Bottom line, just read the first half of the book and maybe skim chapter 11.
That being said, the first half of the book was great look into what the different kinds of mental load are. If you are looking for new vocabulary and a way to better articulate your feelings, it's worth checking out.
However, the second half of the book is not helpful at all. Her solutions to solving mental load problems are not very helpful. Her solutions were basically these:
Outsource or delegate tasks like meal planning, scheduling doctor's visits, or planning vacations to Generative AI. Don't worry, AI won't hallucinate and give you plans for meals that don't exist or have questionable ingredients.
Pay another mother to make your child's school lunches because of course everyone has money for that.
Tell your government you want more support for mothers and expect that it actually cares about mothers and change will happen eventually.
Have a mother participate in your research study and give her $400 to spend on herself.
Get sick or go on vacation alone so your husband realizes how much mental work you do and he will appreciate it more.
Live in Sweden. Seriously, in order to be happy and feel supported you have to live in Sweden.
Bottom line, just read the first half of the book and maybe skim chapter 11.
July 15, 2026
Women be soloing the group project 24/7
3.25
3.25
July 15, 2026
2.5 rounded up. Identifies the problem well but the solutions presented are consumerist and applicable to women in larger cities and/or with wealth.
September 8, 2026
I made it around 40 pages in before I gave up in frustration.
The introduction admitted that many women have a mental load, but I couldn’t find a single page without the word “children” on it.
This is a book for mothers. If you don’t fall into that category, forget it.
The introduction admitted that many women have a mental load, but I couldn’t find a single page without the word “children” on it.
This is a book for mothers. If you don’t fall into that category, forget it.
Did Not Finish
May 23, 2026(DNF 39%) If you’re not a married woman to a man and have kids, it’s hard to get much out of this book. She said you can do one activity or delegate tasks to others, but what if I live alone and have a bunch of chronic illnesses, bruh? What if everyone I know is also overwhelmed and fatigued due to the blight of capitalism? How do I fix my mental load then? I work a full-time job and have leadership positions in a work organization, an activist organization, and a political campaign. Ughhhhhh.
Maybe I’ll try to come back to this later, but I’m borrowing it on Libby and want to let other people have a go. Reading this just stresses me out more, and usually self-help books have a calming effect on me, because sexism makes me upset. (Although I love learning about sexism’s effect on society and mental health, when I go to grab a self-help book, I’m already burned out and it just adds to it. lol)
Maybe I’ll try to come back to this later, but I’m borrowing it on Libby and want to let other people have a go. Reading this just stresses me out more, and usually self-help books have a calming effect on me, because sexism makes me upset. (Although I love learning about sexism’s effect on society and mental health, when I go to grab a self-help book, I’m already burned out and it just adds to it. lol)
July 1, 2026
There were some good tips and strategies here, but overall I was not the target audience as the author's examples and research seemed to entirely center mothers with young children. I did appreciate her acknowledgement of structural systems and inequities that mean there are greater consequences for women who 'unhook' from mental load pressures. But I was hoping for more practical tips around managing mental load and collaborating with a partner, beyond just the obvious- "have more money". 2.5 stars.
July 18, 2026
Another book for all people to read and APPLY. I cannot count how many friends and women I have spoken to that have said these exact things over and over. We are drained. We are mentally overwhelmed. We are treading water with no end in sight and interestingly enough, some of this is our fault! Now don’t run from this, it’s our fault because we are taking too much in and depriving ourselves of basic human rights. How do we change that? Well it’s hard. And it will be doubly hard because it will take the man in our lives to also recognize it and step up to the plate. If you have wondered if you are the only one that….., you are not. We are all saying it, feeling it, not wanting to feel it and if we truly want things to change have the opportunity to do that if we really speak our truth.
Ladies, I see you. I hear you and I am so down to take some of your mental load for things that really are of no mental load for me.
Ladies, I see you. I hear you and I am so down to take some of your mental load for things that really are of no mental load for me.
June 11, 2026
Had some useful information but was largely irrelevant to me. Context could have been covered in couple of short TED talks - felt like there was way too much padding - mostly using examples that didn’t resonate for me. Too repetitive- “mental load”.
June 26, 2026
I was disappointed in this book. I was hoping to find more solutions to reducing the mental load or talking with your spouse about sharing the load more equally. Instead it felt like the author just advised people to stop worrying about everything. Dirty dishes? Who cares! Hate Easter? Don’t celebrate it. Can’t stand planning birthdays for kids? Don’t have any! I just don’t think that’s how it works. It feels rather selfish to just not do things that are work instead of expecting more from the people around you to share the work. Also the phrase, “use sociology as your superpower!” Was so overused throughout it drove me nuts by the end of the book
May 16, 2026
Sadly I'm not the target audience for this book. But I might come back in the future if I enter into matrimony or parenthood.
August 31, 2026
Everyone should read this book!
September 14, 2026
This book is for a very specific type of woman. A career-oriented, married mom of most-likely neurotypical little children, but maybe also teenagers. And a woman with a pretty disposable income.
While I appreciated the insight into the types of mental load, there is no help because of gender norms and living in the US. Communicate with your spouse more. Let your kids hide their own Easter eggs. Treat yourself to jewelry if it makes you feel better. Go to therapy. Thanks.
While I appreciated the insight into the types of mental load, there is no help because of gender norms and living in the US. Communicate with your spouse more. Let your kids hide their own Easter eggs. Treat yourself to jewelry if it makes you feel better. Go to therapy. Thanks.
May 25, 2026
Professor Leah Ruppanner’s Drained is not just another book about “having it all” — it’s a razor-sharp takedown of the invisible labour quietly exhausting women every single day. Smart, urgent and deeply validating, Drained cuts through the tired clichés and finally names the relentless mental load for what it is: real work with real consequences.
What makes this book so powerful is that Ruppanner doesn’t wallow in grievance or recycle buzzwords. She brings research, clarity and practical tools to a conversation too many people still dismiss. If some readers feel “challenged” by this book, that probably says more about their discomfort with the truth than the book itself.
Drained is witty without being fluffy, academic without being dry, and compassionate without pulling punches. You don’t read this book and walk away unchanged. You read it and suddenly see the architecture of modern burnout everywhere.
Every exhausted woman will feel seen. Every partner should read it. Every workplace leader needs to read it.
Drained is timely, confronting and brilliantly written. It’s the kind of book that sparks conversations long after the final page.
What makes this book so powerful is that Ruppanner doesn’t wallow in grievance or recycle buzzwords. She brings research, clarity and practical tools to a conversation too many people still dismiss. If some readers feel “challenged” by this book, that probably says more about their discomfort with the truth than the book itself.
Drained is witty without being fluffy, academic without being dry, and compassionate without pulling punches. You don’t read this book and walk away unchanged. You read it and suddenly see the architecture of modern burnout everywhere.
Every exhausted woman will feel seen. Every partner should read it. Every workplace leader needs to read it.
Drained is timely, confronting and brilliantly written. It’s the kind of book that sparks conversations long after the final page.
September 5, 2026
Sociologist Leah Ruppanner challenges gender roles, especially the expectation that women carry the "mental load" in their heterosexual partnerships, particularly where both spouses are working parents.
I appreciated the definition of "mental load" as being more than just addressing the logistics of a problem. Mental load also includes an emotional weight. It's not just about deciding what's for dinner or even executing all the steps for that decision (the shopping, the preparing, the timing it all so it's ready even after a busy day), but also weighing everyone's nutritional needs and personal preferences. It includes that worry about whether we are a "good mom" if our kids never eat vegetables. It is so much more than the half hour spent in the kitchen prior to dinner time.
The mental load is hard to delegate because we often don't articulate it. The author suggests doing a "mental load audit," ideally with your partner, to assess what can be outsourced. She recognizes we are operating in a system that places a lot of unpaid work on mothers, especially in the United States, and suggests spending money in smart ways to try to offset that load. She approaches the problem scientifically and suggests experimenting with different solutions that might help.
I likely won't implement the author's system completely (I can't imagine doing a mental load audit with my spouse, sorry) but I do think it's worth considering whether the items on our to-do list match our values. I've had discussions in therapy about this and it's been good to consider.
That said, I feel like this book could have been a lot shorter, especially in the first third (I don't think any mother needs quite so many examples of what a mental load is!). And this book also churned up feelings of resentment, jealousy, and self-doubt that shows I have some personal things to work through regarding this subject. I feel like these concepts might work better for me in therapy rather than in a book.
I appreciated the definition of "mental load" as being more than just addressing the logistics of a problem. Mental load also includes an emotional weight. It's not just about deciding what's for dinner or even executing all the steps for that decision (the shopping, the preparing, the timing it all so it's ready even after a busy day), but also weighing everyone's nutritional needs and personal preferences. It includes that worry about whether we are a "good mom" if our kids never eat vegetables. It is so much more than the half hour spent in the kitchen prior to dinner time.
The mental load is hard to delegate because we often don't articulate it. The author suggests doing a "mental load audit," ideally with your partner, to assess what can be outsourced. She recognizes we are operating in a system that places a lot of unpaid work on mothers, especially in the United States, and suggests spending money in smart ways to try to offset that load. She approaches the problem scientifically and suggests experimenting with different solutions that might help.
I likely won't implement the author's system completely (I can't imagine doing a mental load audit with my spouse, sorry) but I do think it's worth considering whether the items on our to-do list match our values. I've had discussions in therapy about this and it's been good to consider.
That said, I feel like this book could have been a lot shorter, especially in the first third (I don't think any mother needs quite so many examples of what a mental load is!). And this book also churned up feelings of resentment, jealousy, and self-doubt that shows I have some personal things to work through regarding this subject. I feel like these concepts might work better for me in therapy rather than in a book.
September 16, 2026
⭐️⭐️⭐️ — A decent concept with thin execution
Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More has a solid premise, but it didn’t add much to what I’ve already learned from other books on mental load. The ideas themselves make sense—quantifying your mental workload, being strategic about where you spend your energy, identifying what drains you—but the book never fully delivers on its own promise.
The author introduces what sounds like a useful system for measuring mental load, yet never clearly explains all the steps in a way you could actually apply yourself. It stays vague where it needed to be practical.
One example especially stood out: she concludes that a mom is spending too much mental energy on her extended family and should “bench” a cousin who constantly reaches out for support. Fine in theory, but the book gives no guidance on how to handle that conversation. No script, no boundary‑setting language, no advice for navigating a sensitive relationship you’re suddenly ghosting or cutting off. It’s a big recommendation with zero tools for execution.
Overall, the concepts are reasonable, but the details are lacking. As a self‑help book, it ends up being far less helpful than it could have been.
Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More has a solid premise, but it didn’t add much to what I’ve already learned from other books on mental load. The ideas themselves make sense—quantifying your mental workload, being strategic about where you spend your energy, identifying what drains you—but the book never fully delivers on its own promise.
The author introduces what sounds like a useful system for measuring mental load, yet never clearly explains all the steps in a way you could actually apply yourself. It stays vague where it needed to be practical.
One example especially stood out: she concludes that a mom is spending too much mental energy on her extended family and should “bench” a cousin who constantly reaches out for support. Fine in theory, but the book gives no guidance on how to handle that conversation. No script, no boundary‑setting language, no advice for navigating a sensitive relationship you’re suddenly ghosting or cutting off. It’s a big recommendation with zero tools for execution.
Overall, the concepts are reasonable, but the details are lacking. As a self‑help book, it ends up being far less helpful than it could have been.
June 29, 2026
I like the author's precise definition of what mental load entails, and some suggestions on how to reduce it.
Do less: I especially like the idea of defining what is especially draining and perhaps unnecessary and either delegating/ outsourcing or not doing those things any more (letting go of some of the musts and shoulds). Examples for me are not planning elaborate birthday parties for small children and not sending out Christmas cards.
Share the load with your partner: I dislike how recognizing the mental load can lead to additional relationship strain, as noted in some of the couples. My goal isn't a 50/50 split but rather a feeling that my partner is carrying the load with me, and some time to do things I enjoy. I like the ideas Eva Rodsky puts forward in her book Fair Play.
Institutional support: Any government based solutions seem wildly unacheivable in the US, where we don't have federally mandated paid maternity leave and childcare is not subsidized.
Types of mental load
1. Life organization: staying on top of planning and tasks
2. Emotional support: checking in on family, friends, and coworkers
3. Relationship hygiene: maintaining strong social connections
4. Magic making: carrying on traditions and creating special life moments
5. Dream building: helping others fulfill their passions and ambitions
6. Individual upkeep: keeping fit and healthy
7. Safety: protecting family and loved ones from danger
8. Meta-care: raising children who will thrive in the future
Stages of mental load
1. Identifying Problems
2. Remembering
3. Strategizing
4. Decision-making
5. Delegating
6. Executing
7. Monitoring
Do less: I especially like the idea of defining what is especially draining and perhaps unnecessary and either delegating/ outsourcing or not doing those things any more (letting go of some of the musts and shoulds). Examples for me are not planning elaborate birthday parties for small children and not sending out Christmas cards.
Share the load with your partner: I dislike how recognizing the mental load can lead to additional relationship strain, as noted in some of the couples. My goal isn't a 50/50 split but rather a feeling that my partner is carrying the load with me, and some time to do things I enjoy. I like the ideas Eva Rodsky puts forward in her book Fair Play.
Institutional support: Any government based solutions seem wildly unacheivable in the US, where we don't have federally mandated paid maternity leave and childcare is not subsidized.
Types of mental load
1. Life organization: staying on top of planning and tasks
2. Emotional support: checking in on family, friends, and coworkers
3. Relationship hygiene: maintaining strong social connections
4. Magic making: carrying on traditions and creating special life moments
5. Dream building: helping others fulfill their passions and ambitions
6. Individual upkeep: keeping fit and healthy
7. Safety: protecting family and loved ones from danger
8. Meta-care: raising children who will thrive in the future
Stages of mental load
1. Identifying Problems
2. Remembering
3. Strategizing
4. Decision-making
5. Delegating
6. Executing
7. Monitoring
August 28, 2026
This book started off strong and I was very into it! It puts words to a lot of what I feel as a stay at home mom and a mom in general. Why I feel the need to have a clean home (even though it’s impossible), the need to appear a certain way and do all the things and why I feel soooo tired and depleted. It was an easy read. It was hard for me to do the assessment and determine what percentage of my mental load I am giving to certain categories so that part I didn’t love. I didn’t find the assessments to be very helpful. Also it helps if your husband is on board (which she talks about) and i almost felt more overwhelmed at having to explain it all to my husband. I feel like it’d be great to do in a couples workshop or retreat! Overall a good read but moving to another country for universal healthcare cannot be my solution…which the last chapter kinda talked about out of nowhere. Haha!
May 30, 2026
Written by a sociologist, she discusses how her research helped her see why the gender divide is so wide when it comes to housework and why women feel pressured to do everything and do it perfectly. She goes through different areas and gives tips- I thought that part was weird because she is a sociologist, not a psychologist, and some of the terms are different from what we use (like emotional thinking) which could make it confusing. I was most interested in her research findings. This would be really helpful, though, for a lot of moms that I know.
June 27, 2026
I wish this book were around when I had small children--it would have been a game-changer.
In Drained, Dr. Ruppanner provides data-driven support for what female caregivers experience every day--the mental (and physical) load, in nine categories--life organization, emotional support, relationship hygiene, magic making, dream building, individual upkeep, safety, meta-care, and “other”.
Her Mental Load Audit is an easy tool for evaluating (and valuing!) how caregivers spend their time. The resulting insights are a path to a richer, less overwhelming daily life.
In Drained, Dr. Ruppanner provides data-driven support for what female caregivers experience every day--the mental (and physical) load, in nine categories--life organization, emotional support, relationship hygiene, magic making, dream building, individual upkeep, safety, meta-care, and “other”.
Her Mental Load Audit is an easy tool for evaluating (and valuing!) how caregivers spend their time. The resulting insights are a path to a richer, less overwhelming daily life.
September 15, 2026
I don't read a lot of nonfiction, but I thought the book was accessible and I liked the workshop format. The focus on heterosexual parents was a bit of a surprise, so perhaps that should have made it to that title. That said, the types of mental load discussed are applicable to non-parents.Can we talk about how scary it is to already be at capacity regardless of your family structure? Does the values exercise help me to blame capitalism instead of trying to juggle it in? What is the worksheet on exorcising capitalism from my life?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 30, 2026
This is a perfectly solid book that I decided to abandon because I've already several books on the topic. If, after you finish this book, you want to read something more scholarly, I recommend For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of the Experts' Advice to Women.
Did Not Finish
June 15, 2026I'm not going to rate it since I didn't finish it, but 25% of the way in I would give it 2 stars. There's a lot of ranting about how little men do, which is a gross generalization, and a lot of referring to research without giving details to substantiate it. After awhile I found listening to it to be anxiety provoking because there were so many lists of all the things to think about. I think readers don't need the rants and examples - we know the issues, we live it- we need solutions.
Read
July 9, 2026One of the "solutions" to reducing mental load was using AI 💀
Other than that, I agree with the other reviews about the research and the narrow nature of the subjects being explored. I would like to see a whole book about the mental load placed on teachers and actual ways to reduce this...that being said I don't think the solutions in this one were really solving much so maybe this wouldn't be helpful.
Other than that, I agree with the other reviews about the research and the narrow nature of the subjects being explored. I would like to see a whole book about the mental load placed on teachers and actual ways to reduce this...that being said I don't think the solutions in this one were really solving much so maybe this wouldn't be helpful.
July 27, 2026
This book wasn’t quite what I hoped for. It’s marketed to “women” broadly, but really targets a narrow slice: married women with young/school-age kids. As a divorced empty-nester with adult children, a lot of it just didn’t apply to me. It’s also heavy on checklists and “systems” for auditing your mental load, but lighter on why that load exists. The best parts were the sections on how gender roles and government policy fuel it. Those sections gave me a few genuinely valuable takeaways.
August 13, 2026
Lots to think about in this book. I listened to the audio which the author narrated and struggled to not be annoyed...that's just me.
I think if you are reading the physical book and have all the exercises right in front of you that you will get more out of it. I haven't printed the PDFs that are referenced in the audio so I don't think I got the full value of what the author has presented. This is on me, not the author.
I think if you are reading the physical book and have all the exercises right in front of you that you will get more out of it. I haven't printed the PDFs that are referenced in the audio so I don't think I got the full value of what the author has presented. This is on me, not the author.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 65 reviews