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Limerence
What happens when longing takes hold and won’t let go? When the need for connection becomes obsession, and fantasy begins to blur with reality?
This book explores limerence, a complex and often misunderstood psychological state marked by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and an intense longing for reciprocation. What begins as attraction can quickly spiral into fixation, projection, and the gradual unravelling of the self.
The author weaves together insights from psychology, neuroscience, mythology, and cultural analysis to examine limerence through clinical, emotional, symbolic, digital, spiritual, and relational lenses. Drawing on case studies, archetypal patterns, and original diagnostic frameworks, it reveals limerence as both a source of profound suffering and a window into deeper psychological truths.
For therapists, clinicians, and curious readers alike, this is a nuanced exploration of obsessive love and the psychological complexities that shape it.
This book explores limerence, a complex and often misunderstood psychological state marked by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and an intense longing for reciprocation. What begins as attraction can quickly spiral into fixation, projection, and the gradual unravelling of the self.
The author weaves together insights from psychology, neuroscience, mythology, and cultural analysis to examine limerence through clinical, emotional, symbolic, digital, spiritual, and relational lenses. Drawing on case studies, archetypal patterns, and original diagnostic frameworks, it reveals limerence as both a source of profound suffering and a window into deeper psychological truths.
For therapists, clinicians, and curious readers alike, this is a nuanced exploration of obsessive love and the psychological complexities that shape it.
170 pages, Paperback
Published December 23, 2025
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December 28, 2025
I wrote the Wikipedia article on limerence, and I also own the subreddit.
I write Wikipedia articles about romantic love, also including "Biology of romantic love", "Obsessive love", "Love addiction", "Reward theory of attraction", and "Passionate and companionate love".
Most of what I am about to say here is supported by citations in those articles, as well as some discussion on the limerence talk page.
Around 2008-2015 there was a small group of uncredentialed people who spread a kind of myth or a hoax that limerence is a rare phenomenon, and that there is little or no research on it.
I say "hoax", because these authors were in fact aware this is wrong, based on comments they have made.
Albert Wakin was the original author to say this (claiming limerence is only experienced by 5% of people), but actually he did a survey which he reported to two outlets (Elm City Express, USA Today) found that 25% or even 50% experienced it. He then abandoned his survey and reported this 5% number instead (which I was able to confirm does not come from a survey, via another researcher who spoke to Wakin in a Zoom call).
There are actually about 10 different surveys which corroborate that limerence is experienced by 25% or 50% of the population (including Tennov's own survey, and a survey by Tom Bellamy at Living with Limerence).
Lynn Willmott is the main originator of the idea that there is little research which can be used to understand limerence, based on a claim in her paper. However, she also in fact has a self-published book where she admits that limerence is romantic love, lovesickness, unrequited love, etc., and cites into the mainstream literature on it. (In other words, she was plainly aware of the research, but misleads people in her paper.)
Both Elaine Hatfield and Helen Fisher (actual romantic love researchers who have written about limerence and know what it is) have also commented on this over the years, that limerence is intense romantic love or passionate love.
How limerence fits into a mainstream love taxonomy is a little complicated to explain here, but suffice to say there is definitely a literature which can be used to understand what it is and how it works. I am not saying that limerence is the "same" as other ways to be infatuated. Again, that's too complicated to explain here.
It is also in fact the case that "clinical" limerence is supposed to fall under the proposed definition of "love addiction". People have already written about this, including Stanton Peele, the main pioneer of the love addiction concept, who has a book chapter talking about limerence. (In other words, if "love addiction disorder" was in the DSM, there's supposed to be a "limerence" subtype which is absent a relationship. Several authors have written about it this way.)
The proposed diagnostic criteria for love addiction I've seen already encompasses limerence, for example: "Frequent preoccupation, thoughts, or desire to ask questions, have conversations, to care for, to worry about, to maintain contact or have an imagined future before and maybe after an end to the relationship" (Redcay & McMahon, 2021; DOI: 10.1080/14681994.2019.1602258).
There is little else to say about this, except that we basically know what it is and how it works, and it's too common to define as a mental disorder. Insofar as a disorder can be defined, there is already a discussion of that. Currently the issue is that academics don't agree on definitions, and ethicists don't agree on when it's okay to say love is a disorder. Ignoring ethicists is...unethical.
Limerence in fact leads to mating, and relationships, and there is evidence that it's adaptive in a certain culture (when early commitment is valued). Tom Bellamy has a theory (along with Steven Pinker) that limerence is a signal for commitment. Tennov believed limerence was adaptive, and she was doing research at the end of the baby boom, when marriage rates were high and people married very young. Tennov blames the resulting divorce rate on limerent relationships.
However, what has happened is that different people over the intervening years (2008 onwards) have discovered the myth, did not do proper research, and jumped in to push along this crazy agenda to argue limerence is a mental disorder (when it isn't).
Orly Miller is one of these people, and this is not a good book. Her proposed diagnostic criteria does not even properly distinguish between what I would consider to be normal intense romantic love and what could be defined as a pathology.
It is a big problem with this, that people basically can just use clinical help for something that's normal. Falling in love is not a good time for a lot of people.
Miller claims that putting limerence in the DSM would "destigmatize" it which is an absolutely insane claim. The APA quite literally removes things from the DSM when they want to destigmatize (e.g. homosexuality, gender identity disorder). Today we live in a world where "autistic" is still used as a slur. It is extreme delusion to believe that pathologizing a condition "destigmatizes" it.
So it's an issue that the field of clinical psychology cannot "treat" anything without claiming a given condition is "abnormal". (When they wanted to treat grief, for example, they had to define "prolonged grief disorder", instead of just saying "we will treat anyone that needs help with grief".)
Anyone who really cared about this should just be arguing the field should operate a different way.
Miller also did hardly any research at all, based on her citations, and she is not conveying up to date science (talking about low serotonin, for example, which was disproved in 2012 and again in 2025). I have read 100x more about romantic love than she has, based on her citations, and I am a Wikipedia editor.
The books I recommend are Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness (Frank Tallis) and Smitten (Tom Bellamy).
Tallis a clinical psychologist and OCD specialist who already wrote a book talking about how love should be taken more seriously by the clinical community. He talks about limerence in the book, but unlike most other authors, he can accurately convey what it is. Tallis provides a lot of background information that Tennov is not good at providing because of her personality and writing style.
Bellamy is the real leading expert on limerence (what it is, how it works).
Anyone who wants to learn more about this should just read my Wikipedia articles, and read my citations.
I write Wikipedia articles about romantic love, also including "Biology of romantic love", "Obsessive love", "Love addiction", "Reward theory of attraction", and "Passionate and companionate love".
Most of what I am about to say here is supported by citations in those articles, as well as some discussion on the limerence talk page.
Around 2008-2015 there was a small group of uncredentialed people who spread a kind of myth or a hoax that limerence is a rare phenomenon, and that there is little or no research on it.
I say "hoax", because these authors were in fact aware this is wrong, based on comments they have made.
Albert Wakin was the original author to say this (claiming limerence is only experienced by 5% of people), but actually he did a survey which he reported to two outlets (Elm City Express, USA Today) found that 25% or even 50% experienced it. He then abandoned his survey and reported this 5% number instead (which I was able to confirm does not come from a survey, via another researcher who spoke to Wakin in a Zoom call).
There are actually about 10 different surveys which corroborate that limerence is experienced by 25% or 50% of the population (including Tennov's own survey, and a survey by Tom Bellamy at Living with Limerence).
Lynn Willmott is the main originator of the idea that there is little research which can be used to understand limerence, based on a claim in her paper. However, she also in fact has a self-published book where she admits that limerence is romantic love, lovesickness, unrequited love, etc., and cites into the mainstream literature on it. (In other words, she was plainly aware of the research, but misleads people in her paper.)
Both Elaine Hatfield and Helen Fisher (actual romantic love researchers who have written about limerence and know what it is) have also commented on this over the years, that limerence is intense romantic love or passionate love.
How limerence fits into a mainstream love taxonomy is a little complicated to explain here, but suffice to say there is definitely a literature which can be used to understand what it is and how it works. I am not saying that limerence is the "same" as other ways to be infatuated. Again, that's too complicated to explain here.
It is also in fact the case that "clinical" limerence is supposed to fall under the proposed definition of "love addiction". People have already written about this, including Stanton Peele, the main pioneer of the love addiction concept, who has a book chapter talking about limerence. (In other words, if "love addiction disorder" was in the DSM, there's supposed to be a "limerence" subtype which is absent a relationship. Several authors have written about it this way.)
The proposed diagnostic criteria for love addiction I've seen already encompasses limerence, for example: "Frequent preoccupation, thoughts, or desire to ask questions, have conversations, to care for, to worry about, to maintain contact or have an imagined future before and maybe after an end to the relationship" (Redcay & McMahon, 2021; DOI: 10.1080/14681994.2019.1602258).
There is little else to say about this, except that we basically know what it is and how it works, and it's too common to define as a mental disorder. Insofar as a disorder can be defined, there is already a discussion of that. Currently the issue is that academics don't agree on definitions, and ethicists don't agree on when it's okay to say love is a disorder. Ignoring ethicists is...unethical.
Limerence in fact leads to mating, and relationships, and there is evidence that it's adaptive in a certain culture (when early commitment is valued). Tom Bellamy has a theory (along with Steven Pinker) that limerence is a signal for commitment. Tennov believed limerence was adaptive, and she was doing research at the end of the baby boom, when marriage rates were high and people married very young. Tennov blames the resulting divorce rate on limerent relationships.
However, what has happened is that different people over the intervening years (2008 onwards) have discovered the myth, did not do proper research, and jumped in to push along this crazy agenda to argue limerence is a mental disorder (when it isn't).
Orly Miller is one of these people, and this is not a good book. Her proposed diagnostic criteria does not even properly distinguish between what I would consider to be normal intense romantic love and what could be defined as a pathology.
It is a big problem with this, that people basically can just use clinical help for something that's normal. Falling in love is not a good time for a lot of people.
Miller claims that putting limerence in the DSM would "destigmatize" it which is an absolutely insane claim. The APA quite literally removes things from the DSM when they want to destigmatize (e.g. homosexuality, gender identity disorder). Today we live in a world where "autistic" is still used as a slur. It is extreme delusion to believe that pathologizing a condition "destigmatizes" it.
So it's an issue that the field of clinical psychology cannot "treat" anything without claiming a given condition is "abnormal". (When they wanted to treat grief, for example, they had to define "prolonged grief disorder", instead of just saying "we will treat anyone that needs help with grief".)
Anyone who really cared about this should just be arguing the field should operate a different way.
Miller also did hardly any research at all, based on her citations, and she is not conveying up to date science (talking about low serotonin, for example, which was disproved in 2012 and again in 2025). I have read 100x more about romantic love than she has, based on her citations, and I am a Wikipedia editor.
The books I recommend are Love Sick: Love as a Mental Illness (Frank Tallis) and Smitten (Tom Bellamy).
Tallis a clinical psychologist and OCD specialist who already wrote a book talking about how love should be taken more seriously by the clinical community. He talks about limerence in the book, but unlike most other authors, he can accurately convey what it is. Tallis provides a lot of background information that Tennov is not good at providing because of her personality and writing style.
Bellamy is the real leading expert on limerence (what it is, how it works).
Anyone who wants to learn more about this should just read my Wikipedia articles, and read my citations.
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