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Децата, родителите, играта
Как да научим децата да контролират импулсите си? Може да се опитаме да им внушим това чрез лекции, наказания и приятелски разговори, но нито едно от тези неща няма да даде желания резултат. Играта обаче ще успее.
Днес все по-често чуваме консервативни възгласи, когато стане дума за възпитание. Те призовават да бъдем строги и да се откажем от прекалената толерантност на поколението, което възпитаваше с помощта на д-р Бенджамин Спок. Истинският проблем всъщност трябва да се търси другаде и да се решава по различен начин: нито потисничеството, нито угаждането на децата им осигуряват човешката връзка, която им е необходима, за да са морални, отговорни и щастливи. Днес махалото се е люшнало от едната крайност – бой за малчуганите, към другата – тяхното разглезване... Ала и в двете положения липсва истински контакт между възрастните и рожбите им. Когато родителят е прекалено строг, той игнорира способността на детето да взима собствени решения; когато пък го глези, игнорира нуждата им да допринасят нещо за семейството като негови пълноценни членове.
Решението? За да са способни да се променят в положителна посока, децата трябва първо да почувстват топла връзка с някого и да се изпълнят с увереност, а играта е точно онова, чрез което се изгражда тъй нужната близост.
Днес все по-често чуваме консервативни възгласи, когато стане дума за възпитание. Те призовават да бъдем строги и да се откажем от прекалената толерантност на поколението, което възпитаваше с помощта на д-р Бенджамин Спок. Истинският проблем всъщност трябва да се търси другаде и да се решава по различен начин: нито потисничеството, нито угаждането на децата им осигуряват човешката връзка, която им е необходима, за да са морални, отговорни и щастливи. Днес махалото се е люшнало от едната крайност – бой за малчуганите, към другата – тяхното разглезване... Ала и в двете положения липсва истински контакт между възрастните и рожбите им. Когато родителят е прекалено строг, той игнорира способността на детето да взима собствени решения; когато пък го глези, игнорира нуждата им да допринасят нещо за семейството като негови пълноценни членове.
Решението? За да са способни да се променят в положителна посока, децата трябва първо да почувстват топла връзка с някого и да се изпълнят с увереност, а играта е точно онова, чрез което се изгражда тъй нужната близост.
392 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2001
1044 people are currently reading
11062 people want to read
About the author
Lawrence J. Cohen
20 books84 followersLawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., the author of PLAYFUL PARENTING, is a licensed psychologist specializing in children's play and play therapy. In addition to his private therapy practice, he is also a speaker and consultant to public and independent schools, and a teacher of parenting classes and classes for daycare teachers. Dr. Cohen is also the co-author, with Michael Thompson and Catherine O'Neill Grace, of Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Friendship, Popularity and Social Cruelty in the Lives of Boys and Girls, and Mom, They're Teasing Me: Helping Children Solve Social Problems. His regular column in Nick Jr. Magazine was the winner of the 2003 Golden Lamp award from Education Press, and he also answers parents' questions online at NickJr.com.
Dr. Cohen is the author of numerous published articles in professional journals and popular magazines, and he has presented his work at professional conferences, workshops, classes, and public appearances.
Dr. Cohen attended Haverford College and received his doctorate in clinical psychology from Duke University. After an internship at Tulane University, he began a research and private practice career in Madison, Wisconsin. His treatment innovations have included the first groups in the country for husbands and boyfriends of sexual abuse survivors, as well as one of the first therapy groups for male survivors of sexual abuse. All of his work -- with children, parents, couples, abuse survivors, and families -- has pointed him towards writing about human connections.
Dr. Cohen lives in Brookline, Massachusetts.
Dr. Cohen is the author of numerous published articles in professional journals and popular magazines, and he has presented his work at professional conferences, workshops, classes, and public appearances.
Dr. Cohen attended Haverford College and received his doctorate in clinical psychology from Duke University. After an internship at Tulane University, he began a research and private practice career in Madison, Wisconsin. His treatment innovations have included the first groups in the country for husbands and boyfriends of sexual abuse survivors, as well as one of the first therapy groups for male survivors of sexual abuse. All of his work -- with children, parents, couples, abuse survivors, and families -- has pointed him towards writing about human connections.
Dr. Cohen lives in Brookline, Massachusetts.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 417 reviews
June 12, 2013
I had a love/hate relationship with this book. I feel like it motivated me to play with my children more. It also made me rethink the value of play and what certain types of play mean. Due to this book, I played a game where my young son took away my shoes and I cried and cried about how I wanted them back. My son loved the game and due to reading this book, I could see where this would be fun for him when in real life, I'm the one taking things away from him. So there were nuggets that were gleaned from this reading experience.
That being said, this book was long and super repetitive. I was aggravated by the poor organization that allowed such repetitiveness. It wasn't very "user" friendly either. I waited a long time for answers to simple questions. For example, I wanted to know how often I should play with my children. It took the author forever to get around to answering this question and it was never answered to my satisfaction. The author spent a lot of reading time relating stories and metaphors without clearly stating what playful parenting is and how it's done.
The second thing that bothered me the most, was the author himself. His writing came off as condescending and judgmental towards us poor parents who just don't know what to do. Some of his real life stories bugged me as well. For instance, he relates one story of a mother who he considered was being overprotective of her child and therefore, inhibiting her child. Rather than create an awkward situation by pointing this out to her, he made a game of it. The game was to exaggerate her behaviors to help her see how ridiculous she was being. He seemed very proud that he corrected her without embarrassing her. I, personally, found his approach more rude and humiliating than if he would have just told her she was being overprotective. Although both are bad things to do in my opinion. What gave him the right to judge her and her parenting? If she was asking for his help, that's one thing, but she wasn't. It wasn't his place to correct her.
There was another section where the author talks about parents helping and supporting one another. He suggests instead of ignoring a fellow parent and child where the child is throwing a tantrum, to walk up the the parent and say, "Wow. Looks like you've had a long day." Um, that's supposed to be helpful and supportive? I'm sure in the middle of my child's tantrum, I would love for a stranger to come up to me and guess how my day was going based on the ten seconds they've observed me. So helpful. Of course, he also gave the suggestion to stand by, offering a supportive smile. Who doesn't want an audience to their child's tantrum? The only suggestion I found helpful was when he recommended assisting the parent of a child throwing a tantrum by taking out their groceries.
Another thing I didn't like was that the author seemed to expect the reader to believe broad, sweeping statements without providing the research to back them up. This book was very anecdotal. For instance, the author would have been a lot more credible in his disdain for the "cry it out" method if he would have backed that up with evidence, rather than a general statement from his experience counseling adults who were left to cry it out as babies.
There were many other things that bothered me. As with any other parenting book, the author claimed that his ideas would solve ALL problems and would fit any parent/child mold. By the end of the book, I wasn't convinced.
It also annoyed me that children were never to blame for their problems and it seemed like the parents were held completely responsible for their child's behavior. Your child is acting out, why it's because you're not connected with her! If you played with your child more, she wouldn't be acting like this! The political correctness of it all drove me a little crazy. Instead of calling a temper tantrum a "fit" (therefore blaming the child), let's call it a "fight" and make it "our" problem.
There was constant, “Even though a child is acting like this, it really means this.” Of course his assessments would be right some of the time. However, he never seemed to consider other factors. Like maybe a child is hungry or tired or maybe their behavior doesn’t have a logical reason at all! To me, human behavior and motivations are too complex to be dumbed down as much as the author dumbed down kids' behavior. Sometimes there is just one reason for people’s actions, but more often than not, there are several.
I didn't necessarily hate this book (despite the multiple times I wanted to chuck it across the room and couldn't--dang e-books). It was just a matter of finding the few gems amongst all that other stuff. This would probably be much higher rated if I had skimmed it and checked it out from the library. I know it will forever change how I view play, and for that, I am grateful.
2 Stars.
That being said, this book was long and super repetitive. I was aggravated by the poor organization that allowed such repetitiveness. It wasn't very "user" friendly either. I waited a long time for answers to simple questions. For example, I wanted to know how often I should play with my children. It took the author forever to get around to answering this question and it was never answered to my satisfaction. The author spent a lot of reading time relating stories and metaphors without clearly stating what playful parenting is and how it's done.
The second thing that bothered me the most, was the author himself. His writing came off as condescending and judgmental towards us poor parents who just don't know what to do. Some of his real life stories bugged me as well. For instance, he relates one story of a mother who he considered was being overprotective of her child and therefore, inhibiting her child. Rather than create an awkward situation by pointing this out to her, he made a game of it. The game was to exaggerate her behaviors to help her see how ridiculous she was being. He seemed very proud that he corrected her without embarrassing her. I, personally, found his approach more rude and humiliating than if he would have just told her she was being overprotective. Although both are bad things to do in my opinion. What gave him the right to judge her and her parenting? If she was asking for his help, that's one thing, but she wasn't. It wasn't his place to correct her.
There was another section where the author talks about parents helping and supporting one another. He suggests instead of ignoring a fellow parent and child where the child is throwing a tantrum, to walk up the the parent and say, "Wow. Looks like you've had a long day." Um, that's supposed to be helpful and supportive? I'm sure in the middle of my child's tantrum, I would love for a stranger to come up to me and guess how my day was going based on the ten seconds they've observed me. So helpful. Of course, he also gave the suggestion to stand by, offering a supportive smile. Who doesn't want an audience to their child's tantrum? The only suggestion I found helpful was when he recommended assisting the parent of a child throwing a tantrum by taking out their groceries.
Another thing I didn't like was that the author seemed to expect the reader to believe broad, sweeping statements without providing the research to back them up. This book was very anecdotal. For instance, the author would have been a lot more credible in his disdain for the "cry it out" method if he would have backed that up with evidence, rather than a general statement from his experience counseling adults who were left to cry it out as babies.
There were many other things that bothered me. As with any other parenting book, the author claimed that his ideas would solve ALL problems and would fit any parent/child mold. By the end of the book, I wasn't convinced.
It also annoyed me that children were never to blame for their problems and it seemed like the parents were held completely responsible for their child's behavior. Your child is acting out, why it's because you're not connected with her! If you played with your child more, she wouldn't be acting like this! The political correctness of it all drove me a little crazy. Instead of calling a temper tantrum a "fit" (therefore blaming the child), let's call it a "fight" and make it "our" problem.
There was constant, “Even though a child is acting like this, it really means this.” Of course his assessments would be right some of the time. However, he never seemed to consider other factors. Like maybe a child is hungry or tired or maybe their behavior doesn’t have a logical reason at all! To me, human behavior and motivations are too complex to be dumbed down as much as the author dumbed down kids' behavior. Sometimes there is just one reason for people’s actions, but more often than not, there are several.
I didn't necessarily hate this book (despite the multiple times I wanted to chuck it across the room and couldn't--dang e-books). It was just a matter of finding the few gems amongst all that other stuff. This would probably be much higher rated if I had skimmed it and checked it out from the library. I know it will forever change how I view play, and for that, I am grateful.
2 Stars.
September 16, 2012
I had thought a lot about what parenting was going to mean for me and how I was going to go about it. I read a lot of different books covering all areas in great detail and discussedit with my partner. When my son arrived the experienced surpassed the greatest of expectations. Being the mother to a baby was just wonderful. BUT THEN one day, our baby was a boy who wanted to PLAY. He really showed that he needed me to get down on the floor and PLAY with him and his toys. I was totally unprepared for this. I could do it for a bit, but then after a while I was exasperated and he was restless. After some time of games like putting all the farm animals in the correct part of the plastic barn and pretend feeding them and putting them to sleep, it was just SO BORING and I couldn't think of what to do next. I felt terribly guilty about checking my watch throughout and then I felt like I was the most boring and unimaginative person ever. I felt there was obviously some wonderful world of fantasy and fun he was in which I as an adult had lost. For the first time I felt disconnected from him. After a few pages of this book, I got down on the floor with my son and played with gusto. I loved it and I could tell that my son was enjoying it. He is only a year and a half . His eyes lit up and at the end of one game that same afternoon he really just looked at me into my eyes with some new curiosity and he stopped repeatedly and intermittently to give me huge hugs in a way which he had never done before.They were not the regular cuddly hugs, but more like "this is new, we're having fun together aren't we?" hugs. We'd started a new way of being together. The book affected not only the way we play together but it introduced for me a whole new way of being a parent which has made it even more rewarding for me. I felt that I had (as much as I could !) really got to grips with what I wanted to do in terms of the attachment parenting issues, "disciplining", communication, connecting and all the practical parts of parenting, but here was the fun and the drive to infuse ALL of those areas. Each page is packed with intelligent thought-provoking ideas and sometimes very serious issues, all of which are embedded in such simple and funny anecdotes from his own practice that there is never a dry or "heavy" moment. There are suggestions HOW to play, how to enjoy it as a parent and how to make the most of it for your child as well as your connection with your child. I also knew that playing was also really important for the development of a child, but I'd just taken this as a given and never spent much thought on what it actually meant. Cohen's ideas about why it is developmentally important opened my eyes. It makes one really think about how to play and Cohen has so many smart ideas about how to use play to contribute as a parent to that development. I know that there are those who really believe that children should "learn" as soon as possible to play by themselves and you might get the impression you have to spend time, which you do not have, playing for ever. But this book is about making the whole of parenting fun and rewarding for everyone. PLUS, our boy DOES now play by himself (as well as with me) and he is fantastic at initiating games with other children. After all as a parent, you can only be that much fun at the end of the day...He plays loud intense and funny games with his toys by himself and sometimes I have to stop myself from bothering him and joining in. Groundbreaking.
October 28, 2008
This book is a must read for those in the attachment parenting camp, and any other parent wanting to have more fun, more connection and more happy times with their children. Cohen gives concrete examples of how to connect with kids using play, including rough-housing, games, silly antics and everyday activities.
The basics:
Children "misbehave" when they are disconnected. In order to reach the kids, we need to re-connect. The best way to do this is in the language of children - play. We have to look at challenges not as something to fix in the children, but as a problems to solve together with the child/ren. We must allow children to express their feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, joy, etc. even when it is uncomfortable for the adults. Until the emotions are fully felt and released the kids carry them around. Eventually those feelings come out in the form of bullying, disobedience, violence, recklessness, etc. Cohen's big idea is that isolation and disconnection are the cause of problems in families.
Reading this book has already changed my life, by changing the way I look at life with a two year old, and even my behavior. One idea that will stay with me: say "yes" as often as possible. So often we go on automatic pilot and say "no" to every request and idea. But most of what children want to do or ask is really not worth a "no". Children should be given the chance to try new things (within safety limits, although we often exaggerate the danger in a outing, challenge, game, etc.), they need to learn new things, try to solve problems and explore the world with their senses and intellect. This idea doesn't mean your child gets to eat candy every night for dinner or gets every toy that crosses her path, but it means to open yourself up to the fun and unexpected learning in everyday activities and unexpected adventures.
My life is easier because when faced with a whining or negative toddler, I make a funny face, dance a silly dance or just give him a big tight hug. Most of the time things turn around right away and we get back to having fun or accomplishing the task at hand. Connection is the key. Kids want and need our attention. They will get it any way they can. Instead of punishing unwanted behavior, why not examine your own reasons for considering it unwanted or "bad", and then see a way to work it out with the child. Maybe your kid is just bored or lonely or tired, not determined to make your day a living hell. Parenting is a contact sport, not a passive activity.
One tactic mentioned a lot on the book is just simply falling down like a fool, another is wrestling. Physical contact is key to connection. You also have to be willing to play the fool. Your child feels like a fool so often in their lives, they don't know all the answers, feel awkward in social situations, get told what to do by everyone; so once in a while it would be nice for us parents to play the fool, let the kid be the leader, the smart one, the winner. Yes, Cohen suggests that we lose on purpose to our kids, and play up to their limits. In beating us, kids grow confident, learn the game and get to be the victor. Who doesn't like to win? Our egos should be able to handle the lose, and some day the kids will ask us to stop letting them win.
Cohen acknowledges that sometimes the last thing we want to do is get on the floor and play Barbies or build a blanket fort, but that's the work of parenting. Through play we connect, we bond, our children grow to trust us, and we lay the groundwork for all the big things that lay in the future. It is time intensive and occasionally boring, but playful parenting is also fun, joyful and a great learning experience. I hope I keep up the good work.
The basics:
Children "misbehave" when they are disconnected. In order to reach the kids, we need to re-connect. The best way to do this is in the language of children - play. We have to look at challenges not as something to fix in the children, but as a problems to solve together with the child/ren. We must allow children to express their feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, joy, etc. even when it is uncomfortable for the adults. Until the emotions are fully felt and released the kids carry them around. Eventually those feelings come out in the form of bullying, disobedience, violence, recklessness, etc. Cohen's big idea is that isolation and disconnection are the cause of problems in families.
Reading this book has already changed my life, by changing the way I look at life with a two year old, and even my behavior. One idea that will stay with me: say "yes" as often as possible. So often we go on automatic pilot and say "no" to every request and idea. But most of what children want to do or ask is really not worth a "no". Children should be given the chance to try new things (within safety limits, although we often exaggerate the danger in a outing, challenge, game, etc.), they need to learn new things, try to solve problems and explore the world with their senses and intellect. This idea doesn't mean your child gets to eat candy every night for dinner or gets every toy that crosses her path, but it means to open yourself up to the fun and unexpected learning in everyday activities and unexpected adventures.
My life is easier because when faced with a whining or negative toddler, I make a funny face, dance a silly dance or just give him a big tight hug. Most of the time things turn around right away and we get back to having fun or accomplishing the task at hand. Connection is the key. Kids want and need our attention. They will get it any way they can. Instead of punishing unwanted behavior, why not examine your own reasons for considering it unwanted or "bad", and then see a way to work it out with the child. Maybe your kid is just bored or lonely or tired, not determined to make your day a living hell. Parenting is a contact sport, not a passive activity.
One tactic mentioned a lot on the book is just simply falling down like a fool, another is wrestling. Physical contact is key to connection. You also have to be willing to play the fool. Your child feels like a fool so often in their lives, they don't know all the answers, feel awkward in social situations, get told what to do by everyone; so once in a while it would be nice for us parents to play the fool, let the kid be the leader, the smart one, the winner. Yes, Cohen suggests that we lose on purpose to our kids, and play up to their limits. In beating us, kids grow confident, learn the game and get to be the victor. Who doesn't like to win? Our egos should be able to handle the lose, and some day the kids will ask us to stop letting them win.
Cohen acknowledges that sometimes the last thing we want to do is get on the floor and play Barbies or build a blanket fort, but that's the work of parenting. Through play we connect, we bond, our children grow to trust us, and we lay the groundwork for all the big things that lay in the future. It is time intensive and occasionally boring, but playful parenting is also fun, joyful and a great learning experience. I hope I keep up the good work.
March 28, 2009
Cohen has tremendous energy and creativity in using play therapy to connect with children and help them deal with difficult feelings and impulses. What a fresh approach to parenting! Reading the first several chapters, I was amazed and impressed at how he looks at troubling behavior, mindfully tries to reframe it, seeking to understand the struggle going on inside the child, and help that child come through it in an atmosphere of loving support. Cohen seems remarkably intuitive, and senses when to mirror, when to do a role switching game, whether roughhousing is the way to go, or not. He describes many encounters with his daughter, and other children, in which their moods are quickly transformed. (I wonder if the kids weren't at times just humoring him.) As I continued to read, it occurred to me, this guy is a little out of touch with “normal” family life: he has one child, and he gets paid to play with children, a job which he clearly enjoys very much. From his comfortable situation, it is easy for him to advocate this approach and denigrate all others. He makes a case against the traditional tools of positive discipline, time-outs, bribes, rewards, and punishments. For most parents, however, there are countless things vying for our time and attention. We have to balance the needs of partners, other children, career, education, community involvement, health & hygiene, household chores, leisure, and so on. The techniques that he criticizes are effective and fast, when used appropriately. Time-outs can be effective, and provide the breathing space for both parent and child to regroup individually before reconnecting. Bribes can be bad, but they can also be a great temporary solution to get over a hump and then be phased out. Same thing with rewards. Appropriate punishments send a clear message fast, so long as we aren't trying to control our kids with threats. That never works for long, anyway.
A central message in Cohen's book is that our kids need to feel connected with their parents, not isolated from them. I agree. But kids need some downtime to process what is happening. Having a grown-up sit there with you through every developmental struggle, interpret it for you, and try to teach you lessons about it, will not always be helpful. Indeed, I feel it could be harmful. Kids are capable of processing things in their own ways, and some kids will do this more effectively given some alone time. If parents model good self-control most of the time, kids will learn to regulate emotions and express them positively. All in all, this is a great resource on being playful, but I'm not buying his gospel sermons against the other tools. Rewards & punishments, etc. have their place. We can absolutely have securely attached children and still use these behavioral methods. But I sincerely believe that if all parents could/would connect with their kids through play every day, society would be transformed!
A central message in Cohen's book is that our kids need to feel connected with their parents, not isolated from them. I agree. But kids need some downtime to process what is happening. Having a grown-up sit there with you through every developmental struggle, interpret it for you, and try to teach you lessons about it, will not always be helpful. Indeed, I feel it could be harmful. Kids are capable of processing things in their own ways, and some kids will do this more effectively given some alone time. If parents model good self-control most of the time, kids will learn to regulate emotions and express them positively. All in all, this is a great resource on being playful, but I'm not buying his gospel sermons against the other tools. Rewards & punishments, etc. have their place. We can absolutely have securely attached children and still use these behavioral methods. But I sincerely believe that if all parents could/would connect with their kids through play every day, society would be transformed!
August 6, 2012
While this book did help me think about more playful ways to communicate with my children, I wished it were organized differently. The author talks about the "Playful Parenting method" a lot but doesn't really ever articulate exactly what it is. He just says that it is "this philosophy" or "that philosophy." I guess you can see each chapter as an articulation of the method but I kept waiting for a more clear explanation and it never came.
Also, this book has a lot of specific anecdotes. You can read between the lines to figure out how to apply them to your parenting lifestyle but that leaves a lot to be desired. I wished that he would give more specific guidelines for age groups such as infancy, toddlers, pre-teens, etc.
In all, this is a worthy read because of the way it helps you to communicate with your children on their level and notice the ways you might have been missing the mark in the past.
Also, this book has a lot of specific anecdotes. You can read between the lines to figure out how to apply them to your parenting lifestyle but that leaves a lot to be desired. I wished that he would give more specific guidelines for age groups such as infancy, toddlers, pre-teens, etc.
In all, this is a worthy read because of the way it helps you to communicate with your children on their level and notice the ways you might have been missing the mark in the past.
July 22, 2012
“Pretend… that we’re really gonna be late and you’re really mad.” Imagine your child saying that when you’re grumpy and trying to get out the door in the morning. Games work for kids and parents, too.
"Playful Parenting" is a psychological look at what works with kids. It includes the memorable analogy of filling a child's cup with connection to meet his/her needs. Dr. Cohen clearly establishes that meeting children's needs is the key to long-term behavior management as opposed to reward-and-punishment behavior modification methods.
"Playful Parenting" is a psychological look at what works with kids. It includes the memorable analogy of filling a child's cup with connection to meet his/her needs. Dr. Cohen clearly establishes that meeting children's needs is the key to long-term behavior management as opposed to reward-and-punishment behavior modification methods.
January 13, 2014
Very mixed feelings on this one. On the plus side, Cohen offers some absolute gems of advice, and he has well and truly convinced me to incorporate much more playtime with my boy and even (gasp!) wrestle and play guns with him! On the down side, the book badly needed an editing job - I found it rambling and repetitive. I think this book would have benefitted from someone experienced in laying out non-fiction, with lots of dot-point summaries at the end of each chapter and a harsh red penning of repetitive information. He could have conveyed the same information much more concisely if he had not repeated himself so much.
The other thing that bothered me a lot about the book was how smug and condescending Cohen was. There were a couple of instances where he actually went in and judged or intervened in another parent's decision making. No parent wants unsolicited advice, and every child is too unique to make a snap judgement like that. He struck me as very arrogant and not terribly understanding towards parents at times. I think he would be a pretty annoying person to know.
Even so, I have highlighted many of his more salient points as 'notes to self' and I will certainly try some of his techniques with my little guy.
The other thing that bothered me a lot about the book was how smug and condescending Cohen was. There were a couple of instances where he actually went in and judged or intervened in another parent's decision making. No parent wants unsolicited advice, and every child is too unique to make a snap judgement like that. He struck me as very arrogant and not terribly understanding towards parents at times. I think he would be a pretty annoying person to know.
Even so, I have highlighted many of his more salient points as 'notes to self' and I will certainly try some of his techniques with my little guy.
July 16, 2012
Keynes famously said "Practical men, who believe themselves to be quite exempt from any intellectual influence, are usually the slaves of some defunct economist" and in a similar way, many of us are probably unwitting inheritors of a behaviourist view of parenting that suggests we somehow *should* be punishing or rewarding behaviour at its face value.
Lawrence Cohen offers another perspective, based on personal and professional experience, and two simple and reasonably common-sense ideas. The first idea is attachment theory, which he explains with the metaphor of a cup - when a child's "attachment cup" is full (of attachment and connectedness to an attachment figure) then they have the confidence and security to explore their world and the people in it. The second idea is that children use play to model and test whatever's on their mind, especially roles and relationships.
So when a child says "you're a stinker", Cohen's response is to take it playfully not personally. He whispers "Don't tell anyone my secret name - only my closest friends call me Stinker" and the play begins.
The whole book is informed by his life as a father and his work as a play therapist, and I have found it to be immensely practical in reducing the stresses and conflicts caused by misunderstanding situations and communications. I'm currently re-reading the book after a year or so, and it's almost scary to recognise how many recent minor parenting triumphs had their roots in my first reading of the book.
Is there a down-side? Of course - sometimes it's hard to find the energy to play on the floor, or the time just to sit together on the sofa. But how much energy and time does it take to do things the other way, and with how much less laughter and pleasure?
Lawrence Cohen offers another perspective, based on personal and professional experience, and two simple and reasonably common-sense ideas. The first idea is attachment theory, which he explains with the metaphor of a cup - when a child's "attachment cup" is full (of attachment and connectedness to an attachment figure) then they have the confidence and security to explore their world and the people in it. The second idea is that children use play to model and test whatever's on their mind, especially roles and relationships.
So when a child says "you're a stinker", Cohen's response is to take it playfully not personally. He whispers "Don't tell anyone my secret name - only my closest friends call me Stinker" and the play begins.
The whole book is informed by his life as a father and his work as a play therapist, and I have found it to be immensely practical in reducing the stresses and conflicts caused by misunderstanding situations and communications. I'm currently re-reading the book after a year or so, and it's almost scary to recognise how many recent minor parenting triumphs had their roots in my first reading of the book.
Is there a down-side? Of course - sometimes it's hard to find the energy to play on the floor, or the time just to sit together on the sofa. But how much energy and time does it take to do things the other way, and with how much less laughter and pleasure?
March 3, 2011
I read this when my daughter was smaller, and found it to be a really helpful book. I have to admit that my child is quite an "easy" child, but I think part of that is due to the way I interact with her due to this book.
What made the biggest impression on me in this book is the idea that you can pick your battles, and you can also have fun with your child instead of escalating a battle of wills, especially with a child who can't really communicate his or her feelings effectively at this point. If your child doesn't want to brush her teeth, race her to the bathroom, and then, while you are brushing her teeth, explain to her while it's important. The resistance is lowered because she had fun.
I was raised by very old school parents who were strict disciplinarians, and I think there's a time and a place for that if certain things occur, but if you can have fun with your kid, teach a lesson, and get things done, there's nothing wrong with that.
What made the biggest impression on me in this book is the idea that you can pick your battles, and you can also have fun with your child instead of escalating a battle of wills, especially with a child who can't really communicate his or her feelings effectively at this point. If your child doesn't want to brush her teeth, race her to the bathroom, and then, while you are brushing her teeth, explain to her while it's important. The resistance is lowered because she had fun.
I was raised by very old school parents who were strict disciplinarians, and I think there's a time and a place for that if certain things occur, but if you can have fun with your kid, teach a lesson, and get things done, there's nothing wrong with that.
August 5, 2024
This book might be my favorite parenting book so far. As someone who struggles to show up as a playful parent, this book was incredibly helpful. Most of the parenting books I’ve read emphasize the importance of connection, but this book shared so many fun and easy ways to actually connect. It has been immediately applicable. I’ve found myself applying different ideas shared in this book and immediately seeing my children respond positively.
Children act out when they feel isolated and powerless and play / playfulness is one of the best ways to help them overcome those feelings.
Here are a few notes I made with different game ideas from the book.
Active Play Games
Red light green light
Mother may I
Water balloon football
Don’t take my socks off
Billy goat gruff (push me off the bridge)
Wrestling (get me down)
Don’t get to the couch
Tag /stinging bee
Missionary tag
Love attack (kiss them everywhere)
Love gun
Simon says
Freeze dance
Duck duck goose
Don’t let the ogre cross the room
Speed bump (try to roll over us laying on the ground)
Dead horse (they ride our back until the horse gets shot then they have to escape from under the horse)
Mechanical bull
Buried alive (pile as many toys and people on top of me)
Jump rope
Drill Sergeant (jumping jacks slow, fast, super fast etc OR sort blocks, sing loud etc)
Obstacle course
Hand games
Treasure hunt
Act through problem behaviors “Let’s play…getting dresssed, I want this toy but h won’t share etc” (what ever activity they’re struggling with impulse control)
Tiger freeze attack
Keepy uppy
Ninja
For behaviors you hate—be a commentary and make it into a game! (Oh wow my daughters are fighting, I’m going to take notes) be silly
Giggles
Don’t smile/laugh
Pretend to die
Shakespeare death
Exaggerate
Play dumb
Mirroring behaviors
Silly name calling
Silly threats > real threats “if you do that again, I’m going to have to sing Star Spangled Banner”
Connection games
Fortunately/unfortunately(take turns starting a sentence with each word)
Squiggle (one person draws a picture, the other person has to make a picture out of it)
Name that feeling (switch off making faces and naming the feeling)
Children act out when they feel isolated and powerless and play / playfulness is one of the best ways to help them overcome those feelings.
Here are a few notes I made with different game ideas from the book.
Active Play Games
Red light green light
Mother may I
Water balloon football
Don’t take my socks off
Billy goat gruff (push me off the bridge)
Wrestling (get me down)
Don’t get to the couch
Tag /stinging bee
Missionary tag
Love attack (kiss them everywhere)
Love gun
Simon says
Freeze dance
Duck duck goose
Don’t let the ogre cross the room
Speed bump (try to roll over us laying on the ground)
Dead horse (they ride our back until the horse gets shot then they have to escape from under the horse)
Mechanical bull
Buried alive (pile as many toys and people on top of me)
Jump rope
Drill Sergeant (jumping jacks slow, fast, super fast etc OR sort blocks, sing loud etc)
Obstacle course
Hand games
Treasure hunt
Act through problem behaviors “Let’s play…getting dresssed, I want this toy but h won’t share etc” (what ever activity they’re struggling with impulse control)
Tiger freeze attack
Keepy uppy
Ninja
For behaviors you hate—be a commentary and make it into a game! (Oh wow my daughters are fighting, I’m going to take notes) be silly
Giggles
Don’t smile/laugh
Pretend to die
Shakespeare death
Exaggerate
Play dumb
Mirroring behaviors
Silly name calling
Silly threats > real threats “if you do that again, I’m going to have to sing Star Spangled Banner”
Connection games
Fortunately/unfortunately(take turns starting a sentence with each word)
Squiggle (one person draws a picture, the other person has to make a picture out of it)
Name that feeling (switch off making faces and naming the feeling)
August 19, 2009
I LOVE this book. There are so many opportunities to engage with kids through play, to deal with challenging behaviors through play...I once had a boy in one of my classes, 2 1/2 years old, who was going through a lot of change in his life. He would literally come to class each week and begin screaming at the beginning and not stop until the end, scaring some of the other kids quite a bit. For a variety of reasons, Mom was not intervening (she was very, very pregnant and I think just exhausted), and it was at the point where I needed to do something myself or ask them to stop coming. I was reading this at the time, and was able to connect with him and calm him down by offering him the chance to "teach" me when he arrived early for class one week. It turned into an entirely child taught class, with each kiddo taking a turn leading a yoga pose, and he was just so delighted to feel in control. Following weeks were great, and he stayed engaged and connected. It's not always that simple, but I have found play to be such a powerful tool with my own child and the children in my classes, and I think Larry Cohen does a brilliant job of spelling out just how to do that.
January 8, 2011
Very interesting perspective on parenting! The message that has really stuck with me is the fact that if kids are acting up, all they may need is even a few minutes of our undivided attention to really reconnect, then they will be just fine. Taking those few minutes could save hours of struggling and grief. Plus, we need to have fun and connect with kids on their level once in a while! I've only been a parent for a year and a half and I already forget that often.
As far as the discipline section goes, it was refreshing to me. I have never really been a fan of time-outs, and I love the idea of doing "couch time" instead, where you "time out" together, talk about it, and reconnect. I've heard of the concept for spouses, so why not do it with the kids, too? My oldest is still a toddler so really talking it out together will still be hard, but it sounds like a great alternative to isolating him or spanking him, especially since he is still learning the boundaries and I want to be consistent but avoid being harsh.
As far as the discipline section goes, it was refreshing to me. I have never really been a fan of time-outs, and I love the idea of doing "couch time" instead, where you "time out" together, talk about it, and reconnect. I've heard of the concept for spouses, so why not do it with the kids, too? My oldest is still a toddler so really talking it out together will still be hard, but it sounds like a great alternative to isolating him or spanking him, especially since he is still learning the boundaries and I want to be consistent but avoid being harsh.
May 3, 2021
Good:
- Makes a strong case for using play to connect and reconnect with children.
- I regularly successfully use play to diffuse conflicts and change my girl's mood.
Bad:
- Repetitive beyond measure
- Oversimplifies by suggesting that play can always solve a problem.
- Makes a strong case for using play to connect and reconnect with children.
- I regularly successfully use play to diffuse conflicts and change my girl's mood.
Bad:
- Repetitive beyond measure
- Oversimplifies by suggesting that play can always solve a problem.
October 21, 2022
Büyük bir şevk ve zevkle, altını çizerek, notlar alarak okudum. Tekrar tekrar da okuyacağım. Ebeveyn olarak girdiğim bu uzun ve yorucu yolculukta kimi zaman sabrımı zorlayan, sinirlendiren, kafamı karıştıran pek çok deneyim yaşadım. Bu kitap bir hap değil elbette. Her sorunu çözmeyecek. Ancak bana büyük bir içgörü kazandırdı. Yapay ya da gerçekçi olmayan fikirler değil, gerçek çözümler teklif ediyor.
Ebeveyn olan herkese gönülden tavsiye ederim.
Ebeveyn olan herkese gönülden tavsiye ederim.
February 20, 2022
If you were to only ever read one parenting book, I would say read this one.
We know that playing is how children learn, grow, process, connect, and express themselves. This book helped me really understand just how deeply playing can affect them and help them in so many different ways. It teaches that we need to join them in their world of play and it gives many examples of how to do that. I love how much it focuses on connection. It makes sense that a lot of behavioral problems stem from a lack of connection. Also, a lot of experts will say time-outs aren't effective and you shouldn't do them, but don't say what to do instead. This book has a simple alternative based on connection that I really like.
Another thing I liked was how it talks about counteracting the effects of society's gender roles. That we should focus on empowering girls and connecting with boys, because those things are often missed for each gender respectively.
I'm so glad I read this. It made me realize I need my kids to see me laugh more, play more, and connect more.
We know that playing is how children learn, grow, process, connect, and express themselves. This book helped me really understand just how deeply playing can affect them and help them in so many different ways. It teaches that we need to join them in their world of play and it gives many examples of how to do that. I love how much it focuses on connection. It makes sense that a lot of behavioral problems stem from a lack of connection. Also, a lot of experts will say time-outs aren't effective and you shouldn't do them, but don't say what to do instead. This book has a simple alternative based on connection that I really like.
Another thing I liked was how it talks about counteracting the effects of society's gender roles. That we should focus on empowering girls and connecting with boys, because those things are often missed for each gender respectively.
I'm so glad I read this. It made me realize I need my kids to see me laugh more, play more, and connect more.
July 19, 2010
I've only read about half of this book, then had to return it to the library. But that was enough to inspire me to have a more playful approach to my daughter in everyday situations, and it is really working! She is 1 1/2, and she is getting to be a handful. This book also helped me with interactions with random kids I encounter at the park and everywhere else. Now I have some tools and ideas to change the tone of any situation, and change tears to laughter. It takes some work, but it is so worth it.
I will either borrow this book again to try to finish it, or maybe buy it in the future. It's a good one!
I will either borrow this book again to try to finish it, or maybe buy it in the future. It's a good one!
April 14, 2012
SOOOOOO GOOD. For the budding play therapist and future parent, this book is amazing. Detailed with real life examples and a transformative approach to "problem" behaviors. I found Cohen to be a smart narrator helping to make parenting humane and call attention to the common misnomer that to follow a child's lead or have fun will make a child more likely to misbehave or not prepare the child for the real world. He is heavily influenced by Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand Parenting, whose work I love. It takes a brave and open-minded shift in orientation to reframe tantrums as healthy and look for the needs behind the behavior, namely the overarching need for connection and reconnection.
May 15, 2014
Blech. Sounds like a great parenting book but it wasn't. I was so bored that I didn't even bother to finish the darn thing.
Here's what's wrong with it:
-no sound strategies to apply with your kids
-moves endlessly from platitude to anecdote
-the author sings his own praises just way too much. If he's not bragging about himself as a parent, then it's all about his prowess as a psychiatrist
-or bragging endlessly about his daughter.
Honestly, there is an outlet for that. It's called a blog. Except they're more fun to read than this.
Here's what's wrong with it:
-no sound strategies to apply with your kids
-moves endlessly from platitude to anecdote
-the author sings his own praises just way too much. If he's not bragging about himself as a parent, then it's all about his prowess as a psychiatrist
-or bragging endlessly about his daughter.
Honestly, there is an outlet for that. It's called a blog. Except they're more fun to read than this.
February 26, 2021
Geniala! In functie de cat de multe notite mi-am luat, asa imi dau seama cat de valoroasa este o carte. Cartea asta este de capatai in parenting. Stim ca cel mai bun mod de a creste, de a ne vindeca si de a petrece timpul este prin joc. Sa ne jucam impreuna!
“
Ne plangem de durata scurta a atentiei copiilor, dar noi cat putem sa ne jucam cu bile, cu papusi Barbie, Monopoly sau jocuri imaginative inainte de a ne plictisi si de a fi distrasi sau de a ne invinge senzatia ca munca sau pregatirea cinei e mai importanta?
Cu cat animalul e mai inteligent, cu atat se joaca mai mult.
Jocul este ceea ce faci cu prietenii tai. Jocul e unul dintre cele mai potrivite moduri de a interactiona cu copiii, scotandu-i din blocajul afectiv sau din purtarea obraznica si atragandu-i pe un teren al aproprierii si al increderii in sine.
Copiilor le este benefic timpul petrecut departe de adulti si au nevoie de el, nu trebuie sa ne mutam cu totul in lumea lor.
Cand se afla langa straini, copiii cu atasament sigur isi pun la pastrare sentimentele neplacute pentru momentul reuniunii cu persoana de atasament primar.
Atentia neplacuta e mai buna decat lipsa totala a atentiei.
Copiii conteaza pe noi ca sa le reumplem paharul si se simt indurerati si tradati cand, in loc de asta, li-l rasturnam.
Cel mai important lucru pe care li-l putem oferi copiilor nostri e abilitatea noastra de a-i face sa se simta iubiti, respectati, doriti si bine-veniti. O reumplere autentica se poate produce numai intre oameni, nu intre copil si televizor sau computer oricat de interactiv ar fi.
Oglindirea, dezmierdarile, vorbitul cu bebelusii si cantatul pentru ei, prezentarea lumii in portii mici, pe masura lor - acestea sunt prototipurile jocului, precursoare tuturor momentelor placute pe care le vor avea impreuna copiii si parintii.
Atitudinea critica este un obicei prost, de care ne dezbaram cu greu.
Rasul impartasit inseamna un progres mare fata de o predica moralizatoare ce ajunge la urechi surde. Rasul ii apropie automat pe oameni.
Foarte putini parinti isi dau seama cat de sanatos e pentru copii sa aiba ocazia, dupa un episod distractiv, de a varsa o parte din lacrimile retinute si acumulate. Facem greseala de a ne agita in jurul copilului sau de a striga la el, fiindca plansul sau rabufnirea par sa nu aiba motiv. Ramaneti langa copil in timp ce isi descarca aceste sentimente. Foloseste cucuiul ca prilez de a descarca sentimente vechi, aflata la pastrare.
Un copil invata cel mai bine cand este fericit.
Copiii se lupta si se harjonesc pentru a-si testa forta fizica, pentru amuzament si ca modalitate de a-si controla agresivitatea.
Jocul fizic este extrem de important in dezvoltarea copiilor.
Luati o situatie cu care copilul are dificultati, etichetati-o drept joc si lasati-l sa exerseze obtinerea controlului asupra impulsurilor proprii, in maniere care nu ii va aduce pedepse sau umilinta.
- imitare, cucu-bau
- Cap de caca(porecle), stop/hai
- Sa nu razi, sa nu te gandesti la un elefant
- Controlul agresivitatii prin temporarizare (mai incet, mai tare)
- Schimb de roluri in infruntarea fricilor; jocul imaginativ
“Ai voie sa ma faci proasta, dar nu ai voie sa ma faci snitel vienez” 😂
Trecerea la jocul imaginativ este unul dintre cele mai importante salturi pe care le va face copilul vostru. Ori de cate ori un copil se lupta cu o traire afectiva sau cu o idee confuza, e util sa atribuiti unui personaj imaginar rolul respectiv.
Copiii care vor sa joace aceste jocuri(cu agresivitate, eroi si raufacatori) au nevoie sa le joace, iar daca nu li se ingaduie, o vor face oricum pe ascuns. E mult mai bine sa va alaturati lor si sa le jucati cu ei, lucru care va permite sa ajustati putin jocul, daca devine prea violent sau scapa de sub control.
!!! Jocurile derivate din filme de cinema sau de televiziune tin jocul blocat la acel scenariu. Majoritatea jucariilor sunt porcarii - pot sa faca un singur lucra la nesfarsit. Jucariile grozave, la fel ca jocul de rol bun, le ingaduie copiilor sa ia lumea in stapanire si le permit exprimarea deplina a creativitatii lor.
Combateti violenta din jocurile video, jucandu-va cu ei. Lasa-ti sa va impuste si sa va trateze apoi!
Pot deseori sa spun, dupa felul cum se joaca niste copii, cat de mult se uita la televizor si ce tipuri de programe au voie sa vada.
Copiii sunt programati sa vada o reclama si sa spuna: ‘Vreau si eu jucaria asta!’
Vizionati emisiuni si filme impreuna si opriti-va sa discutati ceea ce vedeti.
Folosind miliarde de dolari pentru marketing lumii scriu un singur scenariu: cel al consumatorului.
Unii copii aproape ca nu stiu sa se joace daca nu au la ei o jucarie.
De parca prapastia din generatii n-ar fi oricum greu de trecut , acum avem reclame concepute sa le dea adultilor impresia ca nu-i vor intelege niciodata pe tineri. Scoateti aparatura electronica din priza si jucati-va!
Parentajul este procesul prin care le daruim copiilor nostri si radacini, si aripi.
Asezati-va pe podea si jucati-va cu copiii. Indiferent ce jocuri jucam cu ei, putem face un efort in plus de a stimula legatura cu baietii si de a intari puterea fetelor, atfel incat tuturor copiilor sa le poate creste radacini si aripi.
Cand nu reusesc sa obtina reumplerea consecventa a paharului lor, devin impulsuvi si neatenti.
Singurul lucru pe care stiu sa il faca baietii cand simt frustrare e sa devina agresivi.
Impartasirea e cea care ne ajuta sa ne descarcam suferinta.
Cum sa ne lasam calauziti de copil: Spuneti pur si simplu Da, faceti orice vrea copilul sa faca, ingrijiti-va de siguranta, alocati timp de joaca, acordati-va timp pentru a va reveni.
Jocul e modalitateq copiilor de a ne povesti despre viata lor. Jucand ceea ce vor ei, asa cum vor ei ii ascultam cu adevarat. Jocul e modul lui de a vorbi si a gandi.
Timp de joaca, o ora sau doua, in care faceti ce vrea copilul. Adultul ii ofera copilului intreaga atentie, fara intreruperi si cu concentrare clara asupra conexiunii, implicarii si interactiunii.
E timpul tau special. Ce vrei sa faci?
Introduceti in joc teme importante.
Pune papusile si animalele de plus ale copilului sa interpreteze respingerea si excluderea din grup.(terapie prin joaca, in contextul gradinitei)
Rasetele chiar il ajuta pe copil sa se gandeasca mai bine la subiect.
Am luat actiunea dorita de el - sa ma pocneasca peste cap cu perna - si, in loc sa o declar impotriva regulilor, am transformat-o in cerinta (ai voie sa ma pocnesti peste cap, dar trebuie sa stai intr-un picior si sa canti) Aceasta mica intorsatura ii ajuta pe copii sa-si dezvolte deprinderile de cooperare.
Orice om simte agresivitate, asa cum simtim cu totii multe alte tipuri de impulsuri.Cheia consta in a le regla. Am luat agresiunea si l-am invitat sa o faca si am modificat-o putin.
A-i detesta jocul preferat inseamna o invalidare pentru el si o povara pentru noi.
Multi adulti spun ca plansul face rau. Cred ca motivul este faptul ca o parte din noi se lupta permanent sa nu dea drumul lacrimilor. Cei mai multi dintre noi consumam o mare cantitate de energie psihica retinandu-ne emotiile si incercand sa-i determinam pe copii sa faca acelasi lucru.
O emotie intensa, prea puternica pentru a fi retinuta, poate duce la un potop de alte emotii care asteptau doar prilejul de a iesi la iveala.
Povestirea incidentului intareste relatia din voi si copil.
Ce credeti ca incearca sa exprime copilul prin crize de nervi? Frustrare
Daca parintii pot ramane disponibili afectivi, chiar daca sunt fermi pe pozitia unui refuz, crizele de mervi ii pot invata totodata pe copil ca nu va fi lasat singur in noapte intunecata a sufletului.
Trebuie sa ii ajutam pe copii sa-si dezvolte curajul, nu infricarea, increderea in sine, nu duritatea. Gazela care continua sa doarma linistita cand restul cirezii o ia la fuga va fi mancata de leu.
Trebuie sa te imboldesti sa faci lucruri de care te temi; altfel nu vei incerca niciodata lucruri noi.
Exprimarea artistica este una dintre cele mai bune modalitati de descarcare a anxietatii sau a fricii, fie ca se face prin cantat, dans, desen, scris.(Hai sa ne prefacem ca mergem la dentist)
Lacrimile sunt bune. Bebelusi plang pur si simplu ca sa se exprime sau sa-si descarce frustrarile si tensiunile acumulate, prilejuite de intensitatea experientelor lor cu care se confrunta. Va rog, nu-i trimiteti sa planga singuri. Copiii folosesc pretexte pentru a plange.
Ii putem ajuta in competenta emotionala intrebandu-i ce simt, ce cred ca ar simti alti oameni sau ce emotii au papusile. “Arata-mi cu papusile astea doua ce s-a intamplat si ce ai simtit”
Fiindca suntem suparati, cautam cearta sau jignim pe cineva; acea persoana se supara, iar noi ne simtim mai bine ca prin farmec. Daca nu ai resursele necesare pentru a face fata unui sentiment, ar fi mai bine sa il elimini, pasandu-l altcuiva, ca pe un cartof fierbinte.
Apropierea, atitudinea jucausa si intelegerea afectiva au sanse mai mari de succes decat pedeapsa, modificarea comportamentului si permisivitatea excesiva.
CALMATI-VA! (Numarati pana la 10, luati o pauza) Umilirea, insultele, sarcasmul si amenitarile pot lasa cicatrici emotionale care persista mult mai mult decat vanataile.
Restabilirea conexiuni necesita o imbratisare, un timp tihnit impreuna, lupte, alergatura pe afara, o gustare sau o conversatie. (Intalnirea pe canapea)
Daca mai faci asa ceva, va trebui sa cant imnul national.
In graba de a-i pedepsi pe copii uitam ca esenta disciplinei consta in a-i invata.
Copiii devin adulti atenti cu altii, grijuli, cinstiti si buni datorita dragostei si afectiunii, datorita normelor morale inalte si datorita relatiei stranse cu o persoana care intruchipeaza acele valori.
Comportamenul dezorganizat este partial urmarea faptului ca nu au avut suficienta alinare de acest tip sau o viata suficient de structurata in perioada de sugar si pana la doi, trei ani.
Exprima-te prin cuvinte!
Intreruperea unui comportament distructiv nu e o pedeapsa, ci o limita. Limitele ii ajuta pe copii sa se controleze, sa-si exprime sentimentele si sa se gandeasca la ceea ce fac. Realizeaza contact vizual, vorbiti pe un ton bland, imobilizati copilul cat mai bland cu putinta, faceti o pauza daca v-ati incins.
Un copil nu face fata prezentei televizorului in camera lui, nu-si face temele daca are acces la telefon, nu poate controla timpul pe care il petrece online. Punerea limitelor se numeste parentaj.
Adevarata sursa a razgaielii consta in a le ceda copiilor, desi judecata ne spune ca nu e bine.
Trasati limite, apoi ascultati revarsarea sentimentelor neplacute ale copilului.
Toti copii au nevoie sa auda refuzuri iubitoare si blande, nu doar manioase ori explozive. Trebuie sa ne pastram refuzurile pentru situatiile in care vorbim serios si atunci sa le punem in aplicare. (Il oprim daca loveste, stam langa el sa isi termine tema). Nu inseamna niciodata ca, dupa ce ii spunem ce sa faca, plecam si nu ma mai bagam in seama daca s-a conformat sau nu.
Oamenii isi doresc doar apropiere , indiferent pe ce cai nebunesti sau stupide ar putea sa arate acest lucru.
Intre frati
—————-
Copiii au nevoie de unele conflicte.
Stai deoparte, dar cu ochii deschisi. Interveniti, dar cu delicatete, nu cu ciomagul.
“Sunt aici daca aveti nevoie de mine.”
Iau jucaria, motivul certei, si fug 😂
Daca nu gasiti o cale de a imparti sucul, va trebui sa mi-l torn in cap.
Hai sa gasim o solutie sa nu ne mai certam.
Scaldati-i pe copii in dragoste si afectiune. Povestiti conflictul si cautati castig de ambele parti. (Tu ce vrei? Tu ce vrei?)
In lumea reala, pentru ca o relatie de orice fel sa functioneze, ea trebuie cultivata. Adoptati o atitudine jucausa!
Faceti contact vizual! Oferiti dezmerdari. Impacati-va intotdeauna dupa o cearta. Oferiti iertare fara sa vi se ceara. Cereti-va scuze cand ati gresit. Ca modalitate de a rezolva un conflict, oferiti o imbratisare in locul unei pedepse obisnuite. Cand relatia voastra trece printr-o perioada dificila, petreceti mai mult timp impreuna, nu mai putin.
“Suntem aici, pe Pamant, ca sa pierdem vremea prostindu-ne. Nu ascultati pe nimeni daca va spune altceva!” Kurt Vonnegut
“
Ne plangem de durata scurta a atentiei copiilor, dar noi cat putem sa ne jucam cu bile, cu papusi Barbie, Monopoly sau jocuri imaginative inainte de a ne plictisi si de a fi distrasi sau de a ne invinge senzatia ca munca sau pregatirea cinei e mai importanta?
Cu cat animalul e mai inteligent, cu atat se joaca mai mult.
Jocul este ceea ce faci cu prietenii tai. Jocul e unul dintre cele mai potrivite moduri de a interactiona cu copiii, scotandu-i din blocajul afectiv sau din purtarea obraznica si atragandu-i pe un teren al aproprierii si al increderii in sine.
Copiilor le este benefic timpul petrecut departe de adulti si au nevoie de el, nu trebuie sa ne mutam cu totul in lumea lor.
Cand se afla langa straini, copiii cu atasament sigur isi pun la pastrare sentimentele neplacute pentru momentul reuniunii cu persoana de atasament primar.
Atentia neplacuta e mai buna decat lipsa totala a atentiei.
Copiii conteaza pe noi ca sa le reumplem paharul si se simt indurerati si tradati cand, in loc de asta, li-l rasturnam.
Cel mai important lucru pe care li-l putem oferi copiilor nostri e abilitatea noastra de a-i face sa se simta iubiti, respectati, doriti si bine-veniti. O reumplere autentica se poate produce numai intre oameni, nu intre copil si televizor sau computer oricat de interactiv ar fi.
Oglindirea, dezmierdarile, vorbitul cu bebelusii si cantatul pentru ei, prezentarea lumii in portii mici, pe masura lor - acestea sunt prototipurile jocului, precursoare tuturor momentelor placute pe care le vor avea impreuna copiii si parintii.
Atitudinea critica este un obicei prost, de care ne dezbaram cu greu.
Rasul impartasit inseamna un progres mare fata de o predica moralizatoare ce ajunge la urechi surde. Rasul ii apropie automat pe oameni.
Foarte putini parinti isi dau seama cat de sanatos e pentru copii sa aiba ocazia, dupa un episod distractiv, de a varsa o parte din lacrimile retinute si acumulate. Facem greseala de a ne agita in jurul copilului sau de a striga la el, fiindca plansul sau rabufnirea par sa nu aiba motiv. Ramaneti langa copil in timp ce isi descarca aceste sentimente. Foloseste cucuiul ca prilez de a descarca sentimente vechi, aflata la pastrare.
Un copil invata cel mai bine cand este fericit.
Copiii se lupta si se harjonesc pentru a-si testa forta fizica, pentru amuzament si ca modalitate de a-si controla agresivitatea.
Jocul fizic este extrem de important in dezvoltarea copiilor.
Luati o situatie cu care copilul are dificultati, etichetati-o drept joc si lasati-l sa exerseze obtinerea controlului asupra impulsurilor proprii, in maniere care nu ii va aduce pedepse sau umilinta.
- imitare, cucu-bau
- Cap de caca(porecle), stop/hai
- Sa nu razi, sa nu te gandesti la un elefant
- Controlul agresivitatii prin temporarizare (mai incet, mai tare)
- Schimb de roluri in infruntarea fricilor; jocul imaginativ
“Ai voie sa ma faci proasta, dar nu ai voie sa ma faci snitel vienez” 😂
Trecerea la jocul imaginativ este unul dintre cele mai importante salturi pe care le va face copilul vostru. Ori de cate ori un copil se lupta cu o traire afectiva sau cu o idee confuza, e util sa atribuiti unui personaj imaginar rolul respectiv.
Copiii care vor sa joace aceste jocuri(cu agresivitate, eroi si raufacatori) au nevoie sa le joace, iar daca nu li se ingaduie, o vor face oricum pe ascuns. E mult mai bine sa va alaturati lor si sa le jucati cu ei, lucru care va permite sa ajustati putin jocul, daca devine prea violent sau scapa de sub control.
!!! Jocurile derivate din filme de cinema sau de televiziune tin jocul blocat la acel scenariu. Majoritatea jucariilor sunt porcarii - pot sa faca un singur lucra la nesfarsit. Jucariile grozave, la fel ca jocul de rol bun, le ingaduie copiilor sa ia lumea in stapanire si le permit exprimarea deplina a creativitatii lor.
Combateti violenta din jocurile video, jucandu-va cu ei. Lasa-ti sa va impuste si sa va trateze apoi!
Pot deseori sa spun, dupa felul cum se joaca niste copii, cat de mult se uita la televizor si ce tipuri de programe au voie sa vada.
Copiii sunt programati sa vada o reclama si sa spuna: ‘Vreau si eu jucaria asta!’
Vizionati emisiuni si filme impreuna si opriti-va sa discutati ceea ce vedeti.
Folosind miliarde de dolari pentru marketing lumii scriu un singur scenariu: cel al consumatorului.
Unii copii aproape ca nu stiu sa se joace daca nu au la ei o jucarie.
De parca prapastia din generatii n-ar fi oricum greu de trecut , acum avem reclame concepute sa le dea adultilor impresia ca nu-i vor intelege niciodata pe tineri. Scoateti aparatura electronica din priza si jucati-va!
Parentajul este procesul prin care le daruim copiilor nostri si radacini, si aripi.
Asezati-va pe podea si jucati-va cu copiii. Indiferent ce jocuri jucam cu ei, putem face un efort in plus de a stimula legatura cu baietii si de a intari puterea fetelor, atfel incat tuturor copiilor sa le poate creste radacini si aripi.
Cand nu reusesc sa obtina reumplerea consecventa a paharului lor, devin impulsuvi si neatenti.
Singurul lucru pe care stiu sa il faca baietii cand simt frustrare e sa devina agresivi.
Impartasirea e cea care ne ajuta sa ne descarcam suferinta.
Cum sa ne lasam calauziti de copil: Spuneti pur si simplu Da, faceti orice vrea copilul sa faca, ingrijiti-va de siguranta, alocati timp de joaca, acordati-va timp pentru a va reveni.
Jocul e modalitateq copiilor de a ne povesti despre viata lor. Jucand ceea ce vor ei, asa cum vor ei ii ascultam cu adevarat. Jocul e modul lui de a vorbi si a gandi.
Timp de joaca, o ora sau doua, in care faceti ce vrea copilul. Adultul ii ofera copilului intreaga atentie, fara intreruperi si cu concentrare clara asupra conexiunii, implicarii si interactiunii.
E timpul tau special. Ce vrei sa faci?
Introduceti in joc teme importante.
Pune papusile si animalele de plus ale copilului sa interpreteze respingerea si excluderea din grup.(terapie prin joaca, in contextul gradinitei)
Rasetele chiar il ajuta pe copil sa se gandeasca mai bine la subiect.
Am luat actiunea dorita de el - sa ma pocneasca peste cap cu perna - si, in loc sa o declar impotriva regulilor, am transformat-o in cerinta (ai voie sa ma pocnesti peste cap, dar trebuie sa stai intr-un picior si sa canti) Aceasta mica intorsatura ii ajuta pe copii sa-si dezvolte deprinderile de cooperare.
Orice om simte agresivitate, asa cum simtim cu totii multe alte tipuri de impulsuri.Cheia consta in a le regla. Am luat agresiunea si l-am invitat sa o faca si am modificat-o putin.
A-i detesta jocul preferat inseamna o invalidare pentru el si o povara pentru noi.
Multi adulti spun ca plansul face rau. Cred ca motivul este faptul ca o parte din noi se lupta permanent sa nu dea drumul lacrimilor. Cei mai multi dintre noi consumam o mare cantitate de energie psihica retinandu-ne emotiile si incercand sa-i determinam pe copii sa faca acelasi lucru.
O emotie intensa, prea puternica pentru a fi retinuta, poate duce la un potop de alte emotii care asteptau doar prilejul de a iesi la iveala.
Povestirea incidentului intareste relatia din voi si copil.
Ce credeti ca incearca sa exprime copilul prin crize de nervi? Frustrare
Daca parintii pot ramane disponibili afectivi, chiar daca sunt fermi pe pozitia unui refuz, crizele de mervi ii pot invata totodata pe copil ca nu va fi lasat singur in noapte intunecata a sufletului.
Trebuie sa ii ajutam pe copii sa-si dezvolte curajul, nu infricarea, increderea in sine, nu duritatea. Gazela care continua sa doarma linistita cand restul cirezii o ia la fuga va fi mancata de leu.
Trebuie sa te imboldesti sa faci lucruri de care te temi; altfel nu vei incerca niciodata lucruri noi.
Exprimarea artistica este una dintre cele mai bune modalitati de descarcare a anxietatii sau a fricii, fie ca se face prin cantat, dans, desen, scris.(Hai sa ne prefacem ca mergem la dentist)
Lacrimile sunt bune. Bebelusi plang pur si simplu ca sa se exprime sau sa-si descarce frustrarile si tensiunile acumulate, prilejuite de intensitatea experientelor lor cu care se confrunta. Va rog, nu-i trimiteti sa planga singuri. Copiii folosesc pretexte pentru a plange.
Ii putem ajuta in competenta emotionala intrebandu-i ce simt, ce cred ca ar simti alti oameni sau ce emotii au papusile. “Arata-mi cu papusile astea doua ce s-a intamplat si ce ai simtit”
Fiindca suntem suparati, cautam cearta sau jignim pe cineva; acea persoana se supara, iar noi ne simtim mai bine ca prin farmec. Daca nu ai resursele necesare pentru a face fata unui sentiment, ar fi mai bine sa il elimini, pasandu-l altcuiva, ca pe un cartof fierbinte.
Apropierea, atitudinea jucausa si intelegerea afectiva au sanse mai mari de succes decat pedeapsa, modificarea comportamentului si permisivitatea excesiva.
CALMATI-VA! (Numarati pana la 10, luati o pauza) Umilirea, insultele, sarcasmul si amenitarile pot lasa cicatrici emotionale care persista mult mai mult decat vanataile.
Restabilirea conexiuni necesita o imbratisare, un timp tihnit impreuna, lupte, alergatura pe afara, o gustare sau o conversatie. (Intalnirea pe canapea)
Daca mai faci asa ceva, va trebui sa cant imnul national.
In graba de a-i pedepsi pe copii uitam ca esenta disciplinei consta in a-i invata.
Copiii devin adulti atenti cu altii, grijuli, cinstiti si buni datorita dragostei si afectiunii, datorita normelor morale inalte si datorita relatiei stranse cu o persoana care intruchipeaza acele valori.
Comportamenul dezorganizat este partial urmarea faptului ca nu au avut suficienta alinare de acest tip sau o viata suficient de structurata in perioada de sugar si pana la doi, trei ani.
Exprima-te prin cuvinte!
Intreruperea unui comportament distructiv nu e o pedeapsa, ci o limita. Limitele ii ajuta pe copii sa se controleze, sa-si exprime sentimentele si sa se gandeasca la ceea ce fac. Realizeaza contact vizual, vorbiti pe un ton bland, imobilizati copilul cat mai bland cu putinta, faceti o pauza daca v-ati incins.
Un copil nu face fata prezentei televizorului in camera lui, nu-si face temele daca are acces la telefon, nu poate controla timpul pe care il petrece online. Punerea limitelor se numeste parentaj.
Adevarata sursa a razgaielii consta in a le ceda copiilor, desi judecata ne spune ca nu e bine.
Trasati limite, apoi ascultati revarsarea sentimentelor neplacute ale copilului.
Toti copii au nevoie sa auda refuzuri iubitoare si blande, nu doar manioase ori explozive. Trebuie sa ne pastram refuzurile pentru situatiile in care vorbim serios si atunci sa le punem in aplicare. (Il oprim daca loveste, stam langa el sa isi termine tema). Nu inseamna niciodata ca, dupa ce ii spunem ce sa faca, plecam si nu ma mai bagam in seama daca s-a conformat sau nu.
Oamenii isi doresc doar apropiere , indiferent pe ce cai nebunesti sau stupide ar putea sa arate acest lucru.
Intre frati
—————-
Copiii au nevoie de unele conflicte.
Stai deoparte, dar cu ochii deschisi. Interveniti, dar cu delicatete, nu cu ciomagul.
“Sunt aici daca aveti nevoie de mine.”
Iau jucaria, motivul certei, si fug 😂
Daca nu gasiti o cale de a imparti sucul, va trebui sa mi-l torn in cap.
Hai sa gasim o solutie sa nu ne mai certam.
Scaldati-i pe copii in dragoste si afectiune. Povestiti conflictul si cautati castig de ambele parti. (Tu ce vrei? Tu ce vrei?)
In lumea reala, pentru ca o relatie de orice fel sa functioneze, ea trebuie cultivata. Adoptati o atitudine jucausa!
Faceti contact vizual! Oferiti dezmerdari. Impacati-va intotdeauna dupa o cearta. Oferiti iertare fara sa vi se ceara. Cereti-va scuze cand ati gresit. Ca modalitate de a rezolva un conflict, oferiti o imbratisare in locul unei pedepse obisnuite. Cand relatia voastra trece printr-o perioada dificila, petreceti mai mult timp impreuna, nu mai putin.
“Suntem aici, pe Pamant, ca sa pierdem vremea prostindu-ne. Nu ascultati pe nimeni daca va spune altceva!” Kurt Vonnegut
June 19, 2016
Sunt mereu sceptică când încep o carte despre parenting! Toate se laudă a fi cea mai bună, indicându-ți reguli și idei perfecte pe care trebuie doar să le aplici și gata: ai copilul, relația și viața perfectă. Iar dacă ceva nu merge conform 'planului' este desigur vina părintelui care nu respectă rețeta. Puține cărți recunosc că "incredientele" nu sunt aceleași, nici măcar roșiile nu au toate același gust, cu atât mai mult copiii!
Totuși, această carte este una dintre cele mai reușite de până acum. Descrie frumos parentingul prin joc și importanța jocului. Are multe idei de jocuri, exemplificări și puneri în practică. O altă parte pe care am apreciat-o este accentul pus pe implicarea în mod echitabil a ambilor părinți în toate tipurile de joc (Si mama poate sa se joace de-a războiul la fel cum tata poate să mânuiască păpușile). Mi-a placut și discuția despre diferențele dintre sexe la copii și impactul în joc. Per total e una din cărțile din care am învățat și reținut mai mult de o idee pentru viitor.
De ce atunci doar 4*? Pentru ca are momente repetitive cărora nu le văd rostul decât în a face cartea mai groasă, iar unele idei imi par cam intruzive: eu personal consider ciudat să abordezi necunoscuți cu copii, chiar dacă scopul este unul nobil, de a ajuta...poate în altă țară/cultură.
O carte care merită citită de fiecare părinte.
Totuși, această carte este una dintre cele mai reușite de până acum. Descrie frumos parentingul prin joc și importanța jocului. Are multe idei de jocuri, exemplificări și puneri în practică. O altă parte pe care am apreciat-o este accentul pus pe implicarea în mod echitabil a ambilor părinți în toate tipurile de joc (Si mama poate sa se joace de-a războiul la fel cum tata poate să mânuiască păpușile). Mi-a placut și discuția despre diferențele dintre sexe la copii și impactul în joc. Per total e una din cărțile din care am învățat și reținut mai mult de o idee pentru viitor.
De ce atunci doar 4*? Pentru ca are momente repetitive cărora nu le văd rostul decât în a face cartea mai groasă, iar unele idei imi par cam intruzive: eu personal consider ciudat să abordezi necunoscuți cu copii, chiar dacă scopul este unul nobil, de a ajuta...poate în altă țară/cultură.
O carte care merită citită de fiecare părinte.
August 5, 2014
Let's just get this out of the way: No, I'm not pregnant! Nor do I have children. Nonetheless, every once in a while I see a parenting book recommended in an article that intrigues me, and so I read it. I find them very insightful for dealing with people in general, as adults are all just basically large children... At work I like to joke that I read these books to help me deal with clients. ;)
So far this book is amazingly insightful. It explains how children can work through all of their emotional issues via play, especially issues of isolation and powerlessness. It really gives me a better perspective on emotional outbursts and why children/people sometimes push away the others that they want to connect with the most ("I want you to love me no matter how nasty I'm acting!"), and has given me lots of ideas on how I can handle conflict and my own negative emotions better simply through jokes and smiles and having the right attitude (often exaggerating one's negative emotions in a jokey way is enough to get your point across without turning it into a fight). A short, quick read with lots of heartwarming examples of how he connected with children via play therapy and helped them work out their issues.
A must read for parents!
So far this book is amazingly insightful. It explains how children can work through all of their emotional issues via play, especially issues of isolation and powerlessness. It really gives me a better perspective on emotional outbursts and why children/people sometimes push away the others that they want to connect with the most ("I want you to love me no matter how nasty I'm acting!"), and has given me lots of ideas on how I can handle conflict and my own negative emotions better simply through jokes and smiles and having the right attitude (often exaggerating one's negative emotions in a jokey way is enough to get your point across without turning it into a fight). A short, quick read with lots of heartwarming examples of how he connected with children via play therapy and helped them work out their issues.
A must read for parents!
December 6, 2021
This was a very useful book at a time when my kid went from 2 to 4 years (I took my time to read it), and it's still going to be useful beyond this time. I have to remind myself to be more playful at times, but knowing that in the past it got us through some tough situations, and that it helped with a lot of things that he didn't like (like using nasal drops or other uncomfortable stuff like that), helps me a lot.
February 14, 2013
Loved this book! So why not 5 stars? Because it does not have a quick-pick selection of games or ideas to initiate play or suggestions for certain types of situations. I feel like I would need to keep rereading the book and make my own list. (That's fine of course, but the book would be greatly enhanced if that were done for the reader.) This book should be read by all parents!
May 8, 2018
This is my favorite parenting book yet. This is exactly how I want to parent- I love that he focuses on the fun of parenting and why playing is so important. Loved it!
May 27, 2024
I am all for playful parenting. I know from experience it works wonders and we all benefit from more of it. I do not deny there were good ideas in the book.
But I was annoyed by the repetitions, by the reduction of human behavior and motives to things that can be explained by observing primates, by tired over-explications & over-reactions that lack the spark of common sense, by reducing the complexity of raising children to a set of pretend games of reverse psychology or adults playing dumbs. One example would have sufficed. But hundred variations on the same theme?
But I was annoyed by the repetitions, by the reduction of human behavior and motives to things that can be explained by observing primates, by tired over-explications & over-reactions that lack the spark of common sense, by reducing the complexity of raising children to a set of pretend games of reverse psychology or adults playing dumbs. One example would have sufficed. But hundred variations on the same theme?
July 29, 2025
Every parent should read!
October 24, 2021
Ако можех бих дала милион звезди на тази книга! Must read за всеки родител! Преди нея не знаех що е то игрова терапия или подход, случайно попаднах на родител, препоръчващ я в група за четене и ако помнех, кой точно бе този човек, бих благодарила безкрайно.
Пълна е с практични съвети и примерни ситуации. Ако сте човек, който иска да възпитава по позитивен начин, не вярвате, че шамарите, боят и виковете възпитават, то тази книга е за вас! Ако вярвате в обратното, то тя е на 100% задължително четиво за вас!
Тази книга ще промени начина по който гледате на "лошите", "непослушни" и "разглезени" деца, но ще помогне и да надникнете в себе си и откриете причина за реакциите си. В забързания живот на един родител, винаги трябва да има време за игра с децата, за се свързват, за да възстановяват изгубена връзка, за да разрешават заедно проблеми, притеснения. За емоционално здрави деца, трябва емоционално здрави родители и възпитатели.
Пълна е с практични съвети и примерни ситуации. Ако сте човек, който иска да възпитава по позитивен начин, не вярвате, че шамарите, боят и виковете възпитават, то тази книга е за вас! Ако вярвате в обратното, то тя е на 100% задължително четиво за вас!
Тази книга ще промени начина по който гледате на "лошите", "непослушни" и "разглезени" деца, но ще помогне и да надникнете в себе си и откриете причина за реакциите си. В забързания живот на един родител, винаги трябва да има време за игра с децата, за се свързват, за да възстановяват изгубена връзка, за да разрешават заедно проблеми, притеснения. За емоционално здрави деца, трябва емоционално здрави родители и възпитатели.
August 31, 2013
I really wanted to like this book, but halfway I started feeling resentful. I really felt like a boring parent not just that I felt like he didn't give actual ideas. Yeah get on the floor! Well, I could, but now I'm pregnant so it made me feel like I wasn't playing enough with her. Some samples he gave, I really thought the kid was being a brat and that playful parenting was not teaching a consequence. I started looking into other parenting books and I found Love and Logic. I feel that's something I can practice with my DD and it still encourages play time with your kid. I spend time with my daughter, but I don't see how playing ALL the time will teach her responsibility.
It's a parenting book that I wouldn't exactly recommend.
It's a parenting book that I wouldn't exactly recommend.
August 29, 2007
Good ideas, but the author seems to come off as insufferably superior at times, which is off-putting. The rest of us lose our temper, but he always knows better.
February 26, 2019
A valuable alternative to power struggles and nagging.
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